Woman Gets Diagnosed With Autism And ADHD At Age 48, Realizes How It Affected Her Parenting
Interview With Author
Parenting is already hard enough. A parent is someone who’s responsible for raising another person the best they can. And still, for some, life throws additional challenges, as if parenting itself wasn’t enough. For example, a neurodivergence disorder(s). What’s even worse, some neurodivergent parents don’t even get diagnosed with these disorders until way later (or, in some cases, even never), which can lead them to feel guilt and dissatisfaction over their parenting capabilities.
One such person is today’s story’s hero — a mom who came online to share her heartbreaking journey of being a parent who had undiagnosed ADHD and autism.
More info: TikTok
Recently, a mom of 4 came online to tell her story about what it was like to be a parent whose autism and ADHD weren’t diagnosed until way later in life, and the video quickly went viral
Image credits: @toren_wolf
“Parenting with autism and ADHD, in my case, undiagnosed until late last year. I am 48 years old”
“I have four children born in ’93, ’94, ’98, and Toren was born in 2007. There’s a nine-year gap between Toren and the next oldest sibling, and he’s the only one left at home.
“I have tried to make this video four times now, and I keep breaking down crying. I carry a lot of guilt and shame around my parenting journey, and I find it very difficult to talk about.”
Image credits: @toren_wolf
“The first word that comes to mind when I think about my parenting journey is fear”
“I was an anxious, terrified, nervous parent. I was never relaxed, I was never at ease, I was never confident. I ground my teeth flat from stress, developed multiple autoimmune diseases and thyroid conditions, and was diagnosed with clinical sleep deprivation from lying awake at night worrying about them.
“I believe that autism and ADHD affected every aspect of my parenting journey, and I believe being undiagnosed made it much worse. I believe if I had known I could have helped my children to understand, I could have sought therapies and help for myself to make it easier. I could have, in general, just have done a better job.
“Sound sensitivities were obviously a huge issue with three young children, Toren having come along later.”
Image credits: @toren_wolf
“I was constantly overwhelmed by the noise and constantly trying to find a way to get away from it”
“Which obviously does not go well with parenting three young children.
“Touch sensitivity. I struggled intensely with having all three of them on me all of the time.”
Image credits: @toren_wolf
“I would get so touched out and so overwhelmed and desperately need my space”
“But I would never do anything about it because I thought I was a terrible person if I did that. So, I just let it build up inside.
“Those types of sensitivities permeated every aspect of parenting, all the way back to pregnancy.”
Image credits: @toren_wolf
“Being pregnant was an absolute nightmare for me. I didn’t feel the same bliss and joy that other women seemed to”
“I could not get used to the feeling of having it being inside of me. And it was extremely uncomfortable and almost unbearable the entire time.
“Don’t even get me started on the birth and breastfeeding. I never got used to it. It was agony for me from moment one until weaning, and I have internalized so much intense shame and guilt over that. And I just thought that I was a bad version of a human being because I didn’t feel this exquisite bliss the other women seem[ed] to feel when they breastfed.
“Emotional regulation is a big one.”
Image credits: @toren_wolf
“How do you teach your children emotional regulation when you’re not very good at it yourself?”
“I struggled with this intensely. And it is one of my greatest sources of shame and guilt surrounding my parenting journey. These issues caused me to be too intense and too angry with my children.”
Image credits: @toren_wolf
“I really wish I had known about autism and ADHD rage. I really feel like that would have made a difference”
“We have a good relationship now, and they have forgiven me, but this is something I really wish was more widely known and understood. I think there are a lot of women who struggle with similar things, who are terrified to speak about it. I love my children more than life. And I would eagerly lay mine down for them, but I do believe they deserved a better mother.
“My oldest daughter gave me my first grandbaby a year and a half ago, and watching them together is the most beautiful thing.”
Image credits: @toren_wolf
“She is so relaxed, so calm, so confident. All the things I wasn’t, and I am so proud of her”
“Anyway, I think that’s enough for now. I’ll try again with this if you guys want more, but, sorry, this has been so hard for me. I really appreciate you all.”
Image credits: @toren_wolf
Watch the video here:
@toren_wolf I feel really frustrated that my Mom and so many like her were overlooked, and not given the care and support they deserved and needed.😞💔 It was really hard to get her to do this. I appreciate all of your suggestions, they really helped.❤️❤️❤️ (by the way- she is/was a great Mom.)❤️ * * * * * * * * #autism #adhd #audhd #actuallyautistic #genx ♬ original sound – Toren_Wolf
Recently, a TikTok account, @toren_wolf (check out his Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube channel as well) posted a video that quickly went viral and currently has over 9M views. This video was the account owner’s mom telling her parenting story and how it was intertwined with her neurodivergence: her autism and ADHD diagnoses, which she only got diagnosed with last year.
Autism spectrum disorder, or just autism, is a developmental disability caused by differences in the brain. People with this disorder often struggle with social interactions, restricted or repetitive behaviors and interests, and sensory issues, and they can have difficulty learning and moving.
ADHD, spelled out as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, is a condition that typically makes it hard for people to pay attention and control impulsive behaviors, and they can simply be overly active.
It should be noted that these descriptions of both disorders are just theoretical ones, and every detail might not apply to a diagnosed person, as they might exhibit only some of these signs.
Also, both of these disorders have no cure that would make them go away. Still, there are plenty of treatment options for autism that can make the symptoms bearable, ranging from cognitive behavior therapy to nutrition therapy. Similar things apply to ADHD — therapy can also be applied, as well as medication in some cases.
The thing is that, usually, people with autism tend to have co-occurring conditions, like depression, anxiety, and, of course, ADHD. This is exactly what the woman from the video has. Sadly, she wasn’t diagnosed with either of these conditions until much later in life, basically until her three oldest children had become adults.
According to the account’s description, the woman’s youngest son, Toren, whose account the video was posted on, also has autism and ADHD. Bored Panda reached out to him to talk a little bit more about the video.
Toren said that in the comments under his videos, he saw many people talking about being neurodivergent and having parenting struggles. After talking to his mom, he learned she struggled with many similar things. Sadly, she isn’t the only person whose similar diagnoses didn’t become clear until way later in their lives, as many people don’t realize, for example, that they have any of these disorders (or both of them) until after they have lived a part of their lives.
The comments under the video only prove this fact, as some people shared how relatable some things said in the video were to them, as they also suffer from similar disorders. Some even shared that this inspired them to Google certain things that might reveal something about themselves that were maybe overlooked until now (of course, to get a proper diagnosis, a doctor should be consulted).
So, the son wanted to make these people, including his mom, feel better by not staying silent on this subject: “I do not think it helps to be silent and ashamed. I think we need to help each other.”
The lack of diagnosis hugely influenced the woman’s parenting capabilities. As it’s described in the video, she not only didn’t feel “the way she’s supposed to,” but sometimes, she even took it out on the kids, something the woman called ADHD rage.
Apparently, ADHD and irritability go hand in hand. Since people with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder struggle with managing strong emotions, it can be difficult for them to control their irritability and anger. Even the slightest thing, like something not happening how they wanted it to go, can make them snap in anger.
If someone had diagnosed the woman way earlier, she would’ve been able to understand why she didn’t feel the way other moms felt about motherhood, and she also could’ve gotten some help with her disorders and parenting.
One of the most heartbreaking things said in the video was that the woman feels like her kids deserved a better mother, as she couldn’t be one due to her conditions. Toren said that another aim of making this video was to help this mom let go of the shame she carries for not being a perfect parent, as both Toren and his siblings think she was an amazing mom.
He added: “My mom is super creative, funny, helpful, and has a magical way of making amazing things happen. She is my biggest supporter and helps me to understand myself and others. She helps me with everything, and she has made it possible for me to follow my social media dreams. She is my hero.”
With this sentiment in mind, let’s hope that the woman will be able to forgive herself for all her parenting mishaps, as, evidently, her children don’t hold a grudge over that.
People in the comments showed tremendous support for the mom, and some even shared how much they relate to certain things she said
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I was diagnosed ADHD and Bipolar as an adult, and I totally relate to the guilt. Even though I now have an explanation, I can't go back in time and fix what I did wrong. Fortunately my children are happy and successful, but I can see identify traits in them that are directly related to my (sometimes) unhealthy parenting.
Sheesh. Even without those challenges, about once a year I find I've put dirty dishes in the fridge and leftovers in the dishwasher.
Diagnosed at 36 for ADHD. Doc and I found a medication that works for me and the difference is astonishing. Our kiddo is also diagnosed with ADHD & dyslexia. It's a wild ride trying to help my kid figure out emotional regulation when my partner and I both grew up in the emotional suppression era of 90's parenting...
I was diagnosed ADHD and Bipolar as an adult, and I totally relate to the guilt. Even though I now have an explanation, I can't go back in time and fix what I did wrong. Fortunately my children are happy and successful, but I can see identify traits in them that are directly related to my (sometimes) unhealthy parenting.
Sheesh. Even without those challenges, about once a year I find I've put dirty dishes in the fridge and leftovers in the dishwasher.
Diagnosed at 36 for ADHD. Doc and I found a medication that works for me and the difference is astonishing. Our kiddo is also diagnosed with ADHD & dyslexia. It's a wild ride trying to help my kid figure out emotional regulation when my partner and I both grew up in the emotional suppression era of 90's parenting...
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