Woman Keeps Criticizing Her BIL For Not Taking His Autistic Kid To A Theme Park, Throws A Fit After Getting Put In Her Place
Perhaps all parents are well aware that parenthood is both a great joy and a great responsibility, children give us a whole range of emotions, from joy to sadness, and these emotions do not always come directly from the children themselves. This, as you probably already guessed, is about the judgments of other people.
It is especially insulting and painful for parents of children with special needs to face such judgments – after all, condemnation often comes not just from complete strangers, but sometimes from those who have never had children at all and they don’t know what it’s actually like. And then, when the parents’ nerves can’t stand it and they break down in response, people simply accuse them of incompetence. All in all, a common story.
For example, the same one happened to the family of this man under the nickname u/Blue_seaAndsky, whose story in the AITA Reddit community has racked up almost 900 upvotes and about one and a half hundred different comments in a few months. Doubly offensive for the author of the post, by the way, it turned out that the condemnation in his case came from one of his family members. However, let’s talk about everything in order…
More info: Reddit
The author of the initial post has three children, two boys and a 4 Y.O. girl
Image credits: Daniel Walker (not the actual photo)
So, the author of the post and his wife have three children: two boys, 9 and 7 years old, and a 4-year-old girl. The OP’s youngest daughter is autistic and nonverbal, so the parents try to adjust their lives and activities to her needs – for example, they have equipped a sensory room in their house where the child is comfortable and where she spends most of her time.
Image credits: Blue_seaAndsky
The girl has ASD and the parents do their best to make her life more comfortable
However, parenting children with special needs is like an iceberg, because most of what parents have to do is simply not visible to strangers, and even to many relatives. This is what happened to the OP. One fine day, when he and his family were visiting their parents, his brother and SIL were also there.
Image credits: Blue_seaAndsky
During a conversation at the table, the OP’s mother asked how they planned to celebrate the upcoming birthday of their eldest son, who was about to turn ten. The OP’s wife said that she and the boys will go to a theme park where the children will ride the train for the first time in their lives. The SIL asked where their daughter would be at that time, and the OP explained that she would stay at home with dad because large crowds overwhelm her so much.
Image credits: Blue_seaAndsky
The father’s SIL stated that the girl should be taken to the theme park with her elder brothers as it seemed “unfair” for her to stay at home
In response, the SIL unexpectedly stated that it would not be fair to the girl, because her brothers would have fun and walk in the park while she stayed at home. The OP tried to politely explain to the woman the specifics of the nervous system of children with ASD, and that it would be better for the child’s mental health to stay at home, while the older children deliberately asked for this trip to the theme park.
Image credits: Blue_seaAndsky
It seems that the conflict was settled, but after a while, the SIL again stated that the OP and his wife were bad parents, since they were denying their daughter the joys of going to the park with the whole family. According to the woman, they look cruel to their daughter and are doing a terrible job at parenting. Moreover, the SIL literally demanded that the girl also be taken for a walk in the park.
Image credits: Blue_seaAndsky
Being offended by unjust accusations, the man told her that he doesn’t appreciate parenting advice from people with no parenting experience
The OP’s nerves couldn’t take it anymore. He literally shut up the SIL by saying that he and his wife don’t appreciate being criticized by people without any parenting experience. Apparently, the man found a “pain point” in his opponent, because she and his brother have not been able to conceive a child in any way, and they collected money for IVF. In any case, the woman was offended and fell silent, while the brother called the OP a jerk and said that he definitely crossed the line.
Image credits: Blue_seaAndsky
Some of the children with ASD really cannot go to public places, as expert states
“Children with autism spectrum disorders have absolutely different needs,” states Dr. Maria Makarus, a psychiatrist from Ukraine, with whom Bored Panda got in touch for a comment on this story. “Actually, one child with ASD is not at all like another child with ASD. Some of these kids really cannot go to public places because they have sensory impairments such as hyperacusis, proprioception disorders, hyperesthesia to light (photophobia), smells (hyperosmia) and so on.”
“By the way, smells can lead to so-called ‘sensory overload’, and as a result, there may be a violation of sleep, appetite, anxiety and ‘rollback’ in the development of the child. So the parents’ decision in this very situation is totally understandable, especially if they’d previously consulted with the doctors regarding their daughter,” says Dr. Makarus.
Image source: Dushan Hanuska (not the actual photo)
People in the comments almost unanimously sided with the father, claiming his SIL to be incompetent and insulting
Of course, the vast majority of people in the comments sided with the Original Poster and his wife in this conflict. Some commenters said that, being autistic people themselves, they are well aware in this situation how difficult it would be for a child to travel to a crowded theme park. Moreover, according to the commenters, it seems that the OP and his wife are accommodating their kid rather than excluding her, and their SIL has absolutely no right and no grounds to tell them otherwise.
Also, according to commenters, it’s a classic when people stick their noses in where they don’t belong and the wrong thing is said. Yes, the Original Poster’s reaction was perhaps a bit over the top as it touched on a sensitive topic for his sister-in-law, but either way, she was wrong as she initiated the conflict herself on numerous occasions.
We’re pretty sure you’ve already made up your mind about who’s right and who’s wrong in this particular story, so please feel free to leave your comments below the post.
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Share on Facebooknta. i have autism and i HATE theme parks. if op's daughter has a sensory trigger to crowds, then wouldn't it be better for her to be happy and stay home than to be miserable at the theme park? besides, she's 4 years old, she won't really have many rides to go on.
My son loves theme parks but we have learnt that to carry his ear defenders with us at all times. Just in case it gets to much for him.
Load More Replies...Children should be treated with equal regard and equal respect. That doesn't mean the same, especially when they have different needs or desires. To not go at all to anything that the youngest was not able to go to would be penalising the other children for their sister being autistic.
And I feel like it would cause the other kids to become resentful towards their sister.
Load More Replies...I don't have autism and I LOATHE theme parks. I would literally scoop out my own lungs with a grapefruit spoon than go to one of those places.
That sounds extremely painful,! You're right, better miss the theme parks and do things that do make you happy instead. Everyone's happy is different.
Load More Replies...OP is being a good parent here - yes, it sucks that an autistic-spectrum four-year old can't enjoy everything that a neurotypical child enjoys. As she gets older, it may make her feel left out, and her parents will need to make sure she doesn't feel excluded from family outings. At the same time, denying their other kids days out just because their sister wouldn't enjoy it is unfair to them, and would cause a lot of resentment. Parents need to strike a balance, and this pair sound like they're doing fine. SIL needs to learn when to drop the subject and stop critisizing. Yes, it hurts to be told "you're not a parent" if you desperately want to be, and are dealing with infertility. It also hurts to be told "you're a terrible parent" and "being cruel to your daughter" when you are balancing the different needs of your children the best you can. OP could stand to choose his words a little more carefully, but SIL could definately stand to STFU about how to parent children on the spectrum.
it doesnt suck though. as someone with autism im constantly pitied for not enjoying things that most people do or vice versa. when i had just two friends over for a halloween party everyone said "well it'll probably still be fun." like. yeah??? that's why i invited them? why is it that when i do things that genuinely make me happy people say it "sucks" because its not what most people like? why does it "suck" that i don't like school dances or large gatherings? im perfectly happy how i am, and so are most other people on the spectrum
Load More Replies...nta. i have two perspectives on this issue. first, i have an autistic (high functioning) child who is now 21. there were many times that he wasn't taken to places due to too much stimuli that would/could trigger him. people who do not understand the spectrum usually don't understand the things that a parent has to do for their child. secondly, i was in a wheelchair back in the early 60s when theme parks and populated places did not have any access. my two older siblings were taken to disneyland while i was left at home. i didn't like it but understood. being in a chair isn't the same as being autistic but the point being that parents make decisions for their kids the best they can. btw finally did go to mickey world when i was 25. was an adult during the day but when night came and the lights went up i was 6 yrs old again and had the best time.
The SIL sounds like the type of person that might force her idea of fun on others whether they like it or not. Then, be flabbergasted and judgmental as to why someone may not be having fun because it's not what they want to do. In other words, she seems to have a hard time thinking outside of herself.
NTA, I'm autistic but I enjoy theme parks if I have some noise cancelling headphones and if it's not that crowded. My family and I usually go during winter and spring which is when there's less people. However, not all autistic people are the same. What works for me won't work for every one else. Just because headphones work for me doesn't mean that it works for every. My dad is also autistic and headphones don't work for him so he often stays at home whilst we go. It's not that we don't care about him or hate him, it's that we do care about him and his needs.
I'd say NTA even if the daughter weren't autistic. 4-year-olds get tired and cranky long before a 10-year-old would (in general, YMMV) plus there are likely to be many rides that she'd be too short to go on. Why spoil the birthday boy's day, when their sister could be having a one-on-one special day with a parent? "Treat them fairly" =/= "either everyone goes or no one does."
You have nothing to apologize for and if your family doesn't have your back I would let them know future contact with all of your children hangs on their response. God bless you for taking care of your precious daughter.
NTA. Ah yes, take your scared, overwhelmed, and panicking daughter to a loud and crowded theme park that she doesn't want to go to. I don't even have autism (but I do have hypersensitivity) and I'd go insane. After 3 panic attacks ("humiliating" my family in public), my mom has learned to let me stay at home.
NTA for all of the reasons. My 15yo son is autistic and loves theme parks now, but if I had taken him when he was that young, he would have had a full on meltdown. That s**t takes time to work up to. The parents here absolutely did peak parenting. Making sure their ASD daughter is comfortable without sacrificing their other kids. SIL is a nosy, judgmental b***h, and deserved to be put in her place.
This is the type of woman who should not have kids. She doesn't understand their basic needs. I don't even have kids and I know what OP is doing is the right thing. It's common sense, something SIL has zero of. If SIL had kids, they'd all hate her. She'd be a dictator and wouldn't actually listen to them or learn what each child needs.
As someone who has been going through IVF for the past 4 years, I think he's NTA. She very much is, though. One thing you do not do is criticise another person's parenting, unless they are clearly being abusive. You should especially not do this if you do not have children of your own. Added to this, the SIL *must* know about her niece's autism, so she's doubly the AH.
Setting aside for a moment that the youngest is on the autistic spectrum, it is unfair to re-work an elder child's birthday party to suit their younger sibling(s), as what would be age appropriate for/entertain a younger child is might not suit the older child anymore. It seems SIL was either recommending taking the youngest to a place that she would hate, or changing the plans for the birthday party away from something which the eldest had requested - both options could spoil the boy's birthday. It seems SIL was trying to champion her niece but without realising the impact on her nephew's birthday celebrations, and SIL apparently lacks/ed understanding of ASD and its impacts on her niece's life and OP's daughter spends her time.
She's 4 years old. How many rides can she even go on? Also she is probably still in the nap stage which makes going anywhere fun challenging. Most 4 year olds don't do well at an amusement park even if they don't have autism. It was a great decision to keep her home. One of my brothers has motion sickness. Therefore amusement parks were a no go for him when we were kids. Lots of parents have reasons to take some of their kids to an amusement park and not take others. The SIL is a moron.
One of my nephews is autistic. Sometimes he can handle crowds and noises and sometimes he can't. So obviously sometimes he comes to birthday parties amongst our family and sometimes he doesn't. At no point do any of us question my sister's judgment on when he attends and when he doesn't. That's because none of us live with him 24/7 and know when his good/bad days are. Also when he doesn't attend, he is well cared for and happy at home with dad while the 3 nieces come to the party with mom and are happy to have fun socializing and playing. In my opinion splitting the family in some instances is better than making everyone unhappy by missing out or making some unhappy by being overwhelmed. Do I miss time with my nephew? Absolutely! But his happiness and positive development means more than anything. This little girl isn't being excluded, she's being accommodated. That's what a good parent does.
I hate people who give advice that clearly don't know what the eff they're talking about.
Assuming that all children enjoy the same things would be bad parenting. This family is putting in the effort to meet the needs of each of their children, even if it means one of the adults has to forego the fun (if they were interested, that is). More parents should consider what their kids actually want and need.
The parents recognize what their daughter needs and what isn't a good fit. They are great for allowing the boys to have fun and preventing stress for the daughter.
While I don't have ASD, I do deal with bipolar disorder, social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and PTSD and I understand being overwhelmed by sounds, people, and just too much energy around me. I have to have a calm, peaceful environment in order to function, at all. The OP really could have just said that his family didn't need advice from someone who obviously knew very little about ASD, instead of zeroing in on the one thing that he, no doubt, knew could hurt her the worst. However, her husband/his brother might have run interference and reminded her that she doesn't understand what they deal with every day. Apparently, neither does the brother. Maybe they should read a book or two, or offer to babysit. They might gain some understanding.
I am not a parent because I'm unable to have children. But I have been raising other people's children for 40 years one of the first things I learned was that if a child has a special need you don't question it you do what the parents ask you to do because 99.9% of the time it is in the child's best interest. I have my own opinions but I never shove them off onto other people I keep my mouth quiet unless I'm asked for those opinions. Opie is looking out for the best interest of his child with special needs. I do not have experience with children with autism but even if I did I would never presume to tell a parent what is best for their child because special needs are otherwise the parents always know what's best everything else is someone else's opinion not necessarily fact.
Something that wasn't even touched on in the story: How does the daughter feel about it? It's quite different if she wants to go than if she would much rather not.
Treating all siblings in a family 'the same' is not always the right thing. You should know your kids well enough to know what they'll be able to enjoy and manage. Most 2 yr olds would want or enjoy eating steak. Just because their 3 older siblings do, should you give steak to the toddler because it's delicious and you don't want her to miss out? If you know your 6 year old is scared of getting water in her face and eyes, would you take her and make go on a waterlide because her brother loves the waterslide and you want her to see how much fun it is? Each child has different abilities and capabilities. Parents know their kids and good parents love their kids enough to respect their limitations. These seem to be great parents. The child who is terrified of crowds and theme park-type activites should be allowed to stay where she feels content and safe. The kids who wanna enjoy a day of rides, sights, sounds, smells and colours should be allowed to do so!
NTA. I am not autistic and I hate theme parks. Don't apologize, you did nothing wrong. She overstepped her bounds by implying she knew more about parenting your children or children then you did.
You were both wrong. Both are going through something the other doesn't understand and one blew up, it happens. Both apologized and supposedly moved on, although posting it online would suggest otherwise.
OP is merely stating a fact that JUST HAPPENS to hit her sore spot. Sucks to her. It would make no sense for OP to call SIL out for not being a psychologist/psychiatrist or having autism (the only other people who actually know their sh*t), does it? OP JUST HAPPENS to be a parent. One of the only two parents of the kid in question. So you agree you should forbid to state a hard, cold FACT just because it will "hurt someone's feelings"? If they cannot take logical and reasonable criticism, maybe they should start learning to only mind their own business and only their own. Not to mention, what kind of 4-year-old can even PHYSICALLY enjoy amusement park? Did you wishfully add an 1 by the left of the 4? PS: SIL should NEVER be a parent or any sort of guardian. EVER. Maybe you too.
Load More Replies...I think you made the right decision for your family. Your daughter being 4 has plenty of time to be exposed to situations that are overwhelming right now. Many parks and movie theater and other entertainment venues work with the Autism Society and have sensor nights. Science centers, museums, aquariums as well. Also the decision you made shows your older kids there is a time they will need to compromise with the needs of their sister. As well as time she will have to compromise. Spiltting up one staying with her is a great compromise. Including her by having a cake and small party or special dinner at home.
Nta, be op could have just asked if she wanted that the girl gets a panic attack and scream all the time they're there, why she wants to torture op's daughter. This would shut them up forever and maybe they finally learn why op decided this way.
HTF does an inability to have children excuse morally superior, ignorantly priggish AH behavior? That's as logical as saying "Ah, I can say you deserved to lose your home to a fire because I can't afford to buy one and live in an apartment!". One absolutely has nothing to do with the other and just shines the light of bad judgment skills on these AH people .
OP is definitely in the right here. Even if his daughter wasn't autistic, as someone has already pointed out, she's four. There aren't a lot of options for 4-year-olds unless you go somewhere like Disneyland or to a theme park that's specifically for young children. And with her being autistic, being at a theme park would be sensory h*'ll for her. His SIL seems to be trying to come from a good place with that whole 'if one child can't go, then none of them should' but then she kept going after he explained why they weren't taking their daughter. Should have just shut up about it after that.
as a parent of an autistic kid myself I can relate to others not fully understanding what we as parents go through, but the SIL is the AH here mind your own fucken business when it comes to how others raise their kids especially if you don't have kids yourself because you really don't know s**t about parenting.
Giving unhelpful advice when you have no knowledge or experience to back it up causes cellulite. You wanna risk that, SIL?
If "everything is fine now" between you/SIL/brother, then why bother to post this at all? What purpose did you intend it to serve?
maybe if you forced the child to do things out of her comfort zone instead of thinking the world is going to revolve around her and her needs she could go. when I was in school not all that long ago these types of kids didnt exist because they were told to cut out the nonsense they knew no one was going to cater to their needs so they had to learn to deal with it. I cant stand parents that coddle their kids and raise them pretending the rest of the world is gonna date about her "special" needs
You don't even know what the hell you're talking about. Nothing you said is even age appropriate for preschoolers. Even if the kid in question was not autistic, amusement parks are not designed for 4-year-olds. Not to mention, taking them to a perpetually crowded amusement park would only result in one parent constantly watching over (or better said, literally attached to) the kid and doing pretty much nothing else other than sitting and maybe eating, getting bored the entire time. A total waste of entrance fee. Plus the risk of losing the kid (or even kidnapped) is totally NOT worth it. And the "literally attaching to the kid" is not a joke. My idiot of a father lost me on a practically empty pedestrian bridge (there were literally just me, him, and an old lady selling champaca). He just walked away, I went for the flower (oh, I'm autistic) and he just lost me. Mom contacted police ASAP worrying I would be ca over the border (once crossed, I would be at best human trafficked).
Load More Replies...NTA. They were doing what was fair to all the children and that is what is best. Older children got to have a good day and so did youngest. Sil didn't need to input an opinion unless they have experience with children with sensory issues and even then, should have been reluctant to give it.
Both are AH here. 1. She doesn't understand your situation so she has no right to comment on your parenting. That would be true regardless of her situation. 2. It was a cheap shot and you know it or you wouldn't ask that you brought up she doesn't have children. Absolutely 2 separate issues. A person can be childless and still understand the Autism Spectrum and other issues that come with have children. Being childless doesn't make you dumb. Being ignorant makes you dumb and in this case I think you both hit the nail on the head. You both need to apologize, be more understand, less defensive and then you might not be AH.
Then from which perspective should OP call out SIL knowing nothing? She isn't a psychologist/psychiatrist/not autistic? Is it even common sense? The slightly better way to say it is she is not the kid's patent. Like literally adding an adjective? Honestly, nobody should even even take an average 4-year-old to an amusement park (spoken from the perspective of having one parent losing me twice in a childhood, first time was around 3-4, and thank god when it happened in a crowded place for the 2nd time, I was around 9). Frankly, SIL doesn't even know how to act like an average functioning adult. It's a blessing to any new souls that she can't get pregnant. Sometimes, facts are just so stone cold, no amount of sugar can seal away the fact.
Load More Replies...I work for one many parents just give them disposable ear plugs and they absolutely have a blast and love going to the parks.
How do you even know if the kid can even stand the sensation of getting her ear holes stuffed? And she's just a 4-year-old? What can she do there? If the only thing her parents can do is having one of them constantly holding her hands/keeping her withing their sight and can do practically nothing else (how many facilities can an average 4-year-old even quality to enter?), then what is the difference? Just physically outside home?
Load More Replies...I have a nephew who is non verbal, sensory issues, likes to stim, didn't like loud noises ext. I think a lot of parents under estimate kids in the spectrum. While he has never liked loud noises or crowds the kid (now teenager) ALWAYS loved Disney. He went every couple of years from a baby and while he would get nervous because he didn't like some things you could see his mind working behind his eyes to press through so that he could enjoy the park. He didn't care for the rides, but he likes walking around and looking at the most magical place on earth. Later he developed a love for zoos and watching animals, and he also enjoyed going to Busch Gardens and meeting the sesame Street characters. I'm my opinion if you fail to expose your child to that kind of stuff because of their autism you're actively making their world smaller.
I have one that stays home for certain events with me, especially evening ones. He sleeps at a certain time when other kids aren't tired.
NTA MAM. your SIL opened her mouth and gave an option In which she has NO EXPERIENCE. And NOT a CLUE. My son has Aspburger Syndrome and is EXTREMELY HIGH FUNCTIONING. Yes. He CAN go to an Amusement PARK. even though he can AND does GET SLIGHTLY FIGITY. But even with him. HE doesn't eat with the family at X Mas HELL he barely OPENS HIS X Mas gifts with the family!! Due to OVER STIMULATION. You AND YOUR Husband Did the CORRECT thing. Your SIL WILL get a REALITY CHECK if they ever have a child of their own
Personally as a Parent, I felt EXTREAMLY BAITED by Bored Panda. I do Not like this.
I would give the 4yr old a chance and see if it really actually upsets her. Maybe it’s just you personally, who upsets her. Don’t leave her out or excluded from anything. Offer her the opportunity to feel and see what everyone else is doing. It seems to me that you’re just trying to add insult to her “issue” and not actually finding a way to help heal and deal with what is happening. FYI - Therapeutic home for behavioral and medical needs!
Even average 4-year-olds aren't fit for amusement park. They simply lack a few years of physical development. Jackass.
Load More Replies...I want to apologize to every one who was offended by the first part of my post. Op says he couldn't get sil to understand what having special needs child was like. She wasn't getting the point. I didn't mean to cause any issues .
Load More Replies...nta. i have autism and i HATE theme parks. if op's daughter has a sensory trigger to crowds, then wouldn't it be better for her to be happy and stay home than to be miserable at the theme park? besides, she's 4 years old, she won't really have many rides to go on.
My son loves theme parks but we have learnt that to carry his ear defenders with us at all times. Just in case it gets to much for him.
Load More Replies...Children should be treated with equal regard and equal respect. That doesn't mean the same, especially when they have different needs or desires. To not go at all to anything that the youngest was not able to go to would be penalising the other children for their sister being autistic.
And I feel like it would cause the other kids to become resentful towards their sister.
Load More Replies...I don't have autism and I LOATHE theme parks. I would literally scoop out my own lungs with a grapefruit spoon than go to one of those places.
That sounds extremely painful,! You're right, better miss the theme parks and do things that do make you happy instead. Everyone's happy is different.
Load More Replies...OP is being a good parent here - yes, it sucks that an autistic-spectrum four-year old can't enjoy everything that a neurotypical child enjoys. As she gets older, it may make her feel left out, and her parents will need to make sure she doesn't feel excluded from family outings. At the same time, denying their other kids days out just because their sister wouldn't enjoy it is unfair to them, and would cause a lot of resentment. Parents need to strike a balance, and this pair sound like they're doing fine. SIL needs to learn when to drop the subject and stop critisizing. Yes, it hurts to be told "you're not a parent" if you desperately want to be, and are dealing with infertility. It also hurts to be told "you're a terrible parent" and "being cruel to your daughter" when you are balancing the different needs of your children the best you can. OP could stand to choose his words a little more carefully, but SIL could definately stand to STFU about how to parent children on the spectrum.
it doesnt suck though. as someone with autism im constantly pitied for not enjoying things that most people do or vice versa. when i had just two friends over for a halloween party everyone said "well it'll probably still be fun." like. yeah??? that's why i invited them? why is it that when i do things that genuinely make me happy people say it "sucks" because its not what most people like? why does it "suck" that i don't like school dances or large gatherings? im perfectly happy how i am, and so are most other people on the spectrum
Load More Replies...nta. i have two perspectives on this issue. first, i have an autistic (high functioning) child who is now 21. there were many times that he wasn't taken to places due to too much stimuli that would/could trigger him. people who do not understand the spectrum usually don't understand the things that a parent has to do for their child. secondly, i was in a wheelchair back in the early 60s when theme parks and populated places did not have any access. my two older siblings were taken to disneyland while i was left at home. i didn't like it but understood. being in a chair isn't the same as being autistic but the point being that parents make decisions for their kids the best they can. btw finally did go to mickey world when i was 25. was an adult during the day but when night came and the lights went up i was 6 yrs old again and had the best time.
The SIL sounds like the type of person that might force her idea of fun on others whether they like it or not. Then, be flabbergasted and judgmental as to why someone may not be having fun because it's not what they want to do. In other words, she seems to have a hard time thinking outside of herself.
NTA, I'm autistic but I enjoy theme parks if I have some noise cancelling headphones and if it's not that crowded. My family and I usually go during winter and spring which is when there's less people. However, not all autistic people are the same. What works for me won't work for every one else. Just because headphones work for me doesn't mean that it works for every. My dad is also autistic and headphones don't work for him so he often stays at home whilst we go. It's not that we don't care about him or hate him, it's that we do care about him and his needs.
I'd say NTA even if the daughter weren't autistic. 4-year-olds get tired and cranky long before a 10-year-old would (in general, YMMV) plus there are likely to be many rides that she'd be too short to go on. Why spoil the birthday boy's day, when their sister could be having a one-on-one special day with a parent? "Treat them fairly" =/= "either everyone goes or no one does."
You have nothing to apologize for and if your family doesn't have your back I would let them know future contact with all of your children hangs on their response. God bless you for taking care of your precious daughter.
NTA. Ah yes, take your scared, overwhelmed, and panicking daughter to a loud and crowded theme park that she doesn't want to go to. I don't even have autism (but I do have hypersensitivity) and I'd go insane. After 3 panic attacks ("humiliating" my family in public), my mom has learned to let me stay at home.
NTA for all of the reasons. My 15yo son is autistic and loves theme parks now, but if I had taken him when he was that young, he would have had a full on meltdown. That s**t takes time to work up to. The parents here absolutely did peak parenting. Making sure their ASD daughter is comfortable without sacrificing their other kids. SIL is a nosy, judgmental b***h, and deserved to be put in her place.
This is the type of woman who should not have kids. She doesn't understand their basic needs. I don't even have kids and I know what OP is doing is the right thing. It's common sense, something SIL has zero of. If SIL had kids, they'd all hate her. She'd be a dictator and wouldn't actually listen to them or learn what each child needs.
As someone who has been going through IVF for the past 4 years, I think he's NTA. She very much is, though. One thing you do not do is criticise another person's parenting, unless they are clearly being abusive. You should especially not do this if you do not have children of your own. Added to this, the SIL *must* know about her niece's autism, so she's doubly the AH.
Setting aside for a moment that the youngest is on the autistic spectrum, it is unfair to re-work an elder child's birthday party to suit their younger sibling(s), as what would be age appropriate for/entertain a younger child is might not suit the older child anymore. It seems SIL was either recommending taking the youngest to a place that she would hate, or changing the plans for the birthday party away from something which the eldest had requested - both options could spoil the boy's birthday. It seems SIL was trying to champion her niece but without realising the impact on her nephew's birthday celebrations, and SIL apparently lacks/ed understanding of ASD and its impacts on her niece's life and OP's daughter spends her time.
She's 4 years old. How many rides can she even go on? Also she is probably still in the nap stage which makes going anywhere fun challenging. Most 4 year olds don't do well at an amusement park even if they don't have autism. It was a great decision to keep her home. One of my brothers has motion sickness. Therefore amusement parks were a no go for him when we were kids. Lots of parents have reasons to take some of their kids to an amusement park and not take others. The SIL is a moron.
One of my nephews is autistic. Sometimes he can handle crowds and noises and sometimes he can't. So obviously sometimes he comes to birthday parties amongst our family and sometimes he doesn't. At no point do any of us question my sister's judgment on when he attends and when he doesn't. That's because none of us live with him 24/7 and know when his good/bad days are. Also when he doesn't attend, he is well cared for and happy at home with dad while the 3 nieces come to the party with mom and are happy to have fun socializing and playing. In my opinion splitting the family in some instances is better than making everyone unhappy by missing out or making some unhappy by being overwhelmed. Do I miss time with my nephew? Absolutely! But his happiness and positive development means more than anything. This little girl isn't being excluded, she's being accommodated. That's what a good parent does.
I hate people who give advice that clearly don't know what the eff they're talking about.
Assuming that all children enjoy the same things would be bad parenting. This family is putting in the effort to meet the needs of each of their children, even if it means one of the adults has to forego the fun (if they were interested, that is). More parents should consider what their kids actually want and need.
The parents recognize what their daughter needs and what isn't a good fit. They are great for allowing the boys to have fun and preventing stress for the daughter.
While I don't have ASD, I do deal with bipolar disorder, social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and PTSD and I understand being overwhelmed by sounds, people, and just too much energy around me. I have to have a calm, peaceful environment in order to function, at all. The OP really could have just said that his family didn't need advice from someone who obviously knew very little about ASD, instead of zeroing in on the one thing that he, no doubt, knew could hurt her the worst. However, her husband/his brother might have run interference and reminded her that she doesn't understand what they deal with every day. Apparently, neither does the brother. Maybe they should read a book or two, or offer to babysit. They might gain some understanding.
I am not a parent because I'm unable to have children. But I have been raising other people's children for 40 years one of the first things I learned was that if a child has a special need you don't question it you do what the parents ask you to do because 99.9% of the time it is in the child's best interest. I have my own opinions but I never shove them off onto other people I keep my mouth quiet unless I'm asked for those opinions. Opie is looking out for the best interest of his child with special needs. I do not have experience with children with autism but even if I did I would never presume to tell a parent what is best for their child because special needs are otherwise the parents always know what's best everything else is someone else's opinion not necessarily fact.
Something that wasn't even touched on in the story: How does the daughter feel about it? It's quite different if she wants to go than if she would much rather not.
Treating all siblings in a family 'the same' is not always the right thing. You should know your kids well enough to know what they'll be able to enjoy and manage. Most 2 yr olds would want or enjoy eating steak. Just because their 3 older siblings do, should you give steak to the toddler because it's delicious and you don't want her to miss out? If you know your 6 year old is scared of getting water in her face and eyes, would you take her and make go on a waterlide because her brother loves the waterslide and you want her to see how much fun it is? Each child has different abilities and capabilities. Parents know their kids and good parents love their kids enough to respect their limitations. These seem to be great parents. The child who is terrified of crowds and theme park-type activites should be allowed to stay where she feels content and safe. The kids who wanna enjoy a day of rides, sights, sounds, smells and colours should be allowed to do so!
NTA. I am not autistic and I hate theme parks. Don't apologize, you did nothing wrong. She overstepped her bounds by implying she knew more about parenting your children or children then you did.
You were both wrong. Both are going through something the other doesn't understand and one blew up, it happens. Both apologized and supposedly moved on, although posting it online would suggest otherwise.
OP is merely stating a fact that JUST HAPPENS to hit her sore spot. Sucks to her. It would make no sense for OP to call SIL out for not being a psychologist/psychiatrist or having autism (the only other people who actually know their sh*t), does it? OP JUST HAPPENS to be a parent. One of the only two parents of the kid in question. So you agree you should forbid to state a hard, cold FACT just because it will "hurt someone's feelings"? If they cannot take logical and reasonable criticism, maybe they should start learning to only mind their own business and only their own. Not to mention, what kind of 4-year-old can even PHYSICALLY enjoy amusement park? Did you wishfully add an 1 by the left of the 4? PS: SIL should NEVER be a parent or any sort of guardian. EVER. Maybe you too.
Load More Replies...I think you made the right decision for your family. Your daughter being 4 has plenty of time to be exposed to situations that are overwhelming right now. Many parks and movie theater and other entertainment venues work with the Autism Society and have sensor nights. Science centers, museums, aquariums as well. Also the decision you made shows your older kids there is a time they will need to compromise with the needs of their sister. As well as time she will have to compromise. Spiltting up one staying with her is a great compromise. Including her by having a cake and small party or special dinner at home.
Nta, be op could have just asked if she wanted that the girl gets a panic attack and scream all the time they're there, why she wants to torture op's daughter. This would shut them up forever and maybe they finally learn why op decided this way.
HTF does an inability to have children excuse morally superior, ignorantly priggish AH behavior? That's as logical as saying "Ah, I can say you deserved to lose your home to a fire because I can't afford to buy one and live in an apartment!". One absolutely has nothing to do with the other and just shines the light of bad judgment skills on these AH people .
OP is definitely in the right here. Even if his daughter wasn't autistic, as someone has already pointed out, she's four. There aren't a lot of options for 4-year-olds unless you go somewhere like Disneyland or to a theme park that's specifically for young children. And with her being autistic, being at a theme park would be sensory h*'ll for her. His SIL seems to be trying to come from a good place with that whole 'if one child can't go, then none of them should' but then she kept going after he explained why they weren't taking their daughter. Should have just shut up about it after that.
as a parent of an autistic kid myself I can relate to others not fully understanding what we as parents go through, but the SIL is the AH here mind your own fucken business when it comes to how others raise their kids especially if you don't have kids yourself because you really don't know s**t about parenting.
Giving unhelpful advice when you have no knowledge or experience to back it up causes cellulite. You wanna risk that, SIL?
If "everything is fine now" between you/SIL/brother, then why bother to post this at all? What purpose did you intend it to serve?
maybe if you forced the child to do things out of her comfort zone instead of thinking the world is going to revolve around her and her needs she could go. when I was in school not all that long ago these types of kids didnt exist because they were told to cut out the nonsense they knew no one was going to cater to their needs so they had to learn to deal with it. I cant stand parents that coddle their kids and raise them pretending the rest of the world is gonna date about her "special" needs
You don't even know what the hell you're talking about. Nothing you said is even age appropriate for preschoolers. Even if the kid in question was not autistic, amusement parks are not designed for 4-year-olds. Not to mention, taking them to a perpetually crowded amusement park would only result in one parent constantly watching over (or better said, literally attached to) the kid and doing pretty much nothing else other than sitting and maybe eating, getting bored the entire time. A total waste of entrance fee. Plus the risk of losing the kid (or even kidnapped) is totally NOT worth it. And the "literally attaching to the kid" is not a joke. My idiot of a father lost me on a practically empty pedestrian bridge (there were literally just me, him, and an old lady selling champaca). He just walked away, I went for the flower (oh, I'm autistic) and he just lost me. Mom contacted police ASAP worrying I would be ca over the border (once crossed, I would be at best human trafficked).
Load More Replies...NTA. They were doing what was fair to all the children and that is what is best. Older children got to have a good day and so did youngest. Sil didn't need to input an opinion unless they have experience with children with sensory issues and even then, should have been reluctant to give it.
Both are AH here. 1. She doesn't understand your situation so she has no right to comment on your parenting. That would be true regardless of her situation. 2. It was a cheap shot and you know it or you wouldn't ask that you brought up she doesn't have children. Absolutely 2 separate issues. A person can be childless and still understand the Autism Spectrum and other issues that come with have children. Being childless doesn't make you dumb. Being ignorant makes you dumb and in this case I think you both hit the nail on the head. You both need to apologize, be more understand, less defensive and then you might not be AH.
Then from which perspective should OP call out SIL knowing nothing? She isn't a psychologist/psychiatrist/not autistic? Is it even common sense? The slightly better way to say it is she is not the kid's patent. Like literally adding an adjective? Honestly, nobody should even even take an average 4-year-old to an amusement park (spoken from the perspective of having one parent losing me twice in a childhood, first time was around 3-4, and thank god when it happened in a crowded place for the 2nd time, I was around 9). Frankly, SIL doesn't even know how to act like an average functioning adult. It's a blessing to any new souls that she can't get pregnant. Sometimes, facts are just so stone cold, no amount of sugar can seal away the fact.
Load More Replies...I work for one many parents just give them disposable ear plugs and they absolutely have a blast and love going to the parks.
How do you even know if the kid can even stand the sensation of getting her ear holes stuffed? And she's just a 4-year-old? What can she do there? If the only thing her parents can do is having one of them constantly holding her hands/keeping her withing their sight and can do practically nothing else (how many facilities can an average 4-year-old even quality to enter?), then what is the difference? Just physically outside home?
Load More Replies...I have a nephew who is non verbal, sensory issues, likes to stim, didn't like loud noises ext. I think a lot of parents under estimate kids in the spectrum. While he has never liked loud noises or crowds the kid (now teenager) ALWAYS loved Disney. He went every couple of years from a baby and while he would get nervous because he didn't like some things you could see his mind working behind his eyes to press through so that he could enjoy the park. He didn't care for the rides, but he likes walking around and looking at the most magical place on earth. Later he developed a love for zoos and watching animals, and he also enjoyed going to Busch Gardens and meeting the sesame Street characters. I'm my opinion if you fail to expose your child to that kind of stuff because of their autism you're actively making their world smaller.
I have one that stays home for certain events with me, especially evening ones. He sleeps at a certain time when other kids aren't tired.
NTA MAM. your SIL opened her mouth and gave an option In which she has NO EXPERIENCE. And NOT a CLUE. My son has Aspburger Syndrome and is EXTREMELY HIGH FUNCTIONING. Yes. He CAN go to an Amusement PARK. even though he can AND does GET SLIGHTLY FIGITY. But even with him. HE doesn't eat with the family at X Mas HELL he barely OPENS HIS X Mas gifts with the family!! Due to OVER STIMULATION. You AND YOUR Husband Did the CORRECT thing. Your SIL WILL get a REALITY CHECK if they ever have a child of their own
Personally as a Parent, I felt EXTREAMLY BAITED by Bored Panda. I do Not like this.
I would give the 4yr old a chance and see if it really actually upsets her. Maybe it’s just you personally, who upsets her. Don’t leave her out or excluded from anything. Offer her the opportunity to feel and see what everyone else is doing. It seems to me that you’re just trying to add insult to her “issue” and not actually finding a way to help heal and deal with what is happening. FYI - Therapeutic home for behavioral and medical needs!
Even average 4-year-olds aren't fit for amusement park. They simply lack a few years of physical development. Jackass.
Load More Replies...I want to apologize to every one who was offended by the first part of my post. Op says he couldn't get sil to understand what having special needs child was like. She wasn't getting the point. I didn't mean to cause any issues .
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