“Am I A Jerk For Dropping Off My Stepkids With My In-Laws And Saying They’re Not My Problem?”
Becoming a single parent after the loss of your spouse is a huge adjustment. Reddit user Pitiful_Shopping_818 tried his best to be a good dad while his heart was breaking but eventually, raising 4 children on his own proved too difficult for him to handle.
This was mainly due to the problems that his two teenage stepchildren were creating. In a post on the subreddit ‘Am I the [Jerk?]‘, the widower explained that it had gotten so bad that he felt like he had to drop them off at his in-laws’ so that he could focus on his own 2 young kids.
However, when his relatives found out about it, they thought the man had made a big mistake.
Blending two families into one requires effort from everyone involved
Image credits: jm_video (not the actual photo)
And when this widower ended up alone with 4 children, he began feeling that his stepchildren were very much against it
Image credits: valeriygoncharukphoto (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Pitiful_Shopping_818
Navigating grief after such a tragedy can be incredibly challenging for the whole family
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
Adolescence is already a tumultuous period, so while people of all ages struggle with such losses, teenagers face particularly painful adaptation following the death of a loved one.
They grieve deeply but often work very hard to hide their true feelings. Fearing the vulnerability that comes with expression, teens look for distractions rather than stay with the process of grief long enough to find real relief.
Even though it might seem that these two have been acting as if nothing has happened, inside they are most probably grappling with a profound sense of confusion.
“This is a deeply upsetting time for all involved,” Bored Panda’s parenting expert Vicki Broadbent, who is also an award-winning TV broadcaster, author, and founder of the family blog Honest Mum, told us.
“I would suggest family therapy as soon as possible so that everyone can discuss their grief and the current living situation. I wouldn’t advise the stepfather or the grandparents to act in a rash way but I would suggest the dad reaches out requesting help and support from surviving family members, explaining candidly how he feels.”
Broadbent, whose books Mumboss (UK) and The Working Mom (US and Canada) offer a fresh approach to navigating parental challenges, believes that if budget allows, getting a nanny or an au pair might be a good idea to bring in some additional support too.
When you have two sets of kids that were partially raised in different households with different rules and customs, it can take a while to integrate those systems, so a certain amount of flexibility is needed on everyone’s part to make it work.
However, “everyone is hurting in this situation,” Vicki added. “It is absolutely understandable that the teens are lashing out, they’ve lost their mother. Equally, it’s understandable that the step father would feel overwhelmed in every way. As the mature adult in the situation, though, he must behave as one, ensuring the teens feel safe and secure after living with him and their late mother for so long.”
It might sound like the Redditor’s stepchildren hadn’t fully appreciated his efforts and hadn’t contributed to making their new arrangement work. But experts suggest surviving parents avoid major life shifts for about one to two years following the death of their spouse, as consistency offers a much-needed sense of security and reassurance.
“In an ideal world, they would be assured of a safe and secure environment for them right now when their world has turned upside down,” Vicki Broadbent said. “Honest but loving conversations must be had and as soon as possible. It’s a shame the teens have been separated from their younger siblings too, the whole scenario seems utterly traumatic. I hope they all receive the professional help and support they deeply require.”
As his story went viral, the man joined the discussion in its comment section
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NTA - If stepfather didn't have guardianship, or parental rights, he didn't have custody in the first place. Everyone involved - Dad, Inlaws, the step kids, is saying that Stepdad is not their father, and doesn't have the right to parent them. They don't even want him to be their school contact. He can't effectively be a parent to them under those conditions. In this situation, either they go and live with their dad, or his family, or stepdad formally gets custody, and biodad pays child support. He needs to make sure they have the option to stay in touch with their younger siblings, and give them access to their mom's things. Otherwise, there's not much he could do. The only thing he really did wrong was not opening a discussion about custody sooner and involving the stepkids.
This. The in-laws want him as a free babysitter for teens but not as a parent figure thats f****d up. If they want him to "take care of them" but not parent them i would demand payment for essentially being a live-in babysitter
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Sounds like you have responded exactly as bio dad and teens demanded. None of the 3 wanted you to be the parent; so you actively respected their wishes. NTA
NTA The loss of a parent is not an excuse to be an ahole. My brothers and I (4b, 9b, 13me) lost a parent and did not turn into aholes. I've known other kids who suffered the same loss and they did not become aholes either. I believe the stepdad made the appropriate move for the teens.
Sounds like it's a genetic issue in the dad's family for OP. Did you see where he said maybe the teens could come back, but dad would have to pay child support? Sounds like Dad wasn't paying anything, and expected OP to support them but not in a parental capacity. Just a free flop house, I guess.
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NTA - If stepfather didn't have guardianship, or parental rights, he didn't have custody in the first place. Everyone involved - Dad, Inlaws, the step kids, is saying that Stepdad is not their father, and doesn't have the right to parent them. They don't even want him to be their school contact. He can't effectively be a parent to them under those conditions. In this situation, either they go and live with their dad, or his family, or stepdad formally gets custody, and biodad pays child support. He needs to make sure they have the option to stay in touch with their younger siblings, and give them access to their mom's things. Otherwise, there's not much he could do. The only thing he really did wrong was not opening a discussion about custody sooner and involving the stepkids.
This. The in-laws want him as a free babysitter for teens but not as a parent figure thats f****d up. If they want him to "take care of them" but not parent them i would demand payment for essentially being a live-in babysitter
Load More Replies... Sounds like you have responded exactly as bio dad and teens demanded. None of the 3 wanted you to be the parent; so you actively respected their wishes. NTA
NTA The loss of a parent is not an excuse to be an ahole. My brothers and I (4b, 9b, 13me) lost a parent and did not turn into aholes. I've known other kids who suffered the same loss and they did not become aholes either. I believe the stepdad made the appropriate move for the teens.
Sounds like it's a genetic issue in the dad's family for OP. Did you see where he said maybe the teens could come back, but dad would have to pay child support? Sounds like Dad wasn't paying anything, and expected OP to support them but not in a parental capacity. Just a free flop house, I guess.
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