Dad Expects Kid To Forgive 20 Years Of Abuse Because He’s “Changed”, They Tell It Like It Is
Severing ties with someone who’s wronged you is a deeply personal decision that, chances are, not many people will understand.
Take this Redditor, for instance; u/Acron98, after over two decades of abuse, decided to cut their father out completely. Years later, after receiving professional help, it was said that the man was doing better – however, the netizen stood by their decision, which provoked their family to fabricate a congratulations message for their dad’s birthday. Upon finding out, the OP didn’t hold back, dropped a truth bomb, and got blasted for “living in the past.”
More info: Reddit
Person cuts contact with their father who abused the entire family for over two decades
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
The man gets help and reconciles with his wife and his other children – however, the netizen stands by their decision
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION (not the actual photo)
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION (not the actual photo)
Image source: u/Acron98
“AITA for not wanting to talk to my dad even though he got mental help and then making him cry for telling the truth on his birthday?” – this internet user took to one of Reddit’s most judgmental communities, asking its members if it was indeed a jerk move to set the record straight after finding out their family sent a fake birthday message from them to their once-abusive dad. The post managed to garner nearly 6K upvotes as well as 839 comments discussing the situation.
Did you know that according to a 2021 piece from Statista – a leading provider of market and consumer data that consolidates statistical data on over 80K topics – in that year, in the United States, 132,363 children were abused by their fathers?
There are a plethora of factors that could contribute to parental abuse; for example, individuals who’ve endured abuse themselves might subject their offspring to the same behavior, substance abuse, and as in today’s story’s case – mental health issues. Stress, poor parenting skills, and perhaps even unrealistic expectations folks hold about their kids, the non-accomplishment of which can lead to maltreatment. Whatever it is, these are some common examples – however, it’s vital to note that not one reason can justify such actions!
Physical abuse, emotional, sexual, verbal, or plain neglect – abuse has many forms and many intensities, the escape from which many can only find by cutting their abusers out.
Yes, even though sometimes it’s hard to believe, people do change! Yet, it’s the victim’s liberty to decide whether they want to forgive or forget. Some people can’t comprehend how one is able to cut off their own family member, but it’s all pretty straightforward: most of the time, it’s necessary to finally be at peace.
It’s an intimate decision that no one has the right to judge, let alone sabotage by fabricating congratulations messages and whatnot.
They later find out that their family faked a birthday message from them to their dad. They flip out and set the record straight
Image credits: Tima Miroshnichenko (not the actual photo)
Speaking about fabricating things, the author of this r/AmITheA**hole post recently had to blow off some steam on their relatives – who completely disregarded their wish concerning their father and went behind their back – hoping to set the record straight once and for all.
The thing is, their dad is an ex-abuser who kept the entire family on edge for over 20 years. Stuff got pretty bad, and the parents lost custody of their five children, resulting in their grandparents adopting them. Over a decade later, the grandparents died, the OP’s mom went back to her spouse, and all of the siblings also found a way to reconcile with their pa.
Upon the passing of his parents, the dad in question finally decided to get professional help, where he eventually got treated for bipolar disorder and the severe PTSD he acquired from the army. Since then, it was said that the man was doing much better and was overall a completely changed person.
Nevertheless, the Redditor didn’t want to have anything in common with their parent and decided to cut contact – however, their loved ones weren’t in awe of their choice and proceeded to guilt-trip them into speaking to him.
Now, fast forward to the man’s 70th birthday party that the netizen, of course, refused to attend; the OP’s fam made up a story in order to not upset the birthday boy and said that his child was on vacation abroad, but here’s the screwed-up part – they sent him a picture of the OP and their boyfriend alongside a congratulations message.
Upon learning the truth, u/Acron98 immediately called up their sibling and demanded to be put on speaker, where they clarified the matter and called their relatives out on being fakes.
Surprise, surprise, they got blasted for leaving their father in tears and earned the moniker of the biggest jerk.
What is your take on this rather delicate story?
Fellow online community members shared their thoughts and opinions on the situation
Mental health is a reason, not an excuse. You owe him nothing. If others choose to have a relationship with him, cool. But that doesn't mean you have to. Your family 100% should not have wished him a Happy Bday for you. If he contacts you, I would be polite, explain that you didn't send those wishes or pic and that you've chosen not to have a relationship with him, and end it there.
As a former mental health counselor, one of the major focuses of therapy is taking responsibility for how your issues may have affected your loved ones. Accepting that while you may be making huge changes, you need to let those you hurt come to you on their own terms, if they choose to do it at all. Communicate that you’re open to reconciling, but then let it go. OP is 100% in the right to go NC. Keep up those amazing boundaries OP!
“ Now all my extended relatives think I am a huge b\*tch”. Well, there’s a simple solution. You should never judge anyone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. So each of them can be beaten, badly, on a daily basis, for a couple of decades. And then they can call the OP whatever they like. Or they can shut up.
He took time to heal. So you're entitled to do the same. No one set a deadline on him, so they can't put one on you, either.
You can accept that your dad's behaviour was down to untreated mental illness, and that he's now "better", but that doesn't mean you have to put yourself through seeing him again. My mother could get help for her issues tomorrow and I still wouldn't be able to trust her, and at the end of the day I'm responsible for my own mental wellbeing, not hers.
There is a reason why bridges are burned and never rebuilt. People ought to respect that it's the wish of the abused party, something OP's sh*tbag family doesn't understand nor respect. Ought to tell them to go entertain her "father" for the rest of his days and leave her alone. Otherwise, just plain strap a restraining order in place if they decide to get ugly.
Restraining orders are useless. Speaking from experience here
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I too have been on the receiving end of an abusive father. I will likely be scorned for this but he died years ago, and it has made my life easier in that I haven't had to make decisions about whether or not to see him. I believe he would have been in denial, and family pressure would have been to gloss over it. Again I have been saved from this. I believe the OP should do whatever is right for them - and wish them the best of luck X
There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling. It's not only perfectly natural, you have every right to feel that way.
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Let me get this straight. They LIED to him to make him feel better, which inadvertently left him with a completely diluted observation that everything between you both is fine? They're all toxic, and you need to reevaluate your relationship with all of them. Also, if mental illness was so easily forgivable, then a lot less people would be in prison today. They still have to pay their debt to society and be held accountable for thier actions.
Regardless of mental illness or not, you're not entitled to forgiveness. Sad as it is. The dad is going to have to come to terms with the fact that the bond with one of his kids will never be repaired.
Holding on to a resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. This is going to color all your relationships going forward. I'm speaking from experience. My father was an alcoholic and an abuser. Find some peace about it within yourself (he never needs to know).
It sounds like they have done that and have chosen not to have a relationship with the abuser.
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I've had a ton of therapy, and have had to come to grips with some hurt I've caused other people in the past. Not anything like this, just emotional issues and drama. Even so, my therapist did a really great job of helping me see that my healing is not really related to anyone else's healing. I shouldn't expect to be able to jump back into the life of someone I've hurt just because I'm "better." Taking responsibility of the past means taking responsibility of the consequences of the past as well.
PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and it is a mental and behavioral disorder that can develop because of exposure to a traumatic event, such as sexual assault, warfare, traffic collisions, child abuse, domestic violence, or other threats on a person's life. OP could also have PTSD or even C-PTSD - complex post-traumatic stress disorder caused by her childhood trauma and the abusive father. But to cater to their once abusive husband/father OP's mom and brother demand that OP just forgets the trauma they've experienced and don't accept that OP also needs at least time, but in all cases compassion.
my parents put me thru alot of mental and emotional abuse. only reason im still talking to them is bc wen found out thru my therapist my parents didnt even realize they were doing so. my mom would do therapy sessions with me and every time the abuse happened my therapist would point it out. my mom would cry and apologize all the way home. she b a wreck for the next few days. my dad was always working so my mom had to watch him. the thing is they never got truly better until i met my now husband. he started calling them out on their s****y behavior. wen they noticed he was never taking their side and how angry hed get they decided that any conversations shouldnt b too personal and if i wanted to take personal it was up to me to start the conversation. i dont blame the OP for acting the way they did. they r 100% in the right to act that way.
A bridge requires sturdy posts on both ends. If OP is uncomfortable with creating the bridge, it will not hold and be a waste of time for both parties.
Tbh If I was you I would’ve gone on that trip after I heard about the lie they told your dad. ‘A vacation from the lies and harassment’ Bc you totally need that
NTA! You are a survivor of abuse. You have a completely valid reason for going no contact with the person who abused you. Your family members who are pressuring you to have contact with the person that hurt you are acting like AHs. Stay strong and continue to do what makes you happy. I am a survivor who also chose to go no contact with the people who hurt me. I hope your family members will start to respect you and your boundaries very soon. I am sending positive vibes and virtual hugs to you. 💜
NTA: Your dad is abusing you again by not respecting your wishes. A truly repentant person doesn't use his former victims as springboard for his growth. They learn boundaries and understand the needs of others. That's part of the growth process. You've made peace with your choices. He needs to make peace with his.
I have a similar problem with my own Dad. I was the golden child and my bro abused, and even as a kid I knew it was screwed up. My bro keeps telling me how much he has changed and I should talk to him, and now my Mom has taken up the same mantra. Supposedly if my bro can make peace with him I should. Somehow they don't understand when I say I *did* let it go and I'm not mad, it doesn't mean I want to start over. I just don't. This is what letting go IS.
Even if you do find yourself forgiving someone, you are still within your right to not have things go back to how they were before or even involve them in your life again.
NTA, but I can tell OP that holding onto anger is corrosive to the sole, it can turn you into a bitter person. You don't need to talk to him or forgive him either. But forgive yourself for being angry over your childhood, put it down and move on, find your own happiness
My old man was a violent alcoholic who I called the police on for major fistfights with my older brother, twice. I finally went NC with him, and felt relieved of a burden. Old man's will specifically disowns me in a paragraph after his death, while he also specified no offspring of his were to inherit. I had the last laugh, as the bastard didn't change beneficiary payouts of an IRA, so he gave me $16000 without evven knowing it. F**K you Dad, and thanks for the cash. I got that camera I've always wanted, thanks to dear old Dad. Canon EOS 5D Mk IV. He'd have called it a stupid purchase. The remainder helped my wife and I survive the Coronageddon.
I'm on the fence about the Daughter and the Father in this story. But the Brother is an a*s. He should never have made up that story to make his Dad happy. It's brutal but it's far better to be honest and tell him up front that she hasn't come to terms with the past and doesn't want to be here. And that's far less brutal than having her call and break it over speaker during the party. As for the Daughter and Father, I'm on the fence because I do agree that it's her decision to make. But at the same time refusing to speak to him even once means she doesn't ever get to see him as a genuine Father, only as an a*****e one. So she could potentially have a few good years worth of memories of him instead of just the bad ones.
I think the easiest way to explain this to people is the step in AA that covers making amends, as it's been discussed in so many tv shows & movies. Making amends is a person's way of apologizing for all the things they did wrong while they were under the influence of drugs & alcohol (though it could really apply to anything). BUT- & here's the big caveat- the person making the amends knows from the outset that just b/c you are offering your heartfelt apologies doesn't mean (or require) that everyone is going to accept them w/ open arms. That's part of the downside of taking responsibility for your actions. Some things just can't be fixed & a person in recovery or any type of therapy needs to deal w/ this. As someone who's bipolar, I've burned bridges over the years that I know I can't rebuild, & that's guilt I've dealt w/ in therapy
NTA. You went through hell, living with an abusive parent. That's not something that can be erased with a few well-chosen words. If part of your healing includes cutting off anyone who hinders it, then do it. No doctor, therapist, or clergyman, much less a detached family member, can even begin to fathom what you had to endure growing up. Your sperm donor caused a lot of damage; he's not trying to make up for it, he's trying to deny the seriousness of his actions and get you to do the same. You're never too old to learn that actions have consequences, sometimes permanent ones. He and his enablers will simply have to accept the fact that this is one bridge that will never be rebuilt under ANY circumstances. You've already told your family where you stand on this; anyone who refuses to acknowledge that should be immediately blocked and cut off. Your mental and emotional health takes precedence over the feelings of an unrepentant person.
Sounds like Dad has simply learned new tricks, e.g. manipulation and gaslighting. A parent can ASK for forgiveness. There's nothing wrong with asking. But EXPECTING to be forgiven and DEMANDING to be forgiven indicate, to me, that they don't understand the seriousness of what they did wrong. A person has to understand that they aren't owed forgiveness, and in the case of child abuse, honestly: don't deserve it. If they don't get it: they should move on and accept it.
Do not reconnect with your abuser if it is to your own detriment.
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Has the post-her received any mental health help? I'm not condoning abuse AT ALL and I'm not minimizing what the post-herbwent through but it seems to me like the 'villain' has finally made a change and wants to make amends while you 'living the fairytale' (as you responded to a comment) with this fiery resentment burning inside you still. Focus on you, help yourself. There's always three sides to a story: yours, theirs and the truth. The more you know💫
Mental health is a reason, not an excuse. You owe him nothing. If others choose to have a relationship with him, cool. But that doesn't mean you have to. Your family 100% should not have wished him a Happy Bday for you. If he contacts you, I would be polite, explain that you didn't send those wishes or pic and that you've chosen not to have a relationship with him, and end it there.
As a former mental health counselor, one of the major focuses of therapy is taking responsibility for how your issues may have affected your loved ones. Accepting that while you may be making huge changes, you need to let those you hurt come to you on their own terms, if they choose to do it at all. Communicate that you’re open to reconciling, but then let it go. OP is 100% in the right to go NC. Keep up those amazing boundaries OP!
“ Now all my extended relatives think I am a huge b\*tch”. Well, there’s a simple solution. You should never judge anyone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. So each of them can be beaten, badly, on a daily basis, for a couple of decades. And then they can call the OP whatever they like. Or they can shut up.
He took time to heal. So you're entitled to do the same. No one set a deadline on him, so they can't put one on you, either.
You can accept that your dad's behaviour was down to untreated mental illness, and that he's now "better", but that doesn't mean you have to put yourself through seeing him again. My mother could get help for her issues tomorrow and I still wouldn't be able to trust her, and at the end of the day I'm responsible for my own mental wellbeing, not hers.
There is a reason why bridges are burned and never rebuilt. People ought to respect that it's the wish of the abused party, something OP's sh*tbag family doesn't understand nor respect. Ought to tell them to go entertain her "father" for the rest of his days and leave her alone. Otherwise, just plain strap a restraining order in place if they decide to get ugly.
Restraining orders are useless. Speaking from experience here
Load More Replies... I too have been on the receiving end of an abusive father. I will likely be scorned for this but he died years ago, and it has made my life easier in that I haven't had to make decisions about whether or not to see him. I believe he would have been in denial, and family pressure would have been to gloss over it. Again I have been saved from this. I believe the OP should do whatever is right for them - and wish them the best of luck X
There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling. It's not only perfectly natural, you have every right to feel that way.
Load More Replies... Let me get this straight. They LIED to him to make him feel better, which inadvertently left him with a completely diluted observation that everything between you both is fine? They're all toxic, and you need to reevaluate your relationship with all of them. Also, if mental illness was so easily forgivable, then a lot less people would be in prison today. They still have to pay their debt to society and be held accountable for thier actions.
Regardless of mental illness or not, you're not entitled to forgiveness. Sad as it is. The dad is going to have to come to terms with the fact that the bond with one of his kids will never be repaired.
Holding on to a resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. This is going to color all your relationships going forward. I'm speaking from experience. My father was an alcoholic and an abuser. Find some peace about it within yourself (he never needs to know).
It sounds like they have done that and have chosen not to have a relationship with the abuser.
Load More Replies... I've had a ton of therapy, and have had to come to grips with some hurt I've caused other people in the past. Not anything like this, just emotional issues and drama. Even so, my therapist did a really great job of helping me see that my healing is not really related to anyone else's healing. I shouldn't expect to be able to jump back into the life of someone I've hurt just because I'm "better." Taking responsibility of the past means taking responsibility of the consequences of the past as well.
PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and it is a mental and behavioral disorder that can develop because of exposure to a traumatic event, such as sexual assault, warfare, traffic collisions, child abuse, domestic violence, or other threats on a person's life. OP could also have PTSD or even C-PTSD - complex post-traumatic stress disorder caused by her childhood trauma and the abusive father. But to cater to their once abusive husband/father OP's mom and brother demand that OP just forgets the trauma they've experienced and don't accept that OP also needs at least time, but in all cases compassion.
my parents put me thru alot of mental and emotional abuse. only reason im still talking to them is bc wen found out thru my therapist my parents didnt even realize they were doing so. my mom would do therapy sessions with me and every time the abuse happened my therapist would point it out. my mom would cry and apologize all the way home. she b a wreck for the next few days. my dad was always working so my mom had to watch him. the thing is they never got truly better until i met my now husband. he started calling them out on their s****y behavior. wen they noticed he was never taking their side and how angry hed get they decided that any conversations shouldnt b too personal and if i wanted to take personal it was up to me to start the conversation. i dont blame the OP for acting the way they did. they r 100% in the right to act that way.
A bridge requires sturdy posts on both ends. If OP is uncomfortable with creating the bridge, it will not hold and be a waste of time for both parties.
Tbh If I was you I would’ve gone on that trip after I heard about the lie they told your dad. ‘A vacation from the lies and harassment’ Bc you totally need that
NTA! You are a survivor of abuse. You have a completely valid reason for going no contact with the person who abused you. Your family members who are pressuring you to have contact with the person that hurt you are acting like AHs. Stay strong and continue to do what makes you happy. I am a survivor who also chose to go no contact with the people who hurt me. I hope your family members will start to respect you and your boundaries very soon. I am sending positive vibes and virtual hugs to you. 💜
NTA: Your dad is abusing you again by not respecting your wishes. A truly repentant person doesn't use his former victims as springboard for his growth. They learn boundaries and understand the needs of others. That's part of the growth process. You've made peace with your choices. He needs to make peace with his.
I have a similar problem with my own Dad. I was the golden child and my bro abused, and even as a kid I knew it was screwed up. My bro keeps telling me how much he has changed and I should talk to him, and now my Mom has taken up the same mantra. Supposedly if my bro can make peace with him I should. Somehow they don't understand when I say I *did* let it go and I'm not mad, it doesn't mean I want to start over. I just don't. This is what letting go IS.
Even if you do find yourself forgiving someone, you are still within your right to not have things go back to how they were before or even involve them in your life again.
NTA, but I can tell OP that holding onto anger is corrosive to the sole, it can turn you into a bitter person. You don't need to talk to him or forgive him either. But forgive yourself for being angry over your childhood, put it down and move on, find your own happiness
My old man was a violent alcoholic who I called the police on for major fistfights with my older brother, twice. I finally went NC with him, and felt relieved of a burden. Old man's will specifically disowns me in a paragraph after his death, while he also specified no offspring of his were to inherit. I had the last laugh, as the bastard didn't change beneficiary payouts of an IRA, so he gave me $16000 without evven knowing it. F**K you Dad, and thanks for the cash. I got that camera I've always wanted, thanks to dear old Dad. Canon EOS 5D Mk IV. He'd have called it a stupid purchase. The remainder helped my wife and I survive the Coronageddon.
I'm on the fence about the Daughter and the Father in this story. But the Brother is an a*s. He should never have made up that story to make his Dad happy. It's brutal but it's far better to be honest and tell him up front that she hasn't come to terms with the past and doesn't want to be here. And that's far less brutal than having her call and break it over speaker during the party. As for the Daughter and Father, I'm on the fence because I do agree that it's her decision to make. But at the same time refusing to speak to him even once means she doesn't ever get to see him as a genuine Father, only as an a*****e one. So she could potentially have a few good years worth of memories of him instead of just the bad ones.
I think the easiest way to explain this to people is the step in AA that covers making amends, as it's been discussed in so many tv shows & movies. Making amends is a person's way of apologizing for all the things they did wrong while they were under the influence of drugs & alcohol (though it could really apply to anything). BUT- & here's the big caveat- the person making the amends knows from the outset that just b/c you are offering your heartfelt apologies doesn't mean (or require) that everyone is going to accept them w/ open arms. That's part of the downside of taking responsibility for your actions. Some things just can't be fixed & a person in recovery or any type of therapy needs to deal w/ this. As someone who's bipolar, I've burned bridges over the years that I know I can't rebuild, & that's guilt I've dealt w/ in therapy
NTA. You went through hell, living with an abusive parent. That's not something that can be erased with a few well-chosen words. If part of your healing includes cutting off anyone who hinders it, then do it. No doctor, therapist, or clergyman, much less a detached family member, can even begin to fathom what you had to endure growing up. Your sperm donor caused a lot of damage; he's not trying to make up for it, he's trying to deny the seriousness of his actions and get you to do the same. You're never too old to learn that actions have consequences, sometimes permanent ones. He and his enablers will simply have to accept the fact that this is one bridge that will never be rebuilt under ANY circumstances. You've already told your family where you stand on this; anyone who refuses to acknowledge that should be immediately blocked and cut off. Your mental and emotional health takes precedence over the feelings of an unrepentant person.
Sounds like Dad has simply learned new tricks, e.g. manipulation and gaslighting. A parent can ASK for forgiveness. There's nothing wrong with asking. But EXPECTING to be forgiven and DEMANDING to be forgiven indicate, to me, that they don't understand the seriousness of what they did wrong. A person has to understand that they aren't owed forgiveness, and in the case of child abuse, honestly: don't deserve it. If they don't get it: they should move on and accept it.
Do not reconnect with your abuser if it is to your own detriment.
Load More Replies... Has the post-her received any mental health help? I'm not condoning abuse AT ALL and I'm not minimizing what the post-herbwent through but it seems to me like the 'villain' has finally made a change and wants to make amends while you 'living the fairytale' (as you responded to a comment) with this fiery resentment burning inside you still. Focus on you, help yourself. There's always three sides to a story: yours, theirs and the truth. The more you know💫
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