“I Don’t Feel Like I Owe Her Anything”: Woman Refuses To Take In Sister’s 3 Kids After She Passes Away From Cancer
As much as we would like to say we could do anything for our family, the reality is usually a little more nuanced than that. Relationships with our closest people are often tested, and sadly, some challenges turn out too big for them.
Such was the case for Reddit user InterestingStaff6566 and her sister. The two of them drifted apart during their teens, and had not been in touch for years. Recently, however, the situation changed after InterestingStaff6566 was contacted by her sibling—the woman informed that she was terminally ill. The bad news also came with one request: she wanted InterestingStaff6566 to adopt her three children.
But after much deliberation, the sister refused. People immediately started calling her selfish and blaming her for the tough decision. Their words eventually got into her head and made her question her judgment, so she turned to the “Am I the A***ole?” community, asking for their opinion. Here’s what she wrote.
Recently, a terminally ill woman reached out to her sister whom she had cut ties with long ago, and asked her to adopt her three kids
Image credits: Vitolda Klein (not the actual photo)
But the sibling said no
To help us understand the situation a little better, we contacted Talya Stone, a former public relations specialist turned blogger and the woman behind online journals Motherhood: The Real Deal and 40 Now What — bold and authentic, Stone consistently tackles difficult subjects and, among other topics, has produced plenty of insightful texts on parenting.
“Becoming a parent overnight of one child already requires a huge level of self-sacrifice but three really would be an unspeakable level of overwhelm and would be exceptionally difficult,” she told Bored Panda. “However, you do hear of people who have taken on such a role, but one cannot even begin to fathom how difficult this would be, especially for a child-free person who has no prior experience of parenting.”
“Having said that, we humans are incredibly adaptable, surprisingly resilient, and capable of dealing with challenges worse than this and to balance out all of the difficulties of assuming this parenting role, as well as the struggles there, would no doubt be plenty of upsides of having your life enriched in this word,” Stone added. “But yes, it would take a seismic shift in perspective and lifestyle.”
Being responsible for another life is a huge commitment. There can be plenty of issues even on the surface — the family’s budget. For example, according to a Policygenius survey, 45% of parents say they were not financially prepared to have a child. But raising a child is much more than finding the money to feed them and send them to school.
“When you become a parent, you pretty much have to shed your own self and sense of identity,” Talya Stone said. “You have to become completely selfless and put your children first, and there is a huge part of you that will grieve for the person you were before.”
“You lose yourself for some time, but you do eventually get yourself back. People think they will simply become a parent and just get on with things. The truth is becoming a parent is a painfully steep learning curve. You will be tested to your limits over and over, but then be rewarded by plenty of good times and joy also.”
However, Stone doesn’t think that any mom or dad can ever be fully ready for what’s ahead of them. “Whatever your expectations of parenthood are, it is bound to be completely different. But I would say it’s important to live your life first so that you can be better placed to not resent the sacrifices you make because being a parent is effectively one big sacrifice. Going in with low expectations is my advice!”
While it’s probably impossible to judge InterestingStaff6566 in this exact spot, Stone has huge respect for people who take on others’ children after a sudden tragedy. “I can’t even begin to imagine how their lives would become so different in a blink of an eye. It is certainly a baptism of fire into the world of parenting!”
People thought it was a tough decision but, if anything, OP wasn’t in the wrong
The mother should stop wasting time with the sister and move on to working with a Christian adoption agency to get the kids placed and transitioned to the idea of "mommy is going to die and you're going to go live with a new mommy and daddy"
I think this is the most practical way out. Foster homes exist for a reason. I hope all of the pro-life advocates are registered to adopt. 🙃
Load More Replies...
It's a heartbreaking decision, but I can understand her reasoning. She and her husband are aware they won't be fit parents, the children would suffer for it and it's not like they've already established a close relationship. Maybe the mom should take time to look for people who'd be glad to take them in and give them a home instead of pressuring someone into a role that's just not a good fit. NTA
I like the comment about the mom looking at the church to be a source of parent(s). She'd have a reasonable assurance that the children would be given the upbringing she wants for them. The sister could start/keep in touch with the children as an aunt to bridge the gap of who mom was and the family that exists for a connection. Like great-grandparents and cousins that are around. The children are not at fault here, so there's no need to punish them, just include them as you would have if your sister was closer in age and she had a solid marriage. Otherwise the woman does look a bit of an A.H.
Load More Replies...
I wanna know about sister’s friends. Where do they get off? I don’t understand the logic as a friend. Who would be like, “It’s best to ship them off to a country they haven’t been to with a person they don’t know and a language they don’t understand directly after their mom dies”, rather than saying “It’s best if I take them myself, as your friend”. If that’s not a valid option as someone who knows them, why would it be a valid option for someone who’s never met them? Just stupid.
It's just much easier to make difficult decisions on sombody else's behalf.
Load More Replies...
Well... I don't know what to say, and I can't live other people lives... but I would take the children with me.
Of course, many people would. But I wouldn't, like the OP I don't consider myself to be adequate parent/guardian material. That's also a valid choice, that puts the welfare of the children as the top priority.
Load More Replies...
This is a tough one but I understand. I took in 2 of my 5 nephews after I turned in my sister to CPS. The other 3 were older and on their own. I'm glad I did it as she got herself together but honestly, I hated it. I was so glad when they were able to go back to her. I too, never wanted kids.
It makes you a badass and a hero for doing it. Hats off.
Load More Replies...
Such a sad situation, I hope the kids get the love and care they need. NTA, but I also feel sad for the terminally ill mother. I can't imagine what it is like trying to make sure your kids will be cared for after your inevitable death. Heartbreaking.
Heartbreaking to say the least. The children are left to suffer the consequences.
Load More Replies...
NTA, It's a life changing decision that could destroy her marriage, that's not fair on her. She has chosen not to have children and guilt tripping her into taking them will just cause resentment towards the kids. Yes of course it is extremely sad for those children but she is no more responsible for them like anyone else.
Of course, NTA. Very sad, that a young woman is terminally ill, but the consequences of her actions can't be pressed to be taken by somebody else, even she is a family-member. It's just the cherry, that the sister was cheating on her husband, and was idiot enough not to use protection, while she is "religious".
If you ignore that they are siblings, as OP says, they are practically strangers. I don't think I'd ask strangers to take my children if I was dying. But seeing as she won't or can't ask her friends.... that says a lot about her. I feel sorry for the kids. I'm glad I'm not in OP's shoes. It's a tough decision.
I'd say they're less close than strangers. Stranger implies neutrality. I'd argue that it's an active decision to go from sisters to basically strangers. You may lose touch with childhood friends, but it's quite something to completely lose touch with your siblings. Sorry, I don't know if I'm explaining this right.
Load More Replies... 
Unwanted children know they're not wanted. NTA. Fostering can be nasty, so ideally, the mother needs to look for someone to adopt them besides a sister who won't want them. I'd never want my kids (if i had 'em) to go to someone who didn't *want* them!
The situation must be very desperate if the mother is resorting to her sister.
Load More Replies...
At the end of the day, you are left with three orphaned children, and that it absolutely heartbreaking. The adults involved here are so messed up in so many ways, and the children don’t deserve a bit of it. I hope that they find loving families and get a fair chance at life. My heart breaks for them.
Perfectly understandable. I am pretty much estranged from my siblings and would certainly not take in any kids they had as, apart from being blood relatives, there is no connection or obligation whatsoever - let alone strict conditions being laid down. Better she looks to her supposedly “Christian” friends for support. There’s never been a more BS phrase than blood being thicker than water.
Just the fact that it would end her marriage is enough not to take the children. Her & her husband agreed from the beginning not to have kids. She deserves to live her life being happy with her husband. The rest only makes it clearer that she is not obligated to care for these kids.
I’m severely disabled but I would take the kids. I couldn’t bear it not knowing what would happen to them. The fathers and/or the ex should be the one to step up but if not I would do it in a heartbeat. I’m not calling her an AH but I just can’t imagine feeling the way she does.
You must be prepared in other ways to care for 3 kids Jennifer. I'm severely disabled myself. I would never be able to care for 3 kids as taking care of myself is a full time job sometimes. I'm also a caregiver for my mother who has dementia. I'm struggling with that.
Load More Replies...
Interesting that she wants to insist on the kids being raised Christian when all of her kids are the products of adultery.
She may have recently become religious. Also, her choices for her children may be a desire to give them a better grounding.
Load More Replies...
It's really easy for people to call her TA when it's not their lives that would be ruined. People who choose to be CF do it for a reason. The sister should have made arrangements with people who would take her kids instead of dumping them on a sister she doesn't even know we'll enough to know that she has mental health issues. It's a wildly unfair situation for everyone involved, mostly the kids, but it's not her problem
What a tragic story. Anyone who tries to make you feel guilty should be the ones going to a lawyer so THEY can adopt your sister's children. Something that you could do is get in touch with resources in your county to find out what the best possible options are that are available to children after a single parent dies. There are resources out there, someone just has to do the research. Your sister needs a social worker assigned to her that could help navigate this challenge. Upon her death, and maybe while she is still alive, social security will provide monthly benefits for each child until they are 18 years old. Also, they are probably eligible for medicaid until they are 18 years old. For people heaping guilt, i would let them know that they are now on a committee to help find these hidden resources and need to spend their personal time researching and making phone calls to help find all the hidden resources available to the children while mom is still alive and after she passes.
I don't blame you, I believe that when she stopped talking to you she lost the right to ask anything of you. Some people never look further down the road than tomorrow. I, personally, don't want children and never have. I would take my sisters kids, but we're close. It's different... You're completely in your right to say no.
I have adopted two of my sister's children and it has been and continues to be rough terrain to tread. I never married and have been doing it alone. If I could go back in time and had another chance to choose, I would still do it. My boys are my life. However, I never understand when others feel they can pressure anyone else into having kids, or taking other's kids. I think that if a person wants to, no matter how adverse the situation, it can work out. If the person doesn't want to or can't -no matter what the reason, it is a good enough reason to not do it.
As sad as it is for these children she does not owe her life to them.
This is heartbreaking. I took on 2 children from my family and do not regret it, but it was hard. I barely knew them. They had a very difficult life and was much different than my own children. I had to teach them respect, manner, rules, consequences, etc. It was really hard but we survived. OP had to make a decision and is definitely NTA. I do hope the children can stay together in a loving home.
Sweet Jebus, some of these comments. The self-righteousness is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Raising kids is a huge responsibility and a huge expense, not to mention it's often a thankless job. It isn't something anyone has the right to force onto someone who doesn't want it. And I'm betting that at least half of these nimrods going on about how "the OP is the @sshole and I'd take the kids" would do no such thing if it actually came down to it. Any takers?
to all of you saying op is an a*****e or just one upping yourself by saying "I have this and this problem but I'd still adopt the kids, not calling her an a*****e tho" how about you start accusing the father of being an a*****e? he's known the kids for their whole lives— so why should op, a woman with mental disabilities who wishes to remain child free due to them, adopt the kids? don't call yourself better than her. life a day in her shoes
NTA and she should not have to explain her mental illness to anyone as a reason why. That is not something she should be required to do for people to honor her choice!
Obviously your sister has no right asking for such a big favor even if you are related, under the circumstances.. As for the father I completely understand what he must feel like to see other men in the eyes of the children he did not bare, and for her (so-called) friends if there's such good friends of hers, why aren't they adopting these children? I love children I could never walk away from them no matter who children they belong to, but that's my choice and I have no right or moral high ground to criticize anyone who feels they cannot be up to the task. As for all the guilt makers shame on you! You're all probability a whole bunch of lonely antiabortionists anyway... 🙄
If they were married when all three children were born, then they are legally his until proven otherwise and he would also be responsible for child support until he proves otherwise. I've heard cases where men had to pay 18 plus years and could not prove it or courts threw the case out. I didn't hear about the husband taking a DNA tests for the kids, just because she cheated doesn't mean he didn't father anyone unless he found out he couldn't have children.
Load More Replies...
What a terrible situation. I would take my sister's child if needed but she has one and we are close. If it were one of my half siblings I didn't grow up with, I wouldn't. Someone who knows the mother more would be a better fit, but not many people are going to take in three kids.
If there is nobody else to help she could try to help find them a different home but she have no obligation (I mean she lives in a different country so likely she couldn't be that helpful). In fact NOT adopting them is the responsible decision. Adopting them would be awful for her and the kids.
This is hearbreaking but completely understandable. The OP refuses to turn her life completely upside down and start living the life of somebody else, the kind of life she's never wanted. We only have one life each, and hers would effectively be over as she knows it, and not hers anymore. I can't imagine somebody sweeping in and telling me that from now on I'm gonna lose agency over the way my own life is going. I'm getting anxious just thinking about it.
Definitely NOT the a*****e. I would *only* want to leave my children to someone who thoroughly enjoys being around children. A LOT. And that person could be *anyone*. I don't care whether it's a sister, a cousin, a friend or the nice woman at the dry cleaners down the street. What the hell does DNA have to do with ANY of this? What are we doing here -- preserving a royal bloodline? Here's a hypothetical: What if, instead, this dying woman DID find a loving home perfect for her children and the arrangements were all in place. But then suddenly the children's aunt came along and demanded that the children be given to her and claimed that being a biological relative gave her the RIGHT to the children? Even if that aunt had always wanted children she has no right to take them. Nor does she have a duty to take them. WTF, folks.
NTA. #1. She owes no one a reason why she doesn't want to. Some people just don't want to be parents. There is nothing wrong with that. Not everyone suddenly grows a maternal/paternal bone when faced with children. They can appreciate and love a friend's or family members children but call a hard pass when it goes beyond that. #2 She's offered to find the father's. Why is the mother against this? Prob bc the father's are husband's to some of the friends whom she is not asking to take in her children. #3 She wants her children raised religiously. Something she herself has fallen short of. But she knows so little of her sister that she does not know her sister is an atheist. What if they were ped or sex traffickers. I mean that sister knows nothing of the people she is asking to take in her children. She just assumes they are the best choice bc they are related. Lastly being a parent isn't a 18yr job. It's a lifetime that may eventually include grandkids etc. OP is nta!
I honestly was on the fence on this one. I was taken in by my aunt and uncle and being with family or friends is so much healthier for kids then the very broken foster system some people suggested. That being said, she mentioned mental illness and not knowing the kids. It could be just as much a risk having her raise them as a foster parent (don't know as I've not been in the system). So she might have made the right choice for those kids. Unsure.
Why would you want to find the children's fathers? They've been absent to this point, it seems a much better option to keep the siblings together in a home that wants them.
Unless they end up in the system, from where it's 50/50 whether they will ever end up in a good home. The fathers likely don't even know they are fathers, they might very well be happy about this. Or have family members who would like to take on this responsibility. Of course, that's also 50/50. In general I agree with the people who say that finding a good family for them within the church seems like the most sensible option.
Load More Replies... 
NTA. I would have done the same with absolutely no guilt at all. No need for any reasoning as well. My life, my choices.
I've been in a similar situation. My sister who's an addict left her husband and 3 kids for over 2 months one time. She hit the streets and left hubby with all responsibility. I was asked by her husband to help out with them, which I did. Babysitting when I could and helping when I could. Then it came down to her husband wanting to move in with us because he couldn't do it all on his own. Keep in mind I have 4 kids of my own and I ended up letting him know I couldn't help anymore. Because I felt like it was to much and I knew all of it would have been put off on me. Because he worked and I would have taken over the motherly duties out of natural instincts as a mom already. I just didn't want to be put in that position. I feel extremely guilty for handling it the way I did. I often think I should have done more. Yet I knew if I did, the negative effect it would have had on me mentally and emotionally scared the crap out of me. So I bailed and struggle with guilt about it to this day. Even though I put myself 1st and made the best choice I could. It sucks having feelings of guilt over something that was not my fault to begin with. I'm happy to say my sister and her family are happy healthy and got through all those hard times. So that's definitely something to be grateful about.
If the poster and their spouse already decided to never have kids for reasons of their own temperaments, mental health, etc, that's a serious decision that wouldn't be overridden by this situation.
I'm glad I grew up in a family that will never ever let kids to end up lonely in a kind of orphanage or foster home. No matter what has happedned among the adults.
You are on the right. Even if not for all the other reasons, you have a choice. Also, pretty awful of your sister to send in her flying monkeys while badmouthing you.
I get her reasoning and ultimately she doesn't feel fit to be the mother of these kids. But she also seems to have zero compassion for the kids. It seems like she's just consumed with anger at her sister. For the kid's sake, could she and the friends all get together to help the kids, even if it just means she stays in contact with them via letters or something? The kids didn't choose any of this.
The kids are literal strangers to her. They've never met, they'd have to move country and she has mental health issues to boot. Also, she would go from happily married to a single parent so would have to adjust to these 3 kids whilst getting a divorce caused by them. Simply awful position to be in. Secondly, by your thinking, you and everyone else should adopt a few refugees because otherwise you clearly have no compassion for children in shitty situations. See how crazy that sounds? She's not the A, the sister is. I feel sorry for the kids but that said, I won't be adopting them either...
Load More Replies...
The so called "friends" should step up and take the kids. They are hypocrites by saying you should take the kids. If they are so worried about the kids, then they should step up. I am on the side of the sister that says she won't take them. I knew someone who turned down her son and his wife, because they couldn't take care of their special needs children(2 children). She and her husband said they could not afford to take their grandchildren. I totally understood where they were coming from. They got dissed because they refused but they stuck to their guns. They knew what was right for them. Just like this sister knows what is right for her and her husband. She is not an AH, Her sister is though.
Judgement for the Defendent - that woman doesn't owe her estranged sister anything. It would be different if the family had been close, if the sister had pledged beforehand to look after the children if anything happened. But given what is told here (there is always two sides to the story) the estranged sister cared nothing but for herself, and only reached out when she got in a tight, expecting to easily be able to dump her f-trophies on the easiest people she thought she could sucker - her family. Oh, and let me throw this out there - if you and your husband talked and he said he would leave you if you adopted the children, then you may have other problems coming down the road. Think real long and hard before having a child or getting sick around that guy.
NTA, she made a rational choice. no bond with kids, an old broken relationship with sister, different religious view, not enough financial income, foreign country, own health issues and views of children all of those would have nixed her chances with adoption agency in the first place. Dont know if Only family relation is good enough.
NTA. They are not your kids or your responsibility in any way. Family is NOT a mandatory obligation. It is something you have no control over because you cannot choose it but you can certainly choose how to engage with it. Those kids are no more your responsibility than those that people abandon outside of fire stations. Do NOT feel guilty. Do NOT feel anything. You owe your sister NOTHING because blood means NOTHING. You get to choose your friends based on your values. Family is forced upon you. Abandon it for your own sanity.
The kids need DNA tests so the bio dad's families can find them if they are interested. The bio dad's might not be good people, but what if the bio dads have a sibling who's been on a wait list for 10 years trying to adopt or have gone through failed IVF etc and run out of $ and hope. The bio dads could be the bad apples in otherwise good families. The court will probably make her submit DNA for this and if the mom refuses, it will probably be done after her death.
Just because they are related doesn't mean that you are the only one who should take them. I hope the response to those "friends" calling and criticizing is, "why don't you take them then." It's easy to criticize but you are the least of anyone who should take them because of the reasons given. She should turn to her church family and friends to help. It's a very sad situation.
NTA. Kids don't deserve this fate, but your sister's children are not your responsibility.
The mother should definitely find another option and quickly because if CPS steps in, they'll be split up and I wouldn't trust CPS to take care of a goldfish let alone children... It's a bad situation all around and I feel badly for the kids. They are the ones that will suffer the most through this, especially being so young. Hopefully a living family will take care of them
The sister is too young, clearly, to raise three children that will be coming out of nowhere. (I know plenty of 25yos are parents of 3 kids but this sister isn't them.) I think it's great she's willing to help track down the fathers, but she should be careful; they might be worse human beings than a foster family.
Maybe if they (the sisters) were close and the sis had the means to care for the children asking would make sense but who tf asks someone that isn't religious, lives in a completely different country and hasn't talked to them in 10 years to raise their kids when they are very religious and most likely attend church groups with women that would most likely adore being able to raise a child? Who asks a casual long distance acquaintance to parent their child?!
Except for the language thing, she has perfectly valid reasons. Also, a kid - let alone 3 - is a huge responsibility and she's under no obligation to take it on, nor should she have to justify why.
My family is split apart and its every man for himself. I have 3 half siblings that I havent seen since I was 6 years old. If they suddenly tried to contact me out of nowhere and said that I need to take their kids in, I would shut the door in their faces. You can't ignore someone's existence for decades and, then be like "hey do me a favour". Especially taking over their parenting. It sucks for the kids but that's life.
Impossible situation, but really not your responsibility. Anyone giving you hell isnt going to be as diligent as they claim you should be under the same circumstances. That you and your husband have made the choice you have is a sign of responsibility. I grew up in a house with resentful parents that had me because accodents. Im my case it was not a happy ending, quite the opposite. Being blood related is not a winning combination by default. Its a tragic situation, but not your duty. Sorry that all of you have to go through this.
Why on earth would the dying sister want to ask a virtual stranger to adopt her children anyway? Kind of sad that the children may end up in the system and separated, but still might be better than to be be with a relative who doesn’t want them. Poor kids.
not the a hole. It's their life, they get to choose what to do with it.
If you are not going to be invested in being the parent these kids deserve why would you agree to take them on? Definitely NTA, quite the opposite. There is time before the mother passes for a host of community attention , especially from the church. There is good opportunity to find a suitable placement for these kids with care givers who want them and will love them.
Finding the fathers relies on the sister's information and consent...is there any legal recourse to force this out? Not that she would have any reason to fear the law while she's on her deathbed, but I would think there should be laws in place to exhaust every effort to find a parent or guardian before adding kids to the system.
Not with an Ancestry. You can find that half of Thier family tree as long as someone closely related enough has had it done and allowed matches. Matches don't give out personal information (unless you set it up that way) but allow you to contact that family branch and ask if you can communicate through the app.
Load More Replies...
I noticed you said all her friends are leaving nasty messages about you refusing (rightfully so) to adopt her children. but not one of them have jumped In themselves to adopt, hypocritical a-holes.
NTA - I think your sister was basically a stranger to you, you had made a life decision to not ever have children, your husband had also and would leave if you changed the plan at this point, and with your OCD issue, you have many reasons not to take the children into your home. She he probably has friends closer to her than you. It’s said that they could possibly go into the system, but not a good thing for you to take them.
Hopefully, the poor dying mother can find someone mature enough to step in for her kids .Her sister is obviously not that person .I'd say they wouldn't have a very nice life with her anyway. My sister is 6 yrs older than me,we are not close, however had she needed me to step in when her children were young, I would not have hesitated. And yes ,I have also been a foster parent.Hopefully, the mother's friends or church (something ,as a atheist ,I would never usually advocate) can find a loving family who will keep the children together.I find it odd that this woman is so pious yet the children are all the result of apparent infidelity .Sound more like an excuse for the husband to shuck all responsibility. There are many families out there who would love a ready made family. The already overburdened foster system should be a last resort. Those poor little kids are about to lose their whole world, but would have a miserable life with their aunt and frankly deserve better.
NTA. Not her kids and she doesn't want kids anyway. Just because it's her sister changes nothing. Even if she had kept contact it still would not matter. You cannot force children on someone that made the choice to never have them.
I will have these poor little kids. They aren’t at fault, they didn’t ask to be put in this situation. I would gladly take them and love them as though they were my own. Please let me know if they have found somewhere safe and loving. 🥲
I’ll adopt them. And, as an adoptee and an adoptive parent, I know there are many childless couples who would gladly adopt them. I wish those 3 sweet babies much luck and love.
It takes a lot of courage to say No. The mother should stop sending friends to abuse her sister. She should spend that energy finding a friend who will raise her children. And, she should forgive her little sister for not being pliable as playdough. People are rarely so flexible in reality.
Probably best that someone who doesn't want them not take them. That being said, I had an AMAZING BOSS once. His father was murdered from a drug deal gone wrong when he was only 20 years old. This amazing man, and his girlfriend, took in his three younger siblings! At 20 years old, there's no way I was responsible enough to do that. MAD A** RESPECT FOR HIM AND HIS WOMAN!
I have four kids and am seriously ill. Still, of course I would not hesitate to take my sisters kids (or my brither's) - duh- I would take the kids of my neighbors if they'd need a home. If she does not feel like a parent, fair enough, take them in to make sure they find a proper home. One can look after them, to make sure they are alright, even if they do not live with them - and who knows, maybe they'll like them and take them home anyway. For young parents: this is the reason for why you look for people who Are willing to take your kids while you are well and hire a solicitor to make everything legally. We have this for our four kids!
She s under no obligation to take her sister’s children, morally, emotionally or ethically. Her and her sister have not been in contact for ten years. Her and her husband made the decision to not have children, kudos to them. To put three children into a home that does not really want them would be tragic. If the sister is religious then she needs to explore that avenue. There are a lot of loving people out there who would love to give them a home.
OP is right. She owes nothing to her sister and the kids are not her responsibility.
The OP should not have to take in children especially considering she is dealing with her own issues and overall perhaps it is best considering she seems to be holding blame from the sister onto them. The kids are about to have their lives seriously messed up through no fault of their own, possibly even being raised in different families because people tend to look for newborns instead of 6 year olds. I understand why she judges her sister's actions, but I feel like perhaps there is more to this story than what one sister who seems to be holding a huge grudge has to offer. Also, I hate these AITA posts cause she seems less wanting to know and more so just kicking her sister while she is down. She knows the decision she is going to make, she is not going to take the children in no matter what, what was the point of this?
Me coinage in this post like WHAT AN ARSEHOLE now I’m like damn I feel you.
Ugh mixed feelings on this one- they're still your blood relatives and family is important. Maybe help her find someone to take them in? I mean if they were my nieces and nephews - I'd at least want to make sure they were taken care of. I totally understand the point- and don't think you're an a*****e but just feel bad for the children
Are there maternal grandparents? Maybe they can provide care, until the fathers are found.
Either way this isa very sad and tragic situation for the kids. As for the sister: For someone you did not have any contact with for 10 years you sure do know a LOT about her. Or that the kids are one night stands so to speak and you know they are all from different fathers. HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ALL THAT WITH NO CONTACT. And the ex KNOWS none of the kids are his. Obviously short of both her and her former husband being white, and the kids are black or other color how does HE know they are not his. I think she is an a*****e but not because she won't take the kids but reading her comments, that is how she cone across. BUT sadly she is right. Not her responsibility. The dying mother should have made a highly publicized plea to the public for someone to step forward.
I just feel badly for the kids. The sister can't be bothered to give a crap about her nibling and the mom is determined that the sister take them in. I can understand the mom wanting family to take the kids in but said family can't be bothered. It's highly doubtful the sister would treat them well even if she did stir herself to take them. "Foster care" has a terrible reputation for a reason; maybe the mom should find someone at her church to take them.
That’s a lot to unpack. I understand her not wanting to take on kids that aren’t hers, but I guess I couldn’t imagine abandoning them either. I guess I would insist on finding the fathers even if it was out of my own pocket.
I think it's a bit unfair to say she is abandoning them. They are not her responsibility to abandon.
Load More Replies...
How does she owe it to the nieces/nephews? She didn't ask her sister to procreate.
Load More Replies...
It's an ex-husband, not a husband. There's no telling how long he was around the kids, or if he met them at all.
Load More Replies...
Oh please, those who downvoted me, I was joking. Come on.
Load More Replies...
Smug and self righteous to the end. All you prove is that you are the a*****e.
Load More Replies...
Biology is unimportant, a loving family is all that matters. Source: I am adopted
Load More Replies...
They didn't have a chance because of their a*****e of a mother. It would be worse for both OP and the kids for her to adopt them, for reasons stated by OP.
Load More Replies...
If poster's husband chose not to have even one of his own kids because he doesn't want kids, he's not obligated to raise 3 that aren't even his. The ill mom's husband also isn't obligated to raise kids he was lied to were his.
Load More Replies...
What high horse? She recognized she wouldn't be able to support the kids on her own and she wouldn't be a good guardian to them.
Load More Replies... 
this post makes you sound unhinged, and that makes it hard to take what you say seriously.
Load More Replies...
Alone? Nah, her husband was only going to leave if she adopted. The a*****e is the person who actually thinks this is her responsibility.
Load More Replies...
Therapists and babysitters cost money, so does the rest of the child care stuff, she'd be going at it alone, and even if her husband wouldn't leave her, they don't have the money for it
Load More Replies...
She has many reasons why she cannot. Plus, suddenly taking in children would mean making them trust you, changing your relationship with your spouse, and paying for them. Overall, it is a big commitment
Load More Replies...
Of she knows she can't love them, it's best that she won't take them. But why be so vicious about it. They're better off with a 50/50 chance in any system than a 💯 chance of being rasied by a disinterested & vindictive aunt
Load More Replies...
no. it's not Ops responsibility to take care of kids that aren't theirs, plus it would ruin their mental health, and have a guardian that only keeps you there because you're related really sucks, and it sucks more when their mental health is shitty and you have a newborn sibling
Load More Replies...
Op has no obligation to take on children she doesn't even know. She stated she wouldn't be able to support them because her husband would leave. She NEVER wanted children, people who do t want children usually don't for a reason. She has already acknowledged she wouldn't be a good mother.
Load More Replies...
"How dare you not take care of children that arent yours that are also from a completely different country that belong to your sister that you haven't talked to in ten years?!'
Load More Replies...
The mother should stop wasting time with the sister and move on to working with a Christian adoption agency to get the kids placed and transitioned to the idea of "mommy is going to die and you're going to go live with a new mommy and daddy"
I think this is the most practical way out. Foster homes exist for a reason. I hope all of the pro-life advocates are registered to adopt. 🙃
Load More Replies... It's a heartbreaking decision, but I can understand her reasoning. She and her husband are aware they won't be fit parents, the children would suffer for it and it's not like they've already established a close relationship. Maybe the mom should take time to look for people who'd be glad to take them in and give them a home instead of pressuring someone into a role that's just not a good fit. NTA
I like the comment about the mom looking at the church to be a source of parent(s). She'd have a reasonable assurance that the children would be given the upbringing she wants for them. The sister could start/keep in touch with the children as an aunt to bridge the gap of who mom was and the family that exists for a connection. Like great-grandparents and cousins that are around. The children are not at fault here, so there's no need to punish them, just include them as you would have if your sister was closer in age and she had a solid marriage. Otherwise the woman does look a bit of an A.H.
Load More Replies... I wanna know about sister’s friends. Where do they get off? I don’t understand the logic as a friend. Who would be like, “It’s best to ship them off to a country they haven’t been to with a person they don’t know and a language they don’t understand directly after their mom dies”, rather than saying “It’s best if I take them myself, as your friend”. If that’s not a valid option as someone who knows them, why would it be a valid option for someone who’s never met them? Just stupid.
It's just much easier to make difficult decisions on sombody else's behalf.
Load More Replies... Well... I don't know what to say, and I can't live other people lives... but I would take the children with me.
Of course, many people would. But I wouldn't, like the OP I don't consider myself to be adequate parent/guardian material. That's also a valid choice, that puts the welfare of the children as the top priority.
Load More Replies... This is a tough one but I understand. I took in 2 of my 5 nephews after I turned in my sister to CPS. The other 3 were older and on their own. I'm glad I did it as she got herself together but honestly, I hated it. I was so glad when they were able to go back to her. I too, never wanted kids.
It makes you a badass and a hero for doing it. Hats off.
Load More Replies... Such a sad situation, I hope the kids get the love and care they need. NTA, but I also feel sad for the terminally ill mother. I can't imagine what it is like trying to make sure your kids will be cared for after your inevitable death. Heartbreaking.
Heartbreaking to say the least. The children are left to suffer the consequences.
Load More Replies... NTA, It's a life changing decision that could destroy her marriage, that's not fair on her. She has chosen not to have children and guilt tripping her into taking them will just cause resentment towards the kids. Yes of course it is extremely sad for those children but she is no more responsible for them like anyone else.
Of course, NTA. Very sad, that a young woman is terminally ill, but the consequences of her actions can't be pressed to be taken by somebody else, even she is a family-member. It's just the cherry, that the sister was cheating on her husband, and was idiot enough not to use protection, while she is "religious".
If you ignore that they are siblings, as OP says, they are practically strangers. I don't think I'd ask strangers to take my children if I was dying. But seeing as she won't or can't ask her friends.... that says a lot about her. I feel sorry for the kids. I'm glad I'm not in OP's shoes. It's a tough decision.
I'd say they're less close than strangers. Stranger implies neutrality. I'd argue that it's an active decision to go from sisters to basically strangers. You may lose touch with childhood friends, but it's quite something to completely lose touch with your siblings. Sorry, I don't know if I'm explaining this right.
Load More Replies... Unwanted children know they're not wanted. NTA. Fostering can be nasty, so ideally, the mother needs to look for someone to adopt them besides a sister who won't want them. I'd never want my kids (if i had 'em) to go to someone who didn't *want* them!
The situation must be very desperate if the mother is resorting to her sister.
Load More Replies... At the end of the day, you are left with three orphaned children, and that it absolutely heartbreaking. The adults involved here are so messed up in so many ways, and the children don’t deserve a bit of it. I hope that they find loving families and get a fair chance at life. My heart breaks for them.
Perfectly understandable. I am pretty much estranged from my siblings and would certainly not take in any kids they had as, apart from being blood relatives, there is no connection or obligation whatsoever - let alone strict conditions being laid down. Better she looks to her supposedly “Christian” friends for support. There’s never been a more BS phrase than blood being thicker than water.
Just the fact that it would end her marriage is enough not to take the children. Her & her husband agreed from the beginning not to have kids. She deserves to live her life being happy with her husband. The rest only makes it clearer that she is not obligated to care for these kids.
I’m severely disabled but I would take the kids. I couldn’t bear it not knowing what would happen to them. The fathers and/or the ex should be the one to step up but if not I would do it in a heartbeat. I’m not calling her an AH but I just can’t imagine feeling the way she does.
You must be prepared in other ways to care for 3 kids Jennifer. I'm severely disabled myself. I would never be able to care for 3 kids as taking care of myself is a full time job sometimes. I'm also a caregiver for my mother who has dementia. I'm struggling with that.
Load More Replies... Interesting that she wants to insist on the kids being raised Christian when all of her kids are the products of adultery.
She may have recently become religious. Also, her choices for her children may be a desire to give them a better grounding.
Load More Replies... It's really easy for people to call her TA when it's not their lives that would be ruined. People who choose to be CF do it for a reason. The sister should have made arrangements with people who would take her kids instead of dumping them on a sister she doesn't even know we'll enough to know that she has mental health issues. It's a wildly unfair situation for everyone involved, mostly the kids, but it's not her problem
What a tragic story. Anyone who tries to make you feel guilty should be the ones going to a lawyer so THEY can adopt your sister's children. Something that you could do is get in touch with resources in your county to find out what the best possible options are that are available to children after a single parent dies. There are resources out there, someone just has to do the research. Your sister needs a social worker assigned to her that could help navigate this challenge. Upon her death, and maybe while she is still alive, social security will provide monthly benefits for each child until they are 18 years old. Also, they are probably eligible for medicaid until they are 18 years old. For people heaping guilt, i would let them know that they are now on a committee to help find these hidden resources and need to spend their personal time researching and making phone calls to help find all the hidden resources available to the children while mom is still alive and after she passes.
I don't blame you, I believe that when she stopped talking to you she lost the right to ask anything of you. Some people never look further down the road than tomorrow. I, personally, don't want children and never have. I would take my sisters kids, but we're close. It's different... You're completely in your right to say no.
I have adopted two of my sister's children and it has been and continues to be rough terrain to tread. I never married and have been doing it alone. If I could go back in time and had another chance to choose, I would still do it. My boys are my life. However, I never understand when others feel they can pressure anyone else into having kids, or taking other's kids. I think that if a person wants to, no matter how adverse the situation, it can work out. If the person doesn't want to or can't -no matter what the reason, it is a good enough reason to not do it.
As sad as it is for these children she does not owe her life to them.
This is heartbreaking. I took on 2 children from my family and do not regret it, but it was hard. I barely knew them. They had a very difficult life and was much different than my own children. I had to teach them respect, manner, rules, consequences, etc. It was really hard but we survived. OP had to make a decision and is definitely NTA. I do hope the children can stay together in a loving home.
Sweet Jebus, some of these comments. The self-righteousness is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Raising kids is a huge responsibility and a huge expense, not to mention it's often a thankless job. It isn't something anyone has the right to force onto someone who doesn't want it. And I'm betting that at least half of these nimrods going on about how "the OP is the @sshole and I'd take the kids" would do no such thing if it actually came down to it. Any takers?
to all of you saying op is an a*****e or just one upping yourself by saying "I have this and this problem but I'd still adopt the kids, not calling her an a*****e tho" how about you start accusing the father of being an a*****e? he's known the kids for their whole lives— so why should op, a woman with mental disabilities who wishes to remain child free due to them, adopt the kids? don't call yourself better than her. life a day in her shoes
NTA and she should not have to explain her mental illness to anyone as a reason why. That is not something she should be required to do for people to honor her choice!
Obviously your sister has no right asking for such a big favor even if you are related, under the circumstances.. As for the father I completely understand what he must feel like to see other men in the eyes of the children he did not bare, and for her (so-called) friends if there's such good friends of hers, why aren't they adopting these children? I love children I could never walk away from them no matter who children they belong to, but that's my choice and I have no right or moral high ground to criticize anyone who feels they cannot be up to the task. As for all the guilt makers shame on you! You're all probability a whole bunch of lonely antiabortionists anyway... 🙄
If they were married when all three children were born, then they are legally his until proven otherwise and he would also be responsible for child support until he proves otherwise. I've heard cases where men had to pay 18 plus years and could not prove it or courts threw the case out. I didn't hear about the husband taking a DNA tests for the kids, just because she cheated doesn't mean he didn't father anyone unless he found out he couldn't have children.
Load More Replies... What a terrible situation. I would take my sister's child if needed but she has one and we are close. If it were one of my half siblings I didn't grow up with, I wouldn't. Someone who knows the mother more would be a better fit, but not many people are going to take in three kids.
If there is nobody else to help she could try to help find them a different home but she have no obligation (I mean she lives in a different country so likely she couldn't be that helpful). In fact NOT adopting them is the responsible decision. Adopting them would be awful for her and the kids.
This is hearbreaking but completely understandable. The OP refuses to turn her life completely upside down and start living the life of somebody else, the kind of life she's never wanted. We only have one life each, and hers would effectively be over as she knows it, and not hers anymore. I can't imagine somebody sweeping in and telling me that from now on I'm gonna lose agency over the way my own life is going. I'm getting anxious just thinking about it.
Definitely NOT the a*****e. I would *only* want to leave my children to someone who thoroughly enjoys being around children. A LOT. And that person could be *anyone*. I don't care whether it's a sister, a cousin, a friend or the nice woman at the dry cleaners down the street. What the hell does DNA have to do with ANY of this? What are we doing here -- preserving a royal bloodline? Here's a hypothetical: What if, instead, this dying woman DID find a loving home perfect for her children and the arrangements were all in place. But then suddenly the children's aunt came along and demanded that the children be given to her and claimed that being a biological relative gave her the RIGHT to the children? Even if that aunt had always wanted children she has no right to take them. Nor does she have a duty to take them. WTF, folks.
NTA. #1. She owes no one a reason why she doesn't want to. Some people just don't want to be parents. There is nothing wrong with that. Not everyone suddenly grows a maternal/paternal bone when faced with children. They can appreciate and love a friend's or family members children but call a hard pass when it goes beyond that. #2 She's offered to find the father's. Why is the mother against this? Prob bc the father's are husband's to some of the friends whom she is not asking to take in her children. #3 She wants her children raised religiously. Something she herself has fallen short of. But she knows so little of her sister that she does not know her sister is an atheist. What if they were ped or sex traffickers. I mean that sister knows nothing of the people she is asking to take in her children. She just assumes they are the best choice bc they are related. Lastly being a parent isn't a 18yr job. It's a lifetime that may eventually include grandkids etc. OP is nta!
I honestly was on the fence on this one. I was taken in by my aunt and uncle and being with family or friends is so much healthier for kids then the very broken foster system some people suggested. That being said, she mentioned mental illness and not knowing the kids. It could be just as much a risk having her raise them as a foster parent (don't know as I've not been in the system). So she might have made the right choice for those kids. Unsure.
Why would you want to find the children's fathers? They've been absent to this point, it seems a much better option to keep the siblings together in a home that wants them.
Unless they end up in the system, from where it's 50/50 whether they will ever end up in a good home. The fathers likely don't even know they are fathers, they might very well be happy about this. Or have family members who would like to take on this responsibility. Of course, that's also 50/50. In general I agree with the people who say that finding a good family for them within the church seems like the most sensible option.
Load More Replies... NTA. I would have done the same with absolutely no guilt at all. No need for any reasoning as well. My life, my choices.
I've been in a similar situation. My sister who's an addict left her husband and 3 kids for over 2 months one time. She hit the streets and left hubby with all responsibility. I was asked by her husband to help out with them, which I did. Babysitting when I could and helping when I could. Then it came down to her husband wanting to move in with us because he couldn't do it all on his own. Keep in mind I have 4 kids of my own and I ended up letting him know I couldn't help anymore. Because I felt like it was to much and I knew all of it would have been put off on me. Because he worked and I would have taken over the motherly duties out of natural instincts as a mom already. I just didn't want to be put in that position. I feel extremely guilty for handling it the way I did. I often think I should have done more. Yet I knew if I did, the negative effect it would have had on me mentally and emotionally scared the crap out of me. So I bailed and struggle with guilt about it to this day. Even though I put myself 1st and made the best choice I could. It sucks having feelings of guilt over something that was not my fault to begin with. I'm happy to say my sister and her family are happy healthy and got through all those hard times. So that's definitely something to be grateful about.
If the poster and their spouse already decided to never have kids for reasons of their own temperaments, mental health, etc, that's a serious decision that wouldn't be overridden by this situation.
I'm glad I grew up in a family that will never ever let kids to end up lonely in a kind of orphanage or foster home. No matter what has happedned among the adults.
You are on the right. Even if not for all the other reasons, you have a choice. Also, pretty awful of your sister to send in her flying monkeys while badmouthing you.
I get her reasoning and ultimately she doesn't feel fit to be the mother of these kids. But she also seems to have zero compassion for the kids. It seems like she's just consumed with anger at her sister. For the kid's sake, could she and the friends all get together to help the kids, even if it just means she stays in contact with them via letters or something? The kids didn't choose any of this.
The kids are literal strangers to her. They've never met, they'd have to move country and she has mental health issues to boot. Also, she would go from happily married to a single parent so would have to adjust to these 3 kids whilst getting a divorce caused by them. Simply awful position to be in. Secondly, by your thinking, you and everyone else should adopt a few refugees because otherwise you clearly have no compassion for children in shitty situations. See how crazy that sounds? She's not the A, the sister is. I feel sorry for the kids but that said, I won't be adopting them either...
Load More Replies... The so called "friends" should step up and take the kids. They are hypocrites by saying you should take the kids. If they are so worried about the kids, then they should step up. I am on the side of the sister that says she won't take them. I knew someone who turned down her son and his wife, because they couldn't take care of their special needs children(2 children). She and her husband said they could not afford to take their grandchildren. I totally understood where they were coming from. They got dissed because they refused but they stuck to their guns. They knew what was right for them. Just like this sister knows what is right for her and her husband. She is not an AH, Her sister is though.
Judgement for the Defendent - that woman doesn't owe her estranged sister anything. It would be different if the family had been close, if the sister had pledged beforehand to look after the children if anything happened. But given what is told here (there is always two sides to the story) the estranged sister cared nothing but for herself, and only reached out when she got in a tight, expecting to easily be able to dump her f-trophies on the easiest people she thought she could sucker - her family. Oh, and let me throw this out there - if you and your husband talked and he said he would leave you if you adopted the children, then you may have other problems coming down the road. Think real long and hard before having a child or getting sick around that guy.
NTA, she made a rational choice. no bond with kids, an old broken relationship with sister, different religious view, not enough financial income, foreign country, own health issues and views of children all of those would have nixed her chances with adoption agency in the first place. Dont know if Only family relation is good enough.
NTA. They are not your kids or your responsibility in any way. Family is NOT a mandatory obligation. It is something you have no control over because you cannot choose it but you can certainly choose how to engage with it. Those kids are no more your responsibility than those that people abandon outside of fire stations. Do NOT feel guilty. Do NOT feel anything. You owe your sister NOTHING because blood means NOTHING. You get to choose your friends based on your values. Family is forced upon you. Abandon it for your own sanity.
The kids need DNA tests so the bio dad's families can find them if they are interested. The bio dad's might not be good people, but what if the bio dads have a sibling who's been on a wait list for 10 years trying to adopt or have gone through failed IVF etc and run out of $ and hope. The bio dads could be the bad apples in otherwise good families. The court will probably make her submit DNA for this and if the mom refuses, it will probably be done after her death.
Just because they are related doesn't mean that you are the only one who should take them. I hope the response to those "friends" calling and criticizing is, "why don't you take them then." It's easy to criticize but you are the least of anyone who should take them because of the reasons given. She should turn to her church family and friends to help. It's a very sad situation.
NTA. Kids don't deserve this fate, but your sister's children are not your responsibility.
The mother should definitely find another option and quickly because if CPS steps in, they'll be split up and I wouldn't trust CPS to take care of a goldfish let alone children... It's a bad situation all around and I feel badly for the kids. They are the ones that will suffer the most through this, especially being so young. Hopefully a living family will take care of them
The sister is too young, clearly, to raise three children that will be coming out of nowhere. (I know plenty of 25yos are parents of 3 kids but this sister isn't them.) I think it's great she's willing to help track down the fathers, but she should be careful; they might be worse human beings than a foster family.
Maybe if they (the sisters) were close and the sis had the means to care for the children asking would make sense but who tf asks someone that isn't religious, lives in a completely different country and hasn't talked to them in 10 years to raise their kids when they are very religious and most likely attend church groups with women that would most likely adore being able to raise a child? Who asks a casual long distance acquaintance to parent their child?!
Except for the language thing, she has perfectly valid reasons. Also, a kid - let alone 3 - is a huge responsibility and she's under no obligation to take it on, nor should she have to justify why.
My family is split apart and its every man for himself. I have 3 half siblings that I havent seen since I was 6 years old. If they suddenly tried to contact me out of nowhere and said that I need to take their kids in, I would shut the door in their faces. You can't ignore someone's existence for decades and, then be like "hey do me a favour". Especially taking over their parenting. It sucks for the kids but that's life.
Impossible situation, but really not your responsibility. Anyone giving you hell isnt going to be as diligent as they claim you should be under the same circumstances. That you and your husband have made the choice you have is a sign of responsibility. I grew up in a house with resentful parents that had me because accodents. Im my case it was not a happy ending, quite the opposite. Being blood related is not a winning combination by default. Its a tragic situation, but not your duty. Sorry that all of you have to go through this.
Why on earth would the dying sister want to ask a virtual stranger to adopt her children anyway? Kind of sad that the children may end up in the system and separated, but still might be better than to be be with a relative who doesn’t want them. Poor kids.
not the a hole. It's their life, they get to choose what to do with it.
If you are not going to be invested in being the parent these kids deserve why would you agree to take them on? Definitely NTA, quite the opposite. There is time before the mother passes for a host of community attention , especially from the church. There is good opportunity to find a suitable placement for these kids with care givers who want them and will love them.
Finding the fathers relies on the sister's information and consent...is there any legal recourse to force this out? Not that she would have any reason to fear the law while she's on her deathbed, but I would think there should be laws in place to exhaust every effort to find a parent or guardian before adding kids to the system.
Not with an Ancestry. You can find that half of Thier family tree as long as someone closely related enough has had it done and allowed matches. Matches don't give out personal information (unless you set it up that way) but allow you to contact that family branch and ask if you can communicate through the app.
Load More Replies... I noticed you said all her friends are leaving nasty messages about you refusing (rightfully so) to adopt her children. but not one of them have jumped In themselves to adopt, hypocritical a-holes.
NTA - I think your sister was basically a stranger to you, you had made a life decision to not ever have children, your husband had also and would leave if you changed the plan at this point, and with your OCD issue, you have many reasons not to take the children into your home. She he probably has friends closer to her than you. It’s said that they could possibly go into the system, but not a good thing for you to take them.
Hopefully, the poor dying mother can find someone mature enough to step in for her kids .Her sister is obviously not that person .I'd say they wouldn't have a very nice life with her anyway. My sister is 6 yrs older than me,we are not close, however had she needed me to step in when her children were young, I would not have hesitated. And yes ,I have also been a foster parent.Hopefully, the mother's friends or church (something ,as a atheist ,I would never usually advocate) can find a loving family who will keep the children together.I find it odd that this woman is so pious yet the children are all the result of apparent infidelity .Sound more like an excuse for the husband to shuck all responsibility. There are many families out there who would love a ready made family. The already overburdened foster system should be a last resort. Those poor little kids are about to lose their whole world, but would have a miserable life with their aunt and frankly deserve better.
NTA. Not her kids and she doesn't want kids anyway. Just because it's her sister changes nothing. Even if she had kept contact it still would not matter. You cannot force children on someone that made the choice to never have them.
I will have these poor little kids. They aren’t at fault, they didn’t ask to be put in this situation. I would gladly take them and love them as though they were my own. Please let me know if they have found somewhere safe and loving. 🥲
I’ll adopt them. And, as an adoptee and an adoptive parent, I know there are many childless couples who would gladly adopt them. I wish those 3 sweet babies much luck and love.
It takes a lot of courage to say No. The mother should stop sending friends to abuse her sister. She should spend that energy finding a friend who will raise her children. And, she should forgive her little sister for not being pliable as playdough. People are rarely so flexible in reality.
Probably best that someone who doesn't want them not take them. That being said, I had an AMAZING BOSS once. His father was murdered from a drug deal gone wrong when he was only 20 years old. This amazing man, and his girlfriend, took in his three younger siblings! At 20 years old, there's no way I was responsible enough to do that. MAD A** RESPECT FOR HIM AND HIS WOMAN!
I have four kids and am seriously ill. Still, of course I would not hesitate to take my sisters kids (or my brither's) - duh- I would take the kids of my neighbors if they'd need a home. If she does not feel like a parent, fair enough, take them in to make sure they find a proper home. One can look after them, to make sure they are alright, even if they do not live with them - and who knows, maybe they'll like them and take them home anyway. For young parents: this is the reason for why you look for people who Are willing to take your kids while you are well and hire a solicitor to make everything legally. We have this for our four kids!
She s under no obligation to take her sister’s children, morally, emotionally or ethically. Her and her sister have not been in contact for ten years. Her and her husband made the decision to not have children, kudos to them. To put three children into a home that does not really want them would be tragic. If the sister is religious then she needs to explore that avenue. There are a lot of loving people out there who would love to give them a home.
OP is right. She owes nothing to her sister and the kids are not her responsibility.
The OP should not have to take in children especially considering she is dealing with her own issues and overall perhaps it is best considering she seems to be holding blame from the sister onto them. The kids are about to have their lives seriously messed up through no fault of their own, possibly even being raised in different families because people tend to look for newborns instead of 6 year olds. I understand why she judges her sister's actions, but I feel like perhaps there is more to this story than what one sister who seems to be holding a huge grudge has to offer. Also, I hate these AITA posts cause she seems less wanting to know and more so just kicking her sister while she is down. She knows the decision she is going to make, she is not going to take the children in no matter what, what was the point of this?
Me coinage in this post like WHAT AN ARSEHOLE now I’m like damn I feel you.
Ugh mixed feelings on this one- they're still your blood relatives and family is important. Maybe help her find someone to take them in? I mean if they were my nieces and nephews - I'd at least want to make sure they were taken care of. I totally understand the point- and don't think you're an a*****e but just feel bad for the children
Are there maternal grandparents? Maybe they can provide care, until the fathers are found.
Either way this isa very sad and tragic situation for the kids. As for the sister: For someone you did not have any contact with for 10 years you sure do know a LOT about her. Or that the kids are one night stands so to speak and you know they are all from different fathers. HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ALL THAT WITH NO CONTACT. And the ex KNOWS none of the kids are his. Obviously short of both her and her former husband being white, and the kids are black or other color how does HE know they are not his. I think she is an a*****e but not because she won't take the kids but reading her comments, that is how she cone across. BUT sadly she is right. Not her responsibility. The dying mother should have made a highly publicized plea to the public for someone to step forward.
I just feel badly for the kids. The sister can't be bothered to give a crap about her nibling and the mom is determined that the sister take them in. I can understand the mom wanting family to take the kids in but said family can't be bothered. It's highly doubtful the sister would treat them well even if she did stir herself to take them. "Foster care" has a terrible reputation for a reason; maybe the mom should find someone at her church to take them.
That’s a lot to unpack. I understand her not wanting to take on kids that aren’t hers, but I guess I couldn’t imagine abandoning them either. I guess I would insist on finding the fathers even if it was out of my own pocket.
I think it's a bit unfair to say she is abandoning them. They are not her responsibility to abandon.
Load More Replies... How does she owe it to the nieces/nephews? She didn't ask her sister to procreate.
Load More Replies... It's an ex-husband, not a husband. There's no telling how long he was around the kids, or if he met them at all.
Load More Replies... Oh please, those who downvoted me, I was joking. Come on.
Load More Replies... Smug and self righteous to the end. All you prove is that you are the a*****e.
Load More Replies... Biology is unimportant, a loving family is all that matters. Source: I am adopted
Load More Replies... They didn't have a chance because of their a*****e of a mother. It would be worse for both OP and the kids for her to adopt them, for reasons stated by OP.
Load More Replies... If poster's husband chose not to have even one of his own kids because he doesn't want kids, he's not obligated to raise 3 that aren't even his. The ill mom's husband also isn't obligated to raise kids he was lied to were his.
Load More Replies... What high horse? She recognized she wouldn't be able to support the kids on her own and she wouldn't be a good guardian to them.
Load More Replies... this post makes you sound unhinged, and that makes it hard to take what you say seriously.
Load More Replies... Alone? Nah, her husband was only going to leave if she adopted. The a*****e is the person who actually thinks this is her responsibility.
Load More Replies... Therapists and babysitters cost money, so does the rest of the child care stuff, she'd be going at it alone, and even if her husband wouldn't leave her, they don't have the money for it
Load More Replies... She has many reasons why she cannot. Plus, suddenly taking in children would mean making them trust you, changing your relationship with your spouse, and paying for them. Overall, it is a big commitment
Load More Replies... Of she knows she can't love them, it's best that she won't take them. But why be so vicious about it. They're better off with a 50/50 chance in any system than a 💯 chance of being rasied by a disinterested & vindictive aunt
Load More Replies... no. it's not Ops responsibility to take care of kids that aren't theirs, plus it would ruin their mental health, and have a guardian that only keeps you there because you're related really sucks, and it sucks more when their mental health is shitty and you have a newborn sibling
Load More Replies... Op has no obligation to take on children she doesn't even know. She stated she wouldn't be able to support them because her husband would leave. She NEVER wanted children, people who do t want children usually don't for a reason. She has already acknowledged she wouldn't be a good mother.
Load More Replies... "How dare you not take care of children that arent yours that are also from a completely different country that belong to your sister that you haven't talked to in ten years?!'
Load More Replies... 
169
247