Shopper Shuts Up Trauma-Dumping Woman For Talking At Him While Checking Out
I think most of us can agree that when we go to the store, we don’t really want to be bothered. We want to come, get what we came for, pay and leave the shop in peace and definitely not listen to other customers’ life stories.
Speaking about that, one Reddit user shared their story online after a woman in a bookstore kept telling her life story; he simply said that he’s not her therapist and she should stop interrupting him checking out at the store.
More info: Reddit
It’s a rare situation that strangers in a shop would enjoy listening to somebody’s life story and issues
Image credits: Hanson Lu (not the actual photo)
This man started his story by sharing that in a bookstore, he was waiting by the register when an employee approached him with another customer who kept chatting
Image credits: Ketut Sudiyanto (not the actual photo)
He added that the customer kept talking about her cancer diagnosis and treatments and just went silent when she noticed that employee was focused on transactions
Image credits: Jack Sparrow (not the actual photo)
However, she still had stories to tell, so she turned to the man and started giving the same story, while he tried to be sympathetic and said he was sorry to hear it
Image credits: u/Reasonable-Count-251
She kept talking and the man had finally had enough – he said they were not her therapists and she needed to back up, at which point the customer finally went silent
A few days ago, a Reddit user took his story online, asking community members if he was being a jerk for telling a stranger who kept talking to him that he was not her therapist and she needed to stop interrupting him while he was trying to check out. The post caught a lot of attention and collected over 9.1K upvotes and 1.1K comments.
The original poster (OP) shares that the whole situation started when he went to the register and a employee came with another customer, who got in the line behind him but kept chatting. OP adds that it wasn’t hard to notice that the employee didn’t really enjoy the conversation, but the customer kept talking about how she had been diagnosed with cancer, sharing details about treatments and so on.
“Finally, she was quiet when it was clear the employee was focused on my transaction,” OP noted, though it didn’t last for very long. She turned to him and started sharing the same story, and while he tried to be sympathetic and feel for her, he couldn’t take it anymore. He told her to back up and stop interrupting the conversation.
The customer said that she needed to vent, but the man reminded her that she was not talking to a therapist. OP added that his wife said it was rude, but as a former retail worker, he pointed out that the customer was clearly making the employee uncomfortable.
The community members backed up the OP in this situation and gave him the ‘Not the A-hole’ badge. “As a cashier for 25 years all I gotta say is THANK YOU. There are so many times this has been done to me but I wasn’t allowed to tell them to back off,” one user shared. “NTA. Cashiers WISH for a customer like you when we get a customer like her,” another added.
Image credits: Aleksandar Pasaric (not the actual image)
As it is visible from most of the comments, employees also prefer to avoid small talk and especially hearing customers’ whole life stories and problems. Looks like the self checkout machines are the perfect solution, right? Well, turns out that this is not the case.
The Eater notes that the US is currently experiencing an epidemic of loneliness and isolation, which is actually made worse by self-checkout kiosks. However, despite that, according to the Los Angeles Times, self-service kiosks are preferred over human-run checkout lanes by 66% of respondents, who frequently cited speed and a desire to avoid social interaction.
However, there was a clear generational divide: Baby boomers preferred self-checkouts at a rate of 46%, compared to 84% of Gen Z-ers.
But having these “warm, low-stakes” interactions, such as the one between a customer and a cashier, are actually a critical tool for maintaining emotional well-being later in life as social circles shrink, shared Toni Antonucci, a professor at the University of Michigan.
So while most of us are happy to avoid small talk, for some people, interactions with humans, even in the shop, are important. Well, maybe there is no need to vent about all your problems, but small talk won’t hurt. What do you think about this situation? Was the man being rude? Share your thoughts below!
Redditors backed the author up and discussed that he did the right thing by telling her
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I was going to say that sometimes we have to endure discomfort to allow comfort for someone else... right up until "I need to vent." That meant she was fully cognizant of what she was doing and the effect it was having on others and didn't care. That's quite different from the half-conscious over-share of intimate details to others in an attempt to convince yourself of your reality that some people do.
I had the same reaction. I was ESH up until that point. I'm a pretty solitary person. Sometimes I DO need to vent. Sometimes I DO need a bit of sympathy. But I am pretty good about reading the other person. And I really don't dump of strangers. Just my family-by-choice :)
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NTA. Everyone is going through something. Imagine if we all started dumping our personal stories on total strangers in the malls? The OP didn't brush her off immediately; they did say they were sorry about her diagnosis, what more do you want from a stranger?
I'd say ESH, only because there are kinder ways to get the point across to someone who is clearly going through something traumatic. She may not have anyone in her life to talk to, she may have just found out and it processing. That said, strangers don't need to bear the burden of it. "I'm sorry you are going through that, but I'm not in a position to help you. Please let me finish my transaction and give me some space." Or something along those lines. The "we're not your therapist," bit was just rude. I've had people throw some weird things my way and I just not, and uh huh and carry on with what I'm doing, then say goodbye when I'm done.
Its even more rude to randomly dump your problems on a worker and fellow customer.
Load More Replies... I have worked in retail for 20 plus years and it never fails to amaze me the stuff people want to tell me. I could write a book.
Everyone needs to vent. That's part of what a therapist is for. And if her doctor was any good, they'd have recommended a good one along with a grief counselor. But ambushing a store employee to do it is disrespectful. And, especially in a post covid world, getting up in someone's personal space to do it, uninvited, is next level unhinged.
Venting is first to family and friends. Only with a therapist if there is more support needed (which may be the case with a cancer diagnosis, but isn't a given). Why does everyone jump to therapist when for 200,000 years, it was friends and family who provided support to people? Given how hard it is for people in the US to access therapists, we shouldn't be encouraging people to hide their feelings from friends and family.
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Nta; knowing the reason for behaviour doesn’t make it acceptable. People can be going through something and still respect personal space.
NAH. Everything about this is sad. And everyone was in a horrible situation, that poor woman at most, but still, those people were not the right address to vent. Still it's horrible she seems to have no one else and be unable to talk to the hotlines and charities who have set up voluntary services for such situations. No matter what your problem is, you can't just expect other people to be able to deal with trauma dumping. It's sad and I'm sorry for you of you're alone, please seek out people who are willing. They are out there. Please do not risk being hurt this way by asking random strangers. They might simply not be in the right place themselves to help.
I’m being a bit of a broken record here, but if we’re going to hold cancer patients to this standard, then I don’t want to hear endless complaining from retail workers either. I make a reasonable effort when I’m a customer, but as someone who has worked in retail myself, stuff like folding shirts is not as bad as having cancer, so if the cancer talk is a no go, I don’t care to hear about your annoyance about folding shirts either.
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NTA, Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou from a long time retail worker. I HATE it when people overshare their life, with me, an audience that has to be polite.
Although OP could have worded it just a little differently, I don’t blame him for having the lady back off. Whilst it’s sad that she has cancer, that doesn’t make it okay to unload your whole medical history onto strangers wîlly-nilly. If someone actually asks to know why you’re looking so glum, then by all means, tell them. Otherwise, best save it for relatives & friends who are eager to give that kind of support, or else speak to a counsellor/mental health professional. 🤔🤷♀️
The fact that we just accept that retail employees have to put up with stupid s**t like this is part of why retail and food service jobs are having trouble finding staff. One of my retail jobs, there was a guy who would come in weekly and talk to me about his Asperger's, how he was trying to get back into dating, and how terrible women were for not giving him a chance. He would stay for HOURS, he showed me porn on his phone (said he was suggesting an anime to me. I did not ask for either porn or anime), creep my fellow female staff and customers, and frequently tried to get into the back. But head office wouldn't let us tell him off because he spent $200 at the store a week and the store was struggling
NTA as a small retail store owner, I feel you. You were firm, polite and what you said was necessary. Some people need to STOP!! Over sharing is outrageous these days! No, not everyone needs to hear everything about everyone's life, the intimate, the medical, the difficult etc. That's what therapists, best friends and Netflix is for. Good for you OP!
NTA, but there is a problem. OP shouldn't have said, "We're not your therapists." Therapists are not there for normal, every day human support that should be part of everyone's life. (They CAN be, but it's sad when they are needed to fulfill the role.) To be more accurate, OP should have said, "You're interrupting. We're not your friends or family and will never see you again, so this is inappropriate."
OP handled it perfectly well. She needed to hear that. yes it sucks and I feel bad for her situation but in no way is it OPs responsibility and its incredibly rude to trauma dump on anyone who isnt expecting it or gave you permission to trauma dump on them. consent matters in more places than just the bedroom.
When it's a stranger, it's so tough. Not everyone has the time or ability to listen and understand. This woman needed someone to talk to, but clearly that wasn't the time nor the place. OTOH, I have a coworker who gets pretty chatty and personal. She just lost her husband to cancer in 2020 and talks about him all the time (for context, she's about 25 years older than me. He died in his 50s). I am not always in the mood to talk to her, and I'm definitely not her therapist, but I've learned that with widows you have to take the time. Sometimes she just needs to talk about him and I'm the person who is there. I can take the time for her.
I know some of you out there must be like me - something about you gives off permission to others to just start sharing with you, appropriate or not. You just have to stand your ground and muster up your best people skills to say "I hate that for you. I really must finish up my business here and be off to address my own problems. I hope you find the right support group to share with" and walk away if you can.
The employee didn't come work to make base wages and be forced into listening to whatever every single customer decides to off load on them. As for OP, hypocrisy is doing the same thing you find wrong....OP didn't bother the cashier with any personal complaints, he went home and spoke about his day to his wife like most people do; please use a dictionary if you don't understand basic words. Next, you're working on the assumption that OP has no issues in life of his own. Maybe, just possibly, if you use that sympathy you so highly tout, you might consider that OP may not have any emotional availability to help shoulder this complete stranger's problems. Lastly, cancer doesn't mean all social rules and norms no longer apply to her: she was asked kindly once already to stop bothering OP but she refused and demanded others to be her sounding board and she chose to ignore the poor employee's evident uncomfortable behavior. Cancer doesn't mean you get to treat others with zero regard.
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I was going to say that sometimes we have to endure discomfort to allow comfort for someone else... right up until "I need to vent." That meant she was fully cognizant of what she was doing and the effect it was having on others and didn't care. That's quite different from the half-conscious over-share of intimate details to others in an attempt to convince yourself of your reality that some people do.
I had the same reaction. I was ESH up until that point. I'm a pretty solitary person. Sometimes I DO need to vent. Sometimes I DO need a bit of sympathy. But I am pretty good about reading the other person. And I really don't dump of strangers. Just my family-by-choice :)
Load More Replies... NTA. Everyone is going through something. Imagine if we all started dumping our personal stories on total strangers in the malls? The OP didn't brush her off immediately; they did say they were sorry about her diagnosis, what more do you want from a stranger?
I'd say ESH, only because there are kinder ways to get the point across to someone who is clearly going through something traumatic. She may not have anyone in her life to talk to, she may have just found out and it processing. That said, strangers don't need to bear the burden of it. "I'm sorry you are going through that, but I'm not in a position to help you. Please let me finish my transaction and give me some space." Or something along those lines. The "we're not your therapist," bit was just rude. I've had people throw some weird things my way and I just not, and uh huh and carry on with what I'm doing, then say goodbye when I'm done.
Its even more rude to randomly dump your problems on a worker and fellow customer.
Load More Replies... I have worked in retail for 20 plus years and it never fails to amaze me the stuff people want to tell me. I could write a book.
Everyone needs to vent. That's part of what a therapist is for. And if her doctor was any good, they'd have recommended a good one along with a grief counselor. But ambushing a store employee to do it is disrespectful. And, especially in a post covid world, getting up in someone's personal space to do it, uninvited, is next level unhinged.
Venting is first to family and friends. Only with a therapist if there is more support needed (which may be the case with a cancer diagnosis, but isn't a given). Why does everyone jump to therapist when for 200,000 years, it was friends and family who provided support to people? Given how hard it is for people in the US to access therapists, we shouldn't be encouraging people to hide their feelings from friends and family.
Load More Replies... Nta; knowing the reason for behaviour doesn’t make it acceptable. People can be going through something and still respect personal space.
NAH. Everything about this is sad. And everyone was in a horrible situation, that poor woman at most, but still, those people were not the right address to vent. Still it's horrible she seems to have no one else and be unable to talk to the hotlines and charities who have set up voluntary services for such situations. No matter what your problem is, you can't just expect other people to be able to deal with trauma dumping. It's sad and I'm sorry for you of you're alone, please seek out people who are willing. They are out there. Please do not risk being hurt this way by asking random strangers. They might simply not be in the right place themselves to help.
I’m being a bit of a broken record here, but if we’re going to hold cancer patients to this standard, then I don’t want to hear endless complaining from retail workers either. I make a reasonable effort when I’m a customer, but as someone who has worked in retail myself, stuff like folding shirts is not as bad as having cancer, so if the cancer talk is a no go, I don’t care to hear about your annoyance about folding shirts either.
Load More Replies... NTA, Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou from a long time retail worker. I HATE it when people overshare their life, with me, an audience that has to be polite.
Although OP could have worded it just a little differently, I don’t blame him for having the lady back off. Whilst it’s sad that she has cancer, that doesn’t make it okay to unload your whole medical history onto strangers wîlly-nilly. If someone actually asks to know why you’re looking so glum, then by all means, tell them. Otherwise, best save it for relatives & friends who are eager to give that kind of support, or else speak to a counsellor/mental health professional. 🤔🤷♀️
The fact that we just accept that retail employees have to put up with stupid s**t like this is part of why retail and food service jobs are having trouble finding staff. One of my retail jobs, there was a guy who would come in weekly and talk to me about his Asperger's, how he was trying to get back into dating, and how terrible women were for not giving him a chance. He would stay for HOURS, he showed me porn on his phone (said he was suggesting an anime to me. I did not ask for either porn or anime), creep my fellow female staff and customers, and frequently tried to get into the back. But head office wouldn't let us tell him off because he spent $200 at the store a week and the store was struggling
NTA as a small retail store owner, I feel you. You were firm, polite and what you said was necessary. Some people need to STOP!! Over sharing is outrageous these days! No, not everyone needs to hear everything about everyone's life, the intimate, the medical, the difficult etc. That's what therapists, best friends and Netflix is for. Good for you OP!
NTA, but there is a problem. OP shouldn't have said, "We're not your therapists." Therapists are not there for normal, every day human support that should be part of everyone's life. (They CAN be, but it's sad when they are needed to fulfill the role.) To be more accurate, OP should have said, "You're interrupting. We're not your friends or family and will never see you again, so this is inappropriate."
OP handled it perfectly well. She needed to hear that. yes it sucks and I feel bad for her situation but in no way is it OPs responsibility and its incredibly rude to trauma dump on anyone who isnt expecting it or gave you permission to trauma dump on them. consent matters in more places than just the bedroom.
When it's a stranger, it's so tough. Not everyone has the time or ability to listen and understand. This woman needed someone to talk to, but clearly that wasn't the time nor the place. OTOH, I have a coworker who gets pretty chatty and personal. She just lost her husband to cancer in 2020 and talks about him all the time (for context, she's about 25 years older than me. He died in his 50s). I am not always in the mood to talk to her, and I'm definitely not her therapist, but I've learned that with widows you have to take the time. Sometimes she just needs to talk about him and I'm the person who is there. I can take the time for her.
I know some of you out there must be like me - something about you gives off permission to others to just start sharing with you, appropriate or not. You just have to stand your ground and muster up your best people skills to say "I hate that for you. I really must finish up my business here and be off to address my own problems. I hope you find the right support group to share with" and walk away if you can.
The employee didn't come work to make base wages and be forced into listening to whatever every single customer decides to off load on them. As for OP, hypocrisy is doing the same thing you find wrong....OP didn't bother the cashier with any personal complaints, he went home and spoke about his day to his wife like most people do; please use a dictionary if you don't understand basic words. Next, you're working on the assumption that OP has no issues in life of his own. Maybe, just possibly, if you use that sympathy you so highly tout, you might consider that OP may not have any emotional availability to help shoulder this complete stranger's problems. Lastly, cancer doesn't mean all social rules and norms no longer apply to her: she was asked kindly once already to stop bothering OP but she refused and demanded others to be her sounding board and she chose to ignore the poor employee's evident uncomfortable behavior. Cancer doesn't mean you get to treat others with zero regard.
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