Educational Professional Shares Her Insights About Why Some Men Don’t Want To Pay Child Support And Many People On Twitter Believe It Makes Sense
Fortunately, those days when women couldn’t divorce their husbands are now over and they don’t even need to marry a person to live with them or have children with them. But it gets a little bit more complicated if you do have children, because previously the financial burden was halved, and in case of a separation, one of the parents has to pay child support.
The U.S. Census Bureau says that in 85 percent of cases, men pay child support and it is widely known that they are not always happy to do that even though the child is theirs. Twitter user Nsafoa’s Lost Key may have a theory why that is.
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A Twitter user shared her thoughts on why so many fathers don’t pay child support and she theorizes it is because they don’t feel in control anymore
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The Twitter user thinks that it has to do less with money and more with the psychology of a man who wants to be in control but now that the child is not living with them and they don’t have control over their family, they have less interest in providing for them.
Nsafoa’s Lost Key argues that after creating a new family, men gladly support them financially and thinks that this is proof that money is not the issue.
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She argues that men still pay for new families although they’re not their children
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What is more, the woman claims that men don’t want to file for custody either because the issue isn’t lack of money
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To counter the arguments that men don’t want to pay for children they are no longer living with and raising, the Twitter user gives an example of men getting flustered when asked why they don’t file for custody.
She theorizes that they don’t consider fighting for custody because they don’t need to be involved in the child’s life. The problem lies deeper in the desire to be the one in charge.
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People in the comments were discussing whether the theory has grounds and tried to draw parallels with their own experiences
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Many women in the comments agreed and gave examples from their own lives how their ex-husbands and ex-boyfriends acted as if paying them child support meant that the women owed them something.
And there are actual studies done on why men refuse to financially support children that they know are theirs and there is no conclusion as the reasons often are complex.
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There were a lot of people who agreed that the stereotype of the ‘manly man’ who needs to be in power is true and leads to them not taking responsibility
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Fathers not wanting to pay for their children may be attributed to the fact that they know they won’t see their children as often and they don’t want to invest into that relationship. Or maybe the problem is the courts not enforcing child support payments on men. Of course, men’s financial situation is also a factor, especially if they move on to another family and have to provide for basically two families.
Another reason that surfaced among the thread’s comments was that men are not willing to pay child support because they suspect that the money they give the mom doesn’t always go to help to raise the child and is used for the mothers themselves.
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An article published in The New York Times in 1983 says that a common response why men don’t want to pay child support is that when they get divorced, they “They create a new fantasy of themselves because of the fear of getting old. And the denial may extend to the children.” Basically, the children become a reminder that they are getting old and a sign of the end of a carefree life, but with a new family, they can forget that their children exist.
Another psychological reason that is discussed is that maybe it’s a response to childhood trauma when the men were abandoned by their own fathers.
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But there were also opinions that the theory is a reach and just an excuse to pile dirt on men
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Obviously there are fathers who gladly pay for their children and understand that they are as responsible for them as the mother who has the full custody.
The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ Office of Child Support Enforcement reported that in 2017, $33 billion was paid for more than 15 million children, or one in five. That means $10 billion is not collected, and maybe one of the reasons why could be the loss of control like Nsafoa’s Lost Key theorizes.
What do you think of this theory? Have you ever thought about this yourself or even experienced it? Leave your own theories in the comments!
I've never met a man who ditched his child support payments for any reason but these 1. He suffers addiction and the drugs got his money 2. He's jobless 3. he's punishing the ex for the split 4. he wants the money for himself b/c why should he pay for a kid he spawned but isn't raising 5. he just wants to walk away from the whole thing and forget the kid exists at all, b/c it's easier for him to find a new relationship/life that way. And all of these came from just my dad's brothers. And one cousin. So.... It varies person to person. And women can be horrible to kids, and skip child supoprt, too, if the father is the primary custodian. TLDR: People can suck.
I've heard another one: he doesn't realize how much raising a kid costs, so assumes the mom is using the money for herself
@Sergio, of course, I should've thought of that! I was raised to help Mom hide the checkbook from Dad. (Pre-ubiquitous credit-card usage days.) Had they divorced he'd have insisted it took $0 to raise children. Which was his contribution when he was working, so.... Yeah. Don't gott be divorced to be a deadbeat.
Idk, does a child cost 1000 USD/month? What if the mother doesn't even know or see the point in keeping track of the costs, because the money just flows on her bank account by itself?
@Hugo, yes. Per USDA figures, average cost of raising a child with education, health care, dental care, shelter, food, clothing, .... Averages to about $12K a year. Per child. So, yeah, it does cost that. You can get and spend less or more, but that's the average. You're welcome. (USDA keeps track of this stuff for some reason.)
My ex punished me by not paying child support. He didn't care how this affected his daughter as long as I suffered.
Same - my ex told me he would quit his job so he wouldn't have to pay alimony (kids were too old to ask for child support) and that he hoped I went bankrupt putting the kids through college. He earned twice my salary at the time of the divorce.
sorry to hear. That's awful.
Yes, yes, yes, and yes!
My birth-mother never paid a lick of the child support she was supposed to, to my Dad. So I know for a fact it's not just men that don't pay. I asked him once why he never took her to court over it and he said he just didn't want to have anything to do with her in the slightest so there was no point in pursuing it. To deal with the courts meant dealing with her and he was just not about that.
I'm sorry that happened to you. You're not alone. Saw a neighbor arrested for failure to pay ----- and, yes, it was the mother who was not paying.
I've known a few people who have done the same.
Absolutely. There may be a few out there who don't want to because they don't have 'control' (or for any other reason we can come up with) but most who don't pay don't pay because they want to keep the money for themselves and, where applicable, their new families.
I'm sorry but control goes both ways. Can't count how many times I have heard and read about women using their kids as p**n chips during seperation/divorce. Even to the point of lying about things such as abuse. Yes there are dead beat dads that don't pay or resist paying child support but I have heard many cases where some men withhold child support coz the mother is being spiteful and withholding the child. Another thing is that sometimes the child support is too much, especially when it comes to shared custody. I had a friend that had to pay 1/3 of his wage for child support but also had to pay extra whilst they were in his care. He adores his kids and spoils them rotten. The mother on the other hand takes advantage and always asks for extra money for something or rather, and he will just do it wether he can afford it or not.
It's true, there's a lot of men who do pay child support. This article seems to generalize men in general as deadbeat dad's.
However, people who don't pay child support because they can't see their kids isn't right. The pay child support for the kids care. If the mother is withholding the kids, that is wrong and should be handled outside of payment arrangements. IMHO.
But if one parent is withholding the kids--assuming they're doing so illegally--why should the other parent assume any money they pay is actually going to their child?
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You heard or you know for a fact?
It's pretty much common knowledge the amount of women (and men) who use their kids against their partners and I KNOW two men affected by it personally. One ended up committing suicide because of it. Men AND women can be manipulative assholes and controlling. Don't act like it doesn't, ever heard of parental alienation? New research suggests that 13.79% of fathers are alienating whilst 19.61% of mothers are the ones alienating. One common alienation strategy is withholding the children from the other parent. In no way am I saying women are worse or vice versa. They can both cause problems whether it's parental alienation and child custody arrangements to Child support etc. The children are the ones that suffer the most.
Very very true Foxxy. And thank you for adding the and men part, as that happens too, my kid has been subjected to most every type of stress from his father's attempts to control me through him via custody, finances, emotional manipulation etc and I hate it. I just want my kid to be happy not to be part of a sick game :( I've lined up mediation again and I hope, not foolishly but for my son, that this time the hatchet will be buried and life will be peaceful. And I know of situations in which this is happening too but genders reversed (mother manipulating father). Laws are way behind and 'child advocates ' are either overworked or underpaid because they never have enough time to really help
Upvoting Foxxy. Hubby's best friend's ex-wife spent two years using their kids as weapons against him. Also, I'll say this, b/c it needs saying: What expectations we have emotionally of mothers is different, so people like my late sister would call our mom alienating b/c she worked full-time and had a deadbeat hubby who worked half the year on average ------ but I call our mom a hero for doing that and still making time for us. Why the difference? No idea, but her expectations of our mom were XYZ and reality was over somewhere in the numerals of $123. That said, since perception is what it's all about, does it matter if it's about socialized expectations? No. Not to the kids.
That happened to my hubby too, his wife used their kids against him, even though he gladly paid support and also paid for many extras. We did all kinds of fun stuff with them on his weekends—skiing, sailing, kayaking, hiking—but she ended up turning them against him and we haven't seen them in years.
I agree with Foxxy too!
Long term married with no kids, so no dog in this race. I think the system is wrong. After splitting a relationship with children: then the child support should be paid by the state, and the parent responsible for paying child support should have to pay that money to the state. That would ensure more child support got paid (harder to default the state than your ex partner), and also remove the drama of money being a factor in the co parents lives. Then the co parents could have conversations about the children and how they choose to parent instead of having to ask where is my money. And d also then the parent with the responsibility for the child/children knows that the money will be there every month and can rely on it, make a budget.
I feel that creates a lot more burden on the government and tax payers to fund peoples choice to have kids (on top of the funds already given to/required by parents and children). There will be plenty of parents who default on the payment to the state/government and plenty more money spent on chasing it up, taking them to court, etc. Two people create a child and need to be responsible for the effects of their decisions. If they can’t resolve it, the state steps in - this is how it already works and I think it’s appropriate. I don’t think it’s the government’s problem from the get go to sort out decisions made by two adults.
The problem with that thinking is that when a noncustodial parent doesn't pay support the custodial parent often has to rely on government services like food stamps or housing assistance. Which means the government is involved anyway and now the custodial parent is facing the social stigma and social backlash of being on welfare.
The problem with viewing this as “people’s choices to have kids” is that it looks at the situation from the adults’ perspective. The kids didn’t ask to be born and should not be punished for their parents’ decisions. Maybe involving the state isn’t the right solution, but not for the reason that we need to “make adults responsible for the effects of their decisions,” because that kind of thinking often ends up with children feeling those effects.
Katchen, I'm confused by your comment. Parents are responsible for their children. 99% of the time, children are the result of one/both parent's choices (not to use birth control, and so on). Parents continue to be responsible for these choices whether they want to be or not: which is why child support is a thing and if a parent doesn't pay, the government steps in. Many parents who are separated have no issues with paying child support and don't need the state involved.
California did that. My mother filed for child support in the California while my father lived in Louisiana. This was after she kidnapped us when my father got custody of us in MS, there's a hint of how bad she was a southern red state took custody away from the mother. Anyways no one informed my father of a child support case in California. They proceeded without him so she added her younger 2 kids, who were not his, to the child support case so she'd get double the money. California paid the money out to my mother every month. When my father found out he appealed, he had primary of my sister and I, she kidnapped us. California didn't care. The two younger children aren't his so he shouldn't be paying for them, DNA test to prove it. California didn't care, he pays for all 4 children. My dad lived and worked in Louisiana, the cost of living is so much cheaper there, he can't afford California child support. California didn't care. 500,000 in backed child support. She moved us to South Carolina which doesn't have CS through the state, at least at the time, so he paid the SC child support with a check every month, unbeknownst to him California was still paying child support too because it was an automatic system that just paid out every month. Even after she lost custody of all her children again, California still paid her.
That's a sh**y situation, very unfair to your dad.
Some states already offer this service, especially for children who collect other state benefits such as CHIPs or food stamps. A small portion of each payment (like 5%) is collected by the state to pay for the service, and if the noncustodial parent falls far behind, the state sues (rather than the custodial). It's a well-functioning system.
Ditto on married-no-kids, and yet ---- leave the state out of it. Once a state is involved? Legislators are. In the US, that's like handing a knife to a serial killer and then saying, "But don't use it, be nice!".... Uh, no. There's enough trouble in divorce/child support, IMHO, without giving the state legislature a shot at the mess.
I've never met a man who ditched his child support payments for any reason but these 1. He suffers addiction and the drugs got his money 2. He's jobless 3. he's punishing the ex for the split 4. he wants the money for himself b/c why should he pay for a kid he spawned but isn't raising 5. he just wants to walk away from the whole thing and forget the kid exists at all, b/c it's easier for him to find a new relationship/life that way. And all of these came from just my dad's brothers. And one cousin. So.... It varies person to person. And women can be horrible to kids, and skip child supoprt, too, if the father is the primary custodian. TLDR: People can suck.
I've heard another one: he doesn't realize how much raising a kid costs, so assumes the mom is using the money for herself
@Sergio, of course, I should've thought of that! I was raised to help Mom hide the checkbook from Dad. (Pre-ubiquitous credit-card usage days.) Had they divorced he'd have insisted it took $0 to raise children. Which was his contribution when he was working, so.... Yeah. Don't gott be divorced to be a deadbeat.
Idk, does a child cost 1000 USD/month? What if the mother doesn't even know or see the point in keeping track of the costs, because the money just flows on her bank account by itself?
@Hugo, yes. Per USDA figures, average cost of raising a child with education, health care, dental care, shelter, food, clothing, .... Averages to about $12K a year. Per child. So, yeah, it does cost that. You can get and spend less or more, but that's the average. You're welcome. (USDA keeps track of this stuff for some reason.)
My ex punished me by not paying child support. He didn't care how this affected his daughter as long as I suffered.
Same - my ex told me he would quit his job so he wouldn't have to pay alimony (kids were too old to ask for child support) and that he hoped I went bankrupt putting the kids through college. He earned twice my salary at the time of the divorce.
sorry to hear. That's awful.
Yes, yes, yes, and yes!
My birth-mother never paid a lick of the child support she was supposed to, to my Dad. So I know for a fact it's not just men that don't pay. I asked him once why he never took her to court over it and he said he just didn't want to have anything to do with her in the slightest so there was no point in pursuing it. To deal with the courts meant dealing with her and he was just not about that.
I'm sorry that happened to you. You're not alone. Saw a neighbor arrested for failure to pay ----- and, yes, it was the mother who was not paying.
I've known a few people who have done the same.
Absolutely. There may be a few out there who don't want to because they don't have 'control' (or for any other reason we can come up with) but most who don't pay don't pay because they want to keep the money for themselves and, where applicable, their new families.
I'm sorry but control goes both ways. Can't count how many times I have heard and read about women using their kids as p**n chips during seperation/divorce. Even to the point of lying about things such as abuse. Yes there are dead beat dads that don't pay or resist paying child support but I have heard many cases where some men withhold child support coz the mother is being spiteful and withholding the child. Another thing is that sometimes the child support is too much, especially when it comes to shared custody. I had a friend that had to pay 1/3 of his wage for child support but also had to pay extra whilst they were in his care. He adores his kids and spoils them rotten. The mother on the other hand takes advantage and always asks for extra money for something or rather, and he will just do it wether he can afford it or not.
It's true, there's a lot of men who do pay child support. This article seems to generalize men in general as deadbeat dad's.
However, people who don't pay child support because they can't see their kids isn't right. The pay child support for the kids care. If the mother is withholding the kids, that is wrong and should be handled outside of payment arrangements. IMHO.
But if one parent is withholding the kids--assuming they're doing so illegally--why should the other parent assume any money they pay is actually going to their child?
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
You heard or you know for a fact?
It's pretty much common knowledge the amount of women (and men) who use their kids against their partners and I KNOW two men affected by it personally. One ended up committing suicide because of it. Men AND women can be manipulative assholes and controlling. Don't act like it doesn't, ever heard of parental alienation? New research suggests that 13.79% of fathers are alienating whilst 19.61% of mothers are the ones alienating. One common alienation strategy is withholding the children from the other parent. In no way am I saying women are worse or vice versa. They can both cause problems whether it's parental alienation and child custody arrangements to Child support etc. The children are the ones that suffer the most.
Very very true Foxxy. And thank you for adding the and men part, as that happens too, my kid has been subjected to most every type of stress from his father's attempts to control me through him via custody, finances, emotional manipulation etc and I hate it. I just want my kid to be happy not to be part of a sick game :( I've lined up mediation again and I hope, not foolishly but for my son, that this time the hatchet will be buried and life will be peaceful. And I know of situations in which this is happening too but genders reversed (mother manipulating father). Laws are way behind and 'child advocates ' are either overworked or underpaid because they never have enough time to really help
Upvoting Foxxy. Hubby's best friend's ex-wife spent two years using their kids as weapons against him. Also, I'll say this, b/c it needs saying: What expectations we have emotionally of mothers is different, so people like my late sister would call our mom alienating b/c she worked full-time and had a deadbeat hubby who worked half the year on average ------ but I call our mom a hero for doing that and still making time for us. Why the difference? No idea, but her expectations of our mom were XYZ and reality was over somewhere in the numerals of $123. That said, since perception is what it's all about, does it matter if it's about socialized expectations? No. Not to the kids.
That happened to my hubby too, his wife used their kids against him, even though he gladly paid support and also paid for many extras. We did all kinds of fun stuff with them on his weekends—skiing, sailing, kayaking, hiking—but she ended up turning them against him and we haven't seen them in years.
I agree with Foxxy too!
Long term married with no kids, so no dog in this race. I think the system is wrong. After splitting a relationship with children: then the child support should be paid by the state, and the parent responsible for paying child support should have to pay that money to the state. That would ensure more child support got paid (harder to default the state than your ex partner), and also remove the drama of money being a factor in the co parents lives. Then the co parents could have conversations about the children and how they choose to parent instead of having to ask where is my money. And d also then the parent with the responsibility for the child/children knows that the money will be there every month and can rely on it, make a budget.
I feel that creates a lot more burden on the government and tax payers to fund peoples choice to have kids (on top of the funds already given to/required by parents and children). There will be plenty of parents who default on the payment to the state/government and plenty more money spent on chasing it up, taking them to court, etc. Two people create a child and need to be responsible for the effects of their decisions. If they can’t resolve it, the state steps in - this is how it already works and I think it’s appropriate. I don’t think it’s the government’s problem from the get go to sort out decisions made by two adults.
The problem with that thinking is that when a noncustodial parent doesn't pay support the custodial parent often has to rely on government services like food stamps or housing assistance. Which means the government is involved anyway and now the custodial parent is facing the social stigma and social backlash of being on welfare.
The problem with viewing this as “people’s choices to have kids” is that it looks at the situation from the adults’ perspective. The kids didn’t ask to be born and should not be punished for their parents’ decisions. Maybe involving the state isn’t the right solution, but not for the reason that we need to “make adults responsible for the effects of their decisions,” because that kind of thinking often ends up with children feeling those effects.
Katchen, I'm confused by your comment. Parents are responsible for their children. 99% of the time, children are the result of one/both parent's choices (not to use birth control, and so on). Parents continue to be responsible for these choices whether they want to be or not: which is why child support is a thing and if a parent doesn't pay, the government steps in. Many parents who are separated have no issues with paying child support and don't need the state involved.
California did that. My mother filed for child support in the California while my father lived in Louisiana. This was after she kidnapped us when my father got custody of us in MS, there's a hint of how bad she was a southern red state took custody away from the mother. Anyways no one informed my father of a child support case in California. They proceeded without him so she added her younger 2 kids, who were not his, to the child support case so she'd get double the money. California paid the money out to my mother every month. When my father found out he appealed, he had primary of my sister and I, she kidnapped us. California didn't care. The two younger children aren't his so he shouldn't be paying for them, DNA test to prove it. California didn't care, he pays for all 4 children. My dad lived and worked in Louisiana, the cost of living is so much cheaper there, he can't afford California child support. California didn't care. 500,000 in backed child support. She moved us to South Carolina which doesn't have CS through the state, at least at the time, so he paid the SC child support with a check every month, unbeknownst to him California was still paying child support too because it was an automatic system that just paid out every month. Even after she lost custody of all her children again, California still paid her.
That's a sh**y situation, very unfair to your dad.
Some states already offer this service, especially for children who collect other state benefits such as CHIPs or food stamps. A small portion of each payment (like 5%) is collected by the state to pay for the service, and if the noncustodial parent falls far behind, the state sues (rather than the custodial). It's a well-functioning system.
Ditto on married-no-kids, and yet ---- leave the state out of it. Once a state is involved? Legislators are. In the US, that's like handing a knife to a serial killer and then saying, "But don't use it, be nice!".... Uh, no. There's enough trouble in divorce/child support, IMHO, without giving the state legislature a shot at the mess.