“Am I The Jerk For Leaving My Girlfriend Behind Because She Was Taking Too Long To Get Ready?”
There are places and events that you can arrive at, not at the time it is supposed to start but whenever’s convenient for you, and it won’t be a big deal. For example, if you “miss” the first fifteen minutes of a concert, there’s a good chance that you will actually still be in time to hear the opening chords. They often start late. Plus, if it’s a rock show, you won’t bother anyone even if you come by in the middle of it. But do that during a play, or even worse, a wedding, and you’re done.
That’s why when Reddit user Junior-Coyote was planning to go to her cousin’s wedding, she wanted to be early so that things like traffic or something else that was out of her control wouldn’t ruin the trip. The woman set the exact time when she and her girlfriend Hannah would leave the house. But when the moment came, Hannah wasn’t ready. After urging her again and again, Junior-Coyote decided to go alone. She just didn’t want to miss the ceremony.
Needless to say, Hannah took it really badly. She blew up at her, saying that the woman was being selfish and acting like a control freak. Lost and confused, Junior-Coyote explained the details to the subreddit ‘Am I the [Jerk]’ asking its members if that’s really the case. Here’s what she wrote.
This woman and her girlfriend were getting ready for a wedding
Image credits: Annie Spratt (not the actual photo)
But her partner was taking so long, she left her behind and went alone
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Hannah was furious
Image credits: Junior-Coyote-5116
The popularity of this post might be an indicator that time keeping is, sadly, a pretty common problem in today’s relationships. In fact, couples therapist Adam Maurer believes that way too many committed partners slip into becoming merely a roommate.
“Folks who make love last learn how to set boundaries in their different roles, and give time to what is important to them,” Maurer said. “Think about it like this, if you are a parent then you must make time for yourself as an individual, yourself as part of a couple, yourself as your role in your larger family. Dedicate too much time to one of those identities and the others become neglected, also problems can pop up in the role where you are over-functioning.”
According to Aaron Ben-Zeév, who is considered to be one of the world’s leading experts in the study of emotions, in loving relationships, in which spontaneity, sincerity, and flexibility play such essential roles, politeness—which is usually a kind of superficial and rigid manner of avoiding inadvertent offenses—is of less importance.
“Lovers are less careful about what they say and do [and] this can hurt their partners,” he wrote. “As the old song indicates, ‘You always break the kindest heart with a hasty word you can’t recall.’ The price of being able to behave freely in love, without always having to tread carefully and hesitate before acting or opening your mouth, is that you can do or say impetuous things that might hurt your lover.”
“Unpunctuality can harm the development of long-term profound love, which is based on shared emotional experiences and joint activities. Such development presupposes a certain coordination between the two lovers. Accordingly, some level of punctuality is also necessary in loving relationships. Lateness can indeed hurt those we love, and we should try to prevent it as much as possible. However, being hurt is determined not merely by the lover who is unpunctual, but also by the way the punctual partner interprets the lover’s lateness.”
In this case, when the schedule was agreed on in advance and when Hannah heard repeated warnings, she sent the message that her looks were more important to her than her girlfriend actually getting to enjoy the sight of her cousin getting married. And that doesn’t sound very good, does it?
Ben-Zeév said that these situations can escalate into an unpleasant loop. “Even minor violations of punctuality are likely to insult the punctual partner, generating the feeling that the unpunctual individual is disrespectful not merely of his or her time, but also of more profound values. Such a feeling is likely to generate tension and wariness if the chronically late partner interprets the punctual partner’s attitude as indicative of a failure to realize his or her romantic profundity.”
Will this couple find a way out of it?
But people think the girlfriend that left did nothing wrong
This looks like an entrenched behaviour pattern that Hannah isn't going to change, and doesn't want to change. Your relationship is going to be spent running late for things, fighting about it, and getting the silent treatment. Consider whether this is a deal breaker for you. Personally I would feel disrespected and alienated, but that's me.
Deborah B gave the best advice on how to be a responsible, respectful adult. If it's not reciprocated, what foundation of a relationship u gonna build on ? P.S who wants to be a parent to a partner to begin with?
Load More Replies...Doesn’t say when she started, but I can’t understand why it would take anyone well over an hour to get ready anyway. Shower. Wash and dry hair. Make up. Get dressed. Grab bag and coat. Whole routine takes me 30 mins tops. 45 if I have to do the whole leg shaving and intimate topiary stuff for a date.
Giving you an upvote for "intimate topiary stuff." Hilarious description!
Load More Replies...My mom has always has a time management problem. She will frequently make people wait hours for her. If she says she will come by at 11am, she really means 2pm. More than once, we have missed or been late for events because she can't be on time. Then when she shows up late and your time is now limited because you have plans later in the day, she get mad. You pretty much have to clear your entire day for her since you don't know when she will show up. Next time I will leave without her.
wow, that sounds infuriating. Good for you for finally planning to set a boundary!
Load More Replies...I would always rather be early than late. I like a little leeway in the schedule for, oh, I don't know, traffic, a flat tire, a bathroom break.
And my leeway for my anxiety over possibly being late. I'd rather be an hour early than 10 minutes late any day.
Load More Replies...Hannah is saying "I'm as early as I want to be." In situations like this the issue is not punctuality - it's control.
When my bff invited her habitually late mother in law the her first grandchild baptism she told her it was an hour earlier than the actual time. The women was 45min late to the baptism, so 1h45m late to the stating time she was given... She was also bringing the godparents so we couldn't start without them.... Nothing has changed much in the last 20years....
Giving an unreliable person such an important responsibility seems like a huge mistake.
Load More Replies...Same thing happened to me, only I wasn't just attending the wedding, I was actually in the wedding party, and my wife was the one that wasn't ready in time and got left behind. That was about 20 years ago, and I still hear about it to this day.
As someone who struggles with being on time, I do respect other people's time, but I really have to work at being on time. For my husband and me (and why do time challenged people always attract the early birds?) we developed a system. Together we work out when we want to arrive, then the travel time, then a reasonable cushion for traffic, then the must leave by time, then the try to leave by time, then the I start getting ready time. When things go perfect, we are in the area way early and get to enjoy some relaxed us time. When things slip, no stress because we built cushions in. It took some trial and error to get the right balance for us, but we worked together to deal with each of our issues so it doesn't have to be a stress and fight factory.
Have you been tested for ADHD? My Dad was consistently late for everything. He'd demand that all of us get ready and *we* would be the ones waiting in the car for an hour. Then we piled back into the house to get one final bathroom break before being trapped in the car for another hour (he only stopped if we were crying to pee) and he had a meltdown. Too bad Mother never drove off without him, but she did end a few outings when he pulled that stunt. It was the kids who lost out.
Load More Replies...At the risk of downvotes...I have a long history of being late for things. It's been a life long struggle. I have come to a point where if someone sets a time boundary with me, and I miss it, I know it's on me. I really don't believe people who say it's that I value my time more than someone else's. In my experience it's more of a focus issue. Either I have trouble switching focus away from something (like a work project), or I get distracted while getting ready (I *really* need to clip my nails right now). When it's important, I set multiple reminders for myself, and skip steps when I know I'm running late. Which still happens, and occasionally I really mess up and forget to put something on my calendar. If you're dealing with a chronically late person, I don't think taking it personally helps the situation. What helps me is crystal clear time boundaries ("we need to leave at 11:07am"), and consequences (leave without me). If they get angry, let them be angry.
The difference between you and Hannah is thst you acknowledge that it is a problem, are trying to work on it, and dont get mad when you are left behind as a result. OP tried to set time boundaries and give reminders as they were coming and Hannah brushed them off then got mad when OP left without her because she still wasnt ready a half hour after they were supposed to leave.
Load More Replies...CanNOT stand people who are late all the time. I also don't understand it. Like, it's a deal breaker. It's especially frustrating in a work environment, like when there's tiered shifts like at a store. ("You can go on your break when So-and-so gets here at 11." Okay , so that means I'll be taking my break at around noon and ya'll still won't do anything about this employee). I have worked at too many places like this.
If someone makes you wait on them, they are telling you that their time is more important than your time. I can't stand people who do this! How hard is it to have some common courtesy and BE ON TIME. NTA, dump that girl. She doesn't GAF about you or anyone else, clearly.
i absolutely hate when people disrespect my time ..with a 2 hour drive you gonna arrive at 13:00 if you leave 11:00 so you have time to use the bathroom, chitchat a little, refresh yourself, before the ceremony, but if you leave at 11:30 theres gonna be a lot less time to traffic jam or a misshapp...so waiting for HER after telling her multiple times to get ready ...NTA
OP is NTA here, though I think she can stand to be a little more clear with her boundaries. The end result (setting a specific time to leave, and then following through) was perfect! I would encourage OP to do that from the start next time. Instead of saying you want to leave "a little after 11", don't be afraid to be specific! If you want to leave it at 11, say so. If you want to leave at 11:15, say so. Once the time is set, I suggest not doing any of that nagging (all the time warnings). Your partner is an adult, treat them like one. Focus on yourself, be ready at the appointed time and leave at the appointed time. Though you are in a relationship, so I would also suggest being responsive to your partner if they communicate a need. Let them be the one to communicate the need though. Being responsive does not mean giving them whatever they want, it means listening and being accommodating only if you are comfortable with what they're asking.
Equally concerning to me than the time issue is the way "Hannah" responded to OPs anxiety. Telling her to "chill" is invalidating and shows a lack of empathy.
Load More Replies...My SISTER. "Jenn, we need to be out the door in 5 minutes" Hang on a sec. "Jenn, we're gonna be late" Hang on a sec. Yeah, I left without her, to a really cool party she SO wanted to go to. She ended up having to call a cab - and was p*ssed at ME. Too bad, so sad. This was before cell phones, so she couldn't blow mine up. Did she learn? Oh, F*CK no. But I did.
No way. I have a sister who is incredibly late to things, and part of the reason why it still happens is because she's never really had to face any consequences from it. So she's never really cared about being late, even if we did. (plus, at my sister's wedding it was awkward to see the 2 couples com in late. They couldn't see her walk down the aisle because they were late.)
My middle sister couldn't make it on time if she had servants to help her & a limo to drive her! Ridiculous!! I have always been early...a minimum of 10-15 minutes. With drs appointments, I might be 20-30 minutes early & many times it has paid off! I get in early, cause the person ahead of me is late & the office needs to keep going. I love walking out the office door like 10 minutes after the original start time of my appointments!!
My mother takes a ridiculous amount of time to get ready.(it might not be her fault, she takes a lot of meds that make it hard to focus) We tell her we plan on leaving an hour earlier than we actually plan on. She's right on time. But I can't stand when people are late because they just can't be bothered to be on time. I've tried to impress on my kids that if you aren't 5 minutes early you are late(not for everything, obviously), being late is hugely disrespectful, and you really don't want that to be your first impression. I still have one that doesn't get it, but they've missed a couple meals at college now so I think it's starting to sink in. Hannah is not a good fit for OP.
Ever since I can remember I have set a time at which I am leaving, with or without. Several times it has been without and there have been tears but I have yet to be late because of waiting for somebody who clearly thinks the planet revolves around them. There have been occasions where I have waited because of circumstances beyond control.
NTA. This is unnerving, almost passive-aggressive behavior. Being late is one thing--making someone else late is worse. There is no reason for her not to be sure to be ready on time, especially because it was your invitation, which makes you responsible for arriving with your date on time. She did not mind being late, but was fully aware that you did. The solution. Arrive separately, or don't go.
Hannah sounds selfish and vain. OP should drop her as she clearly has no respect for the OP.
Everyone's time is precious, because you can never get it back. Your post suggest that you have given her reminders in the past, about your punctuality concerns. My guess is that she would have to decompress, after you kept reminding her about the time. She clearly does not value others' time.
I always late. I have accepted it as a part of me, and i have learned the art of smooth talking my way out of lateness or make it up to people. With that said, i never drag other people to be late with me. If i was hannah, i would tell op to go ahead, I'll catch up later after I'm ready.
Nope... NTA! He gave Hannah PLENTY of time and she knew he wanted to be there on early. It's his cousin's wedding too, so he most likely wanted to get there early on purpose to say hello, catch up and make the rounds with people that he probably hasn't seen in a while. Seriously, my sister is like Hannah and that's why these past few Thanksgiving/Xmas Holidays, Mom begun setting the table and serving us without her. We tell her 4pm when it's really for 5pm but homegirl STILL manages to come at 7pm lol... I can't stand people like that!
Actually, OP is a she, not a he. Just wanted to point that out and not wanting to be rude.
Load More Replies...I'd breakup with somebody who is that inconsiderate. Her type thinks the world revolves around them and they end up becoming karens
I would do the same. If I need to leave at 11, I leave at 11, and don't give a c**p if people around me are not ready. Also, I used to have "friends" who were constantly late to events. I eventually cut them out of my life. Respect my time.
I learned from a relatively young age to be on time. My dad doesn't like waiting when he plans something. My husband and sister are notorious for being late. It's gotten to the point that I get my kids and I ready and just leave, telling him I'll see him whenever, and don't be surprised that it started before he gets there. I live 30 min away from my parents. My sister lives 5 min away from them, and still is an hour late. Yes, she has kids to get ready as well, but come on! It's gotten to the point where my parents tell her an hour earlier just so she shows up on time. And even then she's still late most times. Now we just start the event and don't wait. I feel guilty if I'm even 5 minutes late. I hate not being on time.
I divorced my first wife over her chronic inability to be on time. I think maybe people who have never tried to live with it don’t really appreciate just how rotten it can be, to *always* be waiting on another person. At first it might come off as a quirk. But over time it becomes obvious that it’s a hugely disrespectful power / control thing. I hope OP uses this as an opportunity to bail out of the relationship and find someone new and mentally healthy.
I can't stand being late, and nothing peeves me off more than someone else making me run late. Sometimes it can't be prevented, and those situations are understandable. But when the person is consistently running behind, it's a problem and just shows a lack of respect imo.
nope she is because even if you do like being early like she stated her knowing that fact make her an even bigger POS for not being ready when she needed to be
If you told a 9 y o that your car leaves at 7:20 to be sure you're not late for work, and she doesn't respect that. As a parent, you then pack a bag with a brush, a set of daytime clothes, toothpaste, and brush, pop tarts. Have it in the car so you can get that start time. you have 2 messages for the child A) no-one ever died getting to school in their PJs B) If you want to choose what to wear, be ready, if not, it's my choice then. How many times will that child go into the car in their PJs? The same rules can apply to adults. Dad didn't toddler ready so mom can drop her off at daycare on HER way to work, well then he can do it on HIS way at his inconvenience and be late. What was OP to do? pack her dress and shoes in the car--tell her the car leaves in 7 minutes and her remaining stuff gets packed up and in the car or you're gone! Then do it! No more other warnings, say what you mean then mean what you've said. either they train you or you train them--choose how you want to live.
Parents can do that kind of stuff for their kid, I really don't recommend acting like a parent to a romantic partner. It's really on Hannah to decide what she can do in the car or at the venue and pack her own stuff.
Load More Replies...Hannah is on some BS. It's disrespectful to be late to an event like that. Treat Hannah like she's treating you........p**q her...... she's selfish, rude, disrespectful and a Karen
I have always felt that people who are habitually late are selfish. They have zero respect for other people's time. And for a wedding?? Sounds like she's wanting to upstage the bride, not compliment. I would've left her too. I started doin that to a neighbor that always got rides from me. When I said it was time to go, she'd take forever getting ready, saying goodbye, whatever. Finally I just started leaving her wherever we were... guess who figured out how to get in the free ride on time?
People who are late dont value your time at all. She dosnt value her GF time at all, and plays victim. Dump her.
I just think the fact that both have drastically different priorities and concepts of respect heavily suggests that they should seek relationships elsewhere
I think this was a clash of moods: TS was in 'work mode' & girlfriend 'wanted to feel the morning'. A hug and a cuddle + girlfriend might have been ready to stop 'hanging around for atmosphete'
I'm the kind of guy that always runs late. But if it's an event like a wedding or a concert, damn straight I'm getting there early. Traffic, trying to find your seat, etc.
One of my former wives was always late, she would be late for her own funeral. I got tired of having to cancel my plans because she took so long and I finally told her that I would leave one half hour before the time we’re supposed to be wherever I was going, if she wasn’t ready she wasn’t going.
She has no respect for other people and their time. This is a narcissistic trait. Save yourself the headache and heart ache, dump her now.
PS she will know the next time that you’re not playing around, when go out
No you were not, you gave her enough time to get ready and you set the time you would live. She should of started a lot earlier, if it takes her that long. She is the selfish and inconsiderate person, feels entitled. I would have done the same.
My son will be 2 and I nurses him. It takes me an hour to get us ready. I have to get up, nurse him than get him breakfast while he is eating I am getting dress doing my hair. I wipe him down get him dress do his hair. Do all of that in 1 hour.
I am known to be always like 5-10 min late to a lot of things. But for an important thing such as a wedding I would be on time or most often even early. That she was still in her pj's by 11 is incredibly disrespectful, especially when you see that the other one is very nervous about leaving in time.
Just reading your post, gave me anxiety. I HAVE TO be early for EVERY THING. It takes me 33 minutes to drive to work, but I always give myself an hour. I used to leave my ex behind all of the time for the taking too long and not being ready on time. NTA!!!!!!
NTA.. GF is very disrespectful. OP did the right thing. GF is trying her best to control the situation. If she didn't want to go to the wedding, she should have said so in the beginning. It's probably happened before and will continue to happen. Find a girlfriend who is more mature.
Hannah was completely disrespectful of the wedding ceremony she was attending and OP's time. She's been "nearly ready" for an hour - she'd been saying "nearly done" at 10:30 - and yet despite being given 30 minutes after the departure time she was still in her pjs when OP left. Nah, that isn't nearly ready. The fact that she then chose to blow up OP's phone, knowing OP would first be driving then be attending a wedding ceremony, just smacks rudeness because if OP had made the mistake of not turning off/muting the phone Hannah could have disturbed the wedding itself. I don't want to know how much spare time OP arrived with, that's now the point, but I do wonder then the calls started because that might indicate when Hannah actually noticed OP had left without her.
Definitely NTA, the girlfriend was completely disrespectful. She knew this was important to OP and continued to blow her off and show no effort to get ready even with an extra half an hour.
My sister has the same problem... And I like to be early to things (like, If I tell you to meet me at 2pm, I will probably be on the marked spot at 1:30 If not before). I learned to either just leave on my own or stay on the door way of wharever Room she is in and remind her of time constantly... The only event she has not been late for while on her own was our mom's funeral, otherwise she's either late or has to be pressured on being on time
NTA not at all. I literally use to spend my day waiting on people. I'm the only person in my friends group with a vehicle. So needless to say I get called a lot to run people here and there. Yet it doesn't seem to matter that I take my time to run these folks around they can't seem to manage to be ready when I arrive to pick them up. And I'm not talking waiting a few min. I've actually said to hell with it after waiting an hour to leave. And it isn't just one person. It is all of them. ( a group of about 6 people). Yet if I try to get them to hurry I'm the AH for rushing them. I've finally seen the light. No good deed goes unpunished. I've stopped giving people rides, my stress has dropped and I'm on time wherever I have an appt I have to be at. All's well lol. But no she isn't the AH for leaving. Some people value their time and make the most of it. And by respecting others desire to adhere to schedules you may just find yourself on time lol. All the time.
When I saw the title I was about to consider ESH depending on the situation, but OP was absolutely NTA and needs to break it off with Hannah immediately. She doesn't value his time in the slightest and will try to make him seem like the bad guy whenever they're late to anything.
My stepmom is like this. Always lare with whatever event we are going to when I visit. Sport event, restaurant invitations whatever. Everyone will be dressed and waiting and she'll be coming out of the bedroom half dressed because she forgot she wanted to tidy the closet or wants to make sure the other reservation in 2 days was correctly placed so we always end up 5 to 10 minutes late. My dad finally made peace with it last time when he gave her the 10 minute notice we should be heading out then poured us a drink because he knew it would be 30 minutes
Instead of just leaving after 10 minutes. He's enabling her.
Load More Replies...Just reading the first few words of your comment I knew it was going another of those utterly pointless ones.
Load More Replies...You may have missed the part where it was wedding of OP's cousin... I say this as your comment seems to ignore the possibility that it was important to OP not to miss the ceremony.
Load More Replies...This looks like an entrenched behaviour pattern that Hannah isn't going to change, and doesn't want to change. Your relationship is going to be spent running late for things, fighting about it, and getting the silent treatment. Consider whether this is a deal breaker for you. Personally I would feel disrespected and alienated, but that's me.
Deborah B gave the best advice on how to be a responsible, respectful adult. If it's not reciprocated, what foundation of a relationship u gonna build on ? P.S who wants to be a parent to a partner to begin with?
Load More Replies...Doesn’t say when she started, but I can’t understand why it would take anyone well over an hour to get ready anyway. Shower. Wash and dry hair. Make up. Get dressed. Grab bag and coat. Whole routine takes me 30 mins tops. 45 if I have to do the whole leg shaving and intimate topiary stuff for a date.
Giving you an upvote for "intimate topiary stuff." Hilarious description!
Load More Replies...My mom has always has a time management problem. She will frequently make people wait hours for her. If she says she will come by at 11am, she really means 2pm. More than once, we have missed or been late for events because she can't be on time. Then when she shows up late and your time is now limited because you have plans later in the day, she get mad. You pretty much have to clear your entire day for her since you don't know when she will show up. Next time I will leave without her.
wow, that sounds infuriating. Good for you for finally planning to set a boundary!
Load More Replies...I would always rather be early than late. I like a little leeway in the schedule for, oh, I don't know, traffic, a flat tire, a bathroom break.
And my leeway for my anxiety over possibly being late. I'd rather be an hour early than 10 minutes late any day.
Load More Replies...Hannah is saying "I'm as early as I want to be." In situations like this the issue is not punctuality - it's control.
When my bff invited her habitually late mother in law the her first grandchild baptism she told her it was an hour earlier than the actual time. The women was 45min late to the baptism, so 1h45m late to the stating time she was given... She was also bringing the godparents so we couldn't start without them.... Nothing has changed much in the last 20years....
Giving an unreliable person such an important responsibility seems like a huge mistake.
Load More Replies...Same thing happened to me, only I wasn't just attending the wedding, I was actually in the wedding party, and my wife was the one that wasn't ready in time and got left behind. That was about 20 years ago, and I still hear about it to this day.
As someone who struggles with being on time, I do respect other people's time, but I really have to work at being on time. For my husband and me (and why do time challenged people always attract the early birds?) we developed a system. Together we work out when we want to arrive, then the travel time, then a reasonable cushion for traffic, then the must leave by time, then the try to leave by time, then the I start getting ready time. When things go perfect, we are in the area way early and get to enjoy some relaxed us time. When things slip, no stress because we built cushions in. It took some trial and error to get the right balance for us, but we worked together to deal with each of our issues so it doesn't have to be a stress and fight factory.
Have you been tested for ADHD? My Dad was consistently late for everything. He'd demand that all of us get ready and *we* would be the ones waiting in the car for an hour. Then we piled back into the house to get one final bathroom break before being trapped in the car for another hour (he only stopped if we were crying to pee) and he had a meltdown. Too bad Mother never drove off without him, but she did end a few outings when he pulled that stunt. It was the kids who lost out.
Load More Replies...At the risk of downvotes...I have a long history of being late for things. It's been a life long struggle. I have come to a point where if someone sets a time boundary with me, and I miss it, I know it's on me. I really don't believe people who say it's that I value my time more than someone else's. In my experience it's more of a focus issue. Either I have trouble switching focus away from something (like a work project), or I get distracted while getting ready (I *really* need to clip my nails right now). When it's important, I set multiple reminders for myself, and skip steps when I know I'm running late. Which still happens, and occasionally I really mess up and forget to put something on my calendar. If you're dealing with a chronically late person, I don't think taking it personally helps the situation. What helps me is crystal clear time boundaries ("we need to leave at 11:07am"), and consequences (leave without me). If they get angry, let them be angry.
The difference between you and Hannah is thst you acknowledge that it is a problem, are trying to work on it, and dont get mad when you are left behind as a result. OP tried to set time boundaries and give reminders as they were coming and Hannah brushed them off then got mad when OP left without her because she still wasnt ready a half hour after they were supposed to leave.
Load More Replies...CanNOT stand people who are late all the time. I also don't understand it. Like, it's a deal breaker. It's especially frustrating in a work environment, like when there's tiered shifts like at a store. ("You can go on your break when So-and-so gets here at 11." Okay , so that means I'll be taking my break at around noon and ya'll still won't do anything about this employee). I have worked at too many places like this.
If someone makes you wait on them, they are telling you that their time is more important than your time. I can't stand people who do this! How hard is it to have some common courtesy and BE ON TIME. NTA, dump that girl. She doesn't GAF about you or anyone else, clearly.
i absolutely hate when people disrespect my time ..with a 2 hour drive you gonna arrive at 13:00 if you leave 11:00 so you have time to use the bathroom, chitchat a little, refresh yourself, before the ceremony, but if you leave at 11:30 theres gonna be a lot less time to traffic jam or a misshapp...so waiting for HER after telling her multiple times to get ready ...NTA
OP is NTA here, though I think she can stand to be a little more clear with her boundaries. The end result (setting a specific time to leave, and then following through) was perfect! I would encourage OP to do that from the start next time. Instead of saying you want to leave "a little after 11", don't be afraid to be specific! If you want to leave it at 11, say so. If you want to leave at 11:15, say so. Once the time is set, I suggest not doing any of that nagging (all the time warnings). Your partner is an adult, treat them like one. Focus on yourself, be ready at the appointed time and leave at the appointed time. Though you are in a relationship, so I would also suggest being responsive to your partner if they communicate a need. Let them be the one to communicate the need though. Being responsive does not mean giving them whatever they want, it means listening and being accommodating only if you are comfortable with what they're asking.
Equally concerning to me than the time issue is the way "Hannah" responded to OPs anxiety. Telling her to "chill" is invalidating and shows a lack of empathy.
Load More Replies...My SISTER. "Jenn, we need to be out the door in 5 minutes" Hang on a sec. "Jenn, we're gonna be late" Hang on a sec. Yeah, I left without her, to a really cool party she SO wanted to go to. She ended up having to call a cab - and was p*ssed at ME. Too bad, so sad. This was before cell phones, so she couldn't blow mine up. Did she learn? Oh, F*CK no. But I did.
No way. I have a sister who is incredibly late to things, and part of the reason why it still happens is because she's never really had to face any consequences from it. So she's never really cared about being late, even if we did. (plus, at my sister's wedding it was awkward to see the 2 couples com in late. They couldn't see her walk down the aisle because they were late.)
My middle sister couldn't make it on time if she had servants to help her & a limo to drive her! Ridiculous!! I have always been early...a minimum of 10-15 minutes. With drs appointments, I might be 20-30 minutes early & many times it has paid off! I get in early, cause the person ahead of me is late & the office needs to keep going. I love walking out the office door like 10 minutes after the original start time of my appointments!!
My mother takes a ridiculous amount of time to get ready.(it might not be her fault, she takes a lot of meds that make it hard to focus) We tell her we plan on leaving an hour earlier than we actually plan on. She's right on time. But I can't stand when people are late because they just can't be bothered to be on time. I've tried to impress on my kids that if you aren't 5 minutes early you are late(not for everything, obviously), being late is hugely disrespectful, and you really don't want that to be your first impression. I still have one that doesn't get it, but they've missed a couple meals at college now so I think it's starting to sink in. Hannah is not a good fit for OP.
Ever since I can remember I have set a time at which I am leaving, with or without. Several times it has been without and there have been tears but I have yet to be late because of waiting for somebody who clearly thinks the planet revolves around them. There have been occasions where I have waited because of circumstances beyond control.
NTA. This is unnerving, almost passive-aggressive behavior. Being late is one thing--making someone else late is worse. There is no reason for her not to be sure to be ready on time, especially because it was your invitation, which makes you responsible for arriving with your date on time. She did not mind being late, but was fully aware that you did. The solution. Arrive separately, or don't go.
Hannah sounds selfish and vain. OP should drop her as she clearly has no respect for the OP.
Everyone's time is precious, because you can never get it back. Your post suggest that you have given her reminders in the past, about your punctuality concerns. My guess is that she would have to decompress, after you kept reminding her about the time. She clearly does not value others' time.
I always late. I have accepted it as a part of me, and i have learned the art of smooth talking my way out of lateness or make it up to people. With that said, i never drag other people to be late with me. If i was hannah, i would tell op to go ahead, I'll catch up later after I'm ready.
Nope... NTA! He gave Hannah PLENTY of time and she knew he wanted to be there on early. It's his cousin's wedding too, so he most likely wanted to get there early on purpose to say hello, catch up and make the rounds with people that he probably hasn't seen in a while. Seriously, my sister is like Hannah and that's why these past few Thanksgiving/Xmas Holidays, Mom begun setting the table and serving us without her. We tell her 4pm when it's really for 5pm but homegirl STILL manages to come at 7pm lol... I can't stand people like that!
Actually, OP is a she, not a he. Just wanted to point that out and not wanting to be rude.
Load More Replies...I'd breakup with somebody who is that inconsiderate. Her type thinks the world revolves around them and they end up becoming karens
I would do the same. If I need to leave at 11, I leave at 11, and don't give a c**p if people around me are not ready. Also, I used to have "friends" who were constantly late to events. I eventually cut them out of my life. Respect my time.
I learned from a relatively young age to be on time. My dad doesn't like waiting when he plans something. My husband and sister are notorious for being late. It's gotten to the point that I get my kids and I ready and just leave, telling him I'll see him whenever, and don't be surprised that it started before he gets there. I live 30 min away from my parents. My sister lives 5 min away from them, and still is an hour late. Yes, she has kids to get ready as well, but come on! It's gotten to the point where my parents tell her an hour earlier just so she shows up on time. And even then she's still late most times. Now we just start the event and don't wait. I feel guilty if I'm even 5 minutes late. I hate not being on time.
I divorced my first wife over her chronic inability to be on time. I think maybe people who have never tried to live with it don’t really appreciate just how rotten it can be, to *always* be waiting on another person. At first it might come off as a quirk. But over time it becomes obvious that it’s a hugely disrespectful power / control thing. I hope OP uses this as an opportunity to bail out of the relationship and find someone new and mentally healthy.
I can't stand being late, and nothing peeves me off more than someone else making me run late. Sometimes it can't be prevented, and those situations are understandable. But when the person is consistently running behind, it's a problem and just shows a lack of respect imo.
nope she is because even if you do like being early like she stated her knowing that fact make her an even bigger POS for not being ready when she needed to be
If you told a 9 y o that your car leaves at 7:20 to be sure you're not late for work, and she doesn't respect that. As a parent, you then pack a bag with a brush, a set of daytime clothes, toothpaste, and brush, pop tarts. Have it in the car so you can get that start time. you have 2 messages for the child A) no-one ever died getting to school in their PJs B) If you want to choose what to wear, be ready, if not, it's my choice then. How many times will that child go into the car in their PJs? The same rules can apply to adults. Dad didn't toddler ready so mom can drop her off at daycare on HER way to work, well then he can do it on HIS way at his inconvenience and be late. What was OP to do? pack her dress and shoes in the car--tell her the car leaves in 7 minutes and her remaining stuff gets packed up and in the car or you're gone! Then do it! No more other warnings, say what you mean then mean what you've said. either they train you or you train them--choose how you want to live.
Parents can do that kind of stuff for their kid, I really don't recommend acting like a parent to a romantic partner. It's really on Hannah to decide what she can do in the car or at the venue and pack her own stuff.
Load More Replies...Hannah is on some BS. It's disrespectful to be late to an event like that. Treat Hannah like she's treating you........p**q her...... she's selfish, rude, disrespectful and a Karen
I have always felt that people who are habitually late are selfish. They have zero respect for other people's time. And for a wedding?? Sounds like she's wanting to upstage the bride, not compliment. I would've left her too. I started doin that to a neighbor that always got rides from me. When I said it was time to go, she'd take forever getting ready, saying goodbye, whatever. Finally I just started leaving her wherever we were... guess who figured out how to get in the free ride on time?
People who are late dont value your time at all. She dosnt value her GF time at all, and plays victim. Dump her.
I just think the fact that both have drastically different priorities and concepts of respect heavily suggests that they should seek relationships elsewhere
I think this was a clash of moods: TS was in 'work mode' & girlfriend 'wanted to feel the morning'. A hug and a cuddle + girlfriend might have been ready to stop 'hanging around for atmosphete'
I'm the kind of guy that always runs late. But if it's an event like a wedding or a concert, damn straight I'm getting there early. Traffic, trying to find your seat, etc.
One of my former wives was always late, she would be late for her own funeral. I got tired of having to cancel my plans because she took so long and I finally told her that I would leave one half hour before the time we’re supposed to be wherever I was going, if she wasn’t ready she wasn’t going.
She has no respect for other people and their time. This is a narcissistic trait. Save yourself the headache and heart ache, dump her now.
PS she will know the next time that you’re not playing around, when go out
No you were not, you gave her enough time to get ready and you set the time you would live. She should of started a lot earlier, if it takes her that long. She is the selfish and inconsiderate person, feels entitled. I would have done the same.
My son will be 2 and I nurses him. It takes me an hour to get us ready. I have to get up, nurse him than get him breakfast while he is eating I am getting dress doing my hair. I wipe him down get him dress do his hair. Do all of that in 1 hour.
I am known to be always like 5-10 min late to a lot of things. But for an important thing such as a wedding I would be on time or most often even early. That she was still in her pj's by 11 is incredibly disrespectful, especially when you see that the other one is very nervous about leaving in time.
Just reading your post, gave me anxiety. I HAVE TO be early for EVERY THING. It takes me 33 minutes to drive to work, but I always give myself an hour. I used to leave my ex behind all of the time for the taking too long and not being ready on time. NTA!!!!!!
NTA.. GF is very disrespectful. OP did the right thing. GF is trying her best to control the situation. If she didn't want to go to the wedding, she should have said so in the beginning. It's probably happened before and will continue to happen. Find a girlfriend who is more mature.
Hannah was completely disrespectful of the wedding ceremony she was attending and OP's time. She's been "nearly ready" for an hour - she'd been saying "nearly done" at 10:30 - and yet despite being given 30 minutes after the departure time she was still in her pjs when OP left. Nah, that isn't nearly ready. The fact that she then chose to blow up OP's phone, knowing OP would first be driving then be attending a wedding ceremony, just smacks rudeness because if OP had made the mistake of not turning off/muting the phone Hannah could have disturbed the wedding itself. I don't want to know how much spare time OP arrived with, that's now the point, but I do wonder then the calls started because that might indicate when Hannah actually noticed OP had left without her.
Definitely NTA, the girlfriend was completely disrespectful. She knew this was important to OP and continued to blow her off and show no effort to get ready even with an extra half an hour.
My sister has the same problem... And I like to be early to things (like, If I tell you to meet me at 2pm, I will probably be on the marked spot at 1:30 If not before). I learned to either just leave on my own or stay on the door way of wharever Room she is in and remind her of time constantly... The only event she has not been late for while on her own was our mom's funeral, otherwise she's either late or has to be pressured on being on time
NTA not at all. I literally use to spend my day waiting on people. I'm the only person in my friends group with a vehicle. So needless to say I get called a lot to run people here and there. Yet it doesn't seem to matter that I take my time to run these folks around they can't seem to manage to be ready when I arrive to pick them up. And I'm not talking waiting a few min. I've actually said to hell with it after waiting an hour to leave. And it isn't just one person. It is all of them. ( a group of about 6 people). Yet if I try to get them to hurry I'm the AH for rushing them. I've finally seen the light. No good deed goes unpunished. I've stopped giving people rides, my stress has dropped and I'm on time wherever I have an appt I have to be at. All's well lol. But no she isn't the AH for leaving. Some people value their time and make the most of it. And by respecting others desire to adhere to schedules you may just find yourself on time lol. All the time.
When I saw the title I was about to consider ESH depending on the situation, but OP was absolutely NTA and needs to break it off with Hannah immediately. She doesn't value his time in the slightest and will try to make him seem like the bad guy whenever they're late to anything.
My stepmom is like this. Always lare with whatever event we are going to when I visit. Sport event, restaurant invitations whatever. Everyone will be dressed and waiting and she'll be coming out of the bedroom half dressed because she forgot she wanted to tidy the closet or wants to make sure the other reservation in 2 days was correctly placed so we always end up 5 to 10 minutes late. My dad finally made peace with it last time when he gave her the 10 minute notice we should be heading out then poured us a drink because he knew it would be 30 minutes
Instead of just leaving after 10 minutes. He's enabling her.
Load More Replies...Just reading the first few words of your comment I knew it was going another of those utterly pointless ones.
Load More Replies...You may have missed the part where it was wedding of OP's cousin... I say this as your comment seems to ignore the possibility that it was important to OP not to miss the ceremony.
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