“This Is Women’s Experience Of Men”: Guy Shares Why It’s “All Men”
Interview
Many women see all guys as potential threats. And whether a guy knows that he’s ‘nice’ and ‘harmless’ isn’t the point—others around him only see a stranger who may be dangerous. Therapist, coach, and leadership trainer Neil Poynter, from the United Kingdom, has recently gone viral for his candid talk on TikTok that tackles this very issue.
In a nearly six-minute-long clip, the therapist tackled the sensitive topic and pointed out that the idea of “not all men” doesn’t work. “It is ‘all men,’” he said, urging guys to change their behavior and take more responsibility for their actions. You’ll find his full video as you scroll down.
Bored Panda reached out to Poynter who shared his thoughts on why men get so defensive when they’re called out, and what they can do to change their behavior, from enforcing boundaries to holding other guys responsible. Read on for the full interview.
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Many men are unaware that women see them as threats. Therapist Neil Poynter went viral on TikTok after taking an honest look at this question
Image credits: Pressmaster (not the actual photo)
“I’m probably going to catch some heat for this one because you know what? It is ‘all men'”
Image credits: neil_poynter
“And I can immediately hear loads of people go, “It’s not all men,” and it’s going to be the guys going, ‘It’s not all men,’ maybe a few women because some have said it to me.”
“What I’m going to say is really important because it is, to 90% of women, potentially all men”
Image credits: neil_poynter
“Now, I only got this about 10 or 12 years ago, and there was a specific incident in the UK. I think it involved a UK politician. I can’t remember the details now. But I remember having conversations with my girlfriend at the time. And because I listened to her experience of life, I suddenly realized that just because I know I’m a nice guy, that woman in the lift that I get, or elevator that I get into where she’s on her own, and we’re both in there together – she does not know that I am a nice guy, that I am not going to attack her, that I am not going to r*pe her. Okay, yeah, I used that word.”
“I understand the temptation, I’m single, I’m still relatively healthy, and I get attracted to women”
Image credits: neil_poynter
“And I remember an incident not very long ago, and I was in a hotel overnight. So let’s just put the scenario. So hotel, overnight, strangers, lift door, or elevator door opens. I’m going to step in, and there is an absolutely stunning woman in the elevator already. Stunning. Every instinct in me is to try and converse with her, attract her, do something. No.”
“I acknowledged her, I turned, and I faced down, put my head down, and looked into the opposite corner of the elevator”
Image credits: neil_poynter
“I stood as far away as I could from her and looked down into the corner of the elevator, because right there and then, I was a potential threat. Now, I don’t know that she was thinking that. But I know enough now and understand. I’ve heard it enough from women to know that there’s a 90% chance that she would have slightly gone on edge, the moment I got into that elevator.”
“The best, the most human, the most caring, supportive thing I can do at that moment is to reduce the threat”
Image credits: neil_poynter
“I didn’t understand until I spoke to my girlfriend about carrying keys in your hand when you’re walking down the street on your own at night when you’ve come back from work. The fact that a guy walking towards you – or potentially even worse, you can hear the footsteps behind you.”
“You don’t know who it is, you don’t know whether he’s a good guy or a bad guy”
Image credits: neil_poynter
“I don’t care about your bravado or your machismo or any of that bollocks. If we are going to treat 52% or 51% of the population of the world fairly and equally, we have to respect their experience. And this is women’s experience of men. There are enough of us who are dangerous, who attack, who, even when – let’s say I’d spoken to that woman in the lift, an elevator, and I’d said something very nice and polite, and she’s responded nice and politely. How do I know she’s not doing it just to be nice to calm me down? Because if she says something nasty or aggressive like ‘Please don’t talk to me,’ maybe I’ll attack her.”
“This is what I mean about it is all men. All men are the potential threat. And we need to understand that, guys. We really need to get a hold of this”
Image credits: neil_poynter
“We also need to realize that how we behave in groups can be very intimidating. And we need to make sure that our buddies are getting the message as well, and this is the hard bit, but guys, we need to get the message out there. How we treat women reflects on us, and if we want them to stop saying ‘all men,’ we need to make sure that we try and rule this out to such an extent that, actually, women learn that it isn’t all men and that they’re okay and that they feel safe.”
“I’m physically stronger, I’m bigger. She was about five foot five. I’m six foot. Guys, we need to learn this. We are the threat”
Image credits: neil_poynter
“Standing away from them in elevators, not going and sitting behind them or next to them on the train when there’s only us in the carriage with them. It’s crossing the road when you’re walking behind them, or you see a woman walking towards you down the street at night, cross the road, get out of their way, and demonstrate you are not a threat. But we have to take this on board, guys. Because until we do, it is ‘all men.'”
“That’s what this is about, guys. We’ve got to make women feel safe”
Image credits: neil_poynter
The therapist’s video was watched over 1.4 million times. You can watch it in full right over here
@neil_poynter Guys, this is on us. We need to learn. #notallmen #allmen ♬ original sound – Neil
Many women in the United Kingdom feel unsafe, even in public
The reality is that men attack and harass women on a massive scale in the United Kingdom. According to a 2021 report released by UN Women United Kingdom, 97% of 18 to 24-year-old women shared that they have been harassed.
Meanwhile, over 70% of all women in the UK say that they’ve experienced sexual harassment in public. These numbers are shocking and they perfectly explain why many women feel unsafe around men.
The issue goes beyond the UK, however. It’s global. The UN found that nearly 9 in 10 women in some cities around the world feel unsafe in public spaces. Meanwhile, 45% of women said that they didn’t believe that reporting incidents of harassment would change anything.
In the meantime, RCEW has revealed that 1 in 4 women have been raped or sexually assaulted as an adult in England and Wales, with a total of 6.54 million women having been abused in total. The organization also reports that 1 in 6 children have been sexually abused.
The BBC, referring to the data from the Office for National Statistics, reports that 177 women were killed in England in Wales between April 2020 and March 2021. In 109 of these cases, the perpetrators were men, 10 were women, and 58 had no known suspect.
Image credits: Pixabay (not the actual photo)
“We need to start listening to and believing women’s stories”
Poynter, the creator of the video, shared his thoughts with us about what the response has been like to the original clip. “With nearly 220,000 likes, over 8,000 comments, and reposted something like 13,000 times, it has certainly touched a raw nerve,” he said.
“What I’m very aware of is the majority of comments are women saying this is the truth for them, and exactly how they feel. It’s been quite humbling and harrowing to read some of the stories. What really hits home though is the women saying this is routine. That they live with this fear and anxiety every day of their lives,” Poynter told Bored Panda via email.
We wanted to get the therapist’s thoughts on why some men might get extremely defensive when they’re asked to change their behavior so that they seem less threatening. “Being confronted with something that is uncomfortable and difficult tends to produce a defensive response. I think this subject challenges a lot of men who think they are doing the right things but aren’t aware of the potential impact of just their presence,” he explained.
“I also see a resistance in some men to being prepared to listen to women and the truth of their stories. Some men telling women on the thread that they are wrong, when the women are telling them their lived experience. We need to start listening to and believing women’s stories.”
According to Poynter, the answer to putting a stop to the sexual harassment crisis is a threefold approach, starting with boundaries, showing respect, and holding other men accountable.
“Firstly, men have to realize that some of the things they do are harassment, and make women feel incredibly uncomfortable. One commenter said that there is a dating coach who is saying men should assert themselves and ask women to remove their headphones! That is going to feel so threatening to a woman. She is probably wearing them to protect her privacy and sending a signal to tell people to stay away,” Poynter said.
“These behaviors start with catcalling, staring inappropriately, and not realizing that women don’t want to be approached on the train, in the underground/subway station, or while just going about their routine business. We need to learn boundaries.”
Next, Poynter noted that men should be respectful. “Women are also afraid of what may happen if they say no, or turn a man down. There are horrific stories of women being verbally abused, hit, or worse for turning a man down. Women are allowed to say no! Be respectful!”
Lastly, men need to start holding each other accountable for inappropriate behaviors. “We need to raise our sons to respect boundaries and behave appropriately,” he urged.
“I genuinely think, that like myself 10 years ago, a lot of men do not know this is an issue. They don’t know about women carrying keys in their hands when they walk down the street, or feeling they can’t go for a run in the dark,” Poynter told Bored Panda. “We need to get this message out there. Women are nervous and scared. We need to do something about this. That starts with listening to women and believing them.”
Image credits:Cameron Casey (not the actual photo)
Men need to become more aware of how their behavior can seem threatening
The therapist’s TikTok clip made a massive splash on the platform. At the time of writing, Poynter’s video had been viewed 1.4 million times. Many internet users were thankful to him for tackling the issue in a very direct, no-nonsense way.
The video creator urged all men to change their attitudes and behavior around women. For instance, he suggested that men do what they can to seem less threatening, wherever they might be—whether that’s in the elevator or on the street.
That might mean standing as far away from a woman in an elevator as possible. Or crossing the street at night so that you’re not scaring anyone. “Demonstrate you are not a threat,” Poynter urged.
Typically, the words ‘not all men are like that’ are used by some men’s rights advocates as a way to respond to discussions about the prevalence of sexual abuse and misogyny. These activists believe that it is not fair to blame their entire gender for the actions of a few. It’s this argument that Poynter dismantles in his video.
The therapist pointed out that when a woman sees a man coming toward her or moving up behind her, she doesn’t know whether he’s “a good guy or a bad guy,” he’s simply a potential threat to her.
After the clip went viral, the therapist also filmed two follow-up videos where he went into detail about what exactly could be done about the problem. Meanwhile, he further addressed the issue and spoke about the virality of his original clip in another recent video.
Image credits: Alex Fu (not the actual photo)
Parents have to take the time to warn their children about the possible dangers they might encounter
Speaking about sexual harassment and other dangers with your children can be an incredibly tough topic to broach, however, it’s a necessary one.
“Most parents know they need to talk to their kids about puberty before it happens, but few take the time to talk to their kids about harassment, even though almost half will be harassed by older men by the time they turn 12. We need to equip young people with resources including: what harassment is, what it looks like, how prevalent it is, why it isn’t ok—and most importantly, that it’s never their fault,” Emily May, the Co-Founder and Executive Director at ‘Hollaback! (now ‘Right To Be’), explained to Bored Panda during a previous interview.
She pointed out that most young women blame themselves for being victims of harassment. They also hesitate to talk about what happened with their family because they’re scared that they’ll blame them, too.
“In the same way we tell our teenage kids that if they get drunk and don’t feel safe driving home we will pick them up from wherever they are, no questions asked—we also need to tell our kids that if someone harasses them we will never, ever blame them for it or punish them for it. This is important for creating a safe space so that they have a trusted adult they can process these experiences with,” the expert told us earlier.
According to May, a strong community can help build a sense of safety. “Take the time to get to know the good folks in your neighborhood and build positive relationships with not just your neighbors, but the people who deliver the mail, the trash folks, the guy that mows your neighbor’s lawn, etc. The more people you know, the more people will have your back if something happens again. Knowing this can increase your sense of safety and belonging in your community.”
Image credits: August de Richelieu (not the actual photo)
Many TikTok users were grateful to Poynter for shedding some light on the important issue
While I'm happy to see a man calling men out for their behavior, it pisses me off immeasurably that it isn't until a man says what women have been saying since time immemorial that men bother to listen.
Some of us already know this info, because we listen to women. The men who really NEED to hear this will only listen to men. Society needs to change.
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More than half of women who are murdered in my province are murdered by a current or past romantic partner. Almost all stranger type murders here are men killing a woman. Men are literally the most dangerous thing to women. It is not irrational to be fearful. I wish he'd have said 'it's not all men, but its all men's job to combat this and do what we can to make women feel - and be - safer
While he *did* say that not all men are a danger, must EVERYONE interrupt what they’re doing to clarify that”I don’t mean every single one on the planet”? You *really* can’t work that out in your own? So when someone says “Men are scary,” you assume they mean every single one, even though they didn’t say “Every single one”? You’ve got some learning to do, kiddo.
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I don't post this for a pat on the back but to hopefully open other men's eyes. If I am walking down the street and a woman is walking towards me alone, I often cross the street so she can feel safe. If I'm in an elevator alone with a woman, I will also stand as far away as possible from her. My neighborhood is safe but has a few dark streets and if I'm out walking my dog after dark and see a woman walking her dog, I will cross the street or turn or just go down another street. There are tiny things men can do to help women feel safer. As men, we don't fear the world when we walk out the door, but women often do. They know we all aren't bad, but it's not like we all wear signs that say we're a good guy or a bad guy. I just tell other men, pretend the woman in question is a woman who is important in your life. Make her feel safe. It's that simple. And if you are a man who wants to argue this topic, you're probably one of the bad ones.
While I'm happy to see a man calling men out for their behavior, it pisses me off immeasurably that it isn't until a man says what women have been saying since time immemorial that men bother to listen.
Some of us already know this info, because we listen to women. The men who really NEED to hear this will only listen to men. Society needs to change.
Load More Replies... More than half of women who are murdered in my province are murdered by a current or past romantic partner. Almost all stranger type murders here are men killing a woman. Men are literally the most dangerous thing to women. It is not irrational to be fearful. I wish he'd have said 'it's not all men, but its all men's job to combat this and do what we can to make women feel - and be - safer
While he *did* say that not all men are a danger, must EVERYONE interrupt what they’re doing to clarify that”I don’t mean every single one on the planet”? You *really* can’t work that out in your own? So when someone says “Men are scary,” you assume they mean every single one, even though they didn’t say “Every single one”? You’ve got some learning to do, kiddo.
Load More Replies... I don't post this for a pat on the back but to hopefully open other men's eyes. If I am walking down the street and a woman is walking towards me alone, I often cross the street so she can feel safe. If I'm in an elevator alone with a woman, I will also stand as far away as possible from her. My neighborhood is safe but has a few dark streets and if I'm out walking my dog after dark and see a woman walking her dog, I will cross the street or turn or just go down another street. There are tiny things men can do to help women feel safer. As men, we don't fear the world when we walk out the door, but women often do. They know we all aren't bad, but it's not like we all wear signs that say we're a good guy or a bad guy. I just tell other men, pretend the woman in question is a woman who is important in your life. Make her feel safe. It's that simple. And if you are a man who wants to argue this topic, you're probably one of the bad ones.
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