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Stepmom Finds Stepson So Disruptive She Never Wants Him In Main Home, Only In Garden Annex
Interview With ExpertLiving in a blended family can come with a whole host of unpredictable problems, as it involves different people coming together and trying to get along. There might even be power struggles between stepparents and stepkids as they try to establish their position in this new family.
This is the situation a woman found herself in because her stepson, who had been living in the annex to their house, kept coming over and being disorderly. She felt frustrated by his behavior and wanted to ban him from coming into the main home.
More info: Mumsnet
RELATED:
Stepparents and stepkids might not always get along, but they should do their best to bridge any gaps that might be between them
Image credits: zinkevych / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The poster shared that her 17-year-old stepson had been living with them full-time for about 4 months, and he stayed in their fully equipped garden annex
Image credits: EyeEm / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The woman found it tough to get along with her stepson because he was messy, lazy, and expected everything to be done for him
Image credits: The Yuri Arcurs Collection / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The teen also kept coming over to the main house and disturbing everyone with his demands, which made his stepmom feel annoyed
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The poster couldn’t deal with her stepson’s behavior anymore and wanted to ban him from coming into the main home
Image credits: Articlewait
Since the woman’s partner kept making excuses for his son, stating that a lot of his behavior was due to anxiety, the poster didn’t know what to do
It’s clear that the poster’s stepson was given a lot of free rein and allowed to do as he pleased because he had quit school and spent most of his time doing whatever he wanted to. Since his dad was hardly present and kept making excuses for him, the teen didn’t have anyone to hold him accountable.
That’s exactly why it’s important for parents to pay attention to what their children are doing and intervene if their behavior is getting out of hand. Parenting experts state that once kids realize that their rude actions are getting a pass, they might keep behaving the same way, as they probably know that nobody will stop them.
The OP also must have realized that her stepson’s behavior was crossing a line because he left everything in a mess, partook in substances, demanded she cook for him, and was generally rude when confronted. The problem is that she couldn’t do much about his actions since her partner kept making excuses for him.
This is a classic dilemma that many stepparents find themselves in, where they aren’t able to discipline their stepkids, as their partner or spouse isn’t supporting them through it. Even seasoned stepparents say that this kind of situation can make people feel helpless and annoyed, and like they aren’t able to set rules or have enough parental power.
To get a better insight into this situation, Bored Panda reached out to Gayla Grace, who is a writer and a speaker for FamilyLife Blended, a ministry dedicated to serving blended families that offers podcasts, livestreams, and resources. Gayla and her husband, Randy, have been married for 30 years and have a blended family.
Gayla explained that “when conflicts arise between the stepparent and stepchild during the integration years, it’s important for the biological parent to intervene and help resolve them, especially with older children. If a stepparent feels comfortable, after loving and trusting relationships are established, they can work to resolve issues with a stepchild on their own.”
“However, a biological parent should always be willing to help, if needed, as they can help stepparents establish their position over time in a stepchild’s life. However, a stepparent should never make decisions on their own to ban a stepchild from the house,” she added.
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The poster finally reached her breaking point because her stepson kept disturbing her child over and over again and demanding she cook him dinner. Since she had to deal with this behavior on her own, the OP knew she really had to do something about it before things escalated even further.
The unfortunate part of all of this was that the woman truly started disliking her stepson and didn’t know what to do about those feelings. Family therapists state that such feelings are normal, especially when stepchildren might have significant behavioral issues and act out more often than not.
It’s definitely not ideal to have a dysfunctional relationship with a partner’s children, but it also doesn’t mean that one should force themselves to act like everything is okay. The best thing to do in such situations is to seek therapy for oneself and for the child so that there is objective and professional support for any conflicts that might arise.
The poster probably hadn’t considered therapy for her stepson, as his dad truly didn’t seem to be interested in solving the problem, which is why she couldn’t make the decision on her own. Her only option was to ban him from coming over to the main house, which would probably lead to him having an even worse attitude.
Gayla also explained that “research shows it takes four to seven years for stepfamily relationships to come together and start feeling like family. During those early integration years, when bonds are still forming, it’s important for the biological parent and stepparent to work as a team when setting boundaries for the children.”
“While love and trust are still developing between the stepparent and stepchild, the biological parent should take the lead. This helps the child understand that their parent expects them to honor and respect the boundaries,” she added.
What do you think would be the right course of action to take in this situation? Do you feel the OP is right to think of banning her stepson from the house? Let us know your honest opinion.
People were mad at the poster for wanting to ban her stepson and felt that his dad had been wrong to leave him to his own devices in the annex
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What do you think ?
FreeTheUnicorn 2 months ago
Don't stay married to someone who makes you a single parent while still living in you house. Dad doesn't care about his first son and won't care about his other kids. Without both adults being on the same page, nothing will improve in the house. Step son is 17 so options are limited. At 16 there were a lot more options, residential programs he could be enrolled in. Now in would think the easiest thing would be to set him up in a flat, agree to pay three months rent and get him moved out of the garden. And in those 3 months he'll have to make some changes. But really, just leave the man who doesn't have time to parent his kids and support his partner. Sell the house and downsize if that's what's forcing the long hours.
Tabitha 2 months ago (edited)
OK, this is obviously British, so at 17 the stepson is legally an adult. He needs counseling or some kind of mental health support, because if he stays on this path he will have no future. On the rare occasion that his father is home, HE is the one who MUST sit HIS child down and read him the riot act. He’s an adult now, not a child anymore. So if he wants to continue living in the “annex” then he’s going to have to start paying rent, which means getting—-and keeping—-a job and signing a lease (protects the parents if he gets too out of hand and they need him off the property entirely). They could tell him they would waive the rent if he went back to school, and stayed there this time. Decent grades would count as rent payments, it if he slipped, flunked, or dropped out, then he better find a job and start paying rent in cash. Or leave. Sounds heartless, but it just might make him finally grow TF up, stop being a stoner kid, and become a man. The world isn’t your mama, it doesn’t love you, and won’t cut you any slack like your parents did (to your detriment). The sooner he learns to take care of himself, which includes cleaning up after himself and behaving like a grown up and not like a petulant brat, the better for him it will be. The adults in his life did him a disservice by not teaching him how to man up and face his responsibilities, to himself as well as to them. So he should now be on a crash course to catch up.
J R 2 months ago
OP's husband needs to step in. Depending on the country they are in, 17 may or may not be legally an adult, but the stepson is old enough be a threat. OP is afraid the stepson is going to hit her. He brings substances around his own place, with his younger siblings right next door. He lets his friends go in and out of the main house. Not everyone who uses d***s is dangerous, but enough are, especially when it comes to the dealers. Honestly, the stepson needed some tough parenting from the husband a long time ago, but now the husband needs to put his foot down: Either stepson gets treatment, gets a job, stops letting his friends in their house, and shows some respect to his stepmom, or he hits the highway.
FreeTheUnicorn 2 months ago
Don't stay married to someone who makes you a single parent while still living in you house. Dad doesn't care about his first son and won't care about his other kids. Without both adults being on the same page, nothing will improve in the house. Step son is 17 so options are limited. At 16 there were a lot more options, residential programs he could be enrolled in. Now in would think the easiest thing would be to set him up in a flat, agree to pay three months rent and get him moved out of the garden. And in those 3 months he'll have to make some changes. But really, just leave the man who doesn't have time to parent his kids and support his partner. Sell the house and downsize if that's what's forcing the long hours.
Tabitha 2 months ago (edited)
OK, this is obviously British, so at 17 the stepson is legally an adult. He needs counseling or some kind of mental health support, because if he stays on this path he will have no future. On the rare occasion that his father is home, HE is the one who MUST sit HIS child down and read him the riot act. He’s an adult now, not a child anymore. So if he wants to continue living in the “annex” then he’s going to have to start paying rent, which means getting—-and keeping—-a job and signing a lease (protects the parents if he gets too out of hand and they need him off the property entirely). They could tell him they would waive the rent if he went back to school, and stayed there this time. Decent grades would count as rent payments, it if he slipped, flunked, or dropped out, then he better find a job and start paying rent in cash. Or leave. Sounds heartless, but it just might make him finally grow TF up, stop being a stoner kid, and become a man. The world isn’t your mama, it doesn’t love you, and won’t cut you any slack like your parents did (to your detriment). The sooner he learns to take care of himself, which includes cleaning up after himself and behaving like a grown up and not like a petulant brat, the better for him it will be. The adults in his life did him a disservice by not teaching him how to man up and face his responsibilities, to himself as well as to them. So he should now be on a crash course to catch up.
J R 2 months ago
OP's husband needs to step in. Depending on the country they are in, 17 may or may not be legally an adult, but the stepson is old enough be a threat. OP is afraid the stepson is going to hit her. He brings substances around his own place, with his younger siblings right next door. He lets his friends go in and out of the main house. Not everyone who uses d***s is dangerous, but enough are, especially when it comes to the dealers. Honestly, the stepson needed some tough parenting from the husband a long time ago, but now the husband needs to put his foot down: Either stepson gets treatment, gets a job, stops letting his friends in their house, and shows some respect to his stepmom, or he hits the highway.
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