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SAHM Dreams Of A Packed House And More Babies, Husband Pumps The Brakes On 50/50 Childcare
It usually takes folks a lot of back-and-forth before they’re even ready to start having kids. Unfortunately, in some cases, both partners might not be on the same page about actually having children or how many they should have, which can end up causing conflicts.
This is what one man was struggling with because his wife wanted to have a big family and also expected him to equally help with the childcare. The main problem was that he found parenting exhausting and didn’t want to be forced to manage even more little ones.
More info: Mumsnet
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It can be tough to have discussions about childcare and family planning because such topics are often deeply personal
Image credits: everyonephoto / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The poster explained that his wife always wanted a big family with 3-4 children, and didn’t want more than one, but went along with her ideas as she found it fulfilling
Image credits: TriangleProd / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The man found it tough to manage his childcare duties as he worked most of the time, but his wife, who thrived as a stay-at-home mom, still expected him to help out
Image credits: gorynvd / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The poster didn’t know what to do because his wife wanted to have more children, and expected him to do half of the childcare duties
Image credits: dadtosomekids
The poster felt that since he didn’t really want to have more children, and his wife did, she should be the one to shoulder the lion’s share of parenting responsibilities
As the OP mentioned, he really loved his wife and cared about both of his children, even though he personally felt that he’d be okay only having one kid. The reason he went along with having more little ones was that his partner was very passionate about it and also felt fulfilled by the decision.
According to parenting experts, when both spouses have different views on family planning, it’s important for them to discuss the matter often until they can find some common ground. By going through the pros and cons of each choice, they will be better able to understand one another and also see what works best for them.
It definitely seems like this couple hadn’t had an honest conversation about how many kids they should actually have, and that the OP’s wife kept spearheading the decision. Since she was also a stay-at-home mom, she took on most of the parenting and household duties, but also expected her husband to contribute equally whenever he was at home.
In fact, studies have found that regardless of whether both partners are working or not, it’s usually the mother who has to manage most of the housework and childcare. This can be exhausting to do all the time, which is probably why the poster’s wife wanted him to also help out more.
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The problem is that since the OP didn’t really want to have so many children, and his wife did, he felt that she should manage the childcare more. It was also tough for him to put in so much energy and enthusiasm for added parenting duties when it wasn’t something he had signed up for in the first place.
Unfortunately, he didn’t know how to talk to his wife about the situation, as she wanted him to split the household and childcare chores right down the middle. That’s why he decided to ask people for advice, to see if there was anything else he could do in such a complicated situation.
In such cases, therapists advise couples to have a heart-to-heart discussion about how important it is to them to have more kids or to stop having more children. If they are not able to come to a conclusion even after extensive discussions or therapy, then they might need to decide whether they can still stay together or not.
The poster did mention that he wanted to stay with his wife, he just didn’t want to take on even more childcare responsibilities. He hoped that even if they had more children, she would just manage it all, since she kept pushing for the big family in the first place.
What do you think about this situation, and what advice would you give the poster to handle it? We’d love to hear your opinion.
Most folks advised the man not to give in to his wife’s idea of having more kids, and if they did have more children, he should definitely help out more
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What do you think ?
FreeTheUnicorn 1 hour ago
So if one parent is a SAHP, and the other works outside the home, it's completely unreasonable to split childcare 50/50. Customary is 50/50 outside of work hours, and close to 100% SAHP during work hours because that's their job.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 hour ago
This couple isn't compatible and they knew it and had kids anyway. It was dishonest on both their parts, but now it's done, it's not ok to keep forging ahead without addressing it . Do not get married and have kids with someone with different life goals It's time to break up, co-parent, she can have a bunch more kids and pretend that's meaningful and he can share custody, which gets him some time off and means he won't have more than 2. This is a case where they both hoped the other would change and surprise surprise, neither did. Forcing someone to parent when they don't want to is not going to be good for the or the kids, forcing someone not to have kids who thinks biological instincts shouldn't be ignored isn't right either. There's no solution where staying together means a happy family. Best case is split and be happy separate. But seriously, everyone, stop building a life with someone who doesn't want to build the same life as you. It's bad for the kids.
Earonn - 1 hour ago
1. He doesn't get time off? When does he think a SAH parent gets time off? Who cooks and does the laundry at the weekend? 2. She made clear from the beginning that she wants 3-4 kids. He went along although that's not what he wanted. Basically, he lied to her. And now he's complaining and wants HER to adapt because HE couldn't be honest?
FreeTheUnicorn 1 hour ago
So if one parent is a SAHP, and the other works outside the home, it's completely unreasonable to split childcare 50/50. Customary is 50/50 outside of work hours, and close to 100% SAHP during work hours because that's their job.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 hour ago
This couple isn't compatible and they knew it and had kids anyway. It was dishonest on both their parts, but now it's done, it's not ok to keep forging ahead without addressing it . Do not get married and have kids with someone with different life goals It's time to break up, co-parent, she can have a bunch more kids and pretend that's meaningful and he can share custody, which gets him some time off and means he won't have more than 2. This is a case where they both hoped the other would change and surprise surprise, neither did. Forcing someone to parent when they don't want to is not going to be good for the or the kids, forcing someone not to have kids who thinks biological instincts shouldn't be ignored isn't right either. There's no solution where staying together means a happy family. Best case is split and be happy separate. But seriously, everyone, stop building a life with someone who doesn't want to build the same life as you. It's bad for the kids.
Earonn - 1 hour ago
1. He doesn't get time off? When does he think a SAH parent gets time off? Who cooks and does the laundry at the weekend? 2. She made clear from the beginning that she wants 3-4 kids. He went along although that's not what he wanted. Basically, he lied to her. And now he's complaining and wants HER to adapt because HE couldn't be honest?
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