“AITA For Telling A Fellow Mother Of A Special Needs Child That My Daughter Is Not Responsible For Her Child?”
When it comes to children, parents appreciate all the help they can get. Moms, dads, grands, aunts and uncles—everyone is more than welcome to come around and help out. Even older kids get to play eventually, when they’re old enough to.
But, deep down, you don’t want to push it. After all, others are also limited in their helping capacity. It’s only human. Well, then, you decide to pay them back with some peace and quiet by means of a ticket to a summer art program. Good for the soul, right?
Sure, but then you learn that the person you sent off to have the time of their life and recharge on a mental level is now doing more of the same they did at home because another mother decided their special needs kid needed a friend, and then it is quite understandable why you’d feel livid about it.
More Info: Reddit
Being the older kid in the family entails more responsibilities than it would if you were the younger sibling, and it can sometimes get very out of hand
Image credits: crudmucosa (not the actual image)
A mother of two—14-year-old daughter Maria and 7-year-old David (fake names), the latter of whom is on the autism spectrum—has recently shared her story on the Am I The A-Hole subreddit regarding a conflict she had with another mother, also a parent to a special needs kid named Helen.
OK, a bit of context: David requires quite a bit of specialized care. Whenever there is no way the parents, or the babysitter, could come in to provide said specialized care, Maria jumps in to help. Now, given that she’s still a minor and it’s only fair she is not stripped of her childhood, OP compensates her in various ways. Mostly in cash.
So out of hand that one mom started going ballistic on another because the latter arranged the former’s daughter to be her kid’s special needs caretaker
Image credits: u/Calm-Hurry-8589
The idea was to give OP’s daughter a break from all the caring, but the other mom simply called the school and arranged otherwise
Image credits: Michael McCauslin (not the actual image)
But it does happen. Hence, so as to not push the envelope, the OP decided she’d give Maria a bit of a break and enrolled her in a summer art program. Needless to say, she’s been thrilled about it for the whole time before it even started, and even more so on the first day. But the enthusiasm quickly subsided, and she was begging not to go after a couple of weeks.
Turns out, Maria was effectively assigned to watch over this little girl named Helen. Like David, Helen too is on the spectrum, and OP personally knows the mother. And when the mom found out OP’s daughter was going, she thought it would be a good idea to ring up the school and have them pair up the two because the mom was “close friends” with OP. The school did not fact check this request with OP.
What is worse, OP didn’t find out about it until weeks later when the kid explained what had happened and the school elaborated
Image credits: u/Calm-Hurry-8589
And so, the first two weeks, Maria was burdened with Helen. For the most part, instead of doing her own artsy thing, she had to help Helen do hers. OP also pointed out one particular incident when Helen had an anxiety attack and Maria had to jump in and help manage the situation together with the teacher.
Needless to say, OP was furious. Her first step was to get in touch with the school and ask them what they were thinking simply pushing this responsibility upon Maria, let alone a minor, given that Helen is a special needs kid. Second, she demanded a refund, which she did end up getting in the end.
One of the people at the school explained that Helen’s mom had called and asked for this, claiming the moms were good friends. That made OP even more livid, so the next phone call was with Helen’s mom. She explained that Helen wanted to attend the program, but was too afraid. Given that Maria was attending too, and had experience with special needs kids, Helen felt safer with her, hence the arrangement.
Besides the other mom getting upset, OP’s husband also had something to say that she later clarified in an update
Image credits: u/Calm-Hurry-8589
Image credits: Mike cardus (not the actual image)
This entire confrontation escalated quickly into Helen’s mom calling OP names, saying that OP should understand where these intentions were coming from and that she should be more understanding. OP is now looking into private tutoring options instead.
But, what is more, OP’s husband got wind of what happened and was upset that OP called Helen’s mom and confronted her. It’s important to explain that the hubby was not upset Maria was pulled from the class or that she was being used as a caretaker—he agreed that this was wrong.
He didn’t like how OP dropped Helen’s mom in “the fighting ring” and duked it out personally, as opposed to putting all of the blame on the school. OP should have been understanding of why Helen’s mom did what she did.
Well, folks online had a fair amount of things to say about it, all in the vein of “OP’s not wrong”. Most agreed that the school was unprofessional in how it approached the situation without even double-checking with OP about the decision.
Folks online were siding with OP and her daughter, calling everyone else in the situation jerks
Others were of the opinion that Maria should be priority here no matter what—not only does she deserve a break from caring for her own brother, but also, OP paid money for her daughter to get to do art, and yet she wasn’t able to, so, if anything, it’s not fair to Maria or OP.
Yet others asked the question of why Helen’s mother thinks she can now decide to just take away Maria’s summer. And moreover, while the husband was asking OP to be understanding, it’s not like Helen’s mom made an effort to make it known. Because now it looked like someone was just having their way without even wanting OP to know about it.
The only bit of criticism OP got from the AITA community was this part: “Maria does have to step up when I and my husband fail.” While it is understandable that sometimes older siblings do get to care for younger ones, the comment claimed the biggest reason Maria was disappointed that she couldn’t do the art program was that she needed a break from parenting her brother, and didn’t get one in this situation. And summers come and go, time is finite in this situation.
Whatever the case, the post got over 22,700 upvotes with a bit over 20 Reddit awards. You can check it out all here. And we have actually covered a very similar story not too long ago here, if you haven’t met your special needs kid caretaker sibling AITA quota yet.
But do tell us your opinions on who’s right and who’s wrong, or share your experiences if you were the older kid and had to care for your younger siblings way too often in the comment section below!
Kids with special needs siblings definitely need time off from things to figure out themselves. It's not anyone's fault, but growing up in that family situation means the neurotypical kid gets cornered to a caretaker role. Finding a camp where their daughter can do the things she wants is a great thing and the neighbor making her the caretaker against her will and taking that experience away from her is just hella selfish.
It's so refreshing to see someone that understands this! It makes me wonder if you had a special needs sibling. You are so correct, it's difficult & sucks being the caretaker. I can't imagine this poor girl's heartbreak to having her program ruined
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They should have checked with you before saying yes. They also should have had a qualified caretaker for her. They NEVER should have relied on a student to guide and help her. Wonder if they are aware of these issues. Since they aren't a public school, they probably aren't required by law to supply caretakers for kids. Helen's mother should have told whoever ran the program what Helen's needs were. If they couldn't supply what was needec, she could have hired someone or found a better program for her. The kids should enjoy themselves, not work.
I cannot believe they didn't call OP to check before appointing anyone to do anything... That was so unprofessional, and nothing would have happened had they made sure both moms are okay with issues that concern their own kids.
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NTA. You did a good job contacting the girl's mother and I am happy to hear that they gave you money back - this was very unprofessional.
Absolutely agree, this woman played behind back of the parents, made illegal arrangements...this is so so wrong for so many reasons
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Helens mother is an AH. The Camp staff are AHs for making a minor an unpaid teachers aid. And finally the 14yos Parents are BOTH AHs for using their teenage daughter as a carer to the point that she was burnt out enough to need a Holiday like this.
So many AHs in this story. Its bizarre that Helen's mum can just call up the school to assign another participant to be her daughter's caregiver and the school didn't even check in with Maria's parents. Does this mean anyone can just call up the school and pick up any child they claim is their 'good friend's'? And Maria's dad? Why shouldn't OP confront Helen's mum when she is the instigator who clearly saw fit to take advantage of another child (and she know she is since she went behind OP's back). He sounds like a 'hypocrite saint'. What a bleeding heart. I want to know what he will say if its at his own expense - where he has to sacrifice his own holiday to care for someone else's child.
YOur husband is an idiot. Helen's mother needed a confrontation because she went behind you and your daughter's back to set all this up. She's lucky you did not go Jersey Housewife on her a$$. Her doing all she did was totally inappropriate and you stood up for your daughter to her. Understanding someone's position does not mean excusing their actions
I agree that the husband is an idiot. It seems the people who do the least always have the biggest issue with the things that have been done.
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The daughter was used by the school and the other students parent. Not only should this family be reimbursed but the daughter should have also been paid.
The camp organizers are definitely in the wrong and I'm glad that you confronted them and got your money back. I'm also glad that you're taking that money and using it for Maria to take art classes. It sounds like she really enjoys having that special time for herself. I originally was ambivalent about confronting Helen's mother, but the more I thought about it I now believe it was the right thing to do. She had no right to lie and ask that Maria be her caretaker. She was completely out of line and should have been told so.
I think the mom is a half-a$$. I get an "bad manager" vibe from what I've read. She tries to keep Maria from having to be a caretaker, but sometimes it can't be helped. But it's OK because she pays Maria for it, but it sounds like Maria doesn't really get a choice? Anyway, Maria is gonna get to take a summer art class for helping out with her brother, and she's really excited about it. But then the school pushes her into a caretaker role, so the mom ...takes her away from the fun thing she got for helping with her brother to what? Help with her brother some more? Sounds like Maria it getting the raw deal all the way around.
Yes I had well meaning AH parents just like hers. I had a breakdown from carers burnout at 15yo. The Dr looking after me was livid with them
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As an educator, that is a no go. Students are not responsible for other students. I have even had parents tell me that I could pull a sibling out to help and I have refused that. Their job is to learn and have their own time.
The thing is, this happens all the time. As a son of a father with Alzheimer's someone got angry because I refused to take their loved one (also with Alzheimer's) with me on my weekly walk with my dad. This also happens all the time at schools. Does your school pair good students with bad students in projects? That is probably because they want the good students to help the bad students with the project. But you can imagine that this leaves the good students with a lot more work, and if they are unlucky it won't even reflect in their grade but does in the grade of the bad students. Just like stranger aren't responsable for walking your loved ones. Just like students aren't responsable for educating other students. Kids aren't responsable for taking care of other kids. Also for parents in this situation, make sure your kid gets the time to think about their own future and time to try hobbies. And watch out for their mental health please. This caused me problems later on in uni.
I think that Helen's mom would have done something like this again if you had not "gone off on her". You needed to set the line in the sand. You daughter knows, without a doubt, you have her back.
"You daughter knows, without a doubt, you have her back." I doubt that, in my world, that would look like this. "Maria, I see you are unhappy with helping out Helen, is that how it feels with David? Well, we have taken OUR OWN inventory and see that we are JUST as unfair to you, so we will make sure that we have a backup plan for David that doesn't involve you as you are not an adult and should not be responsible for a 7 y.o." That's how having 'her' back and she has her childhood returned. It would send the message to Helen's mom that Maria is not a caretaker to NO-ONE! period!
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I don't get why you're not allowed to tell someone when they do something wrong. That's how people learn. I also just don't understand why the husband would be upset about something that isn't going to affect him at all. Nothing is going to happen to op's family because of this. It's done. I'm just very confused as to his mindset. Why is he disparaging his wife for something that's already happened? What's the point? What did this conversation look like for those words to come about? Was he in a bad mood when she told him? My brain doesn't work this way and it's making it hard for me to understand the overall story. Part of me is even wondering if Op is leaving something out, but I have no idea what that might be. That's just what I usually assume when things don't add up, even if this isn't one of those cases. Maybe he's normally just really irrational? Or maybe he's one of those people who likes to use random things to put people down even when he himself doesn't actually believe them? I wonder if this sort of behavior is normal for him.
So that's why she got irate while the husband knows what it's like as well and thus he did agree that what Helen's mom did was wrong.
Load More Replies... Tbh I kind of feel this. I don't know anyone with special needs or stuff like that, but I have an uncle who will literally dump his kids on my sister and I when we're together and we see them fairly often. He told my mom that he was trying to dump his kids off on other peoples kids. My aunt does the best she can but she's left to do a lot of it alone because my uncle just doesn't take the initiative to be a parent. We just took a vacation and they were there and we were once again left to take care of their kids while they were on vacation. I'm 14. I'm on vacation, I don't want to take care of your kids 24/7. NTA. Not even close. I think it's good that you confronted the mom because she had no right to do that. Just because you're in similar situations does not mean she can force your child to take care of hers. It's not fair to the child and she needs to know that.
Why is he doing that? Why not hire a nanny or babysitter?
Load More Replies... Why is the husband mad at his wife? They are a team supporting their family together. This other woman out a ridiculous burden on his daughter. Why is that OK? Why is he more worried about her feelings than his daughter’s? He is saying, “yes, she did you dirty, but she had a good reason. So I’m just going to pay for private art classes, but I’m not going to stand up for you. When someone treats you badly, just walk away.”
There was clarification on that. He completely supported OP just not when it came to confronting Helen's mom. And honestly, that is understandable but at the same time it was needed to set clear boundaries that the woman clearly didn't care to notice or just didn't care. A possibility for that mom is that she was already paying for the art program, and probably didn't want to pay for a caretaker. And I'm not saying it's a good reason at all, it's inexcusable to force a child who deserved a break to take care of her child instead of an adult, but it's just a possibility.
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OP was clearly in the right to call Helen's mom. OP called her out on going over their heads and making an arrangement to benefit her and Helen. I think it's important to get to the root of a problem. This time that root was Helen's mom.
I grew up doing this because I wanted to not because I needed to. It was my choice, no one in my family was developmentally disabled or autistic but I saw others around me being abused and I stepped in to stop it and it became part of who I was but not out of necessity and no one forced me. This is child and she needs a break because this is her life, she doesn't have a choice so no one should expect her to do this all the time! It's unreasonable and wrong! This woman is the parent and teachers are employed to do this so you do it! And let this girl have a break, give her some time to herself to do something she loves because she helps a lot and she does it out of love! Let her love her life for a while and give her some time for herself for a change and don't be so selfish just because she understands and so does her mom, what you're going through, because they already know what you're going through because they go through it too!
In this situation a child was assigned to 'take care' of someone else and it ruined her experience. In other situations I've seen a bully and his favorite victim paired together because the bully's mom called in and requested it. Schools/teachers: I have respect for you I know you take on a lot and do more than your fair share. Please come up with a way to handle these requests rather than blindly going along with ONE parental request.
I would also have demanded that the daughter be paid for her work. A work they illegally forced upon her. It is not just about the money, but it would have been a good way to show her that, in learning to care for her brother, she has also developed a marketable skill that is very valuable and in high demand. She is at an age when quite a few girls take on a babysitting gig, and that could have been a sort of silver lining, not to mention that she deserves to be compensated for what they put her through (no, I'm not saying get greedy and sue, or teach her never to lend a helping hand, but in this case I do feel such a reaction would have been warranted... that and it probably would have forced those running the camp to confront Helen's mother too)
Exploit and abuse minor because someone said something, without consent from parents - cruel and I am sure, illegal. Word from mother of ASD children.
NTA, Helen's mom is the AH. She lied and you should have confronted her that was horrible. And your husband should stop it ... understanding....really? Why does he care? She should have understood that the art class was your daughter's day off and your husband should have been on his daughter's side....he is out of place.
That art program sounds awful. Making a child take care of another child without the mother even knowing about it. That's ridiculous. I would have sued them.
I think the OP was justifiably angry and anyone would be. I think the husband could be more supportive of her but sometimes our spouses don’t have our backs. I think that’s an issue and maybe you guys should talk about that.
Helen's mother lied to the school, thereby ruining this special experience for Maria. OP had every right to confront the woman, if for no other reason than her lies being detrimental to her daughter's experience. This is a grown woman going behind another mother's back to tell lies that hurt her daughter. First instinct is to protect or stand up for your child... ESPECIALLY if an adult has hurt them in any way. I would be more surprised if she hadn't contacted Helen's mom. And this woman needs to be called out personally before she does the same thing to other children. If OP wanted to be really petty and potentially cross a line she would have asked Helen's mom for her daughter's babysitting wage... "You made my daughter babysit yours for ____ hours a day for ____ days, when she babysits David we pay her $___. So, in total you owe her $___. What day this week can I meet you to collect?"
Maria was a paying caretaker. Not only she didn't get paid she was paying to stay there to do something she diid not sign up for. I feel the mom lashed out on the other mom also out of guilt for having her kid step up more times than expected on the care of David
NTA. I would never assume someone other than a qualified caretaker would be watching over my son who also happens to be on the spectrum. Helen should have asked first and the art school should have had the decency to inform the OP. The again, this is just my opinion.
I'm gonna go possibly one, if not the main reason why you went off on the mum is deep down guilt feelings that you have the same expectations of your daughter to play care giver. However, good for you to step up for her. Your husband focusing on protecting the feelings of another person who had little regard for his own child is UNBELIEVABLE. Why is it that you guys dont have a plan B for when babysitter is not available. Yes you pay your child to care take, but you also take away her childhood one little Rock at a time. Can't you arrange work schedules to NOT work on a weekend at the same time? She's the sibling not the parent and a Special needs sibling needs caretaking not babysitting. Also why did you only find out two weeks later about the "2nd job" your child was given at this art program. Don't you guys ask how things are going given this was something she was excited about...
Yeah, it sounds like the daughter didn't complain right away because she doesn't think she has the right to complain about taking care of another child. The parents have had plenty of time since covid started to find a replacement for their babysitter. They are still leaning too heavily on their daughter.
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NTA that lady Helen shouldn't have assumed your daughter would be ok in taking on that role. Just because her brother has ASD doesn't mean she should be used for her experiences. Not to be blunt but no one asks for a child with ASD or a sibling so for the family its making the best of the situation that doesn't give other parents the right to use the daughter like that. If you can't accommodate for your ASD child then ask for guidance and help don't dump them on someone unwilling
Bored Panda, why not either just publish the letters of OP? Why do you print your version of the letter AND print the letter? Reading the post get so confusing.
Thank you. I can't stand the repetition. I finally stopped reading the unnecessary synopsis. If I miss something... oh well.
Load More Replies... N t A. BMy son is on the spectrum of Autism. He has Aspburger syndrome. One. YOUR daughter SHOULD NOT be taking cate of her ARTISTIC brother. You AND your husband need to FIX that issue . She's a MINOR CHILD. I don't care if YOUR paying her or not. Her BROTHERS is NOTBher RESPONSIBILITY. he's YOUR AND YOUR HUSBANDS priority. Two. What Helen did was JUST PLAIN WRONG. she TRIED to SHULF her son ONTO YOUR DAUGHTER. Who is a MINOR CHILD. Your HUSBAND getting upset needs to get a REALITY CHECK. YOU HAD EVERY RIGHTBto do what you did. But you two have put YOUR DAUGHTER in a SECOND PARENT situation that she neither needs to OR.SHOULD be in. I don't CARE if YOUR PAYINH her or NOT. THAT needs to stop. As far as HELEN goes. Don't apologize. Sheila's MOST DEFINITELY in THE WRONG. BUT. YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND need to QUITE THE FAILING EXCUSE and give YOUR DAUGHTER back her childhood.
NTA, but human. Although I think the situation with Helen's mom could have been handled differently (more calmly), I could not blame you. She did not ask you how your child would feel and seem to have been somehwat dishonest with the organisation. You seem to have only wanted to protect your child and to set some boundaries. I would think they are clear now. You may consider apologizing for your tone, but imho not your message.
No apology is required here. Helen deserved to be blasted for taking advantage of a child.
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ETA, except the kids. There are single parents having to raise autistic children, and other children, with little help. I understand it's tempting to assign the older kids to help out with the younger siblings, but a 14 year old is not an experienced special needs babysitter nor someone who can just handle an autistic child's freak outs. That should never be her job. If their usual babysitter is no longer reliable, then hire another one. Just because Maria is getting paid doesn't make up for the time she's losing. Her reaction to having to spend an art class with another autistic child is proof she is fed up with it all. Helen is TA for taking advantage of Maria. The art school is TA for not taking it up with Maria's parents. The dad is TA for going along with all this nonsense. This mom is TA for pretty much doing the same thing Helen is doing, however she tries to justify it with money and downplaying the frequency. I agree with NotTwitchy. The parents need to do better.
If it is true that Maria only has to watch her younger brother once or twice a month, for a couple hours, I wouldn't say the parents are TA, it's normal for an older sibling to watch the younger from time to time. If it's more than that than yes they absolutely are TA. For clarification I have some personal experience, not with siblings but I guess the experience is not that different. My great grandmother was special needs in her last couple years (I was 8-11) it was normal for me to help taking care of her - I knew how and who to call for help - most of the time it was just keeping her company, making some tea or help her to get to the toilet. My grandfather was special needs the last 5 years of his life - he needed an oxygen tank had to be brought to doctors and hospitals regularly (I was 18-22). I always helped with his care, I don't know how many times I ditched my plans to get him in the ER. I often was the only one who would get him to eat. Glad I spent this time with them.
Load More Replies... My best friend is autistic and her parents ended up doing a similar thing to me by making me the one responsible for driving her everywhere. As a teen I didn’t think much of it, it was annoying at times to have the expectation on me but my income was completely disposable at that time plus I got to hang out with my friend. As a young adult living 2 hrs away, it quickly became a crushing responsibility that was draining my bank account. It got to the point that her mother angrily berated me for being a few minutes late meeting up with them at the hospital when my friend was going in for surgery. My friend still had plenty of time to make it to her surgery, I was just a few minutes off from the time I said I’d be there because there was road construction that forced me to drive to the entrance on the other side of the hospital. Turns out, they weren’t even worried about that, they were mad because they wanted to leave but had to wait for me to arrive first
I knew my friend was going to come stay with me after her surgery (her parents didn’t even want to bring her to the hospital, let alone there and back, so we did what we always did and turned it into a hang out for us before I took her back home) but I kind of expected that they would have stuck around for the surgery. Maybe at least walked into the building/waiting room with her? But no, after berating me in the parking lot and giving my friend a hug they immediately left. My friend functions fairly well most days, so I wouldn’t say it was as severe as the story, but it still really put a dent in our friendship as hanging out with her started becoming more of a burden than fun. I don’t blame her at all, of course, she was just trying to get things done and I was the only option she had left for transportation. I ended up blocking her family after she moved further away (now a 4 hour drive, one way) and I got berated yet again for being a bad friend and not being there for her. Things have improved now that her family is forced into being the ones to step up and help her
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As the mother of a special needs (now adult) and a nerotypical (now adult) let me tell you, your ARE NOT the ahole. My oldest daughter truly resents me for making her the "caregiver" when I wasn't around. She needs to be able to enjoy herself and not worry. She needs to have fun and do things. Checking in with neighbor is fine but being her caregiver, no, don't let it happen.
The other Mom is the a**hole. Yes, you do know what it is like and that is precisely why your daughter needed a break. The other Mom didn’t ask because she didn’t want to ask a question where she wouldn’t like the answer.
NTA - except for one thing- you MUST replace your emergency babysitter!!! Especially after this horrible experience, giving your daughter relief from caretaking needs to be your top priority. You DID need to yell at Helen because her actions were deceitful and inappropriate, far beyond anything that can be forgiven. Your husband doesn't seem to understand that another adult abused his child by gaslighting her into performing free labor. Personally, I'd yell at Helen a few more times. Go ahead and get it out of your system. She deserves it.
I honestly cannot understand why they acted in such an unprofessional manner , They should have had a qualified carer there for the child or pointed the other mum to a place that could care for her daughter, The other child's mother was way out of line and i have no sympathy for her right now taking advantage of a young girl like that was appalling, The father in this case is totally wrong in his sum up the only person needing his sympathy right now is his poor daughter who had her well earned break completely ruined, Its not right she has to look after her own brother let along be treated as a servant and unpaid worker by others
I am the youngest of 5 kids my sister who is just older than me has Downs syndrome I was adopted to be her companion and to when my parents died take care of her. When I had a special needs child that changed I never minded taking care of my sister but sometimes it is nice to have time for yourself. Helen mom should be ashamed of her actions and apologize to your kid. Maria sound's like a good kid and a awesome older sister
Your parents had no right to adopt you as a caretaker! That's obscene! It is not your job to be the companion and life caretaker of your sister, no matter what your parents think.
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I'm autistic and was always ahead of everyone in class, therefore I was often relegated to the paper of teaching fellow kids, sometimes I straight up did the teachers job and they'd ask me to step up to it. I didn't completely dislike it but I can 100% understand how the 14yo would have felt.
NTA not even a bit. This could all been avoided if Helen´s mum had talked with OP first, ain´t then "close friends"? Not doing so and presuming another´s person child is there for her onw daughter is imensly entitled, topped with the "you of all people must know" is manipulative beyavior she´s showing all the way. And got roasted for it, good for OP to vent it out. And for Maria to know her mum fiercly has her back.
I totally understand this woman's plight as a mom of 3 ( 15,13 & 10) my youngest has low functioning autism non verbal withsever behavioural issues we try and do everything we can to give our older daughters a break because as much as they are her sister they are not her carers and they deserve a childhood too. Asking Maria's mum and Maria to help would have been understanding expecting a kid to look after Helen is not
She sounds like an A-Hole, she could have just calmly spoken to the teacher and told them that Maria would no longer be there as a helper. Also from a young age Maria has been put into this role as a helper, I'm sure as a grown up looking back it's going to be attending to her brother not this random girl at art class that is going to impact her life more, it's almost like the mum is just projecting her own guilt.
She could've probably approached things differently. Maybe? However, a school should know better than letting a child support a student that is having an anxiety attack. As an educator, that is my job. I don't know about your last part. Plenty of children help out with siblings. There is a line for sure, but it is very common to get family help in a pinch.
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A little bit f a A. You just used poor social skills when this could have been an opportunity to teach your daughter how to set boundaries. Talk to the school and correct this problem and then support your daughter when she tells the school that they are crossing boundaries. The daughter should be taught to come to you when this problem first started. The other mom would have contacted you when she found out your daughter wasnt teamed up with her child. Opportunity lost.
Wonder how many of the people responding actually have/had any experience whatsoever taking care of children whether it be babysitting or their own children. Yes it is OP and the husbands job primarily to take care of David but they're also busy working to support both their children so sometimes Maria needs to step up and help her parents take care of David so the parents can work to support both Maria and David. The key word is SOMETIMES, OP never said that they just throw the responsibilities of David onto Maria all while thanking Maria with money and a vacation. Regardless NTA.
Well take the details and switch them, Maria is 7 and David is 14. Would David be caring for Maria in a pinch? Would they make different arrangements so neither is left unsupervised. What did they do 7 years ago when the girl was 7 and the boy was an infant? Minors are minors, getting lazy is not the answer. That girl will need therapy in her future if left unchecked. She's telling the parents that she is not happy with A and the unspoken message is B. She's feeling the same feelings--just not being able to voice them at home. Listen with an open eye and ear. No one is as blind as one who refuses to see or as deaf as those who will not hear. I, too, didn't believe that I could let my folks know that what was happening was unfair or not right. Everyone needs to be heard, even minors.It is never her 'job' to cover for her folks, it's their job to have plans as parents/adults to cover the minors, not sometimes, ALWAYS.
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OP: NTA My kid brother is 14 years younger. While he didn't have special needs, it was a complicated pregnancy & my mother was on bed rest for several months before & after his birth. As a result, everyone (our older brother is 5 years my senior) pitched in & did our part to care for Boy-o, Mom & household chores. When he had colic, we all paced the floor with a screaming bundle on our shoulders. Over the years, I assumed a "bonus parent" role. When I was still living in the family home, I would babysit when called upon & paid my going rate for babysitting. As our father began to travel for work & even after I moved out on my own, I often drove Boy-o to ball practice, school, library, park, etc happily because it was time together. No, an older siblings shouldn't be depended upon to spend their young years parenting their siblings. OTOH, part of being a family is showing up with a generous spirit bc sometimes love calls for action.
"Sometimes it's ok to rob a child of their childhood because it proves you love your family." NO. It's not ok. Your parents were assholes.
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As the older sibling of a special needs ASD brother and neurotypical sister, 11 and 13 years younger than me respectively, I was often a helper. I can't imagine not helping where I could back when we were kids. Even when I was an adult and they were still kids I was around and helping with rides, meals, and general childcare. It's part of being an older sibling. Like, there is a line between parentification and expecting the older kids to contribute to the family. And it's different for each kid. Parents have to find it based on the needs and personality of each kid. I was personally deeply offended when my mom hired a nanny briefly during my teen years when I would have been happy to step in and help. I felt like I was being pushed out of the family. So these sorts of posts keep getting these responses about how older kids are kids too and should basically be free of all responsibility of younger children. It's unrealistic and selling kids short. Not for other people's kids tho.
Sounds like your self-worth was completely based on your value as a helper to your parents. Your childhood wasn't healthy at all. There isn't a line between parentification and expecting older siblings to "contribute" to the family- that is exactly the DEFINITION of parentification. You are ok with it because you were raised to be ok with being used. That doesn't make it ok. It's a form of Stockholm Syndrome. While I'm happy for you that you don't feel traumatized by your past, it's important that you refrain from encouraging other parents to use their kids the way you were used. You don't understand how much harm is done to children in the name of expecting them to "step up".
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It's not, and it wasn't. Yes, there was a very similar story covered by my lovely coworker Jurgita about half a year ago, and it is referenced at the end of this article. But, hey, sharp memory!
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she IS the ahole, at least in regards to going off on Helen's mom. this sounds like it was mostly the school's fault. maybe the mom didn't realize how much the school was going to rely on Maria to help out Helen. maybe the mom only asked the school if they could sit next to each other because Helen considered her a friend. we don't know any of the specifics here, but it sounds like Maria's mom could have been a lot more understanding and less hostile towards a mom who is struggling like she is with a special needs kid.
it's just very similar to another story that was posted a while ago. see Robertas' comment above
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Kids with special needs siblings definitely need time off from things to figure out themselves. It's not anyone's fault, but growing up in that family situation means the neurotypical kid gets cornered to a caretaker role. Finding a camp where their daughter can do the things she wants is a great thing and the neighbor making her the caretaker against her will and taking that experience away from her is just hella selfish.
It's so refreshing to see someone that understands this! It makes me wonder if you had a special needs sibling. You are so correct, it's difficult & sucks being the caretaker. I can't imagine this poor girl's heartbreak to having her program ruined
Load More Replies... They should have checked with you before saying yes. They also should have had a qualified caretaker for her. They NEVER should have relied on a student to guide and help her. Wonder if they are aware of these issues. Since they aren't a public school, they probably aren't required by law to supply caretakers for kids. Helen's mother should have told whoever ran the program what Helen's needs were. If they couldn't supply what was needec, she could have hired someone or found a better program for her. The kids should enjoy themselves, not work.
I cannot believe they didn't call OP to check before appointing anyone to do anything... That was so unprofessional, and nothing would have happened had they made sure both moms are okay with issues that concern their own kids.
Load More Replies... NTA. You did a good job contacting the girl's mother and I am happy to hear that they gave you money back - this was very unprofessional.
Absolutely agree, this woman played behind back of the parents, made illegal arrangements...this is so so wrong for so many reasons
Load More Replies... Helens mother is an AH. The Camp staff are AHs for making a minor an unpaid teachers aid. And finally the 14yos Parents are BOTH AHs for using their teenage daughter as a carer to the point that she was burnt out enough to need a Holiday like this.
So many AHs in this story. Its bizarre that Helen's mum can just call up the school to assign another participant to be her daughter's caregiver and the school didn't even check in with Maria's parents. Does this mean anyone can just call up the school and pick up any child they claim is their 'good friend's'? And Maria's dad? Why shouldn't OP confront Helen's mum when she is the instigator who clearly saw fit to take advantage of another child (and she know she is since she went behind OP's back). He sounds like a 'hypocrite saint'. What a bleeding heart. I want to know what he will say if its at his own expense - where he has to sacrifice his own holiday to care for someone else's child.
YOur husband is an idiot. Helen's mother needed a confrontation because she went behind you and your daughter's back to set all this up. She's lucky you did not go Jersey Housewife on her a$$. Her doing all she did was totally inappropriate and you stood up for your daughter to her. Understanding someone's position does not mean excusing their actions
I agree that the husband is an idiot. It seems the people who do the least always have the biggest issue with the things that have been done.
Load More Replies... The daughter was used by the school and the other students parent. Not only should this family be reimbursed but the daughter should have also been paid.
The camp organizers are definitely in the wrong and I'm glad that you confronted them and got your money back. I'm also glad that you're taking that money and using it for Maria to take art classes. It sounds like she really enjoys having that special time for herself. I originally was ambivalent about confronting Helen's mother, but the more I thought about it I now believe it was the right thing to do. She had no right to lie and ask that Maria be her caretaker. She was completely out of line and should have been told so.
I think the mom is a half-a$$. I get an "bad manager" vibe from what I've read. She tries to keep Maria from having to be a caretaker, but sometimes it can't be helped. But it's OK because she pays Maria for it, but it sounds like Maria doesn't really get a choice? Anyway, Maria is gonna get to take a summer art class for helping out with her brother, and she's really excited about it. But then the school pushes her into a caretaker role, so the mom ...takes her away from the fun thing she got for helping with her brother to what? Help with her brother some more? Sounds like Maria it getting the raw deal all the way around.
Yes I had well meaning AH parents just like hers. I had a breakdown from carers burnout at 15yo. The Dr looking after me was livid with them
Load More Replies... As an educator, that is a no go. Students are not responsible for other students. I have even had parents tell me that I could pull a sibling out to help and I have refused that. Their job is to learn and have their own time.
The thing is, this happens all the time. As a son of a father with Alzheimer's someone got angry because I refused to take their loved one (also with Alzheimer's) with me on my weekly walk with my dad. This also happens all the time at schools. Does your school pair good students with bad students in projects? That is probably because they want the good students to help the bad students with the project. But you can imagine that this leaves the good students with a lot more work, and if they are unlucky it won't even reflect in their grade but does in the grade of the bad students. Just like stranger aren't responsable for walking your loved ones. Just like students aren't responsable for educating other students. Kids aren't responsable for taking care of other kids. Also for parents in this situation, make sure your kid gets the time to think about their own future and time to try hobbies. And watch out for their mental health please. This caused me problems later on in uni.
I think that Helen's mom would have done something like this again if you had not "gone off on her". You needed to set the line in the sand. You daughter knows, without a doubt, you have her back.
"You daughter knows, without a doubt, you have her back." I doubt that, in my world, that would look like this. "Maria, I see you are unhappy with helping out Helen, is that how it feels with David? Well, we have taken OUR OWN inventory and see that we are JUST as unfair to you, so we will make sure that we have a backup plan for David that doesn't involve you as you are not an adult and should not be responsible for a 7 y.o." That's how having 'her' back and she has her childhood returned. It would send the message to Helen's mom that Maria is not a caretaker to NO-ONE! period!
Load More Replies... I don't get why you're not allowed to tell someone when they do something wrong. That's how people learn. I also just don't understand why the husband would be upset about something that isn't going to affect him at all. Nothing is going to happen to op's family because of this. It's done. I'm just very confused as to his mindset. Why is he disparaging his wife for something that's already happened? What's the point? What did this conversation look like for those words to come about? Was he in a bad mood when she told him? My brain doesn't work this way and it's making it hard for me to understand the overall story. Part of me is even wondering if Op is leaving something out, but I have no idea what that might be. That's just what I usually assume when things don't add up, even if this isn't one of those cases. Maybe he's normally just really irrational? Or maybe he's one of those people who likes to use random things to put people down even when he himself doesn't actually believe them? I wonder if this sort of behavior is normal for him.
So that's why she got irate while the husband knows what it's like as well and thus he did agree that what Helen's mom did was wrong.
Load More Replies... Tbh I kind of feel this. I don't know anyone with special needs or stuff like that, but I have an uncle who will literally dump his kids on my sister and I when we're together and we see them fairly often. He told my mom that he was trying to dump his kids off on other peoples kids. My aunt does the best she can but she's left to do a lot of it alone because my uncle just doesn't take the initiative to be a parent. We just took a vacation and they were there and we were once again left to take care of their kids while they were on vacation. I'm 14. I'm on vacation, I don't want to take care of your kids 24/7. NTA. Not even close. I think it's good that you confronted the mom because she had no right to do that. Just because you're in similar situations does not mean she can force your child to take care of hers. It's not fair to the child and she needs to know that.
Why is he doing that? Why not hire a nanny or babysitter?
Load More Replies... Why is the husband mad at his wife? They are a team supporting their family together. This other woman out a ridiculous burden on his daughter. Why is that OK? Why is he more worried about her feelings than his daughter’s? He is saying, “yes, she did you dirty, but she had a good reason. So I’m just going to pay for private art classes, but I’m not going to stand up for you. When someone treats you badly, just walk away.”
There was clarification on that. He completely supported OP just not when it came to confronting Helen's mom. And honestly, that is understandable but at the same time it was needed to set clear boundaries that the woman clearly didn't care to notice or just didn't care. A possibility for that mom is that she was already paying for the art program, and probably didn't want to pay for a caretaker. And I'm not saying it's a good reason at all, it's inexcusable to force a child who deserved a break to take care of her child instead of an adult, but it's just a possibility.
Load More Replies... OP was clearly in the right to call Helen's mom. OP called her out on going over their heads and making an arrangement to benefit her and Helen. I think it's important to get to the root of a problem. This time that root was Helen's mom.
I grew up doing this because I wanted to not because I needed to. It was my choice, no one in my family was developmentally disabled or autistic but I saw others around me being abused and I stepped in to stop it and it became part of who I was but not out of necessity and no one forced me. This is child and she needs a break because this is her life, she doesn't have a choice so no one should expect her to do this all the time! It's unreasonable and wrong! This woman is the parent and teachers are employed to do this so you do it! And let this girl have a break, give her some time to herself to do something she loves because she helps a lot and she does it out of love! Let her love her life for a while and give her some time for herself for a change and don't be so selfish just because she understands and so does her mom, what you're going through, because they already know what you're going through because they go through it too!
In this situation a child was assigned to 'take care' of someone else and it ruined her experience. In other situations I've seen a bully and his favorite victim paired together because the bully's mom called in and requested it. Schools/teachers: I have respect for you I know you take on a lot and do more than your fair share. Please come up with a way to handle these requests rather than blindly going along with ONE parental request.
I would also have demanded that the daughter be paid for her work. A work they illegally forced upon her. It is not just about the money, but it would have been a good way to show her that, in learning to care for her brother, she has also developed a marketable skill that is very valuable and in high demand. She is at an age when quite a few girls take on a babysitting gig, and that could have been a sort of silver lining, not to mention that she deserves to be compensated for what they put her through (no, I'm not saying get greedy and sue, or teach her never to lend a helping hand, but in this case I do feel such a reaction would have been warranted... that and it probably would have forced those running the camp to confront Helen's mother too)
Exploit and abuse minor because someone said something, without consent from parents - cruel and I am sure, illegal. Word from mother of ASD children.
NTA, Helen's mom is the AH. She lied and you should have confronted her that was horrible. And your husband should stop it ... understanding....really? Why does he care? She should have understood that the art class was your daughter's day off and your husband should have been on his daughter's side....he is out of place.
That art program sounds awful. Making a child take care of another child without the mother even knowing about it. That's ridiculous. I would have sued them.
I think the OP was justifiably angry and anyone would be. I think the husband could be more supportive of her but sometimes our spouses don’t have our backs. I think that’s an issue and maybe you guys should talk about that.
Helen's mother lied to the school, thereby ruining this special experience for Maria. OP had every right to confront the woman, if for no other reason than her lies being detrimental to her daughter's experience. This is a grown woman going behind another mother's back to tell lies that hurt her daughter. First instinct is to protect or stand up for your child... ESPECIALLY if an adult has hurt them in any way. I would be more surprised if she hadn't contacted Helen's mom. And this woman needs to be called out personally before she does the same thing to other children. If OP wanted to be really petty and potentially cross a line she would have asked Helen's mom for her daughter's babysitting wage... "You made my daughter babysit yours for ____ hours a day for ____ days, when she babysits David we pay her $___. So, in total you owe her $___. What day this week can I meet you to collect?"
Maria was a paying caretaker. Not only she didn't get paid she was paying to stay there to do something she diid not sign up for. I feel the mom lashed out on the other mom also out of guilt for having her kid step up more times than expected on the care of David
NTA. I would never assume someone other than a qualified caretaker would be watching over my son who also happens to be on the spectrum. Helen should have asked first and the art school should have had the decency to inform the OP. The again, this is just my opinion.
I'm gonna go possibly one, if not the main reason why you went off on the mum is deep down guilt feelings that you have the same expectations of your daughter to play care giver. However, good for you to step up for her. Your husband focusing on protecting the feelings of another person who had little regard for his own child is UNBELIEVABLE. Why is it that you guys dont have a plan B for when babysitter is not available. Yes you pay your child to care take, but you also take away her childhood one little Rock at a time. Can't you arrange work schedules to NOT work on a weekend at the same time? She's the sibling not the parent and a Special needs sibling needs caretaking not babysitting. Also why did you only find out two weeks later about the "2nd job" your child was given at this art program. Don't you guys ask how things are going given this was something she was excited about...
Yeah, it sounds like the daughter didn't complain right away because she doesn't think she has the right to complain about taking care of another child. The parents have had plenty of time since covid started to find a replacement for their babysitter. They are still leaning too heavily on their daughter.
Load More Replies... NTA that lady Helen shouldn't have assumed your daughter would be ok in taking on that role. Just because her brother has ASD doesn't mean she should be used for her experiences. Not to be blunt but no one asks for a child with ASD or a sibling so for the family its making the best of the situation that doesn't give other parents the right to use the daughter like that. If you can't accommodate for your ASD child then ask for guidance and help don't dump them on someone unwilling
Bored Panda, why not either just publish the letters of OP? Why do you print your version of the letter AND print the letter? Reading the post get so confusing.
Thank you. I can't stand the repetition. I finally stopped reading the unnecessary synopsis. If I miss something... oh well.
Load More Replies... N t A. BMy son is on the spectrum of Autism. He has Aspburger syndrome. One. YOUR daughter SHOULD NOT be taking cate of her ARTISTIC brother. You AND your husband need to FIX that issue . She's a MINOR CHILD. I don't care if YOUR paying her or not. Her BROTHERS is NOTBher RESPONSIBILITY. he's YOUR AND YOUR HUSBANDS priority. Two. What Helen did was JUST PLAIN WRONG. she TRIED to SHULF her son ONTO YOUR DAUGHTER. Who is a MINOR CHILD. Your HUSBAND getting upset needs to get a REALITY CHECK. YOU HAD EVERY RIGHTBto do what you did. But you two have put YOUR DAUGHTER in a SECOND PARENT situation that she neither needs to OR.SHOULD be in. I don't CARE if YOUR PAYINH her or NOT. THAT needs to stop. As far as HELEN goes. Don't apologize. Sheila's MOST DEFINITELY in THE WRONG. BUT. YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND need to QUITE THE FAILING EXCUSE and give YOUR DAUGHTER back her childhood.
NTA, but human. Although I think the situation with Helen's mom could have been handled differently (more calmly), I could not blame you. She did not ask you how your child would feel and seem to have been somehwat dishonest with the organisation. You seem to have only wanted to protect your child and to set some boundaries. I would think they are clear now. You may consider apologizing for your tone, but imho not your message.
No apology is required here. Helen deserved to be blasted for taking advantage of a child.
Load More Replies... ETA, except the kids. There are single parents having to raise autistic children, and other children, with little help. I understand it's tempting to assign the older kids to help out with the younger siblings, but a 14 year old is not an experienced special needs babysitter nor someone who can just handle an autistic child's freak outs. That should never be her job. If their usual babysitter is no longer reliable, then hire another one. Just because Maria is getting paid doesn't make up for the time she's losing. Her reaction to having to spend an art class with another autistic child is proof she is fed up with it all. Helen is TA for taking advantage of Maria. The art school is TA for not taking it up with Maria's parents. The dad is TA for going along with all this nonsense. This mom is TA for pretty much doing the same thing Helen is doing, however she tries to justify it with money and downplaying the frequency. I agree with NotTwitchy. The parents need to do better.
If it is true that Maria only has to watch her younger brother once or twice a month, for a couple hours, I wouldn't say the parents are TA, it's normal for an older sibling to watch the younger from time to time. If it's more than that than yes they absolutely are TA. For clarification I have some personal experience, not with siblings but I guess the experience is not that different. My great grandmother was special needs in her last couple years (I was 8-11) it was normal for me to help taking care of her - I knew how and who to call for help - most of the time it was just keeping her company, making some tea or help her to get to the toilet. My grandfather was special needs the last 5 years of his life - he needed an oxygen tank had to be brought to doctors and hospitals regularly (I was 18-22). I always helped with his care, I don't know how many times I ditched my plans to get him in the ER. I often was the only one who would get him to eat. Glad I spent this time with them.
Load More Replies... My best friend is autistic and her parents ended up doing a similar thing to me by making me the one responsible for driving her everywhere. As a teen I didn’t think much of it, it was annoying at times to have the expectation on me but my income was completely disposable at that time plus I got to hang out with my friend. As a young adult living 2 hrs away, it quickly became a crushing responsibility that was draining my bank account. It got to the point that her mother angrily berated me for being a few minutes late meeting up with them at the hospital when my friend was going in for surgery. My friend still had plenty of time to make it to her surgery, I was just a few minutes off from the time I said I’d be there because there was road construction that forced me to drive to the entrance on the other side of the hospital. Turns out, they weren’t even worried about that, they were mad because they wanted to leave but had to wait for me to arrive first
I knew my friend was going to come stay with me after her surgery (her parents didn’t even want to bring her to the hospital, let alone there and back, so we did what we always did and turned it into a hang out for us before I took her back home) but I kind of expected that they would have stuck around for the surgery. Maybe at least walked into the building/waiting room with her? But no, after berating me in the parking lot and giving my friend a hug they immediately left. My friend functions fairly well most days, so I wouldn’t say it was as severe as the story, but it still really put a dent in our friendship as hanging out with her started becoming more of a burden than fun. I don’t blame her at all, of course, she was just trying to get things done and I was the only option she had left for transportation. I ended up blocking her family after she moved further away (now a 4 hour drive, one way) and I got berated yet again for being a bad friend and not being there for her. Things have improved now that her family is forced into being the ones to step up and help her
Load More Replies... As the mother of a special needs (now adult) and a nerotypical (now adult) let me tell you, your ARE NOT the ahole. My oldest daughter truly resents me for making her the "caregiver" when I wasn't around. She needs to be able to enjoy herself and not worry. She needs to have fun and do things. Checking in with neighbor is fine but being her caregiver, no, don't let it happen.
The other Mom is the a**hole. Yes, you do know what it is like and that is precisely why your daughter needed a break. The other Mom didn’t ask because she didn’t want to ask a question where she wouldn’t like the answer.
NTA - except for one thing- you MUST replace your emergency babysitter!!! Especially after this horrible experience, giving your daughter relief from caretaking needs to be your top priority. You DID need to yell at Helen because her actions were deceitful and inappropriate, far beyond anything that can be forgiven. Your husband doesn't seem to understand that another adult abused his child by gaslighting her into performing free labor. Personally, I'd yell at Helen a few more times. Go ahead and get it out of your system. She deserves it.
I honestly cannot understand why they acted in such an unprofessional manner , They should have had a qualified carer there for the child or pointed the other mum to a place that could care for her daughter, The other child's mother was way out of line and i have no sympathy for her right now taking advantage of a young girl like that was appalling, The father in this case is totally wrong in his sum up the only person needing his sympathy right now is his poor daughter who had her well earned break completely ruined, Its not right she has to look after her own brother let along be treated as a servant and unpaid worker by others
I am the youngest of 5 kids my sister who is just older than me has Downs syndrome I was adopted to be her companion and to when my parents died take care of her. When I had a special needs child that changed I never minded taking care of my sister but sometimes it is nice to have time for yourself. Helen mom should be ashamed of her actions and apologize to your kid. Maria sound's like a good kid and a awesome older sister
Your parents had no right to adopt you as a caretaker! That's obscene! It is not your job to be the companion and life caretaker of your sister, no matter what your parents think.
Load More Replies... I'm autistic and was always ahead of everyone in class, therefore I was often relegated to the paper of teaching fellow kids, sometimes I straight up did the teachers job and they'd ask me to step up to it. I didn't completely dislike it but I can 100% understand how the 14yo would have felt.
NTA not even a bit. This could all been avoided if Helen´s mum had talked with OP first, ain´t then "close friends"? Not doing so and presuming another´s person child is there for her onw daughter is imensly entitled, topped with the "you of all people must know" is manipulative beyavior she´s showing all the way. And got roasted for it, good for OP to vent it out. And for Maria to know her mum fiercly has her back.
I totally understand this woman's plight as a mom of 3 ( 15,13 & 10) my youngest has low functioning autism non verbal withsever behavioural issues we try and do everything we can to give our older daughters a break because as much as they are her sister they are not her carers and they deserve a childhood too. Asking Maria's mum and Maria to help would have been understanding expecting a kid to look after Helen is not
She sounds like an A-Hole, she could have just calmly spoken to the teacher and told them that Maria would no longer be there as a helper. Also from a young age Maria has been put into this role as a helper, I'm sure as a grown up looking back it's going to be attending to her brother not this random girl at art class that is going to impact her life more, it's almost like the mum is just projecting her own guilt.
She could've probably approached things differently. Maybe? However, a school should know better than letting a child support a student that is having an anxiety attack. As an educator, that is my job. I don't know about your last part. Plenty of children help out with siblings. There is a line for sure, but it is very common to get family help in a pinch.
Load More Replies... A little bit f a A. You just used poor social skills when this could have been an opportunity to teach your daughter how to set boundaries. Talk to the school and correct this problem and then support your daughter when she tells the school that they are crossing boundaries. The daughter should be taught to come to you when this problem first started. The other mom would have contacted you when she found out your daughter wasnt teamed up with her child. Opportunity lost.
Wonder how many of the people responding actually have/had any experience whatsoever taking care of children whether it be babysitting or their own children. Yes it is OP and the husbands job primarily to take care of David but they're also busy working to support both their children so sometimes Maria needs to step up and help her parents take care of David so the parents can work to support both Maria and David. The key word is SOMETIMES, OP never said that they just throw the responsibilities of David onto Maria all while thanking Maria with money and a vacation. Regardless NTA.
Well take the details and switch them, Maria is 7 and David is 14. Would David be caring for Maria in a pinch? Would they make different arrangements so neither is left unsupervised. What did they do 7 years ago when the girl was 7 and the boy was an infant? Minors are minors, getting lazy is not the answer. That girl will need therapy in her future if left unchecked. She's telling the parents that she is not happy with A and the unspoken message is B. She's feeling the same feelings--just not being able to voice them at home. Listen with an open eye and ear. No one is as blind as one who refuses to see or as deaf as those who will not hear. I, too, didn't believe that I could let my folks know that what was happening was unfair or not right. Everyone needs to be heard, even minors.It is never her 'job' to cover for her folks, it's their job to have plans as parents/adults to cover the minors, not sometimes, ALWAYS.
Load More Replies... OP: NTA My kid brother is 14 years younger. While he didn't have special needs, it was a complicated pregnancy & my mother was on bed rest for several months before & after his birth. As a result, everyone (our older brother is 5 years my senior) pitched in & did our part to care for Boy-o, Mom & household chores. When he had colic, we all paced the floor with a screaming bundle on our shoulders. Over the years, I assumed a "bonus parent" role. When I was still living in the family home, I would babysit when called upon & paid my going rate for babysitting. As our father began to travel for work & even after I moved out on my own, I often drove Boy-o to ball practice, school, library, park, etc happily because it was time together. No, an older siblings shouldn't be depended upon to spend their young years parenting their siblings. OTOH, part of being a family is showing up with a generous spirit bc sometimes love calls for action.
"Sometimes it's ok to rob a child of their childhood because it proves you love your family." NO. It's not ok. Your parents were assholes.
Load More Replies... As the older sibling of a special needs ASD brother and neurotypical sister, 11 and 13 years younger than me respectively, I was often a helper. I can't imagine not helping where I could back when we were kids. Even when I was an adult and they were still kids I was around and helping with rides, meals, and general childcare. It's part of being an older sibling. Like, there is a line between parentification and expecting the older kids to contribute to the family. And it's different for each kid. Parents have to find it based on the needs and personality of each kid. I was personally deeply offended when my mom hired a nanny briefly during my teen years when I would have been happy to step in and help. I felt like I was being pushed out of the family. So these sorts of posts keep getting these responses about how older kids are kids too and should basically be free of all responsibility of younger children. It's unrealistic and selling kids short. Not for other people's kids tho.
Sounds like your self-worth was completely based on your value as a helper to your parents. Your childhood wasn't healthy at all. There isn't a line between parentification and expecting older siblings to "contribute" to the family- that is exactly the DEFINITION of parentification. You are ok with it because you were raised to be ok with being used. That doesn't make it ok. It's a form of Stockholm Syndrome. While I'm happy for you that you don't feel traumatized by your past, it's important that you refrain from encouraging other parents to use their kids the way you were used. You don't understand how much harm is done to children in the name of expecting them to "step up".
Load More Replies... It's not, and it wasn't. Yes, there was a very similar story covered by my lovely coworker Jurgita about half a year ago, and it is referenced at the end of this article. But, hey, sharp memory!
Load More Replies... she IS the ahole, at least in regards to going off on Helen's mom. this sounds like it was mostly the school's fault. maybe the mom didn't realize how much the school was going to rely on Maria to help out Helen. maybe the mom only asked the school if they could sit next to each other because Helen considered her a friend. we don't know any of the specifics here, but it sounds like Maria's mom could have been a lot more understanding and less hostile towards a mom who is struggling like she is with a special needs kid.
it's just very similar to another story that was posted a while ago. see Robertas' comment above
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