“What Do You Mean I’m Adopted?”: Student Embarrasses Teacher For Making Assumptions
It can be pretty annoying when someone starts to make assumptions about who you are as a person when, in fact, they just know a tiny bit about you. So sometimes, a particularly petty person might decide to take revenge.
A high schooler wondered if they went too far when they decided to pretend not knowing they were adopted to embarrass a substitute teacher. This devolved into a semantic debate, as OP had two fathers, which led to the teacher’s assumption in the first place. Netizens discussed who really was the jerk and talked terms with OP themselves.
Sometimes people make assumptions without actually knowing anything about you
Image credits: Kampus Production / Pexels (not the actual photo)
A teen decided to embarrass a teacher who thought they were adopted
Image credits: Thirdman / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Disastrous_Front_725
It can be hard to debate if both parties don’t agree on terms
This story ends up being quite complicated, as both OP and some commenters skipped over the “AITA?” question and dived right into feelings, assumptions, and semantics. After all, on a purely technical level, OP’s fathers did have to adopt them. This is why many commenters suggested that OP was in the wrong, as the substitute was technically correct, albeit without actually understanding why.
On the other hand, OP doesn’t see it the same way. They believe that, due to using one of the father’s sisters as a surrogate, they are biologically close enough to skip over the labels. This is an interesting case, as it very effectively demonstrates why any debate has to start with both parties defining their terms.
This is what might be the real cause of some folks seeing OP as the jerk. The substitute teacher may have been embarrassed, particularly when OP drove the point home. However, she perhaps didn’t actually understand why she was wrong, as by more conventional definitions, OP was legally adopted, later in life, by at least one of her fathers.
OP has probably heard statements like this hundreds of times
Image credits: Chrysostomos Galathris / Pexels (not the actual photo)
While it’s no doubt annoying to have someone assume that they know something about you, perhaps OP was slightly too harsh with the substitute teacher. After all, this person hardly knows OP and was just trying to make a quick example. Instead, she ended up being embarrassed in front of the class for what was in all likelihood an honest mistake.
On the other hand, it’s easy to sympathize with OP as well. It would appear that they have had a lot of experiences with folks making all manner of assumptions about their parents, and they might be sick and tired of correcting people. OP’s response to the teacher and their general defensiveness in the comments (some of which can be found below) could be a result of them hearing these sorts of statements constantly. So the substitute teacher made one comment, but OP’s “outburst” was the result of a lifetime of these experiences.
Not every hill is worth dying on
Image credits: Max Fischer / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The issue with “AITA” style questions is that it tends to put people in the mindset that there has to be at least one jerk. This is somewhat limiting, since not every situation actually has a villain. Sometimes it might be healthier to just accept that sometimes there are misconceptions and flared emotions and it might be best to move on.
After all, “proving” to OP that they were “adopted” won’t exactly achieve anything and, similarly, OP convincing the hundreds of commenters to change their own, internal definition of “adoption” will also just be a waste of time. “Live and let live” might, ultimately, be the best-case scenario for all involved.
Some thought OP was in the right
But others believed that they went too far or that the entire situation was just a misunderstanding
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The YTA or ESH crowd are wild. What made the teacher assume that anybody/everybody else in the class even knew about the OP’s home life? I had friends growing up whose parents were divorced, who had one or two dead parents, etc. they didn’t broadcast it and plenty of other kids didn’t know those details, because it was their private life. I don’t doubt th ere we’re plenty of other kids in the class who I wasn’t friends with and whose private family situations were similarly complicated.
Even if everybody knew, teachers are in breach of privacy laws when blurting such things out loud.
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Definitely NTA. The sub was way out of line, students' homelife shouldn't be broadcast to the whole class anyway but there are so many ways this could have backfired. Also what in the trauma-inducing hell is with suggesting one student write about their sibling having cancer? If any teacher had suggested I write about my sibling's battle with an eating disorder, they'd have had a weeping puddle of Dodo to deal with. Teacher needs some common sense and basic empathy.
This is what I was going to point out. That in the responses they mention the other 'examples' that this "teacher" came out with... To the whole class... No. NTA. Clearly. Honestly, this so called teacher needs a serious talking to about boundaries and privacy
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I teach English in public school in Japan. When we study family (mom, dad, etc) in elementary school, we don’t use the student’s families for any of the examples or activities. No drawing your family’s picture than saying who each person is. Family dynamics/structure is something people should choose to share, not be forced to share.
The YTA and ESH crowd posts are seriously deluded. - speaking as a teacher - that bich crossed a huge line. NEVER EVER divulge personal information of ANY SORT - even subs should know and respect that. The sub got what she deserved and the way OP handled it really made me laugh. People who cross boundaries deserve to be educated, and I doubt having a discussion with her would have achieved the same result.
I have a feeling those people don't even realize the teachers breaking FERPA rights. Which is probably a dismissal level offence. Seeing as she's a sub she's probably not on a continuing contract.
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I would have objected on the whole subject line. Personal events and emotions are not suitable as schoolwork subjects.
I mean they are, how could you not have emotions be a part of schoolwork, what are we robots? And personal events too. A basic what i did in summer essay is a personal event
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Yeesh. Even under 'ideal' circumstances adoption is a touchy subject. Any adopted child has lost at least one entire family, and even if it happened in infancy that is a trauma that has repercussions. If the teacher has been correct this would be worse! Let's dig through potentially your life's biggest tragedy as a class assignment so I can satisfy my morbid curiosity! Why not just ask if anyone wants to share their first sexual experience? A question I actually had a teacher manage to ask in an (adult) classroom setting BTW. And yes, I looked him dead in the eyes and said Sure! I was gang raped when I was 8 years old. Yah, I embarrassed him and shut down that class. That's what you get when you do stupid stuff as a teacher.
Efffing hell, WTF was the teacher asking about THAT for?
Load More Replies... Looks like the teacher automatically assumed that a same sex couple couldn’t have biological children, because her church taught her that you have to have a man and a woman (of childbearing age), who are married (of course), and have sex to make a baby. That’s only half true today. You actually just need some sperm, some eggs (because they don’t all “take”), a Petri dish, and a willing surrogate to have your biological child. No marriage. No sex. Just a good doctor, an excellent healthcare plan, and a load of spare cash lying around unused.
But now you're assuming she did it with ill intent because of religious reasons, I can see myself making a similar mistake, but that doesn't mean I'm intolerant.
Load More Replies... If OP is an AH - and I'm not saying that they are - then it's justified. The teacher should not be discussing any student's private business in front of the whole class, especially if it's something she just assumed about them.
It's not even the assumption. A teacher has no right discussing individual student's personal circumstances with the rest of the class, unless that student explicitly and willingly allows them to. As a gay man, I have to deal with being outed a lot. I am relatively open about it at work and lots of people know, so it is not the worst thing in the world. But it is my information to control.
I am adopted, and I usually don't mind when people talk about it but teachers are aware that they can not freely discus it with other students, as I am under witness protection, NTA, that sub needs to know her place.
JFC, the YTA and ESH are morons and completely miss the point. "Well, TECHNICALLY the sub was correct since HURR DURR BURR..." Having two dads still doesn't mean someone is adopted. There are several situations where the second dad wouldn't be a legal parent. Aside from the fact that in no situation should the sub either be making assumptions or talking about any students private life. What if OP actually didn't know they were adopted?
I had the opposite issue in high school. Year 10 biology and we had a genetics assignment. I was a bit of s**t at school, and I took full advantage of the situation. Some kids knew I was adopted and some teachers, this one didn't. I told her that I can't do the assignment, she told me that I'm doing it. I told her it's impossible for me to do the assignment, she starts getting frustrated and some of the other kids start giggling. This went for a bit until I told her I am adopted. She backtracked real quick but then asked if I can use my siblings... nope they no longer live at home. Ended up doing the assignment with my neighbours.
Honestly, I've seen this happen far too often. It needs schools to stop being so dim about the subject and recognise that we don't all have family we can point to.
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In high school English we had to keep a daily journal. I had always been basically a straight A student but at end of term, teacher who had just graduated from college, decided we had to turn in our journals so he could review them. I was like "he11 no!" I refused to give it to him so I got my first ever C.
On the first day of class I told a student 'Gee, I taught your older brother last year, but you don't look a thing like him." She replied "That's because I'm adopted." Struggling to recover, I managed to day "Wow, then you're parents sure know how to pick 'em, don't they?" Apparently this was the right answer, because I was a family favorite after that.
Having 2 same-sex parents in no way always a result of adoption or even surrogacy. I (M 50) was raised in a same-sex household. My bio-mom and dad divorced when I was 4. The assumption of adoption by the teacher definitely carries a value judgement about the OP's family. I salute the OP for turning the awkwardness back on the teacher. Families are complex; it is a teacher's place to be supportive of students, not to make assumptions and judgements about family arrangements.
Teachers should never ask students to write about any personal experiences, it's none of their business.
I mean, I am "legally adopted" by my biological father because in the 80s small town USA, they did not include the father on the birth certificate if the parents were unwed. Still raised by both bio parents from birth and have paperwork from where my parents had to literally save the money to get him added to my birth certificate and my name changed. Doesn't make me "adopted". SMDH
This is not ok! I am the parent of a adopted child and being adopted carried a very real trauma that some kids really embody and ßome don't. It is something very personal and not ok to out someone like that. I am happy you made this substitute rethink his approach. I bet each of your classes has at least 1 adopted child and most have to hide it and making a teacher rethink k how casually they being up.adoption, you did everyone who is really self continous about their adoption a favor. How families are formed should not be up for class discussion! Any teacher who makes people do a family tree are a******s. I guarantee each class has a child or more not living with biological family.
I think if OP had made a scene after the teacher had only made the suggestion, then yes YTA or ESH. But with the substitute not letting up about it, I'm definitely going with NTA.
Why is the teacher even making this particular suggestion though? It's inappropriate to bring it up like this even the once. Families can be very complicated and schools really need to catch on and catch up with that. Even the assignment is iffy - personal memoirs about something important? They're personal, that's the very point! Could have broadened the subject much more widely so that children don't feel that they have to dig around and come up with something revealing! Something funny they would like to share in a memoir style perhaps? Get them to use their imaginations and make something up. Did you not see the teacher's other 'helpful' suggestions? Way too personal.
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No one is noting this and I think it might be a unique point, but it hits me at a sore spot for a substitute (many teachers but especially a sub) to demand a student write something about things that are very personal and often traumatic. Like a buzzard. At least some teachers you get close to, and are familiar with, but a sub gets to pick through your drama and move on? It feels exploitative, honestly. I'd have felt the same way in school. Some subs feel like they try to pick you apart for the vicarious entertainment of it all. Not to say other teachers don't, but subs have a unique ability to do so and leave.
The teacher is allowed to be a total a*s and bring up a student's personal business for assignment fodder (a practice of which I am wildly disdainful), but the student is in the wrong. Protecting authorities for the sake of maintaining authority is what sets up an environment to be rife with abuse
I’m wondering why this teacher is going around saying they can write about very private personal stuff and that’s like their only option. Not about anything else. That’s messed up and none of her business. Your dads raised a beautiful person that handled it more maturely than I would. I would of raised a little more than just her anxiety
And this is why you never ever see family tree assignments any longer. It's a snake pit for many people, full of so much angst and turmoil.
Maybe for the ah teacher you should have made a picture graph of how you came to be. Daddy 1 met daddy 2, daddy 2 has a sister that offered to carry a baby for the 2 daddy's (just like a hetero couple that can't conceive) then along comes baby and makes a happy family.
Even so it’s not like this was a big omg im adopted situation. So nothing to write about. Completely out of line to talk about in class by the sub. There are privacy laws for a reason. They should be followed even in school. Ok the teacher didn’t know the circumstances but I doubt any kid with same sex parents doesn’t know that at least one parent isn’t the parent. And were adopted. It’s not shocking! It’s completely different to find out when you are a teen and have been led to believe otherwise. That would be a life altering situation but not this one.
I think she was told things from the real teacher as a way of connecting with them. She didn't have to go that far but may of been told everyone knows each other. She wasn't trying to be the bad substitute imo. She should of just been a little slower about it.
Actually, the OPs adoption/non-adoption status would make a great topic for the essay. He gets to school someone that has not been exposed to how gay families with children work and maybe help get them out of the 19th century.
I think this is hilarious. This student is going to go far! Well done.
NTA... but probably took it too far. Pretty funny for the class, but it would have been more impactful on the Sub's totally inappropriate behaviour if you had been more assertive about your objection, i.e. tell her that you aren't adopted, but if you were it would be completely inappropriate to announce personal information like that to the class. Counsellor needs to be more supportive of you and have a SERIOUS conversation with the SUB about whether they want to keep working as a SUB in a modern educational environment.
The YTA or ESH crowd are wild. What made the teacher assume that anybody/everybody else in the class even knew about the OP’s home life? I had friends growing up whose parents were divorced, who had one or two dead parents, etc. they didn’t broadcast it and plenty of other kids didn’t know those details, because it was their private life. I don’t doubt th ere we’re plenty of other kids in the class who I wasn’t friends with and whose private family situations were similarly complicated.
Even if everybody knew, teachers are in breach of privacy laws when blurting such things out loud.
Load More Replies... Definitely NTA. The sub was way out of line, students' homelife shouldn't be broadcast to the whole class anyway but there are so many ways this could have backfired. Also what in the trauma-inducing hell is with suggesting one student write about their sibling having cancer? If any teacher had suggested I write about my sibling's battle with an eating disorder, they'd have had a weeping puddle of Dodo to deal with. Teacher needs some common sense and basic empathy.
This is what I was going to point out. That in the responses they mention the other 'examples' that this "teacher" came out with... To the whole class... No. NTA. Clearly. Honestly, this so called teacher needs a serious talking to about boundaries and privacy
Load More Replies... I teach English in public school in Japan. When we study family (mom, dad, etc) in elementary school, we don’t use the student’s families for any of the examples or activities. No drawing your family’s picture than saying who each person is. Family dynamics/structure is something people should choose to share, not be forced to share.
The YTA and ESH crowd posts are seriously deluded. - speaking as a teacher - that bich crossed a huge line. NEVER EVER divulge personal information of ANY SORT - even subs should know and respect that. The sub got what she deserved and the way OP handled it really made me laugh. People who cross boundaries deserve to be educated, and I doubt having a discussion with her would have achieved the same result.
I have a feeling those people don't even realize the teachers breaking FERPA rights. Which is probably a dismissal level offence. Seeing as she's a sub she's probably not on a continuing contract.
Load More Replies... I would have objected on the whole subject line. Personal events and emotions are not suitable as schoolwork subjects.
I mean they are, how could you not have emotions be a part of schoolwork, what are we robots? And personal events too. A basic what i did in summer essay is a personal event
Load More Replies... Yeesh. Even under 'ideal' circumstances adoption is a touchy subject. Any adopted child has lost at least one entire family, and even if it happened in infancy that is a trauma that has repercussions. If the teacher has been correct this would be worse! Let's dig through potentially your life's biggest tragedy as a class assignment so I can satisfy my morbid curiosity! Why not just ask if anyone wants to share their first sexual experience? A question I actually had a teacher manage to ask in an (adult) classroom setting BTW. And yes, I looked him dead in the eyes and said Sure! I was gang raped when I was 8 years old. Yah, I embarrassed him and shut down that class. That's what you get when you do stupid stuff as a teacher.
Efffing hell, WTF was the teacher asking about THAT for?
Load More Replies... Looks like the teacher automatically assumed that a same sex couple couldn’t have biological children, because her church taught her that you have to have a man and a woman (of childbearing age), who are married (of course), and have sex to make a baby. That’s only half true today. You actually just need some sperm, some eggs (because they don’t all “take”), a Petri dish, and a willing surrogate to have your biological child. No marriage. No sex. Just a good doctor, an excellent healthcare plan, and a load of spare cash lying around unused.
But now you're assuming she did it with ill intent because of religious reasons, I can see myself making a similar mistake, but that doesn't mean I'm intolerant.
Load More Replies... If OP is an AH - and I'm not saying that they are - then it's justified. The teacher should not be discussing any student's private business in front of the whole class, especially if it's something she just assumed about them.
It's not even the assumption. A teacher has no right discussing individual student's personal circumstances with the rest of the class, unless that student explicitly and willingly allows them to. As a gay man, I have to deal with being outed a lot. I am relatively open about it at work and lots of people know, so it is not the worst thing in the world. But it is my information to control.
I am adopted, and I usually don't mind when people talk about it but teachers are aware that they can not freely discus it with other students, as I am under witness protection, NTA, that sub needs to know her place.
JFC, the YTA and ESH are morons and completely miss the point. "Well, TECHNICALLY the sub was correct since HURR DURR BURR..." Having two dads still doesn't mean someone is adopted. There are several situations where the second dad wouldn't be a legal parent. Aside from the fact that in no situation should the sub either be making assumptions or talking about any students private life. What if OP actually didn't know they were adopted?
I had the opposite issue in high school. Year 10 biology and we had a genetics assignment. I was a bit of s**t at school, and I took full advantage of the situation. Some kids knew I was adopted and some teachers, this one didn't. I told her that I can't do the assignment, she told me that I'm doing it. I told her it's impossible for me to do the assignment, she starts getting frustrated and some of the other kids start giggling. This went for a bit until I told her I am adopted. She backtracked real quick but then asked if I can use my siblings... nope they no longer live at home. Ended up doing the assignment with my neighbours.
Honestly, I've seen this happen far too often. It needs schools to stop being so dim about the subject and recognise that we don't all have family we can point to.
Load More Replies... In high school English we had to keep a daily journal. I had always been basically a straight A student but at end of term, teacher who had just graduated from college, decided we had to turn in our journals so he could review them. I was like "he11 no!" I refused to give it to him so I got my first ever C.
On the first day of class I told a student 'Gee, I taught your older brother last year, but you don't look a thing like him." She replied "That's because I'm adopted." Struggling to recover, I managed to day "Wow, then you're parents sure know how to pick 'em, don't they?" Apparently this was the right answer, because I was a family favorite after that.
Having 2 same-sex parents in no way always a result of adoption or even surrogacy. I (M 50) was raised in a same-sex household. My bio-mom and dad divorced when I was 4. The assumption of adoption by the teacher definitely carries a value judgement about the OP's family. I salute the OP for turning the awkwardness back on the teacher. Families are complex; it is a teacher's place to be supportive of students, not to make assumptions and judgements about family arrangements.
Teachers should never ask students to write about any personal experiences, it's none of their business.
I mean, I am "legally adopted" by my biological father because in the 80s small town USA, they did not include the father on the birth certificate if the parents were unwed. Still raised by both bio parents from birth and have paperwork from where my parents had to literally save the money to get him added to my birth certificate and my name changed. Doesn't make me "adopted". SMDH
This is not ok! I am the parent of a adopted child and being adopted carried a very real trauma that some kids really embody and ßome don't. It is something very personal and not ok to out someone like that. I am happy you made this substitute rethink his approach. I bet each of your classes has at least 1 adopted child and most have to hide it and making a teacher rethink k how casually they being up.adoption, you did everyone who is really self continous about their adoption a favor. How families are formed should not be up for class discussion! Any teacher who makes people do a family tree are a******s. I guarantee each class has a child or more not living with biological family.
I think if OP had made a scene after the teacher had only made the suggestion, then yes YTA or ESH. But with the substitute not letting up about it, I'm definitely going with NTA.
Why is the teacher even making this particular suggestion though? It's inappropriate to bring it up like this even the once. Families can be very complicated and schools really need to catch on and catch up with that. Even the assignment is iffy - personal memoirs about something important? They're personal, that's the very point! Could have broadened the subject much more widely so that children don't feel that they have to dig around and come up with something revealing! Something funny they would like to share in a memoir style perhaps? Get them to use their imaginations and make something up. Did you not see the teacher's other 'helpful' suggestions? Way too personal.
Load More Replies... No one is noting this and I think it might be a unique point, but it hits me at a sore spot for a substitute (many teachers but especially a sub) to demand a student write something about things that are very personal and often traumatic. Like a buzzard. At least some teachers you get close to, and are familiar with, but a sub gets to pick through your drama and move on? It feels exploitative, honestly. I'd have felt the same way in school. Some subs feel like they try to pick you apart for the vicarious entertainment of it all. Not to say other teachers don't, but subs have a unique ability to do so and leave.
The teacher is allowed to be a total a*s and bring up a student's personal business for assignment fodder (a practice of which I am wildly disdainful), but the student is in the wrong. Protecting authorities for the sake of maintaining authority is what sets up an environment to be rife with abuse
I’m wondering why this teacher is going around saying they can write about very private personal stuff and that’s like their only option. Not about anything else. That’s messed up and none of her business. Your dads raised a beautiful person that handled it more maturely than I would. I would of raised a little more than just her anxiety
And this is why you never ever see family tree assignments any longer. It's a snake pit for many people, full of so much angst and turmoil.
Maybe for the ah teacher you should have made a picture graph of how you came to be. Daddy 1 met daddy 2, daddy 2 has a sister that offered to carry a baby for the 2 daddy's (just like a hetero couple that can't conceive) then along comes baby and makes a happy family.
Even so it’s not like this was a big omg im adopted situation. So nothing to write about. Completely out of line to talk about in class by the sub. There are privacy laws for a reason. They should be followed even in school. Ok the teacher didn’t know the circumstances but I doubt any kid with same sex parents doesn’t know that at least one parent isn’t the parent. And were adopted. It’s not shocking! It’s completely different to find out when you are a teen and have been led to believe otherwise. That would be a life altering situation but not this one.
I think she was told things from the real teacher as a way of connecting with them. She didn't have to go that far but may of been told everyone knows each other. She wasn't trying to be the bad substitute imo. She should of just been a little slower about it.
Actually, the OPs adoption/non-adoption status would make a great topic for the essay. He gets to school someone that has not been exposed to how gay families with children work and maybe help get them out of the 19th century.
I think this is hilarious. This student is going to go far! Well done.
NTA... but probably took it too far. Pretty funny for the class, but it would have been more impactful on the Sub's totally inappropriate behaviour if you had been more assertive about your objection, i.e. tell her that you aren't adopted, but if you were it would be completely inappropriate to announce personal information like that to the class. Counsellor needs to be more supportive of you and have a SERIOUS conversation with the SUB about whether they want to keep working as a SUB in a modern educational environment.
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