“Hated Every Second Of It”: Couple Refuse To Host Family Ever Again After What They Did
Having a large home is normally a cause for celebration. You have more space and room for kids and you can host friends and family when the need arises. Hosting can be tiring, but rewarding, however, that all goes out the window if the people who have entered your home have no manners at all.
A woman and her husband caused some family drama when they refused to host their in-laws who had absolutely trashed their home the last time they visited. Commenters aggressively sided with OP and did their best to give some suggestions.
Hosting at your home can be a lot of work and fun at the same time
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But one woman’s in-laws were such horrible guests that she decided to ban them from their home
Image credits: Nicole Michalou / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Liza Summer / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Poplar_Flower_4409
Image credits: fauxels / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Hosting means taking on a certain responsibility
Historically, the vast amount of cultures and religions worldwide would argue pretty heavily for the rights and privileges of a guest. The host would, generally, have to take responsibility to wine and dine, entertain, and protect the various people who have entered their home. Hospitality has always been a valued trait for good reason, in the age before Uber and Airbnb, traveling often meant putting yourself at significant risk.
In some ways, this is still true today. Who can forget the uproar and confusion caused by the revelation that Swedish parents won’t feed their kid’s friends when they come over? Incidentally, this isn’t as bad as it sounds, it’s simply a way to avoid putting a kid on a specific diet or with food allergies at risk.
All in all, it does already seem like hosting comes with enough chores and tasks. Cooking and cleaning (or at least paying for these services) is generally accepted, plus, once kids are involved, there will be some messiness and chaos. However, as OP and basically anyone else can confidently confirm, the husband’s family went far beyond what might be expected. A mess can be forgiven, but the violation of personal space is a step too far.
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Sometimes family members might think you owe them something
The things she lists range from deeply annoying to downright disturbing. For example, first and foremost, whoever looted the medicine cabinet. There are really no good scenarios here, either some kids started pilfering random pills or there was an adult who really thought they needed OP’s medicine.
They also mention the food waste and dirty plates. While it might not seem like much in itself, as anyone who has dealt with roaches and ants knows, leaving food just lying about is a major risk. It’s also telling that the only person to actually check if the hosts needed anything was not a blood relative of the husband. However, family being entitled is nothing new, unfortunately.
It’s also worth mentioning the fact that, as far as we know, none of the guests offered to bring food, snacks or a dish. While much of the legwork is placed on the host, in many cultures it’s considered rude to show up empty-handed. One should at least bring a few things to put on the table. The amount of entitlement on display is downright concerning.
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At the end of the day, guests shouldn’t wreck your home
All in all, OP’s desire to ban her in-laws from the house is well-founded and completely warranted. Who even knows what sort of damage they might do in the long run? As new homeowners, it’s pretty normal to be attached to the place you live. The fact that they fully dismissed her concerns is also quite questionable. If they see this sort of behavior as normal and acceptable, what will they get up to when they are even more comfortable?
Fortunately, for OP, she has both her husband and the internet squarely on her side. Indeed, just the fact that she had to ask the internet if it was ok to not host people who trashed her home is a good indicator that her in-laws gaslighting was getting to her. Hopefully, this will just strengthen their resolve to keep these folks away.
She shared some more information with the readers
Most commenters wholeheartedly sided with OP
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We're building our dream house right now. Hubby already joked about not even giving our new address to his family lol. I can't imagine hosting a bunch of obnoxious and oblivious people on holidays.
Just offer them the address of a convenient PO Box. If they want to send something, they can. If they want to visit, well, that'll he a weird experience for them, but whatever floats their boat. Maybe you'll seem them picking up your mail.
Load More Replies... My take is that OP and husband have a bigger and nicer house than any of the in-laws, so they think they’re rich and can afford help to clean up after unruly guests, and new furniture when kids and dogs and ill-mannered adults ruin it. Just my opinion here, but it seems that the in-laws plan to take every advantage possible of OP and husband they can think of. Good on them for putting their foot down right away.
I agree. The in laws think their child is a child. The house is a toy and the child needs to share. They do not see it as a home, much less as an investment by their child. This is the plan. Go to the play house and play.
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When we bought our new home a few months after we got married, we had his family over for a birthday party. That was almost 31 years ago and they've never been invited over since, although a couple of them have shown up at the door once or twice. Tracked dirt and mud everywhere, would sneak off to visit our traumatized pets that were tucked away in bedrooms with signs instructing "Do Not Open". Left trash everywhere. Half expected to be waited on hand and foot, other half took over where they didn't like what we had planned. No one helped clean up anything.
I go to my mums house for dinner and end up doing half the cooking, same at my brothers house, and we always help each other tidy up etc - it's called being a family ?
You are definitely not the AH and they are completely unreasonable. It’s common courtesy to help with basic things like bringing some food if there are a lot of people there. And the fact that they didn’t even think about asking you if it would be okay to not take their shoes off and touch stuff. THEY EVEN BROUGHT THEIR DOG. The effort alone would outweigh the arguments caused by not attending. Keep them out unless they become more respectful. If they are able to behave in other homes they can behave in your home.
Time to go on vacation (far, far away) the next time a family gathering is planned.
Someone suggested this already, but tell your in-laws to be the host on the next get together, so you guys can "take pointers" as to how to host the family reunions. Be as chaotic as they all were, and make sure to get your shoes all covered in mud before going in, spill drinks/food on the sofa, move a couple things out of place...the whole nine yards!!!!! xx
NOPE. Manners are manners, regardless of whose house you're at. If you have standards at your house, you take them with you. If you don't have standards, then stay the hell at home. Not hard.
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I want to know, who hosted the previous family get togethers? Is this the first time they have gotten together as a family?
Wow, my mom would have kicked people out before we even had a meal if they behaved like that in her house. Yes, the grandkids can be messy and a bit loud, but we don't let them act like total animals! And if you're an adult, you help pick up after them and share in chores. That's just how civilized families work. I can't imagine going to someone's house and ignoring simple rules. How entitled!
Dear lady, you are kind to ask whether you are at fault here. You are most definitely not. Your guests do not know how to be guests; they probably think that because they are family they can get away with behaviour they display at their own homes. No: a guest is on time, is well-behaved, doesn't destroy the furniture, helps out when he/she sees help is needed, doesn't scream and, if children are around and stop children from behaving like vandals. They think pitching in defeats the purpose of someone else hosting: that should tell you enough about their attitude. Don't host them anymore. Alternatively, invite them together with your family: that would make for an interesting dynamic!
There is something like good hosting, and also like being a good guest! Your parents and family failed that part miserably. Tell them to rent a hotel or restaurant or whatever and everyone pays part of the bill. Maybe just a McDonalds that has children's facilities. No worry about anything.
Coming from a family where shoes on in the house, and dogs on the furniture wasn't frowned upon I find some of their complaints a bit much. But some of them are absolutely valid, and even the ones I don't like (like the no shoes/dogs ones) are still *their house, their rules* so I'd expect to follow them. It is a bit weird that the hubby is surprised by the behaviour, but then again it's possible he just has a short memory and doesn't remember running around like a wild animal when he was a little kid too.
My brother and his wife sort of accidentally acquired a large place when they moved back to the area (long story, but genuinely an accident). They discovered pretty quickly they like being the hosts, but I think a large part if that is that most of the family help out - we cook, we help clean up... Usually when they crawl down the stairs the morning(ish) after, every single room has been cleared of glasses, which are sparkling on the drainer because we've washed up. I can't imagine acting like this family. Not and expect a repeat invite, at the very least. You are a guest in someone else's home - respect that! Their home, their rules.
My step children are adults and have young children (3, 4, 5,7). It's awful. They respect the no shoes rule but everything else op noted happens. We love them and do have them over en mass on rare occasions. My husband knows the next day is going to be a cleaning frenzy. Personal favorite WTH was a beer, half consumed, found behind the toilet in the basement. Good times.
Your house isn't a daycare or restaurant or hotel. Your guests didn't use manners. The parents of the kids knowing your didn't have kids didn't bring something for them to do (next time say it's an adult party and to get a sitter or don't come) and let them run amok in your home. Placing bins around for trash is common but people leaving trash everywhere is gross. Bringing a pet to someone's home and letting it go wherever is gross. I mean not bathroom but in general on furniture is gross. It takes up a seat and honestly shouldn't have been brought along. Taking shoes off should be told at the door or on the invite over and having other footwear for guests or just dealing with the shoes might have to happen. (Some people don't wear nice socks or have house slippers to bring.) but in general the family that came sounds so entitled that I'd stand my ground too over having them back unless it was an outdoor summer bbq where they could be monitored not to trash your home.
I would ban them FOREVER from my house for events, and hubby decides he wants family to come in and act like a bunch of feral cats, I would tell him, "Fine. If YOU invite them, then YOU host them. I won't be here." Then book yourself a nice weekend getaway for the holiday ON HIS CREDIT CARD, buy a nice bottle of wine and enjoy yourself.
My brother was always kind of a weirdo, but he took both me and my wife by complete surprice when we invited him over shortly after moving in together (she had met him before that and kinda laughed off his weirdness). When we sat down to eat, he immediately grapped the pork meat tray and loaded about 95 % of it onto his plate, then grabbed the sauce bowl and litterally poured 3 quarters of the content over the meat and started eating. my wife and I could have 1 slice of thin pork and the veggies and a sliver of sauce to contend with. So I took none and went to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich instead so that my wife could at least have the semblence of a meal she had cooked so lovingly for all of us. Then he acted his usual weird manner for the rest of the night, and upon leaving turned and pointed to a sign on his jacket, saying "I'm a man." My wife lost it then and there and said "Pretty pathetic that you have to say it out loud for people to know." We never invited him again.
People actually go into other people's medicine cabinets??? I thought that was just a sitcom thing damn... Glad we don't have a medicine cabinet; my prescriptions are tucked out of eyeline in a kitchen cupboard. Also bringing a non- medical pet to someone's house without asking first is super sh1tty.
They brought a dog and let the dog on the furniture! These people are horrible and I'd never allow them in my house again. I host every family get together, I have the larger house and the skills to pull it off, but if my family had been that family, there would have been 1 hosting.
When they ask about next time, reply "I think we should rotate it." If they object, raise you middle finger and repeat "Rotate".
This is cracking me. MIL thinks it’s like hazing. Oh, you have to do your time. Let your house get damaged. Let your things get destroyed. Spend a lot of money; use a lot of time. Nobody will thank you. But “we’re faaaamileee” Like the stories older people tell of crappy workplaces: “you have to work off the clock to get ahead.” “you have to let your boss talk to you that way.” “you have to give up X, Y and Z. no, the eff I don’t.
My parents used to host a lot of holidays every time. At some point as I got older, I noticed we stopped entirely or only spent the times with other family if they hosted (which was very rare). Many holidays became everyone meeting at restaurants that were still open and sharing a meal. Now I understand: my parents would put a lot of work and effort into decorating, cleaning, and setting up the main dishes. The adult cousins' contribution: one side of mashed potatoes. I remember feeling hurt as kid when I realized our family was getting together less and less but as an adult with my own house and starting to host my own events, I can tell exactly where they were coming from. Holidays should be enjoyed by everyone, not just the guests.
This wouldn't work for these people but in general why wait for someone to offer help? You can make a big announcement about needing help in the clean up and see who steps up. You might be surprised who was feeling awkward or how many people are in a food coma that they just wasn't thinking.
Most of the stuff that she complained about seemed pretty minor to me. I would guess she just doesn't care for hosting things at her home. That's fine. If you are getting mad at guests because they don't push in their chair, or because their kids are running around yelling and having fun, then you probably just aren't meant to host.
We're building our dream house right now. Hubby already joked about not even giving our new address to his family lol. I can't imagine hosting a bunch of obnoxious and oblivious people on holidays.
Just offer them the address of a convenient PO Box. If they want to send something, they can. If they want to visit, well, that'll he a weird experience for them, but whatever floats their boat. Maybe you'll seem them picking up your mail.
Load More Replies... My take is that OP and husband have a bigger and nicer house than any of the in-laws, so they think they’re rich and can afford help to clean up after unruly guests, and new furniture when kids and dogs and ill-mannered adults ruin it. Just my opinion here, but it seems that the in-laws plan to take every advantage possible of OP and husband they can think of. Good on them for putting their foot down right away.
I agree. The in laws think their child is a child. The house is a toy and the child needs to share. They do not see it as a home, much less as an investment by their child. This is the plan. Go to the play house and play.
Load More Replies... When we bought our new home a few months after we got married, we had his family over for a birthday party. That was almost 31 years ago and they've never been invited over since, although a couple of them have shown up at the door once or twice. Tracked dirt and mud everywhere, would sneak off to visit our traumatized pets that were tucked away in bedrooms with signs instructing "Do Not Open". Left trash everywhere. Half expected to be waited on hand and foot, other half took over where they didn't like what we had planned. No one helped clean up anything.
I go to my mums house for dinner and end up doing half the cooking, same at my brothers house, and we always help each other tidy up etc - it's called being a family ?
You are definitely not the AH and they are completely unreasonable. It’s common courtesy to help with basic things like bringing some food if there are a lot of people there. And the fact that they didn’t even think about asking you if it would be okay to not take their shoes off and touch stuff. THEY EVEN BROUGHT THEIR DOG. The effort alone would outweigh the arguments caused by not attending. Keep them out unless they become more respectful. If they are able to behave in other homes they can behave in your home.
Time to go on vacation (far, far away) the next time a family gathering is planned.
Someone suggested this already, but tell your in-laws to be the host on the next get together, so you guys can "take pointers" as to how to host the family reunions. Be as chaotic as they all were, and make sure to get your shoes all covered in mud before going in, spill drinks/food on the sofa, move a couple things out of place...the whole nine yards!!!!! xx
NOPE. Manners are manners, regardless of whose house you're at. If you have standards at your house, you take them with you. If you don't have standards, then stay the hell at home. Not hard.
Load More Replies... I want to know, who hosted the previous family get togethers? Is this the first time they have gotten together as a family?
Wow, my mom would have kicked people out before we even had a meal if they behaved like that in her house. Yes, the grandkids can be messy and a bit loud, but we don't let them act like total animals! And if you're an adult, you help pick up after them and share in chores. That's just how civilized families work. I can't imagine going to someone's house and ignoring simple rules. How entitled!
Dear lady, you are kind to ask whether you are at fault here. You are most definitely not. Your guests do not know how to be guests; they probably think that because they are family they can get away with behaviour they display at their own homes. No: a guest is on time, is well-behaved, doesn't destroy the furniture, helps out when he/she sees help is needed, doesn't scream and, if children are around and stop children from behaving like vandals. They think pitching in defeats the purpose of someone else hosting: that should tell you enough about their attitude. Don't host them anymore. Alternatively, invite them together with your family: that would make for an interesting dynamic!
There is something like good hosting, and also like being a good guest! Your parents and family failed that part miserably. Tell them to rent a hotel or restaurant or whatever and everyone pays part of the bill. Maybe just a McDonalds that has children's facilities. No worry about anything.
Coming from a family where shoes on in the house, and dogs on the furniture wasn't frowned upon I find some of their complaints a bit much. But some of them are absolutely valid, and even the ones I don't like (like the no shoes/dogs ones) are still *their house, their rules* so I'd expect to follow them. It is a bit weird that the hubby is surprised by the behaviour, but then again it's possible he just has a short memory and doesn't remember running around like a wild animal when he was a little kid too.
My brother and his wife sort of accidentally acquired a large place when they moved back to the area (long story, but genuinely an accident). They discovered pretty quickly they like being the hosts, but I think a large part if that is that most of the family help out - we cook, we help clean up... Usually when they crawl down the stairs the morning(ish) after, every single room has been cleared of glasses, which are sparkling on the drainer because we've washed up. I can't imagine acting like this family. Not and expect a repeat invite, at the very least. You are a guest in someone else's home - respect that! Their home, their rules.
My step children are adults and have young children (3, 4, 5,7). It's awful. They respect the no shoes rule but everything else op noted happens. We love them and do have them over en mass on rare occasions. My husband knows the next day is going to be a cleaning frenzy. Personal favorite WTH was a beer, half consumed, found behind the toilet in the basement. Good times.
Your house isn't a daycare or restaurant or hotel. Your guests didn't use manners. The parents of the kids knowing your didn't have kids didn't bring something for them to do (next time say it's an adult party and to get a sitter or don't come) and let them run amok in your home. Placing bins around for trash is common but people leaving trash everywhere is gross. Bringing a pet to someone's home and letting it go wherever is gross. I mean not bathroom but in general on furniture is gross. It takes up a seat and honestly shouldn't have been brought along. Taking shoes off should be told at the door or on the invite over and having other footwear for guests or just dealing with the shoes might have to happen. (Some people don't wear nice socks or have house slippers to bring.) but in general the family that came sounds so entitled that I'd stand my ground too over having them back unless it was an outdoor summer bbq where they could be monitored not to trash your home.
I would ban them FOREVER from my house for events, and hubby decides he wants family to come in and act like a bunch of feral cats, I would tell him, "Fine. If YOU invite them, then YOU host them. I won't be here." Then book yourself a nice weekend getaway for the holiday ON HIS CREDIT CARD, buy a nice bottle of wine and enjoy yourself.
My brother was always kind of a weirdo, but he took both me and my wife by complete surprice when we invited him over shortly after moving in together (she had met him before that and kinda laughed off his weirdness). When we sat down to eat, he immediately grapped the pork meat tray and loaded about 95 % of it onto his plate, then grabbed the sauce bowl and litterally poured 3 quarters of the content over the meat and started eating. my wife and I could have 1 slice of thin pork and the veggies and a sliver of sauce to contend with. So I took none and went to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich instead so that my wife could at least have the semblence of a meal she had cooked so lovingly for all of us. Then he acted his usual weird manner for the rest of the night, and upon leaving turned and pointed to a sign on his jacket, saying "I'm a man." My wife lost it then and there and said "Pretty pathetic that you have to say it out loud for people to know." We never invited him again.
People actually go into other people's medicine cabinets??? I thought that was just a sitcom thing damn... Glad we don't have a medicine cabinet; my prescriptions are tucked out of eyeline in a kitchen cupboard. Also bringing a non- medical pet to someone's house without asking first is super sh1tty.
They brought a dog and let the dog on the furniture! These people are horrible and I'd never allow them in my house again. I host every family get together, I have the larger house and the skills to pull it off, but if my family had been that family, there would have been 1 hosting.
When they ask about next time, reply "I think we should rotate it." If they object, raise you middle finger and repeat "Rotate".
This is cracking me. MIL thinks it’s like hazing. Oh, you have to do your time. Let your house get damaged. Let your things get destroyed. Spend a lot of money; use a lot of time. Nobody will thank you. But “we’re faaaamileee” Like the stories older people tell of crappy workplaces: “you have to work off the clock to get ahead.” “you have to let your boss talk to you that way.” “you have to give up X, Y and Z. no, the eff I don’t.
My parents used to host a lot of holidays every time. At some point as I got older, I noticed we stopped entirely or only spent the times with other family if they hosted (which was very rare). Many holidays became everyone meeting at restaurants that were still open and sharing a meal. Now I understand: my parents would put a lot of work and effort into decorating, cleaning, and setting up the main dishes. The adult cousins' contribution: one side of mashed potatoes. I remember feeling hurt as kid when I realized our family was getting together less and less but as an adult with my own house and starting to host my own events, I can tell exactly where they were coming from. Holidays should be enjoyed by everyone, not just the guests.
This wouldn't work for these people but in general why wait for someone to offer help? You can make a big announcement about needing help in the clean up and see who steps up. You might be surprised who was feeling awkward or how many people are in a food coma that they just wasn't thinking.
Most of the stuff that she complained about seemed pretty minor to me. I would guess she just doesn't care for hosting things at her home. That's fine. If you are getting mad at guests because they don't push in their chair, or because their kids are running around yelling and having fun, then you probably just aren't meant to host.
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