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Grief works in mysterious ways; some people never recover after the passing of their partner, while others are able to move on with a new love of their life. Statistically, only 5% of women and 12% of men remarry after their partner passes. Still, the late partner’s memory often lives on in the next marriage.
That was the case for this couple, but the memory of the deceased partner also became their relationship’s undoing. After 10 years of marriage, the wife did everything she could to uphold her husband’s late wife’s memory. It wasn’t enough, as he started visiting her tombstone more frequently and drove her to wonder whether he would ever truly choose his living wife over his late one.
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A woman married a man who was grieving his late wife and had to deal with the consequences 10 years later
Image credits: August de Richelieu / Pexels (not the actual photo)
At one point, the husband became distant and started visiting his late wife’s tombstone more frequently
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Vitaly Gariev / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Polina Zimmerman / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: JelousOfLateWifeTA
The new spouse might feel like “a second spouse” if they constantly have to preserve the memory of the late one
Marrying someone who experienced grief like this husband can be tough. It’s different from just being a second wife, since the person never made the decision to divorce the spouse who passed away. According to the author of Widows Wear Stilettos, Carol Brody Fleet, “the [passing] of a spouse or partner does not nullify a marriage or relationship – that sort of nullification involves a divorce or a breakup,” she told HuffPost. “I assure you that when it comes to widowhood, no one left the marriage willingly.”
The author details how she has put a great deal of effort into preserving the memory of her husband’s late wife. However, some experts disagree on whether it’s healthy to do so. For example, relationship coach and dating-and-marriage expert Abel Keogh believes that the new spouse has no obligation to uphold the memory.
“They can do so if they choose, but upholding a memory of the late wife usually makes the living wife feel like second best,” he told Bored Panda in a previous interview. “The best thing a widower can do is let his new spouse know how he would like to acknowledge certain days (such as her date of [passing] or their wedding anniversary) and give him the space to remember that day.”
“However, there should [be] a point where the widower no longer needs to acknowledge those days and instead focuses his time and attention on his living wife and his new life,” Keogh explained. He encourages women not to tolerate behavior from a widower they would not tolerate from any other man.
While it’s totally fine to feel sympathy, a widower shouldn’t be able to get away with making his wife feel like second best. “Though it’s tragic that his wife [passed], this doesn’t excuse him [from] making comparisons with his new love and his late wife, not introducing you to family and friends, refusing to take down photos and shrines to the late wife, or always talking about her. He should be proud of you and the relationship and make you number one in his heart and mind.”
Image credits: SHVETS production / Pexels (not the actual photo)
At the same time, honoring and respecting each other’s past is paramount in any relationship
Other experts offer a different perspective on such situations. Grief specialist and a widow herself who successfully remarried, Iris Arenson-Fuller, PCC, CPC, also has told Bored Panda in the past that the grief of losing someone never really goes away.
“We don’t ‘get over’ the loss of […] any beloved. Time does not heal, as many erroneously believe, though it can soften the sharpness,” Arenson-Fuller explained. “The pain will always be there and will sometimes take us by surprise at unexpected times, or will be triggered by something.”
She believes that it’s important for spouses to honor and respect each other’s past. “The past relationships, troubles, and challenges a new spouse has lived through make him/her/them the person they are in the present,” Arenson-Fuller says. “The past has contributed enormously to the strengths, vulnerabilities, and beauty of the person you fell in love with and are now married to.”
However, thoughts about a deceased spouse should never take center stage in a new relationship. “If the past becomes an obsession or is a constant topic, it’s time to seek some counseling or coaching,” the grief specialist believes.
“I feel like the second option,” the wife wrote in the comments
Commenters thought the husband’s behavior wasn’t normal and were suspicious of him spending so long at his late wife’s tombstone
A later confrontation culminated in the husband uttering the most hurtful words imaginable to his wife: “I think I’d rather have someone punch me than him telling me that”
Image credits: Timur Weber / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Mohit Sharma / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: JelousOfLateWifeTA
Commenters praised the wife for standing up and choosing herself
After the baby was born, the wife came back with an update about how the husband was asking for a second chance
Image credits: Helena Lopes / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Gui Spinardi / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: JelousOfLateWifeTA
Commenters advised the couple to start over the relationship and try dating instead of jumping back in
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What do you think ?
Chrystina Sumpter 2 hours ago
There is a short story by Italo Calvino about a man whose new bride is deathly ill and he prays for her, feeling this overwhelming love for her. Against all odds, she recovers and he is overcome with joy, but then life happens. As the years pass and conflicts arise he decides it would have been better had she died when his love was unblemished by real life. That, in a nutshell, is what’s happening here. Because L died so early in their marriage, the husband can fantasize about the perfection of his remembered relationship instead of dealing with the reality of his actual marriage and his impending fatherhood. What a coward.
Purple Gurl 3 hours ago
I recognize the need to have coping strategies, but the healthier thing, in my non-medically inclined opinion, would have been to include your new partner in the grieving and coping process. If you want to go to the late partner's favorite places, then bring your current partner sometimes. Share the stories, share the food and the experiences. In time, you can build additional memories for those places. If we all kept away from stuff that reminds us of something or someone else, or kept others away from 'our places', then we would all just be isolated in our own little caves and never growing.
Chrystina Sumpter 2 hours ago
There is a short story by Italo Calvino about a man whose new bride is deathly ill and he prays for her, feeling this overwhelming love for her. Against all odds, she recovers and he is overcome with joy, but then life happens. As the years pass and conflicts arise he decides it would have been better had she died when his love was unblemished by real life. That, in a nutshell, is what’s happening here. Because L died so early in their marriage, the husband can fantasize about the perfection of his remembered relationship instead of dealing with the reality of his actual marriage and his impending fatherhood. What a coward.
Purple Gurl 3 hours ago
I recognize the need to have coping strategies, but the healthier thing, in my non-medically inclined opinion, would have been to include your new partner in the grieving and coping process. If you want to go to the late partner's favorite places, then bring your current partner sometimes. Share the stories, share the food and the experiences. In time, you can build additional memories for those places. If we all kept away from stuff that reminds us of something or someone else, or kept others away from 'our places', then we would all just be isolated in our own little caves and never growing.
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