Man Livid After Fiancée Reveals She’s Sterilized After Bonding Over Childfree Lifestyle
Interview With Expert
As adorable as kids are, some people are just not made to be parents. However, communicating this to potential partners can be tricky, as figuring out when and how to do it can vary based on a myriad of factors.
This woman was always honest and open about not wanting children from the very first date. Just like she did with her current fiancé. However, after being together for 2 and a half years and getting engaged, the partner changed his mind about living a kid-free life. As a result, she was forced to reveal a secret she had been keeping for the entirety of their relationship.
Scroll down to find the full story and a conversation with licensed professional counselor Mark Verber, who kindly agreed to tell us more about when’s the right time to tell potential partners one can’t have children.
A partner changing his mind about wanting kids can be crushing
Image credit: Polesie Toys/Pexels (n0t the actual photo)
When this woman received such news, she was forced to reveal a secret that she had been hiding from her partner for almost 3 years
Image credit: Yan Krukau/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credit: RDNE Stock project/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credit: Agile-Category7324
Discussing the ability to have children should be done as soon as the couple starts seeing a long-term future together
Image credits: Antoni Shkraba/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Although it can be a tough conversation, it’s important that partners discuss their stance and ability to have children. To learn more about the intricacies surrounding it, Bored Panda reached out to licensed professional counselor Mark Verber.
He says that the timing of discussing this issue might be unique to each couple. However, generally, this should be done as soon as possible, ideally once the couple starts seriously seeing a long-term future together. “Early on in dating can be too soon because the topic isn’t aligned with the status of the relationship,” he explains.
“If the subject of having children is coming up, or topics such as moving in together, significant financial purchases, or changing jobs to suit the relationship – that’s a pretty good indicator that it’s time to broach the conversation,” Verber adds.
He also mentions that it’s important to keep in mind that the longer the conversation stays in a person’s head, the more difficult it will become. On the other hand, the longer it’s out in the open, the easier it will get.
“Shoot for a time when you are likely to be present, relaxed, and in a place that allows for both retreat and reconnection”
Image credits: Juan Vargas/Pexels (not the actual photo)
To make it easier to start such a conversation in the first place, Verber recommends scheduling it when the partner is at ease. “When someone is tired, stressed, or distracted, they are less receptive. Shoot for a time when you are likely to be present, relaxed, and in a place that allows for both retreat and reconnection,” he says.
He also points out, “It should go without saying, but it bears emphasizing that the conversation should take place in person – not via text. Texting may be efficient, but it is not productive in this case.”
Veber further reminds us that “despite the importance of being intentional with timing, it will never be perfect. Waiting for the perfect time or words usually leads to lots of waiting and very few words.”
When approaching this sensitive topic, he often teaches couples to “T” it up for one another, which means prioritizing timing, tone, and tact. “The focus is on when, how, and what is said. It’s also important to understand that this is not likely to be a single conversation but rather an unfolding process of several,” he said. “Try not to judge the ultimate response by the initial reaction. Acceptance and understanding can grow with time. A plan for how to navigate moving forward is essential but secondary.”
While discussing the stance and ability to have children can be a game-changer in a relationship, it doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker. In fact, an OkCupid study found that 72% of respondents would still stay with a partner even after finding out that kids are off the table. More specifically, 75% of men and 67% of women would stay with a significant other who isn’t able to have children and isn’t willing to adopt.
Verber concludes by saying, “As difficult as it is, I encourage people to view situations like this as an ‘annoying opportunity.’ It’s not something you would choose, and it’s not easy, but it can be an opportunity. Couples grow closer and relationships become stronger by responding to adversity in a positive way.”
The author answered a few questions for readers
Meanwhile, they titled her as not wrong
Some even shared similar stories
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The "she's so young, she'll change her mind" pisses me off. I have never wanted kids. From my 14th up to now (57) Never have I doubted this and felt a tingle in my chicken coop. You would not believe how many times I heard the old "oh, you'll change your mind" bullsh!t. She is NTA and if she did not tell him about her sterlilisation then that's her business. They both agreed No Kids. And him letting his friends call her an AH tells us much about his weakness and stupidity.
Chicken coop. There's a euphemism I hadn't heard before lol
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What the hell is it with the assumption that people don't know their own minds? The sheer arrogance of thinking his wants are more important than hers and all he has to do is 'persuade' her to have them for HIS gratification? I always knew I did not want kids. My husband felt exactly the same. And why should she have to make up excuses for not wanting kids? No is a complete sentence, she doesn't owe it to anyone to explain why.
I don’t want kids and I’m up front about that when I meet someone (for a date not just meeting a random person). A former - emphasis on former there - friend got mad at me for telling a guy on a first date that I didn’t want kids (the guy did). According to my friend, “you never know what will happen” which is always code for “you’ll change your mind”. 🙄🙄 The guy, on the other hand, had no issues with me telling him straightaway because it kept us from wasting our time.
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If OP'S fiançé had said that he was open to having kids and OP went along with it, I would deem her the àsshole. But as it stands, she stated upfront that she didn't want children, and her fiançé acted as if he was on the same page. Now HE'S the victim because OP didn't inform him of her procedure? He lied to her face and thought he could change her mind (i.e., baby trap her). He's a crapoy excuse for a human being; OP dodged a Polaris-Poseidon-Patriot ICBM.
How is it even remotely acceptable to announce to your parents that you'll be having kids without ever mentioning it to your partner? This guy doesn't value her as an intelligent human being. Huge red flag.
To me that's as much of a red flag as expecting her to change her mind. Clearly he sees her as a prop in his life.
Load More Replies... She was honest from the start. He was a liar from the start. There's only one AH here and it's not OP. And it's time we stop telling women they don't know their own minds, their bodies , and how they want to live their own lives. Kudos on her for being able to find a surgeon to do that for her, they make it very hard for women. Meanwhile men can literally book a vasectomy online with no referral required.
To people saying she should've said she couldn't have children instead of she didn't want children: No. That is not the same at all and should never be used in this context. Not being able to have children could mean you still want them, you could be open for adoption, surrogacy, etc. or it could mean you have mental health issues because you want them but can't have them. Not wanting children is very clear and true, and it doesn't matter that you also can't have them.
You're right that it doesn't matter and it shouldn't matter. Unfortunately for us, it's necessary to lie sometimes because there's always going to be men out there who think "I can fix this. I'll just get her pregnant and she'll realize she actually wanted kids all along and I'll be the big hero to this princess in disres."
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One of the reasons I got sterilised in my early 20s was to avoid this exact situation! I know of far too many people who’ve discovered two, five, ten years into a relationship that the person who said they were fine with not becoming a parent had been “humouring” them, sure that it was “a phase” because “everyone said” she’ll “come to her senses” when “her biological clock starts ticking”. Telling people up-front that it’s physically impossible makes that a lot less likely.
Lying to conceal a major incompatibility in order to continue a relationship and expecting them to be the one to change to meet your demands is incredibly dishonest, disrespectful and manipulative. This guy is trying to blame you for not discussing your private medical history, when the real problem here is that he is a manipulative lier who doesn't respect you as a person. If he'd been honest about his intentions, he could have responded with "Thank you for sharing that with me.That must have been a really stressful situation. I'm glad you were able to get the medical care you needed, and don't have this risk hanging over you anymore." Like a loving, supportive, securely child-free partner.
When I was dumped because I couldn't have children I couldn't help feeling, that he wanted a breeding cow not a woman companion. I never wanted children and feels very much like OP even to kittens and puppies. I like them older than most people do.
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Men trying to "convince" their partner and to "wear them down" aren't looking for an equal they're looking for baby factories. Sis you dodge a bullet
I'm 39 and have never wanted children. I still get people telling me I'll change my mind. I then tell them I've had my tubes removed. That usually shuts them up real quick!
On the subject if "you'll change your mind" from doctors or partners or anyone. Thinking someone is too stupid to know if they don't want kids should mean they are also too stupid to have them, which is a much more important decision. If you change your mind about being child free, you can always adoptm if you go ahead and have a kid you don't want, that ruins lives.
I agree with OP on almost all points. Run from any partner who doesn't respect you enough to take you at your word. Run faster from someone who wants to change you. BUT how do you get to engaged without making birth control choices really clear? Huge red flag that she was able to say, it's fine I'll take care of it or something, and there was no follow up discussion. This makes me think she did disclose and he didn't believe her, just like he didn't believe her previously, or he's the type of person to put all the onus on the other partner. Either way, manipulave AH and I am sure OP will be better off without him.
Many men don't care how you prevent pregnancy as long as you do. The "how" doesn't necessarily come up.
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I knew at age 6 I didn't wanted to be pregnant. When I talked about kids I would always say adoption with the argument that "why make kids if some are already alive and need families" and when I got 10 I knew I didn't want children ever. I'm now 19 and looking for getting my tubes tied (legal from age 18 with no conditions where I live). I'm getting my diploma to work with kids so when people tell me I mustn't like kids if I don't want any it pisses me off so much ! I want to be the fun aunt, I want to spend times with kids but at the end of the day give them back to their parents. Pregnancy terrifies me, always have. I'm so happy for them when my friends get pregnant but I never touches their belly, it gross me a bit. I have recurring nightmare of being pregnant and it's really a phobia for me. I know I will always have to justify myself in the future, of why I don't want kids, why I got sterilised so early, if I'm sure I will never regret it...
I think it's a good thing to mention in a relationship, mostly just for the sake of it. But OP doesn't want kids and was clear with it from the start so whether or not she can have them shouldn't matter in and off itself.
Whether or not telling him about the sterilization was right or wrong, I think this comes down to trust and honesty. For her, if you’re committing to someone enough to marry them, you should feel safe enough to tell them about a major medical procedure. She doesn’t owe him an explanation, but that fact that she didn’t feel she should, says a lot about her trust in him. For him, the fact that he didn’t listen to her at her very clear ‘no kids, ever’, and gets angry at her when he starts to want them says he doesn’t value or trust what she says, her opinions. Glad this is coming out before the wedding.
Nothing about this says that she didn't feel safe telling hi or that there was not enough trust to do so. What I'm puzzled about, given that they appear to have been living together and presumably having sex, is how come it had not come up when they talked about contraception,
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A man who doesn't care enough to find out what birth control you are using, doesn't care enough to make the s*x worth while.
But the issue isn't the sterliization, it's that he wants to change her ina fundamental and important way. It's disrespectful and manipulative. Dump the trash.
Load More Replies... Firstly I am very sorry that the pregnancy and abortion caused her such extreme distress. Secondly. I am over the moon that a young woman in her mid twenties actually found a doctor who Would sterilise her!!! From being a toddler I Knew that I didn't want children, I have no interest in them, don't relate to them, don't want to, don't spend any time with them. I don't have one ounce of maternal instinct. I approached doctors in my twenties about sterilisation and was told I was far too young to know, that I'd change my mind. 51 this month, nó children, dont regret a single thing. I have No living family whatsoever and don't regret a second. I Do wish I could tell that doctor that though, pillock. This young lady made it clear she didn't want children in any way, her own or adoption. She didn't need to tell him she was sterilised but perhaps should have mentioned it, however her body, her choice. He should Respect that, The End.
NTA and he's a fkg LIAR!!! And there was zero reason for you to discuss any medical issues that you had before you met him. You were explicitly clear, making it a deal breaker from the first date!? Girrrrrrrrl, I have been married over 40 yrs no kids, like you, wouldn't babysit them for 3 min . . . (Love that!) Trust me, your heart will heal, faster than you think. Especially if he went to friends and has allowed them to trash you??? Please, pack his s**t, put it out the door and text him. Remind him of your first date and how having no kids was a deal breaker. Tell him the deal is broken. And keep the ring. He broke the contract, it is legally yours. Find a man who fkg knows what he wants. You are awesome!!!
I am so sick of shallow men who think they deserve to control women's reproduction. We do not exist for the express purpose of generating offspring and nothing else, and this species is FAR from a state where every woman who is fertile must bear children. If their fear is that "too many women will sterilize themselves", I'd say that's a biting commentary on the sort of society those women live in that having children would only happen if it was compulsory.
If you are sterilised, you can still have kids, it's called adoption. There's no hurt caused by anyone but the man who either didn't believe his partner's position or didn't care. Have we really gone all the way back to eugenics days when people prioritise their own DNA over anything meaningful?
I’m adopted and I’ve personally never fully understood “I want kids! - oh, we have fertility issues and we should adopt/use a sperm or egg donor? NO!!! MY DNA ONLY!!!!”
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NTA, though he certainly is an ash sole. Congrats to her for finding a doctor that isn't a rapey quack and actually gave her the health care she wanted. Most "doctors" have the idiotic idea that can force women to act against their own interests.
Someone who doesn't want children and sticks to their opinion no matter the pressure deserves an award, because they are mature enough not to make themselves or an kid miserable with their choice. She was clear from the start about not wanting children and her fiance was so dishonest thinking that he could just change her. The only thing I would do differently is telling him after a few months in the relationship that I am also sterilized, just to make sure we are on the same page.
As a mid-thirties woman that doesn’t want children at all, the guy is 1000% the AH. It’s happened to me. More than you would think. They think the can wear me down. I don’t know how long until I don’t need to worry about this ruse. 🤬
Are there people who really don't know if they want kids? I always figured it was just eventually getting worn down by society and exposure. When you have a day out with kids, ir you're at an all ages event, are there people who aren't sure if they want kids of their own? Because much like sexual consent, if it's not an enthusiastic yes, that's really a no. And if you aren't careful you'll get badgered into an ok go ahead by partners and hormones.
I can imagine people being unsure, I have one and I don't know if I want a second one, and that's less of a major life change. And I didn't start wanting a child until I was in my 30's, in my early 20's I was sure I didn't want any.
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I find it hard to believe you can date someone for years and not know they're sterilized. So you never discussed birth control? For a couple that doesn't want kids birth control is very important, did he just assume you were on something? I highly doubt that. If this story is true, which I doubt, the extreme lack of communication merits a breakup anyway.
A state that I once lived in had a law that a woman who was single, childless and below 28 YO could not get sterilized. This same state would arrest women for using birth control until after 1972. I needed a hysterectomy for a medical issue and I was refused because I was too young and single.
OP should have told him sooner. Especially when they stopped using condoms. However, hard NTA. She was very clear from the beginning where she stood and he clearly wasn't. He was looking to baby trap her in some capacity. The only reason she should be bringing it up is that birth control/pregnancy prevention is a two person job. You shouldn't put that burden on just the woman to take birth control or what. Both partners should be aware of how that prevention is occurring so they can both feel safe and secure that the method will be effective. She not the AH for not explaining it as he could (and should) have been seeking clarity of his own as to how it was happening. If anything, him not asking is further proof of him trying to trap her.
OP didn't need to tell her partner than she "Couldn't" have kids- she didn't want kids! If she couldn't have kids but wanted to adopt or have a surrogate, that is different from NOT wanting to have kids at all. The partner could have told her before he proposed that he was starting to change his mind about kids and what were her feelings about that? BEFORE they got engaged, she could have told him she was sterile, and they could have ended things. She dodged a bullet- what else would he change his mind over when they got married?
Poll Option 5 - Why the F@CK would you MARRY someone you can't openly discuss things with!!!!!!!!!!!!
It sounds like she thought she could, and the discussion was over. Not a good relationship if you just assume your partner is lying.
Load More Replies... I fundamentally don't understand why anyone would be upset about sterliization. I have no reason to think this woman would change her mind, but you can always become a parent as adoption is pretty easy for two straight professionals. You're not taking on a burden, you're getting rid of one. No unexpected children. Easier birth control, there's no downside unless your a bigot who values children solely based in their DNA. It's just a more extreme version of racism.
You’ve never actually looked into adoption, have you? It’s NOT “pretty easy”. It can take years of waiting and it can cost tens of thousands of dollars. I was adopted in the early 80s and those days were the wild west compared to how it is now.
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What confuses me the most is that they have been intimate and of course seen each other naked. Sterilization is performed laparoscopically and leaves a more or less small scar. I also checked that another method (essure, if anyone likes to read horror stories). has been removed from the market in 2017-2018. The man hasn't really been interested in asking what that scar on her stomach is? In the dark, have these two dusted the blankets without touching?
My scars are as near to invisible as they can be. There are five: one is inside my navel, and can’t be seen, one is in the crease where my knicker elastic sits, and looks like part of it, and the others are roughly circular and just look like slight dimples.
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I don’t know… Friend of mine never wanted to have children. Didn’t want to get pregnant, didn’t want to babysit, didn’t want to be near children, just no no no to children. Until she hit 40. Once turned 40 she became obsessed with having one or two and her husband agreed so they started working on to get pregnant. They did, 4 or 5 times (that I know of) and none of them survived. It destroyed them. She started drinking heavily, the arguments, the crying… Well, they’re not together anymore and I haven’t heard from her for some years now.
Doesn't sound like she really wanted kids. Obviously miscarriages are horribly tough, but sounds like she was just overpowered by hormones, which is different to wanting kids. In the same way sexual attraction isnt the same as love, getting pregnant because you can't tell hormones from actual parental feelings does not turn out well. And people who can't tell the difference shouldn't be trusted with raising children.
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ESH. Yes, she was very clear about not wanting kids and assuming she might change her mind was just stupid of her fiance. However, I do think that the topic of sterilization should come up at some point before marriage. Especially since they had unprotected sex. This might have sent him the message that she might not care too much about getting pregnant. And she could have guessed that he wouln't either, because he didn't know that pregnancy wasn't a possibility. At that point, she should have said that she can't get pregnant.
Opportunity lost, opportunity gained. It might be said that the OP did nothing wrong but missed an opportunity. If she had made the choice to tell her bf about her sterilized status, the sequence of events would have been different, and probably better for her. On the other hand, with the way things happened she found out early enough how unsuitable this guy would be as a spouse, which granted her an opportunity to escape before it was too late. And he gives indications that he would be a problem in matters other than children, as well.
He chose to not believe her when she said in no uncertain terms she was going to love a childfree life. He chose to not believe it and to also lie and say he felt the same way
Load More Replies... I think the sterilization is something that needs to come up soon in the relationship. Mostly because it would affect the sex life of the couple, not worrying about protection is so liberating, I talk from experience. And of course, as long as you don't cheat you don't have to worry about stds.
A tubal ligation doesn't change anything about future medical treatment. It's about as relevant as getting your ears pierced.
Load More Replies... Have you ever met a man? If you tell them that something is handled they are very capable of forgetting about it.
Load More Replies... So if someone gets in a relationship at what point to they have to sit down and go through a full medical history? A tubal ligation doesn't change anything about a woman's hormones or anatomy.
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There was no dishonesty. She said she was never having kids, and she meant it. Tubes tied is just logistics. He never asked what they were doing for birth control, to me that says he didn't care.
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The only reason I'd be upset that infertility wasn't disclosed would be all the missed opportunities for quickies when condoms were not in easy reach.
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And your spouse could change religion (or become an atheist etc) but it's not something you usually plan for years in advance. You just have to trust your partner that they aren't a child and they live their life how they do on purpose.
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Lol you not the sharpest pencil in this here pencil box. Did you even read the story?
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The "she's so young, she'll change her mind" pisses me off. I have never wanted kids. From my 14th up to now (57) Never have I doubted this and felt a tingle in my chicken coop. You would not believe how many times I heard the old "oh, you'll change your mind" bullsh!t. She is NTA and if she did not tell him about her sterlilisation then that's her business. They both agreed No Kids. And him letting his friends call her an AH tells us much about his weakness and stupidity.
Chicken coop. There's a euphemism I hadn't heard before lol
Load More Replies... What the hell is it with the assumption that people don't know their own minds? The sheer arrogance of thinking his wants are more important than hers and all he has to do is 'persuade' her to have them for HIS gratification? I always knew I did not want kids. My husband felt exactly the same. And why should she have to make up excuses for not wanting kids? No is a complete sentence, she doesn't owe it to anyone to explain why.
I don’t want kids and I’m up front about that when I meet someone (for a date not just meeting a random person). A former - emphasis on former there - friend got mad at me for telling a guy on a first date that I didn’t want kids (the guy did). According to my friend, “you never know what will happen” which is always code for “you’ll change your mind”. 🙄🙄 The guy, on the other hand, had no issues with me telling him straightaway because it kept us from wasting our time.
Load More Replies... If OP'S fiançé had said that he was open to having kids and OP went along with it, I would deem her the àsshole. But as it stands, she stated upfront that she didn't want children, and her fiançé acted as if he was on the same page. Now HE'S the victim because OP didn't inform him of her procedure? He lied to her face and thought he could change her mind (i.e., baby trap her). He's a crapoy excuse for a human being; OP dodged a Polaris-Poseidon-Patriot ICBM.
How is it even remotely acceptable to announce to your parents that you'll be having kids without ever mentioning it to your partner? This guy doesn't value her as an intelligent human being. Huge red flag.
To me that's as much of a red flag as expecting her to change her mind. Clearly he sees her as a prop in his life.
Load More Replies... She was honest from the start. He was a liar from the start. There's only one AH here and it's not OP. And it's time we stop telling women they don't know their own minds, their bodies , and how they want to live their own lives. Kudos on her for being able to find a surgeon to do that for her, they make it very hard for women. Meanwhile men can literally book a vasectomy online with no referral required.
To people saying she should've said she couldn't have children instead of she didn't want children: No. That is not the same at all and should never be used in this context. Not being able to have children could mean you still want them, you could be open for adoption, surrogacy, etc. or it could mean you have mental health issues because you want them but can't have them. Not wanting children is very clear and true, and it doesn't matter that you also can't have them.
You're right that it doesn't matter and it shouldn't matter. Unfortunately for us, it's necessary to lie sometimes because there's always going to be men out there who think "I can fix this. I'll just get her pregnant and she'll realize she actually wanted kids all along and I'll be the big hero to this princess in disres."
Load More Replies... One of the reasons I got sterilised in my early 20s was to avoid this exact situation! I know of far too many people who’ve discovered two, five, ten years into a relationship that the person who said they were fine with not becoming a parent had been “humouring” them, sure that it was “a phase” because “everyone said” she’ll “come to her senses” when “her biological clock starts ticking”. Telling people up-front that it’s physically impossible makes that a lot less likely.
Lying to conceal a major incompatibility in order to continue a relationship and expecting them to be the one to change to meet your demands is incredibly dishonest, disrespectful and manipulative. This guy is trying to blame you for not discussing your private medical history, when the real problem here is that he is a manipulative lier who doesn't respect you as a person. If he'd been honest about his intentions, he could have responded with "Thank you for sharing that with me.That must have been a really stressful situation. I'm glad you were able to get the medical care you needed, and don't have this risk hanging over you anymore." Like a loving, supportive, securely child-free partner.
When I was dumped because I couldn't have children I couldn't help feeling, that he wanted a breeding cow not a woman companion. I never wanted children and feels very much like OP even to kittens and puppies. I like them older than most people do.
Load More Replies... Men trying to "convince" their partner and to "wear them down" aren't looking for an equal they're looking for baby factories. Sis you dodge a bullet
I'm 39 and have never wanted children. I still get people telling me I'll change my mind. I then tell them I've had my tubes removed. That usually shuts them up real quick!
On the subject if "you'll change your mind" from doctors or partners or anyone. Thinking someone is too stupid to know if they don't want kids should mean they are also too stupid to have them, which is a much more important decision. If you change your mind about being child free, you can always adoptm if you go ahead and have a kid you don't want, that ruins lives.
I agree with OP on almost all points. Run from any partner who doesn't respect you enough to take you at your word. Run faster from someone who wants to change you. BUT how do you get to engaged without making birth control choices really clear? Huge red flag that she was able to say, it's fine I'll take care of it or something, and there was no follow up discussion. This makes me think she did disclose and he didn't believe her, just like he didn't believe her previously, or he's the type of person to put all the onus on the other partner. Either way, manipulave AH and I am sure OP will be better off without him.
Many men don't care how you prevent pregnancy as long as you do. The "how" doesn't necessarily come up.
Load More Replies... I knew at age 6 I didn't wanted to be pregnant. When I talked about kids I would always say adoption with the argument that "why make kids if some are already alive and need families" and when I got 10 I knew I didn't want children ever. I'm now 19 and looking for getting my tubes tied (legal from age 18 with no conditions where I live). I'm getting my diploma to work with kids so when people tell me I mustn't like kids if I don't want any it pisses me off so much ! I want to be the fun aunt, I want to spend times with kids but at the end of the day give them back to their parents. Pregnancy terrifies me, always have. I'm so happy for them when my friends get pregnant but I never touches their belly, it gross me a bit. I have recurring nightmare of being pregnant and it's really a phobia for me. I know I will always have to justify myself in the future, of why I don't want kids, why I got sterilised so early, if I'm sure I will never regret it...
I think it's a good thing to mention in a relationship, mostly just for the sake of it. But OP doesn't want kids and was clear with it from the start so whether or not she can have them shouldn't matter in and off itself.
Whether or not telling him about the sterilization was right or wrong, I think this comes down to trust and honesty. For her, if you’re committing to someone enough to marry them, you should feel safe enough to tell them about a major medical procedure. She doesn’t owe him an explanation, but that fact that she didn’t feel she should, says a lot about her trust in him. For him, the fact that he didn’t listen to her at her very clear ‘no kids, ever’, and gets angry at her when he starts to want them says he doesn’t value or trust what she says, her opinions. Glad this is coming out before the wedding.
Nothing about this says that she didn't feel safe telling hi or that there was not enough trust to do so. What I'm puzzled about, given that they appear to have been living together and presumably having sex, is how come it had not come up when they talked about contraception,
Load More Replies... A man who doesn't care enough to find out what birth control you are using, doesn't care enough to make the s*x worth while.
But the issue isn't the sterliization, it's that he wants to change her ina fundamental and important way. It's disrespectful and manipulative. Dump the trash.
Load More Replies... Firstly I am very sorry that the pregnancy and abortion caused her such extreme distress. Secondly. I am over the moon that a young woman in her mid twenties actually found a doctor who Would sterilise her!!! From being a toddler I Knew that I didn't want children, I have no interest in them, don't relate to them, don't want to, don't spend any time with them. I don't have one ounce of maternal instinct. I approached doctors in my twenties about sterilisation and was told I was far too young to know, that I'd change my mind. 51 this month, nó children, dont regret a single thing. I have No living family whatsoever and don't regret a second. I Do wish I could tell that doctor that though, pillock. This young lady made it clear she didn't want children in any way, her own or adoption. She didn't need to tell him she was sterilised but perhaps should have mentioned it, however her body, her choice. He should Respect that, The End.
NTA and he's a fkg LIAR!!! And there was zero reason for you to discuss any medical issues that you had before you met him. You were explicitly clear, making it a deal breaker from the first date!? Girrrrrrrrl, I have been married over 40 yrs no kids, like you, wouldn't babysit them for 3 min . . . (Love that!) Trust me, your heart will heal, faster than you think. Especially if he went to friends and has allowed them to trash you??? Please, pack his s**t, put it out the door and text him. Remind him of your first date and how having no kids was a deal breaker. Tell him the deal is broken. And keep the ring. He broke the contract, it is legally yours. Find a man who fkg knows what he wants. You are awesome!!!
I am so sick of shallow men who think they deserve to control women's reproduction. We do not exist for the express purpose of generating offspring and nothing else, and this species is FAR from a state where every woman who is fertile must bear children. If their fear is that "too many women will sterilize themselves", I'd say that's a biting commentary on the sort of society those women live in that having children would only happen if it was compulsory.
If you are sterilised, you can still have kids, it's called adoption. There's no hurt caused by anyone but the man who either didn't believe his partner's position or didn't care. Have we really gone all the way back to eugenics days when people prioritise their own DNA over anything meaningful?
I’m adopted and I’ve personally never fully understood “I want kids! - oh, we have fertility issues and we should adopt/use a sperm or egg donor? NO!!! MY DNA ONLY!!!!”
Load More Replies... NTA, though he certainly is an ash sole. Congrats to her for finding a doctor that isn't a rapey quack and actually gave her the health care she wanted. Most "doctors" have the idiotic idea that can force women to act against their own interests.
Someone who doesn't want children and sticks to their opinion no matter the pressure deserves an award, because they are mature enough not to make themselves or an kid miserable with their choice. She was clear from the start about not wanting children and her fiance was so dishonest thinking that he could just change her. The only thing I would do differently is telling him after a few months in the relationship that I am also sterilized, just to make sure we are on the same page.
As a mid-thirties woman that doesn’t want children at all, the guy is 1000% the AH. It’s happened to me. More than you would think. They think the can wear me down. I don’t know how long until I don’t need to worry about this ruse. 🤬
Are there people who really don't know if they want kids? I always figured it was just eventually getting worn down by society and exposure. When you have a day out with kids, ir you're at an all ages event, are there people who aren't sure if they want kids of their own? Because much like sexual consent, if it's not an enthusiastic yes, that's really a no. And if you aren't careful you'll get badgered into an ok go ahead by partners and hormones.
I can imagine people being unsure, I have one and I don't know if I want a second one, and that's less of a major life change. And I didn't start wanting a child until I was in my 30's, in my early 20's I was sure I didn't want any.
Load More Replies... I find it hard to believe you can date someone for years and not know they're sterilized. So you never discussed birth control? For a couple that doesn't want kids birth control is very important, did he just assume you were on something? I highly doubt that. If this story is true, which I doubt, the extreme lack of communication merits a breakup anyway.
A state that I once lived in had a law that a woman who was single, childless and below 28 YO could not get sterilized. This same state would arrest women for using birth control until after 1972. I needed a hysterectomy for a medical issue and I was refused because I was too young and single.
OP should have told him sooner. Especially when they stopped using condoms. However, hard NTA. She was very clear from the beginning where she stood and he clearly wasn't. He was looking to baby trap her in some capacity. The only reason she should be bringing it up is that birth control/pregnancy prevention is a two person job. You shouldn't put that burden on just the woman to take birth control or what. Both partners should be aware of how that prevention is occurring so they can both feel safe and secure that the method will be effective. She not the AH for not explaining it as he could (and should) have been seeking clarity of his own as to how it was happening. If anything, him not asking is further proof of him trying to trap her.
OP didn't need to tell her partner than she "Couldn't" have kids- she didn't want kids! If she couldn't have kids but wanted to adopt or have a surrogate, that is different from NOT wanting to have kids at all. The partner could have told her before he proposed that he was starting to change his mind about kids and what were her feelings about that? BEFORE they got engaged, she could have told him she was sterile, and they could have ended things. She dodged a bullet- what else would he change his mind over when they got married?
Poll Option 5 - Why the F@CK would you MARRY someone you can't openly discuss things with!!!!!!!!!!!!
It sounds like she thought she could, and the discussion was over. Not a good relationship if you just assume your partner is lying.
Load More Replies... I fundamentally don't understand why anyone would be upset about sterliization. I have no reason to think this woman would change her mind, but you can always become a parent as adoption is pretty easy for two straight professionals. You're not taking on a burden, you're getting rid of one. No unexpected children. Easier birth control, there's no downside unless your a bigot who values children solely based in their DNA. It's just a more extreme version of racism.
You’ve never actually looked into adoption, have you? It’s NOT “pretty easy”. It can take years of waiting and it can cost tens of thousands of dollars. I was adopted in the early 80s and those days were the wild west compared to how it is now.
Load More Replies... What confuses me the most is that they have been intimate and of course seen each other naked. Sterilization is performed laparoscopically and leaves a more or less small scar. I also checked that another method (essure, if anyone likes to read horror stories). has been removed from the market in 2017-2018. The man hasn't really been interested in asking what that scar on her stomach is? In the dark, have these two dusted the blankets without touching?
My scars are as near to invisible as they can be. There are five: one is inside my navel, and can’t be seen, one is in the crease where my knicker elastic sits, and looks like part of it, and the others are roughly circular and just look like slight dimples.
Load More Replies... I don’t know… Friend of mine never wanted to have children. Didn’t want to get pregnant, didn’t want to babysit, didn’t want to be near children, just no no no to children. Until she hit 40. Once turned 40 she became obsessed with having one or two and her husband agreed so they started working on to get pregnant. They did, 4 or 5 times (that I know of) and none of them survived. It destroyed them. She started drinking heavily, the arguments, the crying… Well, they’re not together anymore and I haven’t heard from her for some years now.
Doesn't sound like she really wanted kids. Obviously miscarriages are horribly tough, but sounds like she was just overpowered by hormones, which is different to wanting kids. In the same way sexual attraction isnt the same as love, getting pregnant because you can't tell hormones from actual parental feelings does not turn out well. And people who can't tell the difference shouldn't be trusted with raising children.
Load More Replies... ESH. Yes, she was very clear about not wanting kids and assuming she might change her mind was just stupid of her fiance. However, I do think that the topic of sterilization should come up at some point before marriage. Especially since they had unprotected sex. This might have sent him the message that she might not care too much about getting pregnant. And she could have guessed that he wouln't either, because he didn't know that pregnancy wasn't a possibility. At that point, she should have said that she can't get pregnant.
Opportunity lost, opportunity gained. It might be said that the OP did nothing wrong but missed an opportunity. If she had made the choice to tell her bf about her sterilized status, the sequence of events would have been different, and probably better for her. On the other hand, with the way things happened she found out early enough how unsuitable this guy would be as a spouse, which granted her an opportunity to escape before it was too late. And he gives indications that he would be a problem in matters other than children, as well.
He chose to not believe her when she said in no uncertain terms she was going to love a childfree life. He chose to not believe it and to also lie and say he felt the same way
Load More Replies... I think the sterilization is something that needs to come up soon in the relationship. Mostly because it would affect the sex life of the couple, not worrying about protection is so liberating, I talk from experience. And of course, as long as you don't cheat you don't have to worry about stds.
A tubal ligation doesn't change anything about future medical treatment. It's about as relevant as getting your ears pierced.
Load More Replies... Have you ever met a man? If you tell them that something is handled they are very capable of forgetting about it.
Load More Replies... So if someone gets in a relationship at what point to they have to sit down and go through a full medical history? A tubal ligation doesn't change anything about a woman's hormones or anatomy.
Load More Replies... There was no dishonesty. She said she was never having kids, and she meant it. Tubes tied is just logistics. He never asked what they were doing for birth control, to me that says he didn't care.
Load More Replies... The only reason I'd be upset that infertility wasn't disclosed would be all the missed opportunities for quickies when condoms were not in easy reach.
Load More Replies... And your spouse could change religion (or become an atheist etc) but it's not something you usually plan for years in advance. You just have to trust your partner that they aren't a child and they live their life how they do on purpose.
Load More Replies... Lol you not the sharpest pencil in this here pencil box. Did you even read the story?
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