Husband Wants A Divorce After Finding Wife’s “Go Bag”, Gets A Reality Check Online
Accidents can strike at any moment, which is why some people like to be prepared for any scenario. Whether it’s a hurricane, a fire, or a relationship crisis, it’s a good idea to have a “go bag” that you can quickly grab in a hurry.
Redditor Sadhusbandry’s wife was one of those people who kept it just in case something happened. But when her husband found it, he became very defensive and accused her of distrusting him. Without any faith left in their relationship, he didn’t see it continuing.
It’s a great idea to have a “go bag” in case of emergency
Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto / Pexels (not the actual photo)
But when this husband found it in his home, it led to him wanting a divorce
Image credits: Andrew Neel / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: anon
Having a “go bag” can save a person’s life
Those who have heard about the concept of a “go bag” might be aware that it’s not only packed in case of natural disasters or accidents but can be an important safety precaution in abusive relationships. Of course, most people don’t expect to end up in one. However, it can be tricky to avoid it, as violent individuals tend to be on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship.
Unfortunately, occurrences of violence in relationships are more common than some might think. On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by their partner in the US.
This equates to more than 10 million women and men a year.
A person with a history of such relationships might also feel the need to keep a “go bag” even though they have moved on and currently have a healthy bond with their significant other.
A team of husband and wife, Charley and Tracy Vega, are experts in violence prevention and survival, and they made it their mission to educate people when to grab a bag and go. They run a self-defensive workshop, “Simple Self Defense for Women,” where they make safety easy by teaching people to escape an attack instead of staying and fighting.
The Vegas say those in abusive relationships need to be prepared in advance and keep this type of bag packed. The contents of it may mean the difference between life and death. The starting line is to gather important paperwork, like a copy of an ID, passport, Social Security card, driver’s license – anything that shows where you’re currently living.
There is more to packing a “go bag” than meets the eye
They also recommend leaving personal cell phones behind and keeping a prepaid disposable one in the bag, as they are more difficult to track. Having cash on hand can help in case they need to go to a hotel or get a taxi. In addition, it’s also a good idea to include a spare key to the car and the house and keep essentials for the family in there.
The Vegas suggest that another smart thing to do is to pack some of the abuser’s things inside. In case they discover it, you can call it an emergency kit for natural disasters. But if it’s possible to leave it to someone you trust – that would be the safest option.
Ellen Siler, the CEO of Hubbard House, a shelter for victims of domestic abuse, urges people to leave copies of some of the things outside the home. If they are taken by a violent partner and those documents were your only ones, you’re back to square one.
The Vagas also note that women should be aware of “tracker apps” installed on their phones without their consent. Which just adds another reason to leave it behind.
No one supported his view on the matter
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Not all abusers are loud. And given how quickly he throws away the marriage (with a child, no less), he doesn't give off good vibes. Also, did anyone notice that "we have mould" and "tidying up" doesn't fit? I bet he used the mould as an excuse to go sniffing through her things. Again, not the actions of a man as good as he himself claims he is.
Yes. HUGE red flag. He doesn't trust her. Was he looking for mold inside that bag. This guy is an a*s
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When I told my (now) husband about my go bag he said if it makes you feel safe, I am happy for you to do whatever you need to do. Husband's response in this scenario is all about him. Sounds like this woman was right to have a go bag.
It's definitely smart for a woman to always have some sort of plan
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"She has a go bag = she doesn't trust me = I can't be with her". So she was right not to trust you. Fragile!
Anyone else get strong “Nice Guy” vibes from this? You know, he’s the calm, logical and rational person going through his wife’s stuff, than decided to divorce her because she’s untrustworthy like all the other females out there…
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Wow. Looking at it on Reddit, he deleted his post, account and comments. Made a new account with a new phrasing of the same question, then deleted that one too. Then another one. No wonder she has a fúcking go-bag and was terrified to tell him. This dude is scary… I wish I could’ve seen his comments before he deleted them. Apparently they’re unhinged…
I've been telling my wife for years we need a disaster bag to grab and go in case of emergency like earthquake or fire. If my wife told me today that she had an emergency go-bag so she could run away if I turned abusive, I think I'd just say "Okay. I hope you never need it, but if you do, I'm glad you have it!"
This. This is how my husband responded. He just kissed my head and said, I will never give you a reason to use it, but if it makes you feel safe, I'm glad you have it.
Load More Replies... I have a go bag and I'm single and live alone. I might need emergency hospital admission, could be a fire or natural disaster where I need to get out quickly. The op is being ridiculous over something that might never happen, at the very least he should try counselling to investigate why a simple emergency bag made him go nuclear. Like another comment said, his wife chooses to be with him and chooses to stay.
But if you reread it, it was done specifically to leave him, not about emergency.
Load More Replies... Your extreme reaction is the whole reason she has a go-bag. You might never have raised your voice but passive aggression is quiet and just as abusive and I bet you are a master at creating drama.
This is exactly what an abuser would do: force a woman into abandoning her go bag by emotionally blackmailing her and then pounce, literally and figuratively. Not saying OP would do this, but he does show a lack of empathy. Not a good omen.
If he is an abuser all the more reason to end the marriage.
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My girlfriend is perfectly fine with me having a safety net. Because she’s a normal person and she KNOWS i was abused before.
Yeah it's suspicious that he didn't care to sit her dow and ask her if it happened to her in the past...
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Jumping straight to divorce is a little bit hasty. Marital counseling should be the next step. If she doesn't agree, there's your green light to end the marriage. On the other hand, if she DOES agree to counseling, take divorce off the table until you both have decided that it's the best course. Remember: a child is now involved and should get top priority. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Literally.
My ex-husband turned on me. We were together 3 years and married 7 months. It started with raising his voice, to yelling, to screaming, to punching holes in walls. I did not have a go-bag. Instead, I had to plan to move out in secret, recruit friends for help, and execute the plan while he was at work.
Gotta love all these people who dont realize that you can have what appears to be a completely loving and trusting realationship, where you have 100% faith in your partner and never given a reason to doubt them; that ends up becoming abusive. If you are a genuinely good person, you would understand your partners need to protect themselves from those who can keep a perfect deception regarding who they are. Because they EXIST. Its not a statement that YOU are untrustworthy, but that those who arent can act just as perfect as you.
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So this guy essentially searched the whole house - he wasn’t looking for mould when he went through her gym bag, people. Then as soon as he found something he could use, he began berating her and threatening divorce while ensuring she no longer had her means to leave him quickly. All he did was demonstrate that she was right. I think he should divorce her but he won’t because that’s not the point of this exercise, the point is abuse, including showing her all the Reddit responses of how awful she is. She should divorce him and definitely not have another baby.
You can have a go bag as well. It also works if there is a medical emergency. If you are secure in your relationship, this shouldn't be a problem. If you aren't, maybe there is a reason for a go bag.
I have one and it helped for this exact reason. I got rushed to hospital and was able to tell the paramedics where it was. It had all my essentials plus written contact numbers in case they were not able to access my phone.
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"I'm not an abuser..." **immediately jumps to emotional blackmail** Not yelling at or arguing with someone doesn't mean you're not an abuser. My parents rarely argued and my dad was an emotional bully. We'd walk on egg shells wondering what next would p**s him off. And, again, he wouldn't yell...just get super mad and make life anxious and terrible. If OP is ready to jump ship this easily and takes something as innocuous as a "go bag" as a breach of trust somehow, that's on him. If my partner had one, I'd be proud that they're smart enough to want to protect themselves even if they didn't need to. And I'd make sure they felt safe and comfortable to never feel the need to use it. I have fire extinguisher in the apartment. Does that mean I don't trust any partner enough to not burn the place down? Of course not. It's there just in case.
He just proved that she was justified to have it, he sounds aggressive and potentially abusive. Look up the stories about hospitals asking women ALONE if they have been abused. The boyfriends and husbands who are good people are never offended by that practice, but I bet he would.
Flat out, if this is the dude's reaction to finding the go bag (complete loss of trust), then he is exactly the reason why women feel they need them. Also, I'm sorry, but I move stuff in our closets on occasion as well - I very certainly do NOT feel the need to inspect anything on my wife's side to see what it contains... sounds like he had trust issues long before discovering the go bag. Forget counseling, my dude, you need to go straight to therapy to see what it is that makes you tick this way - then go to counseling and hope you can earn your wife's trust back.
I have a go bag - but it's for any eventuality: my kid needed to get an ambulance to hospital once so I just grabbed it, plus a couple of essentials for the baby, and I knew I had everything in it I needed. Should there ever be any need to scarper quickly, I know where it is and where my essentials are. I'm Jewish. I think a few of us have this mentality still. You never know.
The weird thing isn't the go bag, I would think anyone with family tragedy or who lives in a natural disaster zone has one, it's that the bag is just for her, there's no provision for him (and presumably the child, but not mentioned) so it's not for any emergency other than abuse.
Load More Replies... Two questions comes to mind here - and I'll confess I didn't read all the comments... first, he went straight to divorce on finding the go bag? Sounds like he had trust issues already. Second - and tied to that - I move things around in our closets on occasion myself, in the course of doing this or that. I have never, not once, felt the need to inspect the contents of ANY box or bag on my wife's side of the closet. Sounds like the need for the go bag is legitimate - husband should probably talk to a therapist about both trust and control issues before they both head to the marriage counselor. If I were his wife, I'd probably be considering using that go bag about the time the inquisition happened o.O
Hang on, she had a go bag in case she needed to run from him but didn't have anything prepared for both of them in case of an emergency. Sounds to me like this runs deeper then OP states.
It does. Someone above has noted OP has apparently deleted the original thread, reposted, deleted and posted/deleted again. Now I'm wondering how OP is changing the narrative, and if this woman and their child are alright? Maybe she really DID need that go bag more than anyone realized.
Load More Replies... He sounds absolutely horrific and she sounds wary of him. It doesn't sound like she trusts him completely... And as a complete stranger I don't trust him at All. Who the hell jumps to DIVORCE immediately?? Scary bloke
OP says he can't stay with a woman who doesn't trust him, but really it's he who doesn't trust her. Every person with a go bag has their own reasons for it. I've been in an abusive relationship where I feared for my life and when I finally left I had 76 cents to my name. My husband doesn't know just how bad that relationship was, but it was bad. Still - that's not why I have a go bag. It's in case of emergency, which can take any form (mostly I fear fire where I live). If something happens and I panic, I know that when I grab that bag, I have the basic necessities for a few days (and so does my husband, since I've included a change of clothes for him, too).
Just the fact that he threatened her with an ultimatum (leaving her) is a clear sign of gaslighting (abuse).
reading this I was just thinking how manipulative this man is, i'm divrocing you because you have a go bag, tells me everything really. Extremely controlling and he's punishing her for her lack of devotion to him. Yuuuuuck
Someone has self esteem issues... why would you give a s**t what she does... how exactly does this affect you again? my bad how does this affect your trust issues (self esteem) again?
I wouldnt give a s**t... you do you, let her do her..sounds like you got control issues son
Commenters are forgetting OP said he was “cleaning out his wife’s closet because of mold” that just happened to be in that spot. Did. He. Ask. Her. First? Doesn’t sound like it. So basically, he was snooping in her closet and found what he was looking for—-proof his possession is readying herself for the eventuality that he might snap and physically abuse her or worse, and she would need to beat a hasty retreat, with a child in tow. Bet you there’s a similar bag in the kid’s closet as well. He’s controlling and a narcissist who looks for the tiniest reason to way overreact, blow up, and go nuclear, and I can well believe she really does intend to leave him. If she did, and manages to get a good enough lawyer to prove his abuse—-btw, abuse doesn’t just mean hitting someone, there’s mental and emotional abuse too, they leave no visible bruises and scars, but they’re just as devastating—-and takes him to the cleaners in the divorce, it will be way less than he deserves.
I don't even buy why he opened her bag in the first place. He says he was checking the house for mold. Okay, but why open this bag? If there was no mold elsewhere in her closet, there wasn't going to be any mold in that bag. Next, any woman who has been in an abusive relationship or has had a friend or relative who has been in one knows about having a "go bag". Has he asked if she has had loved ones who were in this circumstance? If so, that would explain why she felt the need to have a bag packed. This man may be guilty of coercive control, whether or not he yells or has hit her....coercive control means subjugating her and punishing her for attempting to get away. Instead of asking why she would have a go bag, he should have been asking why she felt she needed one. Instead of acting hurt and insulted that she doesn't trust him, he should be asking himself what he has done to make her feel that way.
ive lived with abusers. one of them i had to wait till he took some benadryl bc he was sick and i had to flee with nothing but the clothes on my back. i didnt even have a car or any money. no one believed me when i told them he was abusing me. i have a go bag now. i can reach it easily and me and my kids will be able to run if we ever have to run. havent had a reason, but it gives me peace of mind knowing we will be safe and not sleeping on the street like i had to.
I'm really conflicted on this one, and find I'm agreeing with nearly all the comments on both sides! I work for a domestic abuse organisation and have often recommended go-bags to clients, but I can honestly say it's never even crossed my mind to have one myself because I do completely trust my husband. On the other hand, I completely agree that the man's reaction is extreme and counselling would be a better option than just up & leaving without a discussion. This one is not as clear cut as they usually are.
Let me get this straight. Dude thinks the only way to be abusive is the yell or argue? A lot of ways for you to be an abuser. Some without you even realizing it. And it can easily pop up out of no where. And having a go bag is not about trust. You have one for the same reason you have other insurances, including life insurance, as a practical means of protecting yourself. The only issue I have is her lying about it to begin with. But given it's purpose, even that is forgivable. Get over yourself dude. This has absolutely nothing to do with a lack of trust in you. It's about piece of mind and a sense of security for her. And if you have any sense of awareness of the outside world and what others, especially women, have to deal with in their lives from people they implicitly trust, you'd realize who foolish your reaction to this is.
Hang on, she had a go bag in case she needed to run from him but didn't have anything prepared for both of them in case of an emergency. Sounds to me like this runs deeper then OP states. Something doesn't add up.
So his immediate reaction is to consider divorce over a go-bag? Yeah, wife needs to bail.
Saying „I would never do that” (for men AND women) is like saying „my dog won’t bite”, you never know 100%.
I feel like DNA test, go bags, and prenups are all the same. People want to be sure their future is secure and protected. A test, the bag, and prenp all offer peace of mind while unfortunitly indicating that you don't fully trust your partners character. I guess if people were trustworthy no one would fall victim to gold digging, abusive, cheaters. I guess if one is valid they're all valid. If someone can be betrayed by their partner, we all can be betrayed by our partner, none of us are special.
I can say from personal experience that a prenup can also be used to psychologically and financially abuse someone. It’s why I have a go bag and didn’t force my current husband to sign a prenup.
Load More Replies... This world is not nice to woman. Even with a good man on her side there will be times she needs to have a go bag. It's not just abusive partner, it's hospital emergencies, kid emergency. I also think men need a go bag. Everyone needs that sense of its ok if I need to go
If this guy is going straight to divorce for finding this bag, then she was right to keep on ready. I usually tell my nieces and gal pals to keep a Plan B account. Keep a savings account with only your name and keep socking away money in case you need a Plan B. If he turns out to be an abuser, if he cheats, if he's arrested, if he throws a fit for having a bag of clothes then you have money to go to a hotel or move out and start the divorce process. All women should have a safety net of some sort. I've been married 18 years and I still have an account with a little money in it.
My mother dated her abuser for two years. He hid his true personality well. It wasn't until after he had trapped her in a marriage and moved her away from her support system that she saw his true colors. He took her dream of being a SAHM and used it to convince her to quit her job and then rely on him for everything. He watched every penny she spent. It wasn't until right before she died of cancer that she told me of her stash of money hidden in a closet that she had been taking dollar for dollar from her grocery allowance to save up enough to leave him. The most important lesson I learned from those two years of h-ll was to always have my own money. So I work and I have a separate checking account from my husband. And he's fine with it. Because he knows my past history and that this is non-negotiable for me. Even though my husband would never in a million years use money to abuse and control me, he is not threatened by my need for this.
A go bag for anyone, not just women carries the same basic principle for having condoms. You would much rather have one and not need it, than to need one but not have it.
Yikes this guy needs major counseling. My question is, does she have toddler clothes in there? If not then thats a bit rude....
Babies outgrow diapers and clothes SO quick it would be a fools errand to put diapers and clothes in the bag, she would just grab diapers and clothes quick from the kids bedroom and add it to the bag and then go
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I definitely wouldn't jump straight to divorce in such a situation... but I'd still feel insulted. They should get some counseling before doing anything drastic.
Feeling insulted/betrayed is a normal reaction.... What bothers me is what followed...
Load More Replies... If she has a history of abuse, I would be able to move past this. If she doesn't, the lack of trust would be a big ussue. Not big enough for divorce though. Him jumping straight to that conclusion might mean he doesn't trust her much either. Counseling would be the way to go.
My question, and it's a HUGE question for me, and would be the reason that I would freak out if I found that bag is: "why aren't there any diapers?". He mentions tampons and clothes for her, but nothing for the toddler. Is the woman getting ready to leave her two year old baby in whatever situation he finds to be dangerous? I understand her concerns, but if she believes that here is a non-negligible chance that her husband will start being abusive isn't she worried about him being abusive to their toddler?
its one thing to have had it before the relationship. its another thing to let your partner know you have it. if she didnt have it before, never told him about, the relationship is solid and then the guy finds out she has that s**t ? i can only imagine the whirlwind of thoughts and questions and emotions going through that guy's brain. and then hearing its a "go bag" in case of abuse? its like she is telling him "you WILL abuse me". who wouldnt be disapointed and hurt ? flip the genders. how many women would be hurt at finding out something like this, in this manner? f*****g put yourself in the other person's shoes. comunicate. if she didnt want to tell him and be upfront about the bag its because she knew it would cause a problem. she could have avoided all of that.
Nothing like smell of crucifixion in the morning. Most of the comments are painting him an abuser, a seriously bad guy and wondering what kind of abuse she has gone through but not thinking that extreme reaction from him might be a sign of past abuse. My GUESS is he has fear of getting abandoned which leads to this situation where he might feel that there's no future in the relationship where she isn't trusting her and possibly need to bail out before it actually happens. Whatever it is about in that kind of situation I'd definitely wouldn't post my situation to ask advice or confirmation to my feelings in Reddit or especially not in BP because the community is savage af and will tear you apart. He should really take time to talk to her and get couples counseling and therapy. Or if you really want to get suicidal ask BP community their opinion about you and you get a whole new personality of a serial killer that you didn't know about.
I'm going to be minority here and say that he's not wrong to feel that way. If you are comfortable bringing multiple children into the world with someone, you should trust them. And if you DON'T, then you need to not be having children with them cause that's screwed up, IMO.
Absolutely, if you think you might need a go bag in the future, get you and your child out now before you have to literally flee. If he's possibly that much of a danger, don't have kids, but I'd you do, that should be more motivation to get out early.
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Not all abusers are loud. And given how quickly he throws away the marriage (with a child, no less), he doesn't give off good vibes. Also, did anyone notice that "we have mould" and "tidying up" doesn't fit? I bet he used the mould as an excuse to go sniffing through her things. Again, not the actions of a man as good as he himself claims he is.
Yes. HUGE red flag. He doesn't trust her. Was he looking for mold inside that bag. This guy is an a*s
Load More Replies... When I told my (now) husband about my go bag he said if it makes you feel safe, I am happy for you to do whatever you need to do. Husband's response in this scenario is all about him. Sounds like this woman was right to have a go bag.
It's definitely smart for a woman to always have some sort of plan
Load More Replies... "She has a go bag = she doesn't trust me = I can't be with her". So she was right not to trust you. Fragile!
Anyone else get strong “Nice Guy” vibes from this? You know, he’s the calm, logical and rational person going through his wife’s stuff, than decided to divorce her because she’s untrustworthy like all the other females out there…
Load More Replies... Wow. Looking at it on Reddit, he deleted his post, account and comments. Made a new account with a new phrasing of the same question, then deleted that one too. Then another one. No wonder she has a fúcking go-bag and was terrified to tell him. This dude is scary… I wish I could’ve seen his comments before he deleted them. Apparently they’re unhinged…
I've been telling my wife for years we need a disaster bag to grab and go in case of emergency like earthquake or fire. If my wife told me today that she had an emergency go-bag so she could run away if I turned abusive, I think I'd just say "Okay. I hope you never need it, but if you do, I'm glad you have it!"
This. This is how my husband responded. He just kissed my head and said, I will never give you a reason to use it, but if it makes you feel safe, I'm glad you have it.
Load More Replies... I have a go bag and I'm single and live alone. I might need emergency hospital admission, could be a fire or natural disaster where I need to get out quickly. The op is being ridiculous over something that might never happen, at the very least he should try counselling to investigate why a simple emergency bag made him go nuclear. Like another comment said, his wife chooses to be with him and chooses to stay.
But if you reread it, it was done specifically to leave him, not about emergency.
Load More Replies... Your extreme reaction is the whole reason she has a go-bag. You might never have raised your voice but passive aggression is quiet and just as abusive and I bet you are a master at creating drama.
This is exactly what an abuser would do: force a woman into abandoning her go bag by emotionally blackmailing her and then pounce, literally and figuratively. Not saying OP would do this, but he does show a lack of empathy. Not a good omen.
If he is an abuser all the more reason to end the marriage.
Load More Replies... My girlfriend is perfectly fine with me having a safety net. Because she’s a normal person and she KNOWS i was abused before.
Yeah it's suspicious that he didn't care to sit her dow and ask her if it happened to her in the past...
Load More Replies... Jumping straight to divorce is a little bit hasty. Marital counseling should be the next step. If she doesn't agree, there's your green light to end the marriage. On the other hand, if she DOES agree to counseling, take divorce off the table until you both have decided that it's the best course. Remember: a child is now involved and should get top priority. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Literally.
My ex-husband turned on me. We were together 3 years and married 7 months. It started with raising his voice, to yelling, to screaming, to punching holes in walls. I did not have a go-bag. Instead, I had to plan to move out in secret, recruit friends for help, and execute the plan while he was at work.
Gotta love all these people who dont realize that you can have what appears to be a completely loving and trusting realationship, where you have 100% faith in your partner and never given a reason to doubt them; that ends up becoming abusive. If you are a genuinely good person, you would understand your partners need to protect themselves from those who can keep a perfect deception regarding who they are. Because they EXIST. Its not a statement that YOU are untrustworthy, but that those who arent can act just as perfect as you.
Load More Replies... So this guy essentially searched the whole house - he wasn’t looking for mould when he went through her gym bag, people. Then as soon as he found something he could use, he began berating her and threatening divorce while ensuring she no longer had her means to leave him quickly. All he did was demonstrate that she was right. I think he should divorce her but he won’t because that’s not the point of this exercise, the point is abuse, including showing her all the Reddit responses of how awful she is. She should divorce him and definitely not have another baby.
You can have a go bag as well. It also works if there is a medical emergency. If you are secure in your relationship, this shouldn't be a problem. If you aren't, maybe there is a reason for a go bag.
I have one and it helped for this exact reason. I got rushed to hospital and was able to tell the paramedics where it was. It had all my essentials plus written contact numbers in case they were not able to access my phone.
Load More Replies... "I'm not an abuser..." **immediately jumps to emotional blackmail** Not yelling at or arguing with someone doesn't mean you're not an abuser. My parents rarely argued and my dad was an emotional bully. We'd walk on egg shells wondering what next would p**s him off. And, again, he wouldn't yell...just get super mad and make life anxious and terrible. If OP is ready to jump ship this easily and takes something as innocuous as a "go bag" as a breach of trust somehow, that's on him. If my partner had one, I'd be proud that they're smart enough to want to protect themselves even if they didn't need to. And I'd make sure they felt safe and comfortable to never feel the need to use it. I have fire extinguisher in the apartment. Does that mean I don't trust any partner enough to not burn the place down? Of course not. It's there just in case.
He just proved that she was justified to have it, he sounds aggressive and potentially abusive. Look up the stories about hospitals asking women ALONE if they have been abused. The boyfriends and husbands who are good people are never offended by that practice, but I bet he would.
Flat out, if this is the dude's reaction to finding the go bag (complete loss of trust), then he is exactly the reason why women feel they need them. Also, I'm sorry, but I move stuff in our closets on occasion as well - I very certainly do NOT feel the need to inspect anything on my wife's side to see what it contains... sounds like he had trust issues long before discovering the go bag. Forget counseling, my dude, you need to go straight to therapy to see what it is that makes you tick this way - then go to counseling and hope you can earn your wife's trust back.
I have a go bag - but it's for any eventuality: my kid needed to get an ambulance to hospital once so I just grabbed it, plus a couple of essentials for the baby, and I knew I had everything in it I needed. Should there ever be any need to scarper quickly, I know where it is and where my essentials are. I'm Jewish. I think a few of us have this mentality still. You never know.
The weird thing isn't the go bag, I would think anyone with family tragedy or who lives in a natural disaster zone has one, it's that the bag is just for her, there's no provision for him (and presumably the child, but not mentioned) so it's not for any emergency other than abuse.
Load More Replies... Two questions comes to mind here - and I'll confess I didn't read all the comments... first, he went straight to divorce on finding the go bag? Sounds like he had trust issues already. Second - and tied to that - I move things around in our closets on occasion myself, in the course of doing this or that. I have never, not once, felt the need to inspect the contents of ANY box or bag on my wife's side of the closet. Sounds like the need for the go bag is legitimate - husband should probably talk to a therapist about both trust and control issues before they both head to the marriage counselor. If I were his wife, I'd probably be considering using that go bag about the time the inquisition happened o.O
Hang on, she had a go bag in case she needed to run from him but didn't have anything prepared for both of them in case of an emergency. Sounds to me like this runs deeper then OP states.
It does. Someone above has noted OP has apparently deleted the original thread, reposted, deleted and posted/deleted again. Now I'm wondering how OP is changing the narrative, and if this woman and their child are alright? Maybe she really DID need that go bag more than anyone realized.
Load More Replies... He sounds absolutely horrific and she sounds wary of him. It doesn't sound like she trusts him completely... And as a complete stranger I don't trust him at All. Who the hell jumps to DIVORCE immediately?? Scary bloke
OP says he can't stay with a woman who doesn't trust him, but really it's he who doesn't trust her. Every person with a go bag has their own reasons for it. I've been in an abusive relationship where I feared for my life and when I finally left I had 76 cents to my name. My husband doesn't know just how bad that relationship was, but it was bad. Still - that's not why I have a go bag. It's in case of emergency, which can take any form (mostly I fear fire where I live). If something happens and I panic, I know that when I grab that bag, I have the basic necessities for a few days (and so does my husband, since I've included a change of clothes for him, too).
Just the fact that he threatened her with an ultimatum (leaving her) is a clear sign of gaslighting (abuse).
reading this I was just thinking how manipulative this man is, i'm divrocing you because you have a go bag, tells me everything really. Extremely controlling and he's punishing her for her lack of devotion to him. Yuuuuuck
Someone has self esteem issues... why would you give a s**t what she does... how exactly does this affect you again? my bad how does this affect your trust issues (self esteem) again?
I wouldnt give a s**t... you do you, let her do her..sounds like you got control issues son
Commenters are forgetting OP said he was “cleaning out his wife’s closet because of mold” that just happened to be in that spot. Did. He. Ask. Her. First? Doesn’t sound like it. So basically, he was snooping in her closet and found what he was looking for—-proof his possession is readying herself for the eventuality that he might snap and physically abuse her or worse, and she would need to beat a hasty retreat, with a child in tow. Bet you there’s a similar bag in the kid’s closet as well. He’s controlling and a narcissist who looks for the tiniest reason to way overreact, blow up, and go nuclear, and I can well believe she really does intend to leave him. If she did, and manages to get a good enough lawyer to prove his abuse—-btw, abuse doesn’t just mean hitting someone, there’s mental and emotional abuse too, they leave no visible bruises and scars, but they’re just as devastating—-and takes him to the cleaners in the divorce, it will be way less than he deserves.
I don't even buy why he opened her bag in the first place. He says he was checking the house for mold. Okay, but why open this bag? If there was no mold elsewhere in her closet, there wasn't going to be any mold in that bag. Next, any woman who has been in an abusive relationship or has had a friend or relative who has been in one knows about having a "go bag". Has he asked if she has had loved ones who were in this circumstance? If so, that would explain why she felt the need to have a bag packed. This man may be guilty of coercive control, whether or not he yells or has hit her....coercive control means subjugating her and punishing her for attempting to get away. Instead of asking why she would have a go bag, he should have been asking why she felt she needed one. Instead of acting hurt and insulted that she doesn't trust him, he should be asking himself what he has done to make her feel that way.
ive lived with abusers. one of them i had to wait till he took some benadryl bc he was sick and i had to flee with nothing but the clothes on my back. i didnt even have a car or any money. no one believed me when i told them he was abusing me. i have a go bag now. i can reach it easily and me and my kids will be able to run if we ever have to run. havent had a reason, but it gives me peace of mind knowing we will be safe and not sleeping on the street like i had to.
I'm really conflicted on this one, and find I'm agreeing with nearly all the comments on both sides! I work for a domestic abuse organisation and have often recommended go-bags to clients, but I can honestly say it's never even crossed my mind to have one myself because I do completely trust my husband. On the other hand, I completely agree that the man's reaction is extreme and counselling would be a better option than just up & leaving without a discussion. This one is not as clear cut as they usually are.
Let me get this straight. Dude thinks the only way to be abusive is the yell or argue? A lot of ways for you to be an abuser. Some without you even realizing it. And it can easily pop up out of no where. And having a go bag is not about trust. You have one for the same reason you have other insurances, including life insurance, as a practical means of protecting yourself. The only issue I have is her lying about it to begin with. But given it's purpose, even that is forgivable. Get over yourself dude. This has absolutely nothing to do with a lack of trust in you. It's about piece of mind and a sense of security for her. And if you have any sense of awareness of the outside world and what others, especially women, have to deal with in their lives from people they implicitly trust, you'd realize who foolish your reaction to this is.
Hang on, she had a go bag in case she needed to run from him but didn't have anything prepared for both of them in case of an emergency. Sounds to me like this runs deeper then OP states. Something doesn't add up.
So his immediate reaction is to consider divorce over a go-bag? Yeah, wife needs to bail.
Saying „I would never do that” (for men AND women) is like saying „my dog won’t bite”, you never know 100%.
I feel like DNA test, go bags, and prenups are all the same. People want to be sure their future is secure and protected. A test, the bag, and prenp all offer peace of mind while unfortunitly indicating that you don't fully trust your partners character. I guess if people were trustworthy no one would fall victim to gold digging, abusive, cheaters. I guess if one is valid they're all valid. If someone can be betrayed by their partner, we all can be betrayed by our partner, none of us are special.
I can say from personal experience that a prenup can also be used to psychologically and financially abuse someone. It’s why I have a go bag and didn’t force my current husband to sign a prenup.
Load More Replies... This world is not nice to woman. Even with a good man on her side there will be times she needs to have a go bag. It's not just abusive partner, it's hospital emergencies, kid emergency. I also think men need a go bag. Everyone needs that sense of its ok if I need to go
If this guy is going straight to divorce for finding this bag, then she was right to keep on ready. I usually tell my nieces and gal pals to keep a Plan B account. Keep a savings account with only your name and keep socking away money in case you need a Plan B. If he turns out to be an abuser, if he cheats, if he's arrested, if he throws a fit for having a bag of clothes then you have money to go to a hotel or move out and start the divorce process. All women should have a safety net of some sort. I've been married 18 years and I still have an account with a little money in it.
My mother dated her abuser for two years. He hid his true personality well. It wasn't until after he had trapped her in a marriage and moved her away from her support system that she saw his true colors. He took her dream of being a SAHM and used it to convince her to quit her job and then rely on him for everything. He watched every penny she spent. It wasn't until right before she died of cancer that she told me of her stash of money hidden in a closet that she had been taking dollar for dollar from her grocery allowance to save up enough to leave him. The most important lesson I learned from those two years of h-ll was to always have my own money. So I work and I have a separate checking account from my husband. And he's fine with it. Because he knows my past history and that this is non-negotiable for me. Even though my husband would never in a million years use money to abuse and control me, he is not threatened by my need for this.
A go bag for anyone, not just women carries the same basic principle for having condoms. You would much rather have one and not need it, than to need one but not have it.
Yikes this guy needs major counseling. My question is, does she have toddler clothes in there? If not then thats a bit rude....
Babies outgrow diapers and clothes SO quick it would be a fools errand to put diapers and clothes in the bag, she would just grab diapers and clothes quick from the kids bedroom and add it to the bag and then go
Load More Replies... I definitely wouldn't jump straight to divorce in such a situation... but I'd still feel insulted. They should get some counseling before doing anything drastic.
Feeling insulted/betrayed is a normal reaction.... What bothers me is what followed...
Load More Replies... If she has a history of abuse, I would be able to move past this. If she doesn't, the lack of trust would be a big ussue. Not big enough for divorce though. Him jumping straight to that conclusion might mean he doesn't trust her much either. Counseling would be the way to go.
My question, and it's a HUGE question for me, and would be the reason that I would freak out if I found that bag is: "why aren't there any diapers?". He mentions tampons and clothes for her, but nothing for the toddler. Is the woman getting ready to leave her two year old baby in whatever situation he finds to be dangerous? I understand her concerns, but if she believes that here is a non-negligible chance that her husband will start being abusive isn't she worried about him being abusive to their toddler?
its one thing to have had it before the relationship. its another thing to let your partner know you have it. if she didnt have it before, never told him about, the relationship is solid and then the guy finds out she has that s**t ? i can only imagine the whirlwind of thoughts and questions and emotions going through that guy's brain. and then hearing its a "go bag" in case of abuse? its like she is telling him "you WILL abuse me". who wouldnt be disapointed and hurt ? flip the genders. how many women would be hurt at finding out something like this, in this manner? f*****g put yourself in the other person's shoes. comunicate. if she didnt want to tell him and be upfront about the bag its because she knew it would cause a problem. she could have avoided all of that.
Nothing like smell of crucifixion in the morning. Most of the comments are painting him an abuser, a seriously bad guy and wondering what kind of abuse she has gone through but not thinking that extreme reaction from him might be a sign of past abuse. My GUESS is he has fear of getting abandoned which leads to this situation where he might feel that there's no future in the relationship where she isn't trusting her and possibly need to bail out before it actually happens. Whatever it is about in that kind of situation I'd definitely wouldn't post my situation to ask advice or confirmation to my feelings in Reddit or especially not in BP because the community is savage af and will tear you apart. He should really take time to talk to her and get couples counseling and therapy. Or if you really want to get suicidal ask BP community their opinion about you and you get a whole new personality of a serial killer that you didn't know about.
I'm going to be minority here and say that he's not wrong to feel that way. If you are comfortable bringing multiple children into the world with someone, you should trust them. And if you DON'T, then you need to not be having children with them cause that's screwed up, IMO.
Absolutely, if you think you might need a go bag in the future, get you and your child out now before you have to literally flee. If he's possibly that much of a danger, don't have kids, but I'd you do, that should be more motivation to get out early.
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