Huge Debate Explodes Over Swedes’ Refusal to Feed Their Children’s Guests, And Here’re 30 Foreigners’ Best Reactions
In the past days, Sweden has been the center of controversy with the hashtag #Swedengate all over Twitter. It all started from an innocent question “What is the weirdest thing you had to do at someone else’s house because of their culture/religion?” which the redditor u/sebastian25525 posed on Ask Reddit.
One particular response caught everyone’s attention. “I remember going to my Swedish friend's house,” one person wrote. “And while we were playing in his room, his mom yelled that dinner was ready. And check this. He told me to WAIT in his room while they ate,” the redditor shared. The post received 31.8k upvotes, spreading like wildfire all across social media.
Many people just couldn’t wrap their head around the fact that the Swedish don’t feed their children’s guests and were eager to find out whether it’s actually true. What followed was an infinite amount of shares, reactions, memes and experiences from Swedes themselves. So let’s see what they had to say below!
Image credits: SamQari
This post may include affiliate links.
In order to find out what Swedes themselves had to say about this cultural phenomenon, we spoke with a Swedish woman who goes by the Twitter handle @missfotografica. Having participated in the debate over Swedes not feeding their children’s kids in various Twitter threads, @missfotografica made a couple of clarifications.
First, she doesn’t think this is true today. “I remember when I was a kid in the 1980s and then it was true, at least where and when I grew up. I have no idea where that came from, but I never ate lunch or dinner at my friends'. Maybe, if some arrangement was made in advance among the parents, but that almost never happened,” she recounted. Meanwhile, @missfotografica added that her kids have always eaten at friends' houses and they have always offered lunch/dinner at theirs. “I wouldn’t dream of having someone wait in another room,” she said.
This happened to my dad and grandfather when they went to visit old family friends in Scotland during my grandfather's last international trip. Popped in to visit. The friend had maybe an hour's notice and it was only supposed to be a short visit. The friend then proceeded to bring out this enormous platter of sandwiches they made during the hour before my dad and grandfather showed up.
When asked whether Swedes ever discuss this, @missfotografica said that they never really talk about this nowadays. “It’s not a thing anymore and people today have a totally different view on this, in my opinion,” she said.
When it comes to all the chaos the news that Swedes don’t feed their children’s guests sparked on social media, @missfotografica commented: “I think most people in other countries got the idea that this is still a current thing. They didn’t get that this was 35-40 years ago.”
The woman also added that this is solely her experience: “I’m not speaking on behalf of all the people who grew up in Sweden in the ’80s, even if I have heard from several others who lived it too.” For all the critics and negative commenters out there, @missfotografica wants to say: “Just come to Sweden and have dinner with us! You are more than welcome! But to make it a bit more Swedish, please call first,” she laughed.
Married to a Greek wife, lmao over this! On our first visits to her relatives I was constantly shouted at. 90% of all cases was about me being expected to eat something/more.
Sweden is known as home to the happiest people on earth who enjoy their nature and hearty cuisine. The country is also renowned for its quality of life, leaving many countries behind in happiness, equality and social connection. This reputation may be to blame for people on social media taking the news that Swedes don’t feed their children's guests dinner as such a shock. On the other hand, this is likely one big misunderstanding that happens all too often on social media.
In response to the controversial topic, Swedish writer Linda Johansson wrote this viral opinion piece for the Independent titled “I’m Swedish – it’s true that we don’t serve food to guests. What’s the problem?” What many people on Twitter and Reddit were thinking of as a rumor or a rare quirk, according to her, was actually true.
I was a grown-a*s man about 28 and after a Sunday football match was driving past my mums on the way to the pub and needed the loo. Went in, followed by two cars full of blokes needing to go as well (we had already had a drink in the clubhouse). Are you boys hungry? says mum. Within five minutes there was enough sandwiches to feed an army. They were devoured as if a plague of locusts had blown through. "Hey PC your mums a Diamond" Yes I know! She passed a few years ago now but people still mention it to me.
Recounting her childhood, Johansson wrote: “As a child growing up in Gothenburg, I remember not really caring at all that I wasn’t being fed – I just continued playing and had a nice, quiet time while the other family had their dinner.” She added that the time when her friend was eating “was usually just a quick ‘pause’; probably because they didn’t want to mess up my family’s plans,” she wondered.
In many other cultures, this approach will not be met well, and many Twitter users shared that in the various trending threads about the topic. But Johansson did a great job of explaining the whys and buts about Swedes not feeding their kids’ guests.
“The Swedish thinking goes like this: the other child (or the other family) may have plans for another kind of dinner, and you wouldn’t want to ruin the routine or preparations.”The writer also said that she doesn’t think it is anything to do with not wanting to feed the other child or because it costs money. “It’s more to do with tradition and wanting to eat with your own family,” she wrote.
True, my parents are very close friends with a family that is rich (we met them before they made their fortune) and we always ate something at home whenever they invited us over for dinner. They are very nice otherwise though.
For those who wonder, the situation would be different if you were actually invited over as a proper “playdate”, Johansson explained, but that wasn’t usually the case. “We didn’t really have the same kind of formally arranged invitations. I think in many ways, Sweden is more of a free society than the UK.”
my friends family used to do this when i stayed over and they are not Swedish they would say if you stay here you shouldn't expect to get fed
Moreover, “Children are allowed to run around more freely there, so they would usually just knock on the door and ask if they can come in and play – and obviously, you don’t 'plan' how many children would be at your house in that instance. It would be a complete surprise. The parents wouldn’t be included, usually, they wouldn’t come over to your house or expect to be catered for,” she argues in the piece.
The offer or denial of a meal can be telling of social relations. #Swedengate shows how invites can be dependent on historical precedent, parental expectation or food wastage.
This is me currently ... 430am and have to be up in an hour and a half to get my kids ready for school! But I'm in complete shock this is a thing!
Meanwhile, Timothy Heffernan, a postdoctoral fellow and UNSW Sydney researcher, also shared an illuminating explanation about the controversial debate. According to him, it all comes down to cultural differences where various acts of social behavior are interpreted differently. He wrote in an article for Medium: “Localized norms have existed in all cultures across history. Denial isn’t necessarily an act of inhospitality – it just points to cultural norms, contested as they may be, as seen through the #Swedengate controversy.”
Moreover, according to Heffernan, “localized norms have existed in all cultures across history. Denial isn’t necessarily an act of inhospitality – it just points to cultural norms, contested as they may be, as seen through the #Swedengate controversy.”
hopefully sweden will be fully recovered quickly. flower's & snow - right?
no kidding - i thought everything was flowers and snow in sweden. {it's just culture though i think} still, ya' gotta' feed them little hungry folk.
Do kids bring sandwiches with them so they don't, y'know .... STARVE? Swedish sleepovers seem like they'd be the WORST!
As a Midwesterner in the US, this is baffling. We don't even ask if you're hungry. At the very least a plate of cheese, crackers, and sausage will be out for everyone to snack on at all times. If you're at our place at dinner time, we just automatically set you a place and usually stuff you so full you can't move afterwards. Then we give you leftovers to take home.
My Jewish mother’s soul is on fire! COME TO MY HOUSE, I WILL FEED YOU ALL! 💕
Is it the difference between a child visiting, and unexpected, and not one that is invited over? I'd find that easier to understand, just about. Would still find it impossible to not offer them something! I remember my parents making a meal stretch when there was a friend around at the same time as dinner - we were poor and it wasn't amazing but we all ate!
Right! I've only had this happen in two familys and both was a bit richer than average
So send the kids home. At my (midwestern.American)house the norm was kids stayed until about a half hour before dinner unless they were staying for dinner. Also if a concern is they have dinner at home that would go to waste the logic of letting them sit in your home alone for the meal while you eat is insane. This was the 1980s so we also roamed around with friends and went from house to house on our bikes
I'm German and my friend is Irish (living in Germany). She said one of the biggest differences is that when someone asks you if you (for example) fancy a slice of cake, Irish people will go "oh no, thanks, I couldn't" multiple times before accepting (because that's what's expected). Whereas a German will just go "oh yes, thank you". Can confirm 😄
as a black american southerner, i heartily co-sign this statement. black people will feed you whether you hungry or not. if you at the house, you eating - periodt.
That's pretty normal, not everyone can afford to feed their kid's friends. Sending them home, instead of having them sit in the other room while you eat, is the right thing to do.
Then you send the kid home or call the other parents and see if it iis ok to feed them. This approach is rude, cruel, and stupid.
Do Swedes cook every evening? Where I'm from it's normal to cook enough food for 2-3 days, cooking every day is such a chore. So you'd always have extra for unexpected guests, and if you don't you whip up something qucik, because hospitality.
I am Swedish, half Danish on my father's side but my mother's side is as Swedish as can be and I've lived my entire life in Sweden. And I really don't get what's going on here. Visiting children generally went home at dinnertime unless they stayed the night and then they of course got dinner and breakfast. But as long as their parents were okay with it they could stay for dinner (or lunch during school holidays).
Same in Finland, but the thing is that all families don't have their dinner at the same time, so sometimes you'd happen to be at a friend's place at their dinnertime, which is before or after your own dinnertime.
Load More Replies...
I can understand not wanting to feed someone else's kid without their parents' permission - but it's mind-boggling that a century after the invention of the telephone this hasn't had an impact - like that they would typically call and ask the parent for permission.
I can see how it would be difficult to understand this mindset from a different cultural perspective. Try thinking of food as clothes. If another parent called you and asked if it's OK to buy your kid this jacket that he/she likes, you'd feel compelled to say "yes", but you would probably feel weird and undermined about it. So, it's better to not even offer. Having said that, it's not a perfect analogy and it's not too uncommon to call and ask for permission to feed a kid.
Load More Replies...
So, demonazing other people's culture is OK now? As some pointed out above, this is about not being rude to the visiting kids' parents. The default is that you spend dinner times eating with your family. I know my mom would have been a little taken aback had I told her that I'm not eating the food she prepared, because I already ate at my friend's place. Sleepovers are a different thing of course, and the bit in the op about not getting breakfast is a weird anomaly.
But all the ones where kids were staying the night or going to be playing until late and STILL did not even receive a snack dont make sense
Load More Replies...
My Dutch mother will feed anyone and anything that comes in her vicinity. The proof is my bulk, and you should see her cats, the garden hedgehogs, even the sparrows can barely fly anymore.
My Dutch mother let me send the kids home when it was dinner time. And when I was playing at another friends house they also either let me wait or send me home. It is not typical Dutch to be feeders imo. When I had a friend from Curacao their parents would always feed me. They ate on the most weird times and when I had to go home for lunch, and when I got back to play again, they again fed me!
Load More Replies...
OK. In 2015, Sweden received 163,000 asylum seekers and spent €6 billion (1.35% of GDP) on its migrants that year. Sweden have had among the most generous asylum laws within the European Union. They let the immigrants stay, give them free health care, education, pay for their rent. They hire translators when needed, free ptsd therapy etc. 😡 Don't you ever accuse the Swedish people of being greedy, not showing hospitality or being unfriendly! Just let them eat their d*** dinner with their family! 😅
Public policies have nothing to do with hospitality. Unsurprisingly they're one of the lowest density population on earth
Load More Replies...
I thought this was fiercely interesting! And in some ways would have solved a lot of my "what the hell do I do here?" during some of my more socially awkward parenting years. But then here's the thing...My mom always made us bring something over to friends houses foodie snackie drinkie to share no matter where we went or for how long. I thought that was super freaking weird and YET to this day I still can't. not. do it. 🤓
Brit here, and kids have lots of Brit/West African friends. They always bring snacks over, it's a politeness thing - kind of 'thank you for having my child over, I know feeding them is expensive so let me share the load'.
Load More Replies...
Here's the thing...I'm in Connecticut. I recall going to diff family's houses an leaving at dinner time from playing and not being fed there. No water no snacks no lunch. But I'm sure they were as I'd wait outside for 10-15 min an then they would come back. Now as I recall the 2-3 diff houses this happened at, none were Swede. Maybe the family's didn't want to feed me because times were tight. Maybe they didn't think to offer. Maybe they were snubbing my poor family thinking I was sent to be fed an have fun with that. I don't think so. None were Swede. Was prob just I should have gone home and ate and came back. Like dinner time unless a parent asked if you wanted to eat you then had to call your mom if you wanted to stay. Otherwise you just said no thank you an went home. Of course asking what they have and calling mom to compare whose meal is better was a tough one to pull off.
Thats ridiculous that they didn't give you water though...
Load More Replies...
I don't know know if this kind of thing is a norm for Sweden, but I'd be willing to bet it isn't. Growing up, I have had this happen to me occasionally by a friends parents who, at other times, would feed me. It never bothered me and both myself and my friend were all Americans. So my guess is that rather this example being an event that shows how Swedish culture, it is, instead, an example of how the internet takes something that is one sided and tries to define a whole country by it. No context, no unbiased evidence. Just a bunch of personal stories told from one party's point of view.
This happened to me at a sleepover when I was about 12. The mom called everyone to dinner and says I couldn't eat with them. I was to wait in the other room. Didn't offer to make he anything. I just collected my things and left without telling them. Then when my friend's mom called our house, she had the nerve to be upset with me. My mother told her how awful she thought it was to purposefully exclude me, esp since we always make sure my friend had snacks and ate dinner with us when she slept over. I wasn't invited over ever again after that, and it killed the friendship. That was in 1984 or so, and it still stings a bit all these years later.
This family was weird and it is not a swedish custom to let overnight guests starve. The "sit in other room" thing applied when the kids were neighbors and everyone ate at their own homes, so that everyone could plan their meals, and so that people with less income should not be obligated to feed other children. Sometimes a lot of kids played at in the same house, and a lot of people where not that wealthy in the seventies.
Load More Replies... As an Italian, I don't even need to say that this is mind-boggling for me. We always have "something good" for guests that the family is not allowed to eat/drink. I think we suffer from the "Molly Weasley" disease: for our family it's a "Why yes, it's plain pasta again. Shut up and eat" and for the guests it's "I'll offer them every delicacy known to Earth, at the same time apologizing for the simple dinner I've put together".
If the child was fed at their friends house, that would both make the child’s parents indebted to the giving family, as well as robbing them from family-time at their own dinner. It can’t be that hard to understand?
Load More Replies...
I'm swedish and I am so ashamed of this. To be fair though it's "not everyone" and weirdly it seems to be much about social class. The lower income friends/families usually invited you in (and my mom always did with my friends even if she was a single mom with relatively low income) but the middle class households did not (even if they had one or two kids compared to lower income families with more children). I guess if you don't have that much yourself you are more willing to share with others "in need" (hungry people). I always invite my kids friends to eat with us and if a friend of my kids say they are hungry I always make something. I hate that "wait in their room"-culture. Especially with breakfast after a sleepover, I mean... come on!
never in any country I have ever visited, or stayed at, or in any of the many cultures in my country (over 15-16), have I gone into someone's house, either as an adult, or a child, and not been offered food, drinks, and sometimes even a jacket if it is cold. South Africa. We have here, dutch descendants, british descendants, pakistanis, somalis, zimbabweans, portuguese, greeks, italians, some slavs (serbs, russians, ukranians), a few germans, and then all the local nations: xhosa, !xam, khoe, zulu, swati, sotho, ndebele, venda, shangaan, tswana, pedi etc. In none of those would you go hungry. It's outrageous.
Load More Replies...
I remember so many times when a friend of mine or my brother's would come over (unannounced), and then my mom would invite them to stay for a meal, as long as the other kid's parents were ok with it. The meal would then be a f*****g FEAST because my mom doesn't know how to cook in small portions. There would be more food if it was a planned thing, or a holiday. It's a rule at my house that no one leaves hungry. My mom told me it is because she grew up poor and went to bed hungry nearly every night, and she doesn't want that for other people. So if you come to my house, GOD DAMMIT YOU WILL BE FED!
My husband is Moroccan and in Morocco they will treat guests like royalty. My first visit they greeted me at the door with dates and milk, for any meal they would load up my plate and keep loading it before it could get empty. I don’t know much Arabic, but I took the time to learn “that’s enough” just to avoid the overloading of my plate lol
Experienced this once In the UK, and was expected to help with the dishes afterwards.
Polish here - I can see opinions that Poland is on "force-feed" side of this story, however I can remember from my childhood that it was completely normal to visit friend and wait until he/she'll eat dinner with family and come back. Why would I eat dinner at someone's if I have my own at home? Possibly in eastern Poland it looks more 'hospitable' but in former German part where I am from it is completely normal and I am very amused someone might be upset about it. I don't mean sleepover - this is obvious I was not starved, but if I just came for few hours I received a sandwich at maximum, and when I was hungry I was just going home for my dinner. Also: working class kid here, almost all my friends were from working class too.
I have a swedish partner and I asked him if this was true, he said he had memories of this type of thing from childhood. Swedes can be very 50/50 about things. This is MY food, this is YOUR food
I’m swedish, and I’ve never even heard of it. Seriously; it’s not a thing, unless there’s some weird “don’t feed kids” cult somewhere that I’ve missed. Maybe it’s a local thing in certain places or something…?
Load More Replies...
I didn't know that was normal in Sweden. My ex is half Indonesian, but always lived in Holland and he said that Dutch parents from his friends would just let him sit there, while they ate and for him it was even more crazy, because if you visit them whenever, you get food. I have never seen that, but what is normal, is that you only come eat when you first make that appointment and it's rare. Normally kids go home from a play date before dinner time. I've let kids eat at our place, just like: oh sure, stay longer, eat along and the parents would want to offer me 10 bucks for it lol and were pleasantly surprised that it was okay.
We were raised to go home at dinner time unless you were asked to stay providing your parents said it was ok. It was otherwise rude to stay while they had dinner.
Load More Replies... I am Swedish and this was not an upperclass thing. It happened to me in normal working class homes . The deal was that the kids in general had dinner at their own home, and sometimes there was a gap beteeen dinner times. But if you had a sleep over of course you got food!!! At my best friends I always got food. I think this has changed now though, my daughter always eats at her friends, and of course we always invite her friends to eat with us. To not be invited to eat is a thing from our childhood that we who experienced it think is really weird. But some Swedish people I have asked have never experienced this at all.
So here's my theory based on tge information here: rich people in sweden knoe that there are special diets or banned food children can be on, and don't want to risk offending their parents by going against it. Lower classes understand how hard it can be to get food, and will therefore assume that children will not be picky. The other cultures who spoke up in the post side with the lower class, because perhaps these specific individuals may be in the lower class/ surrounded by lower class, or perhaps food is just that much more important to their culture. I'm thinking that food is not as important to swedish culture, mostly because I've never heard of a Swedish restaurant
Food is important to all cultures! But you have a point - Sweden is a rich country so food is not a big thing, we have a lot of it and assume other families have it too. "It's just dinner, go home and eat because your mommy has already prepared dinner for you". School lunch is free so the kid won't starve when waiting half an hour 😀
Load More Replies...
I'm from Finland, Sweden's neighbor country, and yes, we didn't feed our own children's friends dinner. That was because kids usually left before dinner to eat at their own homes, and it would burden the parents to prepare extra just for the possibility that the friends would stay longer. Also, what would you think if you'd prepare a dinner for your family, and then your kid would be late and would never eat what you made because they already ate at some random friend's house?
The problem I have isn't the fact that kids are sent home before dinner etc, but some people on here are saying that the guest stays in another room whilst the family eats. That is extremely rude to me. Either send the child home, feed them or wait until the child leaves before eating. It's not that hard. How uncomfortable to just sit and wait whilst your friend is eating in another room, even worse sitting at the table and watching everyone eat.
Load More Replies...
This is crazy. Growing up in Southern California I had friends of a lot of backgrounds and ethnicities, though no Swedish, and I cannot imagine not leaving their homes without being more than full. It was insulting to turn down seconds. I now feed the everyone near our home. My adult kids were here yesterday and their friends stopped by and my husband said, "Get your asses in here and eat."
In Australia that would be extremely rude. You don't eat around other people unless they refuse or show up when your already eating. Of course eating around strangers is different.
In NZ, if you were over at a friends house near dinner time you would be asked if you would like to stay and would then call your parents to confirm that was okay. It was considered rude to remain at your friends house at dinner time unless you were invited.
Indian here. This is unfathomable. Come to my house and I will feed all of ya! If someone takes offence to being offered too much food, so be it.
It's not about hospitality, it's about respecting the parents of the kid who's over to play. In my experience it's common to be asked by your friends parents to call home and ask if you can eat with the family your visiting. They don't wanna interfere with your family's dinner plans. I guess it's also common that parents of 2 friends decide on yes /no to eating dinner when kids are over.
Every time I had a friend over, my mum would come to the room every 10 minutes offering food and drinks. The more it was declined, the harder she tried, even whipped up a cake or something until she found something the friend would not resist. And every time anybody slept over, the table in the morning looked like a breakfast buffet in a 5* hotel. Gods rest her soul. Have some big shoes to fill and can't wait to forcefeed every friend of my kids that crosses our threshold 😁
If the kid was only there to play I always s sent them home at dinner time. But yes spending the night I fed them
As a parent, I could NEVER do this! But as a kid, it would have been GREAT! I was the only vegetarian for miles and a picky-eater. I dreaded going to people's houses in case I had to eat with them, it was such a stressor. I would loved to have been able to just not eat.
I have NEVER done anything like that. I simply can’t. I grew up and watched my mom feed everyone at meal time. I can’t count how many times I fed extra people. Expected or otherwise. It may seem the “norm” for some locations, but it’s not hard to make a call for permission. I can’t NOT feed someone. Ive no idea how many children (now adults) I’ve fed. And later realized I gave them their only meal - I am a serial feeder - and am not ashamed.
seems like a class issue more than anything, from what I've learned and experienced (working class Aussie) it can happen it most cultures that prioritize financial status...capitalism is gonna capitalism ergo the internet is gonna internet...love u all fellow pandas...
I'm from Czechia, and not offering food to your guest would be extremely rude. It's not like you have to cook a 10-course lunch, but it's polite to offer at least some small snack and drink.
My Uncle was a high level exec at Ericsson and lived in Sweden for decades, but I've never heard of this phenomenon before. I've been to Stockholm several times and love it, but I suppose I never really knew any Swedish kids who would have experienced it.
if we were at a friends place (no such thing as 'playdates' in those days, you would just go over and see if they could play), and it was meal time, the usual thing would be that the child would be told it was time to go home for supper/lunch, etc., and maybe that they could come back later. I think its just plain rude to not feed someone when everyone else is eating...you could always phone the parents and ask if its ok if they stayed over to eat, as well
I would take like a candy store with me and be like noooo can't feed you while I'm visiting you.
There this thing called a telephone. So call the parents and ask if you can feed their child. If it's dinner time, send them home. Who doesn't feed kids?
Being one who was always made to eat what I was given whether I wanted to eat it or not. I do ask first and leave it as an open invitation. I try not to force people. When I am a host my anxiety can make me seem forceful when actually I am being repetitive.
I knew someone who was the opposite. They were forbidden by their mother to eat anything outside their own home. After years of no thank yous his demise was a slice of chocolate cheesecake. It was his teenage rebellious phase, I guess.
We went to my sister in laws gathering for her daughters birthday party. Her brother in law was jn no rush to take me and when I got there I saw why. You would expect loads of food especially chips and soft drinks. There was absolutely nothing. A stodgy chocolate cake that you couldn't hold down, not enough drinks, not even water in a bottle. There were no other children and the 2 tables of relatives did not speak to eachother. This woman invited us over to show off her garden, her kids and her house. It's what I call a "small town snob" out of privacy I won't mention the nationality or other details. We were there for HOURS. The first time I met them I treated them to tea and a snack. Next time don't invite me!
A little anecdote about my interactions with a Swedish exchange student to my California high school in the late 1980s. Invited her to my house after school and told her to make herself at home (which is pretty much just a polite figure of speech in the USA) and she went into my fridge and pantry to get herself food and drink before I could offer her something and get it for her. Mentioned this to my best friend and she replied she had the same person over her house previously, said "make yourself at home" and she went to the bathroom to take a shower. We just figured Swedes were very literal
I know I'm late to this, but there were many times we (as a friends group) played in friends' rooms while they were eating. It was just considered a blip in the middle of playtime, not a hospitality issue. When it was time for your family to eat, you went home and the rest of the kids either had gone and come back or would go home in a bit. (This was the U.S. northeast, mostly in upstate New York). Snacks and drinks, though, they were shared freely. I don't know, maybe it's because as friends we spent every day together, and no one's family was expected to feed other kids that often.
I'm Canadian, my father is Italian (mother is Canadian), and the thought of not at least offering food to people is baffling to me. My parents even offered service-people (the few we had to hire since we didn't have family that could do the job) full meals with wine/beer. I also have to remind my dad that it's ok to offer a few times, but if they keep saying no, to not insist...we grew up in an Ital-Canadian area, so food was always offered to kids that were over (whether they were there for just 15mins or a sleepover), and I was never made to wait while my friends ate at their homes. Parents here would be horrified if they heard their child hadn't eaten while the friend's family did.
Dude, if literally the rest of the world is telling you that's awful hospitality, it's time to reflect. But some Swedes keep making flimsy excuses or simply saying they don't care because it's their way. Oh well
I bet it is going to be a difficult transition to Sweden join NATO: "I take care of myself but no care about others...) =)
And by the way;. Did you know that Sweden was still measuring kids heads, comparing hair color and eye color against a chart to establish racial purity? In the 1950s!!!
If I sent my kid to play at a time where dinner would come, I would have him call me if they didn't feed him and if that was the case, I would send an Uber Eats or whatever those frozen are holes have there and have the driver deliver my kid his favorite pizza, ice cream sundae, snacks and candy, and tell him to SHARE.
Wha..? I’m swedish, this has never, ever happened to me. I’m sure there are weirdos here same as anywhere who might do this, but it’s absolutely not a thing. I’ve never even heard of it happening to someone else, It’d be incredibly rude. I’m at a bit of a loss here, honestly - we feed guests, no matter if it’s planned or unplanned, guests of the parents or the kids. We’ve got so many other weird and bad habits to turn into memes, why pick one that’s made up…? I mean; we’re guilty of IKEA for gods sake. We prefer not to talk to strangers, we have a language that sounds like something from the muppet show and we have raw, pickled herring as a national dish - nobody has to make things up to heckle us.
I'm guessing you're young. In the 90s this was still very much a thing in Finland, and judging by several posts, also in Sweden.
Load More Replies... Oh please 🙄 every single school day there'd be a hord of kids having fika at each others houses. My family dinner were usually all the family kids +3-4 more that just liked my mother's cooking better than their own moms. I had 1 friend that did this and to be honest I loafed around there every single day and also they were a family of a*s people
I am Swedish, half Danish on my father's side but my mother's side is as Swedish as can be and I've lived my entire life in Sweden. And I really don't get what's going on here. Visiting children generally went home at dinnertime unless they stayed the night and then they of course got dinner and breakfast. But as long as their parents were okay with it they could stay for dinner (or lunch during school holidays).
Same in Finland, but the thing is that all families don't have their dinner at the same time, so sometimes you'd happen to be at a friend's place at their dinnertime, which is before or after your own dinnertime.
Load More Replies... I can understand not wanting to feed someone else's kid without their parents' permission - but it's mind-boggling that a century after the invention of the telephone this hasn't had an impact - like that they would typically call and ask the parent for permission.
I can see how it would be difficult to understand this mindset from a different cultural perspective. Try thinking of food as clothes. If another parent called you and asked if it's OK to buy your kid this jacket that he/she likes, you'd feel compelled to say "yes", but you would probably feel weird and undermined about it. So, it's better to not even offer. Having said that, it's not a perfect analogy and it's not too uncommon to call and ask for permission to feed a kid.
Load More Replies... So, demonazing other people's culture is OK now? As some pointed out above, this is about not being rude to the visiting kids' parents. The default is that you spend dinner times eating with your family. I know my mom would have been a little taken aback had I told her that I'm not eating the food she prepared, because I already ate at my friend's place. Sleepovers are a different thing of course, and the bit in the op about not getting breakfast is a weird anomaly.
But all the ones where kids were staying the night or going to be playing until late and STILL did not even receive a snack dont make sense
Load More Replies... My Dutch mother will feed anyone and anything that comes in her vicinity. The proof is my bulk, and you should see her cats, the garden hedgehogs, even the sparrows can barely fly anymore.
My Dutch mother let me send the kids home when it was dinner time. And when I was playing at another friends house they also either let me wait or send me home. It is not typical Dutch to be feeders imo. When I had a friend from Curacao their parents would always feed me. They ate on the most weird times and when I had to go home for lunch, and when I got back to play again, they again fed me!
Load More Replies... OK. In 2015, Sweden received 163,000 asylum seekers and spent €6 billion (1.35% of GDP) on its migrants that year. Sweden have had among the most generous asylum laws within the European Union. They let the immigrants stay, give them free health care, education, pay for their rent. They hire translators when needed, free ptsd therapy etc. 😡 Don't you ever accuse the Swedish people of being greedy, not showing hospitality or being unfriendly! Just let them eat their d*** dinner with their family! 😅
Public policies have nothing to do with hospitality. Unsurprisingly they're one of the lowest density population on earth
Load More Replies... I thought this was fiercely interesting! And in some ways would have solved a lot of my "what the hell do I do here?" during some of my more socially awkward parenting years. But then here's the thing...My mom always made us bring something over to friends houses foodie snackie drinkie to share no matter where we went or for how long. I thought that was super freaking weird and YET to this day I still can't. not. do it. 🤓
Brit here, and kids have lots of Brit/West African friends. They always bring snacks over, it's a politeness thing - kind of 'thank you for having my child over, I know feeding them is expensive so let me share the load'.
Load More Replies... Here's the thing...I'm in Connecticut. I recall going to diff family's houses an leaving at dinner time from playing and not being fed there. No water no snacks no lunch. But I'm sure they were as I'd wait outside for 10-15 min an then they would come back. Now as I recall the 2-3 diff houses this happened at, none were Swede. Maybe the family's didn't want to feed me because times were tight. Maybe they didn't think to offer. Maybe they were snubbing my poor family thinking I was sent to be fed an have fun with that. I don't think so. None were Swede. Was prob just I should have gone home and ate and came back. Like dinner time unless a parent asked if you wanted to eat you then had to call your mom if you wanted to stay. Otherwise you just said no thank you an went home. Of course asking what they have and calling mom to compare whose meal is better was a tough one to pull off.
Thats ridiculous that they didn't give you water though...
Load More Replies... I don't know know if this kind of thing is a norm for Sweden, but I'd be willing to bet it isn't. Growing up, I have had this happen to me occasionally by a friends parents who, at other times, would feed me. It never bothered me and both myself and my friend were all Americans. So my guess is that rather this example being an event that shows how Swedish culture, it is, instead, an example of how the internet takes something that is one sided and tries to define a whole country by it. No context, no unbiased evidence. Just a bunch of personal stories told from one party's point of view.
This happened to me at a sleepover when I was about 12. The mom called everyone to dinner and says I couldn't eat with them. I was to wait in the other room. Didn't offer to make he anything. I just collected my things and left without telling them. Then when my friend's mom called our house, she had the nerve to be upset with me. My mother told her how awful she thought it was to purposefully exclude me, esp since we always make sure my friend had snacks and ate dinner with us when she slept over. I wasn't invited over ever again after that, and it killed the friendship. That was in 1984 or so, and it still stings a bit all these years later.
This family was weird and it is not a swedish custom to let overnight guests starve. The "sit in other room" thing applied when the kids were neighbors and everyone ate at their own homes, so that everyone could plan their meals, and so that people with less income should not be obligated to feed other children. Sometimes a lot of kids played at in the same house, and a lot of people where not that wealthy in the seventies.
Load More Replies... As an Italian, I don't even need to say that this is mind-boggling for me. We always have "something good" for guests that the family is not allowed to eat/drink. I think we suffer from the "Molly Weasley" disease: for our family it's a "Why yes, it's plain pasta again. Shut up and eat" and for the guests it's "I'll offer them every delicacy known to Earth, at the same time apologizing for the simple dinner I've put together".
If the child was fed at their friends house, that would both make the child’s parents indebted to the giving family, as well as robbing them from family-time at their own dinner. It can’t be that hard to understand?
Load More Replies... I'm swedish and I am so ashamed of this. To be fair though it's "not everyone" and weirdly it seems to be much about social class. The lower income friends/families usually invited you in (and my mom always did with my friends even if she was a single mom with relatively low income) but the middle class households did not (even if they had one or two kids compared to lower income families with more children). I guess if you don't have that much yourself you are more willing to share with others "in need" (hungry people). I always invite my kids friends to eat with us and if a friend of my kids say they are hungry I always make something. I hate that "wait in their room"-culture. Especially with breakfast after a sleepover, I mean... come on!
never in any country I have ever visited, or stayed at, or in any of the many cultures in my country (over 15-16), have I gone into someone's house, either as an adult, or a child, and not been offered food, drinks, and sometimes even a jacket if it is cold. South Africa. We have here, dutch descendants, british descendants, pakistanis, somalis, zimbabweans, portuguese, greeks, italians, some slavs (serbs, russians, ukranians), a few germans, and then all the local nations: xhosa, !xam, khoe, zulu, swati, sotho, ndebele, venda, shangaan, tswana, pedi etc. In none of those would you go hungry. It's outrageous.
Load More Replies... I remember so many times when a friend of mine or my brother's would come over (unannounced), and then my mom would invite them to stay for a meal, as long as the other kid's parents were ok with it. The meal would then be a f*****g FEAST because my mom doesn't know how to cook in small portions. There would be more food if it was a planned thing, or a holiday. It's a rule at my house that no one leaves hungry. My mom told me it is because she grew up poor and went to bed hungry nearly every night, and she doesn't want that for other people. So if you come to my house, GOD DAMMIT YOU WILL BE FED!
My husband is Moroccan and in Morocco they will treat guests like royalty. My first visit they greeted me at the door with dates and milk, for any meal they would load up my plate and keep loading it before it could get empty. I don’t know much Arabic, but I took the time to learn “that’s enough” just to avoid the overloading of my plate lol
Experienced this once In the UK, and was expected to help with the dishes afterwards.
Polish here - I can see opinions that Poland is on "force-feed" side of this story, however I can remember from my childhood that it was completely normal to visit friend and wait until he/she'll eat dinner with family and come back. Why would I eat dinner at someone's if I have my own at home? Possibly in eastern Poland it looks more 'hospitable' but in former German part where I am from it is completely normal and I am very amused someone might be upset about it. I don't mean sleepover - this is obvious I was not starved, but if I just came for few hours I received a sandwich at maximum, and when I was hungry I was just going home for my dinner. Also: working class kid here, almost all my friends were from working class too.
I have a swedish partner and I asked him if this was true, he said he had memories of this type of thing from childhood. Swedes can be very 50/50 about things. This is MY food, this is YOUR food
I’m swedish, and I’ve never even heard of it. Seriously; it’s not a thing, unless there’s some weird “don’t feed kids” cult somewhere that I’ve missed. Maybe it’s a local thing in certain places or something…?
Load More Replies... I didn't know that was normal in Sweden. My ex is half Indonesian, but always lived in Holland and he said that Dutch parents from his friends would just let him sit there, while they ate and for him it was even more crazy, because if you visit them whenever, you get food. I have never seen that, but what is normal, is that you only come eat when you first make that appointment and it's rare. Normally kids go home from a play date before dinner time. I've let kids eat at our place, just like: oh sure, stay longer, eat along and the parents would want to offer me 10 bucks for it lol and were pleasantly surprised that it was okay.
We were raised to go home at dinner time unless you were asked to stay providing your parents said it was ok. It was otherwise rude to stay while they had dinner.
Load More Replies... I am Swedish and this was not an upperclass thing. It happened to me in normal working class homes . The deal was that the kids in general had dinner at their own home, and sometimes there was a gap beteeen dinner times. But if you had a sleep over of course you got food!!! At my best friends I always got food. I think this has changed now though, my daughter always eats at her friends, and of course we always invite her friends to eat with us. To not be invited to eat is a thing from our childhood that we who experienced it think is really weird. But some Swedish people I have asked have never experienced this at all.
So here's my theory based on tge information here: rich people in sweden knoe that there are special diets or banned food children can be on, and don't want to risk offending their parents by going against it. Lower classes understand how hard it can be to get food, and will therefore assume that children will not be picky. The other cultures who spoke up in the post side with the lower class, because perhaps these specific individuals may be in the lower class/ surrounded by lower class, or perhaps food is just that much more important to their culture. I'm thinking that food is not as important to swedish culture, mostly because I've never heard of a Swedish restaurant
Food is important to all cultures! But you have a point - Sweden is a rich country so food is not a big thing, we have a lot of it and assume other families have it too. "It's just dinner, go home and eat because your mommy has already prepared dinner for you". School lunch is free so the kid won't starve when waiting half an hour 😀
Load More Replies... I'm from Finland, Sweden's neighbor country, and yes, we didn't feed our own children's friends dinner. That was because kids usually left before dinner to eat at their own homes, and it would burden the parents to prepare extra just for the possibility that the friends would stay longer. Also, what would you think if you'd prepare a dinner for your family, and then your kid would be late and would never eat what you made because they already ate at some random friend's house?
The problem I have isn't the fact that kids are sent home before dinner etc, but some people on here are saying that the guest stays in another room whilst the family eats. That is extremely rude to me. Either send the child home, feed them or wait until the child leaves before eating. It's not that hard. How uncomfortable to just sit and wait whilst your friend is eating in another room, even worse sitting at the table and watching everyone eat.
Load More Replies... This is crazy. Growing up in Southern California I had friends of a lot of backgrounds and ethnicities, though no Swedish, and I cannot imagine not leaving their homes without being more than full. It was insulting to turn down seconds. I now feed the everyone near our home. My adult kids were here yesterday and their friends stopped by and my husband said, "Get your asses in here and eat."
In Australia that would be extremely rude. You don't eat around other people unless they refuse or show up when your already eating. Of course eating around strangers is different.
In NZ, if you were over at a friends house near dinner time you would be asked if you would like to stay and would then call your parents to confirm that was okay. It was considered rude to remain at your friends house at dinner time unless you were invited.
Indian here. This is unfathomable. Come to my house and I will feed all of ya! If someone takes offence to being offered too much food, so be it.
It's not about hospitality, it's about respecting the parents of the kid who's over to play. In my experience it's common to be asked by your friends parents to call home and ask if you can eat with the family your visiting. They don't wanna interfere with your family's dinner plans. I guess it's also common that parents of 2 friends decide on yes /no to eating dinner when kids are over.
Every time I had a friend over, my mum would come to the room every 10 minutes offering food and drinks. The more it was declined, the harder she tried, even whipped up a cake or something until she found something the friend would not resist. And every time anybody slept over, the table in the morning looked like a breakfast buffet in a 5* hotel. Gods rest her soul. Have some big shoes to fill and can't wait to forcefeed every friend of my kids that crosses our threshold 😁
If the kid was only there to play I always s sent them home at dinner time. But yes spending the night I fed them
As a parent, I could NEVER do this! But as a kid, it would have been GREAT! I was the only vegetarian for miles and a picky-eater. I dreaded going to people's houses in case I had to eat with them, it was such a stressor. I would loved to have been able to just not eat.
I have NEVER done anything like that. I simply can’t. I grew up and watched my mom feed everyone at meal time. I can’t count how many times I fed extra people. Expected or otherwise. It may seem the “norm” for some locations, but it’s not hard to make a call for permission. I can’t NOT feed someone. Ive no idea how many children (now adults) I’ve fed. And later realized I gave them their only meal - I am a serial feeder - and am not ashamed.
seems like a class issue more than anything, from what I've learned and experienced (working class Aussie) it can happen it most cultures that prioritize financial status...capitalism is gonna capitalism ergo the internet is gonna internet...love u all fellow pandas...
I'm from Czechia, and not offering food to your guest would be extremely rude. It's not like you have to cook a 10-course lunch, but it's polite to offer at least some small snack and drink.
My Uncle was a high level exec at Ericsson and lived in Sweden for decades, but I've never heard of this phenomenon before. I've been to Stockholm several times and love it, but I suppose I never really knew any Swedish kids who would have experienced it.
if we were at a friends place (no such thing as 'playdates' in those days, you would just go over and see if they could play), and it was meal time, the usual thing would be that the child would be told it was time to go home for supper/lunch, etc., and maybe that they could come back later. I think its just plain rude to not feed someone when everyone else is eating...you could always phone the parents and ask if its ok if they stayed over to eat, as well
I would take like a candy store with me and be like noooo can't feed you while I'm visiting you.
There this thing called a telephone. So call the parents and ask if you can feed their child. If it's dinner time, send them home. Who doesn't feed kids?
Being one who was always made to eat what I was given whether I wanted to eat it or not. I do ask first and leave it as an open invitation. I try not to force people. When I am a host my anxiety can make me seem forceful when actually I am being repetitive.
I knew someone who was the opposite. They were forbidden by their mother to eat anything outside their own home. After years of no thank yous his demise was a slice of chocolate cheesecake. It was his teenage rebellious phase, I guess.
We went to my sister in laws gathering for her daughters birthday party. Her brother in law was jn no rush to take me and when I got there I saw why. You would expect loads of food especially chips and soft drinks. There was absolutely nothing. A stodgy chocolate cake that you couldn't hold down, not enough drinks, not even water in a bottle. There were no other children and the 2 tables of relatives did not speak to eachother. This woman invited us over to show off her garden, her kids and her house. It's what I call a "small town snob" out of privacy I won't mention the nationality or other details. We were there for HOURS. The first time I met them I treated them to tea and a snack. Next time don't invite me!
A little anecdote about my interactions with a Swedish exchange student to my California high school in the late 1980s. Invited her to my house after school and told her to make herself at home (which is pretty much just a polite figure of speech in the USA) and she went into my fridge and pantry to get herself food and drink before I could offer her something and get it for her. Mentioned this to my best friend and she replied she had the same person over her house previously, said "make yourself at home" and she went to the bathroom to take a shower. We just figured Swedes were very literal
I know I'm late to this, but there were many times we (as a friends group) played in friends' rooms while they were eating. It was just considered a blip in the middle of playtime, not a hospitality issue. When it was time for your family to eat, you went home and the rest of the kids either had gone and come back or would go home in a bit. (This was the U.S. northeast, mostly in upstate New York). Snacks and drinks, though, they were shared freely. I don't know, maybe it's because as friends we spent every day together, and no one's family was expected to feed other kids that often.
I'm Canadian, my father is Italian (mother is Canadian), and the thought of not at least offering food to people is baffling to me. My parents even offered service-people (the few we had to hire since we didn't have family that could do the job) full meals with wine/beer. I also have to remind my dad that it's ok to offer a few times, but if they keep saying no, to not insist...we grew up in an Ital-Canadian area, so food was always offered to kids that were over (whether they were there for just 15mins or a sleepover), and I was never made to wait while my friends ate at their homes. Parents here would be horrified if they heard their child hadn't eaten while the friend's family did.
Dude, if literally the rest of the world is telling you that's awful hospitality, it's time to reflect. But some Swedes keep making flimsy excuses or simply saying they don't care because it's their way. Oh well
I bet it is going to be a difficult transition to Sweden join NATO: "I take care of myself but no care about others...) =)
And by the way;. Did you know that Sweden was still measuring kids heads, comparing hair color and eye color against a chart to establish racial purity? In the 1950s!!!
If I sent my kid to play at a time where dinner would come, I would have him call me if they didn't feed him and if that was the case, I would send an Uber Eats or whatever those frozen are holes have there and have the driver deliver my kid his favorite pizza, ice cream sundae, snacks and candy, and tell him to SHARE.
Wha..? I’m swedish, this has never, ever happened to me. I’m sure there are weirdos here same as anywhere who might do this, but it’s absolutely not a thing. I’ve never even heard of it happening to someone else, It’d be incredibly rude. I’m at a bit of a loss here, honestly - we feed guests, no matter if it’s planned or unplanned, guests of the parents or the kids. We’ve got so many other weird and bad habits to turn into memes, why pick one that’s made up…? I mean; we’re guilty of IKEA for gods sake. We prefer not to talk to strangers, we have a language that sounds like something from the muppet show and we have raw, pickled herring as a national dish - nobody has to make things up to heckle us.
I'm guessing you're young. In the 90s this was still very much a thing in Finland, and judging by several posts, also in Sweden.
Load More Replies... Oh please 🙄 every single school day there'd be a hord of kids having fika at each others houses. My family dinner were usually all the family kids +3-4 more that just liked my mother's cooking better than their own moms. I had 1 friend that did this and to be honest I loafed around there every single day and also they were a family of a*s people
