Mom’s New Boyfriend Crosses The Line, Gets Pepper-Sprayed By Teen He Walked In On
Interview With Expert
In a perfect world, we would never have to worry about encountering anyone dangerous. But sadly, that’s just not the reality we live in. And if it makes you feel safer to know a bit of self-defense or to carry around pepper spray in your purse, more power to you!
Most of us who take these precautions do so for the peace of mind, without ever actually intending to use our weapons or skills. But one woman recently decided to defend herself against her mother’s boyfriend after he entered her room unannounced. Below, you’ll find the full story that she posted on Reddit, as well as a conversation with Dr. Maryann Amirshahi, Medical Director at the National Capital Poison Center.
This woman was less than thrilled when her mom invited her boyfriend to move in with them
Image credits: Miguel_SR (not the actual photo)
So when he barged in on her changing, she didn’t hesitate to retaliate
Image credits: Image-Source (not the actual photo)
Image credits: LightFieldStudios (not the actual photo)
Image source: AcanthisittaNew7036
It’s important for teens to be given space and privacy
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
Seeing your parents enter into new relationships can often be difficult. Even as an adult, you may still feel like a child to your mother or father, and it can be challenging trying to squeeze a new person into your relationship. They might not have as much time for you, and they might start prioritizing their partner over you. Plus, if you don’t like the person your parent is dating, it’s easy to become bitter and frustrated.
In this particular story, it sounds like the mother’s boyfriend did not respect the boundaries set by his partner’s daughters. It can be strange enough to have an adult man move into your home when you’re only a teen, but having him barge in on your bedroom can quickly feel like your privacy has been violated. Privacy is incredibly important to teenagers, and it is something they should all be entitled to, Verywell Family notes.
While it can raise red flags if your teens are too secretive, allowing them space and privacy is a great way for parents to build trust with their kids. As they are going through puberty and developing, teens should have the freedom to explore and develop their own interests, have the choice to keep their bodies private from their family members and be allowed to build confidence without having their parents constantly looking over their shoulders.
“The active ingredient in pepper spray is capsaicin, which is contained in many of the peppers that we eat, such as jalapeños”
Image credits: Andrew Magill (not the actual photo)
On the other hand, when teens aren’t allowed space and privacy, it can lead to frustration and bitterness. It can also encourage kids to lash out or intentionally start keeping secrets from their parents. And, of course, it can escalate to situations such as this one. To learn more about pepper spray, we reached out to Dr. Maryann Amirshahi, Medical Director at the National Capital Poison Center. Dr. Amirshahi was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and explain what exactly pepper spray is.
“Pepper spray is what we call a lacrimator, or something that increases tear production. Lacrimators have been used for over a century. The intent of using a lacrimator is to temporarily disable someone without causing significant harm,” Dr. Amirshahi explained. “They have been used in combat, for crowd control, and on a smaller scale for personal protection. Pepper spray is just one type of lacrimator.”
“The active ingredient in pepper spray is capsaicin, which is contained in many of the peppers that we eat, such as jalapeños,” the expert continued. “Capsaicin is also found in arthritis creams and was what was in the chip that was part of the popular ‘One Chip Challenge.’ The most common effects that occur in patients exposed to pepper spray is irritation of the eyes and mucous membranes (the mouth and nose). You can also get skin irritation.”
“One of the best ways to describe how it may make you feel is if you have ever cut a hot pepper and touched your face before you washed your hands,” Dr. Amirshahi says. “Some people might experience trouble breathing, particularly if they have asthma or other lung problems. Rarely, people have more severe reactions to pepper spray, particularly if they are exposed to a large amount, but this is much less common.”
“Pepper spray is only meant to be used to help you get out of a scenario where your safety is truly at risk”
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION (not the actual photo)
We also asked Dr. Amirshahi how she feels about individuals having pepper spray on them, and she shared that she actually carries some around herself. “I have worked in the emergency department for many years, and I find myself walking to the parking lot alone at 2 in the morning regularly,” she explained. “Pepper spray is only meant to be used to help you get out of a scenario where your safety is truly at risk. If you are going to carry pepper spray, it is important to know how to use it, so that you do not harm yourself or someone else unintentionally.”
The expert also noted that pepper spray is relatively safe as far as chemicals go, as the ingredient is in some of the foods we eat. “In fact, other chemicals that were used as lacrimators in the past were more toxic, and pepper spray actually replaced them as a safer alternative,” Dr. Amirshahi added. “If you want something that does not contain chemicals at all, there are products out there that flash and make loud noises that are available for personal safety.”
But as with anything else, it’s important to use pepper spray wisely. “Be sure to keep it out of the reach of children, as they can accidentally spray it on themselves or someone else,” Dr. Amirshahi says. “If you do end up having to spray it, wash your hands after you get to safety. If you get sprayed accidentally, you should wash yourself off. If you get pepper spray in your eyes, run them under water for 10-15 minutes. Be sure to remove and discard your contacts if you wear them. Remove any contaminated clothing and jewelry and wash them. Get to a well ventilated space. Expert help is always available from poison control by phone or online.”
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. Then, if you’re interested in checking out another Bored Panda article, you can find one discussing safety tips right here!
Some readers assured the woman that her self-defense was justified
Others, however, called her out for overreacting
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The point is, she set up boundaries and he ignored them. She told him not to do her laundry he repeatedly ignored it. Also, if you're a 40-something-year-old man who lives with his partner, you don't walk into her 18-year-old daughter's room unannounced and without knocking. You just don't. Again, everyone who ways YTA should touch grass.
Touch grass or check themselves cuz I get the feeling they are all Dales
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Never discount a womans instincts. That's how we stay safe. She doesn't feel safe is grounds enough for boundaries.
100% "Creepy" is not a easy thing to articulate. If she thought he was being creepy and inserting himself into her personal space too much, then she is in the right for reacting how she did.
Load More Replies... He definitely should have knocked, however the reaction seems over the top. Especially because she has not written what is actually creeping her out with this guy.
If you read only what is told here, it seems a bit overreaction yes. But reading between the lines tells something more. At least I perceive the text in a way that the girl doesn't feel comfortable with the man at all. As a woman myself, I would probably want to wash my undies and bras myself rather than letting a little-known man do it, but she shows really strong reaction about all the laundries and that isn't something that comes out of thin air. And she feels unsafe in her own home and is protective of her sister too. On top of that he seemed to have crossed the boundaries several times, with the examples of laundries and coming in without knocking. And let's be honest, no-one dresses with pepper spray in hand unless they already expect something bad to possibly happen.
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NTA. If she had time to find and unlock the pepper spray, he was IN her room longer than an ‘oops, sorry didn’t realize you were in here’ accident. If she had to drag him out, he made his way inside the room while she was dressing. Those are super ped-o moves. Get out of there and take the sister with you.
To the people who said YTA: what is wrong with you?? We're talking about a man who invades 2 teenage girls' privacy here. Not some guy trying to parent small children
One teenage adult's privacy. She never mentioned him doing anything toward the 14-year-old. I know it's splitting hairs, but facts need to be stuck to especially in matters like these or your credibility and voice are wasted. You have something to say and that something shouldn't be able to washed away because facts are not being adhered to. I'm not attacking you; I'm just looking out.
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If she asked him not to go into her room even to do laundry and he still does it clearly he has no issues crossing boundaries. People who are saying she is the a hole bc he barged into her room when she has asked him not to do are the same people who would play off SA as something minor. Clearly he has no respect for her and her sister. No person should be barging into anyone's room and because they are teenagers they do deserve a right to privacy. Also the commenter saying it's his house ummm no it's not the girls were there first just bc mom brought home a jobless bum doesn't mean those girls give up the rights to their privacy or boundaries.
Ok, so this post was deemed fake and the account has been suspended. OP has a history of karma farming via posts intended to grab sympathy and/or stir up debate. They have made similar posts saying they were going to fill her room with guns given by her grandfather, that she was so proficient in judo that she was thinking of joining the Olympic team, etc. She also has a history of trying to bury any inconvenient questions. Questions such as being in the confined space of a bedroom wasn't she affected by the pepper spray, how was she able to effectively yell at him, etc. And wouldn't she have had to temporarily move out of the room for awhile while it was cleaned & pepper spray removed from all of the cloth surfaces.
ESH A therapist can help you see the difference between "red flags" and cognitive distortions based on trauma & family dysfunction. You & mom need family counseling or you are vulnerable to being abusive or abused. You resolve conflict with pepper spray & Reddit, your dad with violence... because you both feel defensive. There are healthier ways to feel & be safe.
I agree with the ESH. I won't discount the 18yo having a gut feeling. But there are many holes in the story, and very one sided. The mom may or may not have set boundaries with the BF, and if she didn't (i.e., please knock before entering my children's rooms) she should have immediately; and with her daughter (no word on what the 14yo thinks), such as he is my partner, and no you do not have to like him, but respect goes both ways.
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This is deliberately missing too many key notes to determine whether she behaved in an appropriate manner. It reads like she made herself into an ambush, knowing he had some pretext to come in. (was he dropping off laundry, did not know she was there, etc)
If a door is shut you should knock first no matter what. Even if you think someone isn't home. It's common courtesy is it not?
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Why do i get the impression that the guy was set up and she was waiting with the pepper spray in hand, also doesn't help that angry dad is also fueling her teen rage. Not condoning his actions of entering their personal space without permission, but i think someone was a little too happy in macing, dragging and shouting at said target
Who waits half naked with pepper spray in their room? If you do that good for you but I genuinely can't see how she could've set him up for that
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Teenage girls pepper spray grown men and physically drag someone twice their size with no consequences other than a stern look all the time.
Load More Replies... Reverse the gender roles: "creepy" step mother and 18-year-old son. People would be asking for "more info." or telling him he may not be the AH, but he overreacted or maybe he should think about getting another place since he's an adult now. EDIT: The man should have left her laundry alone though, especially if he was asked/told numerous times to not wash it.
Forced to call be on this one. This person has obviously never used pepper spray, especially in an enclosed space.
ETA. He's the AH for entering without knocking. That's a huge matter of respect. You don't enter someone's personal space without warning or permission. This is living with people 101. I don't care if his reason innocent. It changes nothing. But she's the AH for going to such extremes. This sounds like a first time offense and a huge escalation. No idea who's teaching her this is an appropriate reaction but they're wrong. Yes, she had every right to defend her space, but do so with words. Don't take actions unless the verbal warnings aren't adhered to. And taking it to such physical levels is absurd, let alone further threats.
She replied that he had been talked to. Repeatedly. Better to be an a*s hole than to be raped.
Load More Replies... If an 45 year old male starts living with his new girlfriend ans she has teenage daughters, he should tread lightly. If she is 18 and talking about not wanting to be 'fathered,' he clearly stepped over some lines there. He is not the father and she is no longer a child. Besides that, he should realize the age of the girls-who-are-not-his-daughters and act accordingly. Even if it is all in the head of OP, he should have picked up on those signals and anyway, knock before entering a girls room. I (then 47F) knocked before I entered my sons (then 16/18) rooms. Basic courtesy.
She should report this to her father, the police & get herself as well as her sister out of there immediately. Also especially since it's NOT the creep's children or home. His true intentions has yet to begun but the red flags are already popping up everywhere. 🤨
She gave no reason why he was creepy. It's entirely possible he's just clueless. That being said, you always knock. I've let my kids know that their room is their sanctuary and we have rules about us entering that space without permission, and those still all boil down to you will at least have some heads up before we enter
Impossible to really know for sure without having met them or seen them interact but I'm going with not the A-hole. Look, it is possible that she is overacting and he is just being absent minded, but whose behaviour really needs to change here? As an adult coming into a partners house who has children you have to be sensitive to how you make them feel, and he is failing. I think the mum really needs to talk to him about this, reinforcing the need for him to respect their boundaries; it's important that the message does not become that HE was the victim and that the daughter needs to respect his right to go in and out of her room as he pleases. One other thing I'm pretty absent minded at times, but someone would not need to tell me twice not to do their laundry, what is up with that?
I wouldn’t pepper spray him I would roundhouse kick him straight in the balls and then pepper spray him twenty times if I was her.
Well none of you guys have ever used pepper spray I guess. If you spray it in a bedroom, it's going to gas out BOTH of them. We're talking incapacitated here. She's not gonna grab a grown man (and she's still half dressed remember) and drag him anywhere, bc she won't be able to see or breathe. If you use pepper spray, you hold your breath, blast them and run like hell. This post is pure b******t.
First of all, the haters who said your actions were wrong are either males or abused women. Second, INFORM YOUR FATHER NOW/TODAY. Third, call 311 and talk to a cop. Clearly your mother is not concerned about your safety or your baby sister's, so you have to be the grown-up. It's not fair but it's obviously necessary. Alert your father: You're older & may be moving out in future, which means sis has no voice, no advocacy. I'm so sorry. You're being forced to protect yourself and sissy. It may well be time to move in with Dad, both you girls. Now that you sprayed him, his deviance will be dialed up. Please...you must be prepared. And you are the hero of the story, and for your younger sister too. Sorry for this pressure and responsibility. But your Mom is in denial and afraid of losing a man who won't work - LOTS OF RED FLAGS she's refused to see. That leaves you. Be brave - get out of there and take sissy with you. That's why I'm strongly encouraging you to call Dad, cops, CPS.
You told him not to come into your room. He came into your room anyway and got pepper sprayed. Your mother’s new boyfriend coming into your room without knocking after being told not to is super creepy and while pepper spraying is a bit extreme, it definitely made your point. No apologies and warn your sister. If he’s a good guy, he will have learned his lesson. If he is a bad guy, he will move on to an easier mark (that may be your sister so be prepared) or he will double down. Loop in your dad and be prepared.
To all the "YTA" - in what universe is it appropriate for a literal STRANGER to barge into a teen's room?? Doesn't matter if he's boinking the mother, the kids are off limits. Jeez... I was dating someone who made a remark about how "when we move in together your daughter will have to learn to do as she's told". Reader, I dumped his sorry a**e and he never met my daughter.
All these people saying there's not enough info to tell if she was in the right: seriously? She keeps her laundry in her own hamper, in her room, and has asked him not to touch it -- he comes into her room, deliberately violating that request, and takes her laundry anyway. She asks him never to enter her room without knocking -- he ignores that and enters anyway. He keeps trying to "parent" her as well -- even though she is 18. This IS creepy and violating behavior. As a man, he shouldn't be entering the private space of ANY teen or adult woman without permission. While she doesn't give further details, the way he acts makes her feel unsafe, not only for herself, but her sister. So this is not an "oops, my bad" on his part. This is him repeatedly crossing boundaries so frequently that she feels like she needs to keep her pepper spray nearby. That doesn't happen in a vacuum. If she were the mother's 18 year old female roommate, would this behavior still look ok to you?
I would guess she warned him verbally before letting rip. If he didn't back down or challenged her to do it after that he deserved all he had coming to him.
No. This is classic groomer/pedo behaviour. Massive red flags. Doing the laundry of a young girl you don't know and have no relationship with is freaking unhinged. Trying to parent a teenager you aren't related to, aren't even a stepparent of, who already has a father is a complete violation of boundaries. (And extremely common behaviour for pedophiles.) And walking into a teenage girl's bedroom without knocking is a huge red flag.
NTA. The guy's agenda is crystal clear: two young girls, ripe for the picking. He repeatedly ignored OP's request to leave her laundry alone, then enters her bedroom without knocking. Rather presumptuous of him, don't you think? And what was her mother thinking, letting a 45-year-old guy move in with her daughters, one of them clearly underage? Is she SO desperate to have a man around the house that's she's even willing to tolerate his predatory behavior towards them? He tried to put a move on you and lost. It's only a matter of time before he'll corner your sister.OP, TELL YOUR DAD NOW. He can take you to the police station to file a complaint, perhaps even to have you and your sister placed elsewhere as long as that man is under your roof.
For those who aren't aware of what constitutes creepy behavior: leering, licking one's lips, attempting to be alone with the selected victim, making inappropriate comments, unwanted physical contact, all behind the parent's back. I know; I've had to endure all of it. OP's mom and her boyfriend should be grateful; the pepper spray could have easily been something deadlier. And all of the YTA commenters can George Foxtrot.
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NTA, though pepper spraying him was a bit of an overreaction. She should have tried to throw him out of her room first. BUT I'm big on trusting gut feelings. The biggest mistakes in life I made when I had a bad feeling about something, however illogical it seemed at the time, but in the end it was ALWAYS right and I regretted not trusting it quite a few times. Better safe than sorry.
What is so hard to understand about the issue with him doing her laundry? He creeps her out and she doesn't want him touching her underwear. Why else is he so obsessed with doing her laundry when shés asked him not to?
My mom dated and moved in a lot of men, over half of them moving directly from a sober house, the other half actively alcoholics. Most of them were sketchy but I was never creeped out by them. But there was one guy. He gave me the creeps from the beginning. 2 months in he started kissing us on the mouth before bed. He never DID anything, but I know there's a reason I automatically disliked him. I NEVER read the obituaries before or after this, but we were visiting a bf's grandparents and they checked for friends. It was open on their table and I SAW THIS MAN'S OBITUARY. He had a hyphenated last name, so I knew it had to be him. I have NO idea why this coincidence happened, I'm not religious or spiritual in any way, but it's literally the only reason I question my lack of beliefs. He stalked my mom after and for 10yrs I was still afraid he'd show up for no good reason. It was a weird relief.
NTA. He opened a teen girl's door without knocking, knowing full well it was closed for a reason, because who can't figure that out? The daughters hardly know this man, but he's moved in? And doesn't work? Believe your gut instinct in situations like this. He's a creep.
Don't listen to those saying you over reacted. Trust me when I say a grown man with good intentions does not ever walk into his own daughters bedroom at your age much less someone who isn't even his daughter. He sounds like an unemployed free loader who has a thing for young girls and your mother needs to get a clue before something happens. Tell your father now.
There is absolutely no good reason for a grown man to be walking into an 18yo woman's room unannounced. Even with the purest of intentions, I would never do that because of the optics of it. The YTA commenters are f*cked in the head.
After reading these comments I can clearly tell that some of you aren't exactly the brightest crayon in the box & should stay FAR away from children at all times (don't have any either). Or your reading comprehension is 100% pure s**t & need to go back to school. OP is indeed NTA & had every right to pepper spray a creepy homeless bum she doesn't know from a hole in the wall. That her desperate for bum d**k mother moved in to avoid being alone. Clearly that is more important than both her daughters wellbeing & safety. OP repeatedly told her mother's bumfriend NOT to touch her laundry which she keeps mostly in a hamper in HER room. This creep (not a man) is obviously a habitual over the line stepper, who is severely hardheaded since continuously go in her room for her laundry WITHOUT knocking or her permission to do so. That much energy should be towards looking for employment to be honest instead of hell bent on "doing laundry".
I feel like we don’t know enough to judge. She said he was ‘creepy’ but if his only crime is doing laundry, that seems a little presumptuous. Yes, if she clearly told him to knock first, fair enough, but I also think if he was really the massive creep she seems to think he is she would have listed more reasons for that label. Would she also have pepper sprayed her mum if she’d walked in?
Physical assault as a reaction? I am missing a lot of info. Did he now she was changing? How long have they been living together? I don't knock on my kids doors (they are under 12) but am starting to, but I very often forget. It takes time to learn a new behaviour. He should not walk in without knocking and if she doesn't want her laundry beying done, then I'd say don't do it. But does stupid behaviour warrant physical violence? Would it be ok if she was walking in on him, and he'd pepperspray her? It is a too one sided story to draw any conclusions. So I'm not lynching anyone till I know the facts.
NTA, if this guy literally can't be trusted with other people's laundry because he does gods what with it, he shouldn't even be allowed around minors. The OP should keep a close eye on her sister since he's just 14, as an 18y.o. she has experiences someone that young doesn't. And shame on the mother for bringing a homeless, jobless creep into her kids lives.
She gave zero reason for the laundry thing. So why on earth do you make such assumptions? He's trying to do right by the household since he's not working. He overstep and failed to respect her space. That warrants a verbal warning, not assault and battery.
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"I pepper sprayed him right in the face like I have been instructed" Who felt it necessary to instruct her keep pepper spray to use on him? If it's to that point, she needs to get herself out of there, and get her dad fighting for custody of her little sister.
In this instance, I'd say pepper spray those who said YTA!!! Basic preservation instinct shouldn't be something frowned upon, much less in the case of two girls, one barely an adult and one just starting to be a teen. Always knock first and stay away where you are not welcomed. SMH to YTA and that sh*tty excuse of a man-craving "mother"!!!
Why not pepper spray the mother? She's the one who doesn't let them have a lock. If he is a creep it's fine, but you don't know. A dad from a friend of my kids thought I was a pedo, because I always took em out to play and one day the kid thought it was fun to show his a*s to the other kids. Didnt even know nor see it. I'm a woman. Nowadays everyone is a potential pedo. He started to bark at me. That is okay because it's his instinct? Bye. I said sorry son, play with him in school, but you can only invite kids from normal parents to come play from now on.
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OP's mother moved a convicted felon into the home with two teen females and he is unemployed. Well isn't that a recipe for disaster. OP and sister should seek to live with their father. They are not safe and their mother is irresponsible.
The father is a convicted felon. It doesn't say anything about the boyfriend's status, but I'm quite sure that if he'd had so much as a speeding ticket she would have mentioned it. Teenagers can be vicious towards people who have the audacity tomdate their parents.
Load More Replies... The point is, she set up boundaries and he ignored them. She told him not to do her laundry he repeatedly ignored it. Also, if you're a 40-something-year-old man who lives with his partner, you don't walk into her 18-year-old daughter's room unannounced and without knocking. You just don't. Again, everyone who ways YTA should touch grass.
Touch grass or check themselves cuz I get the feeling they are all Dales
Load More Replies... Never discount a womans instincts. That's how we stay safe. She doesn't feel safe is grounds enough for boundaries.
100% "Creepy" is not a easy thing to articulate. If she thought he was being creepy and inserting himself into her personal space too much, then she is in the right for reacting how she did.
Load More Replies... He definitely should have knocked, however the reaction seems over the top. Especially because she has not written what is actually creeping her out with this guy.
If you read only what is told here, it seems a bit overreaction yes. But reading between the lines tells something more. At least I perceive the text in a way that the girl doesn't feel comfortable with the man at all. As a woman myself, I would probably want to wash my undies and bras myself rather than letting a little-known man do it, but she shows really strong reaction about all the laundries and that isn't something that comes out of thin air. And she feels unsafe in her own home and is protective of her sister too. On top of that he seemed to have crossed the boundaries several times, with the examples of laundries and coming in without knocking. And let's be honest, no-one dresses with pepper spray in hand unless they already expect something bad to possibly happen.
Load More Replies... NTA. If she had time to find and unlock the pepper spray, he was IN her room longer than an ‘oops, sorry didn’t realize you were in here’ accident. If she had to drag him out, he made his way inside the room while she was dressing. Those are super ped-o moves. Get out of there and take the sister with you.
To the people who said YTA: what is wrong with you?? We're talking about a man who invades 2 teenage girls' privacy here. Not some guy trying to parent small children
One teenage adult's privacy. She never mentioned him doing anything toward the 14-year-old. I know it's splitting hairs, but facts need to be stuck to especially in matters like these or your credibility and voice are wasted. You have something to say and that something shouldn't be able to washed away because facts are not being adhered to. I'm not attacking you; I'm just looking out.
Load More Replies... If she asked him not to go into her room even to do laundry and he still does it clearly he has no issues crossing boundaries. People who are saying she is the a hole bc he barged into her room when she has asked him not to do are the same people who would play off SA as something minor. Clearly he has no respect for her and her sister. No person should be barging into anyone's room and because they are teenagers they do deserve a right to privacy. Also the commenter saying it's his house ummm no it's not the girls were there first just bc mom brought home a jobless bum doesn't mean those girls give up the rights to their privacy or boundaries.
Ok, so this post was deemed fake and the account has been suspended. OP has a history of karma farming via posts intended to grab sympathy and/or stir up debate. They have made similar posts saying they were going to fill her room with guns given by her grandfather, that she was so proficient in judo that she was thinking of joining the Olympic team, etc. She also has a history of trying to bury any inconvenient questions. Questions such as being in the confined space of a bedroom wasn't she affected by the pepper spray, how was she able to effectively yell at him, etc. And wouldn't she have had to temporarily move out of the room for awhile while it was cleaned & pepper spray removed from all of the cloth surfaces.
ESH A therapist can help you see the difference between "red flags" and cognitive distortions based on trauma & family dysfunction. You & mom need family counseling or you are vulnerable to being abusive or abused. You resolve conflict with pepper spray & Reddit, your dad with violence... because you both feel defensive. There are healthier ways to feel & be safe.
I agree with the ESH. I won't discount the 18yo having a gut feeling. But there are many holes in the story, and very one sided. The mom may or may not have set boundaries with the BF, and if she didn't (i.e., please knock before entering my children's rooms) she should have immediately; and with her daughter (no word on what the 14yo thinks), such as he is my partner, and no you do not have to like him, but respect goes both ways.
Load More Replies... This is deliberately missing too many key notes to determine whether she behaved in an appropriate manner. It reads like she made herself into an ambush, knowing he had some pretext to come in. (was he dropping off laundry, did not know she was there, etc)
If a door is shut you should knock first no matter what. Even if you think someone isn't home. It's common courtesy is it not?
Load More Replies... Why do i get the impression that the guy was set up and she was waiting with the pepper spray in hand, also doesn't help that angry dad is also fueling her teen rage. Not condoning his actions of entering their personal space without permission, but i think someone was a little too happy in macing, dragging and shouting at said target
Who waits half naked with pepper spray in their room? If you do that good for you but I genuinely can't see how she could've set him up for that
Load More Replies... Teenage girls pepper spray grown men and physically drag someone twice their size with no consequences other than a stern look all the time.
Load More Replies... Reverse the gender roles: "creepy" step mother and 18-year-old son. People would be asking for "more info." or telling him he may not be the AH, but he overreacted or maybe he should think about getting another place since he's an adult now. EDIT: The man should have left her laundry alone though, especially if he was asked/told numerous times to not wash it.
Forced to call be on this one. This person has obviously never used pepper spray, especially in an enclosed space.
ETA. He's the AH for entering without knocking. That's a huge matter of respect. You don't enter someone's personal space without warning or permission. This is living with people 101. I don't care if his reason innocent. It changes nothing. But she's the AH for going to such extremes. This sounds like a first time offense and a huge escalation. No idea who's teaching her this is an appropriate reaction but they're wrong. Yes, she had every right to defend her space, but do so with words. Don't take actions unless the verbal warnings aren't adhered to. And taking it to such physical levels is absurd, let alone further threats.
She replied that he had been talked to. Repeatedly. Better to be an a*s hole than to be raped.
Load More Replies... If an 45 year old male starts living with his new girlfriend ans she has teenage daughters, he should tread lightly. If she is 18 and talking about not wanting to be 'fathered,' he clearly stepped over some lines there. He is not the father and she is no longer a child. Besides that, he should realize the age of the girls-who-are-not-his-daughters and act accordingly. Even if it is all in the head of OP, he should have picked up on those signals and anyway, knock before entering a girls room. I (then 47F) knocked before I entered my sons (then 16/18) rooms. Basic courtesy.
She should report this to her father, the police & get herself as well as her sister out of there immediately. Also especially since it's NOT the creep's children or home. His true intentions has yet to begun but the red flags are already popping up everywhere. 🤨
She gave no reason why he was creepy. It's entirely possible he's just clueless. That being said, you always knock. I've let my kids know that their room is their sanctuary and we have rules about us entering that space without permission, and those still all boil down to you will at least have some heads up before we enter
Impossible to really know for sure without having met them or seen them interact but I'm going with not the A-hole. Look, it is possible that she is overacting and he is just being absent minded, but whose behaviour really needs to change here? As an adult coming into a partners house who has children you have to be sensitive to how you make them feel, and he is failing. I think the mum really needs to talk to him about this, reinforcing the need for him to respect their boundaries; it's important that the message does not become that HE was the victim and that the daughter needs to respect his right to go in and out of her room as he pleases. One other thing I'm pretty absent minded at times, but someone would not need to tell me twice not to do their laundry, what is up with that?
I wouldn’t pepper spray him I would roundhouse kick him straight in the balls and then pepper spray him twenty times if I was her.
Well none of you guys have ever used pepper spray I guess. If you spray it in a bedroom, it's going to gas out BOTH of them. We're talking incapacitated here. She's not gonna grab a grown man (and she's still half dressed remember) and drag him anywhere, bc she won't be able to see or breathe. If you use pepper spray, you hold your breath, blast them and run like hell. This post is pure b******t.
First of all, the haters who said your actions were wrong are either males or abused women. Second, INFORM YOUR FATHER NOW/TODAY. Third, call 311 and talk to a cop. Clearly your mother is not concerned about your safety or your baby sister's, so you have to be the grown-up. It's not fair but it's obviously necessary. Alert your father: You're older & may be moving out in future, which means sis has no voice, no advocacy. I'm so sorry. You're being forced to protect yourself and sissy. It may well be time to move in with Dad, both you girls. Now that you sprayed him, his deviance will be dialed up. Please...you must be prepared. And you are the hero of the story, and for your younger sister too. Sorry for this pressure and responsibility. But your Mom is in denial and afraid of losing a man who won't work - LOTS OF RED FLAGS she's refused to see. That leaves you. Be brave - get out of there and take sissy with you. That's why I'm strongly encouraging you to call Dad, cops, CPS.
You told him not to come into your room. He came into your room anyway and got pepper sprayed. Your mother’s new boyfriend coming into your room without knocking after being told not to is super creepy and while pepper spraying is a bit extreme, it definitely made your point. No apologies and warn your sister. If he’s a good guy, he will have learned his lesson. If he is a bad guy, he will move on to an easier mark (that may be your sister so be prepared) or he will double down. Loop in your dad and be prepared.
To all the "YTA" - in what universe is it appropriate for a literal STRANGER to barge into a teen's room?? Doesn't matter if he's boinking the mother, the kids are off limits. Jeez... I was dating someone who made a remark about how "when we move in together your daughter will have to learn to do as she's told". Reader, I dumped his sorry a**e and he never met my daughter.
All these people saying there's not enough info to tell if she was in the right: seriously? She keeps her laundry in her own hamper, in her room, and has asked him not to touch it -- he comes into her room, deliberately violating that request, and takes her laundry anyway. She asks him never to enter her room without knocking -- he ignores that and enters anyway. He keeps trying to "parent" her as well -- even though she is 18. This IS creepy and violating behavior. As a man, he shouldn't be entering the private space of ANY teen or adult woman without permission. While she doesn't give further details, the way he acts makes her feel unsafe, not only for herself, but her sister. So this is not an "oops, my bad" on his part. This is him repeatedly crossing boundaries so frequently that she feels like she needs to keep her pepper spray nearby. That doesn't happen in a vacuum. If she were the mother's 18 year old female roommate, would this behavior still look ok to you?
I would guess she warned him verbally before letting rip. If he didn't back down or challenged her to do it after that he deserved all he had coming to him.
No. This is classic groomer/pedo behaviour. Massive red flags. Doing the laundry of a young girl you don't know and have no relationship with is freaking unhinged. Trying to parent a teenager you aren't related to, aren't even a stepparent of, who already has a father is a complete violation of boundaries. (And extremely common behaviour for pedophiles.) And walking into a teenage girl's bedroom without knocking is a huge red flag.
NTA. The guy's agenda is crystal clear: two young girls, ripe for the picking. He repeatedly ignored OP's request to leave her laundry alone, then enters her bedroom without knocking. Rather presumptuous of him, don't you think? And what was her mother thinking, letting a 45-year-old guy move in with her daughters, one of them clearly underage? Is she SO desperate to have a man around the house that's she's even willing to tolerate his predatory behavior towards them? He tried to put a move on you and lost. It's only a matter of time before he'll corner your sister.OP, TELL YOUR DAD NOW. He can take you to the police station to file a complaint, perhaps even to have you and your sister placed elsewhere as long as that man is under your roof.
For those who aren't aware of what constitutes creepy behavior: leering, licking one's lips, attempting to be alone with the selected victim, making inappropriate comments, unwanted physical contact, all behind the parent's back. I know; I've had to endure all of it. OP's mom and her boyfriend should be grateful; the pepper spray could have easily been something deadlier. And all of the YTA commenters can George Foxtrot.
Load More Replies... NTA, though pepper spraying him was a bit of an overreaction. She should have tried to throw him out of her room first. BUT I'm big on trusting gut feelings. The biggest mistakes in life I made when I had a bad feeling about something, however illogical it seemed at the time, but in the end it was ALWAYS right and I regretted not trusting it quite a few times. Better safe than sorry.
What is so hard to understand about the issue with him doing her laundry? He creeps her out and she doesn't want him touching her underwear. Why else is he so obsessed with doing her laundry when shés asked him not to?
My mom dated and moved in a lot of men, over half of them moving directly from a sober house, the other half actively alcoholics. Most of them were sketchy but I was never creeped out by them. But there was one guy. He gave me the creeps from the beginning. 2 months in he started kissing us on the mouth before bed. He never DID anything, but I know there's a reason I automatically disliked him. I NEVER read the obituaries before or after this, but we were visiting a bf's grandparents and they checked for friends. It was open on their table and I SAW THIS MAN'S OBITUARY. He had a hyphenated last name, so I knew it had to be him. I have NO idea why this coincidence happened, I'm not religious or spiritual in any way, but it's literally the only reason I question my lack of beliefs. He stalked my mom after and for 10yrs I was still afraid he'd show up for no good reason. It was a weird relief.
NTA. He opened a teen girl's door without knocking, knowing full well it was closed for a reason, because who can't figure that out? The daughters hardly know this man, but he's moved in? And doesn't work? Believe your gut instinct in situations like this. He's a creep.
Don't listen to those saying you over reacted. Trust me when I say a grown man with good intentions does not ever walk into his own daughters bedroom at your age much less someone who isn't even his daughter. He sounds like an unemployed free loader who has a thing for young girls and your mother needs to get a clue before something happens. Tell your father now.
There is absolutely no good reason for a grown man to be walking into an 18yo woman's room unannounced. Even with the purest of intentions, I would never do that because of the optics of it. The YTA commenters are f*cked in the head.
After reading these comments I can clearly tell that some of you aren't exactly the brightest crayon in the box & should stay FAR away from children at all times (don't have any either). Or your reading comprehension is 100% pure s**t & need to go back to school. OP is indeed NTA & had every right to pepper spray a creepy homeless bum she doesn't know from a hole in the wall. That her desperate for bum d**k mother moved in to avoid being alone. Clearly that is more important than both her daughters wellbeing & safety. OP repeatedly told her mother's bumfriend NOT to touch her laundry which she keeps mostly in a hamper in HER room. This creep (not a man) is obviously a habitual over the line stepper, who is severely hardheaded since continuously go in her room for her laundry WITHOUT knocking or her permission to do so. That much energy should be towards looking for employment to be honest instead of hell bent on "doing laundry".
I feel like we don’t know enough to judge. She said he was ‘creepy’ but if his only crime is doing laundry, that seems a little presumptuous. Yes, if she clearly told him to knock first, fair enough, but I also think if he was really the massive creep she seems to think he is she would have listed more reasons for that label. Would she also have pepper sprayed her mum if she’d walked in?
Physical assault as a reaction? I am missing a lot of info. Did he now she was changing? How long have they been living together? I don't knock on my kids doors (they are under 12) but am starting to, but I very often forget. It takes time to learn a new behaviour. He should not walk in without knocking and if she doesn't want her laundry beying done, then I'd say don't do it. But does stupid behaviour warrant physical violence? Would it be ok if she was walking in on him, and he'd pepperspray her? It is a too one sided story to draw any conclusions. So I'm not lynching anyone till I know the facts.
NTA, if this guy literally can't be trusted with other people's laundry because he does gods what with it, he shouldn't even be allowed around minors. The OP should keep a close eye on her sister since he's just 14, as an 18y.o. she has experiences someone that young doesn't. And shame on the mother for bringing a homeless, jobless creep into her kids lives.
She gave zero reason for the laundry thing. So why on earth do you make such assumptions? He's trying to do right by the household since he's not working. He overstep and failed to respect her space. That warrants a verbal warning, not assault and battery.
Load More Replies... "I pepper sprayed him right in the face like I have been instructed" Who felt it necessary to instruct her keep pepper spray to use on him? If it's to that point, she needs to get herself out of there, and get her dad fighting for custody of her little sister.
In this instance, I'd say pepper spray those who said YTA!!! Basic preservation instinct shouldn't be something frowned upon, much less in the case of two girls, one barely an adult and one just starting to be a teen. Always knock first and stay away where you are not welcomed. SMH to YTA and that sh*tty excuse of a man-craving "mother"!!!
Why not pepper spray the mother? She's the one who doesn't let them have a lock. If he is a creep it's fine, but you don't know. A dad from a friend of my kids thought I was a pedo, because I always took em out to play and one day the kid thought it was fun to show his a*s to the other kids. Didnt even know nor see it. I'm a woman. Nowadays everyone is a potential pedo. He started to bark at me. That is okay because it's his instinct? Bye. I said sorry son, play with him in school, but you can only invite kids from normal parents to come play from now on.
Load More Replies... OP's mother moved a convicted felon into the home with two teen females and he is unemployed. Well isn't that a recipe for disaster. OP and sister should seek to live with their father. They are not safe and their mother is irresponsible.
The father is a convicted felon. It doesn't say anything about the boyfriend's status, but I'm quite sure that if he'd had so much as a speeding ticket she would have mentioned it. Teenagers can be vicious towards people who have the audacity tomdate their parents.
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