Mom Asks Favor From Firstborn After Abandoning Her For Her New Family, Gets A Cold Hard No
Losing your parents at a young age is very difficult to deal with. It can cause deep emotional scars that take many years to heal. It’s even harder if you have no support and nobody to look after you. But what happens if one parent dies and the other stops being a parent to you?
This is what happened to a young girl on Reddit whose mom left her to raise herself after her dad died. Even though she was a terrible mother to the teen, she somehow managed to be a better mom to the kids she had once she remarried.
More info: Reddit
Woman was not a present parent in her first marriage, but to her first-born’s surprise, she has it in her to be a good mom to her new kids
Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto (not the actual photo)
17 Y.O. lost her dad at a young age and her mom stopped making an effort to look after her; instead, she’d rope in the grandparents to parent the kid
Image credits: Oleksandr P (not the actual photo)
Her mom later got remarried to a man named Sam and had two children with him, that’s when the teen saw how differently her mother cared for the new kids
Image credits: Keira Burton (not the actual photo)
So when her mom asked her to babysit her half-siblings, she said she didn’t want to spend time with her mom’s “do-over family”
Image credits: Gold_Ad_7011
The teen also confronted her mother about being a better parent to the new kids but not to her, to which her mother could not accept what she had to say and called her “jealous” instead
The Original Poster (OP) lost her father when she was 5 years old. At such a vulnerable age, she needed her mom the most for support, care, and love. But her mother did not pay much attention to her and instead foisted her upon her grandparents. She would be absent for the girl’s parent-teacher conferences and her birthdays. The mom wouldn’t even make food for her daughter.
All of these experiences weighed heavily on the teen, and she always felt unwanted by her mom. According to The Gottman Institute, “children who do not have affectionate parents tend to have lower self esteem and to feel more alienated, hostile, aggressive, and anti-social.” The experiences that OP had with her mom negatively impacted her emotions and how she felt about herself.
It is estimated that childhood neglect accounts for 78% of all child maltreatment cases. Children who don’t receive parental love and affection struggle with anxiety, depression, and many negative emotions. It goes to show how important it is for parents to be present in their kid’s lives and to pay attention to their needs. Unfortunately for the poster, her mother did not give her that type of love; she behaved that way only with the new children.
Research has also shown that children who have experienced childhood emotional neglect might also become parents who neglect their kids emotionally. This could be because they were never taught the importance of their own emotions or feelings, which is why they may struggle to nurture those same emotions in their children.
The teen shared more about her experience in the comments, saying: “She didn’t do her best for me. She never once did and you know who else says that? Her own parents. They say she failed me. They called her out on not being a good mom to me. This goes beyond how she was after my dad died. My mom brings no joy or love into my life.”
Image credits: Monstera Production (not the actual photo)
On the other hand, the mother was able to move on from her husband’s death and get remarried. When she had two children during the second marriage, she provided them with a lot of love and attention. Despite that, she still did not take any initiative to integrate her firstborn in her new life.
The poster told netizens: “She has continued to leave me out. She doesn’t notice when I’m not there, or when I spend the night somewhere else. She and Sam do family Christmas Card photos every year and professional family photos twice more a year and guess who is never in those? Me.”
Researchers at Duke University Medical School conducted a study on babies that followed them till their 30s and found that those who had very affectionate and attentive mothers grew up to be happier, more resilient, and less anxious adults. That’s why OP did not want to babysit her half-siblings. She found it difficult to see the positive environment they were experiencing as compared to the difficulties she had to face.
This kind of parental differential treatment (PDT) can usually be seen when parents show some kind of favoritism to one child. The child who isn’t favored might experience behavioral problems and struggle with their emotional well-being. That’s why the OP told commenters that she would not be reconciling with her mother. She was planning to cut her out of her life because there was no way her mom would be able to make it up to her.
It’s a parent’s responsibility to give their children a good childhood. When that doesn’t happen it can hurt the kids a lot. OP’s courage sharing the story and the way she stood up to her mother shows that she was forced to learn how to stand up for herself at a young age. Commenters also rallied around her to show support and let her know that she was right in this situation.
People in the comments rushed to support the poster and offer words of encouragement, they agreed with the way she handled her mother’s request for babysitting
Image credits: Yan Krukau (not the actual photo)
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feels kind of like looking in a mirror lowkey. my dad used to be super depressed, and still dragged me kicking and screaming to his house very week (partial custody) where i was either neglected or taken care of by grandparents (who lived out of state??). now he has a new baby, who hes raising with its mother, and whos getting everything i wish i couldve had, and like i dont have much against the kid, but omfg i wish people wouldnt look so shocked when i dont want to hold it.
I can almost - ALMOST - have a tiny bit of sympathy for OP's mother in the time period immediately after losing her husband/OP's dad. She may have been a young mother at the time (OP did not say how old her mother is) and had absolutely no idea what to do as a suddenly-single parent while managing her own grief at her husband's death. HOWEVER, there are TONS of parents (both moms and dads) who step up after the other parent's/their spouse's death. While one must grieve, of course, one must remember they are responsible for the tiny person who cannot take care of themselves and ALSO are grieving the loss of one parent. I have zero respect for OP's mother. She was a terrible parent, grief or no grief, and completely shirked her responsibility to her child. At the very least, she had the chance to make it up to her eldest child once her child was older, or at least talk to OP and explain why she acted the way she did, and maybe try to rebuild a life/rapport with her child. EDIT: Checked Reddit. OP says her mom was 28/29 when she had OP. I change my previous opinion - there are ZERO excuses for ANY of OP's mother's conduct towards OP - it's not like she was a teen/super-young adult who wasn't mature enough to step up as a mom when she had OP and then lost her husband.
Yeah, assuming the story is true as written of course. It's understandable to struggle due to the loss of her husband, but she should get over it and actually start caring for her daughter *at some point*. Sounds like she never did. I don't really trust the "Dad was wonderful but Mum was never there" memories from before she was five though. They're going to be notoriously unreliable.
Load More Replies...
I have a feeling this is a classic case of mother has a falling out with her father, she either acts or looks like her father & mother resents her for that. Believe it or not countless "mothers" treat their child(ren) differently from others based on their utter distaste for the father more than anything else. It's sad really cause it's not the kid's fault, they didn't put in a request to be born in the world. 🙄
I have had this mother but no grandparents to pick up the pieces. I was alone and still am 54 years later. Good for her speaking up.
I had a similar situation with my mom, but it also isn't the fault of OPs siblings that their upbringing is different. It sucks, but they shouldn't be resented for it. I had very uninvolved parents and s****y stepparents. I was definitely parentified, which I absolutely resented, but I love those kids.
I'm sorry OP that your mother couldn't make any effort to be there for you before Sam and the kids. I don't think your the AH for what you said. I wouldn't have been any nicer. I hope that trade school and the rest of your life are much better.
Living with my mom was a bad situation, they split when I was 6. I was always calm, so my distress wasn't as evident. He got my brother (2 yrs younger) out of there at 12. I left to fend for myself at 16. I got pregnant with my then-fiance at 21; I was on a trip for school when I told him & my things were in my car when I got home. Asked my dad for help and THAT was when he informed me he was moving across the country for a gf. Took my brother. Fast forward 13 years; my brother still lives with him at 32. But also, he and his wife have adopted my 2 stepnieces. And boy is he involved in their lives. So I've seen him support my brother when I REALLY needed help (HS and pregnancy) and then be a wonderful parent to 2 young girls. And we send "happy *insert holiday*" and "you too, love you" texts and there's awkward silence when we call every couple years. His family guilt trips me constantly. I can't unsee the comparison. I love him but we don't have a relationship and that was his choice.
feels kind of like looking in a mirror lowkey. my dad used to be super depressed, and still dragged me kicking and screaming to his house very week (partial custody) where i was either neglected or taken care of by grandparents (who lived out of state??). now he has a new baby, who hes raising with its mother, and whos getting everything i wish i couldve had, and like i dont have much against the kid, but omfg i wish people wouldnt look so shocked when i dont want to hold it.
I can almost - ALMOST - have a tiny bit of sympathy for OP's mother in the time period immediately after losing her husband/OP's dad. She may have been a young mother at the time (OP did not say how old her mother is) and had absolutely no idea what to do as a suddenly-single parent while managing her own grief at her husband's death. HOWEVER, there are TONS of parents (both moms and dads) who step up after the other parent's/their spouse's death. While one must grieve, of course, one must remember they are responsible for the tiny person who cannot take care of themselves and ALSO are grieving the loss of one parent. I have zero respect for OP's mother. She was a terrible parent, grief or no grief, and completely shirked her responsibility to her child. At the very least, she had the chance to make it up to her eldest child once her child was older, or at least talk to OP and explain why she acted the way she did, and maybe try to rebuild a life/rapport with her child. EDIT: Checked Reddit. OP says her mom was 28/29 when she had OP. I change my previous opinion - there are ZERO excuses for ANY of OP's mother's conduct towards OP - it's not like she was a teen/super-young adult who wasn't mature enough to step up as a mom when she had OP and then lost her husband.
Yeah, assuming the story is true as written of course. It's understandable to struggle due to the loss of her husband, but she should get over it and actually start caring for her daughter *at some point*. Sounds like she never did. I don't really trust the "Dad was wonderful but Mum was never there" memories from before she was five though. They're going to be notoriously unreliable.
Load More Replies... I have a feeling this is a classic case of mother has a falling out with her father, she either acts or looks like her father & mother resents her for that. Believe it or not countless "mothers" treat their child(ren) differently from others based on their utter distaste for the father more than anything else. It's sad really cause it's not the kid's fault, they didn't put in a request to be born in the world. 🙄
I have had this mother but no grandparents to pick up the pieces. I was alone and still am 54 years later. Good for her speaking up.
I had a similar situation with my mom, but it also isn't the fault of OPs siblings that their upbringing is different. It sucks, but they shouldn't be resented for it. I had very uninvolved parents and s****y stepparents. I was definitely parentified, which I absolutely resented, but I love those kids.
I'm sorry OP that your mother couldn't make any effort to be there for you before Sam and the kids. I don't think your the AH for what you said. I wouldn't have been any nicer. I hope that trade school and the rest of your life are much better.
Living with my mom was a bad situation, they split when I was 6. I was always calm, so my distress wasn't as evident. He got my brother (2 yrs younger) out of there at 12. I left to fend for myself at 16. I got pregnant with my then-fiance at 21; I was on a trip for school when I told him & my things were in my car when I got home. Asked my dad for help and THAT was when he informed me he was moving across the country for a gf. Took my brother. Fast forward 13 years; my brother still lives with him at 32. But also, he and his wife have adopted my 2 stepnieces. And boy is he involved in their lives. So I've seen him support my brother when I REALLY needed help (HS and pregnancy) and then be a wonderful parent to 2 young girls. And we send "happy *insert holiday*" and "you too, love you" texts and there's awkward silence when we call every couple years. His family guilt trips me constantly. I can't unsee the comparison. I love him but we don't have a relationship and that was his choice.
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