Mom Is Overjoyed To Be Pregnant With A Girl, Her Trans Daughter Feels It’s Insensitive To Her
Interview With Expert
When children decide that they disagree with the gender they were born in, there comes a process that poses challenges for them and the people close to them alike.
No matter how much parents love and accept their child, there are still quite a few adjustments they need to make in a situation like this, and, as this mom on Reddit shared, sometimes it’s easy to slip up. When she found out the gender of her second child, she couldn’t contain her happiness about being able to raise a baby girl, which upset her firstborn trans daughter. Scroll down to read the full story!
More info: Reddit
Being excited about having a child is wonderful, but when the baby is the same gender as your older trans kid, there are some things that shouldn’t be ignored
Image credits: Delia Giandeini (not the actual photo)
A woman at a gender reveal party was so excited to learn she was having a daughter she couldn’t contain her emotions
Image credits: Juan Encalada (not the actual photo)
Her older trans daughter was upset by the reaction, saying that it was insensitive as she already had a daughter
Image credits: u/Informal-Day-1716
The woman defended herself by saying that she came from a boys-only family, and for the first 8 years of her daughter’s life, she was also a boy, which drove them even further apart
The woman began by sharing that she has a 14-year-old trans daughter and is currently expecting another baby. According to the OP, she and the girl’s stepfather always supported the girl, and everything went great most of the time. However, recently, an issue arose when the poster’s in-laws threw her a gender reveal party for her second child.
When the woman learned she was pregnant with a baby girl, she got extremely excited to the point where she screamed and jumped. As she explained, this was due to having to grow up with boys everywhere in her family.
The woman’s daughter told her she felt it was insensitive of her to be that visibly excited about having a girl because she already had one daughter. To this, the OP replied that for the first 8 years of her firstborn’s life, she was a boy, so she didn’t get to enjoy the part of raising a daughter that came before that age.
The end of this interaction pushed them even further apart. This got the author wondering if she was really in the wrong or if it was just her daughter overreacting, which brought her to the AITA court.
The commenters had a lot to say about this. While most deemed that the OP was not a jerk in this situation, they also agreed that her daughter wasn’t an AH either and said that this situation could quickly turn into a much bigger issue if not addressed properly. However, some were also questioning if the bigger picture is really the way the poster portrayed it, as, in some places, her wording raised some questions.
Image credits: Matthew Ball (not the actual photo)
To try and figure out what really happened in this situation and how it should be approached further, Bored Panda got in touch with Laura Scarrone Bonhomme — a clinical psychologist specializing in gender, sexual, and relationship diversity and the co-founder/director of a trans and non-binary people support platform, Affirm.
The expert started by explaining that when a family is expecting a baby of the same gender as their older trans sibling, several complex issues might come with this. “This situation often touches on deep-seated societal norms and unconscious expectations about gender.”
“Questioning her own excitement might provide the mother with a better understanding of how her emotions might unintentionally feed into these societal biases, making the trans daughter feel invalidated in her gender,” explained Laura.
At the same time, some things come from the daughter’s side, as the teenage years are crucial in forming one’s identity. “The trans teen might be struggling with their sense of self as she might have witnessed common narratives that question the validity and reality of trans people’s gender feelings.”
The psychologist explained that while the girl might be sure of her identity, witnessing her mother’s excitement could bring out insecurities about how she’s perceived and make her feel like an impostor or “a lesser version of a daughter.”
And lastly, every older sibling experiences difficulties with changing family dynamics as the new baby arrives. “The older trans daughter might feel her unique place in the family is under threat, as she’ll have to share the attention and love that was once only hers.”
Image credits: Tima MIroshnichenko (not the actual photo)
According to Laura, these issues must be addressed, and this should be done using a mixture of open conversation, education, and reassurance. The older daughter should have a place where she feels safe to share her feelings, and the parents should reassure her of their unconditional love and acceptance, regardless of the family changes.
It’s also vital to involve the child in preparations for the new baby. “This not only cements her place in the family dynamics but also fosters a unique bond between the siblings,” explained the expert, adding that parents should also educate themselves and the family about gender diversity and inclusivity, as this ensures a supportive environment for everyone.
However, if the scenario is like the one we had in our story, the psychologist says that the key to fixing it lies in open, honest, and supportive communication. “If the parents’ reactions have caused upset, it’s essential to acknowledge this and try and, sometimes, even apologize. This demonstrates respect for the trans teen’s feelings,” added Laura, emphasizing that family therapy could be a valuable tool in these situations.
Ultimately, good communication can solve most difficulties, especially when it comes to family issues. While having a trans kid might require more education to communicate properly, there is plenty of fantastic material to learn from, just like this book co-written by Laura Scarrone Bonhomme. And so, in the OP’s situation, nothing is lost just yet as long as she puts in the effort needed.
What did you think of this story? How do you view the poster’s actions? Share your thoughts in the comments!
Most of the commenters said that neither the poster nor her daughter were jerks, but she should address this issue before it spirals out of control
Poll Question
Thanks! Check out the results:
Subscribe to Access
Exclusive Polls
By entering your email and clicking Subscribe, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. You are also agreeing to our Privacy Policy.
Thank you! You've successfully subscribed to newsletters!
You May Also Like
Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk
Do you think childless individuals should be expected to chip in for group babysitting costs during friend gatherings?
17 Y.O. Is Done Sharing Her Birthday With Her Late Twin, Parents Are Not Having It
Do you think the girl should be allowed to celebrate her birthday without the remembrance of her deceased twin?
Ok folks. Can we agree to ban or boycott anymore damn gender reveals?
Not before someone accidentally dies the entire Appalachia glitter pink because something went wrong again!
Load More Replies...
Mom is not in the wrong here, because she probably would’ve had the same reaction to a boy reveal & the teen would probably find fault with that as well (“oh, so, you’re upset that I’m now transitioning as a girl, but when I was a boy doesn’t count?”). That’s just the way a teen thinks, I’m afraid. As an auntie of 8, I’ve seen it & you just deal with it as patiently as you can. I’m the youngest of 4 girls myself & when my mum was excited about me, my sisters were 11, 13 & 15. All of them were so excited as well, especially my sister who was 11 at the time (she doted on me, babysitting me & even taking me off to hang with her friends). Give it time & I'm sure trans daughter will realise it’s silly to be petty & will dote on her little sister as a big sister should. 🙂💖👩👧
I totally agree with you AspieGirl88. I would add that I believe the elder daughter is still coming to terms with her own situation, and is clearly not wholly confident. Having trouble articulating myself, but even if she's sure in her own feelings, I feel she's struggling with actually coming out and the public reaction. She's projecting that. I think the Mum should drop the whole conversation about loving both equally and do some serious work showing her elder daughter that she fully supports her, will continue to do so and is proud of her and loves just as much as she always has. The girl needs reassurance, support and love. And the conversation needs to be about her, and her needs. Hope I'm making sense.
Load More Replies...
I understand both sides however "Your triggers are your responsibility. It isn't the worlds obligation to tiptoe around you."
This isn't the world we're talking about this is her mom. Parents need to be a soft place to fall sometimes. If my child was trans I would think it maybe wasn't such a great idea to have a party celebrating birth gender. If you think about it you're celebrating when you don't exactly know what gender they will identify as. Will they most likely identify as their birth gender...sure, but u never know and to put such an emphasis on it when your first child has struggled so much is bound to hurt. She should've just done a baby shower and not made such a big deal out of what gender the baby was gonna be.
Load More Replies... Maybe I get down voted but I would like to understand why is the mother using 'their' 'them' when she's talking about her first kid.
Those could be the pronouns her trans daughter chose to go with. I don't think it's a bad question to ask. Not everyone is knowledgeable about everything.
Load More Replies...
I get the young teen angst. And the in-laws threw the gender party (kind of over these) not the mom. Her wording of "first daughter" may have been a little wrong. However, not everything or everyone is out to get you. My best friend has a trans daughter (I met they when they were a young he) who went off on me about saying "she" vs. "they" - telling me I am an insensitive jerk. I stopped they and explained it from my perspective. 1. I'm old (55yo) 2. This is a new thing for me. Growing up, we had two genders and you were either one or the other. I explained it is a learning concept I am working on, and if I told you (they) to get into a stick-shift car, and drive to X without making any mistakes, could you do it? They asked me what is a stick-shift? *SMH I ended with, "Look. Sure there are a-holes who want to be mean. However not everyone is purposely targeting you. It will take time and I am learning." They accepted this point of view.
I'm all for compassion, understanding and tolerance. What I can't get on board with is living a life around someone's identity and feelings about their identity. It's okay that this mom's son wanted to transition to a girl, if that's what she truly wanted. But at 8, she says her son didn't feel right and then the parents discussed transitioning. Doesn't matter if it was in an age appropriate way, I have to wonder why discuss it at all and not just be supportive and observe where it would naturally lead to. I, and other girls I knew, had our tomboy phase. There was a time I wanted to be with the boys, look like a boy, act, dress like a boy. It didn't last. Now, with this baby shower gender reveal shindig, the mom could have just explained she's just happy to be having another gir.... omg. The mom says she's surrounded by boys in the family and openly wanted a girl. ... her first child was a boy with mom discussing transitioning from age 8 onward... then transitioned to a girl...... OMG!!!
Sorry in advance if you disagree, but I really suspect there's some coercion going on.
Load More Replies...
I’m never going to understand how it feels to have a body that doesn’t feel right. I’m cis-female and have never questioned it. Please, don’t be mean saying I’m cruel, lacking in empathy and so on. I make sure I remember and use the desired pronouns. I have taken care to treat those who present male, female or other in the same way as I treat those who were born that way. But, please, don’t ask me to fully comprehend something I can’t and don’t treat me as a horrible person when I admit I cannot relate.
I don't know that anyone is adding you to fully comprehend something you've never experienced. If they are, they're a**holes. Compassion, empathy, and respect, accepting someone for who they are, and not denying their experiences of their own lives. I think that's all anyone really wants from most people.
Load More Replies...
Giving birth to a son who now believes they're a girl is not the same as having a daughter. The trans child will never experience growing up as a girl, and the mother will never experience having a daughter as a trans girl. Sure, aspects of femininity can be imitated, but it's just not possible to pump hormones and Frankenstein someone enough to recreate the entire female maturational experience. It's just always going to be different.
Wish we could go back to the old gender reveals, i.e. when the doctor or midwife says, "congratulations , you have a son/daughter." Your first kid needs to realize that you had nothing to do with this baby being a girl. DNA is still male for the older one.
daught needs to deal with it and understand it's not ALL ABOUT her/it/ whatever. sounds very selfish and entitled trying to ruin mom's happy moment
Back in the day, we didn't know which we were having until we had them. These gender reveals seem just attention seeking silly to me, but *shrugs* it is "done" these days. Ok, if that's what you want, just clear up your mess after yourselves.
OP's reaction and their daughter's reaction to the reaction are an extremely complicated topic, which would probably surface at some other point in some form had there not been a gender reveal party. However, I will not let that deter me from my main thesis, which is GENDER REVEALS F**KING SUCK!
You don't have a daughter you have a confused son. And allowing him to treat you this way makes you a AH. I would take action if one of my kids ignored me.
NTA but neither is your daughter. I do think how you word things could be the issue sometimes. Stop calling her your trans daughter, she's your daughter and you shouldn't have said "was a boy", you should have said you was told she was a boy, until she told you otherwise. However, this could be more complex for your daughter her being born the wrong gender. You being pregnant may also be stirring other emotions. At 14, she may have just realised she won't ever experience that part of becoming a mother. That will cut as deep as being told your sterile to a biological female.
I might get super downvoted, but I think having a gender reveal party doesn't really lign up with being a supportive parent for a transitioning teenager. It's kinda tone deaf. If course OP can be super happy about a baby with a vagina, but on the other hand, shouldn't she have learned that the outer appearance of the body doesn't say a lot? She could have just declined the party and agree for a baby shower instead.
Woops, popped the make-believe bubble. OP spent the last 6 years constructing that bubble for kid#1, so, YTA but not for the reason she thinks.
Typical trans insanity. It's always about how others have to be super sensitive around them. F**k that. They want to be a woman? Fine. Go ahead and be one but leave others alone with your imagined unfairness of life.
Typical a*****e insanity. It's always about how others have to be super sensitive to their hate and bigotry. You want to be a d******d? Fine. Go ahead and be one but leave others alone with your recreational outrage and ignorance.
Load More Replies...
NTA at all. This is part of reality. It is simple. Mother gave birth to a boy who now wants to be a girl physically, but is stating they are a girl now pre-transition. Mother will now give birth to a girl. Whether I get hate or not, I have a feeling her current child has been saying they are a girl for the attention of it all for years. As soon as that attention was given to their soon-to-be new sibling, the current child wants to throw a fit and have the attention... go to them instead of their new sibling. This is ridiculous. Current kid needs to get over themselves and be happy for the new addition to the family. The mother didn't do anything spiteful or rude or offensive. She is simply celebrating a girl being born into the family for the first time in a long time which is a true statement. Her current kid seems insufferable. Get used to it mother; current kid is about to blame you for a whole lot more.
Believe you me, no-one wants the attention trans people get. It's nasty.
Load More Replies...
Absolutely NTA. Of course she is excited to he having a baby girl after so many brothers and sons etc. The eldest child is acting like a teenage brat! But... these gender reveals need to stop. They aren't to do with gender..they are revealing the sex of the baby.
Her son needs to chill and get professional help that will not just enable them. She has the right to be excited for her daughters birth.
Do you have trouble typing with the white hood over your head?
Load More Replies...
She could have just hugged her firstborn and yelled "yay! One more of us!"
I say NTA about being excited that the baby is a girl, but it does sound pretty YTA that she openly told her trans daughter that she's excited that this will be her first "born" daughter. That's super insensitive!
I think that the trans girl is unsecure. But that doesn't give her the right to take away the joy of the parents of being happy about a girl.
Load More Replies...
Ok folks. Can we agree to ban or boycott anymore damn gender reveals?
Not before someone accidentally dies the entire Appalachia glitter pink because something went wrong again!
Load More Replies... Mom is not in the wrong here, because she probably would’ve had the same reaction to a boy reveal & the teen would probably find fault with that as well (“oh, so, you’re upset that I’m now transitioning as a girl, but when I was a boy doesn’t count?”). That’s just the way a teen thinks, I’m afraid. As an auntie of 8, I’ve seen it & you just deal with it as patiently as you can. I’m the youngest of 4 girls myself & when my mum was excited about me, my sisters were 11, 13 & 15. All of them were so excited as well, especially my sister who was 11 at the time (she doted on me, babysitting me & even taking me off to hang with her friends). Give it time & I'm sure trans daughter will realise it’s silly to be petty & will dote on her little sister as a big sister should. 🙂💖👩👧
I totally agree with you AspieGirl88. I would add that I believe the elder daughter is still coming to terms with her own situation, and is clearly not wholly confident. Having trouble articulating myself, but even if she's sure in her own feelings, I feel she's struggling with actually coming out and the public reaction. She's projecting that. I think the Mum should drop the whole conversation about loving both equally and do some serious work showing her elder daughter that she fully supports her, will continue to do so and is proud of her and loves just as much as she always has. The girl needs reassurance, support and love. And the conversation needs to be about her, and her needs. Hope I'm making sense.
Load More Replies... I understand both sides however "Your triggers are your responsibility. It isn't the worlds obligation to tiptoe around you."
This isn't the world we're talking about this is her mom. Parents need to be a soft place to fall sometimes. If my child was trans I would think it maybe wasn't such a great idea to have a party celebrating birth gender. If you think about it you're celebrating when you don't exactly know what gender they will identify as. Will they most likely identify as their birth gender...sure, but u never know and to put such an emphasis on it when your first child has struggled so much is bound to hurt. She should've just done a baby shower and not made such a big deal out of what gender the baby was gonna be.
Load More Replies... Maybe I get down voted but I would like to understand why is the mother using 'their' 'them' when she's talking about her first kid.
Those could be the pronouns her trans daughter chose to go with. I don't think it's a bad question to ask. Not everyone is knowledgeable about everything.
Load More Replies... I get the young teen angst. And the in-laws threw the gender party (kind of over these) not the mom. Her wording of "first daughter" may have been a little wrong. However, not everything or everyone is out to get you. My best friend has a trans daughter (I met they when they were a young he) who went off on me about saying "she" vs. "they" - telling me I am an insensitive jerk. I stopped they and explained it from my perspective. 1. I'm old (55yo) 2. This is a new thing for me. Growing up, we had two genders and you were either one or the other. I explained it is a learning concept I am working on, and if I told you (they) to get into a stick-shift car, and drive to X without making any mistakes, could you do it? They asked me what is a stick-shift? *SMH I ended with, "Look. Sure there are a-holes who want to be mean. However not everyone is purposely targeting you. It will take time and I am learning." They accepted this point of view.
I'm all for compassion, understanding and tolerance. What I can't get on board with is living a life around someone's identity and feelings about their identity. It's okay that this mom's son wanted to transition to a girl, if that's what she truly wanted. But at 8, she says her son didn't feel right and then the parents discussed transitioning. Doesn't matter if it was in an age appropriate way, I have to wonder why discuss it at all and not just be supportive and observe where it would naturally lead to. I, and other girls I knew, had our tomboy phase. There was a time I wanted to be with the boys, look like a boy, act, dress like a boy. It didn't last. Now, with this baby shower gender reveal shindig, the mom could have just explained she's just happy to be having another gir.... omg. The mom says she's surrounded by boys in the family and openly wanted a girl. ... her first child was a boy with mom discussing transitioning from age 8 onward... then transitioned to a girl...... OMG!!!
Sorry in advance if you disagree, but I really suspect there's some coercion going on.
Load More Replies... I’m never going to understand how it feels to have a body that doesn’t feel right. I’m cis-female and have never questioned it. Please, don’t be mean saying I’m cruel, lacking in empathy and so on. I make sure I remember and use the desired pronouns. I have taken care to treat those who present male, female or other in the same way as I treat those who were born that way. But, please, don’t ask me to fully comprehend something I can’t and don’t treat me as a horrible person when I admit I cannot relate.
I don't know that anyone is adding you to fully comprehend something you've never experienced. If they are, they're a**holes. Compassion, empathy, and respect, accepting someone for who they are, and not denying their experiences of their own lives. I think that's all anyone really wants from most people.
Load More Replies... Giving birth to a son who now believes they're a girl is not the same as having a daughter. The trans child will never experience growing up as a girl, and the mother will never experience having a daughter as a trans girl. Sure, aspects of femininity can be imitated, but it's just not possible to pump hormones and Frankenstein someone enough to recreate the entire female maturational experience. It's just always going to be different.
Wish we could go back to the old gender reveals, i.e. when the doctor or midwife says, "congratulations , you have a son/daughter." Your first kid needs to realize that you had nothing to do with this baby being a girl. DNA is still male for the older one.
daught needs to deal with it and understand it's not ALL ABOUT her/it/ whatever. sounds very selfish and entitled trying to ruin mom's happy moment
Back in the day, we didn't know which we were having until we had them. These gender reveals seem just attention seeking silly to me, but *shrugs* it is "done" these days. Ok, if that's what you want, just clear up your mess after yourselves.
OP's reaction and their daughter's reaction to the reaction are an extremely complicated topic, which would probably surface at some other point in some form had there not been a gender reveal party. However, I will not let that deter me from my main thesis, which is GENDER REVEALS F**KING SUCK!
You don't have a daughter you have a confused son. And allowing him to treat you this way makes you a AH. I would take action if one of my kids ignored me.
NTA but neither is your daughter. I do think how you word things could be the issue sometimes. Stop calling her your trans daughter, she's your daughter and you shouldn't have said "was a boy", you should have said you was told she was a boy, until she told you otherwise. However, this could be more complex for your daughter her being born the wrong gender. You being pregnant may also be stirring other emotions. At 14, she may have just realised she won't ever experience that part of becoming a mother. That will cut as deep as being told your sterile to a biological female.
I might get super downvoted, but I think having a gender reveal party doesn't really lign up with being a supportive parent for a transitioning teenager. It's kinda tone deaf. If course OP can be super happy about a baby with a vagina, but on the other hand, shouldn't she have learned that the outer appearance of the body doesn't say a lot? She could have just declined the party and agree for a baby shower instead.
Woops, popped the make-believe bubble. OP spent the last 6 years constructing that bubble for kid#1, so, YTA but not for the reason she thinks.
Typical trans insanity. It's always about how others have to be super sensitive around them. F**k that. They want to be a woman? Fine. Go ahead and be one but leave others alone with your imagined unfairness of life.
Typical a*****e insanity. It's always about how others have to be super sensitive to their hate and bigotry. You want to be a d******d? Fine. Go ahead and be one but leave others alone with your recreational outrage and ignorance.
Load More Replies... NTA at all. This is part of reality. It is simple. Mother gave birth to a boy who now wants to be a girl physically, but is stating they are a girl now pre-transition. Mother will now give birth to a girl. Whether I get hate or not, I have a feeling her current child has been saying they are a girl for the attention of it all for years. As soon as that attention was given to their soon-to-be new sibling, the current child wants to throw a fit and have the attention... go to them instead of their new sibling. This is ridiculous. Current kid needs to get over themselves and be happy for the new addition to the family. The mother didn't do anything spiteful or rude or offensive. She is simply celebrating a girl being born into the family for the first time in a long time which is a true statement. Her current kid seems insufferable. Get used to it mother; current kid is about to blame you for a whole lot more.
Believe you me, no-one wants the attention trans people get. It's nasty.
Load More Replies... Absolutely NTA. Of course she is excited to he having a baby girl after so many brothers and sons etc. The eldest child is acting like a teenage brat! But... these gender reveals need to stop. They aren't to do with gender..they are revealing the sex of the baby.
Her son needs to chill and get professional help that will not just enable them. She has the right to be excited for her daughters birth.
Do you have trouble typing with the white hood over your head?
Load More Replies... She could have just hugged her firstborn and yelled "yay! One more of us!"
I say NTA about being excited that the baby is a girl, but it does sound pretty YTA that she openly told her trans daughter that she's excited that this will be her first "born" daughter. That's super insensitive!
I think that the trans girl is unsecure. But that doesn't give her the right to take away the joy of the parents of being happy about a girl.
Load More Replies... 
-23
86