“AITA For Breaking My Deathbed Promise To My Wife To Take Care Of Her Down’s Syndrome Daughter?”
Interview With Expert
Losing your loved one is probably the worst thing to happen in a person’s life. The grief is unbearable, your whole life is turned upside down, and everything that you did together you are now left to deal with alone.
It is even more heartbreaking being left with a kid who can’t understand that their parent is gone and puts all the blame on you when you are already suffering a lot. One Reddit user who could not take care of his stepdaughter with Down syndrome ended up in a similar situation and broke his promise that he made to his late wife.
More info: Reddit
Grief is extremely painful and hearing your stepdaughter being angry at you for her mom’s death makes it even worse
Image credits: Cliff Booth (not the actual photo)
Man shares that his late wife’s entire life was about her daughter who has Down syndrome and can’t control her emotional impulses
Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto (not the actual photo)
He says that all their friends stopped visiting due to feeling unsafe in their house and he himself has been injured quite a few times due to his stepdaughter’s violent outbursts
Image credits: Alexander Grey (not the actual photo)
He adds that his wife was the only person who could calm her down and on her deathbed, she made him promise not to let her fall into the hands of a state care facility
Image credits: Throwawayvwd4
A couple months after the man’s wife passed away, he made a decision to put her in a state-run facility as he can’t afford a caregiver, leading to family calling him an ‘evil stepfather’
Recently, a Reddit user took his heartbreaking story online, asking community members if he was in fact being a jerk for breaking his deathbed promise to his wife to take care of her daughter who has Down syndrome. The post caught a lot of attention and collected over 22.3K upvotes and almost 6K comments.
The original poster (OP) starts his story by sharing that he recently lost his wife to cancer. He notes that her whole life revolved around her daughter who has Down syndrome. OP had been in her life since she was just 5 years old and once she physically developed to the point that punches, scratches or throwing things were a real threat, everything changed.
His wife’s friends stopped visiting due to feeling unsafe, his own kids won’t visit him anymore and he has also found himself at the doctor for injuries many times. OP adds that his wife was the only one who could calm her daughter down and even caregivers were struggling to help. On his wife’s deathbed, she made him promise not to let her daughter fall into the hands of a state care facility.
OP shares that 2 months after his wife’s passing, his stepdaughter remains the same. She doesn’t understand that her mom is dead and is only angry at him for that. After a lot of thinking, he decided to put his stepdaughter in a state-run facility as caregivers are expensive and he can’t afford anything better.
Community members were supportive towards the man and shamed his family for criticizing him, but not helping. “It’s a nightmare situation, and if your former in-laws believe your action is so evil, I’m sure they’ve begun taking steps to be her caregivers themselves,” one user wrote. “Those family members who are calling you names are more than welcome to open their homes to your stepdaughter,” another added.
Image credits: Cliff Booth (not the actual photo)
“Individuals with Down syndrome – or any other type of unique ability – should be valued for their abilities and not for what they cannot do,” Dan Vosnos, Director of Advocacy and Development at GiGi’s Playhouse, shared with Bored Panda. “Given that context, until society fully embraces and includes ALL individuals in ALL aspects of life (education, workforce, living independently) individuals with unique abilities may never quite live up to their potential.”
While it’s clear that support is crucial for both individuals with Down syndrome and their families, Dan notes that support starts at home with a loving and caring family. Also, individuals with Down syndrome should be fully included in a blended learning environment at school. “Support systems must be rooted in inclusion in all aspects of life for the individual with Down syndrome. Only then will we see individuals living and prospering independently,” he emphasizes.
Speaking about concerns that revolve around the ability to live independently and contribute positively and meaningfully to society, Dan says that parents and/or caregivers should continue to advocate for inclusion in all stages of life. “The more independence we can foster at an early age – the better the life experiences for ALL involved.”
Finally, communities can foster inclusivity and understanding for individuals with Down syndrome and their families by advocating for inclusion from birth on. “We are ALL more alike than different,” Dan notes. “Individuals with Down syndrome have challenges, yes. But so do you and I. When individuals with Down syndrome are included with their peers in a classroom, it’s the peers who are exposed to someone who is different from them at an early age.”
“Down the road, when they enter the workforce, individuals will feel more comfortable hiring an individual with Down syndrome (or any other unique ability) because they were exposed at an early age,” he emphasizes.
Also, don’t forget to check out GiGi’s Playhouse website, Instagram, Facebook and YouTube channels!
But what do you think about this situation? Does this man deserve all the shame coming from his family members? Or did he do the right thing? Share your thoughts below!
Redditors backed up the man in this situation and supported him
I think some people skipped after reading his wife left hi everything but... And didn't see the end of that sentence where he said: that's still barely enough for the state facility. He will have to pay his whole money to get her into care. And he gets older. He won't be able to defend himself against her rage much longer, and if he doesn't get her into a care facility now they will put her in a prison facility for mentally impaired if she manages to choke him to death. People shame and blame parents of such disabled children far too much so they keep them home, even when it would be better for them to grow up in a decent facility. If he and his wife had found a good care facility while she was much younger, they could have both worked and built up a trust fund for her gor the day they both die. Their family wouldn't be so estranged and maybe even help financially. But those relatives are responsible too for sitting on the high horse and judging him. He is 55. He tried his best.
The problem, it seems, is that many people cling to some romanticized vision of parents happily sacrificing everything for their children, as well as honoring a spouse's dying wish - utterly ignorant of the realities of caring for someone with this severe of a disability.
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Had I stopped at the title, I might have stayed angry at the OP. The daughter's violence absolutely complicates the situation. A neighbour has DS, it's a lot of work for his mother, but he's utterly charming, funny, and sociable. Hence, not hard to find someone to give her a break. If someone is violent, getting respite is hugely difficult. Plus even professional caretakers get injured.
A friend's daughter suffered a brain injury that required surgery after being violently attacked by an adult with mental disabilities at a care facility. I do not blame the stepfather in this case.
Load More Replies... I think some people skipped after reading his wife left hi everything but... And didn't see the end of that sentence where he said: that's still barely enough for the state facility. He will have to pay his whole money to get her into care. And he gets older. He won't be able to defend himself against her rage much longer, and if he doesn't get her into a care facility now they will put her in a prison facility for mentally impaired if she manages to choke him to death. People shame and blame parents of such disabled children far too much so they keep them home, even when it would be better for them to grow up in a decent facility. If he and his wife had found a good care facility while she was much younger, they could have both worked and built up a trust fund for her gor the day they both die. Their family wouldn't be so estranged and maybe even help financially. But those relatives are responsible too for sitting on the high horse and judging him. He is 55. He tried his best.
The problem, it seems, is that many people cling to some romanticized vision of parents happily sacrificing everything for their children, as well as honoring a spouse's dying wish - utterly ignorant of the realities of caring for someone with this severe of a disability.
Load More Replies... Had I stopped at the title, I might have stayed angry at the OP. The daughter's violence absolutely complicates the situation. A neighbour has DS, it's a lot of work for his mother, but he's utterly charming, funny, and sociable. Hence, not hard to find someone to give her a break. If someone is violent, getting respite is hugely difficult. Plus even professional caretakers get injured.
A friend's daughter suffered a brain injury that required surgery after being violently attacked by an adult with mental disabilities at a care facility. I do not blame the stepfather in this case.
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