Husband Turns Off His Phone Because His Wife Keeps Calling Him During His Tech-Free Weekend, Misses An Emergency
As an adult, it can be difficult to balance your friendships and relationship with your significant other. On the one hand, you want to spend quality time with the people you trust and who you’ve known for ages. On the other hand, you also want to ensure that you’re spending quality time with your partner. No matter your relationship—whether platonic or romantic—healthy boundaries are essential. The only question is what these boundaries actually look like.
Redditor u/Remarkable-Use-8439 made a big splash on the Front Page of the Internet after sharing a story about how his tech-free weekend went wrong. He asked the AITA online community’s opinion on whether he was wrong to turn off his phone to avoid his wife’s “unnecessary contact attempts,” only to miss an actual emergency later on. Scroll down for the redditor’s story in his own words, and to find out how the internet reacted to the situation. Many Reddit users had very strong opinions about the story.
Bored Panda has reached out to u/Remarkable-Use-8439 via Reddit, and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from him.
Trust, honesty, and boundaries form the foundation of healthy and happy relationships
Image credits: bernardbodo (not the actual photo)
A man shared how upset his wife got after he turned off his phone during a tech-free weekend with his best friend. He missed a family emergency
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages (not the actual photo)
The author of the story later posted a couple of updates
ADVERTISEMENT
Image credits: Remarkable-Use-8439
At its core, the story is about trust, communication, and the couple trying to figure out each other’s boundaries, in terms of privacy. The redditor shared how he had a long-running annual tradition to have a tech-free weekend with one of his closest friends. This was something that his wife seemed to be all right with before.
However, this year, everything changed. The author of the post recounts how his significant other suddenly started checking in on him during the trip through texts and, later, calls. According to the OP, this was a 180-degree change in her behavior.
He ended up muting the message chains and then turned off his phone so that his tech-free weekend would be exactly that: tech-free. When he got back home on Monday, he was in for a nasty surprise. It turns out that during the time that his phone was off, there was an actual emergency in the family.
His wife’s sister had gotten into a car crash. The redditor’s wife felt like her husband had ignored her when she needed him the most. This dramatic situation was what got the redditor to share what happened with the AITA community in the first place. His story got a lot of attention, netting over 16.4k upvotes.
Overall, the vast majority of redditors were sympathetic and supportive of the OP. However, many others wondered what exactly the nature of his relationship with his friends was. Whether it was, in fact, purely platonic. There was an intense discussion about what friendships can look like, and how boundaries can seem blurred when viewed from the outside. Some redditors even changed their minds, as the OP revealed more information about what happened.
There is a vast difference between privacy and secrecy. Transparency and trust form the bedrock of any romantic relationship. However, at the same time, it’s vital that people remember that their partners aren’t just their partners—they’re individuals with hopes, dreams, ambitions, hobbies, friends, and (sometimes) a need to be alone. It’s healthy to have some privacy, and not every single aspect of your life has to be something that’s shared with your partner.
Essentially, one thing that you should ask yourself is whether the information that you’re withholding would directly impact your partner. If it would, then you should opt for transparency. Try to imagine yourself in their shoes and think about things from their perspective.
However, you have the option of keeping things to yourself if what you’re doing doesn’t impact your partner. Generally speaking, if you’re feeling a sense of shame or guilt, then the odds are that what you’re doing is secretive, not private. Restoring trust, if broken, takes time and consistency. Smaller offenses take less time, larger ones take far longer to get over. In some cases, reaching out to a therapist or a couple’s counselor might help move them forward.
Initially, many people started saying that the man did nothing wrong, until he shared some more information
The husband revealed some more details in the comments of his post. Some readers later changed their opinions
Reactions to the man’s post were mixed. Some internet users thought that he was definitely in the wrong
Meanwhile, others believed that pretty much everyone was to blame in this particular case
Anyone can write on Bored Panda. Start writing!
Follow Bored Panda on Google News!
Follow us on Flipboard.com/@boredpanda!
Storytelling, journalism, and art are a core part of who I am. I've been writing and drawing ever since I could walk—there is nothing else I'd rather do. My formal education, however, is focused on politics, philosophy, and economics because I've always been curious about the gap between the ideal and the real.
At work, I'm a Senior Writer and I cover a broad range of topics that I'm passionate about: from psychology and changes in work culture to healthy living, relationships, and design.
In my spare time, I'm an avid hiker and reader, enjoy writing short stories, and love to doodle.
I thrive when I'm outdoors, going on small adventures in nature...
I'm the Visual Editor at Bored Panda, responsible for ensuring that everything our audience sees is top-notch and well-researched. What I love most about my job? Discovering new things about the world and immersing myself in exceptional photography and art.
Read more »
Why are the people of this subreddit so obsessed with trying to uncover an assumed gay affair here that probably doesn't even exist? I find it pretty weird ... I've also shared a bed with my best friend for a month when we were doing a little travel together, and nobody ever called us lesbians because of that.
Intimate doesn't mean sexual! And the OP SAID that the accusations were making him uncomfortable. They're best friends, goddammit. Quit it with the conspiracy theories and focus on the actual problem. If the roles were switched, husband would be TA. So the wife is TA here.
Load More Replies...
They're telling him "You're married, change your life and routine to fix it". If the genders were reversed and the OP was the wife, they'd be telling her "Get out of the marriage".
I really wish you weren't right about that. It's like everyone online tries to expand upon limited details to prove their own presumed believe, just to then tell the person that they're either messed up, or need to leave the relationship, most often the latter.
When people are convinced that men and women can't be platonic friends, or that close friend relationships are inherently sexual, I always assume that it's their projection of the fact that they personally couldn't keep it in their pants. Some of us are perfectly capable of not being sexual with every person we're close to. I'm bi/pan sexual and yet strangely I'm faithful to my husband.
It is hilarious to me that people don’t think bisexuals can’t be faithful. Heterosexual women resist men other than their husbands, so why is it so different that you resist men and women? You are totally right about friendships, too. I have platonic male friends, and people are always looking for the sex in those relationships. I let them think what they want; my husband knows the truth and he’s the only one who matters.
I have platonic friends of the opposite sex as well, however, I've never shared a bed with them nor gone off grid with them for days leaving my Husband at home.
We bi's always get accused of cheating wh*res when in reality, every bisexual I know, including myself AND my husband are insanely faithful to their partners. In this case of this guy though, people threw those accusations at him because just the idea of two men having a strong enough friendship they shared a small space together without banging, can't possibly be real. Total insecurities with half these people.
I always said if someone chooses to be with me, it doesn't matter who else they're attracted to. Bisexual people have a greater range of potential partners so I would see their choosing me as twice the compliment!
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
No your not. Your a crazy. Pan ? Really?
No idea. Someone posts something and they just *have* to tear it apart, look for hidden meanings, etc. The wife kept bugging him after he explicitely told her he didn't want extended contact, so he turned the phone off. There's nothing wrong with that. And people can be friends without cheating, geez. There's a comment there that says OP said they hooked up - they didn't. He said they didn't but people are shoving their own conclusions based on their lives onto his. All you can do is take what he said at face value because that's the info you were given.
His post had an update. If you clicked on and read it he’s divorcing his wife because he is gay. He was brought up in a strict religious home and when he had to move back parents made him find a girl and get married so he would grow up and be normal. He is now with his friend as his life partner. He fought all his natural inclinations because of the homophobic family he was raised in. He also went very low contact with them.
My straight male best friend shares a bed with his straight male roommate because of money issues. They get called gay, constantly (both have girlfriends and have never once expressed sexual interest in other males). Meanwhile, I, a lesbian with a live-in girlfriend, has to tell people multiple times that we’re a couple. My girlfriend is constantly hit on by guys when out with me (she’s the looker lol), and says “Sorry, this is my girlfriend.” and the guys assume it’s platonic anyway. People tend to assume women can’t be romantically and/or sexually involved, most likely because of the false idea that “it’s not sex without a penis.”
This. Also people some men can't have a strong bond without it being sexual. People place sexual intimacy where it needn't be. I watched a documentary recently where a man held his best friend while his best friend was dying, and kissed his friend on the forehead as a goodbye. It was heartbreaking, and the two, clearly, were very close. I see it more like my two male cats that are bonded; completely inseparable. Not everything is about sex, nor subterfuge, but some people insist on making it that way.
Yeah, this and the ‚you can’t spend an entire weekend away with someone else if you’re married’ seem really messed up to me.
My parents took vacations together but my mom also took vacations with friends and her sisters. My dad was fine with it because he preferred hanging out at home. My mom had interests that my dad didn't have. The few times that my dad traveled without her, she was fine. Back then there WERE NO CELL PHONES! They've been married a looooong time. (53 yrs). It's important to do things together but also to keep your own identity and your own friends/interests.
My spouse never spent a night apart until we had our first child, after 8 years of marriage. It was something we actively avoided and continue to avoid.
Why though? My parents have been married more than 50 years and I think trusting eachother enough to make no big deal out of spending a few days apart occasionally is a big part of why their marriage is still strong as ever.
We've been married 35 years but together for 44 years in total. We don't go on holidays separately because, and this is obviously strange to some people, we went to be together. We want to experience things together. We meet friends separately for lunch but we wouldn't go out for a 'proper' meal without each other. It's just not the way we do things. The only time we've been apart overnight is when he has to go away for courses for work and we'd speak on the phone morning and evening Or when I was in hospital for cancer surgery but even then he visited every day, at least once. We trust each other, we just don't have any desire to spend time apart like that. My parents were married 65 years and never went away without each other either
Every couple does what makes them strongest. Not everyone is going to be like you and your spouse. I've spent nights away from my husband, he's spnt nights away from me. Not AL of them where by choice. In fact the very night I found out I was pregnant with our first child, we couldn't be together because work kept him away. It hasn't changed anything but made us stronger in trusting one another.
While I agree with the premise of your comment, there IS quite the difference in sharing a bed with your BF for a month while traveling....and sharing a bed for 6 years while not being "completely platonic". Big difference. I am not "obsessed" with trying to find any type of affair...but YES, when an adult throws out that they slept in the same bed with their friend for more than half a decade (do you not think they could have afforded another bed in the SIX years they lived together? really?)...it may rightly raise a couple of eyebrows...lets not act like that suspicion is coming out of the blue!!
He commented they lived in "close quarters" - some areas have very tiny apartments and if sleeping together didn't bother them and there was no room for another bed I could see this as an explanation.
Hey, it could have been as much as just a kiss or making out...that doesn't justify people in the subreddit calling him essentially a liar and saying he's withholding information. People on hat subreddit want to jump to the most massive conclusions that only fit their agenda.(in no way am I saying you're doing that)
To me, it was ambiguous if he meant once or twice, or the whole time. I assumed the former, though I’m not sure why. If it was the whole 6 years…
Afforded another bed and placed it where? If this was a 1 bedroom apartment, the options were limited. Not saying that sharing beds with another dude is super common in the west, but if they say nothing happened then nothing happened.
I agree with the bed thing. I find it odd that they never just got two twin beds, or a bunk bed. Would take up way less space and give each person their own bed. And also, I think a lot of the issue is that he used the "not completely platonic" thing, like either he doesn't actually know what platonic means, or he's implying that there was more going on, even if nothing physical happened. Or maybe they spooned a lot and he felt that meant more than platonic, but less than sexual. Who knows?
Or maybe let’s, considering that’s the facts we have. It’s interesting how this specific situation has lead to such massive leaps of assumption - why didn’t this woman have a problem with these trips until they were married, if it’s not out of the blue? She didn’t mind him “cheating” as long as there was no ring on her finger? No, I think we’ll have to assume the suspicion actually did come out of the blue, considering that’s the situation described.
I would sleep with my sister in hotel rooms, doesnt make it incest. People like to jump the boat while its still a mile out at sea and end up swimming the wrong direction.
Has more to do with his evasive language. It wasn't "explicitly sexual" he is constantly going over alone to his house and never brings him to their house because 'the house has to be spotless', he is willing to abandon his wife at family dinners and such to take the Best friend's calls and more than likely runs off if there is a problem, but flat out said if she had reached him he wouldn't have come home, even though her sister could have died. Just because she DIDN'T doesn't mean hearing that news was any less emotionally devistating for his wife. But again Best Friend trumps wife. My first husband got handed his walking papers when my 18 year old nephew was killed in a car accident and his response was "I didn't know him well enough." When he treated my breakdown like one treats a dirty diaper. When I told him we were over, he threw his wedding ring at my head and told everyone I was cheating with my best friends because they cared and they stood by me even at the funeral.
Everyone needs to read his latest additions to the post. He deliberately omitted a LOT of information about his history with this "friend". If your spouse disappeared once a year for a long weekend with someone they used to share a bed with...that would make most people uneasy.
Imo it becuse there is a LOT of gray area here and OP doesnt clarify. Sharing a bed sometimes is necessary and means 2 people sleeping separately on one mattress. Is there skin to skin contact? Nightclothes for both people? Intimate spooning? Nuzzling? Whispers of sweet nothings with eye to eye contact and touching foreheads? A good amount of that is what comes to mind when he says that a lot of people wouldnt consider it plutonic but he wouldnt consider anything sexual happened.
For me personally I find it very weird that a freaking 17 year old is friends with a 21 year old. 4 years is very big when its like this. The friend can drink while Op cant even vote. That is what seems sus to me.
Do all friends drink? A friendship that can only be sustained by alcohol is not a good sign. My current best friend was my sister's friend first and when she came home to visit we found out she had more in common with me than my sister... she's about 3 years older...I was 15 to her 18... Maturity has very little to do with age and a lot to do with the individual.
I was just using that as an example I am not saying that all they are is beer buddies. I was just saying that it's weird that an adult is friends with someone who is still a kid. 4 years is a big gap when you put something like that into perspective.
No it isn't, and 17 isn't a "kid" anymore than 21 is an adult. I don't think you can even rent a car at 21, and for good reason. They were both essentially teenagers, they both probably drank and smoked weed, and probably enjoyed the same entertainment. As for voting, no one has ever asked me to come vote with them as an activity.
15 to 18 and especially as she was already a family friend is totally different. When you're 21 you are an adult, you've been working for years, you have life experience. You are not mixing with 17 year olds who are at a totally different stage in their lives. You can get mature 17 yr olds and immature 21 year olds but it doesn't magically out them in the same place. If it was a 13 year old and a 17 year old, it would raise a few eyebrows.
Not a big deal. When I 15, my best friend and I hung out with a group of ppl and several were over 18. Back then you could drink beer at 18 yo. And not everyone drinks just because they can. A lot of ppl drink when they shouldn't. 4 years being a big deal a this age must be a culture thing? I see it all the time.
Same here. I've slept on the same bed with friends, too, and had a routine very similar to what OP illustrated when we were spending more time together over summer break. Never got called a closeted lesbian for it. I do not understand why people are reading romantic implications into it, and I can see why OP is offended by it.
Exactly! If women do it it's completely normal but when men do it it's completely gay! That's so toxic!! I kiss my best friend all the time and people don't even bat an eyelash, let it be two men giving each other a hello or goodbye kiss? BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN!!!!!!!
If you expect time alone with that friend, not be bothered, but don't mind being bothered by said friend when you are spending time with ur SO, then there's more red flags waving than at a bullfight!!
If you read the full discussion, it's quite clear this guy does not see his wife in the same light as this friend. He describes his time with his friend as "joyous" while describing his role as a husband as "doing his share of chores and trying to be emotionally available". He also avoids making the effort to have a discussion with his wife and instead makes social plans after work.
I agree but I also think op isn't drawing a clear line with his words, people understand platonic as not romantic, he could just say we're really close friends like family, but it's a platonic relationship, if he himself says it wasn't platonic people will assume that even if not sexual there's emotional cheating, or they had an emotional romantic affair. OP is acting suspicious with his responses, but the comments accusing are going over the top and making assumptions, it also don't explain the wife's actions since she was fine in the years before but not this year.
I think platonic is open to interpretation. Sleeping in the same bed, I'm sure they were immersed in each other's farts on a regular basis, and it's safe to assume they made physical contact now and then. Heck, they may have even had intimate conversations about their thoughts on homosexuality. I'd hesitate to use the word platonic in those circumstances, but if they aren't gay then they aren't gay.
It's the oddly specific (and incomplete because this isn't the reddit post) comments the OP made. Also the unhealthy red flags of a minor and an adult being friends with a gap so large they wouldn't have been friends if the older one was in high school too. More than meets the eye regardless on if it's a physical affair or not.
I really don't understand this comment. My partner and I met when I was 15, and they were, 18. My best friend at that time met her future husband who was 19. I've been with my partner for multiple decades, now. It was absolutely common for us all to meet and hang out at that age because we went to similar hangout spots, and would meet at church, and through mutual friends. I myself met my partner at a battle of the bands run by my best friend's older brother.
I was 17 when I went to college and most of the friends I met in my class were 21+. We don't know how these two met but since they lived together I'm assuming it was either work-related or school-related. Which means they were probably put in a situation where they had to have contact with each other and formed a friendship. 17 and 21 is not that big for a friendship and especially not between two guys
That sounds pretty stupid after OP's update confessing the decade long affair, but sure.
In later comments, he outright described his relationship with the "friend" as nonplatonic.
And the people who can't grasp having a best friend in your teens and 20's? I feel sorry for them. Having a best friend of the same sex, with NO serial interest in one another, is special. You know how my bf and I used to refer to each other? As sisters. Because we were family, though not by blood. I don't get how wife was okay with it and now suddenly pulled a 180. If she's feeling insecure it could be for lots of reasons, but she is the one who needs to figure out her feelings and deal with them. If anyone had tried to come between my best friend and I, we wouldn't have made it to marriage. If I have to take the MIL with the man, then he has to take my bestie with me. Lol Also, in the US sleeping in the same bed seems weird but, he says they were in tight quarters. I've read of entire families sleeping in the same bed. I never had to share a bed with my bf but would have thought nothing of it. No physical attraction, not sexual. Ppl are so uptight about intimacy.
People on reddit do this all the time whenever two men have a close friendship. It's so weird and disturbing. If this had been a woman going on vacation with her best friend no one would've expected anything. They probablh would've even called the bf controlling and obsessive
Lol girls have literally written songs about it. For some reason guys don't get the benefit of the doubt.
Lovely double standard right? If OP was a woman nobody would have batted an eye at the friendship but since he's a dude "oh he must be secretly gay!"
Sharing a bed for a month whilst travelling, no doubt to cut down on costs, is vastly different from sharing a flat for years and sleeping in the same bed. The only way this would be similar is if you married a guy but went on holiday with your female friend and switched your mobile off.
Because that is Reddit. Marital problems? Either one of the partners is having an affair, or they need to get a divorce.
It sounds like a queer platonic relationship to me. I say as an aspec person who is in a queer platonic and even occasionally sexual relationship with another aspec person. Most people don't really understand QPRs, especially those who aren't on either the asexual or aromantic spectrums (aspec). But often they look like a "bromance" or something between platonic and romantic that may or may not have sexual aspects (Jd+turk). To the vast majority of people they see a relationship like that and either take a hard line "it's purely platonic" stance (usually if it's a het pairing, like you see in team rocket) or they think there's a secret romanic or sexual aspect that maybe people aren't being honest about (most often for non het couplings or even for children or others who haven't openly been in romantic relationships before/express romantic interests/element of "exploration" "epiphany" etc. Simba+Nala/Spock+kirk) I honestly have given up on trying to have any open or honest conversations with friends, family etc. Only queer groups
NTA. Well, i am married and a father. If i happen to spend a week end with (a) friend(s); which happens once a year or less, i will not be 100% unreachable, but definetely not answering texts or calls for extended periods, and dedicate my time and attention to the people i am with. And guess what, my wife is absolutely fine with that. And i return her the favor as much as i can.
Yep. My late husband went on an annual golf trip with his buddies, plus an overnight fishing trip once a year. Those were the days before cell phones were common and he was often unreachable for a couple of days at a time, but I never questioned him or discouraged him from going - and I never felt threatened by the trips. But I had a tremendous amount of respect for my husband and he for me. IMO, if you don't trust and respect your partner, why did you marry them?! The repeated phone calls show a total lack of trust and respect.
Load More Replies...
There is trust and then there is stupid. Partners need a good kick in the but sometimes. These people who do this are cheated on or cheat. Guy are not friends with good looking girls. Ha ha.
My husband and I have the same arrangement. He made it perfectly clear when we were dating that he's fine with me going on trips without him, but it would be nice if I let him know I got there safe. He also goes on camping trips with his friends and I do not feel the need to text him multiple times per day.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Yup and you cheat. Live with that at night, because guess what do does he. It's called gas lighting.
Is this about you not being able to keep it in your pants, or is it about everyone you’ve ever met being nymphomaniac cheaters? Or both?
I do the same with my SO, but you can be damn sure if the hospital calls because I have a seziure and hospitalized..he's answering and on his way. The sister's accident is not an emergency, if it was the wife..the hospital would call.
But are you spending the weekend away from your wife in a suite with someone you once shared a bed with for 5 years, that you admit was "not an entirely platonic relationship" and, when asked if you are attracted to men or women, answer it with "men" despite being married to a woman? There's a lot of red flags in his comment replies that he has conveniently left out of his main post. And my guess is the wife is has picked up on all these red flags and is feeling super insecure. I would be too. A weekend guys trip is totally not what the comments are implying. And it's only ever the same guy he is taking trips with...
That is a great description of a healthy, trusting marriage. I’m pleased for you. 😀
My father is pushing 70. Still goes out "hunting" once a year with his buddies. With hunting being code for playing cards and drinking all weekend. My mother doesn't feel the need to bother him.
Ah, the codicil of, "as much as you can", but this jerk expected to NOT be bothered at all while he was with his, ''buddy''! Doesn't sound like his was an, "as much as I can", situation, it was a MY terms situation!
I need to point out that if they were two women no one would have looked twice at their relationship. This is toxic masculinity at it's finest.
If they used the words and phrases he used to describe what happened in their alone time then yes, they would say the same about two women. Ya'll throw everything under the sun out there to try and justify a mans suspicious behavior if it seems hes cheating but let it be a woman and everyone automatically jumps to that conclusion
Load More Replies... He didn't say anything though. Where?? He says they are very close, and that they have never been in a sexual situation. He says they slept in the same bed due to circumstances of their living quarters. This sounds to me like he knows that people like to assign sexual intimacy to males who are bonded, but that they have never had a sexual relationship. It's like you just want to see something so badly that you're ignoring what he says and inserting your own reality. It reminds me of people who cry incest because two siblings are very close. Why do you all have severe intimacy phobias?
He admitted their friendship was more than platonic! He said it wasn't sexually explicit, then what was it? I'm a gay man and I have straight male friends. We don't hook up. I also don't get uncomfortable when other gay men aske me if we have. I find it annoying AF, but it doesn't make me uncomfortable. His discomfort and admitting that his relationship was more than platonic makes me think they are having a romantic affair and they turn off their phones to lessen the guilt. Just my opinion, but that's the vibe I got. If two women were taking these trips and admitted to having hooked up before, I would assume the exact same thing.
Nope! If it were just two men who were friends no one would blink an eye. He admitted their friendship was more than platonic! He said it wasn't sexually explicit, then what was it? I'm a gay man and I have straight male friends. We don't hook up. I also don't get uncomfortable when other gay men aske me if we have. I find it annoying AF, but it doesn't make me uncomfortable. His discomfort and admitting that his relationship was more than platonic makes me think they are having a romantic affair and they turn off their phones to lessen the guilt. Just my opinion, but that's the vibe I got. If two women were taking these trips and admitted to having hooked up before, I would assume the exact same thing.
Why are the people of this subreddit so obsessed with trying to uncover an assumed gay affair here that probably doesn't even exist? I find it pretty weird ... I've also shared a bed with my best friend for a month when we were doing a little travel together, and nobody ever called us lesbians because of that.
Intimate doesn't mean sexual! And the OP SAID that the accusations were making him uncomfortable. They're best friends, goddammit. Quit it with the conspiracy theories and focus on the actual problem. If the roles were switched, husband would be TA. So the wife is TA here.
Load More Replies... They're telling him "You're married, change your life and routine to fix it". If the genders were reversed and the OP was the wife, they'd be telling her "Get out of the marriage".
I really wish you weren't right about that. It's like everyone online tries to expand upon limited details to prove their own presumed believe, just to then tell the person that they're either messed up, or need to leave the relationship, most often the latter.
When people are convinced that men and women can't be platonic friends, or that close friend relationships are inherently sexual, I always assume that it's their projection of the fact that they personally couldn't keep it in their pants. Some of us are perfectly capable of not being sexual with every person we're close to. I'm bi/pan sexual and yet strangely I'm faithful to my husband.
It is hilarious to me that people don’t think bisexuals can’t be faithful. Heterosexual women resist men other than their husbands, so why is it so different that you resist men and women? You are totally right about friendships, too. I have platonic male friends, and people are always looking for the sex in those relationships. I let them think what they want; my husband knows the truth and he’s the only one who matters.
I have platonic friends of the opposite sex as well, however, I've never shared a bed with them nor gone off grid with them for days leaving my Husband at home.
We bi's always get accused of cheating wh*res when in reality, every bisexual I know, including myself AND my husband are insanely faithful to their partners. In this case of this guy though, people threw those accusations at him because just the idea of two men having a strong enough friendship they shared a small space together without banging, can't possibly be real. Total insecurities with half these people.
I always said if someone chooses to be with me, it doesn't matter who else they're attracted to. Bisexual people have a greater range of potential partners so I would see their choosing me as twice the compliment!
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
No your not. Your a crazy. Pan ? Really?
No idea. Someone posts something and they just *have* to tear it apart, look for hidden meanings, etc. The wife kept bugging him after he explicitely told her he didn't want extended contact, so he turned the phone off. There's nothing wrong with that. And people can be friends without cheating, geez. There's a comment there that says OP said they hooked up - they didn't. He said they didn't but people are shoving their own conclusions based on their lives onto his. All you can do is take what he said at face value because that's the info you were given.
His post had an update. If you clicked on and read it he’s divorcing his wife because he is gay. He was brought up in a strict religious home and when he had to move back parents made him find a girl and get married so he would grow up and be normal. He is now with his friend as his life partner. He fought all his natural inclinations because of the homophobic family he was raised in. He also went very low contact with them.
My straight male best friend shares a bed with his straight male roommate because of money issues. They get called gay, constantly (both have girlfriends and have never once expressed sexual interest in other males). Meanwhile, I, a lesbian with a live-in girlfriend, has to tell people multiple times that we’re a couple. My girlfriend is constantly hit on by guys when out with me (she’s the looker lol), and says “Sorry, this is my girlfriend.” and the guys assume it’s platonic anyway. People tend to assume women can’t be romantically and/or sexually involved, most likely because of the false idea that “it’s not sex without a penis.”
This. Also people some men can't have a strong bond without it being sexual. People place sexual intimacy where it needn't be. I watched a documentary recently where a man held his best friend while his best friend was dying, and kissed his friend on the forehead as a goodbye. It was heartbreaking, and the two, clearly, were very close. I see it more like my two male cats that are bonded; completely inseparable. Not everything is about sex, nor subterfuge, but some people insist on making it that way.
Yeah, this and the ‚you can’t spend an entire weekend away with someone else if you’re married’ seem really messed up to me.
My parents took vacations together but my mom also took vacations with friends and her sisters. My dad was fine with it because he preferred hanging out at home. My mom had interests that my dad didn't have. The few times that my dad traveled without her, she was fine. Back then there WERE NO CELL PHONES! They've been married a looooong time. (53 yrs). It's important to do things together but also to keep your own identity and your own friends/interests.
My spouse never spent a night apart until we had our first child, after 8 years of marriage. It was something we actively avoided and continue to avoid.
Why though? My parents have been married more than 50 years and I think trusting eachother enough to make no big deal out of spending a few days apart occasionally is a big part of why their marriage is still strong as ever.
We've been married 35 years but together for 44 years in total. We don't go on holidays separately because, and this is obviously strange to some people, we went to be together. We want to experience things together. We meet friends separately for lunch but we wouldn't go out for a 'proper' meal without each other. It's just not the way we do things. The only time we've been apart overnight is when he has to go away for courses for work and we'd speak on the phone morning and evening Or when I was in hospital for cancer surgery but even then he visited every day, at least once. We trust each other, we just don't have any desire to spend time apart like that. My parents were married 65 years and never went away without each other either
Every couple does what makes them strongest. Not everyone is going to be like you and your spouse. I've spent nights away from my husband, he's spnt nights away from me. Not AL of them where by choice. In fact the very night I found out I was pregnant with our first child, we couldn't be together because work kept him away. It hasn't changed anything but made us stronger in trusting one another.
While I agree with the premise of your comment, there IS quite the difference in sharing a bed with your BF for a month while traveling....and sharing a bed for 6 years while not being "completely platonic". Big difference. I am not "obsessed" with trying to find any type of affair...but YES, when an adult throws out that they slept in the same bed with their friend for more than half a decade (do you not think they could have afforded another bed in the SIX years they lived together? really?)...it may rightly raise a couple of eyebrows...lets not act like that suspicion is coming out of the blue!!
He commented they lived in "close quarters" - some areas have very tiny apartments and if sleeping together didn't bother them and there was no room for another bed I could see this as an explanation.
Hey, it could have been as much as just a kiss or making out...that doesn't justify people in the subreddit calling him essentially a liar and saying he's withholding information. People on hat subreddit want to jump to the most massive conclusions that only fit their agenda.(in no way am I saying you're doing that)
To me, it was ambiguous if he meant once or twice, or the whole time. I assumed the former, though I’m not sure why. If it was the whole 6 years…
Afforded another bed and placed it where? If this was a 1 bedroom apartment, the options were limited. Not saying that sharing beds with another dude is super common in the west, but if they say nothing happened then nothing happened.
I agree with the bed thing. I find it odd that they never just got two twin beds, or a bunk bed. Would take up way less space and give each person their own bed. And also, I think a lot of the issue is that he used the "not completely platonic" thing, like either he doesn't actually know what platonic means, or he's implying that there was more going on, even if nothing physical happened. Or maybe they spooned a lot and he felt that meant more than platonic, but less than sexual. Who knows?
Or maybe let’s, considering that’s the facts we have. It’s interesting how this specific situation has lead to such massive leaps of assumption - why didn’t this woman have a problem with these trips until they were married, if it’s not out of the blue? She didn’t mind him “cheating” as long as there was no ring on her finger? No, I think we’ll have to assume the suspicion actually did come out of the blue, considering that’s the situation described.
I would sleep with my sister in hotel rooms, doesnt make it incest. People like to jump the boat while its still a mile out at sea and end up swimming the wrong direction.
Has more to do with his evasive language. It wasn't "explicitly sexual" he is constantly going over alone to his house and never brings him to their house because 'the house has to be spotless', he is willing to abandon his wife at family dinners and such to take the Best friend's calls and more than likely runs off if there is a problem, but flat out said if she had reached him he wouldn't have come home, even though her sister could have died. Just because she DIDN'T doesn't mean hearing that news was any less emotionally devistating for his wife. But again Best Friend trumps wife. My first husband got handed his walking papers when my 18 year old nephew was killed in a car accident and his response was "I didn't know him well enough." When he treated my breakdown like one treats a dirty diaper. When I told him we were over, he threw his wedding ring at my head and told everyone I was cheating with my best friends because they cared and they stood by me even at the funeral.
Everyone needs to read his latest additions to the post. He deliberately omitted a LOT of information about his history with this "friend". If your spouse disappeared once a year for a long weekend with someone they used to share a bed with...that would make most people uneasy.
Imo it becuse there is a LOT of gray area here and OP doesnt clarify. Sharing a bed sometimes is necessary and means 2 people sleeping separately on one mattress. Is there skin to skin contact? Nightclothes for both people? Intimate spooning? Nuzzling? Whispers of sweet nothings with eye to eye contact and touching foreheads? A good amount of that is what comes to mind when he says that a lot of people wouldnt consider it plutonic but he wouldnt consider anything sexual happened.
For me personally I find it very weird that a freaking 17 year old is friends with a 21 year old. 4 years is very big when its like this. The friend can drink while Op cant even vote. That is what seems sus to me.
Do all friends drink? A friendship that can only be sustained by alcohol is not a good sign. My current best friend was my sister's friend first and when she came home to visit we found out she had more in common with me than my sister... she's about 3 years older...I was 15 to her 18... Maturity has very little to do with age and a lot to do with the individual.
I was just using that as an example I am not saying that all they are is beer buddies. I was just saying that it's weird that an adult is friends with someone who is still a kid. 4 years is a big gap when you put something like that into perspective.
No it isn't, and 17 isn't a "kid" anymore than 21 is an adult. I don't think you can even rent a car at 21, and for good reason. They were both essentially teenagers, they both probably drank and smoked weed, and probably enjoyed the same entertainment. As for voting, no one has ever asked me to come vote with them as an activity.
15 to 18 and especially as she was already a family friend is totally different. When you're 21 you are an adult, you've been working for years, you have life experience. You are not mixing with 17 year olds who are at a totally different stage in their lives. You can get mature 17 yr olds and immature 21 year olds but it doesn't magically out them in the same place. If it was a 13 year old and a 17 year old, it would raise a few eyebrows.
Not a big deal. When I 15, my best friend and I hung out with a group of ppl and several were over 18. Back then you could drink beer at 18 yo. And not everyone drinks just because they can. A lot of ppl drink when they shouldn't. 4 years being a big deal a this age must be a culture thing? I see it all the time.
Same here. I've slept on the same bed with friends, too, and had a routine very similar to what OP illustrated when we were spending more time together over summer break. Never got called a closeted lesbian for it. I do not understand why people are reading romantic implications into it, and I can see why OP is offended by it.
Exactly! If women do it it's completely normal but when men do it it's completely gay! That's so toxic!! I kiss my best friend all the time and people don't even bat an eyelash, let it be two men giving each other a hello or goodbye kiss? BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN!!!!!!!
If you expect time alone with that friend, not be bothered, but don't mind being bothered by said friend when you are spending time with ur SO, then there's more red flags waving than at a bullfight!!
If you read the full discussion, it's quite clear this guy does not see his wife in the same light as this friend. He describes his time with his friend as "joyous" while describing his role as a husband as "doing his share of chores and trying to be emotionally available". He also avoids making the effort to have a discussion with his wife and instead makes social plans after work.
I agree but I also think op isn't drawing a clear line with his words, people understand platonic as not romantic, he could just say we're really close friends like family, but it's a platonic relationship, if he himself says it wasn't platonic people will assume that even if not sexual there's emotional cheating, or they had an emotional romantic affair. OP is acting suspicious with his responses, but the comments accusing are going over the top and making assumptions, it also don't explain the wife's actions since she was fine in the years before but not this year.
I think platonic is open to interpretation. Sleeping in the same bed, I'm sure they were immersed in each other's farts on a regular basis, and it's safe to assume they made physical contact now and then. Heck, they may have even had intimate conversations about their thoughts on homosexuality. I'd hesitate to use the word platonic in those circumstances, but if they aren't gay then they aren't gay.
It's the oddly specific (and incomplete because this isn't the reddit post) comments the OP made. Also the unhealthy red flags of a minor and an adult being friends with a gap so large they wouldn't have been friends if the older one was in high school too. More than meets the eye regardless on if it's a physical affair or not.
I really don't understand this comment. My partner and I met when I was 15, and they were, 18. My best friend at that time met her future husband who was 19. I've been with my partner for multiple decades, now. It was absolutely common for us all to meet and hang out at that age because we went to similar hangout spots, and would meet at church, and through mutual friends. I myself met my partner at a battle of the bands run by my best friend's older brother.
I was 17 when I went to college and most of the friends I met in my class were 21+. We don't know how these two met but since they lived together I'm assuming it was either work-related or school-related. Which means they were probably put in a situation where they had to have contact with each other and formed a friendship. 17 and 21 is not that big for a friendship and especially not between two guys
That sounds pretty stupid after OP's update confessing the decade long affair, but sure.
In later comments, he outright described his relationship with the "friend" as nonplatonic.
And the people who can't grasp having a best friend in your teens and 20's? I feel sorry for them. Having a best friend of the same sex, with NO serial interest in one another, is special. You know how my bf and I used to refer to each other? As sisters. Because we were family, though not by blood. I don't get how wife was okay with it and now suddenly pulled a 180. If she's feeling insecure it could be for lots of reasons, but she is the one who needs to figure out her feelings and deal with them. If anyone had tried to come between my best friend and I, we wouldn't have made it to marriage. If I have to take the MIL with the man, then he has to take my bestie with me. Lol Also, in the US sleeping in the same bed seems weird but, he says they were in tight quarters. I've read of entire families sleeping in the same bed. I never had to share a bed with my bf but would have thought nothing of it. No physical attraction, not sexual. Ppl are so uptight about intimacy.
People on reddit do this all the time whenever two men have a close friendship. It's so weird and disturbing. If this had been a woman going on vacation with her best friend no one would've expected anything. They probablh would've even called the bf controlling and obsessive
Lol girls have literally written songs about it. For some reason guys don't get the benefit of the doubt.
Lovely double standard right? If OP was a woman nobody would have batted an eye at the friendship but since he's a dude "oh he must be secretly gay!"
Sharing a bed for a month whilst travelling, no doubt to cut down on costs, is vastly different from sharing a flat for years and sleeping in the same bed. The only way this would be similar is if you married a guy but went on holiday with your female friend and switched your mobile off.
Because that is Reddit. Marital problems? Either one of the partners is having an affair, or they need to get a divorce.
It sounds like a queer platonic relationship to me. I say as an aspec person who is in a queer platonic and even occasionally sexual relationship with another aspec person. Most people don't really understand QPRs, especially those who aren't on either the asexual or aromantic spectrums (aspec). But often they look like a "bromance" or something between platonic and romantic that may or may not have sexual aspects (Jd+turk). To the vast majority of people they see a relationship like that and either take a hard line "it's purely platonic" stance (usually if it's a het pairing, like you see in team rocket) or they think there's a secret romanic or sexual aspect that maybe people aren't being honest about (most often for non het couplings or even for children or others who haven't openly been in romantic relationships before/express romantic interests/element of "exploration" "epiphany" etc. Simba+Nala/Spock+kirk) I honestly have given up on trying to have any open or honest conversations with friends, family etc. Only queer groups
NTA. Well, i am married and a father. If i happen to spend a week end with (a) friend(s); which happens once a year or less, i will not be 100% unreachable, but definetely not answering texts or calls for extended periods, and dedicate my time and attention to the people i am with. And guess what, my wife is absolutely fine with that. And i return her the favor as much as i can.
Yep. My late husband went on an annual golf trip with his buddies, plus an overnight fishing trip once a year. Those were the days before cell phones were common and he was often unreachable for a couple of days at a time, but I never questioned him or discouraged him from going - and I never felt threatened by the trips. But I had a tremendous amount of respect for my husband and he for me. IMO, if you don't trust and respect your partner, why did you marry them?! The repeated phone calls show a total lack of trust and respect.
Load More Replies... There is trust and then there is stupid. Partners need a good kick in the but sometimes. These people who do this are cheated on or cheat. Guy are not friends with good looking girls. Ha ha.
My husband and I have the same arrangement. He made it perfectly clear when we were dating that he's fine with me going on trips without him, but it would be nice if I let him know I got there safe. He also goes on camping trips with his friends and I do not feel the need to text him multiple times per day.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Yup and you cheat. Live with that at night, because guess what do does he. It's called gas lighting.
Is this about you not being able to keep it in your pants, or is it about everyone you’ve ever met being nymphomaniac cheaters? Or both?
I do the same with my SO, but you can be damn sure if the hospital calls because I have a seziure and hospitalized..he's answering and on his way. The sister's accident is not an emergency, if it was the wife..the hospital would call.
But are you spending the weekend away from your wife in a suite with someone you once shared a bed with for 5 years, that you admit was "not an entirely platonic relationship" and, when asked if you are attracted to men or women, answer it with "men" despite being married to a woman? There's a lot of red flags in his comment replies that he has conveniently left out of his main post. And my guess is the wife is has picked up on all these red flags and is feeling super insecure. I would be too. A weekend guys trip is totally not what the comments are implying. And it's only ever the same guy he is taking trips with...
That is a great description of a healthy, trusting marriage. I’m pleased for you. 😀
My father is pushing 70. Still goes out "hunting" once a year with his buddies. With hunting being code for playing cards and drinking all weekend. My mother doesn't feel the need to bother him.
Ah, the codicil of, "as much as you can", but this jerk expected to NOT be bothered at all while he was with his, ''buddy''! Doesn't sound like his was an, "as much as I can", situation, it was a MY terms situation!
I need to point out that if they were two women no one would have looked twice at their relationship. This is toxic masculinity at it's finest.
If they used the words and phrases he used to describe what happened in their alone time then yes, they would say the same about two women. Ya'll throw everything under the sun out there to try and justify a mans suspicious behavior if it seems hes cheating but let it be a woman and everyone automatically jumps to that conclusion
Load More Replies... He didn't say anything though. Where?? He says they are very close, and that they have never been in a sexual situation. He says they slept in the same bed due to circumstances of their living quarters. This sounds to me like he knows that people like to assign sexual intimacy to males who are bonded, but that they have never had a sexual relationship. It's like you just want to see something so badly that you're ignoring what he says and inserting your own reality. It reminds me of people who cry incest because two siblings are very close. Why do you all have severe intimacy phobias?
He admitted their friendship was more than platonic! He said it wasn't sexually explicit, then what was it? I'm a gay man and I have straight male friends. We don't hook up. I also don't get uncomfortable when other gay men aske me if we have. I find it annoying AF, but it doesn't make me uncomfortable. His discomfort and admitting that his relationship was more than platonic makes me think they are having a romantic affair and they turn off their phones to lessen the guilt. Just my opinion, but that's the vibe I got. If two women were taking these trips and admitted to having hooked up before, I would assume the exact same thing.
Nope! If it were just two men who were friends no one would blink an eye. He admitted their friendship was more than platonic! He said it wasn't sexually explicit, then what was it? I'm a gay man and I have straight male friends. We don't hook up. I also don't get uncomfortable when other gay men aske me if we have. I find it annoying AF, but it doesn't make me uncomfortable. His discomfort and admitting that his relationship was more than platonic makes me think they are having a romantic affair and they turn off their phones to lessen the guilt. Just my opinion, but that's the vibe I got. If two women were taking these trips and admitted to having hooked up before, I would assume the exact same thing.
75
268