“Am I The Jerk For Leaving My Girlfriend Behind Because She Was Taking Too Long To Get Ready?”
There are places and events that you can arrive at, not at the time it is supposed to start but whenever’s convenient for you, and it won’t be a big deal. For example, if you “miss” the first fifteen minutes of a concert, there’s a good chance that you will actually still be in time to hear the opening chords. They often start late. Plus, if it’s a rock show, you won’t bother anyone even if you come by in the middle of it. But do that during a play, or even worse, a wedding, and you’re done.
That’s why when Reddit user Junior-Coyote was planning to go to her cousin’s wedding, she wanted to be early so that things like traffic or something else that was out of her control wouldn’t ruin the trip. The woman set the exact time when she and her girlfriend Hannah would leave the house. But when the moment came, Hannah wasn’t ready. After urging her again and again, Junior-Coyote decided to go alone. She just didn’t want to miss the ceremony.
Needless to say, Hannah took it really badly. She blew up at her, saying that the woman was being selfish and acting like a control freak. Lost and confused, Junior-Coyote explained the details to the subreddit ‘Am I the [Jerk]’ asking its members if that’s really the case. Here’s what she wrote.
This woman and her girlfriend were getting ready for a wedding
Image credits: Annie Spratt (not the actual photo)
But her partner was taking so long, she left her behind and went alone
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Hannah was furious
Image credits: Junior-Coyote-5116
The popularity of this post might be an indicator that time keeping is, sadly, a pretty common problem in today’s relationships. In fact, couples therapist Adam Maurer believes that way too many committed partners slip into becoming merely a roommate.
“Folks who make love last learn how to set boundaries in their different roles, and give time to what is important to them,” Maurer said. “Think about it like this, if you are a parent then you must make time for yourself as an individual, yourself as part of a couple, yourself as your role in your larger family. Dedicate too much time to one of those identities and the others become neglected, also problems can pop up in the role where you are over-functioning.”
According to Aaron Ben-Zeév, who is considered to be one of the world’s leading experts in the study of emotions, in loving relationships, in which spontaneity, sincerity, and flexibility play such essential roles, politeness—which is usually a kind of superficial and rigid manner of avoiding inadvertent offenses—is of less importance.
“Lovers are less careful about what they say and do [and] this can hurt their partners,” he wrote. “As the old song indicates, ‘You always break the kindest heart with a hasty word you can’t recall.’ The price of being able to behave freely in love, without always having to tread carefully and hesitate before acting or opening your mouth, is that you can do or say impetuous things that might hurt your lover.”
“Unpunctuality can harm the development of long-term profound love, which is based on shared emotional experiences and joint activities. Such development presupposes a certain coordination between the two lovers. Accordingly, some level of punctuality is also necessary in loving relationships. Lateness can indeed hurt those we love, and we should try to prevent it as much as possible. However, being hurt is determined not merely by the lover who is unpunctual, but also by the way the punctual partner interprets the lover’s lateness.”
In this case, when the schedule was agreed on in advance and when Hannah heard repeated warnings, she sent the message that her looks were more important to her than her girlfriend actually getting to enjoy the sight of her cousin getting married. And that doesn’t sound very good, does it?
Ben-Zeév said that these situations can escalate into an unpleasant loop. “Even minor violations of punctuality are likely to insult the punctual partner, generating the feeling that the unpunctual individual is disrespectful not merely of his or her time, but also of more profound values. Such a feeling is likely to generate tension and wariness if the chronically late partner interprets the punctual partner’s attitude as indicative of a failure to realize his or her romantic profundity.”
Will this couple find a way out of it?
But people think the girlfriend that left did nothing wrong
This looks like an entrenched behaviour pattern that Hannah isn't going to change, and doesn't want to change. Your relationship is going to be spent running late for things, fighting about it, and getting the silent treatment. Consider whether this is a deal breaker for you. Personally I would feel disrespected and alienated, but that's me.
Deborah B gave the best advice on how to be a responsible, respectful adult. If it's not reciprocated, what foundation of a relationship u gonna build on ? P.S who wants to be a parent to a partner to begin with?
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This looks like an entrenched behaviour pattern that Hannah isn't going to change, and doesn't want to change. Your relationship is going to be spent running late for things, fighting about it, and getting the silent treatment. Consider whether this is a deal breaker for you. Personally I would feel disrespected and alienated, but that's me.
Deborah B gave the best advice on how to be a responsible, respectful adult. If it's not reciprocated, what foundation of a relationship u gonna build on ? P.S who wants to be a parent to a partner to begin with?
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