Mom Is Overjoyed To Be Pregnant With A Girl, Her Trans Daughter Feels It’s Insensitive To Her
Interview With Expert
When children decide that they disagree with the gender they were born in, there comes a process that poses challenges for them and the people close to them alike.
No matter how much parents love and accept their child, there are still quite a few adjustments they need to make in a situation like this, and, as this mom on Reddit shared, sometimes it’s easy to slip up. When she found out the gender of her second child, she couldn’t contain her happiness about being able to raise a baby girl, which upset her firstborn trans daughter. Scroll down to read the full story!
More info: Reddit
Being excited about having a child is wonderful, but when the baby is the same gender as your older trans kid, there are some things that shouldn’t be ignored
Image credits: Delia Giandeini (not the actual photo)
A woman at a gender reveal party was so excited to learn she was having a daughter she couldn’t contain her emotions
Image credits: Juan Encalada (not the actual photo)
Her older trans daughter was upset by the reaction, saying that it was insensitive as she already had a daughter
Image credits: u/Informal-Day-1716
The woman defended herself by saying that she came from a boys-only family, and for the first 8 years of her daughter’s life, she was also a boy, which drove them even further apart
The woman began by sharing that she has a 14-year-old trans daughter and is currently expecting another baby. According to the OP, she and the girl’s stepfather always supported the girl, and everything went great most of the time. However, recently, an issue arose when the poster’s in-laws threw her a gender reveal party for her second child.
When the woman learned she was pregnant with a baby girl, she got extremely excited to the point where she screamed and jumped. As she explained, this was due to having to grow up with boys everywhere in her family.
The woman’s daughter told her she felt it was insensitive of her to be that visibly excited about having a girl because she already had one daughter. To this, the OP replied that for the first 8 years of her firstborn’s life, she was a boy, so she didn’t get to enjoy the part of raising a daughter that came before that age.
The end of this interaction pushed them even further apart. This got the author wondering if she was really in the wrong or if it was just her daughter overreacting, which brought her to the AITA court.
The commenters had a lot to say about this. While most deemed that the OP was not a jerk in this situation, they also agreed that her daughter wasn’t an AH either and said that this situation could quickly turn into a much bigger issue if not addressed properly. However, some were also questioning if the bigger picture is really the way the poster portrayed it, as, in some places, her wording raised some questions.
Image credits: Matthew Ball (not the actual photo)
To try and figure out what really happened in this situation and how it should be approached further, Bored Panda got in touch with Laura Scarrone Bonhomme — a clinical psychologist specializing in gender, sexual, and relationship diversity and the co-founder/director of a trans and non-binary people support platform, Affirm.
The expert started by explaining that when a family is expecting a baby of the same gender as their older trans sibling, several complex issues might come with this. “This situation often touches on deep-seated societal norms and unconscious expectations about gender.”
“Questioning her own excitement might provide the mother with a better understanding of how her emotions might unintentionally feed into these societal biases, making the trans daughter feel invalidated in her gender,” explained Laura.
At the same time, some things come from the daughter’s side, as the teenage years are crucial in forming one’s identity. “The trans teen might be struggling with their sense of self as she might have witnessed common narratives that question the validity and reality of trans people’s gender feelings.”
The psychologist explained that while the girl might be sure of her identity, witnessing her mother’s excitement could bring out insecurities about how she’s perceived and make her feel like an impostor or “a lesser version of a daughter.”
And lastly, every older sibling experiences difficulties with changing family dynamics as the new baby arrives. “The older trans daughter might feel her unique place in the family is under threat, as she’ll have to share the attention and love that was once only hers.”
Image credits: Tima MIroshnichenko (not the actual photo)
According to Laura, these issues must be addressed, and this should be done using a mixture of open conversation, education, and reassurance. The older daughter should have a place where she feels safe to share her feelings, and the parents should reassure her of their unconditional love and acceptance, regardless of the family changes.
It’s also vital to involve the child in preparations for the new baby. “This not only cements her place in the family dynamics but also fosters a unique bond between the siblings,” explained the expert, adding that parents should also educate themselves and the family about gender diversity and inclusivity, as this ensures a supportive environment for everyone.
However, if the scenario is like the one we had in our story, the psychologist says that the key to fixing it lies in open, honest, and supportive communication. “If the parents’ reactions have caused upset, it’s essential to acknowledge this and try and, sometimes, even apologize. This demonstrates respect for the trans teen’s feelings,” added Laura, emphasizing that family therapy could be a valuable tool in these situations.
Ultimately, good communication can solve most difficulties, especially when it comes to family issues. While having a trans kid might require more education to communicate properly, there is plenty of fantastic material to learn from, just like this book co-written by Laura Scarrone Bonhomme. And so, in the OP’s situation, nothing is lost just yet as long as she puts in the effort needed.
What did you think of this story? How do you view the poster’s actions? Share your thoughts in the comments!
Most of the commenters said that neither the poster nor her daughter were jerks, but she should address this issue before it spirals out of control
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Ok folks. Can we agree to ban or boycott anymore damn gender reveals?
Not before someone accidentally dies the entire Appalachia glitter pink because something went wrong again!
Load More Replies...
Mom is not in the wrong here, because she probably would’ve had the same reaction to a boy reveal & the teen would probably find fault with that as well (“oh, so, you’re upset that I’m now transitioning as a girl, but when I was a boy doesn’t count?”). That’s just the way a teen thinks, I’m afraid. As an auntie of 8, I’ve seen it & you just deal with it as patiently as you can. I’m the youngest of 4 girls myself & when my mum was excited about me, my sisters were 11, 13 & 15. All of them were so excited as well, especially my sister who was 11 at the time (she doted on me, babysitting me & even taking me off to hang with her friends). Give it time & I'm sure trans daughter will realise it’s silly to be petty & will dote on her little sister as a big sister should. 🙂💖👩👧
I totally agree with you AspieGirl88. I would add that I believe the elder daughter is still coming to terms with her own situation, and is clearly not wholly confident. Having trouble articulating myself, but even if she's sure in her own feelings, I feel she's struggling with actually coming out and the public reaction. She's projecting that. I think the Mum should drop the whole conversation about loving both equally and do some serious work showing her elder daughter that she fully supports her, will continue to do so and is proud of her and loves just as much as she always has. The girl needs reassurance, support and love. And the conversation needs to be about her, and her needs. Hope I'm making sense.
Load More Replies...
I understand both sides however "Your triggers are your responsibility. It isn't the worlds obligation to tiptoe around you."
This isn't the world we're talking about this is her mom. Parents need to be a soft place to fall sometimes. If my child was trans I would think it maybe wasn't such a great idea to have a party celebrating birth gender. If you think about it you're celebrating when you don't exactly know what gender they will identify as. Will they most likely identify as their birth gender...sure, but u never know and to put such an emphasis on it when your first child has struggled so much is bound to hurt. She should've just done a baby shower and not made such a big deal out of what gender the baby was gonna be.
Load More Replies...
Ok folks. Can we agree to ban or boycott anymore damn gender reveals?
Not before someone accidentally dies the entire Appalachia glitter pink because something went wrong again!
Load More Replies... Mom is not in the wrong here, because she probably would’ve had the same reaction to a boy reveal & the teen would probably find fault with that as well (“oh, so, you’re upset that I’m now transitioning as a girl, but when I was a boy doesn’t count?”). That’s just the way a teen thinks, I’m afraid. As an auntie of 8, I’ve seen it & you just deal with it as patiently as you can. I’m the youngest of 4 girls myself & when my mum was excited about me, my sisters were 11, 13 & 15. All of them were so excited as well, especially my sister who was 11 at the time (she doted on me, babysitting me & even taking me off to hang with her friends). Give it time & I'm sure trans daughter will realise it’s silly to be petty & will dote on her little sister as a big sister should. 🙂💖👩👧
I totally agree with you AspieGirl88. I would add that I believe the elder daughter is still coming to terms with her own situation, and is clearly not wholly confident. Having trouble articulating myself, but even if she's sure in her own feelings, I feel she's struggling with actually coming out and the public reaction. She's projecting that. I think the Mum should drop the whole conversation about loving both equally and do some serious work showing her elder daughter that she fully supports her, will continue to do so and is proud of her and loves just as much as she always has. The girl needs reassurance, support and love. And the conversation needs to be about her, and her needs. Hope I'm making sense.
Load More Replies... I understand both sides however "Your triggers are your responsibility. It isn't the worlds obligation to tiptoe around you."
This isn't the world we're talking about this is her mom. Parents need to be a soft place to fall sometimes. If my child was trans I would think it maybe wasn't such a great idea to have a party celebrating birth gender. If you think about it you're celebrating when you don't exactly know what gender they will identify as. Will they most likely identify as their birth gender...sure, but u never know and to put such an emphasis on it when your first child has struggled so much is bound to hurt. She should've just done a baby shower and not made such a big deal out of what gender the baby was gonna be.
Load More Replies...
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