Woman In This Online Community Asks If She Really “Ruined” Brother’s Wedding By Putting His Rant On Speakerphone For The Bride To Hear
There are a million-billion things that can go wrong on the wedding day, but none sting as painfully as a groom who fails to show up for the ceremony. But it can be worse. And it was.
A bridesmaid recently went online to ask if she was a jerk for putting her very drunk brother, the groom, on loudspeaker without him knowing it while his wife-to-be heard all of the ranting he did, mainly how he didn’t want to marry her despite having been together with her for 18 years.
More Info: Reddit
A lot of things can go wrong at weddings, but nothing really hurts as much as a groom not showing up
Image credits: David (Davo) Smith (not the actual photo)
So, let’s unpack. We have “Ben”, the 39-year-old groom, and “Abby”, the 39-year-old bride in this story, who have been together for 18 years. 8 of which were lived out in engagement, and 3 years ago, the two “nearly” got married, but Ben got cold feet some months before, so the wedding was called off.
Well, fast forward to just several days ago when they were attempting to take another stab at this marriage thing and the groom was nowhere to be found. While at first they were giving Ben the benefit of the doubt, several hours of waiting only led to more worry, so while the bride went back to the hotel, everyone else went out to search for him.
And this woman seemingly added fuel to the fire by putting the groom on loudspeaker while he was ranting about the wedding and the bride… who heard everything
Image credits: Ok-Example6948 (not the actual photo)
And find him they did. Drinking at a bar. OP got a text from her brother-in-law about it, and that they were trying to talk him into going to his own wedding. It was so ridiculous, OP described the ruckus she overheard over the phone as him acting like “a 5-year-old who didn’t want to go to the doctor.”
So, OP had had enough of him leading Abby along for 18 years, so she turned on the loudspeaker, went to the bride’s room, and let Ben rant about how she wasn’t “the one,” and he’s only with her because he’s scared to be alone at this point. He was not aware of this improvised eavesdropping.
Image credits: Ok-Example6948 (not the actual photo)
After this, Abby grabbed the phone, told Ben he had one hour to appear at the church, or it was over. He ended up appearing there in 20 minutes, at which point Abby simply left him at the altar and bolted on their honeymoon alone.
Image credits: Ok-Example6948 (not the actual photo)
The end result was that nearly everyone in OP’s family “disowned” her, leading her to ask if she was wrong to do what seemed right
Image credits: Ken Walton (not the actual photo)
Needless to say, there were people who were furious with OP, but she didn’t expect a lot of people to be. In short, almost the entire family, save for her two sisters, were upset with her and “disowned” her. It was so intense that she had to have one of the other bridesmaids collect her suitcase which was very conveniently (not really) left there by her mother.
So, she turned to the Am I The A-Hole? community for some perspective on the issue, and perspective she got. Most were actually supportive of her, saying she did the right thing by doing the bride a favor and just getting it over with, especially after 18 years. If anything, some thought the bride needed to hear him say it.
For the most part, folks online were on OP’s side, though there were some who argued that she could’ve just not butted in
Some others opted for calling everyone a jerk in this situation, with the most backlash dedicated to the brother as he was leading someone on for that long. OP could’ve taken a different route, but her intentions were good, so there was that. The mom was overreacting, period. The only person who could truly be called a victim was Abby, so some were hoping her honeymoon-now-turned-vacation is at least good.
Whatever the case, the post got over 21,600 upvotes and engagement reached over 2,400 comments, which you can check out here. And you can also take a look at other AITA posts we’ve covered here.
But don’t go just yet, as we’d love to hear your opinion on this whole situation in the comment section below!
Being left at the alter was clearly traumatic. TBH-She should've left him years ago after his inability to commit. I guess she thought he just needed time, but 18 years? He didn't force her to stay despite Ben's stringing her along. The family is treating Ben like a victim. Nobody's holding him responsible for his immature behavior. And disowning the only one who isn't enabling Ben is crazy. They are all AH's. But having her hear his drunken rant may have been harsh. But it was possibly the only thing that'd make her see the truth. So, NTA. I hope Abby doesn't go back to him and find someone who is truly committed. She deserves better. Ben needs to grow up and get more therapy.
I really hate that everyone's saying it was wrong to put Baby Ben on speaker, like they're saying "oh, he was drunk, he didn't mean it". Bull. Sh!t. When someone is drunk is pretty much when you hear the actual truth from them. Granted, it was a very emotional situation after waiting 4 hours to find the guy, but hey - the truth came out. And I wouldn't have waited that long to look for him - by the one hour mark I would have the search parties out there! Who the hell waits that long to look for a missing groom???
Ouch. Putting him on speaker phone like that was kind of an AH move, but Abby needed to hear it. Being strung along for 18 years is horrible. The fact that he'd rather go and drink, hiding away from her without telling anyone where he was or what had happened to him, while whining and saying he didn't want to go is incredibly childish. The guy didn't deserve her, and the family are AHs for encouraging it to go on for as long as they did. Drinking lowered his inhibitions, but those were still his feelings. Hopefully Abby can get on with her life now and find happiness. However, she probably now has gotten her own issues-- the fear of being abandoned, the fear that someone doesn't really love her. Poor Abby.
I've known LOTS of drunks in my life (alcoholic father, 2 alcoholic uncles, too many others to count!), and one of the top 3 things I've learned about them is that the booze lowers their inhibitions & they will absolutely reveal their true feelings. Every. Damned. Time.
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You didn't ruin your brother relationship he did! 3 times Almost married?? He was dragging it out cause he didn't know how to leave!
And made the bride wait for hours in church without saying anything. Good for the bride for just moving along. That might be the final straw for her either.
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"ben" is 39, it's time for everyone to stop babying him because daddy left. Jesus Christ. This family sounds toxic as hell, sounds to me like they are far better off away from this family.
YTA to the brother, but sometimes being TA is justified. This is one of those times.
"Your brother expressed his feelings privately to you". Yeah, and he should have expressed them to his fiancee about 15 years ago instead of wasting almost two decades of her life.
The bride needed to know. Sadly the only way she would believe it would be to hear it from the groom. Admittedly the op could've found another way / better timing. All things said, the only AH in this would be the groom. And The family giving the op a hard time for being honest.
Hearsay or out of context would have left some doubts. Yeah, it was 'harsh' , but sometimes pulling the bandage off is better than slowly. The bride was able to go on a trip( no loss on travel costs), then return to put a period and move on. Good Luck to her.
Load More Replies... It was always doomed . A fatally wounded relationship is no different to a fatally wounded animal ... shoot it , put it out of its misery , end its suffering . Knowing that doesn't make it any easier to pull the trigger , but those that wont do it are the crueler . You ended the misery ... it needed to be done .
Obviously she needed to hear it because she didn't cop a clue after 18 years and an already failed marriage attempt. Your brother is selfish and deserves to be left in worse than just at the alter.
"Ruining a relationship" isn't always a bad thing. Some relationships need to be broken.
Ben is one sad, sorry AH. I wish Abby had the self confidence and fortitude to leave him much sooner, but better late than never, and I truly hope that she doesn't rekindle their relationship when she gets back from her trip. I hope she has the strength, courage, and support, to move on in a positive healthy way. It was very harsh to bust her brother out to Abby the way that she did. I can understand her dilemma in the heat of the moment, I might feel that disgusted about a similar situation after 18 years myself, would I do the same thing, It's hard to say. It's a very disturbing position to be in. More of the family should feel badly for Abby. Sis made her choice and must suck it up now. If that's how horrible her family is behaving, she's not missing anything anyway. Ben needs to get some therapy for the issues that he knows he has, before he begins another unfulfilling relationship with another unsuspecting woman. I hope Abby finds happiness.
It's a bit rich to say the LW "ruined" it, when the groom had already skipped and most of the day had gone by by that point.
Together 18 years and engaged for 8? Were they living together at all or just dating? If living together but no kids, why at this point even bother getting married? What purpose would it serve? I find it interesting that in this day and age almost all women still think a relationship has to lead to marriage or it's not worth it.
The groom would have spilled to her the next time he got drunk. Painful either way. you did the right thing!
Dude had already made it clear when he left her at the altar one time years before that he was not the one she should have left them then he was not guiltless because he was drunk he was a stringing on a****** and he wasted many years of that woman's life. Her sister did her favor tough love is sometimes needed and the sister did nothing wrong Ben should have been a better man. Her family is probably just mad because now he's not going to have grandkids or something from somebody they clearly like for no good reason
she saved abby a ton of stress, whats the man baby going to be like if she gets pregnant? is he going to run from the hills then too?
That was the best thing you could've done for somebody. If I were in Abby's situation, I would've wanted to know all of this even if it would've caused me pain. When you have been with someone for that long, it is very easy to get manipulated and the brother could've manipulated her by twisting his words. But he didn't get the chance to do that since there was nothing to twist after she heard her fiancé talk about her like that in her absence. You did Abby a favor. NTA.
To be perfectly honest, I'd have disowned the whole damned lot, and gone away and lived my life without any of them. What a dysfunctional bunch!
NTA and no one should be solely blaming Ben. Abby willingly stayed in that relationship for 18 years and that's on her if she wanted to be in an actual marriage. I can't believe that in this day and age everyone (mostly women) thinks a relationship has to lead to marriage! If that's what you believe then that needs to be stated in the very beginning. You also need to set a timeframe expectation so nothing like 18 years can happen. If you have an online dating profile then that FACT needs to be in your bio.
She didn't ruin anything. BEN ruined things for himself. Abby needed to hear the truth. Yes, it was traumatic. But you know what else is traumatic? Being strung along for 18 freaking years, & left at the altar freaking TWICE. And how on EARTH can Ben say he's got commitment issues, when he's been with ONE woman, for almost 20 YEARS? That's exactly what commitment IS. He's already BEEN committed to her. At this point, depending on where they live, they're probably already considered common-law spouses anyway. So how is adding a ring & a piece of paper going to make things any different for him? Ben's family rushing to his defense implies to me that they coddle him as their "golden child". Which is likely a HUGE part of the reason he's such a huge títty baby. Men like that will never grow up. They'll never change. Abby likely knew that. OP said Abby and Ben went to counseling. I can guarantee there were much worse cracks in that relationship, beneath the surface, that no one ever saw. /1
Cracks that Abby hid, while smiling & pretending everything was fine. But even while she was smiling, those cracks were widening, & eating away at her. Yes, what OP did was harsh. But it needed to be done. It's hard to leave a partner, even when a relationship is toxic. It's hard to cut those toes, when your finances are shared & your heart is involved. When you have a life with them, & you're comfortable. When you've been with someone as long as Abby had been with Ben, it's almost impossible. Bad as it may have been, it was familiar & comfortable. Who knows how long Abby would have "settled", with Ben. But she deserves much, MUCH better. Ben showed his true colors, by HIS OWN actions. OP just truly opened Abby's eyes to that, & gave her the push she needed, to finally find the strength & courage to stand up for herself. I hope she finds her "better", no matter what that might mean to her. I hope she finds happiness. /2
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NTA. The biggest @$$hole is big fat baby, Ben. The other @$$holes are the family. The hero is the sister who outed Ben. I pray for Abby to find comfort, healing, strength, support, Light, Hope, peace, JOY, & a man who really, truly, actually wants her.
I was in a ladies bathroom at my job. There were three of four women in there, I didn't know them well. One was telling everyone about her husband, an a**le. She asked them their opinions on what she should do. All gave her sweet suggestions. She turned to me and asked. I said "I wouldn't have married that a** in the first place." We became really close friends, because I was the only one that didn't lie to her. I bet Abby feels the same. Isn't that what is important.
My stance - Who TH cares? Yes they are your blood, but your brother is being a d*ck and playing games with this woman who seems to be a good friend of yours. Do YOU regret the decision? If YOU think you need to make amends, do it. If not, Screw them all!
My guess is that the only reason he made it to the wedding venue in twenty minutes was because the guys who went looking for him put him in their car. Frankly, he was already gone when he sat at the bar and started drinking. So. NTA. They’re just blaming you because money and you’re available. They’ll get over it. Maybe send the relevant people an apology note. Make it sincere. I think if you had not been in the bride’s proximity it would have been less of an issue to let her hear what she so obviously needed to know. But you were so it’s done and dusted. If anything, you helped someone hear the truth so they can deal realistically from now on.
YTA. And that's OK. Sometimes you need to be an ah to give another person redemption. The truth sometimes is an ah. Sometimes, it's just perfectly ok to be an ah.
He had stood her up at the alter TWICE and wasted HALF HER LIFE on him because he was too scared to be alone. Hell no, that family is the reason he acted that way and can't handle his own life. Honestly OP is probably better off without the toxic inablers dragging her into that drama
He was at a bar drinking he wasn’t showing up; he used the sister to carry the blame!
He chickened out once before and they had to go looking for him (his second chance) because he went to a bar instead He left her at the altar, twice, not the other way around.
She was an a*****e to her brother, but he deserved it. She had to choose where her loyalties lay and she decided they lay with the Bride and her actions stopped her spending the rest of her life with someone who treats her like that. She clung on for 18 years (which is at least 15 years too long IMO) hoping he'd grow up and the OP finally let her see that's not going to happen and if she wants to be happy she needs to move on and find someone else, because he's never going to be the person she wants him to be. And maybe this will shock the brother into getting the therapy he needs and growing up and then he can find someone that makes HIM happy. This wedding would just have led to them both being miserable, possibly for the rest of their lives. In the end by being a bit of an a*****e to her brother she may have prompted him into doing what he needs to make himself happy. She definitely did that for the bride.
Honestly, the brother is the AH. The only reason he's stayed with this girl was because he was afraid of being alone? Buy yourself a fricken' puppy and stop leading the girl on. He screwed her over royally. Personally...I hope your family comes to their senses and realizes what a POS your brother is. They must really like this girl. Too bad not enough to tell her she was too good for him.
Brother is the ass Abby is the ass for staying... both were fearful to change the situation
ESH, but especially "Ben". Tip to the guys out there, if you aren't going to follow through let them go before you waste all their child-bearing years waiting for you to grow up. Men have an unlimited time period to have children so they can take their time, keep stalling until someone takes the nuclear option and the guy is cut loose. Happened to the little sister of a friend of mine. She kept on with a guy who said he loved her for over a decade, then he dumps her and decides he is "ready" for a family with a younger model. Meanwhile, little sister has missed her chance to have kids. Don't be a coward and wait until the decision to break-up is made for you.
Well, she did ruin the wedding so I see why that makes her TA in her family's view. From an objective point of view, she did the only right thing - let the bride see a truth that she deserved long ago.
Sister is horrible. Obviously this guy has a real issue with commitment to the point of hysteria. If he and his girlfriend of 18 yrs were to marry, it should have been quietly with a trusted minister or at the Court house. Sister had NO BUSINESS sticking her big fat nose into the situation. These two are nearly 40 yrs old for Pete's sake, they can handle their own issues without the sister putting herself in the situation. She is definitely the AH. This guy might not be able to handle marriage, but that is between him and his long time girl friend. Surely after 18 yrs she knows his hang ups!
We are missing a big puzzle piece here - what was Abby saying in those couple hours when she realized she was left at the altar? Was she saying she was done with his baloney? Was she still full of love for him and making excuses for his behavior? If the OP purposely did this to break them up cuz SHE thought the was the best thing for Abby then she is totally the AH. If Abby was going to end it anyway but needed that little push maybe it was still shitty but not as terrible. Sometimes a little hard honesty is needed when a loved one is not seeing clearly. But if Abby knew he was like this, still loved him and wanted to work through things the OP is an AH for getting involved and making the split happen.
She isn't responsible for ruining their relationship at all. Her brother strung that poor girl along for almost two decades and had already left her at the altar once before. I think Abby should've left him when that happened but he has some serious issues that he should've dealt with instead of carrying on that facade of a relationship. The sister let Abby know what the brother should've told her instead of stringing her along and the family enabled his behaviour. They're treating him like the victim in this scenario when he absolutely is not. He's entirely at fault, not the sister. I hope Abby doesn't try to reconcile with that horror and I hope she's able to find the happiness she deserves.
Load More Replies... Being left at the alter was clearly traumatic. TBH-She should've left him years ago after his inability to commit. I guess she thought he just needed time, but 18 years? He didn't force her to stay despite Ben's stringing her along. The family is treating Ben like a victim. Nobody's holding him responsible for his immature behavior. And disowning the only one who isn't enabling Ben is crazy. They are all AH's. But having her hear his drunken rant may have been harsh. But it was possibly the only thing that'd make her see the truth. So, NTA. I hope Abby doesn't go back to him and find someone who is truly committed. She deserves better. Ben needs to grow up and get more therapy.
I really hate that everyone's saying it was wrong to put Baby Ben on speaker, like they're saying "oh, he was drunk, he didn't mean it". Bull. Sh!t. When someone is drunk is pretty much when you hear the actual truth from them. Granted, it was a very emotional situation after waiting 4 hours to find the guy, but hey - the truth came out. And I wouldn't have waited that long to look for him - by the one hour mark I would have the search parties out there! Who the hell waits that long to look for a missing groom???
Ouch. Putting him on speaker phone like that was kind of an AH move, but Abby needed to hear it. Being strung along for 18 years is horrible. The fact that he'd rather go and drink, hiding away from her without telling anyone where he was or what had happened to him, while whining and saying he didn't want to go is incredibly childish. The guy didn't deserve her, and the family are AHs for encouraging it to go on for as long as they did. Drinking lowered his inhibitions, but those were still his feelings. Hopefully Abby can get on with her life now and find happiness. However, she probably now has gotten her own issues-- the fear of being abandoned, the fear that someone doesn't really love her. Poor Abby.
I've known LOTS of drunks in my life (alcoholic father, 2 alcoholic uncles, too many others to count!), and one of the top 3 things I've learned about them is that the booze lowers their inhibitions & they will absolutely reveal their true feelings. Every. Damned. Time.
Load More Replies... You didn't ruin your brother relationship he did! 3 times Almost married?? He was dragging it out cause he didn't know how to leave!
And made the bride wait for hours in church without saying anything. Good for the bride for just moving along. That might be the final straw for her either.
Load More Replies... "ben" is 39, it's time for everyone to stop babying him because daddy left. Jesus Christ. This family sounds toxic as hell, sounds to me like they are far better off away from this family.
YTA to the brother, but sometimes being TA is justified. This is one of those times.
"Your brother expressed his feelings privately to you". Yeah, and he should have expressed them to his fiancee about 15 years ago instead of wasting almost two decades of her life.
The bride needed to know. Sadly the only way she would believe it would be to hear it from the groom. Admittedly the op could've found another way / better timing. All things said, the only AH in this would be the groom. And The family giving the op a hard time for being honest.
Hearsay or out of context would have left some doubts. Yeah, it was 'harsh' , but sometimes pulling the bandage off is better than slowly. The bride was able to go on a trip( no loss on travel costs), then return to put a period and move on. Good Luck to her.
Load More Replies... It was always doomed . A fatally wounded relationship is no different to a fatally wounded animal ... shoot it , put it out of its misery , end its suffering . Knowing that doesn't make it any easier to pull the trigger , but those that wont do it are the crueler . You ended the misery ... it needed to be done .
Obviously she needed to hear it because she didn't cop a clue after 18 years and an already failed marriage attempt. Your brother is selfish and deserves to be left in worse than just at the alter.
"Ruining a relationship" isn't always a bad thing. Some relationships need to be broken.
Ben is one sad, sorry AH. I wish Abby had the self confidence and fortitude to leave him much sooner, but better late than never, and I truly hope that she doesn't rekindle their relationship when she gets back from her trip. I hope she has the strength, courage, and support, to move on in a positive healthy way. It was very harsh to bust her brother out to Abby the way that she did. I can understand her dilemma in the heat of the moment, I might feel that disgusted about a similar situation after 18 years myself, would I do the same thing, It's hard to say. It's a very disturbing position to be in. More of the family should feel badly for Abby. Sis made her choice and must suck it up now. If that's how horrible her family is behaving, she's not missing anything anyway. Ben needs to get some therapy for the issues that he knows he has, before he begins another unfulfilling relationship with another unsuspecting woman. I hope Abby finds happiness.
It's a bit rich to say the LW "ruined" it, when the groom had already skipped and most of the day had gone by by that point.
Together 18 years and engaged for 8? Were they living together at all or just dating? If living together but no kids, why at this point even bother getting married? What purpose would it serve? I find it interesting that in this day and age almost all women still think a relationship has to lead to marriage or it's not worth it.
The groom would have spilled to her the next time he got drunk. Painful either way. you did the right thing!
Dude had already made it clear when he left her at the altar one time years before that he was not the one she should have left them then he was not guiltless because he was drunk he was a stringing on a****** and he wasted many years of that woman's life. Her sister did her favor tough love is sometimes needed and the sister did nothing wrong Ben should have been a better man. Her family is probably just mad because now he's not going to have grandkids or something from somebody they clearly like for no good reason
she saved abby a ton of stress, whats the man baby going to be like if she gets pregnant? is he going to run from the hills then too?
That was the best thing you could've done for somebody. If I were in Abby's situation, I would've wanted to know all of this even if it would've caused me pain. When you have been with someone for that long, it is very easy to get manipulated and the brother could've manipulated her by twisting his words. But he didn't get the chance to do that since there was nothing to twist after she heard her fiancé talk about her like that in her absence. You did Abby a favor. NTA.
To be perfectly honest, I'd have disowned the whole damned lot, and gone away and lived my life without any of them. What a dysfunctional bunch!
NTA and no one should be solely blaming Ben. Abby willingly stayed in that relationship for 18 years and that's on her if she wanted to be in an actual marriage. I can't believe that in this day and age everyone (mostly women) thinks a relationship has to lead to marriage! If that's what you believe then that needs to be stated in the very beginning. You also need to set a timeframe expectation so nothing like 18 years can happen. If you have an online dating profile then that FACT needs to be in your bio.
She didn't ruin anything. BEN ruined things for himself. Abby needed to hear the truth. Yes, it was traumatic. But you know what else is traumatic? Being strung along for 18 freaking years, & left at the altar freaking TWICE. And how on EARTH can Ben say he's got commitment issues, when he's been with ONE woman, for almost 20 YEARS? That's exactly what commitment IS. He's already BEEN committed to her. At this point, depending on where they live, they're probably already considered common-law spouses anyway. So how is adding a ring & a piece of paper going to make things any different for him? Ben's family rushing to his defense implies to me that they coddle him as their "golden child". Which is likely a HUGE part of the reason he's such a huge títty baby. Men like that will never grow up. They'll never change. Abby likely knew that. OP said Abby and Ben went to counseling. I can guarantee there were much worse cracks in that relationship, beneath the surface, that no one ever saw. /1
Cracks that Abby hid, while smiling & pretending everything was fine. But even while she was smiling, those cracks were widening, & eating away at her. Yes, what OP did was harsh. But it needed to be done. It's hard to leave a partner, even when a relationship is toxic. It's hard to cut those toes, when your finances are shared & your heart is involved. When you have a life with them, & you're comfortable. When you've been with someone as long as Abby had been with Ben, it's almost impossible. Bad as it may have been, it was familiar & comfortable. Who knows how long Abby would have "settled", with Ben. But she deserves much, MUCH better. Ben showed his true colors, by HIS OWN actions. OP just truly opened Abby's eyes to that, & gave her the push she needed, to finally find the strength & courage to stand up for herself. I hope she finds her "better", no matter what that might mean to her. I hope she finds happiness. /2
Load More Replies... NTA. The biggest @$$hole is big fat baby, Ben. The other @$$holes are the family. The hero is the sister who outed Ben. I pray for Abby to find comfort, healing, strength, support, Light, Hope, peace, JOY, & a man who really, truly, actually wants her.
I was in a ladies bathroom at my job. There were three of four women in there, I didn't know them well. One was telling everyone about her husband, an a**le. She asked them their opinions on what she should do. All gave her sweet suggestions. She turned to me and asked. I said "I wouldn't have married that a** in the first place." We became really close friends, because I was the only one that didn't lie to her. I bet Abby feels the same. Isn't that what is important.
My stance - Who TH cares? Yes they are your blood, but your brother is being a d*ck and playing games with this woman who seems to be a good friend of yours. Do YOU regret the decision? If YOU think you need to make amends, do it. If not, Screw them all!
My guess is that the only reason he made it to the wedding venue in twenty minutes was because the guys who went looking for him put him in their car. Frankly, he was already gone when he sat at the bar and started drinking. So. NTA. They’re just blaming you because money and you’re available. They’ll get over it. Maybe send the relevant people an apology note. Make it sincere. I think if you had not been in the bride’s proximity it would have been less of an issue to let her hear what she so obviously needed to know. But you were so it’s done and dusted. If anything, you helped someone hear the truth so they can deal realistically from now on.
YTA. And that's OK. Sometimes you need to be an ah to give another person redemption. The truth sometimes is an ah. Sometimes, it's just perfectly ok to be an ah.
He had stood her up at the alter TWICE and wasted HALF HER LIFE on him because he was too scared to be alone. Hell no, that family is the reason he acted that way and can't handle his own life. Honestly OP is probably better off without the toxic inablers dragging her into that drama
He was at a bar drinking he wasn’t showing up; he used the sister to carry the blame!
He chickened out once before and they had to go looking for him (his second chance) because he went to a bar instead He left her at the altar, twice, not the other way around.
She was an a*****e to her brother, but he deserved it. She had to choose where her loyalties lay and she decided they lay with the Bride and her actions stopped her spending the rest of her life with someone who treats her like that. She clung on for 18 years (which is at least 15 years too long IMO) hoping he'd grow up and the OP finally let her see that's not going to happen and if she wants to be happy she needs to move on and find someone else, because he's never going to be the person she wants him to be. And maybe this will shock the brother into getting the therapy he needs and growing up and then he can find someone that makes HIM happy. This wedding would just have led to them both being miserable, possibly for the rest of their lives. In the end by being a bit of an a*****e to her brother she may have prompted him into doing what he needs to make himself happy. She definitely did that for the bride.
Honestly, the brother is the AH. The only reason he's stayed with this girl was because he was afraid of being alone? Buy yourself a fricken' puppy and stop leading the girl on. He screwed her over royally. Personally...I hope your family comes to their senses and realizes what a POS your brother is. They must really like this girl. Too bad not enough to tell her she was too good for him.
Brother is the ass Abby is the ass for staying... both were fearful to change the situation
ESH, but especially "Ben". Tip to the guys out there, if you aren't going to follow through let them go before you waste all their child-bearing years waiting for you to grow up. Men have an unlimited time period to have children so they can take their time, keep stalling until someone takes the nuclear option and the guy is cut loose. Happened to the little sister of a friend of mine. She kept on with a guy who said he loved her for over a decade, then he dumps her and decides he is "ready" for a family with a younger model. Meanwhile, little sister has missed her chance to have kids. Don't be a coward and wait until the decision to break-up is made for you.
Well, she did ruin the wedding so I see why that makes her TA in her family's view. From an objective point of view, she did the only right thing - let the bride see a truth that she deserved long ago.
Sister is horrible. Obviously this guy has a real issue with commitment to the point of hysteria. If he and his girlfriend of 18 yrs were to marry, it should have been quietly with a trusted minister or at the Court house. Sister had NO BUSINESS sticking her big fat nose into the situation. These two are nearly 40 yrs old for Pete's sake, they can handle their own issues without the sister putting herself in the situation. She is definitely the AH. This guy might not be able to handle marriage, but that is between him and his long time girl friend. Surely after 18 yrs she knows his hang ups!
We are missing a big puzzle piece here - what was Abby saying in those couple hours when she realized she was left at the altar? Was she saying she was done with his baloney? Was she still full of love for him and making excuses for his behavior? If the OP purposely did this to break them up cuz SHE thought the was the best thing for Abby then she is totally the AH. If Abby was going to end it anyway but needed that little push maybe it was still shitty but not as terrible. Sometimes a little hard honesty is needed when a loved one is not seeing clearly. But if Abby knew he was like this, still loved him and wanted to work through things the OP is an AH for getting involved and making the split happen.
She isn't responsible for ruining their relationship at all. Her brother strung that poor girl along for almost two decades and had already left her at the altar once before. I think Abby should've left him when that happened but he has some serious issues that he should've dealt with instead of carrying on that facade of a relationship. The sister let Abby know what the brother should've told her instead of stringing her along and the family enabled his behaviour. They're treating him like the victim in this scenario when he absolutely is not. He's entirely at fault, not the sister. I hope Abby doesn't try to reconcile with that horror and I hope she's able to find the happiness she deserves.
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