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It’s embarrassing to admit that I am one of those people who think of a comeback way after the moment has passed. But some people are so quick-witted that they have a treasure trove of them stored up their sleeves and pull out the exact ones when needed.
When a netizen asked folks to share the wittiest comeback they'd heard, people didn’t hold back, sharing even the most unhinged ones. You might want to take notes because some of them are so outrageously brutal that they deserve to be quoted. Sometimes, words are the only weapon you need.
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#1
Jr high science teacher told the class this one: there was a boy in his 8th grade class with a receding chin (or whatever the term is). He had been given the nickname "Turtle".
He spoke up in class one day about something and a rather hefty girl said "Oh shut up Turtle. Why don't you grow a chin". A few seconds passed and then Turtle replied "Why don't you just give me one of yours?".
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#3
Heard a good one about Muhammad Ali - when he was on a plane once the Stewardess politely asked him to put his seatbelt on, to which he said "Superman don't need no seatbelt!"
"Superman don't need no plane" she replied.
While we might have to shoot comebacks once in a while, it's pretty common in middle-class French society. Believe it or not, they have a thriving culture of battling wits and even train their children to face off against opponents in school.
"Where Americans might coo over a child’s most inane remark, to boost his confidence, middle-class French parents teach their kids to be concise and amusing, to keep everyone listening," writes Pamela Druckerman, an American-French writer and journalist living in Paris.
#4
A girl at work had to get glasses and one of out regulars comes in and says "aw man you should take those off you look way better without them" and she goes "yeah you look way better without them too." I thought that was pretty clever.
#5
When my brother and I were really young, 11 and 8, he called me gay. He didn't know what it meant, I probably didn't either, but it was a term that we used at the time to mean "lame".
Anyways, we were on a long road trip when he called me this. About 30 minutes later he started to complain about his bum hurting from the long ride and without missing a beat, I said "And you called me gay?". My dad had to pull the truck over because he was laughing so hard that he had tears coming out.
#6
I have an in-law who eats keto and used it to lose a ton of weight. One of his (very overweight) cousins took it upon himself to tell him that his diet would send him to an early grave.
His response? "Yeah, but at least they'll be able to carry my coffin.".
In fact, this battle of wits was pretty popular in the court of Versailles, right before the French Revolution. Apparently, courtiers gained status for their display of esprit, which was a witty way of ridiculing their rivals. Also, they would look foolish if they suffered from l’esprit de l’escalier, or the inability to think of the perfect comeback.
It was also a reliable way to get the King's attention when people needed an audience with him, as he stayed attuned to this trend. We are a long way off from those days, but witty comebacks are still going strong in making an impression.
#7
Coworker called lead. Lead was on speakerphone.
Coworker notified us he's coming in for work a little late - they were trying to have a baby and his wife thought that day needed to be a day they tried based on her cycle and all that.
lead says "fine [name], we don't mind you showing up 30 seconds late. Good luck!"
Crew died laughing.
Sue Denham 59 minutes ago
Thanks for a great laugh. If I'd been drinking it would have come out my nose.
#8
My conservative Mormon mother decides to talk to me for the first time about intercourse (17 at the time)
She places two slices of chocolate cake, beautifully decorated, from a nice bakery.
"Now daughter, this is you with your virginity..."
She then squashes one slice of cake with her hand.
"And this is you without your virginity. What slice of cake would you rather give to your future husband, for time and all eternity?"
I look back and forth between the cakes
"But, mom...they taste the same..."
My older sister still loves to bring this up. It may be a funnier story when told out loud, though.
#9
The one Myspace Tom gave a few years ago was pretty good. He defended Instagram or Twitter and someone replied with "Says the guy who couldn't keep Myspace going", which he follows up with "says the guy who sold myspace in 2005 for $580 million while you work away hoping for a half-day off.”
Social skills coach Patrick King explains on a podcast that a quick-witted retort makes people laugh and disarms them, while making you appear smart, insightful, and mentally quick.
"It also shows people that you’re easygoing and can handle hurdles that come your way. When most people are insulted or made fun of, they either respond with anger or try to play it down. With a witty comeback, you’re showing others that such remarks don’t faze you nearly as much as they would someone else," he adds.
#11
Girl 1: I'm French Canadian, so I can drink a lot.
Girl 2: I'm Irish, so I can drink more than you.
Girl 1: Yeah, but I can stop.
#12
Once asked a middle aged woman to borrow her pen on the train.
Me: "May I please borrow you pen, ma'am?"
Woman: "Excuse me -- don't call me ma'am. Don't you know how offensive that is to say to a woman?"
Me: "My apologies...sir.".
Well, just like me, not everyone is adept at coming up with the funniest comebacks. Research says that it has a lot to do with our temporal lobe and prefrontal cortex. Apparently, funny people rely on the temporal lobe to instantly connect ideas without trying, which usually leads to a funny joke or retort.
Meanwhile, others use the prefrontal cortex, which basically forces their brains to plan out a joke step by step instead of just letting the humor flow naturally. However, that doesn't mean less-funny people can't retaliate with humor because experts believe it's entirely possible with practice.
#13
Had a really witty teacher for my game design class, the Vice Principal hated him for whatever reason. One day we were all studiously working with our headphones on programming away while our teacher was upfront reading a book, very available and approachable if we had any questions. Then the VP walks in the room:
VP: "Mr. Teacher, it has come to my attention that you have absolutely no control over this class! This is unacceptable."
Teacher gives him a fairly nonchalant stare, cooly and calmly places his book down, and claps his hands loudly three times (which was his very effective way of getting our attention while listening to music). Mind you, the following occurred without us knowing why the VP was there or what he had said.
Teacher: "Ok class listen up, I have an exercise for you. This'll only take a few moments. First and foremost, everybody stand up."
We all stood up in near unison very quickly.
Teacher: "Good, now I want all of you to leave the room and stand outside in the hallway and no matter what this guy says," as he points his finger at VP, "do not come back in the room until I say so. Ok, go!"
We all exit the room, a little intrigued by what was going on.
Teacher: "Ok VP, bring them back in the classroom"
We didn't budge
To this day, that is one of my favorite stories to tell.
#14
I was at a bar when a guy said to a stranger "You know, smoking ends your life."
The stranger replies "you know My grandma lived to the age 101."
Guy goes "smoking?"
Stranger immediately replies with "minding her own business.".
#15
Private Hudson: "Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?"
Private Vasquez: "No. Have you?".
Listening is a very useful skill that helps form a winning retort at the perfect time. Abigail Paul, the artistic director at the Theatre Language Studio in Frankfurt, says that "people think faster than others speak, giving the listener 'extra time' to compose an answer, even while they give the appearance of still listening to what the other person is saying."
She stresses that a huge part of listening is that you really have to be willing to be changed by what's being said. After all, you can't really retaliate if you don't understand the full extent of it.
#16
Just read this in another thread in AskReddit:
When someone says, "Oh kids will be kids." or "Boys will be boys" when their kids are acting up just respond with "Parents should be parents".
#17
Didn't hear this one, I read it in another post.
In a high school classroom, one of the "popular" girls was picking on one of the "quiet" guys. The teacher chimed in, saying "You should be nice to him. He might be your boss one day." The guy responded with "No, I don't plan on becoming a pimp.".
Experts also highlight that clever comebacks are very different from mean comments. I mean, there's a very thin line between being sarcastic and being rude, and witty people know that their retort should not be an insult that causes extreme pain to someone.
It can feel like a "mini slap to the face," and it really stings, especially when someone is mocked in public. Studies emphasize that verbal insults trigger a cascade of consecutive and overlapping processing effects, and different parts of the cascade may be differently affected by repetition, resulting in a consistently strong emotional response over time.
#19
One time my boss was up on stage for a meeting and was explaining some issues FedEx was facing with shipment times and that we'll need to adjust our shipping ETA's. So this one especially outspoken individual raised his hand and asked "So uhh, like, when are things going to be like they should be?"
To which my boss responded...
"I don't know, when are you going to be like you were in your interview?"
Whole place went nuts.
#20
My buddy and I were hanging out with a good looking girl. He had a new hat.
She reached up, touched it, and asked "is it felt?"
He responded "it is now".
He is far wittier than me.
#21
Carl, an old pervert to a hot woman: Hey girly, why don't you come sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that comes up.
Hot young lady to Carl: Carl, if I sit on your lap, the first thing to come up will be my lunch.
Well, being clever and not causing someone pain is the whole point of a witty retort. Wielding this weapon of choice might not come naturally, but as experts claim, practice helps. My family will definitely find me mumbling to myself in front of the mirror now. Anyway, dear Pandas, that's it from our end. If you have heard some savage retorts, feel free to share them with us in the comments below!
#22
One time my girlfriend asked me what I wanted to do. Being a rude animal, I said "It starts with an F and ends with an UCK."
Without even looking up from her magazine she said "Find your lost hockey puck?"
Not the wittiest thing by itself but it was QUICK.
#23
Overheard two friends ragging each other yesterday:
Friend one: I'm sexier than you by a mile.
Friend two: Yeah if you're standing a mile away.
#24
I had a very witty teacher in high school, definitely my favorite guy. one day in class a girl was making a big deal about having to use the restroom 2 minutes after class had started, so after arguing he finally let her go. she comes back to class 15 minutes later, disrupting the entire class by yelling "ohhhh my god you'll never guess what just happened in the hallway!" and started going on about something stupid, meanwhile my teacher is just staring at her for rudely interrupting his lecture and disrupting the class. she stops mid sentence and says to the teacher "why are you staring at me?" and without missing a beat he replies "why do people go to the zoo?" . I couldn't help but burst out laughing (mostly because I disliked that girl) but it was a great moment.
#25
I don't believe this actually happened, but it's still my favorite:
*Transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.*
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. *I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.*
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
#26
When Sir Winton Trumbull was rambling on about some political mumbo-jumbo, his opponent Gough Whitlam dropped this amazing piece of wordplay, right out of thin air.
Trumbull: "I am a Country member!"
Whitlam: "Oh, I remember."
Instant, raucous applause.
#27
Good friend was a poor student and in 8th grade the guidance counselor came up to him at lunch to scold him.
Counselor: "what are you going to do if you don't graduate?"
Friend: "I could always farm."
Counselor: "you're probably not even smart enough to do that."
Friend: "well I'll be a guidance counselor then.".
#29
One time I did something somewhat stupid while working with my Dad so he called me an idiot.
Me in response: well you know what they say like father like son.
He looked me in the eye and said: who ever the frick that is.
#30
Contracting in Iraq we were headed to a party at one of the security company compounds, as we were entering and they were checking our credentials the dude checking our names asked if we had any weapons. Jess, this girl who weighs like a buck soaking wet, "flexes" and says "just these guns". without missing a beat the guy points and says "the small arms repair shop is around the corner."
WHAMMY.
#31
Best football manager of all time Brian Clough (I'm a Forest fan) had plenty of awesome come backs but my favourite is one against him. Clough rings down to the youth players who in those days were made to do jobs around the club, on this occasion they are cleaning the dressing room.
Clough: bring me a cup of tea
Youth team player: make your own
Clough: do you know who this is?
Youth team player: yes it's Mr. Clough. Do you know who this?
Clough: no
Youth team player: well frick off and make your own tea then.
#32
I once had this roommate, he liked to talk a lot of trash but he was a good guy. He had two power points located at his bed. When my friend and I wanted to use them, he jokingly told us "only one power point can be used at a time. One has to be switched on while the other has to be switched off at any time." My immediate reply was "that's funny, it's kinda how your brain and mouth works."
My friend laughed so hard he had to leave the room.
#33
I mean... I didn't personally hear it, nor am I certain it actually happened. But my grandpa told me this anecdote about Winston Churchill:
While dining with the British politician Bessie Braddock, Churchill had a bit too much to drink. So Braddock turned to him and said: "Sir, you are drunk." To which he replied: "And you, Bessie, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning, and you will still be ugly.".
#34
Not really a comeback, more of a burn but...
Me and two coworkers, Craig and Fred would always drive through downtown on our way home from work because it was right next to the university and there was always smoking hot ladies walking around. We would spot girls saying which ones were gorgeous and we usually tend to agree, unless Fred picked them out.
Well, Fred finally gets fed up with us and asks why we do not agree with him on which girls he thinks are hot. I told him, "well if you'd quit picking dudes, we might agree then." We all laugh and then he says, " Alright, I'll find a good one then.". As we continue driving along. He spots someone digging something out of the back of their car. She had long blonde hair, so Fred says, "Here! This one! She is smoking hot!". As we drive by, that person stands up and faces us. Turns out 'she' was a 'he'! Long blonde hair and a mustache. I turned to my coworker and said "point proven".
#35
Probably late, but here it goes:
Two close friends of mine, who are identical twins, play cards (Bellotte) against me and another guy. So they are losing and one of the twins makes a stupid mistake. The other says: "You are sooo stupid!", and the first one goes "Yeah? Now tell me I am ugly".
All cards in the sand, 20 minutes of laughter.
#36
A guy I worked with at a restaurant came late one day:
Guy: "I thought I had to start later today"
Manager: "you shouldn't be thinking at all!"
Guy: "and then what, become like you?"
Translated from my language. He got fired but also a standing ovation from the whole kitchen crew.
#37
Reading through a fight between some friends of friends on FB. A girl says "Taken but not appreciated" in response to being given some advice about something. Someone responds with "I didn't ask for the title of your autobiography"
One of the only times I've audibly gasped at something I've read on the internet.
#38
"How can you celebrate Christmas if you're not a Christian?"
"How can YOU celebrate Valentines Day when no one loves you?".
troufaki13 2 minutes ago
That was uncalled for and just mean. The first person could really be genuinely curious (it all depends on the tone of his voice when he asked the question)
#41
For me it's something Patton Oswalt said to shut up a heckler:
"You're going to miss everything cool and pass away angry."
#42
On the bus in middle school, this kid would always brag about really dumb stuff and just say really stupid things. one day he says out of nowhere "I definitely have the biggest pp on this bus" and someone replied "but the one in your mouth doesn't count". kind of an immature comeback but I'm saving that one for whenever I hear someone say something like that.
#43
Freshman year in high school I had social studies with a bunch of my friends, so we were always pretty confident we'd have some support if someone spoke out. Anyway this big but stupid argument broke out about how some people need to try to act more normal. Of course some of the stranger kids started saying you can't define normal and our annoying teacher asked my buddy "what does it mean to be normal anyway?"
Without missing a beat, this 14 year old replied "plus or minus 3 standard deviations from the mean". It remains one of the best uses of statistics in every day conversation I've ever heard and easily went above the heads of 50% of the class and likely our teacher.
#44
In german there is an insult "Bist Du behindert?" (are you disabled)
Heard someone come back with "yes. i have tourettes You jerk".
#47
When a hurricane struck Chris Brown's home state he tweeted "please pray for Virginia." TV writer Danny Zuker responded, "oh God, what did you do to her?".
#48
One of my friends was adopted when he was a baby. The family had a biological daughter around the same age. One day they were fighting as most siblings do. She says to him "well at least I wasn't adopted!" My friend responded with "Mom and dad at least chose me, they got stuck with you."
That shut her up for a while.
#50
I saw this on an old thread a while back. Guys at work adding cream and sugar to his coffee.
Coworker: real men drink their coffee black.
Worker: real men don't give a frick what others think.
Walks away with his cream and sugar coffee.
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