19 Y.O. Says No To Taking Care Of Mom Post Wrist Surgery, Asks If She’s A Jerk

This Redditor’s mom, for instance, wants her to care for her after her wrist surgery; we’re talking bathing, toileting, and all things in between. The issue is, though, the 19-year-old doesn’t feel comfortable doing that for her mother and has proposed she hire someone or get her husband to help – however, instead of reaching a happy medium, the woman got upset. 

This 19-year-old was tasked by her mother to take care of her post-surgery

She felt ‘uncomfortable’ being so up close and personal, so she proposed her mom hire someone or get her husband to do it

“AITA for not wanting to take care of my mother?” – this internet user took to one of Reddit’s most judgmental communities to ask its members if she’s indeed a jerk for refusing to take care of her mother after her wrist surgery. The post managed to garner 10K upvotes as well as 2.1K comments discussing the situation. 

“Family comes first,” “Blood is thicker than water,” and “Family is everything” – chances are, these sayings have been imprinted in your mind since early childhood, and while they do portray the immense importance of blood relations, they tend to carry a rather dehumanizing undertone when it comes to your own self as a person.

Yes, in some sense, family is everything!

You get unconditional love, a massive support system, a sense of belonging, lifelong relationships (in most cases), and overall emotional well-being; however, it’s vital to find an equilibrium that aligns with yourself too, and not do things you don’t want to just because the person is your flesh and blood.

Boundaries are crucial when it comes to such dynamics, as they foster healthy and balanced relationships that allow folks to communicate freely and, well, just know everyone’s limits. With that in mind, there’d be fewer conflicts and more respect and understanding that would lead to better problem-solving without the need to point fingers at each other!

Of course, surgeries, whether they’re minor or not, are incredibly taxing both emotionally and physically, so it’s only right to have your close ones by your side during the recovery.

Nevertheless, it’s still understandable that not many people – let alone those who have never had any experience in this field – are able to tackle caregiving, even if it’s your own parent, so if you can’t provide your loved one with the type of care they need, finding a happy medium by offering to hire someone and then being there for them emotionally is the best way to go.

But, we’re all human, and getting upset over something is not criminal, as long as you talk it out later!

However, the woman grew visibly upset as she expected her offspring to tend to her

To understand this rather delicate issue better, Bored Panda decided to reach out to a couple of professionals!

Our first expert is Emilia Yau, and to begin, we invited the woman to introduce herself to our readers: “I provide counseling and psychotherapy to clients in Tunbridge Wells, London Bridge and online. I love my job and hearing my clients’ stories. I work psychodynamically, which means we explore together how their unconscious internal world affects their external world.”

We then asked Emilia if the mom is wrong for expecting her daughter to care for her after the surgery: “I wouldn’t say her mom is wrong as such. Her own opinions and wishes are valid too. However, it doesn’t mean that her daughter has to then do this. Her mom may be saying this as she feels embarrassed and there could be a family or larger cultural, or gender expectation that is at play here. That also doesn’t mean though that the daughter should pick up the responsibility here, and she has stated her boundaries clearly. Too often the role of a carer can fall on women and daughters and this needs to be questioned.”

“The daughter’s emotions are completely valid, and she is listening to how she feels and then acting on that and protecting her boundaries, in spite of how uncomfortable this might feel, as she after all still cares for her mom from what I read,” the woman added when we pondered about the validity of the OP’s emotions.

Which prompted the woman to take it online in hopes of getting some unbiased opinions

Our second expert is Viki Dimopoulos, a BACP-registered counselor who helps people in their 20s and 30s who are struggling with anxiety and overthinking in their lives and relationships!

BP asked Viki if there’s a correct way of handling such a situation:

“There may not be one ‘correct’ way to handle this situation, but I think that if the mother and daughter want to prioritize healthy communication, they may need to:

a) Acknowledge each other’s feelings as valid. This means really listening to each other’s point of view with the goal of understanding why they feel this way. Maybe the mother feels worried or scared about the surgery and is hoping for reassurance that she won’t be alone afterwards. Maybe the daughter feels burdened by the idea that she ‘should’ carry this responsibility and is hoping for more flexibility or understanding.

b) Avoid shaming, blaming or criticizing each other. The mother is allowed to be upset, but blaming her daughter for not wanting to help in the exact way that she needs her to, is hurtful and unfair.

c) Collaborate on finding a solution. Once there is mutual understanding, the mother and daughter can work together to find a solution that they’re both comfortable with. Does the mother really need someone to wipe her bottom, or as she’ll have another functional arm, is she actually hoping for reassurance that the daughter will be there for her? One commenter mentioned a bidet – great idea! Are there other ways that the daughter could support her mother with her hygiene without doing the actual wiping?”

Now, with professional insights in hand, what is your take on this situation?

Fellow community members shared their thoughts and opinions on this situation