Wife Is Upset Her Husband Refused To Move To A Bigger Home, Get Nicer Cars, And Go On Better Holidays After His Raise
Divvying up how money is spent is stressful at the best of times. Particularly in this uncertain economic climate, people are quite cautious about how they spend their money. But in a marriage with kids, financial safety also needs to be balanced with the needs of the family.
A woman wanted to know if she was acting spoiled for wishing her husband spent more money on better accommodations and vacations. He was the primary breadwinner and, reportedly, had a very well-paying job. She took care of the house and kids at the cost of her career. But they would argue over financial matters whenever she brought up the idea of a bigger house or fun events.
It can be hard to find where is the line between being straight-up cheap and being financially responsible
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages (not the actual photo)
A woman described her dissatisfaction with her husband not spending his ample income on luxuries
He believed that it was too risky, despite being quite well off
Image credits: Olena_Mykhaylova (not the actual photo)
Image credits: itsmyusername24
Income inequality in marriages can get really messy if both partners can’t work out a way to talk about it
While it’s unclear exactly how well off this family is, the general trend over the last year has been for households to cut and limit spending as prices and uncertainty rise. Global economic growth is at the third lowest point it’s been in over thirty years, with recession risks becoming more relevant in a number of countries. Consumer surveys for 2023 indicate that across all economic levels, people are planning to save more and spend less. Inflation has people feeling more at risk, so, naturally, the impulse is to save. So from this perspective, maybe the husband is just being rational. If prices continue to rise, which they might, it can’t hurt to have some assets saved.
The impression given by OP in the story is that they are quite comfortable already and could afford a more luxurious lifestyle. If we take her information at face value, then her husband does start to look a bit short-sighted. After all, the wife does have the unpaid task of looking after the kids and keeping the house together which all obviously limit her ability to earn money and advance her career. The circumstances are not clear, but it’s possible that he would not have quite as successful of a career if he had to constantly spend time helping with the kids, chores, and other things necessary to maintain a happy and healthy household.
Motherhood often comes at a cost to the woman’s career
This strategy is actually common and backed by scientific research. A study found that married couples, where one made significantly more than the other, tended to do better and last longer than if the resources were more equally distributed. Most of the time, the couple would ‘specialize’ when choosing what roles they perform in the family, and in this story, the woman has ended up in a more domestic role while the husband works. But it’s important to note that this strategy still implies that both members of the household and their children benefit. The kids have a mother that looks after them, so she has done her part. One would think that a better house, experience, and vacations would also be part of the husband’s contribution. Modern couples have become more aware of income inequality, and concern for how it affects relationships is creating more anxiety among married and cohabiting couples.
Without more information about the couple’s finances, something we are probably not going to get, it’s impossible to paint a fully accurate picture. But a few things are generally true. Firstly, motherhood tends to have a negative impact on a woman’s individual finances. OP seems to confirm this, that her career advancement is somewhat on pause as she had the added responsibility of childcare which is a full-time job in of itself. So it’s hard to describe the husband’s money as solely his, as his career probably benefited from having a hardworking wife in his corner. But the risk of a sole breadwinner is that the family has one, single source of income.
Some commenters sided with the husband, as they believed that it was ultimately his money and his decision
Others had more mixed feelings, arguing that she also contributed a lot through childcare and housekeeping, likely at the cost of her own income
This needs more context. It could be interpreted as either miserly or careful, and the best advice us always to live beneath your means instead of overstretching and drowning in debt that would bankrupt you if one of you gets laid off, has a lengthy and expensive illness, or dies. BUT, did anyone read OP’s reply that she has NO idea about where HIS money is going, as hers pays for everything grocery- and child-related. THAT sounds like a huge red flag to me. What’s he hiding? Gambling? Another woman? Using up her money to make her penniless so she can’t leave him? Is he squirreling money into the kids’ college funds? Paying off all their present bills and the mortgage too? Investing it so they can have a really comfortable retirement? What? He needs to be more transparent about where his now increased paychecks are going.
yeah my first thought was "what is he doing with his money?"
Maybe his money isn't going anywhere other than into a savings account. It sounds like he is being careful and she needs to have a conversation with him, instead of seeking advice from internet strangers. This post does not have enough information for me to make any suggestions other than talk to him.
Definitely more context needed. When I think of a rural area, I think of my husband, who grew up 17 miles away from the nearest town, and four miles from the nearest public transit. I don't know what isolated is to this person, but if it's even just half of how my husband grew up, I support a move. Especially with children. That being said, casually mentioning "doubling the budget" seems a bit drastic. If I were the wife, I'd start by doing some math and find an area where maybe costs would increase, but not by double. If he's unwilling to listen to a well-thought-out and mathed proposal, that's a red flag.
Sounds to me like she never asked and it didn't occur to her til now. Hubby may just be insecure about money and really is just trying to save. When my father passed away, I was shocked to learn that my mom let him take care of absolutely all of the bills and had no clue what they had or where. To her, that was The Man's Job.
The OP says she pays for some minor stuff, not that there is a full disclosure on where she spends her money! His smart by not wanting to increase recurrent and extra expenses putting even more burden on him since he is the main bread winner!
She needs to get him to open up about their finances. It's not right that only he has that knowledge
This sounds like a communication problem. Don't ask the internet, figure out what your goals are, and if they aren't the same, get on the same page. If you can't, sounds like bigger relationship problems than which house you live in.
This needs more context. It could be interpreted as either miserly or careful, and the best advice us always to live beneath your means instead of overstretching and drowning in debt that would bankrupt you if one of you gets laid off, has a lengthy and expensive illness, or dies. BUT, did anyone read OP’s reply that she has NO idea about where HIS money is going, as hers pays for everything grocery- and child-related. THAT sounds like a huge red flag to me. What’s he hiding? Gambling? Another woman? Using up her money to make her penniless so she can’t leave him? Is he squirreling money into the kids’ college funds? Paying off all their present bills and the mortgage too? Investing it so they can have a really comfortable retirement? What? He needs to be more transparent about where his now increased paychecks are going.
yeah my first thought was "what is he doing with his money?"
Maybe his money isn't going anywhere other than into a savings account. It sounds like he is being careful and she needs to have a conversation with him, instead of seeking advice from internet strangers. This post does not have enough information for me to make any suggestions other than talk to him.
Definitely more context needed. When I think of a rural area, I think of my husband, who grew up 17 miles away from the nearest town, and four miles from the nearest public transit. I don't know what isolated is to this person, but if it's even just half of how my husband grew up, I support a move. Especially with children. That being said, casually mentioning "doubling the budget" seems a bit drastic. If I were the wife, I'd start by doing some math and find an area where maybe costs would increase, but not by double. If he's unwilling to listen to a well-thought-out and mathed proposal, that's a red flag.
Sounds to me like she never asked and it didn't occur to her til now. Hubby may just be insecure about money and really is just trying to save. When my father passed away, I was shocked to learn that my mom let him take care of absolutely all of the bills and had no clue what they had or where. To her, that was The Man's Job.
The OP says she pays for some minor stuff, not that there is a full disclosure on where she spends her money! His smart by not wanting to increase recurrent and extra expenses putting even more burden on him since he is the main bread winner!
She needs to get him to open up about their finances. It's not right that only he has that knowledge
This sounds like a communication problem. Don't ask the internet, figure out what your goals are, and if they aren't the same, get on the same page. If you can't, sounds like bigger relationship problems than which house you live in.