Mom Is In Tears After 17 Y.O. Tells Her She Doesn’t Get To Make The Rules While He Raises Her Kids
Interview With Author
Having a sibling is great (in most cases) – you have a lifetime friend, a person who you know will always be there for you, you have somebody with whom you grew up and shared your childhood joy. However, it’s not the same when you need to be a constant parent to them – it is not only extremely exhausting but every one of us also wants to experience our teenage years before becoming a parent.
This 17 Y.O. Reddit user found himself in a similar situation. He lives with 3 siblings, pays half rent, buys groceries and basically raises all of his siblings. However, despite all this, one day he got into a fight with his mom over his siblings’ bedtimes that caused quite a drama.
More info: Reddit
Sometimes siblings may act more like parents than actual parents do
Image credits: Kindel Media (not the actual photo)
Teen shares that he lives with 3 of his siblings and mom, but he pays half of the rent, buys groceries and raises the kids as mom is almost never home
Image credits: Ron Lach (not the actual photo)
One day, she got home a little bit earlier, so two siblings came to say hi, but the youngest one was already asleep, as it was past his bedtime
Image credits: Vika Glitter (not the actual photo)
This whole situation caused quite an argument with their mom saying that his bedtime is unreasonable, telling the teen to stop micromanaging as it’s her kids and her rules
Image credits: throwawaythrow2929
Mom basically exploded saying teen is being a control-freak to which he shot back saying that she is never around and his siblings are more of his kids than hers
A couple days ago, one Reddit user posted his story asking for community members’ verdict on whether he was being a jerk for telling his mom that his little brothers are more his kids than hers and she shouldn’t have a say in raising them. The post caught quite a lot of folks’ attention and collected over 6.6K upvotes and 1.2K comments.
The original poster (OP) starts his story by sharing that he lives with his 3 younger brothers and mom, but pays rent, buys groceries and juggles having a job, going to school and raising his siblings, as mom is almost never home. One evening, OP’s mom came back home a little bit early and wanted to say hi to everyone, but the youngest one was already asleep.
OP emphasized that they have quite a clean routine together; however, mom scolded him, saying that it was too early for his brother to go to sleep. The disagreements about bedtimes caused quite a fight, with mom saying that it’s her kids, her house and her rules and he should stop being a control freak, and OP telling her that it’s also his house and his siblings are basically his kids as she’s never around.
The community members gave the author the ‘Not the A-hole’ badge in this situation and discussed that he is being parentified. “I’m so sorry you’ve been forced to be the parent here. My heart genuinely aches for you and you were absolutely right for pointing all that out to her when she tried to play the parent for once,” one user shared. “I’ve seen situations like this way too many times. Narcissistic mothers who think they do no wrong,” another added.
Image credits: Jessica Lewis 🦋 thepaintedsquare (not the actual photo)
Bored Panda got in touch with the OP of this story, Harlem, and he kindly agreed to share more comments regarding this whole situation.
“My post blew up more than I ever expected anything I write on here to, and the amount of support I got was pretty overwhelming,” OP shared. “I did get a fair bit of good advice – maybe I should look into food stamps again, going about applying for disability benefits, going after my father for child support, that sort of thing.”
However, he also noted that many people made his life out to be more tragic than he had ever really thought it was, which was surprising. “Not sure how much I agree with it, but it’s something for me to think about.” Harlem also told us that at one point he was offered financial aid from one of the people who read his post, which made him all emotional.
“I don’t feel that I’m in a place to accept that without feeling guilty for unnecessarily taking someone’s money when we get by for the most part, but the fact that someone reached out was so surprising to me. Did not expect that at all, and I think it’s so, so kind of them to offer something like that to a random kid on the internet.”
We also asked Harlem how he manages to balance his responsibilities between school, work and taking care of his siblings – “My days usually all go the same way. I get up around six, make breakfast, make sure the kids are all up, make sure everyone eats, and have everyone out of the house by 7:30. My first class starts a little before eight and ends a little before ten.”
“After, I drive to work [I used to bike but my neighbor who’s kind of old and doesn’t really do much lets me use her car if I bring groceries and stuff for her in exchange], do a shift from 10:00am to 3:55pm, then pick everyone up, assuming no one chose to stay after or bike home or something, and get home at a bit past 4pm,” he continued.
“I usually do my own homework/online school work then, or help the others with whatever they have going on for an hour-ish. We eat dinner around six and I have to make that, so that takes a little while. We usually finish that at seven, and then everyone has free time. The youngest goes to bed at 8, and after that, the other two get to stay up a while longer and I usually spend some more time studying. At ten, the rest of us go to bed, assuming I don’t pull a night shift. Then, rinse and repeat. Not super interesting, but that’s life, I guess.”
Image credits: Jessica Lewis 🦋 thepaintedsquare (not the actual photo)
Speaking about challenges that OP has faced while assuming such a significant caretaking role at a young age, he emphasized that trying to keep everyone and everything in line isn’t easy as with this many people, dynamics get complicated. “As I mentioned in some of my comments and previous posts, but not in this one, I have a twin brother. My youngest brother misses my twin, while my twin left because he couldn’t handle living in a dysfunctional family. Things like that.”
He added that he had to learn to look, to go shopping and had to deal with people looking at him, judging, as it’s not a big town – “A lot of folks kind of know ‘oh yeah, that’s Harlem, the boy with the stupid hair with the loser mom and the run-off dad and the mob of brothers, and didn’t there used to be one more of them?’”
Finally, Harlem shared a few more things: He hopes to go to college and work in the medical field. Also, his dad left when mom was pregnant with his youngest brother. And he opened up on why he thinks his mom has a drinking problem – “She occasionally hugs me when she comes home and I’m still up, and she didn’t just go to bed immediately. When she does this, she smells like alcohol. Beyond that, slurred speech, weird emotion-y ness, and crying, rambling about my bad dad to me, which is not very in character for her when she’s all there.”
So guys, what’s your take on this situation? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
Redditors stood by the author of this story
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The person in charge of bedtime picks the bedtime. The fact she didn't even know 10 regularly went to be by 8 proves the point that she's never home to do it.
It shouldn't be OP's place to be his siblings' parent, but I praise him and I mean it with nothing but respect, that he will make a great father one day. His siblings may not know it now but will one day learn that he was always looking out for them rather than their non-existent excuse of a mother. And to the sh*tbucket moron troll that said OP should beaten with a chair, I'd happily wrap a steel chair around your skull tenfold for that sh*t statement alone. SMH!!!
There's a good chance that after raising his siblings won't want any kids. I've seen many people say this, including on BP.
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Maybe not a drunk, but there is something going on (assuming the story is true of course).
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OP is surprisingly mature and organized for their age. As much as I am impressed by this person, I am also terribly sad for them. They never had a proper childhood.
If this family ever got reported to CPS the mom wouldn't get to keep the kids, so she should be happy 17yo does her job without complaint, and support OP as much as she can, getting off the bottle would be a good way to start
This young man is in a no-win situation, and coping with it about as well as anyone could. He shouldn't have to be raising his siblings, and working to pay rent and groceries. But his alternatives suck - his younger brothers would end up neglected, parented by the 15 year old, or in care. I think 8pm is on the early side for a 10 year old, 9pm would possibly be more common, and 10pm would be an unusually late bedtime for his age. 17 is right; he's the one spending the time with the kid, he's in a better position to judge how much sleep he needs. Was he harsh with her? Probrably, but he was calling her on her s**t. I would suggest he think about whether it might be productive for him to ask if he sit down with her when she's calmer, and discuss the household budget, in case there is debt or bills that he doesn't know about. He also needs to get legal advice about custody, or possibly a social worker. It's not necessarially going to be easy to get legal custody of siblings at 18.
You are an awesome brother and I respect the way you have stepped up for your brothers
OP should watch the movie “Gracie’s Choice”, where the eldest sister Gracie takes much better care of her siblings that a judge terminated her mother’s parental rights & awarded custody to the big sister (based on true events). Clearly, like the mother in that movie, OP’s mom hasn’t got a leg to stand on, as she knows nothing of her own kids routines & now all of a sudden wants to swoop in & make new rules, just because she doesn’t like how much control the eldest sibling has?? That’s certainly not going to prove you’re a better parent! 🤔🤦♀️
i dont think he's the AH at all...sounds like he is taking the role of parenting at such a young age and doing his best. I know he wasnt intentionally makeing her cry, maybe she realized she really is never hime. Kudos to the OP
NTA... hands down!! I commend this young man for stepping up to be both the mother & father for his younger siblings at just 17. Also willing to take them with him when he turns 18. Not the kids fault, they didn't put in a request to be born in the world. I truly hope she doesn't have any more to be honest.
This is a tragedy. This young man shouldn't be raising his brothers. He says when he's eighteen he's leaving home and taking his brothers with him. He needs to document everything he's doing (and his mother isn't doing) and go to CPS as soon as he turns eighteen. It's sad that there are no adult family members around to help him.
I'm 47. I was parentified around 11, with my sister, 7 years younger than me. THEN added my brother, 15 years my junior. Both mother & her 2nd husband were around, but HE was abusive and SHE was lazy and scared (so she says) so I was the one doing everything except driving people around & grocery shopping...until I learned to drive & then I did all those things as well. I was in school, then worked after, in between my hours of what I had to do at home. Also, most of my paychecks went to pay off mom's spending addiction. I never went to college, and have been working full-time since I was 17. Most times, it was 2 jobs at a time, until my physical health blew up & I can barely manage ONE job these days. Oh, and my siblings? All 3 of us adults now? We still live together AND I raised my sister's daughter, because my sister & brother have their own mental disorders...plus my sister is a barely-functioning alcoholic, who works for a year at a time, then quits or get fired. F*** my life.
My kids went to bed at 8. When they hit middle school, 9. Unless grades started dropping or they were hard to get up in the morning, then back to 8 and try again later. High school 11. Friday and Saturday night an hour later and summer an hour later for all. Date nights curfew was midnight. (There are exceptions so certain dances was later, common sense.) You are doing great for a job you never signed up for. Proud of you. Wish I was your mom.
The OP is only assuming that his mother stays out drinking. I really have a hard time believing that he is as supportive as he claims. I would like to hear mom's side as well as from the two other sons before making a judgment against the mom. This young man is painting himself as a saint too much.
You be surprised how many parents leave the raising of the children to the shelter. Siblings happen to me
Load More Replies... You know what is sad? I might be wrong, but I imagine this woman had a hard time. Alone with 4 kids? I am guessing she had to work hard, sacrificing time with her kids to earn money to pay bills to put food on the table. I‘m guessing one day she just snapped under the stress or there was a trigger. A particular bad day or a really bad incident. Then she started drinking or whatever. And it spiralled. She craved that mind numbing. If she really is an Alcoholic, it is not really her fault in my opinion. Sure we can say she should not have started or not have had 4 kids or whatever you think she should or shouldn‘t have done. But fact is, that for most people it is hard to resist, hard to quit. Many people don‘t get the support they need. They might have been a happy family with just the right kind of help. That might have been financial or just a friend to talk to. Even Grandparents. Encouragement! Of course the son is right in this situation, but I don‘t blame the mother, deep down.
No, this woman sounds like a deadbeat who doesn't care
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NTA but don’t fight with your mother in front of the kids
The person in charge of bedtime picks the bedtime. The fact she didn't even know 10 regularly went to be by 8 proves the point that she's never home to do it.
It shouldn't be OP's place to be his siblings' parent, but I praise him and I mean it with nothing but respect, that he will make a great father one day. His siblings may not know it now but will one day learn that he was always looking out for them rather than their non-existent excuse of a mother. And to the sh*tbucket moron troll that said OP should beaten with a chair, I'd happily wrap a steel chair around your skull tenfold for that sh*t statement alone. SMH!!!
There's a good chance that after raising his siblings won't want any kids. I've seen many people say this, including on BP.
Load More Replies... Maybe not a drunk, but there is something going on (assuming the story is true of course).
Load More Replies... OP is surprisingly mature and organized for their age. As much as I am impressed by this person, I am also terribly sad for them. They never had a proper childhood.
If this family ever got reported to CPS the mom wouldn't get to keep the kids, so she should be happy 17yo does her job without complaint, and support OP as much as she can, getting off the bottle would be a good way to start
This young man is in a no-win situation, and coping with it about as well as anyone could. He shouldn't have to be raising his siblings, and working to pay rent and groceries. But his alternatives suck - his younger brothers would end up neglected, parented by the 15 year old, or in care. I think 8pm is on the early side for a 10 year old, 9pm would possibly be more common, and 10pm would be an unusually late bedtime for his age. 17 is right; he's the one spending the time with the kid, he's in a better position to judge how much sleep he needs. Was he harsh with her? Probrably, but he was calling her on her s**t. I would suggest he think about whether it might be productive for him to ask if he sit down with her when she's calmer, and discuss the household budget, in case there is debt or bills that he doesn't know about. He also needs to get legal advice about custody, or possibly a social worker. It's not necessarially going to be easy to get legal custody of siblings at 18.
You are an awesome brother and I respect the way you have stepped up for your brothers
OP should watch the movie “Gracie’s Choice”, where the eldest sister Gracie takes much better care of her siblings that a judge terminated her mother’s parental rights & awarded custody to the big sister (based on true events). Clearly, like the mother in that movie, OP’s mom hasn’t got a leg to stand on, as she knows nothing of her own kids routines & now all of a sudden wants to swoop in & make new rules, just because she doesn’t like how much control the eldest sibling has?? That’s certainly not going to prove you’re a better parent! 🤔🤦♀️
i dont think he's the AH at all...sounds like he is taking the role of parenting at such a young age and doing his best. I know he wasnt intentionally makeing her cry, maybe she realized she really is never hime. Kudos to the OP
NTA... hands down!! I commend this young man for stepping up to be both the mother & father for his younger siblings at just 17. Also willing to take them with him when he turns 18. Not the kids fault, they didn't put in a request to be born in the world. I truly hope she doesn't have any more to be honest.
This is a tragedy. This young man shouldn't be raising his brothers. He says when he's eighteen he's leaving home and taking his brothers with him. He needs to document everything he's doing (and his mother isn't doing) and go to CPS as soon as he turns eighteen. It's sad that there are no adult family members around to help him.
I'm 47. I was parentified around 11, with my sister, 7 years younger than me. THEN added my brother, 15 years my junior. Both mother & her 2nd husband were around, but HE was abusive and SHE was lazy and scared (so she says) so I was the one doing everything except driving people around & grocery shopping...until I learned to drive & then I did all those things as well. I was in school, then worked after, in between my hours of what I had to do at home. Also, most of my paychecks went to pay off mom's spending addiction. I never went to college, and have been working full-time since I was 17. Most times, it was 2 jobs at a time, until my physical health blew up & I can barely manage ONE job these days. Oh, and my siblings? All 3 of us adults now? We still live together AND I raised my sister's daughter, because my sister & brother have their own mental disorders...plus my sister is a barely-functioning alcoholic, who works for a year at a time, then quits or get fired. F*** my life.
My kids went to bed at 8. When they hit middle school, 9. Unless grades started dropping or they were hard to get up in the morning, then back to 8 and try again later. High school 11. Friday and Saturday night an hour later and summer an hour later for all. Date nights curfew was midnight. (There are exceptions so certain dances was later, common sense.) You are doing great for a job you never signed up for. Proud of you. Wish I was your mom.
The OP is only assuming that his mother stays out drinking. I really have a hard time believing that he is as supportive as he claims. I would like to hear mom's side as well as from the two other sons before making a judgment against the mom. This young man is painting himself as a saint too much.
You be surprised how many parents leave the raising of the children to the shelter. Siblings happen to me
Load More Replies... You know what is sad? I might be wrong, but I imagine this woman had a hard time. Alone with 4 kids? I am guessing she had to work hard, sacrificing time with her kids to earn money to pay bills to put food on the table. I‘m guessing one day she just snapped under the stress or there was a trigger. A particular bad day or a really bad incident. Then she started drinking or whatever. And it spiralled. She craved that mind numbing. If she really is an Alcoholic, it is not really her fault in my opinion. Sure we can say she should not have started or not have had 4 kids or whatever you think she should or shouldn‘t have done. But fact is, that for most people it is hard to resist, hard to quit. Many people don‘t get the support they need. They might have been a happy family with just the right kind of help. That might have been financial or just a friend to talk to. Even Grandparents. Encouragement! Of course the son is right in this situation, but I don‘t blame the mother, deep down.
No, this woman sounds like a deadbeat who doesn't care
Load More Replies... NTA but don’t fight with your mother in front of the kids
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