‘I Have No Interest In Staying Home With Kids:’ Woman Is Honest About Her Feelings, Gets Mommy-Shamed
Let’s set all the fairytales and our idealistic thinking aside for a moment. Life isn’t clear-cut and black-and-white: there’s plenty of nuances, twists, and complex emotions that we have to get through. Life’s messy and we can’t expect that everyone will conform to the same way that we think, no matter the topic. Even having kids.
In a very candid and nuanced post on Reddit’s AITA community, user Ambivalent_Mom12 shared that she doesn’t love being pregnant or the baby stage. You won’t find many people being so brutally honest about their feelings—it takes a lot of courage. However, the mom still felt guilty for thinking these things and wanted Reddit’s opinion whether she was totally out of line.
The 31-year-old career-focused redditor pointed out that she already has a son who’s a year-and-a-half old and is pregnant with her second child. “Don’t get me wrong, I love my son and will love the new baby too but I really have no interest in staying home with my children,” she shared. When her friends and family found out, however, they were mortified. Have a read through her full story, dear Pandas, and let us know what your thoughts on the situation are.
One mom was completely honest about her feelings about being pregnant and ‘the baby stage,’ but her friends and family were less than pleased
Image credits: Boris Jovanovic (not the actual photo)
Ambivalent_Mom12 was honest that she takes pride in her job. As such, her husband has voluntarily decided to take a step back from his own career to spend more time with the kids. It seems like a very mature agreement based on lots and lots of discussions.
However, when the mom was at a social gathering, she chose to be completely honest when a woman confronted her about whether or not she thought that being pregnant is wonderful. “I said that I honestly do not enjoy being pregnant and the baby stage is tough and while I am happy to have another baby I am not really looking forward to taking time off and being stuck at home,” the mom shared.
Immediately, some of the women thought that Ambivalent_Mom12 had a problem. They implied that she might have postpartum depression and suggested that she go to therapy. They jumped to the conclusion that the mom supposedly didn’t love her kids because she wasn’t ecstatic about spending all of her time at home. Though clearly, the mom loves her kids but is honest about the fact that she has other ambitions in life as well.
Postpartum depression or PPD, what the friends and family members were referring to, is depression that you might get after having a baby. According to WebMD, it’s most common to feel its effects during the first three weeks after your baby is born, however, it can start at any time during the child’s first year.
“If you have it, you might feel sad, hopeless, and guilty because you may not feel like you want to bond with, or care for, your baby. Postpartum depression doesn’t just affect first-time moms. You can get it even if you didn’t have it when your other children were born,” WebMD notes.
Here’s what internet users had to say about the mom’s situation. Many were very sympathetic
Some other moms added that pregnancy can be extremely tough and its all right to admit that you’re not a fan of the process
Amy is the one needing therapy. She's so desperate to experience pregnancy she's romanticising the experience: no part of it can possibly negative or worthy of dislike. None of this has anything to so with the ambivalent mother at all - it's all infertility projection. Same with the rest of the group (possibly "protecting" Amy) saying the baby stage is all positive - they are deluding themselves, either on purpose or unconsciously, if they genuinely don't remember *any* negative times when their children were very little.
I think as a culture women tend to romanticize pregnancy. It's completely wrong to do so. Women absolutely should know the both the good and the bad. Going into a pregnancy thinking it's going to be all rainbows and roses are in for a rough awakening. Maybe all the good PR for being pregnant is an unconscious way of inviting those around you to go through the misery with you? Lol. And before I get called out, I have a friend that LOVES being pregnant. She had three of her own has is now on her second surrogacy. Some women adore it and others hate the process. Everyone is allowed to have their own feelings on the topic and none of those feelings are more or less valid than the others.
I'd have to agree with you. I didn't have my kids until I was 40, through IVF. I won't say that I was always rational when I would talk to women who acted like it was all a burden. But I never said it out loud, but I felt it. But as I said, it was irrational. But after having kids, I went back to work for a bit. Having your own career can be a mind saver for many women. And how can you be a good parent if all you do is focus on someone else?
Agreed. The letter writer sounds emotionally balanced, intelligent, and self-aware. The shamers are sad sacks who need serious self-reflection and lessons in etiquette.
As someone who's been trying for a baby for years (and today I learnt we have to wait for a month because I grew a cyst instead of a baby in me, yay :/) I understand where Amy is coming from emotionally. She was still rude as hell.
I hope you get the results you are hoping for, but I would also assume that you're not expecting it to be all rainbows and sunshine? If you are approaching it realistically (even if your pregnancy goes better than the majority of cases, the chances that your baby never throws up (yay, sour milk sick!), or has croup (steamy bathroom, you won't sleep, but they might), or any one of a dozen *normal but negative* things is verging on zero. I hope you'll take this in the spirit it is intended - I wish you baby croup!
I have two amazing Kids and love them to the Moon and back, but pregnancy is a nightmare. And baby stage is like gate of hell, I’m happy that we survived this
i couldn't agree more !! having kids is great (if you want some) but raising a child is so challenging !! as a man i don't know what it is but pregnancy childbirth breastfeeding and so on look so painful and tiring ... it's time to be honest about all this !! people need to know what they will have to go through before deciding to make a baby
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But.. no one forced this upon you but yourself. Stop making it sound like you survived something, when you were never in danger
I WAS in danger because of my mental health and breakdowns. Our kids were in danger because our lack of experience at the beginning. And who the hell you are to telling me, that I don’t have right to say, that IT WAS HARD?
What about lactating and breastfeeding? I honestly didn't enjoy THAT, but I did it anyway, because ... Was relieved when my baby weaned himself, and that's my truth.
Oh yes! Many friends of mine just hated breastfeeding, and no one ever thought to shame them. Obviously, we don't live in the US.
What about it? She may or may not breast feed, but that is HER decision and the kids will be fine.
I really was wondering why breastfeeding wasn't mentioned. Not by the OP, but in general. Like pregnancy, it is glorified, described as the most wonderful, glowing experience, it is depicted as the almost only way for the mother to bond with the child, women get often bullied to do it exclusively for the first 5 or 6 months and shamed if they don't, for whatever reason. When, in fact, myself and maybe other women, too, did not like the process, its physicality, its constraints, its sensation and its aftermath effects on the breasts (mine went from small and perky to a little bigger and saggier and making bras indispensable). However, I kept these thoughts to myself until now. But I did breastfeed because all the benefits for the baby and undeniable convenience. Not liking breastfeeding doesn't mean I didn't love my child, in fact I loved the baby phase, but still I was happy to return to work outside the house after the maternity leave.
I know too many women who were harassed and bullied by idiots that one of them called the "Boob Nazis" to the point where their babies were going hungry because there were people screaming at them to never let the kid touch formula. ...///... It gets really ugly. One of their pediatricians (who actually was the baby's grandfather said, "Tell them to bugger off. Feed your kid."
Yep. I had twins (at 40) and didn't even think I would try it. It seemed like it was going to be difficult. I did end up (successfully) breastfeeding them, because it is better for them, but it in actuality worked better for ME. All that being said, feed your kid. Do what works for you. The stress of getting them to latch on, not knowing if your milk is coming in, isn't good for either mom or baby. I went back to work and did the lovely (/s) job of pumping. I really hate the Boob Nazis as well.
yes what about it was her question. she is wondering what OP thinks of that and gave her personal experience without judgement.
I tried to breastfeed, but I couldn't get pass the cracked bleeding nipples that screamed pain every time I tried. So formula it was. Thank goodness for formula.
My mother couldn't manage it either. She got an infection and had to take heavy duty antibiotics that made her nauseous AND take care of me....lactose intolerant from birth, so she had to find soy based formula...in 1963.
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Because... Because why? Nobody forced you to do it.
Maybe she did it because it's good for the baby? What do you think? A sacrifice a mother can do, but you can't oblige her to love it.
Amy is the one needing therapy. She's so desperate to experience pregnancy she's romanticising the experience: no part of it can possibly negative or worthy of dislike. None of this has anything to so with the ambivalent mother at all - it's all infertility projection. Same with the rest of the group (possibly "protecting" Amy) saying the baby stage is all positive - they are deluding themselves, either on purpose or unconsciously, if they genuinely don't remember *any* negative times when their children were very little.
I think as a culture women tend to romanticize pregnancy. It's completely wrong to do so. Women absolutely should know the both the good and the bad. Going into a pregnancy thinking it's going to be all rainbows and roses are in for a rough awakening. Maybe all the good PR for being pregnant is an unconscious way of inviting those around you to go through the misery with you? Lol. And before I get called out, I have a friend that LOVES being pregnant. She had three of her own has is now on her second surrogacy. Some women adore it and others hate the process. Everyone is allowed to have their own feelings on the topic and none of those feelings are more or less valid than the others.
I'd have to agree with you. I didn't have my kids until I was 40, through IVF. I won't say that I was always rational when I would talk to women who acted like it was all a burden. But I never said it out loud, but I felt it. But as I said, it was irrational. But after having kids, I went back to work for a bit. Having your own career can be a mind saver for many women. And how can you be a good parent if all you do is focus on someone else?
Agreed. The letter writer sounds emotionally balanced, intelligent, and self-aware. The shamers are sad sacks who need serious self-reflection and lessons in etiquette.
As someone who's been trying for a baby for years (and today I learnt we have to wait for a month because I grew a cyst instead of a baby in me, yay :/) I understand where Amy is coming from emotionally. She was still rude as hell.
I hope you get the results you are hoping for, but I would also assume that you're not expecting it to be all rainbows and sunshine? If you are approaching it realistically (even if your pregnancy goes better than the majority of cases, the chances that your baby never throws up (yay, sour milk sick!), or has croup (steamy bathroom, you won't sleep, but they might), or any one of a dozen *normal but negative* things is verging on zero. I hope you'll take this in the spirit it is intended - I wish you baby croup!
I have two amazing Kids and love them to the Moon and back, but pregnancy is a nightmare. And baby stage is like gate of hell, I’m happy that we survived this
i couldn't agree more !! having kids is great (if you want some) but raising a child is so challenging !! as a man i don't know what it is but pregnancy childbirth breastfeeding and so on look so painful and tiring ... it's time to be honest about all this !! people need to know what they will have to go through before deciding to make a baby
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
But.. no one forced this upon you but yourself. Stop making it sound like you survived something, when you were never in danger
I WAS in danger because of my mental health and breakdowns. Our kids were in danger because our lack of experience at the beginning. And who the hell you are to telling me, that I don’t have right to say, that IT WAS HARD?
What about lactating and breastfeeding? I honestly didn't enjoy THAT, but I did it anyway, because ... Was relieved when my baby weaned himself, and that's my truth.
Oh yes! Many friends of mine just hated breastfeeding, and no one ever thought to shame them. Obviously, we don't live in the US.
What about it? She may or may not breast feed, but that is HER decision and the kids will be fine.
I really was wondering why breastfeeding wasn't mentioned. Not by the OP, but in general. Like pregnancy, it is glorified, described as the most wonderful, glowing experience, it is depicted as the almost only way for the mother to bond with the child, women get often bullied to do it exclusively for the first 5 or 6 months and shamed if they don't, for whatever reason. When, in fact, myself and maybe other women, too, did not like the process, its physicality, its constraints, its sensation and its aftermath effects on the breasts (mine went from small and perky to a little bigger and saggier and making bras indispensable). However, I kept these thoughts to myself until now. But I did breastfeed because all the benefits for the baby and undeniable convenience. Not liking breastfeeding doesn't mean I didn't love my child, in fact I loved the baby phase, but still I was happy to return to work outside the house after the maternity leave.
I know too many women who were harassed and bullied by idiots that one of them called the "Boob Nazis" to the point where their babies were going hungry because there were people screaming at them to never let the kid touch formula. ...///... It gets really ugly. One of their pediatricians (who actually was the baby's grandfather said, "Tell them to bugger off. Feed your kid."
Yep. I had twins (at 40) and didn't even think I would try it. It seemed like it was going to be difficult. I did end up (successfully) breastfeeding them, because it is better for them, but it in actuality worked better for ME. All that being said, feed your kid. Do what works for you. The stress of getting them to latch on, not knowing if your milk is coming in, isn't good for either mom or baby. I went back to work and did the lovely (/s) job of pumping. I really hate the Boob Nazis as well.
yes what about it was her question. she is wondering what OP thinks of that and gave her personal experience without judgement.
I tried to breastfeed, but I couldn't get pass the cracked bleeding nipples that screamed pain every time I tried. So formula it was. Thank goodness for formula.
My mother couldn't manage it either. She got an infection and had to take heavy duty antibiotics that made her nauseous AND take care of me....lactose intolerant from birth, so she had to find soy based formula...in 1963.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Because... Because why? Nobody forced you to do it.
Maybe she did it because it's good for the baby? What do you think? A sacrifice a mother can do, but you can't oblige her to love it.