Dad Done Seeing Elder Daughter Suffer Over Her Disabled Sister, Gets Her A Kitten, Drama Ensues
Pets can be a true blessing to a family. They help us strengthen our bonds, teach the kids responsibility, and provide additional opportunities for play and exercise.
However, under the wrong circumstances, animals can also become a source of stress.
Which is exactly what happened to Redditor Then-Yoghurt-6322 and his home. In an honest post on the subreddit ‘Am I the [Jerk]?‘, the dad explained that despite his best intentions, a kitten that he got for his eldest child has added a considerable amount of destruction to their everyday life.
This man got a kitten to make his daughter happy
Image credits: Alena Darmel / pexels (not the actual photo)
However, the little one’s joy might come at the mom’s expense
Image credits: Caleb Woods / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Trym Nilsen / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Joe Cleary / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Then-Yoghurt-6322
You have to think about the big picture when considering a family pet
Image credits: Yerlin Matu / unsplash (not the actual photo)
According to experts from the American Veterinary Medical Association (AVMA), a non-profit representing more than 105,000 vets in the US, everyone who thinks about introducing a furry, feathery, or other companion to their family needs to ask themselves a few very important questions:
- Can you afford the costs of caring for your pet? Some species or breeds of pets have special needs that may require additional expenses, including (but not limited to) food, housing, socialization, exercise, grooming, and veterinary care, so you have to make sure you can afford and are willing and able to provide them.
- How long will you be away from your pet? Do you work long hours or travel frequently? Some pets need more frequent exercise or feeding, and might not be a good choice for families who spend a lot of time away from home.
- Who will care for your pet in your absence? Consider not just short-term absences, but also plan for the long run.
- What future changes might occur in your living situation that would affect your ability to keep your pet in years to come? You would be committing to that animal for their entire life, so consider what you will do with it if you find another job, move, or change your life in some other way.
- Do local laws or your housing arrangement limit your choice of pet? If you rent, your landlord may restrict the type or number of pets you can have. Similarly, condominium and townhouse associations may also have limits put in place. If you live in a city, your choice of pet may be very different from your choice if you lived in the suburbs or the country.
- Are you able to provide the amount of attention your pet will need? Again, different species and breeds of animals have certain needs for companionship and attention that vary widely from others.
- Do you already have any pets? If so, will your current companion accept another one joining the pack?
- What are you looking for in a pet? Do you want a lap warmer or a running buddy? A pet that’s easy to care for or one that looks (and also acts) like a ballroom dancer? If you have young children, a pet that’s active at night would not be as good a choice as one that is active during the day. There are so many aspects that can affect your choice.
Clearly, there are many factors that influence this decision, and while we don’t know the entire picture, it sounds like the dad behind the post might’ve focused too much on one — pleasing his older daughter. That, of course, is a noble cause but maybe he could’ve found other ways to bring more joy to her life.
After all, approximately 3.2 million cats enter shelters across the US every year. We should be doing everything we can not to contribute to that number.
People who read the story believe the dad should’ve listened to his wife more
This was year ago and OP updated to say a couple of days later younger daughter pushed older daughter down the stairs and Mum blamed it on the older daughter. Dad took older daughter and kitten to a hotel and they're getting divorced. Mum had refused all suggestions like respite care or residential for violent daughter. So it ends with kitten and older daughter safe
Thank you for posting this! It’s tragic, but I was afraid the story would end with a dead kitten.
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ESH. Yes, getting that kitten wasn't the brightest of ideas, but at least he is trying to make his eldest daughter feel seen, if only for a moment. I get that dealing with a special needs child can be extremely challenging, but that doesn't mean his daughter's 'non-special' needs are not needs, and it sounds like mom is so overwhelmed that she has forgotten that. (edit, spelling)
I think he can easily commit to taking care of the kitten (1x/year vet, 1x/day litterbox water and dry food topup, 1x/week litterbox clean), no burden to her. Keeping it safe and entertained while older sibling in school however??
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Never, ever, bring a pet into an environment in which it is not safe and wanted by everyone involved!
Good news is that apparently the dad got divorced from the mom because the older sister got pushed down the stairs by the younger one, and the mom blamed the older sister for it. Dad now lives with the eldest and the kitten separately.
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I am concerned for the kittens safety, but in reality as far as work goes, cats are low maintenance. A 7 year old would be more than capable of feeding a cat and cleaning it's litter. I don't understand all the YTA replies at all. The dad is right, the kid deserves some happiness. Sounds like she's pretty much just told no and left with scraps due to her high needs sibling
agree, as long as the kitten was a few months old and litter box trained, the daughter should be able to take care of feeding and watering it and cleaning the litter box. It's usually best to have that conversation with the child first before buying the pet.
Load More Replies... The nonverbal violent kid needs to be in a 24 hour care home not in a family home where she’s a menace causing angst to her sister and constantly making the mum “too tired to care for anyone else”. Either commit her so she gets pro help and isn’t hurting others or herself or dad take the eldest child and her kitten and peace out. Mum seems like she secretly likes being the “only one who can handle” the violent one , she wants that martyr savior complex . It’s sad the kids born this way but it’s sad there’s another child she’s sacrificing happiness for as well. Glad dad gets it.
Exactly. Youngest daughter will just make the mom stressed and tired because she puts all her attention on the youngest whilst basically ignoring the oldest. Mom can’t keep up so the youngest gets harder to deal with. It’s a cycle.
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What a mess! They all need professional help. I‘m sorry this is in the US. It would be easier in other places. I‘m guessing they can‘t afford any outside help, if he is working so much and has none already. Poor big sister, poor mother.
Under no circumstances should you bring an animal, especially a baby one, into a home with someone prone to violent outbursts. The psychological damage that can do to an animal can take months to undo. How do I know? I was an animal welfare officer for 20 years and one of my duties was rehabilitation.
WOW! All these comments about the OP being the a*****e, the poor mom, and the kitten. Um, so the eldest daughter should just suck it up then and be a second fiddle and miserable. And I can bet you a dollar when she's old enough, she'll be forced into helping to take care of her little sister, adding even more s**t on her. The OP meant well and was trying to do something for the one little person ALL of the trolls neglected in their condemnations. I feel sorry for the eldest daughter because she will be the one even more f****d-up in the end.
Everyone saying OP is TAH is bewildering to me. He should have handled it better, but he clearly saw a problem developing with his older daughter and wanted to show her that she matters. The mother is obviously dealing with the younger daughter all day and is exhausted so I'm not criticising her, but if options like respite care have been offered and she's refused, she has to accept the responsibility for her choices. Her older daughter doesn't seem to figure in her thinking, and that's very damaging.
Problem is he tried putting a bandaid on a bullet wound. He unintentionally made the situation worse and put an innocent animal in danger. I wouldn't say he's an AH but it was clearly to little to late as the update stated he was going to divorce his wife after the autistic daughter pushed the older one down the stairs and mom blamed the older daughter.
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This could be easily remedied by keeping the kitten in a sprayed part of the house when the older child is away at school. People who work get animals all the time and they are left alone for a large part of the day. I was the middle child with two demanding brothers and it's taken almost 40 years to hear an apology for being neglected. I would have been much worse off if I hadn't had my animals to make me feel loved. Kudos to Dad for getting his child out of that situation and trying to give her a little joy.
I'm autistic myself and have a pretty nasty temper, but I've seen and heard about the violent rages some fellow autistic people can fly into, and it can be goddamn *scary*. A friend told me of someone they knew whose daughter was autistic, and at one point the mother had to lock herself in the car with her infant while the daughter - who was large and very strong - viciously tried to bash her way in to get at them. And there really wasn't anything they could do about it, because autism isn't something you can "cure". So while giving the other daughter a kitten was a sweet gesture, it was clearly also really poorly thought out. I'm just glad it had a semi-happy ending and that she and the kitten are safe. And as far as my perspective as an autistic person goes... the world can be an incredibly hostile and confusing place for us. No doubt even more so when we're unable to speak and express our feelings that way. So I'm not surprised that my nonverbal fellows snap and lash out.
Agreed. I have ADHD and likely autism (planning on getting assessed, and kinda self diagnosed after careful research), and believe me I just FLY off the handle. But I’ve only gotten physical two times in my life. Both was when I was being bullied, and it was push just hard enough to land them on their asses. Like, those were moments of just completely SNAPPING because of bullying. Even then, I wouldn’t dare do something to legitimately hurt them!
Load More Replies... Of course NTA , don't be ridiculous. He is buying a cat for a daughter who is absolutely desperate for it , and cats are easy to keep alive since the girl can do most of the work and animals often help autistic people so it might be good for the other girl as well.
Personally I'm more worried about the kitten than the humans involved in this story. When the sister damages toys and has awful meltdowns, I doubt she'll stop for a living being. It does remind me of a situation I knew when I was a kid. A few roads away was a family with two kids, one having some sort of mental deficiency and one being normal. The older kid, the deficient one, was extremely aggressive, but the parents (Turkish immigrants with bad jobs, my mother sometimes helped them) couldn't afford a caretaker or staying at home more. This led to the boy being locked into the empty backroom of the basement for a lot of time since simply nobody could handle him and he'd both make his mother's and sister's life miserable by being absolutely out of control, hitting them and throwing things (I wasn't allowed to walk past their house when he was out because he was known to throw rocks at people). The boy eventually died (though a seizure caused by his deficient brain, I am not sure what it had but it declined over the years, also increasing his aggressions) and the rest of the family moved into a better place after that. Never saw them again. Sometimes I wonder if he died locked in that basement, or if the parents and sister felt relief or guilt since he was finally gone. It was a different time, giving a child away to a states facility was frowned upon, leading to this miserable situation.
"Personally I'm more worried about the kitten than the humans involved in this story." Yes, so much I think it bears repeating.
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I'm currently watching my granddaughter going through a similar situation. Her brother was born with mild cerebral palsy that slowed his development. Now he has also been diagnosed with autism. Anytime he acts out it gets blamed on this, and he basically gets a pass. All the attention is focused on him, and she constantly has to take a back seat. I love both of them dearly, but I sympathize with her. Growing up I had a similar situation. Back then there was no such thing as autism or ADHD. Kids were just brats. My brother would have been diagnosed with both as well as being a sociopath. My family's focus was usually on what trouble he had gotten into this time and how they were going to deal with it. For the most part they chose to ignore it hoping it was a phase he would grow out of. Well 2 prison sentences and a dishonorable discharge proved this was not the right approach. I hope that my grandson gets the help he needs but that my granddaughter also gets the attention she deserves.
Look at all these ARSEHOLES blasting the poor dad with YTA. These ARSES would rather the 7 year old child live a miserable childhood and grow up hating her parents than dealing with 1 cat to bring the child some joy in an otherwise miserable existence. WTF is wrong with these women YTA’ing the poor dad? The problem is the MOTHER hating on her 7 year old and wanting her to be miserable living in the shadows.
The YTA is because he expects the mother to take care of the cat, on top of everything else, while he farks off to work. He keeps talking about the mother being alone, as though she were a single mother. How many hours does he work in a week, that he can never take his older daughter to a play date?
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I'm glad dad and oldest daughter and kitty got away from the mess.. Wife doesn't seem open to any ideas other than her own. Having a violent and spoiled kid in the house is no treat for the mom, but even less so for an innocent 7yd old. Good Dad! Edit to add: I had a pet when I was 7, no problems with taking care of it myself!
I sympathize with the dad, he’s really trying and he has good intentions, but putting an innocent, clueless animal in the house with overworked parents and a potentially violent child, is a terrible idea.
NTA, keep the kitten. Have it as an indoor/outdoor cat so no one has to clean litterbixes and essentially socialization and feeding are the only hard requirements. Yes I've had both indoor and indoor/outdoor cats. The daughter is going to focus on the cat as much as the cat can handle, and also the cat won't be able to get trapped by the younger daughter, it can go outside if it needs to. It's only a relatively small amount of work for a lot of joy. You should look I to getting care relief, lots of non-profit/charities will help you source it and even write grants for you. Many have respite care and even respite retreats for families and there are summer camps and activities for siblings of profoundly disabled children. They usually link up, so reaching out to one or two, they will usually make sure you find support with the right organization.
Oh yes make sure the cat gets hit by a car instead of by the sister. That's always a great idea.
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Are you all crazy. A kitten barely gives any work. And in the long term, it will bring a lot of joy and comfort for the whole family. A dog is high maintenance. A cat, really not so much. I had 3 cats, we had maybe 15 kittens over the years. Never been a problem.(back then spaying was not the norm). You did solid daddying.
The people saying yta need to chill. This man is trying to help his daughter who has had her entire life overshadowed by her baby sister's needs. A kitten is pretty easy to take care of
I don't understand this. You can get a kitten BECAUSE of a kid, without giving the kitten solely TO a kid. I've never known a pet to belong to any individual; it was always the family pet.
NTA. I am sorry for all that your wife goes through, but we are talking about a child! A child who needs to be a child. She deserves to have a pet to love. Who knows what love she gets at home, she probably feels invisible. The father did the right thing. I can’t believe all the people who are all for the mom and not for a small child who deserves a great childhood. You go dad!
This was a bad decision and short-term YTA, but they need another situation for the younger daughter. The parents can’t or aren’t handling it and the older daughter is being neglected. If Mom refuses help that’s another whole problem, because both she and the younger girl need it.
OP is not TA. I had 2 special needs kids, one with autism and violent outbursts. My other kids suffered a lot from my having to always be o high alert with these two - it wasn't the kids fault there was a device between them it was the reality of having children with high needs. My other kids had cats and a dog, this helped them so much in the emotional support they weren't getting from me. Still my kids went no contact because even with support pets my children missed out on too much. Dpecual needs kids take up so much space NT kids always miss out even when parents try their hardest to be balanced. To hear the update that the mum didn't see the damage the autistic child was causing is a clear indication of the tunnel vision so many of these parents get. Dad has done the right thing leaving mum in order to protect hus elder daughter. This is a situation where no one wins, but safety must come first
My sister is treated like this because of her medical conditions and allergies. While my mom tells me that if I ever roll my eyes at her again (I didn't) she will rip them out and throw them out the window. She is not like this towards my sister.
Normally I'm all for the "no pet unless everyone agrees". But hey guys who call Dad TA, how about YOU put all your life on hold for someone else. Did the older daughter agree to have a disabled sister? Or a sister at all? It **IS** the parents who have to suffer in this setting! Not any of the kids. Mom doesn't want to give her younger child into care, and professional carers aren't an option apparently. Good. Then Mum (and Dad) have to foot the bill. YOU. DO. NOT. MAKE. A. CHILD. PAY. FOR. HAVING. A. DISABLED. SIBLING. FFS, so many heartless monsters out there. Or is it because the elder child is a girl and good old sexism is raising its head? I will agree with those who worry about the cat, I just assumed there were arrangements made (because that's what you do in general when you get a pet).
NTA, absolutely. I sympathize with the wife, but she is making one of the oldest and most common parent mistakes in history - neglecting one sibling because of the other. And no, the autism isn't an excuse to pretend your other child doesn't exist! She does exist and she has needs of her own. What's the plan - neglect her until she develops some kind of disorder of her own? And what's with the people asking the husband "what do you do to help her"? He is the only one in the household who works and earns money. Isn't that enough help?
They're too hard on him. He's seeing his daughter being neglected and feels helpless to do anything. Maybe a kitten wasn't the best idea, but he meant well, and he's doing something really important by showing the older girl that she matters, too. The mother's actions are setting the older daughter up for major CPTSD.
Other than getting the cat, he doesn’t mention that he *is* trying to do anything. Unless I missed that part of the story?
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I'm very disturbed by these comments about the younger daughter. I need you to know that the girl is not violent because she is autistic. ASD does not make you violent. This little girl sounds unrestrained. ASD has become a catch-all for her bad behavior. Please read and learn about Autism Spectrum Disorder from all kinds of Autistic people. They are a varied and interesting group of people. They are worth getting to know.
I don't pretend to know ANYTHING about Austism, especially in non-verbal young children. I understand that the child can't verbally express her frustrations. But have the parents, BOTH of them, made any attempts to teach the youngest daughter manners and how to non-verbally express the frustration? Aren't there electronic boards that a child can be taught to use that have words and phrases that speak for them? Sounds like the wife is the only one that tries to do any of this, and daddy just wants to be a hero. I would be afraid, like many others have said, that any animal in that house could be unintentionally hurt by the Autistic child. OP is the AH.
OP and the wife got divorced and the eldest and kitten lives with him now
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“ My wife is a SAHM and I work long hours.” Wow, so getting your daughter a kitten really was just one more thing that mom has to deal with. But 5yo should be up in a care facility, mom needs to wake up. ESH
OP and the wife got divorced and the eldest and kitten lives with him now. Basically the wife blamed the eldest daughter for getting pushed down the stairs by her sister. So all and all the kitten and daughter are safe :>
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Another human thinking that an animal is a toy. Instead hiring any kind of help for his wife or cleaning person he's just bought a kitten. Elder girl deserves more attention but buying gifts will not resolve this problem.
According to another commenter, the wife refuses to get help. I don't know if she mistrusts others, feels guilt and is punishing herself, or is too stressed to think straight or all of these and more.
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This sounds like an environment that isn't safe for the elder daughter, or the kitten. In addition to being incredibly hard on the mother as the primary carer. This is not a sustainable situation, and it's going to get worse as the child gets stronger, if there isn't a change in how her behaviour is managed. YTA for bringing a kitten into it. YTA for leaving so much of a burden on the wife. YTA for not doing more to protect/support the elder child. It's an impossible situation for everyone, but adding a kitten is not going to fix things in any way. Yes, the kid gets a few moments of joy, but it's offset by the reality that this is going to be a cause of ongoing conflict, and the kitten may well be injured or killed, which will be devestating.
OP and the wife got divorced and the eldest and kitten lives with him now
Load More Replies... He and the wife got divorced because the wife is a shítty mother to the eldest. As in the eldest got pushed down the stairs by her sister and mom blamed her for it.
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That's...not true at all. This is a kitten that's been removed from its mother and siblings to hopefully be placed in a safe, loving home. Kittens need care, attention, a minimal amount of litterbox training, toys to teach them not to scratch up furniture, flea and tick medicine, and regular vet checkups. You can't just toss them outside when they're inconvenient. This kitten is being put into a potentially violent situation, basically to appease this father's guilt. I get he wants his daughter to have some happiness, but this isn't the way.
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Are you okay? There's something wrong if this upsets you that much.
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This was year ago and OP updated to say a couple of days later younger daughter pushed older daughter down the stairs and Mum blamed it on the older daughter. Dad took older daughter and kitten to a hotel and they're getting divorced. Mum had refused all suggestions like respite care or residential for violent daughter. So it ends with kitten and older daughter safe
Thank you for posting this! It’s tragic, but I was afraid the story would end with a dead kitten.
Load More Replies... ESH. Yes, getting that kitten wasn't the brightest of ideas, but at least he is trying to make his eldest daughter feel seen, if only for a moment. I get that dealing with a special needs child can be extremely challenging, but that doesn't mean his daughter's 'non-special' needs are not needs, and it sounds like mom is so overwhelmed that she has forgotten that. (edit, spelling)
I think he can easily commit to taking care of the kitten (1x/year vet, 1x/day litterbox water and dry food topup, 1x/week litterbox clean), no burden to her. Keeping it safe and entertained while older sibling in school however??
Load More Replies... Never, ever, bring a pet into an environment in which it is not safe and wanted by everyone involved!
Good news is that apparently the dad got divorced from the mom because the older sister got pushed down the stairs by the younger one, and the mom blamed the older sister for it. Dad now lives with the eldest and the kitten separately.
Load More Replies... I am concerned for the kittens safety, but in reality as far as work goes, cats are low maintenance. A 7 year old would be more than capable of feeding a cat and cleaning it's litter. I don't understand all the YTA replies at all. The dad is right, the kid deserves some happiness. Sounds like she's pretty much just told no and left with scraps due to her high needs sibling
agree, as long as the kitten was a few months old and litter box trained, the daughter should be able to take care of feeding and watering it and cleaning the litter box. It's usually best to have that conversation with the child first before buying the pet.
Load More Replies... The nonverbal violent kid needs to be in a 24 hour care home not in a family home where she’s a menace causing angst to her sister and constantly making the mum “too tired to care for anyone else”. Either commit her so she gets pro help and isn’t hurting others or herself or dad take the eldest child and her kitten and peace out. Mum seems like she secretly likes being the “only one who can handle” the violent one , she wants that martyr savior complex . It’s sad the kids born this way but it’s sad there’s another child she’s sacrificing happiness for as well. Glad dad gets it.
Exactly. Youngest daughter will just make the mom stressed and tired because she puts all her attention on the youngest whilst basically ignoring the oldest. Mom can’t keep up so the youngest gets harder to deal with. It’s a cycle.
Load More Replies... What a mess! They all need professional help. I‘m sorry this is in the US. It would be easier in other places. I‘m guessing they can‘t afford any outside help, if he is working so much and has none already. Poor big sister, poor mother.
Under no circumstances should you bring an animal, especially a baby one, into a home with someone prone to violent outbursts. The psychological damage that can do to an animal can take months to undo. How do I know? I was an animal welfare officer for 20 years and one of my duties was rehabilitation.
WOW! All these comments about the OP being the a*****e, the poor mom, and the kitten. Um, so the eldest daughter should just suck it up then and be a second fiddle and miserable. And I can bet you a dollar when she's old enough, she'll be forced into helping to take care of her little sister, adding even more s**t on her. The OP meant well and was trying to do something for the one little person ALL of the trolls neglected in their condemnations. I feel sorry for the eldest daughter because she will be the one even more f****d-up in the end.
Everyone saying OP is TAH is bewildering to me. He should have handled it better, but he clearly saw a problem developing with his older daughter and wanted to show her that she matters. The mother is obviously dealing with the younger daughter all day and is exhausted so I'm not criticising her, but if options like respite care have been offered and she's refused, she has to accept the responsibility for her choices. Her older daughter doesn't seem to figure in her thinking, and that's very damaging.
Problem is he tried putting a bandaid on a bullet wound. He unintentionally made the situation worse and put an innocent animal in danger. I wouldn't say he's an AH but it was clearly to little to late as the update stated he was going to divorce his wife after the autistic daughter pushed the older one down the stairs and mom blamed the older daughter.
Load More Replies... This could be easily remedied by keeping the kitten in a sprayed part of the house when the older child is away at school. People who work get animals all the time and they are left alone for a large part of the day. I was the middle child with two demanding brothers and it's taken almost 40 years to hear an apology for being neglected. I would have been much worse off if I hadn't had my animals to make me feel loved. Kudos to Dad for getting his child out of that situation and trying to give her a little joy.
I'm autistic myself and have a pretty nasty temper, but I've seen and heard about the violent rages some fellow autistic people can fly into, and it can be goddamn *scary*. A friend told me of someone they knew whose daughter was autistic, and at one point the mother had to lock herself in the car with her infant while the daughter - who was large and very strong - viciously tried to bash her way in to get at them. And there really wasn't anything they could do about it, because autism isn't something you can "cure". So while giving the other daughter a kitten was a sweet gesture, it was clearly also really poorly thought out. I'm just glad it had a semi-happy ending and that she and the kitten are safe. And as far as my perspective as an autistic person goes... the world can be an incredibly hostile and confusing place for us. No doubt even more so when we're unable to speak and express our feelings that way. So I'm not surprised that my nonverbal fellows snap and lash out.
Agreed. I have ADHD and likely autism (planning on getting assessed, and kinda self diagnosed after careful research), and believe me I just FLY off the handle. But I’ve only gotten physical two times in my life. Both was when I was being bullied, and it was push just hard enough to land them on their asses. Like, those were moments of just completely SNAPPING because of bullying. Even then, I wouldn’t dare do something to legitimately hurt them!
Load More Replies... Of course NTA , don't be ridiculous. He is buying a cat for a daughter who is absolutely desperate for it , and cats are easy to keep alive since the girl can do most of the work and animals often help autistic people so it might be good for the other girl as well.
Personally I'm more worried about the kitten than the humans involved in this story. When the sister damages toys and has awful meltdowns, I doubt she'll stop for a living being. It does remind me of a situation I knew when I was a kid. A few roads away was a family with two kids, one having some sort of mental deficiency and one being normal. The older kid, the deficient one, was extremely aggressive, but the parents (Turkish immigrants with bad jobs, my mother sometimes helped them) couldn't afford a caretaker or staying at home more. This led to the boy being locked into the empty backroom of the basement for a lot of time since simply nobody could handle him and he'd both make his mother's and sister's life miserable by being absolutely out of control, hitting them and throwing things (I wasn't allowed to walk past their house when he was out because he was known to throw rocks at people). The boy eventually died (though a seizure caused by his deficient brain, I am not sure what it had but it declined over the years, also increasing his aggressions) and the rest of the family moved into a better place after that. Never saw them again. Sometimes I wonder if he died locked in that basement, or if the parents and sister felt relief or guilt since he was finally gone. It was a different time, giving a child away to a states facility was frowned upon, leading to this miserable situation.
"Personally I'm more worried about the kitten than the humans involved in this story." Yes, so much I think it bears repeating.
Load More Replies... I'm currently watching my granddaughter going through a similar situation. Her brother was born with mild cerebral palsy that slowed his development. Now he has also been diagnosed with autism. Anytime he acts out it gets blamed on this, and he basically gets a pass. All the attention is focused on him, and she constantly has to take a back seat. I love both of them dearly, but I sympathize with her. Growing up I had a similar situation. Back then there was no such thing as autism or ADHD. Kids were just brats. My brother would have been diagnosed with both as well as being a sociopath. My family's focus was usually on what trouble he had gotten into this time and how they were going to deal with it. For the most part they chose to ignore it hoping it was a phase he would grow out of. Well 2 prison sentences and a dishonorable discharge proved this was not the right approach. I hope that my grandson gets the help he needs but that my granddaughter also gets the attention she deserves.
Look at all these ARSEHOLES blasting the poor dad with YTA. These ARSES would rather the 7 year old child live a miserable childhood and grow up hating her parents than dealing with 1 cat to bring the child some joy in an otherwise miserable existence. WTF is wrong with these women YTA’ing the poor dad? The problem is the MOTHER hating on her 7 year old and wanting her to be miserable living in the shadows.
The YTA is because he expects the mother to take care of the cat, on top of everything else, while he farks off to work. He keeps talking about the mother being alone, as though she were a single mother. How many hours does he work in a week, that he can never take his older daughter to a play date?
Load More Replies... I'm glad dad and oldest daughter and kitty got away from the mess.. Wife doesn't seem open to any ideas other than her own. Having a violent and spoiled kid in the house is no treat for the mom, but even less so for an innocent 7yd old. Good Dad! Edit to add: I had a pet when I was 7, no problems with taking care of it myself!
I sympathize with the dad, he’s really trying and he has good intentions, but putting an innocent, clueless animal in the house with overworked parents and a potentially violent child, is a terrible idea.
NTA, keep the kitten. Have it as an indoor/outdoor cat so no one has to clean litterbixes and essentially socialization and feeding are the only hard requirements. Yes I've had both indoor and indoor/outdoor cats. The daughter is going to focus on the cat as much as the cat can handle, and also the cat won't be able to get trapped by the younger daughter, it can go outside if it needs to. It's only a relatively small amount of work for a lot of joy. You should look I to getting care relief, lots of non-profit/charities will help you source it and even write grants for you. Many have respite care and even respite retreats for families and there are summer camps and activities for siblings of profoundly disabled children. They usually link up, so reaching out to one or two, they will usually make sure you find support with the right organization.
Oh yes make sure the cat gets hit by a car instead of by the sister. That's always a great idea.
Load More Replies... Are you all crazy. A kitten barely gives any work. And in the long term, it will bring a lot of joy and comfort for the whole family. A dog is high maintenance. A cat, really not so much. I had 3 cats, we had maybe 15 kittens over the years. Never been a problem.(back then spaying was not the norm). You did solid daddying.
The people saying yta need to chill. This man is trying to help his daughter who has had her entire life overshadowed by her baby sister's needs. A kitten is pretty easy to take care of
I don't understand this. You can get a kitten BECAUSE of a kid, without giving the kitten solely TO a kid. I've never known a pet to belong to any individual; it was always the family pet.
NTA. I am sorry for all that your wife goes through, but we are talking about a child! A child who needs to be a child. She deserves to have a pet to love. Who knows what love she gets at home, she probably feels invisible. The father did the right thing. I can’t believe all the people who are all for the mom and not for a small child who deserves a great childhood. You go dad!
This was a bad decision and short-term YTA, but they need another situation for the younger daughter. The parents can’t or aren’t handling it and the older daughter is being neglected. If Mom refuses help that’s another whole problem, because both she and the younger girl need it.
OP is not TA. I had 2 special needs kids, one with autism and violent outbursts. My other kids suffered a lot from my having to always be o high alert with these two - it wasn't the kids fault there was a device between them it was the reality of having children with high needs. My other kids had cats and a dog, this helped them so much in the emotional support they weren't getting from me. Still my kids went no contact because even with support pets my children missed out on too much. Dpecual needs kids take up so much space NT kids always miss out even when parents try their hardest to be balanced. To hear the update that the mum didn't see the damage the autistic child was causing is a clear indication of the tunnel vision so many of these parents get. Dad has done the right thing leaving mum in order to protect hus elder daughter. This is a situation where no one wins, but safety must come first
My sister is treated like this because of her medical conditions and allergies. While my mom tells me that if I ever roll my eyes at her again (I didn't) she will rip them out and throw them out the window. She is not like this towards my sister.
Normally I'm all for the "no pet unless everyone agrees". But hey guys who call Dad TA, how about YOU put all your life on hold for someone else. Did the older daughter agree to have a disabled sister? Or a sister at all? It **IS** the parents who have to suffer in this setting! Not any of the kids. Mom doesn't want to give her younger child into care, and professional carers aren't an option apparently. Good. Then Mum (and Dad) have to foot the bill. YOU. DO. NOT. MAKE. A. CHILD. PAY. FOR. HAVING. A. DISABLED. SIBLING. FFS, so many heartless monsters out there. Or is it because the elder child is a girl and good old sexism is raising its head? I will agree with those who worry about the cat, I just assumed there were arrangements made (because that's what you do in general when you get a pet).
NTA, absolutely. I sympathize with the wife, but she is making one of the oldest and most common parent mistakes in history - neglecting one sibling because of the other. And no, the autism isn't an excuse to pretend your other child doesn't exist! She does exist and she has needs of her own. What's the plan - neglect her until she develops some kind of disorder of her own? And what's with the people asking the husband "what do you do to help her"? He is the only one in the household who works and earns money. Isn't that enough help?
They're too hard on him. He's seeing his daughter being neglected and feels helpless to do anything. Maybe a kitten wasn't the best idea, but he meant well, and he's doing something really important by showing the older girl that she matters, too. The mother's actions are setting the older daughter up for major CPTSD.
Other than getting the cat, he doesn’t mention that he *is* trying to do anything. Unless I missed that part of the story?
Load More Replies... I'm very disturbed by these comments about the younger daughter. I need you to know that the girl is not violent because she is autistic. ASD does not make you violent. This little girl sounds unrestrained. ASD has become a catch-all for her bad behavior. Please read and learn about Autism Spectrum Disorder from all kinds of Autistic people. They are a varied and interesting group of people. They are worth getting to know.
I don't pretend to know ANYTHING about Austism, especially in non-verbal young children. I understand that the child can't verbally express her frustrations. But have the parents, BOTH of them, made any attempts to teach the youngest daughter manners and how to non-verbally express the frustration? Aren't there electronic boards that a child can be taught to use that have words and phrases that speak for them? Sounds like the wife is the only one that tries to do any of this, and daddy just wants to be a hero. I would be afraid, like many others have said, that any animal in that house could be unintentionally hurt by the Autistic child. OP is the AH.
OP and the wife got divorced and the eldest and kitten lives with him now
Load More Replies... “ My wife is a SAHM and I work long hours.” Wow, so getting your daughter a kitten really was just one more thing that mom has to deal with. But 5yo should be up in a care facility, mom needs to wake up. ESH
OP and the wife got divorced and the eldest and kitten lives with him now. Basically the wife blamed the eldest daughter for getting pushed down the stairs by her sister. So all and all the kitten and daughter are safe :>
Load More Replies... Another human thinking that an animal is a toy. Instead hiring any kind of help for his wife or cleaning person he's just bought a kitten. Elder girl deserves more attention but buying gifts will not resolve this problem.
According to another commenter, the wife refuses to get help. I don't know if she mistrusts others, feels guilt and is punishing herself, or is too stressed to think straight or all of these and more.
Load More Replies... This sounds like an environment that isn't safe for the elder daughter, or the kitten. In addition to being incredibly hard on the mother as the primary carer. This is not a sustainable situation, and it's going to get worse as the child gets stronger, if there isn't a change in how her behaviour is managed. YTA for bringing a kitten into it. YTA for leaving so much of a burden on the wife. YTA for not doing more to protect/support the elder child. It's an impossible situation for everyone, but adding a kitten is not going to fix things in any way. Yes, the kid gets a few moments of joy, but it's offset by the reality that this is going to be a cause of ongoing conflict, and the kitten may well be injured or killed, which will be devestating.
OP and the wife got divorced and the eldest and kitten lives with him now
Load More Replies... He and the wife got divorced because the wife is a shítty mother to the eldest. As in the eldest got pushed down the stairs by her sister and mom blamed her for it.
Load More Replies... That's...not true at all. This is a kitten that's been removed from its mother and siblings to hopefully be placed in a safe, loving home. Kittens need care, attention, a minimal amount of litterbox training, toys to teach them not to scratch up furniture, flea and tick medicine, and regular vet checkups. You can't just toss them outside when they're inconvenient. This kitten is being put into a potentially violent situation, basically to appease this father's guilt. I get he wants his daughter to have some happiness, but this isn't the way.
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Are you okay? There's something wrong if this upsets you that much.
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