“Am I The Jerk For Wanting To Go Somewhere While My Wife Is Almost Due?”
Pregnancy is a time of huge excitement and anxiety, so it’s a good idea to not only join expecting moms at their doctor’s appointments but also be around to talk about feelings—it helps to deal with the emotions. And the best person to provide support is their partner. The person they will be raising the kid with.
And Reddit user Visible_Letter understood this. He was there for his pregnant wife every step of the way. But as her due date approached, the man learned that his grandfather fell ill and was about to die. His initial instinct told him to book a flight and go say his goodbyes, but the man’s wife wanted him to stay.
This man got the sad news that his grandpa — who he had always been incredibly close to — was probably going to die soon
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio (not the actual photo)
However, his pregnant wife wasn’t happy that he was planning to go see gramps when she was so close to her due date
Image credits: Amina Filkins (not the actual photo)
Eventually, the couple managed to work out a compromise
And the man got to see his grandpa
A study published in the Journal of Women’s Health discovered that women who did not receive partner support during pregnancy reported higher levels of anxiety and depression and were more likely to smoke. Because of this, the researchers concluded that having a partner who is supportive could be fundamental to the health of not only pregnant women but also to their growing fetuses.
Similarly, another study that appeared in the Journal of Maternal-Fetal & Neonatal Medicine analyzed the impact partner emotional and financial support had on mothers during pregnancy, and determined that having someone who can provide both “significantly correlated” with decreased stress levels among mothers.
The researchers pointed out that the mental health of moms has a direct impact on the health of the expectant baby. “Stress perceived by mothers during pregnancy can lead to adverse pregnancy outcomes threatening mother and child’s physical and mental health,” the people who conducted the study explained.
Talya Stone, a former public relations specialist turned blogger and the woman behind online journals Motherhood: The Real Deal and 40 Now What, who shares bold and authentic takes on a variety of topics including parenting and emotional well-being, and has also published a comprehensive piece about supporting women in pregnancy, told Bored Panda that when she was pregnant, she too felt incredibly emotional and vulnerable. “[This is] completely normal. You can feel very irrational and exposed when you’re pregnant, which is mainly to do with the changes in hormone levels but also just because having a baby is a big deal — especially the first time round — and I remember how the tiniest of things would set me off,” Stone explained. “I used to get incredibly anxious, and my partner would have to talk me down from that on countless occasions, so yes, emotional support was very important to me when I was pregnant, even though I may not have realized it at the time.”
Stone said that when a woman reaches the last couple of weeks of her pregnancy, she can be a hot mess. “Most of us are absolutely done with being pregnant by this point. We feel bit hot, sweaty, exhausted and angsty about what is around the corner,” she explained. “We just want the baby to be out now, even though it’s still got some baking to do. We are physically uncomfortable, sick of people touching our bump, talking to us about pregnancy, giving us unsolicited advice, and basically, just want to explode! Then we feel guilty for not enjoying the last couple of weeks of pregnancy, so yeah – there is a lot going on!”
However, not all couples manage to stay connected when they’re getting ready to welcome a baby. “The focus is so much on practical needs,” said Pam Pilkington, a perinatal psychologist who practices at the Centre for Perinatal Psychology in Melbourne, Australia, and founder of Partners to Parents, a resource site developed by a team of researchers and psychologists at Australian Catholic University to provide guidance for partners. “During pregnancy, people perhaps don’t focus on the couple relationship, or supporting each other emotionally as much as they could.”
In practical terms, this means having open talks about how you’re both feeling — anxious, excited, uncertain, whatever it is, Dr. Pilkington said — then validating each other, making sure you both feel heard and accepted. For example: after a month at home, a new mother might say, “I feel trapped here all day while you’re at work.” The supportive, validating answer here is not, “I need to work so we can pay the bills. Why don’t you get your mother to come help?” but rather, “I’m sorry that you’re feeling pinned in place. It sounds like you’re missing seeing your friends at the office.”
However, the case of Visible_Letter was force majeure. Saying goodbye and expressing thanks for the positive ways in which a dying person has touched your life is a way of letting them know of their lasting significance to you. It contributes to the person’s sense of dignity and makes the end of their life easier.
But while I think it’s impossible that we all can agree on the “correct” course of action in such a scenario, it’s very nice to know that the man and his wife were able to come up with a compromise that allowed them both to get what their hearts desired.
Talya Stone said that “pregnancy can be a massive rollercoaster, and if it’s a first-time pregnancy, a major unknown.”
“The transition to parenthood is like no other, and all those pregnant moms-to-be can seem totally irrational and awkward, they need all the support we can get. Having said that, I’ve been on both sides of the coin on this story – having to race to a loved one’s death bed, and then an emotional and vulnerable pregnant lady – so I totally empathize with both viewpoints.”
That being said, she thinks the guy wasn’t being unreasonable. “I know that you never get that time to say goodbye again, so if it was me, I would probably try to dig very deep and let my husband go and say goodbye as I wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt otherwise.”
People had very mixed reactions to the situation and couldn’t decide if the man was right (NTA) or wrong (YTA)
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I was in a similar situation 25 years ago. My mother died suddenly. I live on the other side of the world. My wife was 9 months pregnant. I made the decision not to go. My mother was dead, there was nothing more I could do for her. I could, however, be there for my wife. This is a different situation, in that at least the OP could say goodbye.
As someone who is a mother and raised partly by her grandparents, NTA. If her pregnancy is a smooth one and not high risk, you can only say goodbye once. My husband just lost his grandmother and I pulled all of my savings to make sure we could get out there together. But I was fully prepared to not go to make sure he went. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices. For the person that said wife would be alone, no she wouldn't I'm sure she has family and friends that could be there. Yes it would suck but at the end of the day the baby won't know and you will be there for your child forever. Grandpa will be gone. Now if she had a complicated pregnancy I could see. But I think saying goodbye is far more important than an initial hello.
I think their compromise was the best solution. He has a chance to say goodbye while his grandfather is still aware, yet won't miss supporting his wife during the birth of their daughter. I also love that OP's wife suggested that granddad choose the baby's name. Sounds like a relationship that will last, imo.
I was in a similar situation 25 years ago. My mother died suddenly. I live on the other side of the world. My wife was 9 months pregnant. I made the decision not to go. My mother was dead, there was nothing more I could do for her. I could, however, be there for my wife. This is a different situation, in that at least the OP could say goodbye.
As someone who is a mother and raised partly by her grandparents, NTA. If her pregnancy is a smooth one and not high risk, you can only say goodbye once. My husband just lost his grandmother and I pulled all of my savings to make sure we could get out there together. But I was fully prepared to not go to make sure he went. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices. For the person that said wife would be alone, no she wouldn't I'm sure she has family and friends that could be there. Yes it would suck but at the end of the day the baby won't know and you will be there for your child forever. Grandpa will be gone. Now if she had a complicated pregnancy I could see. But I think saying goodbye is far more important than an initial hello.
I think their compromise was the best solution. He has a chance to say goodbye while his grandfather is still aware, yet won't miss supporting his wife during the birth of their daughter. I also love that OP's wife suggested that granddad choose the baby's name. Sounds like a relationship that will last, imo.
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