Woman Cheats To Check If She “Still Has It”, Regrets It When Husband’s First Pick Is Divorce
Occasionally, even the sturdiest trust-based relationships encounter problems. For example, a person having an age-related crisis and cheating on their partner of many years with whom they have a kid.
That’s the exact thing that happened to today’s OP — his wife of 13 years cheated on him because she felt insecure about getting older. And now, the man doesn’t want to give her a second chance, even though she promised never to do it again.
Some people are so frightened of aging that it makes them do overly crazy things that ruin their lives
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
The man’s wife went on a girl’s trip, but after the first night away, she called him to say that she cheated on him
Apparently, hooking up with a younger guy was supposed to make her feel younger, as she had been struggling with getting older
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/HippoOk9111
The man stated that he was not a “second chances” type of guy and that he wanted to leave his wife after 13 years together
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/HippoOk9111
But because his mom kept pestering him to take his wife back, the man came online to ask whether he should give her a second chance or not
The OP and his wife have been together for 13 years. Their relationship was full of trust, and so the man didn’t have any worries when the wife went on her girl’s trip. Apparently, there was something to worry about.
After the first night away, the wife called her husband crying, and she told him she slept with someone else. She had approached a 10-year-younger guy and lied to him about going through a divorce (even though, as it later turned out, that didn’t matter to him). Soon, everything resulted in them having intercourse.
Her reasoning for it was that she wanted to see if she “still had it.” Basically, she felt self-conscious about aging, and hooking up with a younger guy was her way of feeling young.
But that reasoning wasn’t good enough for the OP, as he decided that he wanted to leave her despite her begging him not to and promising to do better. The post’s author said that he’s a “one chance” sort of a guy, so her pleading didn’t work on him.
The OP’s mom, who was very close with the wife, said that the man should forgive her, as he should think about the family and that what she had done wasn’t the worst-case scenario. At the same time, the wife’s sister told her she was insane for doing what she did and didn’t comfort the woman when she confessed.
While everything is up in the air, the woman is staying with her mother, and their daughter thinks her mom is still on holiday. The man is trying to figure out what to do. To forgive or not to forgive, that is the question.
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio (not the actual photo)
And it seems that most of the netizens think that the answer should be not to forgive. Quite a few expressed the sentiment that she might do it again if he forgives her. Because what will happen when she turns 40? 50? Aging is an inevitable part of life, and cheating on your partner of many years just because you feel sad about it is beyond selfish.
It seems that the OP’s wife might be suffering from internalized ageism. It’s a prejudice against yourself that pushes a person to take extreme measures to look or act younger. Basically, it’s being afraid of being perceived as old.
Actually, a lot of people, in one way or another, are afraid of aging. That’s because ageism has been ingrained in everyone’s mind since childhood — from advertisements with grumpy old people to evil old witches in fairy tales. By the time people grow up, they internalize all the negative messaging about older people and realize that they’re afraid to become them.
That’s why people excessively buy expensive creams, go under the knife for extreme procedures, and act very strangely in order to feel and look younger. The OP’s wife said that her cheating was a way for her to feel younger. Even though she’s only 33 years old, which is really not an old age, she’s already worrying about it, which kind of derailed her life.
Let’s just hope the post’s author will make a decision that’ll be the best for the family. After all, they have a 7-year-old daughter who he needs to think about while deciding what to do. And if he decides to bring the family back together, as his mother suggested, let’s hope that any other of his wife’s aging crises won’t ruin it again.
Many internet folks answered him that he shouldn’t take her back because, if he does, she might do it again in the future when she turns even older
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If she wants to feel young and desirable again, just let her go. The trust and respect is irrevocably broken. No amount of time, therapy or good behavior will bring it back. She CHOSE to cheat, over a stable, loving family at home. And maybe, just maybe, she should lay off the booze and blow.
I'm just over here mindblown that she is going through a "midlife crisis" at THIRTY-THREE and is obsessing over wrinkles? Imagine what she'll do once she hits 45! ...and I 100% agree with your last statement - gee, I wonder if the cocaine and binge-drinking is CONTRIBUTING to her wrinkles/aging?!
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Wife can keep her relationship with MIL and they can have an amical split so she can go back in the dating pool, because if it was me, I'd never trust her again.
Indeed, it’s not about forgiving, or. It just — it’s about what you see every time she touches you & whether you can get over that.
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This is so insane for so many reasons, but as an aside - coke being "just a part of British drinking culture"? What absolute nonsense.
Yeahh idk where the hell in the uk these lot r in
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It's a tough one that everyone in the family Knows she went off and did this young guy to see if she still had it. I'd have stopped at the dancing if it got too suggestive but would have though hey I still got it if that's as far as it went. Dude blew off his younger date to hang with the cougars. Sorry for their kid. But maybe it's for the best. Child is young and both can get on with their lives. Maybe have kiddo an mom hang at grandmas and maybe she could even move in there and co parent that way. You don't want to kiss her. All you will see is his d**k in her face. You don't want to rail her as you will be comparing your d**k to his or how you make her feel over him. Best to separate. She destroyed it.
Bottom line, if you want to stay together, work on it maybe it's possible, but most people wouldn't. Honestly with all the details shared in this, if it isn't a fake the husband is intrigued by the whole thing. Simply saying she gave details, and they had sex multiple times would be more than sufficient for the post. Either way get into therapy for the daughters sake, either to fix the marriage or to have a less traumatic divorce.
I've been drinking like a twat since I was 12 (now 60), never once have I ever even considered doing coke.
Reading more and more post. I think the "see if I still got it" is a trash excuse for a woman. Lets all be honest if shes a 5 out of 10 she could find any semi-drunk 23-year-old in a heartbeat and f**k and suck all she wants. If he was a 9 he have to still try 10 times as hard to find a decent-looking 23-year-old chick that would maybe hook up with him. 90% of the time any woman has "still got it"
Why all the detail? This reads like some sexual fantasy s**t. It's so freaking weird.
Details matter. Like if she just f****d the guy, thats one thing. But the fact she blew him is another thing all together! and her mind set was like well thats not cheating if its just oral, although in alot of cases id think thats worse. Then id be like how many other guys she blowing and no thinking its cheating? what if she blew 37 guys! In a row!
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My opinion is merely the observation of a single person. OP has every right to feel betrayed. His wife, whom he believed to be faithful, has turned out to be a Little Miss Round-Heels. It's like getting hit by an Amtrak train while sitting in your living room, reading the newspaper. He needs time--time to breathe, sort his feelings, and to make a clear-headed decision. It would probably be best for all concerned for OP'S wife to stay elsewhere (not at his mother's house) for at least three months. Absolutely no contact, except for updates on their daughter.
Afterwards, get together in a neutral place and discuss the next step. By that time, most emotions should have dropped to a safe level, and cooler heads can prevail. If OP opts for marital counseling, both parties should be on board, and divorce should be off the table for at least six months. But if counseling is not an option, their daughter should be told as soon as possible, in a way that she can understand, without being graphic or bitterly blaming. Her parents not living together anymore will be painful enough on its own. But the time spent away from each other is an opportunity to be brutally honest with themselves. OP, deciding once and for all if his wife's indiscretion is a deal-breaker. His wife, if it was ,and is worth sacrificing her marriage for the single life. A time of reflection for all. Just my opinion, for what it's worth.
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I think the wife was covering her backside just in case anyone she knew saw her reliving her childhood. Because what she did was childish and a total breach of faith. I would not be able to trust her any further than I could see her after this.
She has done this before, without a doubt in my mind. She told husband because sister probably told her she was going to spill the beans. All the c**p about wrinkles, feeling old, etc., is just that, c**p. She was caught and she tried to wriggle out of it with the most ridiculous excuse she could think up.
I don't know. I would drop the girl only 'cause she seems f*****g stupid. It's not even about the coke (which he seems fine with, so I guess he sniffs too) or the cheating ('cause come on, she's been, allegedly, only with her husband for more than a decade and she didn't have "fun" in her twentie. We are all human, it can happen), but this all situation...is so stupid. She has a 1 yo at home. I guess this maternity thing is very influential on her "aging" trip. Again, it's not the cheating. She's just not mature enough to have a family and she'a probably not the smartest girl out there.
The cheating aside for a second: Why the fûck do people bother doing c**e and drinking? They cancel each other out. You can't do c**k and then brag about how much you're drinking. And you have to drink a dangerous amount to get drunk if you do c**e. Like - pick one. Back to point - this calls for a trial separation. She was feeling insecure over a few wrinkles when she was in a good and stable relationship. How insecure will she feel being separated, and having wrinkles? If she sleeps with someone within three months, there's your answer.
I don't know if there is a option for separation in the UK but it worked for me. Its not a sure winner as most in separation follow through with divorce. Its a trial for both parties to see how that would feel, work, look. People by nature struggle with "grass is greener" when they are feeling unfulfilled or unhappy. Separation can provide a glimpse at what life would be like in the "greener pastures". Some will realize it IS greener with others seeing the reality of the c**p they carried with them to the other side. My story has a happy ending, we both realized we needed to change ourselves and how we viewed and treated each other. I've let the past be the past and we are happier now than ever.
Lash/nail tech, enough said. I hope he leaves her. I can't imagine the hurt.
I'm so sorry to hear this brother. I can relate to how you must feel. If you can find it in your heart to forgive her you should, mostly for yourself. Should you seek counselling, definitely yes. Should she go to an A.A. meeting, again yes. I'll be praying for you. You are loved, remember that.
Yeah... just the girls doing coke and drinking all night, to the extent that hubby see it as normal behaviour.... what could possibly go wrong? As both are seen as great choices if you want to make good decisions.
Seems I'm going against the grain here, but if it were ME then I would give her another chance. But NOBODY would be an AH for ending it then and there. Everyone's boundaries are different and if the trust is gone, it's gone. But as I told my husband immediately after we were married, if you cheat and tell me then I will probably forgive you (once) but if you cheat and I find out in any other way, we are DONE. The fact she did it, and the *way* she did it is absolutely insane, but surely that much alcohol and cocaine were affecting her brain. She sobered up and clearly regretted it or else she wouldn't have fessed up. I *think* that with couple's counselling and a lot of work on her part, the marriage *could* be saved. Apparently a lot more people choose that route than you'd think. But again, I have absolutely no bad judgement for someone who decides that they just can't get past it, even if it were less egregious than this. There is no world in which he is the AH.
Whoa I wouldn't want to hear all the details of her all night fck fest if I were him. Kick her to the curb, start hitting the gym, get rid of the dad bod, and find a better woman
How so so sad. I really feel for him and his daughter, and even his poor mom.
Reddit is going to tell this guy to leave his wife. I think he shouldn’t do anything rash and wait until he calms down. They definitely need counseling even if it ends up that they divorce anyway because it will help them cooperate as co parents. She definitely needs individual therapy as well. As well, he shouldn’t be sure this was a first or only time. I’ve known people whose. Partner has cheated and they say it was a first and only time, then more is revealed and they were cheating the whole time. But he needs to slow everything down now.
Im with you. All of that slow it all down. Do forgive just yet, but find out and understand what you want at the end of the day, at the end of the month, at the end of 10 years. Also he gets a freebee good for one night any time.
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Chuck her. If she wants to be a young s**t again, let her go do that and tell your kid mummy doesn't want to be them anymore. That's her choice. How disgusting to throw away a whole commited life because she wants to see it she can still s**t . Let her carry on without her family anymore.
You’d be a damn fool to carry on with the marriage. GET OUT NOW! Too many things wrong here, I cannot even begin to list them. Oh, and your mum’s advice? (don’t get offended here) Her advice is clear evidence that age ≠ wisdom (not always).
So I'm saying this as an Aspie who doesn't do relationships and doesn't care about being sexually attractive nor worries about ageing so this might be a bit off (not my overall AH verdict though!!). I could see flirting and dancing with someone attractive to "see if I'd got it" if I was under the influence. Not a great move but in the grand scheme of things not awful, and it serves to prove a point. Kissing would be bad but not past the point of return. But anything past that is absolutely inexcusable. You've proved you've "got it" (I'm not going to go into how I feel about the ridiculousness of that...), anything else is just gratituous and for your ego. And you can't blame it on substances - if substances make you do that, it's your responsibility to control your intake so as not to blow up your marriage.
Reading your coment and thinking about it now. F**k this b***h. Who knows if she has still got it. Shes a woman and hes a 23-year-old guy. Doesn't mather what she looks like. If shes half way decent of course he f**k her.
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Frist off its messed up and you are right to be mad, and you are right to not want to forgive. However, you need to do what is best for your kid . So maybe that is staying with a cheater for 10 more years. When you become a parent you need to put your kids first. At least in this maybe you could get fun out of it. Higher hookers, cheat on her guilt-free, get her into some threesomes. Ten years of nothing but debauchery and distrust, and tell her all the time how you are happy and forgave her, then when the kid turns 18, drop her cheating a*s.
Some children of failed marriages will tell you that they knew their parents didn't love each other and it negatively impacted their adult relationships. Certainly if the parents get angry/shouty/etc there are studies that suggest it's usually much worse for the children to stay together. I'm not saying you should always break up or anything, just that staying together "for the children" doesn't always work and you need to think hard about your exact situation before deciding.
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If she wants to feel young and desirable again, just let her go. The trust and respect is irrevocably broken. No amount of time, therapy or good behavior will bring it back. She CHOSE to cheat, over a stable, loving family at home. And maybe, just maybe, she should lay off the booze and blow.
I'm just over here mindblown that she is going through a "midlife crisis" at THIRTY-THREE and is obsessing over wrinkles? Imagine what she'll do once she hits 45! ...and I 100% agree with your last statement - gee, I wonder if the cocaine and binge-drinking is CONTRIBUTING to her wrinkles/aging?!
Load More Replies... Wife can keep her relationship with MIL and they can have an amical split so she can go back in the dating pool, because if it was me, I'd never trust her again.
Indeed, it’s not about forgiving, or. It just — it’s about what you see every time she touches you & whether you can get over that.
Load More Replies... This is so insane for so many reasons, but as an aside - coke being "just a part of British drinking culture"? What absolute nonsense.
Yeahh idk where the hell in the uk these lot r in
Load More Replies... It's a tough one that everyone in the family Knows she went off and did this young guy to see if she still had it. I'd have stopped at the dancing if it got too suggestive but would have though hey I still got it if that's as far as it went. Dude blew off his younger date to hang with the cougars. Sorry for their kid. But maybe it's for the best. Child is young and both can get on with their lives. Maybe have kiddo an mom hang at grandmas and maybe she could even move in there and co parent that way. You don't want to kiss her. All you will see is his d**k in her face. You don't want to rail her as you will be comparing your d**k to his or how you make her feel over him. Best to separate. She destroyed it.
Bottom line, if you want to stay together, work on it maybe it's possible, but most people wouldn't. Honestly with all the details shared in this, if it isn't a fake the husband is intrigued by the whole thing. Simply saying she gave details, and they had sex multiple times would be more than sufficient for the post. Either way get into therapy for the daughters sake, either to fix the marriage or to have a less traumatic divorce.
I've been drinking like a twat since I was 12 (now 60), never once have I ever even considered doing coke.
Reading more and more post. I think the "see if I still got it" is a trash excuse for a woman. Lets all be honest if shes a 5 out of 10 she could find any semi-drunk 23-year-old in a heartbeat and f**k and suck all she wants. If he was a 9 he have to still try 10 times as hard to find a decent-looking 23-year-old chick that would maybe hook up with him. 90% of the time any woman has "still got it"
Why all the detail? This reads like some sexual fantasy s**t. It's so freaking weird.
Details matter. Like if she just f****d the guy, thats one thing. But the fact she blew him is another thing all together! and her mind set was like well thats not cheating if its just oral, although in alot of cases id think thats worse. Then id be like how many other guys she blowing and no thinking its cheating? what if she blew 37 guys! In a row!
Load More Replies... My opinion is merely the observation of a single person. OP has every right to feel betrayed. His wife, whom he believed to be faithful, has turned out to be a Little Miss Round-Heels. It's like getting hit by an Amtrak train while sitting in your living room, reading the newspaper. He needs time--time to breathe, sort his feelings, and to make a clear-headed decision. It would probably be best for all concerned for OP'S wife to stay elsewhere (not at his mother's house) for at least three months. Absolutely no contact, except for updates on their daughter.
Afterwards, get together in a neutral place and discuss the next step. By that time, most emotions should have dropped to a safe level, and cooler heads can prevail. If OP opts for marital counseling, both parties should be on board, and divorce should be off the table for at least six months. But if counseling is not an option, their daughter should be told as soon as possible, in a way that she can understand, without being graphic or bitterly blaming. Her parents not living together anymore will be painful enough on its own. But the time spent away from each other is an opportunity to be brutally honest with themselves. OP, deciding once and for all if his wife's indiscretion is a deal-breaker. His wife, if it was ,and is worth sacrificing her marriage for the single life. A time of reflection for all. Just my opinion, for what it's worth.
Load More Replies... I think the wife was covering her backside just in case anyone she knew saw her reliving her childhood. Because what she did was childish and a total breach of faith. I would not be able to trust her any further than I could see her after this.
She has done this before, without a doubt in my mind. She told husband because sister probably told her she was going to spill the beans. All the c**p about wrinkles, feeling old, etc., is just that, c**p. She was caught and she tried to wriggle out of it with the most ridiculous excuse she could think up.
I don't know. I would drop the girl only 'cause she seems f*****g stupid. It's not even about the coke (which he seems fine with, so I guess he sniffs too) or the cheating ('cause come on, she's been, allegedly, only with her husband for more than a decade and she didn't have "fun" in her twentie. We are all human, it can happen), but this all situation...is so stupid. She has a 1 yo at home. I guess this maternity thing is very influential on her "aging" trip. Again, it's not the cheating. She's just not mature enough to have a family and she'a probably not the smartest girl out there.
The cheating aside for a second: Why the fûck do people bother doing c**e and drinking? They cancel each other out. You can't do c**k and then brag about how much you're drinking. And you have to drink a dangerous amount to get drunk if you do c**e. Like - pick one. Back to point - this calls for a trial separation. She was feeling insecure over a few wrinkles when she was in a good and stable relationship. How insecure will she feel being separated, and having wrinkles? If she sleeps with someone within three months, there's your answer.
I don't know if there is a option for separation in the UK but it worked for me. Its not a sure winner as most in separation follow through with divorce. Its a trial for both parties to see how that would feel, work, look. People by nature struggle with "grass is greener" when they are feeling unfulfilled or unhappy. Separation can provide a glimpse at what life would be like in the "greener pastures". Some will realize it IS greener with others seeing the reality of the c**p they carried with them to the other side. My story has a happy ending, we both realized we needed to change ourselves and how we viewed and treated each other. I've let the past be the past and we are happier now than ever.
Lash/nail tech, enough said. I hope he leaves her. I can't imagine the hurt.
I'm so sorry to hear this brother. I can relate to how you must feel. If you can find it in your heart to forgive her you should, mostly for yourself. Should you seek counselling, definitely yes. Should she go to an A.A. meeting, again yes. I'll be praying for you. You are loved, remember that.
Yeah... just the girls doing coke and drinking all night, to the extent that hubby see it as normal behaviour.... what could possibly go wrong? As both are seen as great choices if you want to make good decisions.
Seems I'm going against the grain here, but if it were ME then I would give her another chance. But NOBODY would be an AH for ending it then and there. Everyone's boundaries are different and if the trust is gone, it's gone. But as I told my husband immediately after we were married, if you cheat and tell me then I will probably forgive you (once) but if you cheat and I find out in any other way, we are DONE. The fact she did it, and the *way* she did it is absolutely insane, but surely that much alcohol and cocaine were affecting her brain. She sobered up and clearly regretted it or else she wouldn't have fessed up. I *think* that with couple's counselling and a lot of work on her part, the marriage *could* be saved. Apparently a lot more people choose that route than you'd think. But again, I have absolutely no bad judgement for someone who decides that they just can't get past it, even if it were less egregious than this. There is no world in which he is the AH.
Whoa I wouldn't want to hear all the details of her all night fck fest if I were him. Kick her to the curb, start hitting the gym, get rid of the dad bod, and find a better woman
How so so sad. I really feel for him and his daughter, and even his poor mom.
Reddit is going to tell this guy to leave his wife. I think he shouldn’t do anything rash and wait until he calms down. They definitely need counseling even if it ends up that they divorce anyway because it will help them cooperate as co parents. She definitely needs individual therapy as well. As well, he shouldn’t be sure this was a first or only time. I’ve known people whose. Partner has cheated and they say it was a first and only time, then more is revealed and they were cheating the whole time. But he needs to slow everything down now.
Im with you. All of that slow it all down. Do forgive just yet, but find out and understand what you want at the end of the day, at the end of the month, at the end of 10 years. Also he gets a freebee good for one night any time.
Load More Replies... Chuck her. If she wants to be a young s**t again, let her go do that and tell your kid mummy doesn't want to be them anymore. That's her choice. How disgusting to throw away a whole commited life because she wants to see it she can still s**t . Let her carry on without her family anymore.
You’d be a damn fool to carry on with the marriage. GET OUT NOW! Too many things wrong here, I cannot even begin to list them. Oh, and your mum’s advice? (don’t get offended here) Her advice is clear evidence that age ≠ wisdom (not always).
So I'm saying this as an Aspie who doesn't do relationships and doesn't care about being sexually attractive nor worries about ageing so this might be a bit off (not my overall AH verdict though!!). I could see flirting and dancing with someone attractive to "see if I'd got it" if I was under the influence. Not a great move but in the grand scheme of things not awful, and it serves to prove a point. Kissing would be bad but not past the point of return. But anything past that is absolutely inexcusable. You've proved you've "got it" (I'm not going to go into how I feel about the ridiculousness of that...), anything else is just gratituous and for your ego. And you can't blame it on substances - if substances make you do that, it's your responsibility to control your intake so as not to blow up your marriage.
Reading your coment and thinking about it now. F**k this b***h. Who knows if she has still got it. Shes a woman and hes a 23-year-old guy. Doesn't mather what she looks like. If shes half way decent of course he f**k her.
Load More Replies... Frist off its messed up and you are right to be mad, and you are right to not want to forgive. However, you need to do what is best for your kid . So maybe that is staying with a cheater for 10 more years. When you become a parent you need to put your kids first. At least in this maybe you could get fun out of it. Higher hookers, cheat on her guilt-free, get her into some threesomes. Ten years of nothing but debauchery and distrust, and tell her all the time how you are happy and forgave her, then when the kid turns 18, drop her cheating a*s.
Some children of failed marriages will tell you that they knew their parents didn't love each other and it negatively impacted their adult relationships. Certainly if the parents get angry/shouty/etc there are studies that suggest it's usually much worse for the children to stay together. I'm not saying you should always break up or anything, just that staying together "for the children" doesn't always work and you need to think hard about your exact situation before deciding.
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