Mom Is Confused About Who Gets To Celebrate Mother’s Day, Starts A Discussion

There are only so many days in a year when we get to collectively celebrate our dear mothers who patiently and selflessly shaped us into the fine creatures that we are today. With Mother’s Day looming over the horizon this Sunday, most moms are expecting a heartwarming crayon drawing and some extra hours in bed. But when there’s many mothers in the family, the question of ‘who gets to celebrate what’ can get a bit tricky.

At least, this is the conundrum that TikToker Bailey McPherson found interesting when she thought about all the mothers she cares about. “Mother’s Day as an adult is weird because it’s like, am I expected to celebrate it with my mother-in-law? Am I expected to celebrate it with my own mother? Because my own mother certainly thinks so,” she pondered, not sure where she, as a mother herself, fits into the celebration. With 1.5 million views as of today, we assume many women feel similarly perplexed by the guidelines that this beautiful occasion is yet to define.

After questioning the age-old protocols of Mother’s Day, this TikTok mom went viral with 1.5 million views

Image credits: bmcpher

“Mother’s Day as an adult is weird because it’s like am I expected to celebrate it with my mother-in-law? Am I expected to celebrate it with my own mother? Because my own mother certainly thinks so, but I am also a mother. So when do I as a mother, who now lives near her mother, when do I celebrate myself?”

@bmcpher Lmk #momsoftiktok #fyp #mothersday ♬ original sound – Bailey

Image credits: bmcpher

“Celebrate Mother’s Day together? But the thing is I don’t like to spend my alone-time mommy breaks with other people. I definitely don’t like to sit in other people’s houses and watch my kid. I don’t wanna be with my kid on Mother’s Day. I don’t want to go to someone’s house and be a mother, you know.”

Image credits: EKATERINA BOLOVTSOVA (not the actual photo)

“I want to go out and get my toes done, have someone scrub my feet till I get so tickly that I almost kick them in the face. I want to drink something bubbly, even a Shirley Temple, a bottomless Shirley Temple. Some food, maybe some shopping. That’s my idea of Mother’s Day by myself. Whoever wants to tag along, that… Yeah, I mean, I guess my mom could tag along for that, but that’s all I’m settling for. I will not be mothering on Mother’s Day. Goodbye.”

@bmcpher Replying to @user7762547481637 BOTTOMLESS SHIRELY TEMPLES #fyp #momsoftiktok #mothersday ♬ original sound – Bailey

Image credits: Maria Lupan (not the actual photo)

Despite the well-meaning purpose of the occasion, many mothers feel it’s about time to speak up about the negative side as well

Almost every mom can attest to the fact that while Mother’s Day is a well-appreciated occasion, one that honors their sacrifices big and small, the fact that they still have to carry on their mommy duties on their only official day in a year is kind of silly. They’re usually the default parent, calling the shots and seeing that the kids are clean and fed. So it’s only understandable that what they would truly want is a few moments to themselves. As Mother.ly‘s author once wrote: “The ideal mom-centric holiday for most moms is, well, a break. Time to read, time to binge Netflix, time to shop or eat or see a movie all on her own. To her heart’s content. Without interruption.”

On the other hand, mothers generally appreciate anything you get for them. Talk about selflessness. As a matter of fact, a survey found that 78% of mothers have never been disappointed by a Mother’s Day gift. Therefore, even a simple gesture such as breakfast in bed prepared by the kids can go a long way in expressing gratitude towards mothers.

While Mother’s Day is considered a time to honor and celebrate all mothers, for some, the occasion can be nothing short of stressful. Think, for example, about the sidelined mother-child relationships layered with shame and regret. “Whether it’s the saccharine cards in the shops, or posts on social media in which people are sharing their gratitude and appreciation, it is all too easy to feel like everyone else is having the kind of day you should be having: the kind of day that’s joyful and easy and natural,” Lucy Blake, a Senior Lecturer in Psychology at the University of the West of England and the author of “No Family is Perfect: A Guide to Embracing the Messy Reality“, told Bored Panda. “In reality, it is common for mother-child relationships to be characterized by positive and negative emotions alongside one another.”

Image credits: Priscilla Du Preez (not the actual photo)

Turns out, family estrangements are more common than you might think. According to a 2015 survey of over 800 people, a majority of estrangements between parents and adult children were initiated by the former because of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse during childhood, “toxic” behaviors like disrespect or hurtfulness, feeling unsupported, or clashes in values. Between 65 and 75 years old with at least two adult children, about 11% of mothers were estranged from one of their children. Of those, 62% reported contact less than once a month with at least one child, and the remaining 38% had no contact with their child in the past year.

Perhaps the most curious fact you won’t be likely to find on your standard Mother’s Day card, then, was revealed by the Baby Center campaign in 2011. It found that almost every single mom, or 94% of surveyed mothers, felt parenting-related guilt. Which brings us back to Blake’s point. “No one person,  relationship or family, is perfect. Mother’s Day cards present mothers as always loving, all-knowing, ever-present, and faultless: these are not the qualities of a human being or a human relationship – they are qualities that are God-like,” she explained.

Jen Zamzow, a professor of healthcare ethics at Concordia University Irvine and a mother of two little boys (“my greatest joy—and my hardest job!”), agrees with Blake and believes that society should also consider the sidelined parts of motherhood that often get overshadowed by the festivities of Mother’s Day. “One of the hardest parts of motherhood is the invisible labor that moms are both more likely to take on and more likely to suffer negative psychological effects from,” Zamzow explained to Bored Panda in an email. “Moms want to be acknowledged, but we also want more help—and not just on Mother’s Day!”

For those who are wrestling with similar feelings with Mother’s Day looming over the horizon, Blake suggests remembering that there are countless others around the world going through the same thing. “Even though sons, daughters and mothers might feel alone in their experiences of estrangement, there are many, many people all over the world who are experiencing similar kinds of feelings,” said Blake.

In addition to recognizing that we’re not the only ones going through difficult times, Zamzow emphasizes the significance of confronting the unpleasant emotions that can consume us. “When a relationship is not what you want it to be, there’s a real sense of loss there,” she argued, “it’s important to grieve the loss of the relationship you wish you had. Sometimes letting go of our idea of how we wanted things to be allows us to move forward and find something beautiful in what we have.”

Many mothers chimed in with advice and their opinions on the matter

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