Parents Want To Downsize, Expect Their 19-Year-Old To Move Out
Interview With Expert
Having your children move out of your home can be a bittersweet moment. However, if you’re forcing your kids to leave the nest with very little warning, things can get very emotionally messy… especially in this economy.
One anonymous redditor shared how they decided to downsize for their early retirement. However, this meant that they were effectively kicking out their youngest child, who was 19 years old at the time. The OP turned to the internet for advice, but a lot of readers were appalled by how they handled the situation. They weren’t against early retirement, just how everything went down. Read on for the full story.
Bored Panda wanted to learn more about raising kids to be more independent and what to keep in mind when retiring early, so we got in touch with personal finance expert Sam Dogen. He is the author of the bestselling severance negotiation book, ‘How To Engineer Your Layoff’ and the host of the ‘Financial Samurai’ blog which kickstarted the FIRE (financial independence, retire early) movement back in 2009.
Many people hope to retire early, which is a great goal. However, it matters a lot how they implement this plan and who else depends on them
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION (not the actual photo)
For example, one couple completely surprised their youngest child when they decided to sell their house
Image credits: Timur Weber (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Dry-Pen-8084
It’s very useful for kids to learn to be independent early on, but in some cases, it makes sense to live with your parents to save on rent
We asked personal finance expert Dogen about when kids should leave their parents’ homes, as welll as how parents can raise their children to have a sense of financial independence from an early age. According to the host of the ‘Financial Samurai’ blog, there’s no set age when parents should leave.
“However, the sooner they leave after age 18, the sooner children will figure out how to live independently, do their own chores, learn how to cohabitate with others, and make money on their own. Learning adulting is important!” he told Bored Panda via email.
“Going to college is the first step for many young adults figuring out how to live independently. College graduates should be willing to move anywhere they get the best job offer possible. A young adult’s focus should be on finding a career that fits their desires and making as much money as possible to become independent,” he said.
However, Dogen noted that there are some exceptions. “If the adult son or daughter has found a promising job in the same city where their parents live, why not return to their childhood home to save money on rent? After several years of living at home, the son or daughter could amass a healthy nest egg to then go off and live on their own. Relying on The Bank Of Mom & Dad to perpetually provide when they have their own retirement and goals to think about is not a good long-term strategy,” he said.
“After age 18, a parent’s responsibility to raise their children is technically over in America. Hence, the parents who sold their house to retire early and look after their own needs should feel free to do whatever they want. The 19-year-old son should see this situation as great motivation to figure things out on his own,” Dogen referred to the situation in the anonymous internet post.
“If you really want your parents to help you as an adult, here are some tips I’ve devised on how to get your parents to pay for everything as an adult child!”
If you want to retire early, it’s paramount that you’re intentional with everything that you do
We were curious to hear the expert’s thoughts on retiring early. He told us that someone whose goal it is to do this cannot rely purely on luck. “As someone who kickstarted the modern-day FIRE movement in 2009 with the launch of Financial Samurai, trying to retire early is not easy. It takes a tremendous amount of planning, saving, careful investing, and discipline. You can’t achieve financial independence and retire early by winging it. You must be extremely intentional,” Dogen told Bored Panda.
“With a shortened timeline for work and saving, the person trying to retire early has a lot more pressure. As a result, a son or daughter trying to depend on their adult parents after they become adults puts added stress on their parents. If you have FIRE-minded parents, and you love them, then your goal should be to try and be financially independent ASAP to allow them to live out their early retirement goals,” he explained that the situation isn’t always one-sided and that kids should look for ways to help their parents as well.
“If you retire early, you could be looking at decades more of life to provide for without a steady job. As a result, it is imperative to build as many passive income streams as possible. Your investment portfolio, which includes real estate, should ideally outperform inflation each year so your purchasing power continues to increase in retirement. It takes a long time to generate passive income, which is why I highly encourage everyone to start today.”
Proper communication and setting clear expectations are fundamental to good parenting
As we’ve covered on Bored Panda recently, balanced parenting is all about enforcing firm boundaries while also providing unconditional love and support for children. When parents establish clear guidelines for acceptable behavior, their kids live with a sense of security and predictability.
This is incredibly healthy for their growth, as well as their emotional well-being. Parents who do this raise kids who are not only emotionally resilient and mentally healthy, but also excel in academics.
It’s vital to remember that every single child in a family is a unique individual with different wants, needs, goals, and fears. That’s why it’s important to be adaptable and not use a one-size-fits-all approach when raising them.
The core issue in the author’s post is that they and their wife wanted to retire early without properly communicating this to their family. In order to do so, they decided to sell their house and downsize. That way, they could travel more easily and have more funds available for their other passions.
In and of itself, there’s nothing wrong with that: it’s a financial strategy. And retiring early is a dream for many people. However (and this is a big ‘however’), there’s more context here. Yes, they were selling the house, but they still had their youngest child living with them and fully relying on them for room and board.
The problem isn’t the downsizing itself per se—it’s how it was done. The OP explained that they gave their kid barely 3 months’ notice that he’ll have to live completely on his own. Though being independent is a very valuable thing, it might be somewhat unfair to demand that someone radically change their life in a single season.
Few people enjoy being forced to drastically change their lives at the drop of a hat
Not only that but the author’s youngest pointed out that his siblings were able to live at home with their parents until after college. Now, the 19-year-old is forced to find a job, take care of his own education, and find a place to live. That can be overwhelming for anyone. Especially for someone who was lucky enough to have caring, financially stable parents.
It’s a question of unmet expectations. Yes, the OP’s youngest child might legally be an adult. However, there’s something iffy about parents who prioritize their freedom and passions in life over their children. Having kids means that you’re responsible for their welfare. Having kids means that, more often than not, you have to look for compromises and put some of your needs second.
Does this mean that all parents should take care of their children forever and ever? Obviously, not. Children need to learn the importance of being independent. However, this doesn’t happen in a vacuum. If their parents never nurture this spark of independence, they can’t suddenly rush in and demand them to, effectively, sink or swim. If you want to set up your child for success in the future, you need to keep them in the loop about your financial goals and desire to retire early.
Moreover, there’s the time frame to consider. Three months isn’t a lot of time to overhaul your entire life. It’s doable, yes, but it’s likely to be filled with stress and angst and frustration. Setting expectations earlier in life would have been much, much better.
When there’s more time to get used to the new reality, the situation becomes less of a “they kicked me out” kind of drama and more of a “they’re helping me rely more on myself” kind of thing. Again, it’s vital that parents communicate their financial and other expectations with their kids from an earlier age, instead of doing everything at the last minute.
Many young adults still live with their parents. This depends a lot on the economy and local culture
In recent years, there has been a surge of people moving back in to live with their parents, in order to save money… or just to make ends meet. As CBC points out, in 2021, just over a third of all Canadian young adults under 34 years if age were living with at least one of their parents. This was around a 5% increase from 2001 to 2021.
According to the Pew Research Center, in July 2020, a whopping 52% of American 18 to 29-year-olds lived with their parents. This was a stark rise from 47% in February of that same year. This was closely related to the Covid-19 pandemic.
Fast forward to 2021 and around a third of American adults aged 18 to 34 lived in their parents’ homes. The situation was similar in Europe, with just over a third of young adults doing so. However, far from every European country is alike. For instance, 77% of young adults are living with their parents in Croatia and 73% in Greece.
This number is 72% in Portugal, 71% in Serbia, as well as in Italy. On the flip side, barely 18% of young adults lived with their parents in Finland in 2021. Just 17% did so in Sweden and barely 16% in Denmark.
Cultural traditions, as well as the economic climate, have a lot to do with people’s decisions to move out, keep living at home, or move back in.
Many internet users were appalled by how the parents handled the situation. Here are a few of their thoughts
Some readers were on the parents’ side, however, their opinions were very unpopular
This has to be fake right? Putting their life on hold? You @ssholes chose to have kids. He's still a teenager ffs. Downsize to a 2 bedroom and take him along. Do whatever travelling and have him there to take care of the house. He doesn't need a babysitter, he needs a home and parents who give a shït.
On the one hand that sub is riddled with fake stories. On the other hand, parents have done far, far worse things. *gestures at the existence of the foster system*
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For non-Americans who aren't aware: there is no longer ANY area left in the entire country where a person working a full-time job paying minimum wage can afford to rent or buy a home. Forget whether this kid is 15, 19, or 29. He could try so, so hard to get a job in the first place (no small feat; could easily take months and months) and unless he's somehow going to score a position above entry level, which is seriously unlikely for a 19-year-old who hasn't even had time to finish his bachelor's... he's still basically f*cked. If he's still in school and could only work part-time, he's even more f*cked. Speaking for myself, I didn't WANT to be living with my parents at 19, and certainly not in my early twenties. But if my parents had told me at 19 that I had a few months to establish complete financial independence and leave, I would've had to quit school and frantically line up at least 2 jobs just to have enough money to pay for, like, transportation to and from work, a bed at a youth hostel or something, and cheap food. No way could I have afforded my medications or gone to the doctor or dentist or basic clothes or shoes or the laundromat or anything else like that. I can't imagine how I would've avoided homelessness. I am by no means terribly disadvanged. I'm white from a middle class well-educated family, so I would not have faced racial prejudice seeking a job. I would not have struggled with reading through forms. I would not have lacked people to call for advice. But this country is economically BROKEN. NO ONE can afford to LIVE on minimum wage. HEALTH CARE puts people in insurmountable debt EVERY DAY. If I need to go to the ER, it costs me $200... AND I *HAVE* HEALTH CARE. I live in a big city, and a QUART of ordinary 2% cow's milk costs me FIVE DOLLARS. When I do my laundry at the local laundromat, I have to pay more than $10 worth of QUARTERS for ONE entirely self-service double load wash and dry using my own detergent. Like... are people getting it? That kid is fortunate to have siblings who are going to make sure he doesn't end up camping out under a bridge.
This is happening everywhere in the world, not just the USA. Otherwise, I completely agree with your post.
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There are a couple bits I’m stuck on but one that stands out to me is that this couple is 45 and looking to retire. I don’t understand the urgency to do it right now when it’s such a ridiculously early age to retire. The other bit is the inequality between children. I have an older brother and he is the worshiped golden child. Being treated so differently than your siblings isn’t fair and really hurts. You can feel unimportant, unworthy, and unloved. These two bits together, I think it would be best to wait until the son is 22 and done with college. I understand at 19 he can get a job and roommates and he would very likely survive, but waiting 3 years to retire and treating your children equally sounds very reasonable and possible to me.
I don't see why the parents can't include their son in their plans. Like a two-bedroom house is already way smaller. Retire and travel anywhere you like. Son can go to school and live in the house. So house, plants and pets are taken care of as well.
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Imagine prioritizing your damn retirement over your own children! And then this line, "Ohooo, we don't want to put our retirement on hold for our son.", that's the most arrogant thing I've heard all week! If you have children, that's exactly what this means you'll do - putting your life on hold until they've grown up and moved out. They even did that for the other two kids, what a way to play favoritism. There's also no reason to retire at 45 (I wanna be honest, I'd be bored to death to do nothing but traveling for literally half of my life), give these two a whack into their butts with steel tip shoes.
The crazy thing is they don't even have to put their retirement on hold, they just have to budget a couple hundred dollars for a second room. As an adult is not like they have to arrange child care for him when they fly overseas. Even having him pay two or $300 a month is better than kicking him to the wind with a 3-month notice. 😳
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I think this points out something a lot of parents with multiple children don’t realize. The oldest two children get a lot more parent supervision, focus, attention and supervision. Generally, kid 5,6,7 and so on don’t get those things… they usually end up raising themselves and sometimes their siblings. Like in the situation above the younger children get shafted because parents are tired, burnt out, want to retire, focused on their older kids, and so on. Don’t have multiple kids if you can’t provide equal time, focus and attention to all of your kids. I know this isn’t in every family, but I see it in every family that I know.
I'm agreeing with everything you said. I'm the 4th (and last) child. I basically raised myself as my siblings are much older than myself and my "parents" ran out of steam. I basically raised myself and I'm emotionally and mentally stunted. I'm now 53 and there is no way in hell that my children would be put in that position. Children are like pets......they are for life, not just an occasion. You don't just stop supporting your kids just because they're of legal age.
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They should move to a place with a room for him then when they travel they have a free house sitter. The difference between a one bed and two bed is negligible in the long run. This is a f*****g win win ...apart from the fact the son has to live with two arseholes.
Yeah, i don‘t really see how their plans couldn‘t have been done with him included. Often a 2 bedroom house/ apartment will not be much more expensive anyways. Plus, free house sitter and if they care about money that much, charge a small rent from him.
Load More Replies... If you've decided that you want to treat one child worse than the others, at the very least, let them know early what they need to prepare for (financially, mentally, life skill wise) Sure, it's "entitlement". The kid is entitled to the same treatment as his siblings and fair warning that he has to change his entire life. My vote is to downsize from a 4 bed to a 2 bed. Why wouldn't you? Also, wtf is this retiring at 45? What are they going to do with the other half of their lives? I think a lot of people who retire at 45 are back doing some kind of work after they've spent everything they've saved.
It's usually like a "do what you love" instead of doing what pays the bills. But you are right if your retired to sit around studies show you die sooner. Hobbies or gigs that you would normally have to ignore if you had a corporate job or what would probably fill your time.
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Has everyone overlooked the fact they are giving him a few months notice too. I feel the sense of urgency is adding more pressure to the situation. I understand wanting to retire early but don't throw your kid out over it.
Especially when it would be easy for them to just take him along to the smaller house they buy. I've had major issues with my parents, but any time I've needed a place to live, they've taken me in. They've done that for all their kids, a few nieces and nephews, and even some strangers. Imperfect they may be, but my parents don't leave people in the cold.
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WTF kind of parents are they? Mother of 4, here, and our kids always knew they could stay until they were good and ready to spread their wings and fly on their own. And we didn't "downsize" as soon as the last one had gone. First we love our house, and second, it's big enough to welcome them and their own kids when they visit. Which they do, to our great pleasure, while I think those "parents" would consider it an annoyance. Their loss.
My auntie and uncle literally built a guesthouse on their farm large enough to house their daughter's family (8 children) so they could see their grandkids more often. My parents just bought new living room furniture so there is more seating for their grandchildren. Most parents of adult kids design their homes/lives around, you know, keeping a relationship with the families they raised rather than going off to party.
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I am older and people who say "well, when I was younger..." B******t! It isn't like it was in 2008 or any other time. Income hasn't kept up with costs even a little bit. Comparing what it was like 15-20 years ago is idiotic. They didn't just change the rules, they changed the sport! I am so glad I am too old for this s**t and plan to help my kids and grandkids to the best of my ability. These shortsighted a******s can enjoy their retirement alone because their kids won't want them.
I don't always agree with you, R Dennis, but you're one of the good ones.
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Probably thought they'd be on that posh round-the-world cruise ship for the next three years. Bummer, no ship for them.
Do you get the feeling they'll spend all their savings in like, ten years and then expect their kids to take them in?
Load More Replies... They act as if they are 70 and having a 40 year old child living with them. Why make 3 kids if you are unwilling to see them all through to standing on their own two feet. What's a few more years to wait for the last one to finish college in peace?
My parents are in their 60s and have one child in their 40s living with them (me). I am not lazy, addicted, or unwilling to work; I'm highly educated but dealing with severe mental illness. I'm working hard in treatment, and I do take in freelance work as much as I'm able, but right now, I need family support to manage and get me a chance at having a healthier future. My family gives it. That's how it's supposed to go. If those parents cast that kid out like they want to, they're burning that relationship to ashes, and they'll never get it back. And he'll eventually be in therapy, discussing his rage at his parents and his difficulty in sustaining relationships because of his fear of abandonment.
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I was friends with a person whose birth was a surprise. Her parents talked openly about how her being pushed their retirement out by years. Her entire life she was treated like an impediment to their 'better life'. Finally, after berating her to join the service, (they rejected her) at 18, they rented her an apartment - paid first and last, and kicked her out the door and they moved far away. She clung to an older guy family friend, and even though he was a capital D douche, she married him.
It's horrific how many people (especially women), end up trapped in abusive situations because of financial reasons. At times, I've found myself weighing "okay, he's verbally/emotionally abusive, but I'd at least be able to be on his health care coverage and have a home to live in...." Fortunately, I've caught myself and found alternatives, but in today's economy, that's reality.
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My mom kicked me out when I was 19. I didn't have a job and hadn't finished high school yet, as I was struggling to pass some of my mandatory classes (I needed a lot of tutoring). I had to move in with my boyfriend and his parents until they found us an apartment. I really wasn't ready to leave home but my mom's reasons weren't because I was difficult to live with, per se, she just got fed up being a parent. She had been telling me that since I was 15. I found the job searching methods I was taught in school were out of date, as well as my resume content and lay out. I didn't know how to approach businesses anymore. This was the start of online applications. Now a days, the inflation is a heck of a lot higher that it's difficult for someone making above min wage to get by. Kudos to the sister for offering her brother a place to stay. This doesn't sound like a case where the 19 yr old is hard to live with. The fact this scenario is enough to no-contact the parents says deeper issues.
What a horror🥺in my country [working/able to work] parents must support a child all through high school and during university if they fullfill all ther academic requirements, up until the age of 26.
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Having children is not a responsibility that ends at a certain number of years. This young man is at a fragile point where he's trying to get a foothold on life and transition into full adulthood. It wouldn't kill his parents to wait until he's completed school to better empower him to have a successful start. It's not like he's expected to be a deadbeat and stick around and they're only 45, for crying out loud. Also, moving to a smaller place in a city is likely to cost more and eat into that retirement much faster. As a parent of adult children, I fully understand the sense of impatience for them to move along, but I'd rather ensure they are ready, especially since I don't want things to go sideways for them and they need a place to move back to. The more solid of a start I can give them, the better I expect them to do. Also, I left at 18 and it was really hard and scary and there were some bad moments and I don't want my kids to experience that.
My take...his parents suck hard. They've made up their minds to spend the remainder of their lives fully focused and dedicated to themselves. You know they told him he needed a college education to make it this world, but offered nothing in the way of how to make that a reality. He'll work it out and make it happen anyway. Once he has and their savings has dwindled as a result of their IDIOTIC plan, they'll be hitting him up for a place to live. They'll be gaslighting him about how he "owes them" and ranting about everything they did for him, ultimately trying to usurp the credit. Accept their wishes as it's for the best. Ditch those narcissists as quick as you can.
Yeah, I don't get the feeling they have a real grasp of the economy at all. "Sure, we'll pay your first month's rent; you'll get by just fine." Ummm.... not right now, he won't. They'll be through their savings in a decade and totally screwed.
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I f*****g despise parents who treat their kids like an obligation and a chore, to get rid of as soon as possible.
My parents stopped helping me entirely when I was 20 and I still resent it. I couldn't finish college, it set my life back 10 years. Took me till 28 to get my bachelor's and couldn't afford to start to have kids until 33. I finally got comfortable financially last year at 45. I now have three kids and I think almost daily about how to help them not experience what I did.
This couple is 45 years of age, wanting to retire and don't want to put their lives on hold? What is this insanity? When you're 45, you have at least another 30 years to go, so what's the hurry kicking your son out? And why would you not want to see your son properly settled before you retire? Do you have any idea how hard it is for young persons to find their own place nowadays? And you want to make his life harder by kicking him out? What kind of parents are you?
I'm 3 years younger than those parents. My career trajectory has not gone the way I'd planned because of mental illness, but I look forward to the days I can be more productive again. I cannot imagine giving setting it all aside already. Productivity is a major part of someone's mental health, too. I really don't think those people are going to have the blissful 40 years they think they will.
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YTA not only are you showing obvious bias about which kids you cared about more, even if it's not true it's how you come across even to me, think how your son feels. You are the one who chose to have children, that job doesn't stop just because the kid is over eighteen. You are the a*****e.
Remember stories like this the next time you feel sorry for an abandoned oldie. They're adults, too, so I hope their kids leave them to figure it out some day, too.
Yes, you're scum. I moved out at age 22 by force; my parents divorced and the agreement was to keep the house until my younger brother graduated high school. June-Graduation, house sold by September. My own son just had a relationship disintegrate - he's moving back home this weekend. I will not do what my parents did to me.
He may not automatically be doomed or anything because of it, but not being confident I had a place to go back to is a big part of what messed up my higher ed and led to issues spiraling to a disabling level. I actually *did* have the ability to "go home" even. Thing is, mom made it clear she saw my moving into a dorm as moving out for good. School made it clear their default expectation was returning home every holiday and summer, required extra c**p to stay instead. Other students were often home at least once a month if their home was nearby (as mine was). Far LESS than "you're on your own, be grateful childhood was good (though mine wasn't) and grateful if we will help you get in a first place" can in fact start a downfall. Put another way, know and prioritize your kids. Some may benefit from a push, but that's not always the case. And "we don't want to put our lives on hold" sucks as a reason to leave someone you supposedly love in a precarious position.
19 in most of the world is an adult, with the person either at university (so likely not still living at home) or in an apprenticeship or work. But in the u.s this 19 year old can’t even buy a beer legally and 21 is the age requirement for a lot of ‘normal’ adult functions and activities I’d say it is wholly wrong to ‘kick’ your child out before they’re 21, I left home just before I turned 19 I’d finished college and was starting my career, working hard then going to the pub or clubs after work with colleagues and friends it was a lot of fun but if I was in the u.s I’d have finished work and then home to my lonely apartment unable to partake in the social aspect of life
I don't see why he can't live in their flat if they want to travel all the time anyways. They have to pay rent either way. I feel it would be still less difficult for him if he didn't have to pay rent and it's just food and maybe he could stay on their insurance too. As far as I know many insurances are a lot cheaper if you're added on as a family member. I really don't get why they're so harsh on him. Those people really shouldn't have kids.
A one-bedroom home is basically telling their kids - all of them - that they are no longer welcome. The kids should cut their losses, take in their baby brother and go NC with their selfish parents who no longer want to be parents anyway. Now they no longer need to put their lives on hold and can become the childless (and grandchildless because they don't deserve access to them either) adults who clearly resented the job of raising their own children.
What I don't understand is why they are treating this last child like he is sub-par to their other children. OP stated that their other children stayed at home through college but they want to kick this one out before he had a chance to go. How selfish of them to treat the other children better when the economy is in a place that is much worse off than it was before. There is no place right now that a 19 year old can live on a part-time wage. It's just not feasible! How selfish of them as parents not to make sure all their kids get equal opportunities.
YTA unless . . . You have covered all the bases a parent is required to cover for a 19 year old to live on their own. College or trade school paid for. He knows how to write a resume', apply for a job, dress for and handle an Interview, has a car. Knows how to fill out and file his taxes, shop for food, cook, clean, use a stove, washing machine, has a bank account, and has a savings account. Of course, as parents, you have sat down, diligently, over the years taught him survival skills as mentioned above so he has a damn chance at living in the real world and gave him ample time, years to prepare and be ready to move. Oh . . . No? Just decided, according to your post, that this year you are done, finished with having kids? Huh? Since when does having kids have an expiration date? How are you any better than kids going into the foster system at a young age when unwanted. I do hope your kids all succeed and decide to no longer have anything to do with you. As they are done with you
I plan on buying my first home in a few years. I’m not looking for anything big since it will just be me and maybe my youngest kid (who will be at most very early 20s at the time. 2 older kids are already adults) BUT I’m still gonna get something big enough in case anyone who has flown the coop needs to come back to roost. I could never in my life even imagine forcing an unprepared child to move out or using the excuse of not enough room, retirement, etc for a child who fell on hard times to come back home. If I had my way I’d be happy if my kids never left in the first place. He isn’t a young child that can’t be left alone. They can still travel and do whatever plans they have for retirement without him being included in everything they do. I’m the same age as the parents and I dream everyday of being able to quit working so I can spend more time with my kids.
What in the actual name of all that is selfish is wrong with this "parent"???? In this economy? Go ahead be unfair based off your family history and make this kid have 10x the work expected of him through college. And then STFU when your relationship is completely ruined forever. "Put our life on hold...." You crazy b***h. He is your kid. He IS YOUR LIFE. Not until 18. You are supposed to care a lot longer than until it is no longer legally required.
They had kids young and have been waiting for 25yrs to live the life they "missed out on" in their 20s. But if they do this it will take many years to repair their relationships with their kids. Treating the youngest differently because they just can't wait anymore to be free of the children they decided to have? YTA
I’ll be 45 in June; I cannot imagine retiring at that point of my life. I don’t have the means to do so - I think I could do it if I had about $7-10M but I’d probably want more if I was planning on traveling extensively (and comfortably) and thought I’d live another 30 years or so - but even if I did I’m not sure I’d do it at such a young age. I guess it’s enticing to do all that stuff while you’re young and able but, if you have the kind of money to retire and travel for 30-40 years, you probably can spare some money to set your 19 y/o up a lot better than first, last and security deposit so that they can have the advantages you gave to your older kids.
Almost no one needs $7-10 million to retire. With $7 million you will be able to safely spend $280,000/year for the rest of your life and the number will adjust with inflation. That's insanity
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All I can think is WTF??? Really? I get wanting to travel, but it's rather s****y to do so when one of your kids may be homeless. Get a damn 2 bedroom, have him house sit in exchange for rent and let him finish college. For pitys sake, this is your child not a plant or pet you no longer want.
Jeez, so many things wrong with this. And I can't believe they only gave him a few months notice! If my parents are going away for a week they start mentioning it a year before. I'm 19 and although I'd probably figure it out (due to savings and investments), it would be an incredibly stressful time and I'd miss out on so much. Most people our age don't have much savings to fall back on and a few months isn't enough time to make a backstop. WTF on so many levels
Congratulations, you receive the “worst parents of the year” award. I hope your retirement is miserable.
45!! are they serious? If they have enough money to "retire" now and live in city, galavanting around the globe for the next 40 of 50 years (shoot, I'll estimate low and give them 30 more years of life) they can certainly wait in their current house for 4 more years. Plus, nothing is stopping them from traveling now. I'm 45 with a 19 year old and can't imagine telling her to move out. Wtf is wrong with these people.
Maybe if OP was willing to vote for candidates who make laws that make sure we can all have a living wage this wouldn't be an issue.
You put you life on hold for your kids: its called 'parenting'. If you want to go chase your dreams of retirement, travel, etc, you still need to provide for your last child. You 3 need to sit down calmly and make a plan. Encourage your kid to get a job, and be willing to help him financially until he graduates, or gets on his feet financially. Budget! Dont just kick him to the curb without help. Not if you dont want him to despise you for the duration, maybe even longer. The disapproval of your other kids on how you are treating your youngest should have been a clue about how bad this current plan is.
In Toronto, Canada, it would be impossible for a 19 yr old to pay for university, have a job and be able to afford rent which is around $2300 for a 1 bdrm apartment. I would never do that to my children especially with such short notice. So if the parents have any long-term illness when they're elderly, they should expect help for 19 yrs from their son and then he can kick them to the curb like they did to him. Not cool.
I'm so glad that most people let these parents know what jetks they were
It's so easy to spot the boomers in the comments. "Hey, you had kids at 20, so obviously your kids should be fine at 19. It's still 25 years ago, right?"
I personally agree with everyone up top that they are the AH why can't they extend the same courtesy to let him finish collage before throwing his stuff out 45 is lucky to retire what's a couple more years they will still be retiring and possibly adding to that amount honestly sounds like favoritism
Those kids are absolutely right about ganging up against their parents over this. The parents are entitled a******s. 19 Is a child. In my country, that's a highschooler... Why they can't get two bedroom house? Or retire few years later, with even more money in savings? Jesus, i'm so mad right now....
If you are of the mentality that you are only responsible for/only parents for 18 years, I got news for you. None of them wake what the day after their 18th birthday and stop calling you mom and dad. Children are a life long commitment, the only thing that really changes is that everyone gets older!
Why do Americans feel that once you turn eighteen your automatically an adult? Can these people not see what is happening in society at the moment? Adults can barely afford to live much less teenagers.
One thing that stuck out to me: why, at 19 years old, does this young man not already have a job? Even if he's still living at home, he should still be working. Even if it's only a shítty, part time job. Not only would having a job allow him to already have some money saved up, but it would prepare him for adult life. Because you HAVE to work, when you're an adult. Plus it helps with adult social skills, etc. Yes, he's still young. But preparing our kids for an adult life of living on their own is a lifelong process. Parents who hand their kids everything, as it seems OP may have done, do not do their kids any favors. Those kids turn into adults who are very ill-prepared for the real world. As evidenced by this case. I'm NOT saying OP is right, wanting to kick their son out!! Just saying they all knew it was going to happen someday, and they could've already been doing some things to help him toward it. Now they want to boot him out, with with him having nothing in line for himself. That's not right, either.
I moved out of my childhood home at 19. BUT, that was almost 25 years ago. It was, as cliche as this sounds, a very different time. Now, it's almost impossible, at least financially, for a 19 y/o to move out and live by themselves. Especially with only a few months' notice. And the parents are still relatively young. They have time. I would postpone the move for at least a year. Give the young man time to find a job and save some money, and also find a place to live and maybe a roommate. Start charging him a small amount of rent, but save it, and give it back to him when he moves out, to help him, both in learning to pay rent, and by helping him save a little cushion of his own money, without him even realizing. And still pay first and last. He'll be 20 or almost 21 then, the same age as his siblings were when they moved out, and he'll have more time to get his ducks in a row. At least that would give him a fighting chance. And he wouldn't feel so abandoned.
i'm 36 and have never lived on my own, and wouldn't have been able to for the last 10 years anyway (or for the future) due to being disabled and on SSI (which is deeply insufficient for living on). and i've never wanted to! i can't fathom getting kicked out at 19 or even in mid-20s; people can still be SO stupid in their 20s! especially if they haven't been prepared for living on their own with the various life skills!
I was in this position at 18. I, as an unintitled adult, did not blame my parents. Truthfully, I really only thought about a solution. I ended up joining the military. Gave me time to grow up and supplied me with life long benefits like free health care and home buying loans. At 18 your an adult and should be making plans as an adult for what comes next. It's not all on your parents to hold your hand through your twenties.
I'm embarrassed that this AH is part of my generation. Kids are a lifelong commitment. If you can't make that, don't have kids. I would drop any part of my life to ensure my daughter's well being, health, and safety. I'm 58. She's an intelligent, resourceful, talented, and resilient 33yo. We share OUR house because we are a FAMILY. That doesn't change when your kids become adults. And, yes, we get along just fine because we treat each other as equals. She still has her life and I have mine. And the house is hers when I'm gone.
The other kids don't talk much to them either. Yeah, we all can imagine why. It's one thing to move out at 19 because you want to - I did, and yes, it did me good. I also had 18 months preparation time, could get a job in a factory with a modest but proper i.e. enough-to-live-on wage.
lol! Exactly what’s wrong with this world today! Children that wanna live with mommy a daddy an be taken care of! Why doesn’t he have a job an earning money a being a productive member of society! Instead like most youngins now a day she’s laying around an sponging of his parents
"he thinks a few months notice wasn't enough" this right here is what tells me their TA. I understand wanted to retire. I even understand wanting your kid to stand on their own two feet, but the way they're going about it is douchey at best. They gave his siblings until 22 it sound like, where they HAD TIME to find a job and a place and get things settled, but theyre freely admitting they've just told their 19y/o "not only do you notbget the same privilege your siblings got, but we also decided you weren't worth warning well ahead of time so you could prepare for that"
It all depends on what their kid is doing. If he is sitting around the house playing video games all day, by all means, it's time for him to be out on his own and letting his parents get on with the life they EARNED. If he is in college and working hard, they should be supporting him through that time. They could still pay for a state school, including room and board while they go off and live their life.
Insane parenting! I cannot IMAGINE doing this to my kid. They'll be lucky if they every have a good relationship with their kids after this. They decided to have kids, they're obligated to ensure that all their kids are in a good position to head out in the world. I agree with one of the commenters, this American custom of shoving your kids out the door at 18 is the weirdest thing. Unless your kids is a dead beat who does nothing but eat and play games day in and day out, what in the world is wrong with having them stay with you until they're set up? They COULD look for a 2 bed place in the city, they COULD still travel the world and have their child living at home. Seriously, this cannot be real. It's hard to believe people think like this.
Be fair, it's rough out there, waiting till he finishes college like his siblings did. He should have a job too.
The fact that they thought for a second that this was even an ok option makes them TA. But knowing that their other kids are fully against it shows them all they need to know. The reality is they are more than willing to abandon their youngest because they are just over being parents. Hopefully they adjust to that fully because they will lose all their kids and grands and they can finally be alone and enjoy each other since that's al they will have anyway. Hope it's worth it!
They CHOSE to have children. That means preparing a human being for independent life. Bad economic times mean that multigenerational households are skyrocketing. They have the economic means to ensure that their son manages to get an education without going into life-crippling debt, and they refuse to do that because they what, got bored with parenting and want to have fun? They don't love their kids. Kids were an ornament for them to show off. If you love your kids, you do all in your power to help them get a good start in life. It wouldn't be hard for them to get a place in the city with enough room for the son as well. They'd have someone watching the house whilst they travelled. This is just spite.
I would love to have a (responsible) 19 year old living at home, able to take care of the pets and water the plants while we travel. Thinking back to when I was 19 we never had crazy, furniture-breaking parties where the cops were called when our parents were away so I would trust my son completely. These parents are certainly a$$holes.
Sounds like you shouldn't have had a third child without more thought. Rent prices are atrocious these days, most of our kids simply can't afford to move out. Food prices as well have sky rocketed. Food banks are spread thinner than ever. Why isn't he in college? Getting computer engineers degree or any engineering degree goes further than flipping a burger. Shame on you for abandoning him. He doesn't need to go on vacations with you but he could be watching your condo. Give him a bedroom in your new place
Even in the US, the only people who toss their kids out at 18 are a******s or so poor that they can’t feed another mouth. There are some kids that never come home much after they go to college but they aren’t dumped by their parents.
If you consider him a squatter, will it be more palatable if he stays in your house while you're gone? Consider it. Or are you going to pay someone to check on your house while you travel?
With crazy situation that's pretty much everywhere, he'll end up homeless.
Those kids might not even get a chance to go to a good college because there parents are selfish. This is the exact problem in America. People don't want to have families anymore. They get hypnotized by the tv to have fun and awesome lives and can't wait to focus on themselves. That's a big reason why younger generations don't want to have children. They weren't taught good family values because so many are pushed from the nest and have family trauma. No one likes to talk about how things should be anymore unless their news stations say it's ok. We need more idealistic people Influencing others. We have bad influencers everywhere and not enough good ones. I was pushed from the nest young. I was already unhealthy. I got robbed by roommates. Ended up living with a man I hated and had to pretend to like until I got my ducks in a row, which was hard. It took my entire twenties. I skipped two grades in highschool and went to trade school. Being unsafe and making mistakes almost killed me.
At this time in America adults are so self-centered, that they choose to have a dog instead of a kid they can't be bothered to truly parent their offspring so. They get a dog. You should have gotten one then you could just drop him at the pound. YTA.
I paid rent to my parents while going to school... If they wanted me to move it I would have... Their kids sound spoiled, stop entitling your children
The OPs are totally NTA. I was in the exact opposite position. I kept trying to move out but couldn't. The first time I had planned to move out, I was 20 and came home to find my Dad dead. I stayed for a while so my Mom could be ready to be in her own. The second time, Mom had a stroke due to HBO so if course I stayed. She was back waitressing 6 weeks later btw. After a couple of more years I once again made plans to move out, and Mom had ANOTHER stroke due to narrowing of an artery in her neck. So, I ended up staying in the house, even though I desperately wanted out. I wasn't able to move until both Mom and my older brother (who moved back in after his divorce) both passed away. Mom first and brother six months later.
I can kind of see why this is happening, though. At his age, this couple was committed to each other and preparing for their first baby. Presumably, they had a place to live and at least one job. They were already building their nest. Meanwhile, this bird, at the same age, isn't ready to leave his childhood nest. Maybe a full boot out isn't in order, but some compromise is. Sit down with the kid and start planning a transition. Job or school, check out nearby towns and cities, start funding an account that will float his living expenses for a bit when he's ready to make the leap..... He will be less scared if given some time, help, and resources to prepare.
There are tons of job openings with tremendous career growth potential in the US Postal Service if this kid is an American citizen with reasonable intelligence. It's not like he'd be thrown to the wolves.
Honestly NTA for wanting him to move out to be able to downside since they did offer to pay first last deposit. But they are for the apparent favoritism by not waiting when they let the other kids finish college first. Here's another possible solution: sister offered to let him move in with her but only has a 1 bed and a kid. Cover moving expenses and first, last, deposit to get a 3 bedroom place for them as well as 3 months of his bills. That way sister and her husband have a room, grandchild has a room, and son has a room. Son can pay 1/3 rent and bills after the 3 months. 3 months would give him time to find a job and hopefully save a little bit before he has to start paying. It's more expensive than what OP offered but he's taking away 3 years from this kid that his siblings had
It certainly sounds like this 19 year old is not working, or going to school. Why is that? I think the parents should let him know what they intend to do, and give him a date that he needs to be able to move out. Not giving him a shove into the real world is enabling him to do nothing.
Seems to me your kids succeded in life not because of you but despite of you.
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This has to be fake right? Putting their life on hold? You @ssholes chose to have kids. He's still a teenager ffs. Downsize to a 2 bedroom and take him along. Do whatever travelling and have him there to take care of the house. He doesn't need a babysitter, he needs a home and parents who give a shït.
On the one hand that sub is riddled with fake stories. On the other hand, parents have done far, far worse things. *gestures at the existence of the foster system*
Load More Replies... For non-Americans who aren't aware: there is no longer ANY area left in the entire country where a person working a full-time job paying minimum wage can afford to rent or buy a home. Forget whether this kid is 15, 19, or 29. He could try so, so hard to get a job in the first place (no small feat; could easily take months and months) and unless he's somehow going to score a position above entry level, which is seriously unlikely for a 19-year-old who hasn't even had time to finish his bachelor's... he's still basically f*cked. If he's still in school and could only work part-time, he's even more f*cked. Speaking for myself, I didn't WANT to be living with my parents at 19, and certainly not in my early twenties. But if my parents had told me at 19 that I had a few months to establish complete financial independence and leave, I would've had to quit school and frantically line up at least 2 jobs just to have enough money to pay for, like, transportation to and from work, a bed at a youth hostel or something, and cheap food. No way could I have afforded my medications or gone to the doctor or dentist or basic clothes or shoes or the laundromat or anything else like that. I can't imagine how I would've avoided homelessness. I am by no means terribly disadvanged. I'm white from a middle class well-educated family, so I would not have faced racial prejudice seeking a job. I would not have struggled with reading through forms. I would not have lacked people to call for advice. But this country is economically BROKEN. NO ONE can afford to LIVE on minimum wage. HEALTH CARE puts people in insurmountable debt EVERY DAY. If I need to go to the ER, it costs me $200... AND I *HAVE* HEALTH CARE. I live in a big city, and a QUART of ordinary 2% cow's milk costs me FIVE DOLLARS. When I do my laundry at the local laundromat, I have to pay more than $10 worth of QUARTERS for ONE entirely self-service double load wash and dry using my own detergent. Like... are people getting it? That kid is fortunate to have siblings who are going to make sure he doesn't end up camping out under a bridge.
This is happening everywhere in the world, not just the USA. Otherwise, I completely agree with your post.
Load More Replies... There are a couple bits I’m stuck on but one that stands out to me is that this couple is 45 and looking to retire. I don’t understand the urgency to do it right now when it’s such a ridiculously early age to retire. The other bit is the inequality between children. I have an older brother and he is the worshiped golden child. Being treated so differently than your siblings isn’t fair and really hurts. You can feel unimportant, unworthy, and unloved. These two bits together, I think it would be best to wait until the son is 22 and done with college. I understand at 19 he can get a job and roommates and he would very likely survive, but waiting 3 years to retire and treating your children equally sounds very reasonable and possible to me.
I don't see why the parents can't include their son in their plans. Like a two-bedroom house is already way smaller. Retire and travel anywhere you like. Son can go to school and live in the house. So house, plants and pets are taken care of as well.
Load More Replies... Imagine prioritizing your damn retirement over your own children! And then this line, "Ohooo, we don't want to put our retirement on hold for our son.", that's the most arrogant thing I've heard all week! If you have children, that's exactly what this means you'll do - putting your life on hold until they've grown up and moved out. They even did that for the other two kids, what a way to play favoritism. There's also no reason to retire at 45 (I wanna be honest, I'd be bored to death to do nothing but traveling for literally half of my life), give these two a whack into their butts with steel tip shoes.
The crazy thing is they don't even have to put their retirement on hold, they just have to budget a couple hundred dollars for a second room. As an adult is not like they have to arrange child care for him when they fly overseas. Even having him pay two or $300 a month is better than kicking him to the wind with a 3-month notice. 😳
Load More Replies... I think this points out something a lot of parents with multiple children don’t realize. The oldest two children get a lot more parent supervision, focus, attention and supervision. Generally, kid 5,6,7 and so on don’t get those things… they usually end up raising themselves and sometimes their siblings. Like in the situation above the younger children get shafted because parents are tired, burnt out, want to retire, focused on their older kids, and so on. Don’t have multiple kids if you can’t provide equal time, focus and attention to all of your kids. I know this isn’t in every family, but I see it in every family that I know.
I'm agreeing with everything you said. I'm the 4th (and last) child. I basically raised myself as my siblings are much older than myself and my "parents" ran out of steam. I basically raised myself and I'm emotionally and mentally stunted. I'm now 53 and there is no way in hell that my children would be put in that position. Children are like pets......they are for life, not just an occasion. You don't just stop supporting your kids just because they're of legal age.
Load More Replies... They should move to a place with a room for him then when they travel they have a free house sitter. The difference between a one bed and two bed is negligible in the long run. This is a f*****g win win ...apart from the fact the son has to live with two arseholes.
Yeah, i don‘t really see how their plans couldn‘t have been done with him included. Often a 2 bedroom house/ apartment will not be much more expensive anyways. Plus, free house sitter and if they care about money that much, charge a small rent from him.
Load More Replies... If you've decided that you want to treat one child worse than the others, at the very least, let them know early what they need to prepare for (financially, mentally, life skill wise) Sure, it's "entitlement". The kid is entitled to the same treatment as his siblings and fair warning that he has to change his entire life. My vote is to downsize from a 4 bed to a 2 bed. Why wouldn't you? Also, wtf is this retiring at 45? What are they going to do with the other half of their lives? I think a lot of people who retire at 45 are back doing some kind of work after they've spent everything they've saved.
It's usually like a "do what you love" instead of doing what pays the bills. But you are right if your retired to sit around studies show you die sooner. Hobbies or gigs that you would normally have to ignore if you had a corporate job or what would probably fill your time.
Load More Replies... Has everyone overlooked the fact they are giving him a few months notice too. I feel the sense of urgency is adding more pressure to the situation. I understand wanting to retire early but don't throw your kid out over it.
Especially when it would be easy for them to just take him along to the smaller house they buy. I've had major issues with my parents, but any time I've needed a place to live, they've taken me in. They've done that for all their kids, a few nieces and nephews, and even some strangers. Imperfect they may be, but my parents don't leave people in the cold.
Load More Replies... WTF kind of parents are they? Mother of 4, here, and our kids always knew they could stay until they were good and ready to spread their wings and fly on their own. And we didn't "downsize" as soon as the last one had gone. First we love our house, and second, it's big enough to welcome them and their own kids when they visit. Which they do, to our great pleasure, while I think those "parents" would consider it an annoyance. Their loss.
My auntie and uncle literally built a guesthouse on their farm large enough to house their daughter's family (8 children) so they could see their grandkids more often. My parents just bought new living room furniture so there is more seating for their grandchildren. Most parents of adult kids design their homes/lives around, you know, keeping a relationship with the families they raised rather than going off to party.
Load More Replies... I am older and people who say "well, when I was younger..." B******t! It isn't like it was in 2008 or any other time. Income hasn't kept up with costs even a little bit. Comparing what it was like 15-20 years ago is idiotic. They didn't just change the rules, they changed the sport! I am so glad I am too old for this s**t and plan to help my kids and grandkids to the best of my ability. These shortsighted a******s can enjoy their retirement alone because their kids won't want them.
I don't always agree with you, R Dennis, but you're one of the good ones.
Load More Replies... Probably thought they'd be on that posh round-the-world cruise ship for the next three years. Bummer, no ship for them.
Do you get the feeling they'll spend all their savings in like, ten years and then expect their kids to take them in?
Load More Replies... They act as if they are 70 and having a 40 year old child living with them. Why make 3 kids if you are unwilling to see them all through to standing on their own two feet. What's a few more years to wait for the last one to finish college in peace?
My parents are in their 60s and have one child in their 40s living with them (me). I am not lazy, addicted, or unwilling to work; I'm highly educated but dealing with severe mental illness. I'm working hard in treatment, and I do take in freelance work as much as I'm able, but right now, I need family support to manage and get me a chance at having a healthier future. My family gives it. That's how it's supposed to go. If those parents cast that kid out like they want to, they're burning that relationship to ashes, and they'll never get it back. And he'll eventually be in therapy, discussing his rage at his parents and his difficulty in sustaining relationships because of his fear of abandonment.
Load More Replies... I was friends with a person whose birth was a surprise. Her parents talked openly about how her being pushed their retirement out by years. Her entire life she was treated like an impediment to their 'better life'. Finally, after berating her to join the service, (they rejected her) at 18, they rented her an apartment - paid first and last, and kicked her out the door and they moved far away. She clung to an older guy family friend, and even though he was a capital D douche, she married him.
It's horrific how many people (especially women), end up trapped in abusive situations because of financial reasons. At times, I've found myself weighing "okay, he's verbally/emotionally abusive, but I'd at least be able to be on his health care coverage and have a home to live in...." Fortunately, I've caught myself and found alternatives, but in today's economy, that's reality.
Load More Replies... My mom kicked me out when I was 19. I didn't have a job and hadn't finished high school yet, as I was struggling to pass some of my mandatory classes (I needed a lot of tutoring). I had to move in with my boyfriend and his parents until they found us an apartment. I really wasn't ready to leave home but my mom's reasons weren't because I was difficult to live with, per se, she just got fed up being a parent. She had been telling me that since I was 15. I found the job searching methods I was taught in school were out of date, as well as my resume content and lay out. I didn't know how to approach businesses anymore. This was the start of online applications. Now a days, the inflation is a heck of a lot higher that it's difficult for someone making above min wage to get by. Kudos to the sister for offering her brother a place to stay. This doesn't sound like a case where the 19 yr old is hard to live with. The fact this scenario is enough to no-contact the parents says deeper issues.
What a horror🥺in my country [working/able to work] parents must support a child all through high school and during university if they fullfill all ther academic requirements, up until the age of 26.
Load More Replies... Having children is not a responsibility that ends at a certain number of years. This young man is at a fragile point where he's trying to get a foothold on life and transition into full adulthood. It wouldn't kill his parents to wait until he's completed school to better empower him to have a successful start. It's not like he's expected to be a deadbeat and stick around and they're only 45, for crying out loud. Also, moving to a smaller place in a city is likely to cost more and eat into that retirement much faster. As a parent of adult children, I fully understand the sense of impatience for them to move along, but I'd rather ensure they are ready, especially since I don't want things to go sideways for them and they need a place to move back to. The more solid of a start I can give them, the better I expect them to do. Also, I left at 18 and it was really hard and scary and there were some bad moments and I don't want my kids to experience that.
My take...his parents suck hard. They've made up their minds to spend the remainder of their lives fully focused and dedicated to themselves. You know they told him he needed a college education to make it this world, but offered nothing in the way of how to make that a reality. He'll work it out and make it happen anyway. Once he has and their savings has dwindled as a result of their IDIOTIC plan, they'll be hitting him up for a place to live. They'll be gaslighting him about how he "owes them" and ranting about everything they did for him, ultimately trying to usurp the credit. Accept their wishes as it's for the best. Ditch those narcissists as quick as you can.
Yeah, I don't get the feeling they have a real grasp of the economy at all. "Sure, we'll pay your first month's rent; you'll get by just fine." Ummm.... not right now, he won't. They'll be through their savings in a decade and totally screwed.
Load More Replies... I f*****g despise parents who treat their kids like an obligation and a chore, to get rid of as soon as possible.
My parents stopped helping me entirely when I was 20 and I still resent it. I couldn't finish college, it set my life back 10 years. Took me till 28 to get my bachelor's and couldn't afford to start to have kids until 33. I finally got comfortable financially last year at 45. I now have three kids and I think almost daily about how to help them not experience what I did.
This couple is 45 years of age, wanting to retire and don't want to put their lives on hold? What is this insanity? When you're 45, you have at least another 30 years to go, so what's the hurry kicking your son out? And why would you not want to see your son properly settled before you retire? Do you have any idea how hard it is for young persons to find their own place nowadays? And you want to make his life harder by kicking him out? What kind of parents are you?
I'm 3 years younger than those parents. My career trajectory has not gone the way I'd planned because of mental illness, but I look forward to the days I can be more productive again. I cannot imagine giving setting it all aside already. Productivity is a major part of someone's mental health, too. I really don't think those people are going to have the blissful 40 years they think they will.
Load More Replies... YTA not only are you showing obvious bias about which kids you cared about more, even if it's not true it's how you come across even to me, think how your son feels. You are the one who chose to have children, that job doesn't stop just because the kid is over eighteen. You are the a*****e.
Remember stories like this the next time you feel sorry for an abandoned oldie. They're adults, too, so I hope their kids leave them to figure it out some day, too.
Yes, you're scum. I moved out at age 22 by force; my parents divorced and the agreement was to keep the house until my younger brother graduated high school. June-Graduation, house sold by September. My own son just had a relationship disintegrate - he's moving back home this weekend. I will not do what my parents did to me.
He may not automatically be doomed or anything because of it, but not being confident I had a place to go back to is a big part of what messed up my higher ed and led to issues spiraling to a disabling level. I actually *did* have the ability to "go home" even. Thing is, mom made it clear she saw my moving into a dorm as moving out for good. School made it clear their default expectation was returning home every holiday and summer, required extra c**p to stay instead. Other students were often home at least once a month if their home was nearby (as mine was). Far LESS than "you're on your own, be grateful childhood was good (though mine wasn't) and grateful if we will help you get in a first place" can in fact start a downfall. Put another way, know and prioritize your kids. Some may benefit from a push, but that's not always the case. And "we don't want to put our lives on hold" sucks as a reason to leave someone you supposedly love in a precarious position.
19 in most of the world is an adult, with the person either at university (so likely not still living at home) or in an apprenticeship or work. But in the u.s this 19 year old can’t even buy a beer legally and 21 is the age requirement for a lot of ‘normal’ adult functions and activities I’d say it is wholly wrong to ‘kick’ your child out before they’re 21, I left home just before I turned 19 I’d finished college and was starting my career, working hard then going to the pub or clubs after work with colleagues and friends it was a lot of fun but if I was in the u.s I’d have finished work and then home to my lonely apartment unable to partake in the social aspect of life
I don't see why he can't live in their flat if they want to travel all the time anyways. They have to pay rent either way. I feel it would be still less difficult for him if he didn't have to pay rent and it's just food and maybe he could stay on their insurance too. As far as I know many insurances are a lot cheaper if you're added on as a family member. I really don't get why they're so harsh on him. Those people really shouldn't have kids.
A one-bedroom home is basically telling their kids - all of them - that they are no longer welcome. The kids should cut their losses, take in their baby brother and go NC with their selfish parents who no longer want to be parents anyway. Now they no longer need to put their lives on hold and can become the childless (and grandchildless because they don't deserve access to them either) adults who clearly resented the job of raising their own children.
What I don't understand is why they are treating this last child like he is sub-par to their other children. OP stated that their other children stayed at home through college but they want to kick this one out before he had a chance to go. How selfish of them to treat the other children better when the economy is in a place that is much worse off than it was before. There is no place right now that a 19 year old can live on a part-time wage. It's just not feasible! How selfish of them as parents not to make sure all their kids get equal opportunities.
YTA unless . . . You have covered all the bases a parent is required to cover for a 19 year old to live on their own. College or trade school paid for. He knows how to write a resume', apply for a job, dress for and handle an Interview, has a car. Knows how to fill out and file his taxes, shop for food, cook, clean, use a stove, washing machine, has a bank account, and has a savings account. Of course, as parents, you have sat down, diligently, over the years taught him survival skills as mentioned above so he has a damn chance at living in the real world and gave him ample time, years to prepare and be ready to move. Oh . . . No? Just decided, according to your post, that this year you are done, finished with having kids? Huh? Since when does having kids have an expiration date? How are you any better than kids going into the foster system at a young age when unwanted. I do hope your kids all succeed and decide to no longer have anything to do with you. As they are done with you
I plan on buying my first home in a few years. I’m not looking for anything big since it will just be me and maybe my youngest kid (who will be at most very early 20s at the time. 2 older kids are already adults) BUT I’m still gonna get something big enough in case anyone who has flown the coop needs to come back to roost. I could never in my life even imagine forcing an unprepared child to move out or using the excuse of not enough room, retirement, etc for a child who fell on hard times to come back home. If I had my way I’d be happy if my kids never left in the first place. He isn’t a young child that can’t be left alone. They can still travel and do whatever plans they have for retirement without him being included in everything they do. I’m the same age as the parents and I dream everyday of being able to quit working so I can spend more time with my kids.
What in the actual name of all that is selfish is wrong with this "parent"???? In this economy? Go ahead be unfair based off your family history and make this kid have 10x the work expected of him through college. And then STFU when your relationship is completely ruined forever. "Put our life on hold...." You crazy b***h. He is your kid. He IS YOUR LIFE. Not until 18. You are supposed to care a lot longer than until it is no longer legally required.
They had kids young and have been waiting for 25yrs to live the life they "missed out on" in their 20s. But if they do this it will take many years to repair their relationships with their kids. Treating the youngest differently because they just can't wait anymore to be free of the children they decided to have? YTA
I’ll be 45 in June; I cannot imagine retiring at that point of my life. I don’t have the means to do so - I think I could do it if I had about $7-10M but I’d probably want more if I was planning on traveling extensively (and comfortably) and thought I’d live another 30 years or so - but even if I did I’m not sure I’d do it at such a young age. I guess it’s enticing to do all that stuff while you’re young and able but, if you have the kind of money to retire and travel for 30-40 years, you probably can spare some money to set your 19 y/o up a lot better than first, last and security deposit so that they can have the advantages you gave to your older kids.
Almost no one needs $7-10 million to retire. With $7 million you will be able to safely spend $280,000/year for the rest of your life and the number will adjust with inflation. That's insanity
Load More Replies... All I can think is WTF??? Really? I get wanting to travel, but it's rather s****y to do so when one of your kids may be homeless. Get a damn 2 bedroom, have him house sit in exchange for rent and let him finish college. For pitys sake, this is your child not a plant or pet you no longer want.
Jeez, so many things wrong with this. And I can't believe they only gave him a few months notice! If my parents are going away for a week they start mentioning it a year before. I'm 19 and although I'd probably figure it out (due to savings and investments), it would be an incredibly stressful time and I'd miss out on so much. Most people our age don't have much savings to fall back on and a few months isn't enough time to make a backstop. WTF on so many levels
Congratulations, you receive the “worst parents of the year” award. I hope your retirement is miserable.
45!! are they serious? If they have enough money to "retire" now and live in city, galavanting around the globe for the next 40 of 50 years (shoot, I'll estimate low and give them 30 more years of life) they can certainly wait in their current house for 4 more years. Plus, nothing is stopping them from traveling now. I'm 45 with a 19 year old and can't imagine telling her to move out. Wtf is wrong with these people.
Maybe if OP was willing to vote for candidates who make laws that make sure we can all have a living wage this wouldn't be an issue.
You put you life on hold for your kids: its called 'parenting'. If you want to go chase your dreams of retirement, travel, etc, you still need to provide for your last child. You 3 need to sit down calmly and make a plan. Encourage your kid to get a job, and be willing to help him financially until he graduates, or gets on his feet financially. Budget! Dont just kick him to the curb without help. Not if you dont want him to despise you for the duration, maybe even longer. The disapproval of your other kids on how you are treating your youngest should have been a clue about how bad this current plan is.
In Toronto, Canada, it would be impossible for a 19 yr old to pay for university, have a job and be able to afford rent which is around $2300 for a 1 bdrm apartment. I would never do that to my children especially with such short notice. So if the parents have any long-term illness when they're elderly, they should expect help for 19 yrs from their son and then he can kick them to the curb like they did to him. Not cool.
I'm so glad that most people let these parents know what jetks they were
It's so easy to spot the boomers in the comments. "Hey, you had kids at 20, so obviously your kids should be fine at 19. It's still 25 years ago, right?"
I personally agree with everyone up top that they are the AH why can't they extend the same courtesy to let him finish collage before throwing his stuff out 45 is lucky to retire what's a couple more years they will still be retiring and possibly adding to that amount honestly sounds like favoritism
Those kids are absolutely right about ganging up against their parents over this. The parents are entitled a******s. 19 Is a child. In my country, that's a highschooler... Why they can't get two bedroom house? Or retire few years later, with even more money in savings? Jesus, i'm so mad right now....
If you are of the mentality that you are only responsible for/only parents for 18 years, I got news for you. None of them wake what the day after their 18th birthday and stop calling you mom and dad. Children are a life long commitment, the only thing that really changes is that everyone gets older!
Why do Americans feel that once you turn eighteen your automatically an adult? Can these people not see what is happening in society at the moment? Adults can barely afford to live much less teenagers.
One thing that stuck out to me: why, at 19 years old, does this young man not already have a job? Even if he's still living at home, he should still be working. Even if it's only a shítty, part time job. Not only would having a job allow him to already have some money saved up, but it would prepare him for adult life. Because you HAVE to work, when you're an adult. Plus it helps with adult social skills, etc. Yes, he's still young. But preparing our kids for an adult life of living on their own is a lifelong process. Parents who hand their kids everything, as it seems OP may have done, do not do their kids any favors. Those kids turn into adults who are very ill-prepared for the real world. As evidenced by this case. I'm NOT saying OP is right, wanting to kick their son out!! Just saying they all knew it was going to happen someday, and they could've already been doing some things to help him toward it. Now they want to boot him out, with with him having nothing in line for himself. That's not right, either.
I moved out of my childhood home at 19. BUT, that was almost 25 years ago. It was, as cliche as this sounds, a very different time. Now, it's almost impossible, at least financially, for a 19 y/o to move out and live by themselves. Especially with only a few months' notice. And the parents are still relatively young. They have time. I would postpone the move for at least a year. Give the young man time to find a job and save some money, and also find a place to live and maybe a roommate. Start charging him a small amount of rent, but save it, and give it back to him when he moves out, to help him, both in learning to pay rent, and by helping him save a little cushion of his own money, without him even realizing. And still pay first and last. He'll be 20 or almost 21 then, the same age as his siblings were when they moved out, and he'll have more time to get his ducks in a row. At least that would give him a fighting chance. And he wouldn't feel so abandoned.
i'm 36 and have never lived on my own, and wouldn't have been able to for the last 10 years anyway (or for the future) due to being disabled and on SSI (which is deeply insufficient for living on). and i've never wanted to! i can't fathom getting kicked out at 19 or even in mid-20s; people can still be SO stupid in their 20s! especially if they haven't been prepared for living on their own with the various life skills!
I was in this position at 18. I, as an unintitled adult, did not blame my parents. Truthfully, I really only thought about a solution. I ended up joining the military. Gave me time to grow up and supplied me with life long benefits like free health care and home buying loans. At 18 your an adult and should be making plans as an adult for what comes next. It's not all on your parents to hold your hand through your twenties.
I'm embarrassed that this AH is part of my generation. Kids are a lifelong commitment. If you can't make that, don't have kids. I would drop any part of my life to ensure my daughter's well being, health, and safety. I'm 58. She's an intelligent, resourceful, talented, and resilient 33yo. We share OUR house because we are a FAMILY. That doesn't change when your kids become adults. And, yes, we get along just fine because we treat each other as equals. She still has her life and I have mine. And the house is hers when I'm gone.
The other kids don't talk much to them either. Yeah, we all can imagine why. It's one thing to move out at 19 because you want to - I did, and yes, it did me good. I also had 18 months preparation time, could get a job in a factory with a modest but proper i.e. enough-to-live-on wage.
lol! Exactly what’s wrong with this world today! Children that wanna live with mommy a daddy an be taken care of! Why doesn’t he have a job an earning money a being a productive member of society! Instead like most youngins now a day she’s laying around an sponging of his parents
"he thinks a few months notice wasn't enough" this right here is what tells me their TA. I understand wanted to retire. I even understand wanting your kid to stand on their own two feet, but the way they're going about it is douchey at best. They gave his siblings until 22 it sound like, where they HAD TIME to find a job and a place and get things settled, but theyre freely admitting they've just told their 19y/o "not only do you notbget the same privilege your siblings got, but we also decided you weren't worth warning well ahead of time so you could prepare for that"
It all depends on what their kid is doing. If he is sitting around the house playing video games all day, by all means, it's time for him to be out on his own and letting his parents get on with the life they EARNED. If he is in college and working hard, they should be supporting him through that time. They could still pay for a state school, including room and board while they go off and live their life.
Insane parenting! I cannot IMAGINE doing this to my kid. They'll be lucky if they every have a good relationship with their kids after this. They decided to have kids, they're obligated to ensure that all their kids are in a good position to head out in the world. I agree with one of the commenters, this American custom of shoving your kids out the door at 18 is the weirdest thing. Unless your kids is a dead beat who does nothing but eat and play games day in and day out, what in the world is wrong with having them stay with you until they're set up? They COULD look for a 2 bed place in the city, they COULD still travel the world and have their child living at home. Seriously, this cannot be real. It's hard to believe people think like this.
Be fair, it's rough out there, waiting till he finishes college like his siblings did. He should have a job too.
The fact that they thought for a second that this was even an ok option makes them TA. But knowing that their other kids are fully against it shows them all they need to know. The reality is they are more than willing to abandon their youngest because they are just over being parents. Hopefully they adjust to that fully because they will lose all their kids and grands and they can finally be alone and enjoy each other since that's al they will have anyway. Hope it's worth it!
They CHOSE to have children. That means preparing a human being for independent life. Bad economic times mean that multigenerational households are skyrocketing. They have the economic means to ensure that their son manages to get an education without going into life-crippling debt, and they refuse to do that because they what, got bored with parenting and want to have fun? They don't love their kids. Kids were an ornament for them to show off. If you love your kids, you do all in your power to help them get a good start in life. It wouldn't be hard for them to get a place in the city with enough room for the son as well. They'd have someone watching the house whilst they travelled. This is just spite.
I would love to have a (responsible) 19 year old living at home, able to take care of the pets and water the plants while we travel. Thinking back to when I was 19 we never had crazy, furniture-breaking parties where the cops were called when our parents were away so I would trust my son completely. These parents are certainly a$$holes.
Sounds like you shouldn't have had a third child without more thought. Rent prices are atrocious these days, most of our kids simply can't afford to move out. Food prices as well have sky rocketed. Food banks are spread thinner than ever. Why isn't he in college? Getting computer engineers degree or any engineering degree goes further than flipping a burger. Shame on you for abandoning him. He doesn't need to go on vacations with you but he could be watching your condo. Give him a bedroom in your new place
Even in the US, the only people who toss their kids out at 18 are a******s or so poor that they can’t feed another mouth. There are some kids that never come home much after they go to college but they aren’t dumped by their parents.
If you consider him a squatter, will it be more palatable if he stays in your house while you're gone? Consider it. Or are you going to pay someone to check on your house while you travel?
With crazy situation that's pretty much everywhere, he'll end up homeless.
Those kids might not even get a chance to go to a good college because there parents are selfish. This is the exact problem in America. People don't want to have families anymore. They get hypnotized by the tv to have fun and awesome lives and can't wait to focus on themselves. That's a big reason why younger generations don't want to have children. They weren't taught good family values because so many are pushed from the nest and have family trauma. No one likes to talk about how things should be anymore unless their news stations say it's ok. We need more idealistic people Influencing others. We have bad influencers everywhere and not enough good ones. I was pushed from the nest young. I was already unhealthy. I got robbed by roommates. Ended up living with a man I hated and had to pretend to like until I got my ducks in a row, which was hard. It took my entire twenties. I skipped two grades in highschool and went to trade school. Being unsafe and making mistakes almost killed me.
At this time in America adults are so self-centered, that they choose to have a dog instead of a kid they can't be bothered to truly parent their offspring so. They get a dog. You should have gotten one then you could just drop him at the pound. YTA.
I paid rent to my parents while going to school... If they wanted me to move it I would have... Their kids sound spoiled, stop entitling your children
The OPs are totally NTA. I was in the exact opposite position. I kept trying to move out but couldn't. The first time I had planned to move out, I was 20 and came home to find my Dad dead. I stayed for a while so my Mom could be ready to be in her own. The second time, Mom had a stroke due to HBO so if course I stayed. She was back waitressing 6 weeks later btw. After a couple of more years I once again made plans to move out, and Mom had ANOTHER stroke due to narrowing of an artery in her neck. So, I ended up staying in the house, even though I desperately wanted out. I wasn't able to move until both Mom and my older brother (who moved back in after his divorce) both passed away. Mom first and brother six months later.
I can kind of see why this is happening, though. At his age, this couple was committed to each other and preparing for their first baby. Presumably, they had a place to live and at least one job. They were already building their nest. Meanwhile, this bird, at the same age, isn't ready to leave his childhood nest. Maybe a full boot out isn't in order, but some compromise is. Sit down with the kid and start planning a transition. Job or school, check out nearby towns and cities, start funding an account that will float his living expenses for a bit when he's ready to make the leap..... He will be less scared if given some time, help, and resources to prepare.
There are tons of job openings with tremendous career growth potential in the US Postal Service if this kid is an American citizen with reasonable intelligence. It's not like he'd be thrown to the wolves.
Honestly NTA for wanting him to move out to be able to downside since they did offer to pay first last deposit. But they are for the apparent favoritism by not waiting when they let the other kids finish college first. Here's another possible solution: sister offered to let him move in with her but only has a 1 bed and a kid. Cover moving expenses and first, last, deposit to get a 3 bedroom place for them as well as 3 months of his bills. That way sister and her husband have a room, grandchild has a room, and son has a room. Son can pay 1/3 rent and bills after the 3 months. 3 months would give him time to find a job and hopefully save a little bit before he has to start paying. It's more expensive than what OP offered but he's taking away 3 years from this kid that his siblings had
It certainly sounds like this 19 year old is not working, or going to school. Why is that? I think the parents should let him know what they intend to do, and give him a date that he needs to be able to move out. Not giving him a shove into the real world is enabling him to do nothing.
Seems to me your kids succeded in life not because of you but despite of you.
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