“I’ve Felt Sick”: Guy Asks For Advice After Discovering His GF Had A Family And Kept It Secret
Honesty is the main building block of a good relationship. Partners have to trust each other in order for it to work. Unfortunately, it’s common for people to keep secrets from loved ones. In some cases, it’s an obstacle couples manage to work through. In others, it can be a dealbreaker.
One guy hit a pretty big bump on the road of his relationship. Just as he was planning to propose to his girlfriend, some startling new information came to light. After the initial devastation, he went to r/relationships to ask for some advice. Read on to see what the big twist was and what guidance the internet gave the poor guy.
In a perfect relationship, there should be no secrets between you and your significant other
Image credits: Gustavo Fring (not the actual photo)
This guy realized he knew nothing about the last five years of his girlfriend’s life, just as he was planning to propose
Image credits: Andrew Neel (not the actual photo)
Image source: throw212awaay
Should a partner know every little detail about your past?
Well, that depends. Marriage.com writes that telling your partner about your past relationships or marriages can be beneficial. “It gives them an idea of who you are, what was missing in your past relationship, and what baggage you’re carrying from it.”
The downside to having this conversation can be retroactive jealousy. It’s when a person is jealous of their partner’s past. “Retroactive jealousy tends to be unfounded,” Hope Gillette writes for PsychCentral. Some relationships might not survive retroactive jealousy. But if couples commit to try and communicate honestly, it can work.
Sharing a difficult time in your past might be hard, especially if it was traumatic. But keeping things secret might negatively affect the trust level in the relationship. It’s important to tell your partner things that might influence your future.
While sexual history in general can remain a private matter, your partner should know the more serious issues. For example, if there have been infertility issues or sexual trauma.
Marriage.com also recommends telling your partner about serious relationships and why they ended. There’s no need to get into intimate details, but it gives the significant other a glance into what kind of person you were and what you learned.
The when and the how: best ways to start the conversation about your relationship history
Timing is a big factor when talking about past marriages and kids. California State University psychology professor Dr. Kelly Campbell recommends addressing the question on the first date. “People don’t have to force the topic, but whenever prior relationships naturally come up in the conversation, they should mention their divorce.”
However, it can be different when you’re grieving, especially if it’s a child you’ve lost. Managing your expectations can be important. Everyone grieves differently, and people can react to the topic of death in different ways as well.
“It’s natural for someone who’s relatively new to your life to not know exactly what to say when they hear such sad news, and that’s something to be prepared for,” Empathy writes.
Before having that conversation, it’s completely acceptable to set some boundaries. The partner may ask some questions that may be triggering – not with malicious intent, but still. It’s okay to say, “I don’t want to talk about this or that.” If they refuse to drop it, that’s possibly a very bright red flag.
From the perspective of the new partner – how does one approach this issue?
This is a topic that few of us ever face in our lives and no one teaches that in school. So how should a partner act if their girlfriend or boyfriend is mourning the loss of a child?
Still Standing Magazine has some tips for how to love someone who’s grieving their child. “Grief is not short-lived,” they write, so be prepared to practice patience. Those grieving a child will find a way to live with it, but they will never stop missing them. Keep in mind that this will be a lifelong challenge and don’t demand they “get over it already.”
Active listening is another suggestion. Let your partner get their feelings and frustration out. Don’t interrupt and resist the urge to offer opinions. Just truly listen and let your partner know you’re here.
Also, don’t be afraid to remember the one that passed away. Let your partner know that the child is not forgotten: celebrate birthdays, Mother’s or Father’s Day, if they want. Give the gift of remembering – it’s the greatest gift you can give.
The OP got lots of advice from the commenters on how to approach this difficult conversation with his girlfriend
The OP also posted an update after receiving all the advice. Warning – you might want to get your tissues ready
Image source: throw212awaay
Gosh. I did not expect to cry today. Poor woman. I‘ve lost a child too. Lucky for me, my daughter died shortly before birth, so I did not ever know her and did not form that bond and create memories. I always said I was lucky in that way. I cannot imagine what I would do, if I lost my kids now. They are 8 and 4. I think I could not go on for a while….. I am happy for this woman too. She found someone, who loves her. They understand each other and I am sure they will have a happy life and a beautiful family and future together. I knew she wasn‘t manipulating him the moment he mentioned that she „did not like“ the name of her deceased child. I could not imagine naming a new child the same name my other child had.
With my first, I had a pretty simple plan of what I'd do if she was gone: die. Plain and simple. With the second, this is no longer an Option. A fact that truly scares the hell out of me, cause now I'd have to find a way to survive, and I have absolutely no idea how parents do that (and incredible respect for those who choose the hard way, to survive)
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They've been together for a year and a half (which is nothing) and he expected to know everything about her?
A past marriage and the death of a child is not something to gloss over, its not like she wasn't telling him what her favorite color is.
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Never had one, yet, but I do know that losing a child, hits pretty hard. My grandma, God rest her soul, lost 3 of her 5 kids. After the 2nd passing, my birth was the only thing keeping her sane, as it happened 3 months after the death. She never liked to talk about it, but sometimes she would tear up and tell me she was lucky I was born at that time. That always broke me down, seeing her like that. Even after my 3rd uncle passed away, she would not speak about the situations, but I tried being there for her, knowing what she had told me. I wanted her to see me by her side and remember I'm still there, as I was 30 years prior. I miss her..... and my uncle....
Gosh. I did not expect to cry today. Poor woman. I‘ve lost a child too. Lucky for me, my daughter died shortly before birth, so I did not ever know her and did not form that bond and create memories. I always said I was lucky in that way. I cannot imagine what I would do, if I lost my kids now. They are 8 and 4. I think I could not go on for a while….. I am happy for this woman too. She found someone, who loves her. They understand each other and I am sure they will have a happy life and a beautiful family and future together. I knew she wasn‘t manipulating him the moment he mentioned that she „did not like“ the name of her deceased child. I could not imagine naming a new child the same name my other child had.
With my first, I had a pretty simple plan of what I'd do if she was gone: die. Plain and simple. With the second, this is no longer an Option. A fact that truly scares the hell out of me, cause now I'd have to find a way to survive, and I have absolutely no idea how parents do that (and incredible respect for those who choose the hard way, to survive)
Load More Replies... They've been together for a year and a half (which is nothing) and he expected to know everything about her?
A past marriage and the death of a child is not something to gloss over, its not like she wasn't telling him what her favorite color is.
Load More Replies... Never had one, yet, but I do know that losing a child, hits pretty hard. My grandma, God rest her soul, lost 3 of her 5 kids. After the 2nd passing, my birth was the only thing keeping her sane, as it happened 3 months after the death. She never liked to talk about it, but sometimes she would tear up and tell me she was lucky I was born at that time. That always broke me down, seeing her like that. Even after my 3rd uncle passed away, she would not speak about the situations, but I tried being there for her, knowing what she had told me. I wanted her to see me by her side and remember I'm still there, as I was 30 years prior. I miss her..... and my uncle....
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