“She’s Sitting On A Computer All Day”: Dad Thinks His Work Is More Important Than Daughter’s, Gets A Reality Check Online
Work comes in all shapes and sizes, especially nowadays. Full-time, part-time, freelance, flexible contracts, no set schedule work, seasonal work, overtime work, rotating schedule, unpredictable schedule… You get the idea! Fact is, not one of those is better than the other, just maybe less common to come across.
That last fact leads to us imagining what the other side is like—more flexible schedules clearly mean that the person has more time to insert daily tasks and responsibilities at their free will. Clearly that isn’t always the case, as we’ll see in this story today.
One dad came to r/AmIthe[Jerk] to ask whether he was in the wrong for his actions, or whether his daughter was, as he called it, self-centered and childish. The internet was quick to respond and the resulting verdict may have not been what the dad had anticipated.
Remember—Bored Panda is just the messenger, don’t downvote just because you disagree with the situation. Leave your thoughts in the comments section below, telling us what you would have done differently. If you’re craving another AITA afterwards, here’s a link to one here. Now let’s get into it!
The last thing you want to do after work is deal with errands, so you ask your kids for help. But if their work clashes with your set timelines, it may lead to issues
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
One dad wondered whether he was the jerk for getting into a heated argument with his “childish” daughter over some un-run errands
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Credits: daughterthrowAITA
Finding balance between work and family is often not the easiest thing, requiring communication and understanding from both sides, and it seems that both had been lacking in the situation that, unfortunately, unfolded.
Let’s take a step back for one second and take a look at everything that happened. Daughter came home for the holidays to spend a few weeks with her family. During that time, she was busy grading her students’ papers, however, her dad didn’t seem to think that it was ‘real work’ with her clearly having the spare time to spend with the family.
Errand after errand came up with which he wanted her help, but she refused to follow his deadlines for when said errands needed to be done, as she was busy with work. That irked the dad to the point of him confronting her, escalating into telling her to stay somewhere else, which she happily agreed to do. She packed up her things and left for her girlfriend’s home.
Now, we can never judge these situations fully, as all we know about their relationship is explained in a few measly sentences. However, it certainly seems that the two have not had a conversation on boundaries, the dad hypocritically expecting his daughter to do the tasks he himself didn’t feel like doing due to post-work fatigue.
What is very obvious, however, is that a parent should never throw ultimatums like these at their kids: behave or leave. Jessica Alexander and psychotherapist Iben Sandahl argue that giving ultimatums to children essentially puts parents in a power struggle with their kids, where there has to be a winner and a loser.
What parents often don’t realize is that they are the ones losing, even if they feel they won in the moment. They lose closeness with threats and fear, and then they lose respect, because children learn that boundaries don’t mean anything. What did the dad win in this situation? He drove his eldest daughter away, and got the rest of the family angry with him.
It’s not too surprising that the internet came to a conclusion that the man was indeed the jerk for his actions. Could the daughter have been more open and transparent with her schedules? Mayhaps, but when the ears of understanding are closed, speak as much as you wish, it won’t lead you far.
We hope that the family is able to reunite, apologize, and move forward with a bit more clarity as to what actually matters: being in the authoritative position of power and dominance, or having a peaceful connection with the ones that love you the most. Leave us your thoughts on this story in the comments below, dear Pandas, and enjoy some of the opinions from fellow netizens.
Have a great day, and I’ll see you in the next one!
The dad came forth to give some more clarity on the situation and explain his actions further in the comments section
People unanimously agreed that he was in the wrong for how he handled things. Leave your opinions in the comments below!
Do you really need to ask if yta? Your adult daughter does not owe you her time. She comes home and you treat her like a child. Good luck maintaining a relationship with her. Grad work is hard and even if she has 30 minutes to spare, you should not expect her to fill it with your errands.
Yeah, I wonder about some of these. You'd think as you were writing this out that you'd realize what you're saying. But, I also look back on my own life and realize, hey that thing I was really upset about, and felt that I had been wronged. Actually, I was TA. This kind of self reflection doesn't come naturally. It helps to have a good therapist that can call you on your own s**t. It also helps to recognize, I can be a good person, and still make mistakes as a father and husband. But maybe I can learn from these, and be a better partner for my wife, and model for my kids. I want my kids to still want to spend time with me when they're adults after all. Hopefully this guy learns too.
You seem to be one of the few persons who's thought about this situation with compassion. Though the father was in the wrong, calling him an AH won't help his situation. Speaking to him kindly however, will indeed help him make better choices...which will help him become a better father. He did indeed come online to ask the question, and is most likely unhappy with the multiple criticisms made towards him; So your comments and suggestions are completely ideal and what will actually help this man out. Good job!!! So kind of you!!
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I have to disagree with you on that, because first it's just two small things he asked her to help him with, she's in voted to stay at the house for two weeks. Also think her dad has done so much for her through her young life from the day she was born and sacrificed alot for her. It wouldn't kill her to help him out every now and then. Plus she responded desrespectfully to him. Not ok.
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I think it's an honor to help your parents there will come a day when they will need her help taking care of them as they have taken care of her.
The thing that jumped out at me was "I told her..." - really, not asking but telling?
Read it and weep Dan. I can't speak for everyone, but as a man, you're 1950's, 'Women are second class citizens', viewpoint shows you're not a man, since real men don't think like that. If you are married I feel sorry for the poor girl you most likely had to buy to be with you, cause I doubt anyone can love someone who thinks like that. You need a reality check grandpa. Women aren't second class citizens, nor are they objects or whatever sexist b******t you believe. That line of thinking died out a long time ago and should stay dead. People like you need to go outside, walk up to the nearest tree and beg its forgiveness for wasting the oxygen it provides you with.
Are you talking to this or the dad? Because I don't see how asking someone for help is sexist
Grad school is time consuming and exhausting!!! You do more work outside the classroom than in it, A LOT more work. And she is working too! I sympathize with the daughter. Yes, a lot is sitting at a computer, but you can be mentally drained too which can lead to being physically tired. My work now is not physically taxing but, boy oh boy, it is emotionally draining at times. All that said, these are favors/requests and not demands. He needs to show her more respect as an adult. It sounds like she was willing to help, she just couldn’t drop everything and do it that second. I hope they find a middle ground and he learns something from this AITA so they can have a relationship.
Going for a Masters alone was hard work (couldn't afford to get PhD). A doctorate is so much harder. Dad should be proud of her and not treat her as an errand girl.
I completely agree, Deborah. I too have a Masters, but can’t afford to do a PhD.
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For Deborah & Wentra - How can you not afford it when the schools pay you for the PhD? Not enough pay?
I had this same problem growing up, and in university. My parents never thought I was doing anything actually straining. It didn't matter how hard I worked, it was never as hard as their life, and I was always considered lazy. I graduated each time, with honors. For some reason, though, my younger sister who barely graduated high school, and was constantly in trouble, was their golden child. Now, I am full no-contact. Some people just live in a fantasy world.
They obviously don’t value education.
He should be proud that his daughter takes this seriously and does not spend time partying instead. She seems like she knows what she wants and goes and gets it herself. He is TA but he has a great daughter.
Beautifully written.
Do you really need to ask if yta? Your adult daughter does not owe you her time. She comes home and you treat her like a child. Good luck maintaining a relationship with her. Grad work is hard and even if she has 30 minutes to spare, you should not expect her to fill it with your errands.
Yeah, I wonder about some of these. You'd think as you were writing this out that you'd realize what you're saying. But, I also look back on my own life and realize, hey that thing I was really upset about, and felt that I had been wronged. Actually, I was TA. This kind of self reflection doesn't come naturally. It helps to have a good therapist that can call you on your own s**t. It also helps to recognize, I can be a good person, and still make mistakes as a father and husband. But maybe I can learn from these, and be a better partner for my wife, and model for my kids. I want my kids to still want to spend time with me when they're adults after all. Hopefully this guy learns too.
You seem to be one of the few persons who's thought about this situation with compassion. Though the father was in the wrong, calling him an AH won't help his situation. Speaking to him kindly however, will indeed help him make better choices...which will help him become a better father. He did indeed come online to ask the question, and is most likely unhappy with the multiple criticisms made towards him; So your comments and suggestions are completely ideal and what will actually help this man out. Good job!!! So kind of you!!
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
I have to disagree with you on that, because first it's just two small things he asked her to help him with, she's in voted to stay at the house for two weeks. Also think her dad has done so much for her through her young life from the day she was born and sacrificed alot for her. It wouldn't kill her to help him out every now and then. Plus she responded desrespectfully to him. Not ok.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
I think it's an honor to help your parents there will come a day when they will need her help taking care of them as they have taken care of her.
The thing that jumped out at me was "I told her..." - really, not asking but telling?
Read it and weep Dan. I can't speak for everyone, but as a man, you're 1950's, 'Women are second class citizens', viewpoint shows you're not a man, since real men don't think like that. If you are married I feel sorry for the poor girl you most likely had to buy to be with you, cause I doubt anyone can love someone who thinks like that. You need a reality check grandpa. Women aren't second class citizens, nor are they objects or whatever sexist b******t you believe. That line of thinking died out a long time ago and should stay dead. People like you need to go outside, walk up to the nearest tree and beg its forgiveness for wasting the oxygen it provides you with.
Are you talking to this or the dad? Because I don't see how asking someone for help is sexist
Grad school is time consuming and exhausting!!! You do more work outside the classroom than in it, A LOT more work. And she is working too! I sympathize with the daughter. Yes, a lot is sitting at a computer, but you can be mentally drained too which can lead to being physically tired. My work now is not physically taxing but, boy oh boy, it is emotionally draining at times. All that said, these are favors/requests and not demands. He needs to show her more respect as an adult. It sounds like she was willing to help, she just couldn’t drop everything and do it that second. I hope they find a middle ground and he learns something from this AITA so they can have a relationship.
Going for a Masters alone was hard work (couldn't afford to get PhD). A doctorate is so much harder. Dad should be proud of her and not treat her as an errand girl.
I completely agree, Deborah. I too have a Masters, but can’t afford to do a PhD.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
For Deborah & Wentra - How can you not afford it when the schools pay you for the PhD? Not enough pay?
I had this same problem growing up, and in university. My parents never thought I was doing anything actually straining. It didn't matter how hard I worked, it was never as hard as their life, and I was always considered lazy. I graduated each time, with honors. For some reason, though, my younger sister who barely graduated high school, and was constantly in trouble, was their golden child. Now, I am full no-contact. Some people just live in a fantasy world.
They obviously don’t value education.
He should be proud that his daughter takes this seriously and does not spend time partying instead. She seems like she knows what she wants and goes and gets it herself. He is TA but he has a great daughter.
Beautifully written.