Husband Of 2 Years Asks If He’s A Jerk For Not Telling His Wife He’s “Fixed” While She Has Baby Fever
Honesty is the foundation for trust in any relationship – romantic, platonic or the kind you have with your family; being transparent with your loved ones will strengthen your connection and promise you an everlasting bond.
Displaying honesty doesn’t mean you have to share every little thought, as there’s a difference between keeping secrets and being private.
However, when settling down and, perhaps, tying the knot with your forever partner – It’s always in your best interest to be open and straightforward. Everyone likes honesty and building your family on lies, even if they’re “little” and “white”, will eventually lead to heartbreak that could’ve been easily avoided.
More info: Reddit
Being honest is essential, even if you think that the truth will break your spouse’s heart
Image source: Michael Coghlan (not the actual photo)
“AITA for not telling my wife I had a vasectomy?” – this online user took it to one of Reddit’s beloved communities to find out whether he’s indeed a jerk for lying about his vasectomy while still trying for a baby with his partner. The post has managed to receive nearly 17K upvotes and 2K worth of comments discussing the man’s cruel secret.
Husband wonders if he’s a jerk for hiding his vasectomy from child-wanting wife for over two years
Image source: PartyYogurtcloset7
The author began his post by revealing that he’s been married to his wife for over two years and that she’s always wanted to have a child with him; moreover, he mentioned that they’ve been “trying” for some time, though the catch is that he had a vasectomy and never bothered to tell her.
Image source: PartyYogurtcloset7
The OP is a father to 3 children that he had with his ex. His former spouse is now pregnant from her current partner and when she came over to drop the kids off, his wife was asking all sorts of questions about the baby and whether she knew the gender. The man then mentioned that his ex-wife knows everything about his vasectomy, as he did it after their youngest was born.
Image source: PartyYogurtcloset7
Naturally, the author’s beloved partner did mention how excited she is to be pregnant – however, she revealed that they’ve been having no luck conceiving. The ex gave the woman a smile and instantly shifted her eyes to the author, piercing him with a concerned look.
She later texted the man expressing her disappointment and demanded that he reveal the truth to his poor wife who has been holding onto a false hope for several years.
Image source: PartyYogurtcloset7
Image source: Eric Lewis (not the actual photo)
The author understands that revealing the truth will absolutely break his wife’s heart – yet, describing this huge secret as being “a little dishonest” seems suspicious, at the minimum; him purposely messing with his partner’s emotions and withholding this vital information since the beginning of their relationship simply can’t be justified by anything.
Fellow Redditors collectively agreed that the man is indeed the bad guy in this situation
344Kviews
Share on FacebookWow. A whole new level of cruelty. I can't put in words how angry this makes me.
Agreed. I think one of the proper responses to his actions would be to separate the organs(all external parts) but using a dull hedge trimmer.
Load More Replies...Plot twist - she does get pregnant (you know, miraculously because God willed it, /s). And then the YTA husband can't say anything to protect the lie.
I read of something like this years ago: husband had a vasectomy, found wife's diaphragm, poked holes in a blind rage. Soon after, wife was thrilled by the "miracle" pregnancy and husband was wondering if he should 'fess up.
Load More Replies...This isn't "a little dishonest" this is a relationship-ending betrayal. The first time she talked about wanting kids with OP, he needed to say "I've had a vasectomy, I don't want another baby". To let her 'try' for a child is unbelievably cruel.
He should have told her about the vasectomy well before getting engaged, let alone married!
Load More Replies...It's very good grouds to get the marriage annulled.. They are in it for totally different reasons and he is messing with her mental health... Imagine how she feels thinking that she is the "faulty" one who can't have the baby she want.. Decisions like that have to be made before getting married. If one spouse wants a child and other don't - it's not going to work. And he is just a little peace of panda poo lying to her about something that important.. It's worse than cheating...
You can get a no fault divorce. Why is getting the marriage annulled even necessary?
Load More Replies...Thank you for potentially killing your wife with unneeded medications. If she was taking birth control pills you subjected her to a higher potential for blood clot, stroke, and heart attack. Thanks for her weight gain. Just a swell guy.
I was strung along for 4 years by a man who told me he wanted kids, eventually said "not with you though", and then didn't understand why I broke up with him. Four healthy fertile years of my life that I could have spent with someone who wanted to have them with me. It is unbelievably cruel to do this to someone. This poor woman probably thinks there's is something medically wrong with her body.
You're the reason people shouldn't get married. Honesty is a keystone to any good relationship. Why hurt someone you love? Because you're a self centered, single minded human being.
You pretend you care about breaking her heart by telling her, but her heart gets broken every single month when she’s hoping for a pregnancy and she starts her period. You don’t care a bit about her heart.
If this story is true I completely agree with your response and feel so awful for the wife. Women get burdened with enough stress in life and when she finds out she will be so destroyed beyond repair 😞 this is almost as bad as domestic abuse because how can the wife ever trust a man again 😞 so heartbreaking. Ugh this is why I’m single by choice - to avoid men like this
Load More Replies...I feel like this post wasn't actually written by the husband. Like maybe it was written by the ex-wife posing as the husband to get people's reactions so she could show it to him. I don't know but it just doesn't feel genuine.
I don’t even believe it at all. Surely the wife would have been curious as to why he was so confident that they didn’t have to use any form of birth control when they first met. Plus the wife would have surely attended at least one medical appointment with him - spouses are allowed to know about medical history, for example if he had an STD then she would have every right to know so this is no different.
Load More Replies...Willing to bet money he's letting her think she has fertility problems
Ugh men who do that have a special place in hell reserved for them 😔 ugh this is why I’m single by choice!!! Ugh men like this make my skin crawl.
Load More Replies...Things like plans about children should be decided before you commit to a serious relationship. To be honest to your partner about such things is an absolute must. The only silver lining here is that his wife didn't get pregnant because having a baby with such a prick would be miserable.
He has conned her into a marriage contract under false pretences. She should divorce him immediately.
This is a VREY important thing to discuss before even going into a long term relationship, along with family goals for the future. He is a HUGE a*****e for not mentioning it at the start of their relationship. How is he even questioning this?!
Unbelievable. That he even dares to ask if he's an 'a*hole'. He is much more than that.
Wow! I almost can't believe this is real. Of course he has the right to decide whether he is a father again and the autonomy over his own body to become sterilised but if you want to share the rest of your life with someone then you should share how you feel too. I can understand if it's the VERY early days of a relationship but it obviously isn't when you're already married. Hopefully his wife gets to find out and dump him, not for being infertile - for being a liar to the extent that he 'tried' for a baby..
That's really, really cruel. Also a big thing to discuss BEFORE getting married. You gave all the right in the world to choose to not have children/more children but make sure your partner is on the same page BEFORE marriage. Or at least tell them you can't have more children biologically. And to not tell her while actively "trying"... she probably track her cycle and make sure to have sex on fertile days etc and then wait two weeks and have to take a negative pregnancy test... again (that's quite stressful). You put her through all that rather than telling her the truth? Shame on you.
Of course he's the a*****e and at this rate that poor woman is going to be led to believe something is wrong with her that means she is struggling to conceive. Like Jesus christ how has it been this long and why the f**k are you playing along. A vasectomy can be reversed it's a pain but I pretty sure it can be done
It can be done and it's a simple procedure. However, he can't if he wants to keep the lie going.
Load More Replies...Vascetomy reversal surgery is 95% effective. It's not like you didn't have options.
Hang on a minute, aren't vasectomies reversible? I mean yes he's OBVIOUSLY a major a*****e and needs to get his s**t together, but if he's actively wanting to continue this marriage and is "trying".... if he wants his marriage to work, he could get a reversal and work through this with his wife. Unless he genuinely does not ever under any circumstances want any more kids ever, in which case, if you can't tell her about the vasectomy even, tell her you just don't feel that you want more kids and that she deserves better. Because she does. Bloody hell. You know there is some other guy out there as well totally in love with her who is gutted she married this turd and would love to have a family with her. Screw you, jerk.
30% of vasectomies can't be reversed. That number gets higher the longer it has been since the vasectomy happened.
Load More Replies...Depending on where the poster lives if this is in the US some states would consider this fraud. The marriage could be annulled.
How is that any different from just having a no fault divorce?
Load More Replies...Yeah. My ex was like that. He lied because "he didn't want to hurt me" aka he didn't want to face the discomfort of his own actions that he clearly knew was wrong. When I eventually found out we had thousands on credit card debt I wasn't hurt. I was broken. If this guy really doesn't care more about his wife he should really be screened for severe mental issues, like sociopathy
That seems really dishonest and down right creepy. If you love someone why give them hope, where there is none. Making a decision that affects both of you without consulting her, is controlling just selfish. How would you like it if she did that to you instead of being honest?
My God man, what is wrong with you??? Your wife now has the right to Open your marriage so she can get pregnant with someone else. I'm not talking about artificial insemination either. I hope you have to watch her try to get pregnant over and over again with someone. That is, if she wants to keep you around at all. After all that lying you better offer her the option to get pregnant with someone else.
Vasectomies are reversible, but it's too late now. You should have been honest in the first place.
30% of vasectomies can't be reversed. That number increases the longer it has been since the vasectomy.
Load More Replies...Yea, you're a jerk. When my now husband and I started dating we were in the same situation. I'm 10 years younger than he is and he had had a vasectomy several years earlier. The difference? He explained the situation to me very early on the relationship. He gave me time to think over. I did and we've been happily married for 52 years. Had he not told me early on, we would have divorced long ago.
If he’s been “trying”, he just wants seggs with her, and is betraying her to get it. Disgusting. Omg.
YTA BIG TIME!!! When even the EX-WIFE is calling you out about stringing your current wife along about "trying" for a baby when you KNOW you damn well can't father one, that's when you and your wife have to have one of those VERY hard discussions!! It's only a matter of time before she suggests seeing a fertility doctor to see what's going on, and that's when the truth will come out because the doctor will ask BOTH of you about ANY possible issues that may be preventing the wife from getting pregnant! Better to tell the truth NOW before someone else does!! But DON'T be shocked if she doesn't take it well (she won't)!!
Is not vasectomy something you can "undo"? I think I once read you can go back on surgery to "reconnect" your things. But still, this man is cruel.
There is only a 70% chance that a vasectomy will be able to be reversed and the chances get lower the longer it has been since the vasectomy was done.
Load More Replies...This guy is creepy and pathologically cowardly. The fact that he continues to lie and had to be called out by his ex wife shows what a self absorbed sociopath he is.
This is truly cruel to do to someone that you supposedly love. Absolutely reprehensible. You should have told her long before now, as in when you first started dating, because children are compatibility 101 when it comes to whether you have a future together. Not only an a*****e, but clearly a sadist because you are intentionally putting her through ridiculous amounts of pain. If you truly don’t want more children, then tell her. If you do want a child with her, reverse your f*****g vasectomy and STILL man the f**k up to your wife whom you’ve deceived for at LEAST two years (we don’t know how long you’ve been dating)
30% of vasectomies can't be reversed. That number increases the longer it has been since the vasectomy.
Load More Replies...I mean, unless he got snipped, vasectomies are reversible and easy to do last I checked. Part of their appeal. That said though, major f****n AH here. The simple fact that he thought it was ok to lie about this long enough to get married is HORRID. This is, as mentioned above, one of the BASIC compatibility tests that should be brought out by date 3 at least. Major major AH here
30% of vasectomies can't be reversed. That number increases the longer its been since the vasectomy.
Load More Replies...Gross. Men like this are just gross. This has to be a troll. If this guy is real I hope she divorces him.
But if he offered to do it at this point would his wife still divorce him for the lie in the first place. I would.
Load More Replies...YTA. I suspect he married her so he’d have someone to look after the kids he already has when they are with him.
This is terrible. It’s even worse if she doesn’t have any children of her own already and clearly wants one. I feel like OP knows she’ll leave him if she knows the truth. Vasectomies are reversible so I suggest getting it reversed ASAP.
Of course he is an a*****e. Hes a creep. His wife is being psycholigically tortured.
C'mon, the truth is going to break her heart!! 💔 It's better to lie, talk about your future babies and let the wife have small heartbreaks every time her periods come and another months hope of a baby dies. He had 2 years to tell her that he can never give her the baby she want. So why make her sad? Just pretent for as long as you can and act surprised at the IVF when that day comes. No worries, he is the MEGA A*****E and don't even get it. 😡🤬
The only good thing you can say about this one is that at least it's not the other way around and tricking a person into getting pregnant when they think they can't.
Honestly, its just as bad. You are deceiving someone into life altering/shattering consequences. If she knows he has kids she now thinks SHE is the reason for their lack of pregnancy, which can lead to serious psychological issues of self worth and even self hate. No to mention if he is using the excuse of "trying" to get more s*x thats dangerous close to abuse. This is Honestly sickening.
Load More Replies...Totally 100% AH. There are certain things you absolutely must discuss even before your relationship becomes serious and your fertility status is NUMBER ONE as that can easily be a dealbreaker for some people. Others are any sexually transmissible diseases, hereditary genetic disorders, and diseases including a family history of mental health issues, debt issues, and any criminal convictions. Why can't he get that vasectomy reversed?
She's having sex with him under false pretences every time they "try" to get pregnant. Creepy and sick on his part. If she knew the truth, she most likely wouldn't be as they likely wouldn't've married (be together). He's such a major gaping a*****e and it gets worse everyday he doesn't tell her.
If this story is true I would love to see his face if the ex wife is dropping the kids off and the current wife decides that is the perfect moment to say with everyone there "I have some big news - I am pregnant too!"
Hope OP's wife divorces him + gets a nice settlement for "Mental Cruelty." (Only available in some places, unfortunately.)
Poor gal. I get so mad and blame myself for being infertile due to PCOS and I know she's blaming herself for her husband's selfish decisions.
How is that any different from just getting a no fault divorce?
Load More Replies...Holy cow, that dude is a world class AH. Grade AAA. I do not want kids. Never wanted them as a child and will be 40 this year; STILL ridiculously pleased I'm not a mother. Everyone I dated knows this. In fact, I say it upfront, before they'd even get to know my full, non-Anglicized name. It's cut off so, so, SO many people I'd otherwise waste my time with. And I don't inadvertently waste their's either. As actual adults communication is so important.
Interesting that this reddit post was made 2 years ago! But of course YTA, he could easily get it reversed -- and had the chance for 2 years -- if he really felt that bad...
Up to 30% of vasectomies can't be reversed. That number increases the longer it has been since the vasectomy.
Load More Replies...Hell yeah he's the a** hole. What is wrong with this guy??? Like seriously he's been "trying" with her??? No you've been messing with her mind making her think maybe something is wrong with her and that's why she's not getting pregnant. When in reality you've made it nearly impossible for her to get pregnant. Thats just wrong and this guy needs a serious reality check
I don't know what the oath is exactly in other countries, but where I live it includes things like to lobe and to cherish, in health or disease and also that they both are aware of each other's medical state. Therefore such a lie would be a more than valid reason for a divorce. He is TA, without question.
Yes you are TA, you are the KING A. You are TA that ate Hong Kong and destroyed Godzilla. You don't deserve to be married to anyone.
Get it reversed, NOW. You are one sick puppy to do this to her. I'm hoping this is a fake letter. If I were your ex, I would have spoken up right then and there "But he's had a vasectomy, did he have it reversed?" But I can be mean that way when a man is cruel first.
Not every vasectomy can be reversed. That's the risk you take when you get one.
Load More Replies...For two years this woman has blamed herself for not getting pregnant~~he's had several, so *obviously* it's not HIM, which is the rational thought if the other party isn't lying to his wife. I guarantee this has been weighing upon her. Women have been saddled with taking the blame for many marriage foibles over the centuries~~now this jackh**e is letting her take the blame! If she's smart, she'll divorce his fugly a**e and find a real man. He's too late to reverse his vasectomy without her finding out.
The only real remedy is to have the operation reversed which is common and typically effective. Still the lack of honesty on important matters does not bode well for this marriage.
This forum will not let me use the words I want to use to describe just what kind of scumbag you are.....
This is consider marriage fraud by the courts she can still (after all this time we'll if she found out and filed two years) have this marriage annulled. It won't even count for her. I hope she did find out.
How is that different from just getting a no fault divorce?
Load More Replies...This can't be real. You don't want to break her heart by telling her the truth, but how does this end? She is going to find out, because you only try naturally for so long before you start getting doctors involved to check both parties to see where the problem lies. When she does find out, her reaction will be a thousand times worse than if you had told her up front. You could have broken up amicably, but instead you take years of her limited time to have kids away from her. As it is, things could get violent when she finds out and you'd completely deserve it.
I hope she leaves him and finds someone better. What he is doing (accidental or not) is abuse.
He's a very cruel man who is toying with an emotional woman's feelings. When she finds out, she will divorce him and he WILL deserve it.
Yah something that should have been said years ago, prior to marriage. On that note in my area instead of reversing vasectomies its now common to just get sperm extracted and go through insemination.
I hope she divorces and sues the f**k out of him and she can! Yes she can. The least he can do is pay for IVF
Yep definitely the AH in this but I’m pretty sure vasectomies are reversible so maybe instead of being a sociopath about this and lying you should do the opposite and tell the truth and rectify the situation. The fact your asking if your the AH leaves some serious concerns about your moral compass. Mostly that you even have to ask, this is kinda a given.
Yes. Not telling your wife something this important is a jerk move no matter what.
If this is real, he'll tell her the truth when he finds out how much fertility treatments cost.
This is stupid. I think it's made up because of course he's the a$$hole.
Someone please tell me this is fake because that POS does not deserve a loving wife wanting to bear his children! He needs to tell her so she can leave him and find someone honest. Also did anyone catch that he says he got the vasectomy AFTER his youngest yet says he has 3 kids? What's up with that?
Um, I haven't been awake long so bit muzzy-headed still, but surely the vasectomy would have to come after his youngest. If it came after his eldest the youngest two wouldn't exist....
Load More Replies...I’m skeptical about this and think it’s definitely a troll. Wouldn’t the wife have attended at least one Doctor’s visit with him and his medical history would have been mentioned? If it’s true though, that is pure evil 😞 my heart goes out to his poor wife but the fact she didn’t ask once why he doesn’t ever need to use protection with her would have surely raised some red flags to her? Ugh men like this are the reason women like me stay single - to avoid this cruel bs. Society holds women responsible for everything that ever goes wrong with them so this poor woman has probably been doing pregnancy hormone shots or fertility treatments spending thousands to discover that it was never her all along 😔 so sad and so cruel. Ugh men are so evil 😞 hence why I’ve been single by choice since 2010. There’s a special place in hell for creeps like this. Women only have a small window of opportunity of becoming pregnant and this evil creep is wasting her best years 😞 he’s destroying her soul
A "little" dishonest??? There are no words for what he's doing, if I were the ex wife I would tell the new wife NOW if the OP doesn't. If I were the new wife, I would divorce him ASAP!
Vasectomies are reversible a*****e! If you really wanted to have a baby with her, you could've had it reversed. Douchebag!
I have a couple of issues with the story, if only because I have been struggling with infertility. Have they not been to a gynecologist? Trying for two years would suggest a yes to this question. And typically the first step is testing - not just the woman, but also the man. Wouldn't the fact that your tubes are tied be pretty obvious to a doc? Your sperm count would be non-existent. Also - a vasectomy is reversible. If this guy actually loved his wife, why doesn't he get it reversed..?
I want to find an example of a woman not telling her husband about having her tubes tied and see how people react to that for comparison.
Not the ahole. Women commit paternity fraud all the time and think it's okay to pass the child off as the "Dad's" knowing it isn't his without batting an eye. Granted though I think you should sit down, and have a talk with her. You need to discuss a few things with her. Like whether you still want kids or not, about your procedure and if there is any chance of wanting more kids. Honestly if you don't want kids, and she does and that's a deal breaker for both of you, seperate, and divorce. You don't want her getting pregnant while your still married and have it not be your child, or for that matter you might have to seperate because you simply don't want anymore children and that's something she isn't okay with. Women use men all the time and even label them under as different types of food these days for the free meal they want...I know sickening. Don't feel bad for getting your way regarding bedroom fun, feel bad for getting married a second time, and not being a bit more honest.
He could 'own' it and say he'd look into having it reversed. I know a couple who after 4 children and a vasectomy, decided to have that done. Went on to have 3 more ( a set of twins were involved). so 2 pregnancies. It can be a family in their future, or have a donor help. She gets a bio baby(s), so not all is doomed.
Or she can leave him because he's a selfish liar and go find a better man to be the father of her children.
Load More Replies...Huh. It's not about him not wanting more kids (that's fine), it's about him lying to his wife about not being able to while actively "trying". That is something he should have said before marriage so she would have a choice to find someone else and not commit to this guy (having kids/not having kids is a major life decision and should be for every person to decide). And yes, I think most people regardless of gender tell their partners if they don't want kids. They don't "actively try" while being knowingly sterile or on birth control. That is shitty.
Load More Replies...I married a guy who's half-Catholic and half-Jewish. Did we use birth control for nothing??? 🤔😞😢😭
Load More Replies...Wow. A whole new level of cruelty. I can't put in words how angry this makes me.
Agreed. I think one of the proper responses to his actions would be to separate the organs(all external parts) but using a dull hedge trimmer.
Load More Replies...Plot twist - she does get pregnant (you know, miraculously because God willed it, /s). And then the YTA husband can't say anything to protect the lie.
I read of something like this years ago: husband had a vasectomy, found wife's diaphragm, poked holes in a blind rage. Soon after, wife was thrilled by the "miracle" pregnancy and husband was wondering if he should 'fess up.
Load More Replies...This isn't "a little dishonest" this is a relationship-ending betrayal. The first time she talked about wanting kids with OP, he needed to say "I've had a vasectomy, I don't want another baby". To let her 'try' for a child is unbelievably cruel.
He should have told her about the vasectomy well before getting engaged, let alone married!
Load More Replies...It's very good grouds to get the marriage annulled.. They are in it for totally different reasons and he is messing with her mental health... Imagine how she feels thinking that she is the "faulty" one who can't have the baby she want.. Decisions like that have to be made before getting married. If one spouse wants a child and other don't - it's not going to work. And he is just a little peace of panda poo lying to her about something that important.. It's worse than cheating...
You can get a no fault divorce. Why is getting the marriage annulled even necessary?
Load More Replies...Thank you for potentially killing your wife with unneeded medications. If she was taking birth control pills you subjected her to a higher potential for blood clot, stroke, and heart attack. Thanks for her weight gain. Just a swell guy.
I was strung along for 4 years by a man who told me he wanted kids, eventually said "not with you though", and then didn't understand why I broke up with him. Four healthy fertile years of my life that I could have spent with someone who wanted to have them with me. It is unbelievably cruel to do this to someone. This poor woman probably thinks there's is something medically wrong with her body.
You're the reason people shouldn't get married. Honesty is a keystone to any good relationship. Why hurt someone you love? Because you're a self centered, single minded human being.
You pretend you care about breaking her heart by telling her, but her heart gets broken every single month when she’s hoping for a pregnancy and she starts her period. You don’t care a bit about her heart.
If this story is true I completely agree with your response and feel so awful for the wife. Women get burdened with enough stress in life and when she finds out she will be so destroyed beyond repair 😞 this is almost as bad as domestic abuse because how can the wife ever trust a man again 😞 so heartbreaking. Ugh this is why I’m single by choice - to avoid men like this
Load More Replies...I feel like this post wasn't actually written by the husband. Like maybe it was written by the ex-wife posing as the husband to get people's reactions so she could show it to him. I don't know but it just doesn't feel genuine.
I don’t even believe it at all. Surely the wife would have been curious as to why he was so confident that they didn’t have to use any form of birth control when they first met. Plus the wife would have surely attended at least one medical appointment with him - spouses are allowed to know about medical history, for example if he had an STD then she would have every right to know so this is no different.
Load More Replies...Willing to bet money he's letting her think she has fertility problems
Ugh men who do that have a special place in hell reserved for them 😔 ugh this is why I’m single by choice!!! Ugh men like this make my skin crawl.
Load More Replies...Things like plans about children should be decided before you commit to a serious relationship. To be honest to your partner about such things is an absolute must. The only silver lining here is that his wife didn't get pregnant because having a baby with such a prick would be miserable.
He has conned her into a marriage contract under false pretences. She should divorce him immediately.
This is a VREY important thing to discuss before even going into a long term relationship, along with family goals for the future. He is a HUGE a*****e for not mentioning it at the start of their relationship. How is he even questioning this?!
Unbelievable. That he even dares to ask if he's an 'a*hole'. He is much more than that.
Wow! I almost can't believe this is real. Of course he has the right to decide whether he is a father again and the autonomy over his own body to become sterilised but if you want to share the rest of your life with someone then you should share how you feel too. I can understand if it's the VERY early days of a relationship but it obviously isn't when you're already married. Hopefully his wife gets to find out and dump him, not for being infertile - for being a liar to the extent that he 'tried' for a baby..
That's really, really cruel. Also a big thing to discuss BEFORE getting married. You gave all the right in the world to choose to not have children/more children but make sure your partner is on the same page BEFORE marriage. Or at least tell them you can't have more children biologically. And to not tell her while actively "trying"... she probably track her cycle and make sure to have sex on fertile days etc and then wait two weeks and have to take a negative pregnancy test... again (that's quite stressful). You put her through all that rather than telling her the truth? Shame on you.
Of course he's the a*****e and at this rate that poor woman is going to be led to believe something is wrong with her that means she is struggling to conceive. Like Jesus christ how has it been this long and why the f**k are you playing along. A vasectomy can be reversed it's a pain but I pretty sure it can be done
It can be done and it's a simple procedure. However, he can't if he wants to keep the lie going.
Load More Replies...Vascetomy reversal surgery is 95% effective. It's not like you didn't have options.
Hang on a minute, aren't vasectomies reversible? I mean yes he's OBVIOUSLY a major a*****e and needs to get his s**t together, but if he's actively wanting to continue this marriage and is "trying".... if he wants his marriage to work, he could get a reversal and work through this with his wife. Unless he genuinely does not ever under any circumstances want any more kids ever, in which case, if you can't tell her about the vasectomy even, tell her you just don't feel that you want more kids and that she deserves better. Because she does. Bloody hell. You know there is some other guy out there as well totally in love with her who is gutted she married this turd and would love to have a family with her. Screw you, jerk.
30% of vasectomies can't be reversed. That number gets higher the longer it has been since the vasectomy happened.
Load More Replies...Depending on where the poster lives if this is in the US some states would consider this fraud. The marriage could be annulled.
How is that any different from just having a no fault divorce?
Load More Replies...Yeah. My ex was like that. He lied because "he didn't want to hurt me" aka he didn't want to face the discomfort of his own actions that he clearly knew was wrong. When I eventually found out we had thousands on credit card debt I wasn't hurt. I was broken. If this guy really doesn't care more about his wife he should really be screened for severe mental issues, like sociopathy
That seems really dishonest and down right creepy. If you love someone why give them hope, where there is none. Making a decision that affects both of you without consulting her, is controlling just selfish. How would you like it if she did that to you instead of being honest?
My God man, what is wrong with you??? Your wife now has the right to Open your marriage so she can get pregnant with someone else. I'm not talking about artificial insemination either. I hope you have to watch her try to get pregnant over and over again with someone. That is, if she wants to keep you around at all. After all that lying you better offer her the option to get pregnant with someone else.
Vasectomies are reversible, but it's too late now. You should have been honest in the first place.
30% of vasectomies can't be reversed. That number increases the longer it has been since the vasectomy.
Load More Replies...Yea, you're a jerk. When my now husband and I started dating we were in the same situation. I'm 10 years younger than he is and he had had a vasectomy several years earlier. The difference? He explained the situation to me very early on the relationship. He gave me time to think over. I did and we've been happily married for 52 years. Had he not told me early on, we would have divorced long ago.
If he’s been “trying”, he just wants seggs with her, and is betraying her to get it. Disgusting. Omg.
YTA BIG TIME!!! When even the EX-WIFE is calling you out about stringing your current wife along about "trying" for a baby when you KNOW you damn well can't father one, that's when you and your wife have to have one of those VERY hard discussions!! It's only a matter of time before she suggests seeing a fertility doctor to see what's going on, and that's when the truth will come out because the doctor will ask BOTH of you about ANY possible issues that may be preventing the wife from getting pregnant! Better to tell the truth NOW before someone else does!! But DON'T be shocked if she doesn't take it well (she won't)!!
Is not vasectomy something you can "undo"? I think I once read you can go back on surgery to "reconnect" your things. But still, this man is cruel.
There is only a 70% chance that a vasectomy will be able to be reversed and the chances get lower the longer it has been since the vasectomy was done.
Load More Replies...This guy is creepy and pathologically cowardly. The fact that he continues to lie and had to be called out by his ex wife shows what a self absorbed sociopath he is.
This is truly cruel to do to someone that you supposedly love. Absolutely reprehensible. You should have told her long before now, as in when you first started dating, because children are compatibility 101 when it comes to whether you have a future together. Not only an a*****e, but clearly a sadist because you are intentionally putting her through ridiculous amounts of pain. If you truly don’t want more children, then tell her. If you do want a child with her, reverse your f*****g vasectomy and STILL man the f**k up to your wife whom you’ve deceived for at LEAST two years (we don’t know how long you’ve been dating)
30% of vasectomies can't be reversed. That number increases the longer it has been since the vasectomy.
Load More Replies...I mean, unless he got snipped, vasectomies are reversible and easy to do last I checked. Part of their appeal. That said though, major f****n AH here. The simple fact that he thought it was ok to lie about this long enough to get married is HORRID. This is, as mentioned above, one of the BASIC compatibility tests that should be brought out by date 3 at least. Major major AH here
30% of vasectomies can't be reversed. That number increases the longer its been since the vasectomy.
Load More Replies...Gross. Men like this are just gross. This has to be a troll. If this guy is real I hope she divorces him.
But if he offered to do it at this point would his wife still divorce him for the lie in the first place. I would.
Load More Replies...YTA. I suspect he married her so he’d have someone to look after the kids he already has when they are with him.
This is terrible. It’s even worse if she doesn’t have any children of her own already and clearly wants one. I feel like OP knows she’ll leave him if she knows the truth. Vasectomies are reversible so I suggest getting it reversed ASAP.
Of course he is an a*****e. Hes a creep. His wife is being psycholigically tortured.
C'mon, the truth is going to break her heart!! 💔 It's better to lie, talk about your future babies and let the wife have small heartbreaks every time her periods come and another months hope of a baby dies. He had 2 years to tell her that he can never give her the baby she want. So why make her sad? Just pretent for as long as you can and act surprised at the IVF when that day comes. No worries, he is the MEGA A*****E and don't even get it. 😡🤬
The only good thing you can say about this one is that at least it's not the other way around and tricking a person into getting pregnant when they think they can't.
Honestly, its just as bad. You are deceiving someone into life altering/shattering consequences. If she knows he has kids she now thinks SHE is the reason for their lack of pregnancy, which can lead to serious psychological issues of self worth and even self hate. No to mention if he is using the excuse of "trying" to get more s*x thats dangerous close to abuse. This is Honestly sickening.
Load More Replies...Totally 100% AH. There are certain things you absolutely must discuss even before your relationship becomes serious and your fertility status is NUMBER ONE as that can easily be a dealbreaker for some people. Others are any sexually transmissible diseases, hereditary genetic disorders, and diseases including a family history of mental health issues, debt issues, and any criminal convictions. Why can't he get that vasectomy reversed?
She's having sex with him under false pretences every time they "try" to get pregnant. Creepy and sick on his part. If she knew the truth, she most likely wouldn't be as they likely wouldn't've married (be together). He's such a major gaping a*****e and it gets worse everyday he doesn't tell her.
If this story is true I would love to see his face if the ex wife is dropping the kids off and the current wife decides that is the perfect moment to say with everyone there "I have some big news - I am pregnant too!"
Hope OP's wife divorces him + gets a nice settlement for "Mental Cruelty." (Only available in some places, unfortunately.)
Poor gal. I get so mad and blame myself for being infertile due to PCOS and I know she's blaming herself for her husband's selfish decisions.
How is that any different from just getting a no fault divorce?
Load More Replies...Holy cow, that dude is a world class AH. Grade AAA. I do not want kids. Never wanted them as a child and will be 40 this year; STILL ridiculously pleased I'm not a mother. Everyone I dated knows this. In fact, I say it upfront, before they'd even get to know my full, non-Anglicized name. It's cut off so, so, SO many people I'd otherwise waste my time with. And I don't inadvertently waste their's either. As actual adults communication is so important.
Interesting that this reddit post was made 2 years ago! But of course YTA, he could easily get it reversed -- and had the chance for 2 years -- if he really felt that bad...
Up to 30% of vasectomies can't be reversed. That number increases the longer it has been since the vasectomy.
Load More Replies...Hell yeah he's the a** hole. What is wrong with this guy??? Like seriously he's been "trying" with her??? No you've been messing with her mind making her think maybe something is wrong with her and that's why she's not getting pregnant. When in reality you've made it nearly impossible for her to get pregnant. Thats just wrong and this guy needs a serious reality check
I don't know what the oath is exactly in other countries, but where I live it includes things like to lobe and to cherish, in health or disease and also that they both are aware of each other's medical state. Therefore such a lie would be a more than valid reason for a divorce. He is TA, without question.
Yes you are TA, you are the KING A. You are TA that ate Hong Kong and destroyed Godzilla. You don't deserve to be married to anyone.
Get it reversed, NOW. You are one sick puppy to do this to her. I'm hoping this is a fake letter. If I were your ex, I would have spoken up right then and there "But he's had a vasectomy, did he have it reversed?" But I can be mean that way when a man is cruel first.
Not every vasectomy can be reversed. That's the risk you take when you get one.
Load More Replies...For two years this woman has blamed herself for not getting pregnant~~he's had several, so *obviously* it's not HIM, which is the rational thought if the other party isn't lying to his wife. I guarantee this has been weighing upon her. Women have been saddled with taking the blame for many marriage foibles over the centuries~~now this jackh**e is letting her take the blame! If she's smart, she'll divorce his fugly a**e and find a real man. He's too late to reverse his vasectomy without her finding out.
The only real remedy is to have the operation reversed which is common and typically effective. Still the lack of honesty on important matters does not bode well for this marriage.
This forum will not let me use the words I want to use to describe just what kind of scumbag you are.....
This is consider marriage fraud by the courts she can still (after all this time we'll if she found out and filed two years) have this marriage annulled. It won't even count for her. I hope she did find out.
How is that different from just getting a no fault divorce?
Load More Replies...This can't be real. You don't want to break her heart by telling her the truth, but how does this end? She is going to find out, because you only try naturally for so long before you start getting doctors involved to check both parties to see where the problem lies. When she does find out, her reaction will be a thousand times worse than if you had told her up front. You could have broken up amicably, but instead you take years of her limited time to have kids away from her. As it is, things could get violent when she finds out and you'd completely deserve it.
I hope she leaves him and finds someone better. What he is doing (accidental or not) is abuse.
He's a very cruel man who is toying with an emotional woman's feelings. When she finds out, she will divorce him and he WILL deserve it.
Yah something that should have been said years ago, prior to marriage. On that note in my area instead of reversing vasectomies its now common to just get sperm extracted and go through insemination.
I hope she divorces and sues the f**k out of him and she can! Yes she can. The least he can do is pay for IVF
Yep definitely the AH in this but I’m pretty sure vasectomies are reversible so maybe instead of being a sociopath about this and lying you should do the opposite and tell the truth and rectify the situation. The fact your asking if your the AH leaves some serious concerns about your moral compass. Mostly that you even have to ask, this is kinda a given.
Yes. Not telling your wife something this important is a jerk move no matter what.
If this is real, he'll tell her the truth when he finds out how much fertility treatments cost.
This is stupid. I think it's made up because of course he's the a$$hole.
Someone please tell me this is fake because that POS does not deserve a loving wife wanting to bear his children! He needs to tell her so she can leave him and find someone honest. Also did anyone catch that he says he got the vasectomy AFTER his youngest yet says he has 3 kids? What's up with that?
Um, I haven't been awake long so bit muzzy-headed still, but surely the vasectomy would have to come after his youngest. If it came after his eldest the youngest two wouldn't exist....
Load More Replies...I’m skeptical about this and think it’s definitely a troll. Wouldn’t the wife have attended at least one Doctor’s visit with him and his medical history would have been mentioned? If it’s true though, that is pure evil 😞 my heart goes out to his poor wife but the fact she didn’t ask once why he doesn’t ever need to use protection with her would have surely raised some red flags to her? Ugh men like this are the reason women like me stay single - to avoid this cruel bs. Society holds women responsible for everything that ever goes wrong with them so this poor woman has probably been doing pregnancy hormone shots or fertility treatments spending thousands to discover that it was never her all along 😔 so sad and so cruel. Ugh men are so evil 😞 hence why I’ve been single by choice since 2010. There’s a special place in hell for creeps like this. Women only have a small window of opportunity of becoming pregnant and this evil creep is wasting her best years 😞 he’s destroying her soul
A "little" dishonest??? There are no words for what he's doing, if I were the ex wife I would tell the new wife NOW if the OP doesn't. If I were the new wife, I would divorce him ASAP!
Vasectomies are reversible a*****e! If you really wanted to have a baby with her, you could've had it reversed. Douchebag!
I have a couple of issues with the story, if only because I have been struggling with infertility. Have they not been to a gynecologist? Trying for two years would suggest a yes to this question. And typically the first step is testing - not just the woman, but also the man. Wouldn't the fact that your tubes are tied be pretty obvious to a doc? Your sperm count would be non-existent. Also - a vasectomy is reversible. If this guy actually loved his wife, why doesn't he get it reversed..?
I want to find an example of a woman not telling her husband about having her tubes tied and see how people react to that for comparison.
Not the ahole. Women commit paternity fraud all the time and think it's okay to pass the child off as the "Dad's" knowing it isn't his without batting an eye. Granted though I think you should sit down, and have a talk with her. You need to discuss a few things with her. Like whether you still want kids or not, about your procedure and if there is any chance of wanting more kids. Honestly if you don't want kids, and she does and that's a deal breaker for both of you, seperate, and divorce. You don't want her getting pregnant while your still married and have it not be your child, or for that matter you might have to seperate because you simply don't want anymore children and that's something she isn't okay with. Women use men all the time and even label them under as different types of food these days for the free meal they want...I know sickening. Don't feel bad for getting your way regarding bedroom fun, feel bad for getting married a second time, and not being a bit more honest.
He could 'own' it and say he'd look into having it reversed. I know a couple who after 4 children and a vasectomy, decided to have that done. Went on to have 3 more ( a set of twins were involved). so 2 pregnancies. It can be a family in their future, or have a donor help. She gets a bio baby(s), so not all is doomed.
Or she can leave him because he's a selfish liar and go find a better man to be the father of her children.
Load More Replies...Huh. It's not about him not wanting more kids (that's fine), it's about him lying to his wife about not being able to while actively "trying". That is something he should have said before marriage so she would have a choice to find someone else and not commit to this guy (having kids/not having kids is a major life decision and should be for every person to decide). And yes, I think most people regardless of gender tell their partners if they don't want kids. They don't "actively try" while being knowingly sterile or on birth control. That is shitty.
Load More Replies...I married a guy who's half-Catholic and half-Jewish. Did we use birth control for nothing??? 🤔😞😢😭
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