6 Useful Tips On How To Deal With Angry People, According To Psychology Professor On TikTok
The variety of emotions people feel is one of the things that makes our species so unique. But they can complicate our lives, especially when we can’t fully control them or when we’re not completely aware of them.
One of the strongest emotions that is more difficult to control is anger. People say things that they wouldn’t normally and they can really hurt other people—both emotionally and physically. Controlling your anger is totally up to you, but what to do if someone is mad at you?
Anger professor Ryan Martin has created a series on his TikTok account talking about this problem. He gives some tips and directions on how we should behave when someone is mad at us.
More info: TikTok
Anger researcher Ryan Martin created a TikTok series talking about how to deal with angry people and gives some tips that might help
Image credits: angerprofessor
Ryan Martin is a professor of Psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay. He researches the expressions of anger and explores the reasons behind people getting angry so he can advise them how to use it in a more productive way.
Dr. Ryan Martin is also the host of the popular psychology podcast, Psychology and Stuff. Among other things, he has a TikTok account with 110k followers where he speaks about things related to anger, anger management and other interesting sides of human psychology.
The first thing to do is to ask yourself if you’ve done anything that might justify the person’s anger
Image credits: angerprofessor
He has quite a few series going on and one of them is all about how to deal with angry people. Currently it has six parts, with the first part having 732k views.
The professor kicks off the series with the most difficult part of dealing with angry people: when you ask yourself if the person that is mad at you is justified. He doesn’t mean that they are justified to yell at you or hurt you, and if the person is reacting in an inappropriate way, his advice would be to say “I made a mistake and I’ll fix it but you shouldn’t treat me that way.”
Try to de-escalate the situation by engaging in a non-complementary behavior, i.e. staying calm
Image credits: Frederick Dennstedt (not the actual photo)
In the second part, Dr. Ryan talks about complementary and non-complementary behavior. He claims that you should embrace the latter, meaning not to try and match the other person’s behavior but behave the opposite of them.
According to the professor, “If you stay calm and even lower your voice a little bit, they are likely to match that and lower their voice a little bit.” However, people that saw this video didn’t particularly agree with this as they had experiences when being calm just irritated the other person even more.
If someone is angry at you but socially withdraws, you should find another way to communicate that would work in that situation
Image credits: angerprofessor
The anger researcher continues the series with explaining what to do if someone is angry at you but they express it by stopping communication. This is a tricky situation as a person is entitled to their own space, but you still want to resolve the conflict.
In the video, Ryan describes how he would deal with such a person, “First thing I would say is find a way to communicate with them that serves your relationship: text, phone, in person, whatever. Say something to the effect of the following: ‘I believe you are angry with me. It seems you don’t want to talk about it. That’s OK but when you are, I am ready.’”
While in an argument, it would be wise not to generalize the other person’s behavior and to know when to disengage from an unproductive conversation
Image credits: Kurayba (not the actual photo)
Another important thing to have in mind is to not generalize the other person’s behavior as it would not be productive at the time of the argument. Ryan thinks it’s best to avoid saying things like “you always yell at me when you’re mad” or “why don’t you ever talk to me about this stuff?” because these behavior patterns should be discussed when everyone is calm and not in the heat of a fight.
It is also useful to know when to disengage. Maybe the argument got too intense and it would be best for your safety. Or if you see that this will not lead anywhere and it would be more productive to return to the matter with a clearer mind.
If you get in an argument over text, you should take your time to think and a good response would be to ask non-judgemental questions
Image credits: Nate Steiner (not the actual photo)
In the last part of the series, Ryan discusses a point that some of his viewers brought up: how to deal with angry messages? The professor is not a fan of answering with aggression, so because there is an option to not respond right away, you can think a bit about what you would like to say.
The psychologist believes that asking questions would be a good idea, like “Can you tell me more about why you’re mad?” or “How would you like to resolve this?”
Image credits: angerprofessor
Because all humans are different, it is pretty safe to assume that these tips wouldn’t work for everyone, but it’s worth a try if everything else fails. In general, Dr. Ryan is teaching us that we should be understanding and try to resolve the conflict by looking at it objectively and thinking before speaking.
You can watch the first part of the series in this video
@angerprofessorDealing with Angry People: Part 1. Ask yourself questions ##anger ##emotion ##selfhelp ##angermanagement ##psychology♬ original sound – Ryan Martin
Video credits: angerprofessor
What do you think of Dr. Ryan Martin’s tactics of dealing with angry people? Have you tried any of these approaches, and did they work to your advantage? Let’s have a discussion in the comment section!
Some people found the tips useful but others expressed their doubts
One person wrote, "when I stay calm, my girlfriend gets angrier." Good point: seeming OVERLY detached can send the message that you don't care that the other person is upset. The point is not to RETALIATE with anger.
This only works among people who have a shared reality and shared facts to reason with. I have had to deal with people who are angry and upset all… the… time. I mean professionally CAPS LOCK ANGRY at anything and everything. They need professional care, which is neither a skill I possess nor a service I provide. So avoidance is the only viable strategy with that lot. With any reasonable person, you can eventually get to the triggers and root causes to sort things out if the relationship is valued by both parties.
HOW DARE YOU???!!! ... Sorry! I saw your caps lock comment and couldn't resist! Sorry again! :p
Load More Replies...My ex husband wouldn't stop needling until I was in tears of rage. Then he'd suddenly become the voice of reason because I was "too emotional"...
He’s the reason some people snap and kill. His behavior was psychotic. I’m glad he’s your ex.
Load More Replies...I had an ex who had borderline personality disorder and would explode over really small things, not being able to find a dish cloth the cue being long etc. Even before we worked out what was wrong with her I found just letting her vent and not engaging to be the only really effective method of dealing with her anger. Different people require different approaches but you can normally workout how to deal with people.
Snarkzie, you're right. My mom has borderline personality disorder, not engaging and just letting her yell it out, even if it hurts me, is the only way I've been able to live with her
Load More Replies...The best advice I ever learnt was just to let angry people shout and vent. They won't listen to anything until they feel like they've got out what they need to, and very few people can maintain that level of anger for more than 30 seconds, especially if they're shouting (obviously there are some exceptions to that rule). If you try and talk to someone while they're mid-rant, it just fuels their anger if they feel like you're not listening to them or giving them a chance to finish. Wait until they're done and then you can usually have a more productive conversation, and it also works well if you acknowledge their feelings eg "I can hear that you're angry about the situation.......". Plus, they also look like douches if they're shouting at someone calmly and patiently listening to them, and that's sometimes satisfying in itself.
No, it really begins with this dude's first advice. Is it about you or isn't it? Is there something you did that started it off, own it. Most people really don't get that most mistakes are not intentional. But they are still mistakes. And they still can hurt. So, for example, you turn around and you step on someone's toe. Maybe that toe already hurt from something else. That person yells out in pain and maybe adds in some strong language. You díd do something to cause the pain, and you can acknowledge that. The person in pain however shouts out because of something that is added to something that happened earlier. So if you acknowledge your mistake, they can acknowledge the fact that the total amount of pain is not your fault, nor was it your intention. Now translate to most (seemingly unreasonable) interactions and all of a sudden it changes dramatically. And usually, it's not just the toe that was hurting. It's more of a total leg thing, so everything that touches that, hurts more than it would someone without that pain to start out with.
Load More Replies...Some people, and this is true especially for the ones who feel they're above you, for whatever reason, will exercise their anger by asking you questions. Don't answer them. They say they wanna hear reasons, but really they're just making you provide them with things to use against you. They really don't want answers, and often times they're really just deceiving themselves as well. Keep quiet, especially if they interrupt you when you actually try to answer. If the conflict remains unsolved, it's better to give it time, maybe take notes of your thoughts and then compile an official letter addressing the subject issue. Don't be afraid to ask advice from someone you trust.
I stay calm for the lulz. One day a woman complained about me that I had kindly wished her a good day.
I worked in a callcenter a while ago. I once had a caller who absolutely escalated because 1. the previous call center agent was loud and abusive and therefore absolutely unprofessional (correct if this was true). The second reason was because I had remained calm and professional, which meant that i would give a f*ck for his complaint. Because of his behavior I could understand very well if the first colleague was loud. In a 15 minute conversation, the caller was unwilling to give the reason for his complaint and kept offensive and aggressive from the very first Minute to the last one no matter how many times I've apologized and tried to help him.
This def doesn’t work w/ narcissists, I’m currently texting my sister who is getting more and more upset bc I didn’t respond to a text exactly how she wanted me to. A difference of opinion is like a personal disrespect, it’s wild.
I'm so sorry you go through that. My wife's sister insists on calling. Then only talks about herself, puts down my wife, and gets upset my wife "never talks to her" when she tries to let her go.
Load More Replies...My ex used to tell me to laugh at him bcuz of how stupid he must have looked when he got angry. I tried it, and the laughter was not contagious. He got mad, broke something, and then would try to use it against me. I said he told me to do that. He denied it. I'd always be calm with him, and he'd get madder. He wanted me to argue back. I think he wanted an excuse so he could raise a hand to me and maybe one day hit me. I left before it got that far.
My dad has a different strategy if someone is angry and screaming at him he would tell them to write down what they are upset about for proof half the people calm instantly and other half who is zealous forget when they write why they were shouting. If my dad is angry himself he instantly start writing. It takes your mind off of the issue.
It is all fun and games, till the tiktok professor (😶) or one of his "students" gets punched in the face.
I've found that going through steps like the ones noted above are a good way to figure out who is angry for reasons like misinterpretation/miscommunication and who is very purposefully being angry because for some reason or another they've chosen *you* as their anger-sink.
Remaining calm can piss them off more because it makes it seem dismissive.
I’ve always had the fortunate ability to keep very calm the crazier things (or people) around me get. Not sure how as I’m a passionate person but it helps others calm down eventually…
The more angry my mom gets, the more calm I get. It drives her insane. But she deserves it when she's accusing me of something I did NOT do, which is 99.9% of the time. She's gonna stroke out one of these days.
Is their anger justified? Well if you believe the world revolves around you and others should adjust to you, then you should look at what you did.
See, you are taking the pov that will escalate anything. Sometimes, even unintentionally, you hurt people. And you set them off because the subject is something touchy to them. The only thing is to understand that everyone can have a different world view and that you too can be the cause of anger. If you stay calm and own your mistakes, you can have a conversation about it. It all depends on how important that person is. But writing everyone off before you even know what it's about, is exactly the problem of so so many things escalating. You are also not the center of the universe ya know.
Load More Replies...One person wrote, "when I stay calm, my girlfriend gets angrier." Good point: seeming OVERLY detached can send the message that you don't care that the other person is upset. The point is not to RETALIATE with anger.
This only works among people who have a shared reality and shared facts to reason with. I have had to deal with people who are angry and upset all… the… time. I mean professionally CAPS LOCK ANGRY at anything and everything. They need professional care, which is neither a skill I possess nor a service I provide. So avoidance is the only viable strategy with that lot. With any reasonable person, you can eventually get to the triggers and root causes to sort things out if the relationship is valued by both parties.
HOW DARE YOU???!!! ... Sorry! I saw your caps lock comment and couldn't resist! Sorry again! :p
Load More Replies...My ex husband wouldn't stop needling until I was in tears of rage. Then he'd suddenly become the voice of reason because I was "too emotional"...
He’s the reason some people snap and kill. His behavior was psychotic. I’m glad he’s your ex.
Load More Replies...I had an ex who had borderline personality disorder and would explode over really small things, not being able to find a dish cloth the cue being long etc. Even before we worked out what was wrong with her I found just letting her vent and not engaging to be the only really effective method of dealing with her anger. Different people require different approaches but you can normally workout how to deal with people.
Snarkzie, you're right. My mom has borderline personality disorder, not engaging and just letting her yell it out, even if it hurts me, is the only way I've been able to live with her
Load More Replies...The best advice I ever learnt was just to let angry people shout and vent. They won't listen to anything until they feel like they've got out what they need to, and very few people can maintain that level of anger for more than 30 seconds, especially if they're shouting (obviously there are some exceptions to that rule). If you try and talk to someone while they're mid-rant, it just fuels their anger if they feel like you're not listening to them or giving them a chance to finish. Wait until they're done and then you can usually have a more productive conversation, and it also works well if you acknowledge their feelings eg "I can hear that you're angry about the situation.......". Plus, they also look like douches if they're shouting at someone calmly and patiently listening to them, and that's sometimes satisfying in itself.
No, it really begins with this dude's first advice. Is it about you or isn't it? Is there something you did that started it off, own it. Most people really don't get that most mistakes are not intentional. But they are still mistakes. And they still can hurt. So, for example, you turn around and you step on someone's toe. Maybe that toe already hurt from something else. That person yells out in pain and maybe adds in some strong language. You díd do something to cause the pain, and you can acknowledge that. The person in pain however shouts out because of something that is added to something that happened earlier. So if you acknowledge your mistake, they can acknowledge the fact that the total amount of pain is not your fault, nor was it your intention. Now translate to most (seemingly unreasonable) interactions and all of a sudden it changes dramatically. And usually, it's not just the toe that was hurting. It's more of a total leg thing, so everything that touches that, hurts more than it would someone without that pain to start out with.
Load More Replies...Some people, and this is true especially for the ones who feel they're above you, for whatever reason, will exercise their anger by asking you questions. Don't answer them. They say they wanna hear reasons, but really they're just making you provide them with things to use against you. They really don't want answers, and often times they're really just deceiving themselves as well. Keep quiet, especially if they interrupt you when you actually try to answer. If the conflict remains unsolved, it's better to give it time, maybe take notes of your thoughts and then compile an official letter addressing the subject issue. Don't be afraid to ask advice from someone you trust.
I stay calm for the lulz. One day a woman complained about me that I had kindly wished her a good day.
I worked in a callcenter a while ago. I once had a caller who absolutely escalated because 1. the previous call center agent was loud and abusive and therefore absolutely unprofessional (correct if this was true). The second reason was because I had remained calm and professional, which meant that i would give a f*ck for his complaint. Because of his behavior I could understand very well if the first colleague was loud. In a 15 minute conversation, the caller was unwilling to give the reason for his complaint and kept offensive and aggressive from the very first Minute to the last one no matter how many times I've apologized and tried to help him.
This def doesn’t work w/ narcissists, I’m currently texting my sister who is getting more and more upset bc I didn’t respond to a text exactly how she wanted me to. A difference of opinion is like a personal disrespect, it’s wild.
I'm so sorry you go through that. My wife's sister insists on calling. Then only talks about herself, puts down my wife, and gets upset my wife "never talks to her" when she tries to let her go.
Load More Replies...My ex used to tell me to laugh at him bcuz of how stupid he must have looked when he got angry. I tried it, and the laughter was not contagious. He got mad, broke something, and then would try to use it against me. I said he told me to do that. He denied it. I'd always be calm with him, and he'd get madder. He wanted me to argue back. I think he wanted an excuse so he could raise a hand to me and maybe one day hit me. I left before it got that far.
My dad has a different strategy if someone is angry and screaming at him he would tell them to write down what they are upset about for proof half the people calm instantly and other half who is zealous forget when they write why they were shouting. If my dad is angry himself he instantly start writing. It takes your mind off of the issue.
It is all fun and games, till the tiktok professor (😶) or one of his "students" gets punched in the face.
I've found that going through steps like the ones noted above are a good way to figure out who is angry for reasons like misinterpretation/miscommunication and who is very purposefully being angry because for some reason or another they've chosen *you* as their anger-sink.
Remaining calm can piss them off more because it makes it seem dismissive.
I’ve always had the fortunate ability to keep very calm the crazier things (or people) around me get. Not sure how as I’m a passionate person but it helps others calm down eventually…
The more angry my mom gets, the more calm I get. It drives her insane. But she deserves it when she's accusing me of something I did NOT do, which is 99.9% of the time. She's gonna stroke out one of these days.
Is their anger justified? Well if you believe the world revolves around you and others should adjust to you, then you should look at what you did.
See, you are taking the pov that will escalate anything. Sometimes, even unintentionally, you hurt people. And you set them off because the subject is something touchy to them. The only thing is to understand that everyone can have a different world view and that you too can be the cause of anger. If you stay calm and own your mistakes, you can have a conversation about it. It all depends on how important that person is. But writing everyone off before you even know what it's about, is exactly the problem of so so many things escalating. You are also not the center of the universe ya know.
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