Therapist Explains The Important Difference Between Support And ‘Toxic Positivity’ In One Simple Chart
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When someone comes to you with bad news or a problem they are facing it’s a natural reflex for most of us to say something along the lines of “just be positive!” – well, one therapist is here to tell you, this advice is toxic. Nobody wants to be kicked when they are already down so naturally, we think that telling people uplifting mantras about positivity will give them the boost they need, but this is not always the case.
Psychotherapist Whitney Hawkins Goodman, LMFT, owner of The Collaborative Counseling Center, runs an Instagram account called @sitwithwhit where she shared an important chart on the difference between giving someone ‘validation and hope’ versus ‘toxic positivity’ and it’s making waves on the internet.
Psychotherapist Whitney Hawkins Goodman created a chart to educate people on the difference between validation and ‘toxic positivity’ – and it’s going viral
The therapist explained that she found the ‘toxic positivity’ sayings from Pinterest, which can be harmless mantras for some but for people going through a tough time they can have a deeper effect.
Image credits: sitwithwhit
Image credits: sitwithwhit
Image credits: sitwithwhit
Image credits: sitwithwhit
Image credits: sitwithwhit
Image credits: sitwithwhit
Image credits: sitwithwhit
Image credits: sitwithwhit
Along with the post Goodman wrote: “I’ve realized people HATE the word toxic. I hear ya’ll. Got a lot of comments on “never give up.” Decided to keep it. There are relationships, life goals, plans and situations that is OK to give up on. Not everything needs to result in completion. Sometimes it is safer to give up. We owe each other the space to discuss the options,” and asked her followers, “What are some other positive sayings that you think are totally dismissive?”
People loved the chart and thought it nailed this very important lesson
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The Toxic Positivity poster collection is at my gym. It's why I quit going. I can't just "be happy" or "get over it" with a snap of my fingers to suit the rest of society. Sometimes, permission to feel rotten is what you need to feel *better*. Weird, but true...
It's not weird, it's reasonable. It's just the same with physical problems - you don't just "get over" a broken arm or a really messy room, you have to deal with them first as the problems they are. It's like saying "ignore the pain and use that arm like normal" or "just clean up your room (but don't bring out any trash and also be really fast, i.w. sweep the mess under the rug)". It's just bound to make everything worse. Mental health needs some nurture, too.
If you quit going to the gym because of a poster then you probably didn't quit going to the gym over a poster. The gym is a positive place in general.
it says right next to the toxic positivity responses that it’s okay to not feel okay- you must have blocked that part.
Thank you so much for this. This reply, itself, is quite helpful + healing. Thank you + true! x
"Choose happiness" is my personal favorite. Oh, yeah right, why didn't I think of that?
I don't know why, but when I read your comment all I could think about was "I choose you - Happiness!" with Ashes voice from Pokémon. 🤔
If it’s a “choice” then who the hell would choose to feel bad?
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U really have to ask. Why always search problems in everything around you? Why not start with yourself?
This is a very important post, I wish more people were interested about these things. Turns out, the "toxic positivity" ones are harmful mostly because they don't really say anything, those terms are all ambiguous and relative. Not real solutions.
The other side of the chart isn't exactly offering solutions, either.
It recognizes that things are tough now, and starts a possible way to deal with sh#t. MUCH more humane.
Sometimes people are not asking for solutions..just to have someone validate and empathise instead of making them feel worse by saying stuff like just decide to be happy.,oh like it's as simple as that why didn't I just do that then and all will be ok you know what I mean..or some people can actually be so nasty and say stuff like oh just pull yourself together your bringing everyone down with you,..there are loads of people coping with worse then you..I had that said to me and it felt like I should not feel this bad coz so and so was going through cancer or whatever..just made me feel 10 times worse.
It acknowledges that person's current struggle (I know you're having a hard time) and their resilience (I've seen you overcome things before, and I believe in you now). The point isn't to fix their situation for them, it's to lend real support and provide clarity instead of empty platitudes.
Some of us are asking for solutions. What about those of us who are more logical oriented and solution oriented then feeling oriented. You empathize and validate me. Now what? I have still problems getting stuff done.
The Toxic Positivity poster collection is at my gym. It's why I quit going. I can't just "be happy" or "get over it" with a snap of my fingers to suit the rest of society. Sometimes, permission to feel rotten is what you need to feel *better*. Weird, but true...
It's not weird, it's reasonable. It's just the same with physical problems - you don't just "get over" a broken arm or a really messy room, you have to deal with them first as the problems they are. It's like saying "ignore the pain and use that arm like normal" or "just clean up your room (but don't bring out any trash and also be really fast, i.w. sweep the mess under the rug)". It's just bound to make everything worse. Mental health needs some nurture, too.
If you quit going to the gym because of a poster then you probably didn't quit going to the gym over a poster. The gym is a positive place in general.
it says right next to the toxic positivity responses that it’s okay to not feel okay- you must have blocked that part.
Thank you so much for this. This reply, itself, is quite helpful + healing. Thank you + true! x
"Choose happiness" is my personal favorite. Oh, yeah right, why didn't I think of that?
I don't know why, but when I read your comment all I could think about was "I choose you - Happiness!" with Ashes voice from Pokémon. 🤔
If it’s a “choice” then who the hell would choose to feel bad?
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
U really have to ask. Why always search problems in everything around you? Why not start with yourself?
This is a very important post, I wish more people were interested about these things. Turns out, the "toxic positivity" ones are harmful mostly because they don't really say anything, those terms are all ambiguous and relative. Not real solutions.
The other side of the chart isn't exactly offering solutions, either.
It recognizes that things are tough now, and starts a possible way to deal with sh#t. MUCH more humane.
Sometimes people are not asking for solutions..just to have someone validate and empathise instead of making them feel worse by saying stuff like just decide to be happy.,oh like it's as simple as that why didn't I just do that then and all will be ok you know what I mean..or some people can actually be so nasty and say stuff like oh just pull yourself together your bringing everyone down with you,..there are loads of people coping with worse then you..I had that said to me and it felt like I should not feel this bad coz so and so was going through cancer or whatever..just made me feel 10 times worse.
It acknowledges that person's current struggle (I know you're having a hard time) and their resilience (I've seen you overcome things before, and I believe in you now). The point isn't to fix their situation for them, it's to lend real support and provide clarity instead of empty platitudes.
Some of us are asking for solutions. What about those of us who are more logical oriented and solution oriented then feeling oriented. You empathize and validate me. Now what? I have still problems getting stuff done.