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Retiring After 20 Years In Military, Husband Tells Wife To Work, She Brands Him Thankless
Interview With ExpertMarriage often means navigating a shifting balance of responsibilities, and sometimes those shifts can catch you off guard.
After 15 years together, today’s Original Poster (OP) thought it was the right time to rethink their household roles. With his military career coming to an end and the kids becoming more independent, he suggested a role reversal, but his wife wasn’t about it.
More info: Reddit
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People have said that marriage is a constantly evolving journey, and sometimes, the balance of roles and responsibilities rarely stays the same for long
Image credits: artursafronovvvv / Freepik (not the actual photo)
After fifteen years of marriage and raising two kids, the author plans to retire from the military and become a stay-at-home dad
Image credits: Silly-Ranger-8435
Image credits: dragonimages / Freepik (not the actual photo)
He suggests his wife, who’s never worked outside the home, start a job now that the kids are older
Image credits: Silly-Ranger-8435
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The wife, who doesn’t enjoy cooking or cleaning, spends her days at the gym, socializing, and only cooks dinner
Image credits: Silly-Ranger-8435
When he brought up staying home while she got a job, she accused him of being ungrateful, leading to her giving him the cold shoulder
The OP and his wife have been together for fifteen years, raising a 14 year-old and a 12 year-old together. He has served 20 years in the military and is nearing retirement, and with both children in school for most of the day, he thought it might be time to rethink their household dynamic.
For context, the wife has been a stay-at-home wife all through these fifteen years and since he was nearing retirement, he suggested to his wife that since the kids no longer need constant supervision, she could get a job. Meanwhile, he would take on the cooking and cleaning, aiming to improve their diet and reduce takeout.
He explained that his wife doesn’t particularly enjoy cooking or cleaning. and that her daily routine, after sending the kids off to school, involves the gym, yoga, coffee outings, social media, shopping trips, and beauty appointments. Despite bringing it up as gently as possible, his wife did not take the suggestion well.
His wife accused him of being ungrateful and not appreciating her contributions to the household, and now, the air between them feels icy. She’s acting distant, and he’s left wondering if he was wrong for making that suggestion.
Re-entering the workforce after years as a stay-at-home parent can feel like learning to ride a bike all over again, only now there are more gears to shift and new rules to master. Career coach Ronke Adesina explained to Bored Panda, that one of the biggest challenges is rebuilding confidence while catching up with evolving technology and workplace culture.
“Balancing family responsibilities alongside a job requires patience and flexibility,” she noted. Yet, employers often value the unique problem-solving, multitasking, and resilience stay-at-home parents bring. With the right mindset and support, this transition can be “an exciting chance for personal growth and rediscovery.”
Image credits: hryshchyshen / Freepik (not the actual photo)
However, how realistic is it to find a well-paying job with benefits despite having no prior experience? According to Adesina, landing a well-paying job with benefits can be challenging but is definitely achievable with the right strategy and patience.
“While many employers look for proven experience, some industries value enthusiasm and transferable skills just as much,” she stated before adding that starting in an entry-level role that offers benefits may not be glamorous, but it can open doors to better opportunities down the line. It’s all about taking it step by step and keeping a long-term perspective.
Navigating these career shifts isn’t just about job hunting; it also means addressing changes in household roles, as is the case with the OP. According to Adesina, productive conversations about these transitions work best when couples approach them as a team rather than opponents.
She emphasized the importance of “creating a safe space” where both partners can openly share their thoughts and truly listen to each other. “Flexibility is also crucial, with an understanding that agreements may need to evolve as circumstances change. Ultimately, the goal is finding solutions that support both partners and keep the household running smoothly.”
Netizens sympathized with the OP’s intention but expressed their doubt in the practicality of his plan, pointing out that his wife’s lack of work experience will make finding a decent job extremely challenging. They stated that the conversation came too late and highlighted the emotional strain and financial concerns of retirement, advising him to manage expectations and communicate openly.
What do you think about this situation? Do you think it’s realistic to expect a stay-at-home parent to jump into the workforce after a long break? We would love to know your thoughts!
Netizens expressed sympathy for the author, but also stated that this conversation should have come up earlier, as it might be difficult for his wife to find a good job now
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What do you think ?
Mel in Georgia 5 months ago
When our kids were old enough I went back to work mostly because I wanted my own money and to use my brain for something other than taking care of others. This guy paid for her schooling - I would feel obligated to get a job after that! She just doesn't want to give up her free time.
Ms.GB 5 months ago
I've been taking care of my disabled mom for the last 6 years and now I need to go back to work but I'm 45. I'm so nervous about working outside the home again. Honestly it will probably feel like nothing after being a 24/7 caregiver, I'm mostly nervous that nobody will want me because of my age and being out of the industry for 6 years.
Load More Replies...
sweet emotion 5 months ago
Even is she does have a degree, that wife isn't going to find much of a job with a resume that lists her experience as getting nails done and ordering takeout.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 5 months ago
Then she can work retail or as a barista or in fast food. I have an English degree but worked a retail job at a grocery store during the pandemic. I agree any "decent" job in the psych field will raise an eyebrow at the 10/15 years she's had no job after getting her degree, but I guess she'll just have to find work somewhere! XD She could take refresher courses/certifications for her psych degree/field while working a lesser job until she's more up-to-date and could possibly get a job in her "chosen" field (I say "chosen" because presumably she pursued that degree because she wanted to work in that field...?)
Load More Replies...
Ge Po 5 months ago
I had an education I could no longer use, due to being a SAHM for 14 years. That said, we also have a large garden and a house that had to be totally renovated. So a huge part of my input had to do with kids, housekeeping, renovating or reorganizing tools, materials, furniture and maintaining/harvesting the fruit trees in the garden. When the youngest, special needs, started to get more and more independent, I got an education in health care and started to work. First part time, then, following the growth to independence of the kids, taking on more and more work. Kids have now moved out and I now work 75%, which leaves me some time for the last renovations and the garden.
margaret carradus 4 months ago
I did it. Stayed home with the kids then ended up teaching. Mind, you have to wànt to put in the hard yards. I don't think she is.
Sarah Jan Kelly 5 months ago
To me this is an ESH situation. Obv the wife is MORE in the wrong, but I can’t believe it seems like they didn’t discuss this at all before he actually retired. Does he have any idea how much she could earn in an entry level job and does he know if that’s enough to cover their lifestyle? She should definitely go back to work, but he seems to think that paying for her psychology degree years ago was a good investment in her ability to work now. She’s more likely to end up at Starbucks making coffee than using that degree so it was just money down the drain. It sounds like he spent years enabling her and ignoring reality, now he’s gone from 0 to 100 expecting her to magically become a responsible adult.
zovjraar me 5 months ago
if wifey wants the tradlife, she needs to live the tradlife. she can be the homemaker or get a job. and she needs to be with someone who is ok with whichever she chooses. it's not fair for the husband to be the maid, cook, and breadwinner.
Sparkle 5 months ago
Sometimes I wish life experience could fit on your resume. You can have the best degree but life experience is ten times better.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 5 months ago
She doesn't even have life experience. She has the experience of getting her nails and hair done.
Load More Replies...
K Barnes 5 months ago
She can start with an entry level job, supplemented by her husband's military pension, and perhaps move into a better position with some experience. That's how everyone else does it (well, except nepotism hires). She's just starting later, she can still start. Sounds like right now her daily routine of yoga and expensive beauty treatments followed by ordering takeout isn't contributing anything, she could at least contribute something small.
Load More Replies...
Mel in Georgia 5 months ago
When our kids were old enough I went back to work mostly because I wanted my own money and to use my brain for something other than taking care of others. This guy paid for her schooling - I would feel obligated to get a job after that! She just doesn't want to give up her free time.
Ms.GB 5 months ago
I've been taking care of my disabled mom for the last 6 years and now I need to go back to work but I'm 45. I'm so nervous about working outside the home again. Honestly it will probably feel like nothing after being a 24/7 caregiver, I'm mostly nervous that nobody will want me because of my age and being out of the industry for 6 years.
Load More Replies... sweet emotion 5 months ago
Even is she does have a degree, that wife isn't going to find much of a job with a resume that lists her experience as getting nails done and ordering takeout.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 5 months ago
Then she can work retail or as a barista or in fast food. I have an English degree but worked a retail job at a grocery store during the pandemic. I agree any "decent" job in the psych field will raise an eyebrow at the 10/15 years she's had no job after getting her degree, but I guess she'll just have to find work somewhere! XD She could take refresher courses/certifications for her psych degree/field while working a lesser job until she's more up-to-date and could possibly get a job in her "chosen" field (I say "chosen" because presumably she pursued that degree because she wanted to work in that field...?)
Load More Replies... Ge Po 5 months ago
I had an education I could no longer use, due to being a SAHM for 14 years. That said, we also have a large garden and a house that had to be totally renovated. So a huge part of my input had to do with kids, housekeeping, renovating or reorganizing tools, materials, furniture and maintaining/harvesting the fruit trees in the garden. When the youngest, special needs, started to get more and more independent, I got an education in health care and started to work. First part time, then, following the growth to independence of the kids, taking on more and more work. Kids have now moved out and I now work 75%, which leaves me some time for the last renovations and the garden.
margaret carradus 4 months ago
I did it. Stayed home with the kids then ended up teaching. Mind, you have to wànt to put in the hard yards. I don't think she is.
Sarah Jan Kelly 5 months ago
To me this is an ESH situation. Obv the wife is MORE in the wrong, but I can’t believe it seems like they didn’t discuss this at all before he actually retired. Does he have any idea how much she could earn in an entry level job and does he know if that’s enough to cover their lifestyle? She should definitely go back to work, but he seems to think that paying for her psychology degree years ago was a good investment in her ability to work now. She’s more likely to end up at Starbucks making coffee than using that degree so it was just money down the drain. It sounds like he spent years enabling her and ignoring reality, now he’s gone from 0 to 100 expecting her to magically become a responsible adult.
zovjraar me 5 months ago
if wifey wants the tradlife, she needs to live the tradlife. she can be the homemaker or get a job. and she needs to be with someone who is ok with whichever she chooses. it's not fair for the husband to be the maid, cook, and breadwinner.
Sparkle 5 months ago
Sometimes I wish life experience could fit on your resume. You can have the best degree but life experience is ten times better.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 5 months ago
She doesn't even have life experience. She has the experience of getting her nails and hair done.
Load More Replies... K Barnes 5 months ago
She can start with an entry level job, supplemented by her husband's military pension, and perhaps move into a better position with some experience. That's how everyone else does it (well, except nepotism hires). She's just starting later, she can still start. Sounds like right now her daily routine of yoga and expensive beauty treatments followed by ordering takeout isn't contributing anything, she could at least contribute something small.
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