Woman Feels Bad For Refusing To Give Up A Life She’s Built Abroad To Help Her Sister With Twins, Asks If She’s Wrong
Interview
A 26-year-old woman turned to the AITA community on Reddit for a moral judgement.
In a post that amassed 1.8k comments and 10.1k upvotes, the author explained that her younger sister Sadie, who lives in Canada with her newborn twins, has been going through hard times.
“I moved to England a few years ago to study at my dream university. I ended staying there with my now husband, Lewis (30m),” the author explained. But recently, the Redditor received a request from Sadie to which she felt no choice but to say no.
People tend to do whatever it takes to help their family in need, however, there are times when it’s just not possible
Image credits: RODNAE Productions (not the actual photo)
A 26-year-old woman refuses to move to Canada to help her family who is going through very challenging times and wonders if she’s wrong to do so
Image credits: National Cancer Institute (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto (not the actual photo)
Image credits: AlarmingCrew6726
“If you choose to carry forward beliefs from your family, that’s great. If you decide to go in an entirely different direction, that’s OK, too,” an expert says
When you’re a part of a family, there is always a chance of a disagreement; conflict, quarrels and drama between relatives are almost impossible to avoid. It’s all human and completely normal, because we all have different beliefs and values that, more often than not, clash.
And while we all agree that family conflict to some degree is normal, it’s the repair that matters the most. Many people struggle to find reconciliation, so we reached out to Susan DeCou, a certified stress management coach with over 30 years of experience coaching others in the corporate world as a trainer, coach, manager, and mentor, helping others become the best they can possibly be, to find out how to start restoring friendly family relationships.
DeCou told us that as part of people’s stress management program, she advises her clients to write down what their belief system and value system includes. “What is important to you? What are the traits that you believe are important for a human being to have? If you choose to carry forward beliefs from your family or culture, then that’s great. If you decide to go in an entirely different direction, that’s OK, too,” she explained.
There are also some key questions to ask yourself when you’re not sure how to move forward. “Am I hurting myself by doing this? Am I hurting someone else? Does this action fall within the boundaries of my value system? What would my heroes do in this situation? Am I willing to accept the consequences of this action?”
According to DeCou, every situation is different, so it’s important to take your time and make calm, rational decisions in big situations like this. “Don’t let your emotional self rule the day,” she concluded.
Many people thought that the author was not in the wrong to refuse to leave her home to be with her family
My sister expects me to be a full time mom to her 2 autistic kids if something happens to her. She didn't ask me how I felt about it. When I said that my own kids are grown up and I'm doing my own thing, she argued that she had left enough funds so that I didn't have to work. Didn't occur to her that I have a career or a life.
Sorry to hear that LeeAnne B. Hope your sister came around and started thinking from your point of view. My husband has an adult daughter who thinks like this all the time. Like we're a pair of inanimate dolls at our home that are always available to watch the grand baby. No phone call, no planning. Just the assumption that we don't have lives. So, I know how you feel. Good for you for being straight forward and honest.
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These reads like Days of Our Lives. And given how common and known it is that people use Reddit forums for creative writing exercises for karma…I’m inclined not to believe it.
Well I never really understood why that would be a problem. After all, this forum is supposed to make people see different points of view and better their perspectives about different things. Even if it isn't true, it could totally be and it's just an exercise of trying to figure out what would be appropriate to do in such a situation
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I don't believe anyone here is the AH. We have a newborn baby at home, and I can't imagine taking care of two, and that's with two of us, plus her mum and sister helping out. Sounds like OP's sister is really freaking out. I'm sure asking her sister to come home was a last resort, and her mother is extremely worried. Yes, it's a huge ask, and OP is (of course) perfectly in her rights to refuse, but the request is understandable. It sounds like an all-round terrible situation.
I'm not sure what the OP's work situation is, but maybe she could go home for a month to help out. It sounds like things are really hard right now. Uprooting and moving to Canada is too much, but helping her family get through this crisis would make a big difference.
Yes. I'm having a hard time understanding why everyone is ignoring the fact that, if I read the post correctly, her father is dieing from cancer. Personally, I would want to go home to help and to spend time with my father, if finances allowed. I'm not saying OP should move home, but it seems strange that so little emphasis is placed on the father being terminal.
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It's a sad situation, but I do think they have the right to decline without being made to feel guilty for wanting to live their lives in a place they love. It sounds like the couple both have jobs and are settled and are probably not thinking of having kids themselves until they are ready for such a commitment (financially, especially). If they are already sending money to help with childcare, why does her sister need them to physically be there? Emotional support, or does she expect her sister to not work and help look after her kids? And for them give up their home and current careers? That is a massive ask. Hopefully, her family understand it is asking too much and gracefully accepts their decision.
Bit suspicious, this. All these dead people and no money for the kids? Tyler died in an accident but the auto insurance didn’t pay off to support this children? No estate from the sister (even work life insurance?) or parents? Did Tyler actually exist or is the baby daddy a regular deadbeat?
I would not just up and move not just to another country, but another continent. That is a crazy thing to expect of someone.
There are agencies that will help OPs sister, she needs to look there. Her sister can't be expected to drop everything just to help her out. Sending money was way above and beyond reasonable.
I Wonder if OP and husband could take a holiday to go and help organize some support for them. I am in a situation and it would be helpful for someone to come and "take over" for a day or 2 plus help with the mental burn out that prevents us from being able to find all the resources we need.
Dang! My brother moved to Ohio from North Carolina to help me with my medically complex son when our father (who has been helping me) died. He offered to do this and l was eternally grateful! But I would never have dreamt of asking him to make that move, let alone the one in this post! Sheesh?
If you have residency in England, your immediate family, can move to join you. UK has many free childcare hours and free health care. Its not your responsibility to raise your sister's kids, but you could be around more if you wanted, if they came to you. Lao uprooting one vs.twi adults, and your husband (if British) couldn't work in Canada for more than a year, so you'd have to support both of you on your own in Canada. Asking you to move makes her the AH, but asking for help and support is normal.
NTA. My sister asked our whole family for help with her twins 5 mins down the road. We ALL helped out. Mum, bro, me and one other sis. For 12 years. Then I put my foot down. You send money for childcare which is generous enough. I think the workload is a lot for them but asking to uproot a life is naïve. Especially as it seems likely that one burden will pass on fairly soon.
If the sister can´t cope with the help she is already getting and is that desperate maybe having the kids isn't the right thing for her...
This is particularly interesting to me because partners, traditionally women, do this for 'romantic' reasons. A husband or boyfriend gets an 'opportunity of a lifetime' and his partner drops her whole life to follow him to a new city or even country. Hopefully it works out for the best. In thi case, it was a very understandable request given the desperate situation. Saying no was also understandable but I feel like I
Sounds like the best op can do for her family is do a bit of research and get her the name of some organizations that are close at hand and can offer practical help
Well, I think a prolonged visit, if you can make this possible in regard to husband's job, preferably of you both, wouldn't be wrong, to help and to see Dad again in case his lung cancer turns out to be one of the fast killing type (not everyone ... I don't know any about this particular case, of course, ...), or of you alone if your husband's work - do you work? Can they make do with you working remotely? - can't accomodate. But moving back is asked a little much, and you're perfectly fine to refuse to do that. I get that helping family often takes a toll, I had a fair share of that, too, and then some, but turning your life around ... well, can't SHE move to england? There is no nice solution to some situations. They suck, and they can't be made unsucking.
Wouldn't it be easier on everyone if the younger sister asked if she could move in with them in England?
well, I moved cities to help out my sister and her very young daughter when she was going through troubled times with her husband, but once she settled, I moved to another city. She sometimes emotionally blackmails me into coming back, but she has also learned to live by herself and we are on good terms...she visits me with her daughter and I visit her too...I think it also depends on the bond and visiting for a while to help settle things is different from asking them to uproot the entire family and move to another country...
How about the sister and the twins move to England for a while? Would that be an option? That way u could help without having to move back to Canada.
They would be unlikely to get a visa to live in England. They could stay for a holiday, but that would probably be more trouble than it is worth.
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I just think that the op should help taking care of her sick father ,it's what she should do for the family as a daughter,her younger sister as a healthy adult should do what she can do herself
My sister expects me to be a full time mom to her 2 autistic kids if something happens to her. She didn't ask me how I felt about it. When I said that my own kids are grown up and I'm doing my own thing, she argued that she had left enough funds so that I didn't have to work. Didn't occur to her that I have a career or a life.
Sorry to hear that LeeAnne B. Hope your sister came around and started thinking from your point of view. My husband has an adult daughter who thinks like this all the time. Like we're a pair of inanimate dolls at our home that are always available to watch the grand baby. No phone call, no planning. Just the assumption that we don't have lives. So, I know how you feel. Good for you for being straight forward and honest.
Load More Replies... These reads like Days of Our Lives. And given how common and known it is that people use Reddit forums for creative writing exercises for karma…I’m inclined not to believe it.
Well I never really understood why that would be a problem. After all, this forum is supposed to make people see different points of view and better their perspectives about different things. Even if it isn't true, it could totally be and it's just an exercise of trying to figure out what would be appropriate to do in such a situation
Load More Replies... I don't believe anyone here is the AH. We have a newborn baby at home, and I can't imagine taking care of two, and that's with two of us, plus her mum and sister helping out. Sounds like OP's sister is really freaking out. I'm sure asking her sister to come home was a last resort, and her mother is extremely worried. Yes, it's a huge ask, and OP is (of course) perfectly in her rights to refuse, but the request is understandable. It sounds like an all-round terrible situation.
I'm not sure what the OP's work situation is, but maybe she could go home for a month to help out. It sounds like things are really hard right now. Uprooting and moving to Canada is too much, but helping her family get through this crisis would make a big difference.
Yes. I'm having a hard time understanding why everyone is ignoring the fact that, if I read the post correctly, her father is dieing from cancer. Personally, I would want to go home to help and to spend time with my father, if finances allowed. I'm not saying OP should move home, but it seems strange that so little emphasis is placed on the father being terminal.
Load More Replies... It's a sad situation, but I do think they have the right to decline without being made to feel guilty for wanting to live their lives in a place they love. It sounds like the couple both have jobs and are settled and are probably not thinking of having kids themselves until they are ready for such a commitment (financially, especially). If they are already sending money to help with childcare, why does her sister need them to physically be there? Emotional support, or does she expect her sister to not work and help look after her kids? And for them give up their home and current careers? That is a massive ask. Hopefully, her family understand it is asking too much and gracefully accepts their decision.
Bit suspicious, this. All these dead people and no money for the kids? Tyler died in an accident but the auto insurance didn’t pay off to support this children? No estate from the sister (even work life insurance?) or parents? Did Tyler actually exist or is the baby daddy a regular deadbeat?
I would not just up and move not just to another country, but another continent. That is a crazy thing to expect of someone.
There are agencies that will help OPs sister, she needs to look there. Her sister can't be expected to drop everything just to help her out. Sending money was way above and beyond reasonable.
I Wonder if OP and husband could take a holiday to go and help organize some support for them. I am in a situation and it would be helpful for someone to come and "take over" for a day or 2 plus help with the mental burn out that prevents us from being able to find all the resources we need.
Dang! My brother moved to Ohio from North Carolina to help me with my medically complex son when our father (who has been helping me) died. He offered to do this and l was eternally grateful! But I would never have dreamt of asking him to make that move, let alone the one in this post! Sheesh?
If you have residency in England, your immediate family, can move to join you. UK has many free childcare hours and free health care. Its not your responsibility to raise your sister's kids, but you could be around more if you wanted, if they came to you. Lao uprooting one vs.twi adults, and your husband (if British) couldn't work in Canada for more than a year, so you'd have to support both of you on your own in Canada. Asking you to move makes her the AH, but asking for help and support is normal.
NTA. My sister asked our whole family for help with her twins 5 mins down the road. We ALL helped out. Mum, bro, me and one other sis. For 12 years. Then I put my foot down. You send money for childcare which is generous enough. I think the workload is a lot for them but asking to uproot a life is naïve. Especially as it seems likely that one burden will pass on fairly soon.
If the sister can´t cope with the help she is already getting and is that desperate maybe having the kids isn't the right thing for her...
This is particularly interesting to me because partners, traditionally women, do this for 'romantic' reasons. A husband or boyfriend gets an 'opportunity of a lifetime' and his partner drops her whole life to follow him to a new city or even country. Hopefully it works out for the best. In thi case, it was a very understandable request given the desperate situation. Saying no was also understandable but I feel like I
Sounds like the best op can do for her family is do a bit of research and get her the name of some organizations that are close at hand and can offer practical help
Well, I think a prolonged visit, if you can make this possible in regard to husband's job, preferably of you both, wouldn't be wrong, to help and to see Dad again in case his lung cancer turns out to be one of the fast killing type (not everyone ... I don't know any about this particular case, of course, ...), or of you alone if your husband's work - do you work? Can they make do with you working remotely? - can't accomodate. But moving back is asked a little much, and you're perfectly fine to refuse to do that. I get that helping family often takes a toll, I had a fair share of that, too, and then some, but turning your life around ... well, can't SHE move to england? There is no nice solution to some situations. They suck, and they can't be made unsucking.
Wouldn't it be easier on everyone if the younger sister asked if she could move in with them in England?
well, I moved cities to help out my sister and her very young daughter when she was going through troubled times with her husband, but once she settled, I moved to another city. She sometimes emotionally blackmails me into coming back, but she has also learned to live by herself and we are on good terms...she visits me with her daughter and I visit her too...I think it also depends on the bond and visiting for a while to help settle things is different from asking them to uproot the entire family and move to another country...
How about the sister and the twins move to England for a while? Would that be an option? That way u could help without having to move back to Canada.
They would be unlikely to get a visa to live in England. They could stay for a holiday, but that would probably be more trouble than it is worth.
Load More Replies... I just think that the op should help taking care of her sick father ,it's what she should do for the family as a daughter,her younger sister as a healthy adult should do what she can do herself
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