Woman Had To Visit Mom’s Miscarriage Grave All Her Youth, Loses It When Her Kid Gets Forced Too
Mourning a loss is one of those experiences that is up there with the greatest pains anyone can ever be subject to. But, at the end of the day, it’s still a pain that passes eventually so we may move on with our lives.
If it doesn’t, though, then it turns into a big problem. Not just for the person bearing the pain, but for those around them. The list is too big to list all of the possible outcomes here, but one very clear example can be seen in this one r/AITA story where a mother’s mourning has overstayed its welcome. By decades.
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Everyone deals with grief in their own way. But some ways overstay their welcome and start becoming toxic to those around them
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
A woman recently shared just how problematic her mom’s grief of her miscarried child has been in how it has affected her own family
Image credits: u/HotPlatypus9646
Because the woman’s kid has not begun being affected by the source of her own childhood trauma, she’s considering having limited contact with the grandma
Image credits: Linda Gerbec (not the actual photo)
A 28-year-old mother to a 5-year-old son recently turned to the r/AITA community for a little bit of perspective on a lingering (very lingering) issue she has.
The story goes that she grew up with a mother (who’s 68 now) who had a miscarriage. OP herself is adopted and has always felt like the “consolation prize” within the context of the mother’s misfortune.
The frustrated woman recalls having to go visit the fetus’ grave every year, with one of her earliest memories being how she was forced to give away her stuffed rabbit to the grave. This is besides all of the venting OP had to endure, her never being good enough, among other issues.
Well, it didn’t stop there. Turns out, OP recently found out that her mother, the grandmother of her 5-year-old, recently took the kid to the fetus’ grave and told him about it. OP immediately confronted her, saying that is off limits and he shouldn’t be hearing such hardcore topics at that age.
What led OP to ponder the question on r/AITA is that she still got some flak for not allowing her mother to talk about the kid’s dead aunt. She shouldn’t have, as she claimed she’s justified in not wanting him to hear about it like she had to, especially about something that happened 30 years ago.
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
Across the board, folks in the comments declared her NTA. First and foremost, this is traumatizing, to say the least. Having had grief imposed upon her for such an extended time and being expected to hear all the venting (and being emotionally parentified) is a big no-no in any book. And it goes double for the 5-year-old, because the grandma was essentially trying to impose mourning onto a third generation.
Other folks shared their own experiences with miscarriage, with one commenter explaining how she never allowed it to control her life once she’s done mourning. And hence since OP’s mom is so fixated on the past, she can’t see what’s right in front of her, in her future—a lovely daughter.
Ultimately, some folks called for therapy. There is never any need to pass on the trauma to others like OP’s mother attempted to do, whether deliberately or not. And until the mother gets therapy, some suggested making sure the kid is never around her so the cycle of trauma doesn’t get perpetuated.
Image credits: Jordan Whitt (not the actual photo)
Sue Ryder, a palliative, neurological and bereavement support organization, noted that there is no timeline for how long grief lasts. Generally 6 months is what’s considered a typical time when the grieving is supposed to start subsiding.
The reality, however, is that it never really goes away, but it does get better and one does get used to it. It’s more the case that it comes and goes, and the entire grieving experience is different for everyone. So, it’s best to learn to live with it.
Seeking support is one of the best and most approachable things a person can do when grief takes control. Whether it’s someone who’d listen to you vent or someone who’d talk to you, both options can help ease the spike in grief. However, going into therapy is more beneficial because it involves professionals who tackle the source, not the symptom.
Whatever the case, something has to be done. You can do something too—like share your thoughts about anything you’ve read here today in the comment section below! Actually, please do!
Folks online showed their support for the young mother. While they understood where all of this is coming from, they also agree that it’s too much
NTA . One thing is telling someone your life story another thing is projecting and forcing someone to listen to their whole trauma and basically making the kids traumatized in the process. Don't get it confused.OP had a hard life .
OP should also watch out that her mother doesn't force the child to sacrifice any of his toys
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I'm the product of a miscarriage. In my teens my mother told me about why she chose to have me. While it is clear that it was traumatic, she never put that trauma on me. She made it clear that I wasn't a plan B, that I was chosen and loved. It did contribute to the odd existential crisis as I contemplate the myriad happenstance and timing that brought me into the world, as opposed to a different person. But I never felt short of love and I'm glad she told me. There are healthy ways to talk about death and miscarriages, including with children. But children are not vessels to be filled with your grief.
NTA, OP's son doesn't have a "dead aunt". What a bizarre thing to say
I'm of the same opinion. I understand everyone grieves in their own way but this woman's grief has turned into delusion. A delusion she's dragged the rest of her family into.
Load More Replies... NTA . One thing is telling someone your life story another thing is projecting and forcing someone to listen to their whole trauma and basically making the kids traumatized in the process. Don't get it confused.OP had a hard life .
OP should also watch out that her mother doesn't force the child to sacrifice any of his toys
Load More Replies... I'm the product of a miscarriage. In my teens my mother told me about why she chose to have me. While it is clear that it was traumatic, she never put that trauma on me. She made it clear that I wasn't a plan B, that I was chosen and loved. It did contribute to the odd existential crisis as I contemplate the myriad happenstance and timing that brought me into the world, as opposed to a different person. But I never felt short of love and I'm glad she told me. There are healthy ways to talk about death and miscarriages, including with children. But children are not vessels to be filled with your grief.
NTA, OP's son doesn't have a "dead aunt". What a bizarre thing to say
I'm of the same opinion. I understand everyone grieves in their own way but this woman's grief has turned into delusion. A delusion she's dragged the rest of her family into.
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