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Hey Pandas, AITA For Not Staying With My Husband To Watch The Kids Due To Husband’s Ex-Wife’s Sudden Changes?
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Hey Pandas, AITA For Not Staying With My Husband To Watch The Kids Due To Husband’s Ex-Wife’s Sudden Changes?

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I (F35) have been married to my husband (M39) for four years. He has two lovely children from his previous marriage, and I’ve developed a strong bond with them over time.

However, his ex-wife has become quite a challenge. She tends to be disorganized and often makes impromptu requests, expecting us to adjust our plans without much notice. Despite this, I’ve always tried to be understanding and accommodating for the sake of the kids.

Recently, we had planned a romantic weekend getaway with my husband that I had organized months in advance

Image credits: Alev Takil (not the actual photo)

I made sure to inform everyone, including my husband’s ex-wife, about the dates well ahead of time. She acknowledged it but didn’t confirm anything until a week before the trip.

His ex-wife suddenly announced that she needed my husband to take care of their children on the days we were supposed to be away because she had to work those days

Image credits: 2H Media (not the actual photo)

I was taken aback and frustrated because I had explicitly mentioned these dates as unavailable to her previously. My husband, being torn between his responsibility as a parent and our trip, decided to cancel it to accommodate her request. This not only disrupted our plans but also left me feeling disregarded.

I had a conversation with my husband, expressing my disappointment and explaining that I felt my efforts to plan and communicate were being undermined

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Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual photo)

I firmly stated that I wouldn’t change our plans and I would be going on that trip with or without him. My husband was upset with my decision and for not being more flexible and understanding. He argued that it was for the sake of the kids and that we could plan the trip to go to next time, but I feel it’s unfair to constantly disrupt our plans because of her last-minute changes even if it is work-related. I guess I would be more forgiving if I didn’t see the pattern.

Therefore, I decided that this time I have to stand my ground to emphasize the importance of respecting each other’s schedules and commitments. I believe it’s time for his ex-wife to take responsibility and find suitable alternatives when she overlooks the dates I’ve already mentioned as unavailable.

So, am I being unreasonable for refusing to cancel the trip at the last minute to accommodate my husband’s ex-wife’s requests?

Edit: she works as a photographer and she can decide whether to take the job or not. I get that it is her livelihood, but that is why we plan ahead of time.

Moderator’s note:

Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.

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marykaymann avatar
MaryHadaLittleLamb
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. She knew ahead of time, and this makes me wonder if she does it on purpose. My husband's ex used to do the same thing. We went along with it for years, but the moment he said no, all heck broke loose. She started lying about us to people, and to his daughter, and made our life miserable for years. Tread carefully here, I don't want you to go through something like that. I wish I had better advice to give you, but it's a delicate situation. Good luck!

foams_sequins-0x avatar
Not-a-Clue (she/her)
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I work supporting people who are or have been in abusive relationships and making last minute changes to childcare arrangements is one way ex partners try to maintain some power & control. We can't know if that's the case here, but it's very common.

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brianne_amos avatar
Brainmas
Community Member
5 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ex-wife is inconsiderate and so is the husband for dropping his plans with you to accommodate her. Unless it was an actual emergency like surgery or death, the appropriate response would be, we already told you we were going out if town so you will have to figure it out for yourself. I assume the children have grandparents, maybe aunts or uncles, mom probably has friends. If she really needs to do whatever she's doing, she can find a babysitter. It sounds like she's doing this on purpose to disrupt your weekend away.

juliestevens avatar
Giraffy Window
Community Member
5 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She does it on purpose. She's jealous of you and her ex husband making plans, and maliciously chooses not to put any effort toward anything that would "help" make those plans work. Op recognizes the pattern, but isn't quite ready to see the puzzle blown up. She's Op's husband's ex for a reason; I bet there was a lot of sneaky sabotage when she didn't get her way then, too.

gfbarros avatar
Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Are there no grandparents, aunts or family friends to step in? The ex is sabotaging the marriage and the husband is letting her.

mariab_2 avatar
Maartje
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NOPE. Not at all, you are 100% right and I do suspect that she is doing it on purpose. But hubby already cancelled it, and I understand his mixed feelings, after all, they are his children. Why not settle it with your husband in such a manner that he has a conversation with his ex , like " This is the last time that we cancel plans because of you, we have been very considerate and more than accommodating whenever you needed help, now have some consideration for us. " and make him promise that next time, he WILL stick with it.

heatherphilpot avatar
Hphizzle
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Start documenting these incidents. It may help better communicate to your husband just how frequently it’s happening and show how informed she is about events.

vivianekatz avatar
Vinnie
Community Member
5 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Go on the trip. There's no guarantee that his ex will respect future dates or that your husband will put his foot down.

amydbaker avatar
Hollerfloozy
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No, NTA. You made plans and I assume he knew in advance as well. Hire a babysitter or find a friend, there are compromises. But if he cancels... then I would seriously consider things. You're his wife, she is not.

tonypott avatar
Heffalump
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Whatever your husband thinks, he's not acting 'for the sake of the kids'. The only person benefiting here is his ex. She's deliberately disrupting your marriage. I think that at some point you are going to have to make it plain to your husband that a couple that can't make plans together without them being disrupted by the whims of a third party are not going to be able to stay together.

equent64 avatar
MotherMayhem
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My oldest niece's ex used to do this to her when it was his weekend with their daughter. He would cancel last minute so he could ruin her plans to go out with friends. He stopped when he found out he wasn't ruining anything, because my husband and myself would take her for the weekend, even when we got called at the last minute. My great niece is very close to us now; her father, not so much.

lizorr avatar
Puppy Dancing!
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. Good for you. The manipulation in your life is over the top by your husband's Ex. Ex knew about a romantic weekend and is saying you can't go, this is obviously on purpose. Can the grandparents or other family step in to babysit?

acey-ace16 avatar
Ace
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Using your children as weapons like this is despicable. I can't imagine what it must be like (having no kids myself) but I'm much more horrified at the effect on the kids than on the OP and the other adults involved.

silverskycloud avatar
SilverSkyCloud
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

husband needs to grow a pair of balls and get his man card back from his ex, it seems to me that the ex has a "if i cant have him then i'll make him miserable to teach him a lesson" attitude

deidrelippnik avatar
Deidre Lippnik
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA!!!!!!!!!! Your husbands ex is!!!! You gave adequate time and she acknowledged just before...only to then take it back for reasons that were her fault! That is so selfish to usethe kids as weapons like that. They dont deserve that. Kids see everything. Take that vacay...i hope he joins you!

jaredrobinson avatar
Jared Robinson
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nah your hubby or bf or whatever is still way too involved in his ex's life. You need to get out of this 3 way relationship.

esmilkstein avatar
Mwom
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agree with others. She does this specifically knowing it will mess up your plans and also that you husband will be a push-over and cancel everything to accommodate her. You know what she needs to do? Get a freaking babysitter. That's how you handle that as a mother.

cbrownhawaii avatar
Kia Force
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My first thought was, screw it go alone or take a friend. That's what I would do. This whole issue is because your husband doesn't know how to say no to the ex. He did disregard your feelings, he absolutely did. The ex did too but it's up to him to put his foot down so yeah, NTA. Go on the trip, have as much fun as you can.

breanneast avatar
BreAnn East
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ex is doing it intentionally. Husband cares more about ex than current wife.

jdtimid123 avatar
jdtimid123
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA she knew that you would be gone, that's on her, and hubby should back you up. Buuuut I also see his point about not leaving the kids hanging, it isn't the kids fault his ex sucks, and it isn't fair to you either. My advice for the future would be to start arranging an alternative child care option for future plans. If she flakes on her parenting responsibilities, you'll have a back up option. Just work any expenses into the trips budget. Otherwise this could end up causing a rift between you, if there's a constant battle between your needs/wants and those of his ex. Especially if she's using the kids as weapons. So, treat future plans the same as any other parent who doesn't have an ex to take the kids but wants an adults only vacation would.

breanneast avatar
abigor avatar
Cyber Returns
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. The Ex is doing it on purpose and the hubby needs to learn that he is no longer married to his ex and prioritize his new wife. As for the kids, they wouldn't care what is happening. If they are young then they will be happy to tell their mom what they did when they get back. If they are teens though, they will resent their mom and possibly their dad for pulling this stunt every time something is planned. OP needs to point this out as the ex is, to all intents and purposes, mentally abusing her kids just to get back at her ex husband

saundrakuhl avatar
BigCityLady
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. The kids have grandparents or friends the Ex could call upon if she had to take in a last minute job that was probably anywhere from 4-7 hours. You go on the trip on your own as the Ex is purposely sabotaging your relationship!!

seriouslyusa avatar
Seriously USA
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If he was still married to his ex and they planned a trip the kids couldn't go on, they would have arranged for someone to watch them. If the ex were to pass away, then Dad and step-mom would find someone to look after them. If the Dad passed away, the ex would find someone to watch them during work. Therefore, insisting that Dad drops everything or he's a bad Dad is bad parenting by the ex. However, if Dad wants to be the responsible parent, he should make the same arrangements he would have if there was no ex-wife at this point.

keygirlus avatar
Bex
Community Member
5 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is not for "the good of the kids", this is for the benefit of the ex-wife. Kids actually benefit from a variety of caregivers and caregiving situations. It teaches them social skills, adaptability, and exposes them to differing lifestyles and environments. Speak to the husband about honoring his commitments and not indulging irresponsible behavior, and ask him to say no to his ex. Suggest he encourage her to develop more childcare options to meet her needs in the future as you will only be stepping up last minute or during planned activities in an actual emergency.

welcow0521 avatar
Kristina Cowan
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She knew already, this is her own failure to plan ahead, or she just threw the whole thing off like, oopsie. NTA

moxiegraphix avatar
Jeanette Thompson
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. She will continue to do it until firm boundaries are in place. Your husband needs to reinforce them. Yeah, I get these are his kids but the ex was informed in advance you would NOT be available and decided to spring this on you at the last minute. Do yourself a favor and start keeping a diary of these incidents with dates and details. If your husband still doesn't believe it's a pattern, you can show him the diary that proves otherwise.

kevinkellyjunior avatar
K.K.J
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If OP "sees the pattern" then she could deal with it better than punishing the husband for being there for his kids. Sounds like the ex is manipulative. The husband knows that, and knows his kids have to deal with that. Be empathetic to him. Work as a team to deal with the ex. Bet husband feels manipulated by ex, and now abandoned by wife. His kids will always beat out your romantic weekend. (They should anyway)

ldmonteith avatar
Key Lime
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The Ex is doing this on purpose to mess with you guys. My husband's Ex did this to us quite often. When it was just us and their daughter we sucked it up and missed vacations or cut them short. Once our two boys came along we went ahead with our trips just left the daughter with her MOM for whatever "important " function she had to stay home for. Now that the daughter is an adult she is blaming us for going on trips and outings without her. She will NOT believe that her MOM would let her miss them.

mandylovell avatar
Mandy Lovell
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA...I hear you 100% on this as I also deal with my husband's ex wife doing the same. No matter how much notice and no matter the reason she never comes through. We agreed to help out so she could get promoted as long as she would work with our schedules as well and it doesn't matter bc she only cares about herself. So I just recently put my foot down and if a day I said I can't do isn't covered due to her incompetence then it's not my problem. My husband will always bail her out tho bc he also views it as it's for the kids.. to which my argument is is she going to leave them home alone? Is she not going to bring them to school? No... she can adjust her schedule too... she can at least attempt to plan in advance and respect the fact the people who are helping also have careers and lives and also would like advance notice bc not everyone is waiting around to help you. So my hope is that maybe when her schedule and his schedule are being affected there will be a change.

ginshunray avatar
ginshun
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If it is the Ex's time to be responsible for the kids, then it is her time to be responsible for them. If she can't do it, she can get a sitter. If I don't have any plans, and can help, then sure, I could watch them. If I have a vacation planned, and it has been for months...sorry, not my problem that you have to work. Get a sitter.

kathrin-s_jack avatar
Kathy
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA! I am a stepmother myself, and that's precisely why you plan ahead. Unforeseen things (emergencies) may happen, sure enough, but suddenly take a job this very weekend? Seriously, she can get a babysitter, ask grandparents, uncles, aunts, any family member. Also, it's a two-way road. I know that, and the mom of my stepsons as well. We had to handle similar situations, but if we had something planned and couldn't switch dates, we were off the hook (you try to accommodate, but sometimes it's just not possible, especially if you already booked and planned something). Furthermore, it would be best to re-evaluate that with your husband. He is not a bad parent if he tells his ex-wife, "Sorry, not this time!" He has to manage two expectations (yours and his kids), which is challenging but manageable if you two work as a team.

kimberly_blizzard_blizzard avatar
ThisIsMe
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As long as your husband stays home, the ex gets what she wants anyway. If dad isn't willing to push back or make alternate arrangements for his kids with relatives, this will never stop. But going on the trip solo will only add to the resentment and further a losing battle. Dad has made his decision, OP is trying to force a different decision with an ultimatum. Those seldom work out as well as one expects.

crisr_ avatar
Cris R.
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oh boy, she did it on purpose, it looks like your husband and his ex has some pending conversation, Definitely NTA

kubikiri-houcho avatar
Sarah Kathrin Matsoukis
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That's why I don't parents. The dynamic is always off. I think ex wife did it on purpose because she's jealous.

melodylynch avatar
Melody Lynch
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA! She does it on purpose. Go alone this time and in the future, give her last minute notice ( when you are in transit) of the plans your husband and you have made.

thomasjackson_2 avatar
Thomas Jackson
Community Member
4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Marriage and relationship solver by Priest Leveno priestlevenospell@gmail.com My wife left me and my daughter and never returned until Priest Leveno intervened. I had marital issues with my wife which made her leave me and travel to another city. At some point I was depressed and I told my friend what I was going through and he introduced me to a strong man that helped people everywhere. I came in contact with Priest Leveno who helped me. He restored the love and connection between me and my partner and I got her back after 2 days as he promised. Just like everyone else talking about him, I am here to tell good of him and thank him for bringing joy to my life once again. He won’t fail if you give him a try to help you as well. Just text him with his email priestlevenospell@gmail.com let him know what you want (1) If you want your ex back. (2) if you always have bad dreams. (3) You want to be promoted in your office. (4) You want women/men to run after you. (5) If you want a child.

cns3e avatar
Cynthia Smith
Community Member
4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The ex is doing it on purpose, she may also be narcissist and simply unable to put anyone else's needs above her own. Husband/father is doing the right thing taking care of his children. I'm sorry the wife's plans were disrupted but Dad can't abandon his children like their mom did. In the future, refuse to switch weekends . This will set a precedent and you will no longer need to clear your plans through the ex first.

sarah_bell avatar
Sarah Bell
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She is doing this on purpose! There is a good likelihood of the ex-wife hoping to cost them money in non refundable deposits and cause arguments between the couple . She sees the pattern and knows that the ex is taking advantage and acting shady as hell. Husband needs to stand up for his wife and himself . She needs to take a family member(s) or friend(s) and enjoy those days away from all of the drama because, unfortunately, with an ex like her, the drama will still be waiting on her return .

micheldurinx avatar
Marcellus II
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Why the "AITA"-sauce? There's no question, there's just (justified!) venting.

pattyrutzler avatar
Patty T
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Your husband isn't accommodating his ex as much as he is trying to watch out for his kids. Kids will always come first. ALWAYS.

moxiegraphix avatar
Jeanette Thompson
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nah. He needs to set boundaries with the ex wife. It isn't like both of them didn't know well in advance they had plans. The ex is doing this on purpose and she's going to be the reason they divorce and her kids lose out on a stepmother that actually does care about them but also values her own time.

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kellybrooke3091 avatar
Pandroid Rebellion
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She did that on purpose BECAUSE you told her ahead of time and your husband is a dumbass.

davidkirscht avatar
Duuuuuuude
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

YTA. Your husband is just as affected by this as you are, and the kids didn't ask to be in the situation they're in. Maybe I'd be more sympathetic if I knew the ex wife's situation. She might have been scheduled last minute and may not be able to refuse. I don't hear anything about her having a full time partner to help with the kids. So I'll assume she's a single mom doing her best. Bottom line is, canceled plans sums up a lot of what raising kids is like. Get over yourself.

mandylovell avatar
Mandy Lovell
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She didn't have to take the job especially knowing the father and step mother weren't around... she also could have found child care on her own... it was her time with the kids and had advance notice that they would be away... her responsibility... also sounds like she does it a lot and doesn't do much to help them out... partner of her own or not... she can cancel not them... I won't change my plans or schedule to accommodate someone who won't do the same anymore... literally in the same spot as this girl and until the ex is held accountable nothing will change...

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snewlands2 avatar
JammaCoast2Coast
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I hate these copy and paste stories from Reddit. If I wanted to read Reddit articles, I wouldn't be on BP

howdylee avatar
howdylee
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

oh dear lord, please please please BP, STOP with the AITA!!!! It was insufferable when stolen from Reddit, I will downvote every AITA post originating from BP!

megasmacky avatar
mega smacky
Community Member
5 months ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

Of course it's a woman pulling this stunt.

marykaymann avatar
MaryHadaLittleLamb
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. She knew ahead of time, and this makes me wonder if she does it on purpose. My husband's ex used to do the same thing. We went along with it for years, but the moment he said no, all heck broke loose. She started lying about us to people, and to his daughter, and made our life miserable for years. Tread carefully here, I don't want you to go through something like that. I wish I had better advice to give you, but it's a delicate situation. Good luck!

foams_sequins-0x avatar
Not-a-Clue (she/her)
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I work supporting people who are or have been in abusive relationships and making last minute changes to childcare arrangements is one way ex partners try to maintain some power & control. We can't know if that's the case here, but it's very common.

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brianne_amos avatar
Brainmas
Community Member
5 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ex-wife is inconsiderate and so is the husband for dropping his plans with you to accommodate her. Unless it was an actual emergency like surgery or death, the appropriate response would be, we already told you we were going out if town so you will have to figure it out for yourself. I assume the children have grandparents, maybe aunts or uncles, mom probably has friends. If she really needs to do whatever she's doing, she can find a babysitter. It sounds like she's doing this on purpose to disrupt your weekend away.

juliestevens avatar
Giraffy Window
Community Member
5 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She does it on purpose. She's jealous of you and her ex husband making plans, and maliciously chooses not to put any effort toward anything that would "help" make those plans work. Op recognizes the pattern, but isn't quite ready to see the puzzle blown up. She's Op's husband's ex for a reason; I bet there was a lot of sneaky sabotage when she didn't get her way then, too.

gfbarros avatar
Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Are there no grandparents, aunts or family friends to step in? The ex is sabotaging the marriage and the husband is letting her.

mariab_2 avatar
Maartje
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NOPE. Not at all, you are 100% right and I do suspect that she is doing it on purpose. But hubby already cancelled it, and I understand his mixed feelings, after all, they are his children. Why not settle it with your husband in such a manner that he has a conversation with his ex , like " This is the last time that we cancel plans because of you, we have been very considerate and more than accommodating whenever you needed help, now have some consideration for us. " and make him promise that next time, he WILL stick with it.

heatherphilpot avatar
Hphizzle
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Start documenting these incidents. It may help better communicate to your husband just how frequently it’s happening and show how informed she is about events.

vivianekatz avatar
Vinnie
Community Member
5 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Go on the trip. There's no guarantee that his ex will respect future dates or that your husband will put his foot down.

amydbaker avatar
Hollerfloozy
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No, NTA. You made plans and I assume he knew in advance as well. Hire a babysitter or find a friend, there are compromises. But if he cancels... then I would seriously consider things. You're his wife, she is not.

tonypott avatar
Heffalump
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Whatever your husband thinks, he's not acting 'for the sake of the kids'. The only person benefiting here is his ex. She's deliberately disrupting your marriage. I think that at some point you are going to have to make it plain to your husband that a couple that can't make plans together without them being disrupted by the whims of a third party are not going to be able to stay together.

equent64 avatar
MotherMayhem
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My oldest niece's ex used to do this to her when it was his weekend with their daughter. He would cancel last minute so he could ruin her plans to go out with friends. He stopped when he found out he wasn't ruining anything, because my husband and myself would take her for the weekend, even when we got called at the last minute. My great niece is very close to us now; her father, not so much.

lizorr avatar
Puppy Dancing!
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. Good for you. The manipulation in your life is over the top by your husband's Ex. Ex knew about a romantic weekend and is saying you can't go, this is obviously on purpose. Can the grandparents or other family step in to babysit?

acey-ace16 avatar
Ace
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Using your children as weapons like this is despicable. I can't imagine what it must be like (having no kids myself) but I'm much more horrified at the effect on the kids than on the OP and the other adults involved.

silverskycloud avatar
SilverSkyCloud
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

husband needs to grow a pair of balls and get his man card back from his ex, it seems to me that the ex has a "if i cant have him then i'll make him miserable to teach him a lesson" attitude

deidrelippnik avatar
Deidre Lippnik
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA!!!!!!!!!! Your husbands ex is!!!! You gave adequate time and she acknowledged just before...only to then take it back for reasons that were her fault! That is so selfish to usethe kids as weapons like that. They dont deserve that. Kids see everything. Take that vacay...i hope he joins you!

jaredrobinson avatar
Jared Robinson
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nah your hubby or bf or whatever is still way too involved in his ex's life. You need to get out of this 3 way relationship.

esmilkstein avatar
Mwom
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agree with others. She does this specifically knowing it will mess up your plans and also that you husband will be a push-over and cancel everything to accommodate her. You know what she needs to do? Get a freaking babysitter. That's how you handle that as a mother.

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Kia Force
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My first thought was, screw it go alone or take a friend. That's what I would do. This whole issue is because your husband doesn't know how to say no to the ex. He did disregard your feelings, he absolutely did. The ex did too but it's up to him to put his foot down so yeah, NTA. Go on the trip, have as much fun as you can.

breanneast avatar
BreAnn East
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ex is doing it intentionally. Husband cares more about ex than current wife.

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jdtimid123
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA she knew that you would be gone, that's on her, and hubby should back you up. Buuuut I also see his point about not leaving the kids hanging, it isn't the kids fault his ex sucks, and it isn't fair to you either. My advice for the future would be to start arranging an alternative child care option for future plans. If she flakes on her parenting responsibilities, you'll have a back up option. Just work any expenses into the trips budget. Otherwise this could end up causing a rift between you, if there's a constant battle between your needs/wants and those of his ex. Especially if she's using the kids as weapons. So, treat future plans the same as any other parent who doesn't have an ex to take the kids but wants an adults only vacation would.

breanneast avatar
abigor avatar
Cyber Returns
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. The Ex is doing it on purpose and the hubby needs to learn that he is no longer married to his ex and prioritize his new wife. As for the kids, they wouldn't care what is happening. If they are young then they will be happy to tell their mom what they did when they get back. If they are teens though, they will resent their mom and possibly their dad for pulling this stunt every time something is planned. OP needs to point this out as the ex is, to all intents and purposes, mentally abusing her kids just to get back at her ex husband

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BigCityLady
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. The kids have grandparents or friends the Ex could call upon if she had to take in a last minute job that was probably anywhere from 4-7 hours. You go on the trip on your own as the Ex is purposely sabotaging your relationship!!

seriouslyusa avatar
Seriously USA
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If he was still married to his ex and they planned a trip the kids couldn't go on, they would have arranged for someone to watch them. If the ex were to pass away, then Dad and step-mom would find someone to look after them. If the Dad passed away, the ex would find someone to watch them during work. Therefore, insisting that Dad drops everything or he's a bad Dad is bad parenting by the ex. However, if Dad wants to be the responsible parent, he should make the same arrangements he would have if there was no ex-wife at this point.

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Bex
Community Member
5 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is not for "the good of the kids", this is for the benefit of the ex-wife. Kids actually benefit from a variety of caregivers and caregiving situations. It teaches them social skills, adaptability, and exposes them to differing lifestyles and environments. Speak to the husband about honoring his commitments and not indulging irresponsible behavior, and ask him to say no to his ex. Suggest he encourage her to develop more childcare options to meet her needs in the future as you will only be stepping up last minute or during planned activities in an actual emergency.

welcow0521 avatar
Kristina Cowan
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She knew already, this is her own failure to plan ahead, or she just threw the whole thing off like, oopsie. NTA

moxiegraphix avatar
Jeanette Thompson
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. She will continue to do it until firm boundaries are in place. Your husband needs to reinforce them. Yeah, I get these are his kids but the ex was informed in advance you would NOT be available and decided to spring this on you at the last minute. Do yourself a favor and start keeping a diary of these incidents with dates and details. If your husband still doesn't believe it's a pattern, you can show him the diary that proves otherwise.

kevinkellyjunior avatar
K.K.J
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If OP "sees the pattern" then she could deal with it better than punishing the husband for being there for his kids. Sounds like the ex is manipulative. The husband knows that, and knows his kids have to deal with that. Be empathetic to him. Work as a team to deal with the ex. Bet husband feels manipulated by ex, and now abandoned by wife. His kids will always beat out your romantic weekend. (They should anyway)

ldmonteith avatar
Key Lime
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The Ex is doing this on purpose to mess with you guys. My husband's Ex did this to us quite often. When it was just us and their daughter we sucked it up and missed vacations or cut them short. Once our two boys came along we went ahead with our trips just left the daughter with her MOM for whatever "important " function she had to stay home for. Now that the daughter is an adult she is blaming us for going on trips and outings without her. She will NOT believe that her MOM would let her miss them.

mandylovell avatar
Mandy Lovell
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA...I hear you 100% on this as I also deal with my husband's ex wife doing the same. No matter how much notice and no matter the reason she never comes through. We agreed to help out so she could get promoted as long as she would work with our schedules as well and it doesn't matter bc she only cares about herself. So I just recently put my foot down and if a day I said I can't do isn't covered due to her incompetence then it's not my problem. My husband will always bail her out tho bc he also views it as it's for the kids.. to which my argument is is she going to leave them home alone? Is she not going to bring them to school? No... she can adjust her schedule too... she can at least attempt to plan in advance and respect the fact the people who are helping also have careers and lives and also would like advance notice bc not everyone is waiting around to help you. So my hope is that maybe when her schedule and his schedule are being affected there will be a change.

ginshunray avatar
ginshun
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If it is the Ex's time to be responsible for the kids, then it is her time to be responsible for them. If she can't do it, she can get a sitter. If I don't have any plans, and can help, then sure, I could watch them. If I have a vacation planned, and it has been for months...sorry, not my problem that you have to work. Get a sitter.

kathrin-s_jack avatar
Kathy
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA! I am a stepmother myself, and that's precisely why you plan ahead. Unforeseen things (emergencies) may happen, sure enough, but suddenly take a job this very weekend? Seriously, she can get a babysitter, ask grandparents, uncles, aunts, any family member. Also, it's a two-way road. I know that, and the mom of my stepsons as well. We had to handle similar situations, but if we had something planned and couldn't switch dates, we were off the hook (you try to accommodate, but sometimes it's just not possible, especially if you already booked and planned something). Furthermore, it would be best to re-evaluate that with your husband. He is not a bad parent if he tells his ex-wife, "Sorry, not this time!" He has to manage two expectations (yours and his kids), which is challenging but manageable if you two work as a team.

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ThisIsMe
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As long as your husband stays home, the ex gets what she wants anyway. If dad isn't willing to push back or make alternate arrangements for his kids with relatives, this will never stop. But going on the trip solo will only add to the resentment and further a losing battle. Dad has made his decision, OP is trying to force a different decision with an ultimatum. Those seldom work out as well as one expects.

crisr_ avatar
Cris R.
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oh boy, she did it on purpose, it looks like your husband and his ex has some pending conversation, Definitely NTA

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Sarah Kathrin Matsoukis
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That's why I don't parents. The dynamic is always off. I think ex wife did it on purpose because she's jealous.

melodylynch avatar
Melody Lynch
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA! She does it on purpose. Go alone this time and in the future, give her last minute notice ( when you are in transit) of the plans your husband and you have made.

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Thomas Jackson
Community Member
4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Marriage and relationship solver by Priest Leveno priestlevenospell@gmail.com My wife left me and my daughter and never returned until Priest Leveno intervened. I had marital issues with my wife which made her leave me and travel to another city. At some point I was depressed and I told my friend what I was going through and he introduced me to a strong man that helped people everywhere. I came in contact with Priest Leveno who helped me. He restored the love and connection between me and my partner and I got her back after 2 days as he promised. Just like everyone else talking about him, I am here to tell good of him and thank him for bringing joy to my life once again. He won’t fail if you give him a try to help you as well. Just text him with his email priestlevenospell@gmail.com let him know what you want (1) If you want your ex back. (2) if you always have bad dreams. (3) You want to be promoted in your office. (4) You want women/men to run after you. (5) If you want a child.

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Cynthia Smith
Community Member
4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The ex is doing it on purpose, she may also be narcissist and simply unable to put anyone else's needs above her own. Husband/father is doing the right thing taking care of his children. I'm sorry the wife's plans were disrupted but Dad can't abandon his children like their mom did. In the future, refuse to switch weekends . This will set a precedent and you will no longer need to clear your plans through the ex first.

sarah_bell avatar
Sarah Bell
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She is doing this on purpose! There is a good likelihood of the ex-wife hoping to cost them money in non refundable deposits and cause arguments between the couple . She sees the pattern and knows that the ex is taking advantage and acting shady as hell. Husband needs to stand up for his wife and himself . She needs to take a family member(s) or friend(s) and enjoy those days away from all of the drama because, unfortunately, with an ex like her, the drama will still be waiting on her return .

micheldurinx avatar
Marcellus II
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Why the "AITA"-sauce? There's no question, there's just (justified!) venting.

pattyrutzler avatar
Patty T
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Your husband isn't accommodating his ex as much as he is trying to watch out for his kids. Kids will always come first. ALWAYS.

moxiegraphix avatar
Jeanette Thompson
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nah. He needs to set boundaries with the ex wife. It isn't like both of them didn't know well in advance they had plans. The ex is doing this on purpose and she's going to be the reason they divorce and her kids lose out on a stepmother that actually does care about them but also values her own time.

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kellybrooke3091 avatar
Pandroid Rebellion
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She did that on purpose BECAUSE you told her ahead of time and your husband is a dumbass.

davidkirscht avatar
Duuuuuuude
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

YTA. Your husband is just as affected by this as you are, and the kids didn't ask to be in the situation they're in. Maybe I'd be more sympathetic if I knew the ex wife's situation. She might have been scheduled last minute and may not be able to refuse. I don't hear anything about her having a full time partner to help with the kids. So I'll assume she's a single mom doing her best. Bottom line is, canceled plans sums up a lot of what raising kids is like. Get over yourself.

mandylovell avatar
Mandy Lovell
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She didn't have to take the job especially knowing the father and step mother weren't around... she also could have found child care on her own... it was her time with the kids and had advance notice that they would be away... her responsibility... also sounds like she does it a lot and doesn't do much to help them out... partner of her own or not... she can cancel not them... I won't change my plans or schedule to accommodate someone who won't do the same anymore... literally in the same spot as this girl and until the ex is held accountable nothing will change...

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snewlands2 avatar
JammaCoast2Coast
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I hate these copy and paste stories from Reddit. If I wanted to read Reddit articles, I wouldn't be on BP

howdylee avatar
howdylee
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

oh dear lord, please please please BP, STOP with the AITA!!!! It was insufferable when stolen from Reddit, I will downvote every AITA post originating from BP!

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mega smacky
Community Member
5 months ago

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Of course it's a woman pulling this stunt.

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