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Men Share Their “Toxic Masculinity” Stories After This Guy Shares A Story Of How His Dad Was Told It’s Rude To Cry At Funerals
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People, Social Issues2 years ago

Men Share Their “Toxic Masculinity” Stories After This Guy Shares A Story Of How His Dad Was Told It’s Rude To Cry At Funerals

Most people would probably agree that there’s a fine line between what’s appropriate to say and what isn’t. However, Reddit has some stories about people blurting out things that sometimes can be beyond our comprehension. For example, the crown jewel of today is this woman who apparently told her stepson that it’s inappropriate to cry at funerals and picked literally the worst timing to say “man up.” Luckily, he had a jaw-dropping comeback.

Someone on Reddit shared how their dad was told off from crying by his step-mom

It’s probably just something of human nature to sometimes wonder whether we’re enough. Pretty or handsome enough, smart enough, funny enough—you name it. But it’s one thing to question yourself and a completely different thing when someone else implies that you’re lacking something.

Only to her regret, since she received a major clap-back

Image credits: Umbrella Shot (not the actual photo)

Others seized the opportunity and jumped in with similar stories of their own

It seems that some people find it particularly hard to draw lines regarding what’s appropriate to say when it comes to gender norms. Award-winning author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie said: “By far the worst thing we do to males—by making them feel they have to be hard—is that we leave them with very fragile egos.”

And followed the theme of the saying “man up” being used in the worst ways possible

Image credits: astrid westvang (not the actual photo)

Turns out, some actually did “man up” but it didn’t bring much good

Only this time, it’s not the male ego that’s in question. Turns out, Redditor Vengenbuurg’s dad was once in a situation where his own stepmom told him to “man up” just because he was having a seemingly normal reaction to his beloved grandma dying.

Demonstrating toughness in a difficult situation didn’t help and caused permanent damage

Image credits: Rita Kravchuk (not the actual photo)

Some people expressed that masculinity is a weird thing to begin with

She seemed to believe that suppressing emotions and masking distress is what defines a person as masculine. Maintaining an appearance of hardness is often believed to be a masculine trait as well.

Thus, acting or looking tough doesn’t have much to do with actually being masculine

Image credits: veggiefrog (not the actual photo)

However, not being able to express emotions openly can turn out to be really damaging. Another Reddit user shared that he did “man up” at his dad’s funeral but had to fight depression for 4 years as a result and has struggled with expressing emotions ever since.

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elfin
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agree. I also think that women in our culture should not be taught to be or act weak or to feel that they are responsible for making everyone around them happy. In other words, let people be the best version of who they are and stop labeling them.

WilvanderHeijden
Community Member
2 years ago (edited)

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

I actually love this. The story is about men litterally going through hell because society doesn't allow them to show their feelings and you step over it lightheartedly advocating how women should be educated. Thanks. When I posted this comment I knew it would get downvotes. In a topic about women getting abuse d I posted a comment that men also get abused and immediately I was called a misogynist that shouldn't highjack such an important topic . Double standards are really an issue here on BP

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Leigh C.
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Even women get looks and told to just go away and compose ourselves when upset. It's like people don't know how to respond or deal with someone's emotional moment so they want to them to go away. I find it attractive when a man can express himself to me and show they have a heart and care.

Helen Haley
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I wish we were taught when we were kids (everyone) not only ways to express emotions, AND how to handle it when others show their emotions so that everyone isn't uncomfortable showing or being shown emotions. We take PE in school, but never address mental health. Seems lopsided.

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Lorrie Finley
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. This is a very timely post. For those men having difficulty still from having had to suppress emotions in the past, I would like to suggest checking your insurance company provider list for Psychologists who do EMDR. (State funded ins have them too). Although originally developed for severe PTSD, it has been for highly effective for PTSD from less traumatic situations but that leave as deep a scar. Plus talk therapy is also really helpful to face the past hurts once and for all and leave them there.

Gillbella
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I did EMDR as a treatment for PTSD and PND- it was so hard. I would finish a session then sleep 16 hours, but it did work. I managed to unjumble all the thoughts and emotions that were tangled up on my head.

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martin734
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

In the UK suicide is the biggest cause of death for men under 45 and 75% of suicides are male. I can't help thinking that if these same figures applied to women much more would be done about it. Society still places huge pressures on men to be strong and tough, to show no weakness. Traits that are seen as strengths as women are far too often seen as weaknesses in men. This has led, and still leads to big problems in the whole of society. So-called toxic masculinity is a symptom of this. Men have been told for generations that they should act in a certain way, yet when they do they are told that this behaviour is harmful. Far too many men are told that to show emotion is weak, so when they are placed in situations that are emotionally challenging they don't know how to cope, when they are unable to cope with something they too often become afraid and angry and this fear and anger often leads to violence either to themselves or others.

Pensive
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not necessarily - if you look at the medical conditions that affect predominantly women (Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Chronic Lyme), you'll see doctors arguing for decades that they're all forms of hysteria with no physical basis, simply because the majority of sufferers are female, and research funding being denied with the same reasoning. If the suicide rate for women were as high as it is for men, I suspect it'd be the same thing: 'There's nothing really wrong with them. They're just overreacting because that's what women do.'

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Ms.GB
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think that being able to express your emotions without being self conscious is a hard thing to do...it shows much stronger character to be able to show those emotions instead of bottling them up because..."Someone might think I'm weak".

Daria B
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Really good and important point. However, for me it's more about the feeling of being exposed, as in naked. Plus, people stop taking you seriously after a few times, seeing you as immature or spoilt. Unless they genuinely love you (which is usually, but not always, family and friends).

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earringnut
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

People are social creatures. Whether you believe it's by design or evolution, we need to share our emotions with others. It's the way we are all made.

Leopoldo Pisanello
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think it takes much more "balls" to cry in front of other people instead of just "man up" and bottle everything down the hatch only to have huge problems later in life.

Jaybird3939
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My brother and I lost our parents at an early age (I was 15, he was 18). Instead of letting him express his emotions, his best friend stuck a beer bottle in his hand. I don't know how many times he drove drunk, but I think his Guardian Angel was pretty exhausted by the time he toned it down.

Helen Haley
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My sister was 15 and I was 18 when we lost our mom. I didn't drink, because I didn't like the taste, but I did make a series of stupid choices. I know how losing a parent at young ages can mess with a person. I'm sorry for your loss.

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Elaine Dodge
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's rude to cry at funerals? What? Oh, lady, you are so wrong...about so many things. I'm pretty sure your step-son won't be the only one 'being polite' at your funeral.

Barbara Vandewalle
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The last posting "expecting a man to stiff upper lip' is one of the reasons why PTSD is so prevalent. Not being allowed to grieve, keeping everything bottled up is guaranteed to lead to mental problems.

KombatBunni
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My Dad apologised to me the other day for getting upset because his idiot son hadn't spoken to him in a long time. I immediately told him that no, he wasn't being a sook, he was dealing with how he was feeling and there's no shame whatsoever in being upset. I also said that if he pulled that crap with me again or around Mum we'd both tell him off. Never be ashamed of how you feel, doesn't matter if you're a guy, a girl or anything in between. Bottled up emotions can be like poison so it's good to let them out sometimes..as for it being rude to cry at funerals? What bullshit..I cried like a baby at both my grandparents' funerals and nobody told me it was rude..

Nicky OldfieldDesciple
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

From when I was a teenager onwards my dad treated me like shit. To the outside world he made it look like he was a kind and benevolent father buying me all sorts of stuff most of which I didn't want but behind closed doors he sexually and psychologically abused me. He told me not to bother telling anyone as no one would believe me. To the outside world he was everybody's best friend and the life and soul of the party but to me he was a horrible bully who got off on being cruel. One day he said to me "look at all I have. A nice home lots of friends and a good job. I bet you're jealous because I have what you will never have." I just replied "the only thing that you have that I wish I had you a a dead father. ". He beat the living crap out of me for that one t it was totally worth it. I didn't cry at his funeral either. In fact the day he died was the best day of my life.

Lucas
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Really sorry for everything that you went through.

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Animal lover❤
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Men are told to man up and Boyle their feelings. Apparently expressing any emotion is non-manly. This is wrong, everyone should be able to share their feelings comfortably. So many boys and men have mental health issues because they feel they can't express their feelings. It's ok to cry, ots ok to feel things. Everyone needs to know that.

Terry Sanders
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nothing is less manly than being worried about others opinions on your 'manhood'.

Gillbella
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Dear Men (or any repressed gender), If you cry that's fine by us. You are allowed to feel your emotions. Lots of Love, the Rest of Us. P.S we love you x

Weishaar Jamie
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And I believe this kind of attitude leads to bad and often abusive relationships, homophobia, misogyny and violence

Celeste Grant
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My partner lady his first wife 15 years ago. He made sure their children got all the support they needed, but he felt he had to "man up" and get on with running the family. I realised early into our relationship that he had never worked through his grief, so encouraged him to get therapy. He is now in a much better place. I hate that he went through so many years suppressing his feelings because it wasn't "manly". I think it takes balls to face your emotions, and work through them.

Carol Lewis
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My husband is a "boomer" and has taught his son it's ok to cry. That there is a reason we have the ability to cry, it's natural and healthy. I'm tired of boomer crap. Not everyone is the same no matter what age. It's demeaning and disrespectful. I was raised by parents who were born in 1910 and 12. My father never said "you cant do that because you are a girl." He taught my how to change a tire, and other boy stuff. They had 4 girls and 1 son. Stereotypes suck.

deanna woods
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I hate that people keep classifying all people of one generation as the same. Both my parents are Boomers and they have no problem expressing their emotions.

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Fulsome Kitten
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Women can be just as bad with other women sadly. When my father and my pet died back-to-back, it hit me hard. I kept it together at work s best as I could but kept making small mistakes (like grammar in an email...small shit) because I was depressed and preoccupied. After about a month, my female supervisor pulled me aside and said that she had been very patient with me thus far but I really needed to get it together. She very much embodied the expectation in Detroit that everyone (women and men) need to be "strong" and not get emotional about shit like, ya know, people dying.

Beatrice Multhaupt
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

People, I think we have problems dealing with death, and , yes, there's also toxic masculinity. My grandmother did more for me than either of my parents, but she spent her adult years in Nazi Germany and firmly instructed me that it's NEVER ok to cry. I'm female, by the way. So then she died...the day I graduated from university. The therapist I consulted said I was making this up but that I would ''be given a second chance when I was ready to talk about the 'real' issues''. This was in 1977; therapy might have improved since then, but I'm in no mood to try to find out.

Viviane
Community Member
2 years ago

This comment has been deleted.

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Seabeast
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes, this is why the male suicide death rate is higher.

Astrid Nineor
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes and no. Most suicide ATTEMPTS are by women. The men are just more, eh, extreme (they choose actual lethal methods)

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CatWoman312
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The only people who should be told to man up is a tantrum having toddler having a meltdown because their chicken nuggets aren’t dinosaur shaped.

WilvanderHeijden
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I actually love the comment of Elfin. The story is about men litterally going through hell because society doesn't allow them to show their feelings and she steps over it lightheartedly advocating how women should be educated. Ending the comment with: "Let people be the best version of who they are and stop labeling them." is hardly an acknowledgement of the specific troubles and problems that men have. I post this comment knowing that it will get downvotes. In a topic about women getting abused I posted a comment that men also get abused and immediately I was called a misogynist that shouldn't try to highjack such an important topic . Double standards are really an issue here on BP.

FBI OPEN UP
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

the insensitivity. this is disappointing

Sasy
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is one of the reasons why boys suffer in silence and the Men they become go on suffering. In situations that need Male voices to stand up against wrongdoings they often cannot get those voices. Compensation to victims of attrocities goes unpaid because Men will not come forward to claim or admit to the horrible things done to them, because it would not be manly to do so. That is a very sad truth, and leads to a lot of hurt to everyone involved. In older countries, drinking especially becomes self medication until death, and their abusers get to often go on abusing.

Leo Domitrix
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I am female, hetero, etc. My dad snarled "MAN UP!" allllll the time. He also drank too much, smoked a lot, hit his kids, etc., so.... I prefer to "person up", thanks.

Up All Night
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When parents say "man up" to a kid, it really means "I don't care about your problems and I have no time for you".

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cybermerlin2000
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Im OK with knowing about my depression. Since the lockdown, which started on my 49th birthday, I have spent around 30 minutes in the bathroom quietly crying before anyone gets up. My fiancee and my daughter know about it and they give me that time to sort myself out. They give me cuddles afterwards and make sure I'm ok

Gillbella
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I am glad you have people who care about you and are looking after you x

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Stella
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Great article, not a fan of the comments! Why does every topic like this become a men vs women discussion? That completely bypasses the issue. We don't have to pay less attention to women being sexually harassed to pay more attention to men's emotions being expressed, or other such issues. All of them stem from the same fundamental problematic thinking pattern in which stereotypically feminine behavior = emotional and irrational = weak, and stereotypically masculine behavior = stone cold logic = strong. Both always being seen as weak and always being seen as strong is toxic

pusheen buttercup
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agree toxic masculinity can be destructive; that in mind I feel we should give older generations a little benefit of the doubt sometimes. Of course it depends on the situation, but some don't mean what we think they mean. Others simply don't know any better and are acting how we'd act if we were raised that way. Let's all try to politely tolerate one another. :)

deanna woods
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My father is a big strong man who at the same time is like a giant teddy bear. All his jobs were what would be deemed "manly " , but he didn't let that be his whole identity. He made our lunches for school, cooked our breakfast, cooked some of our dinners, and sewed our clothes when they had holes in them and I don't think any of that made him less manly. Not only that, he allowed my sister and I to see his emotions. He wasn't trying to prove that he was a man by being tough because he had already proved it by taking care of his children. Telling someone to "man up" is the same as telling them to act like a robot. Humans(men and women alike) have emotions and should be allowed to express them without being questioned or looked at funny.

Camil Gagnon
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Even knowing it's healthy to be authentic and vulnerable, there's a lot of social pressure to conform and "man-up". Eventually, it becomes very hard to act spontaneously, connect with yourself or care about anything other than being powerful, successful and invulnerable. This is very hard on relationships, as It's very difficult to love anybody who can't show who they really are.

Grumble O'Pug
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's pretty sad. In fact it's why so many men are triggered by feminism. They forget that equality frees them up.

arjelio mas
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"...because he has a dick between his pants."

Amy Pontious
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Some people are just messed up!!

Rose
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This definitely isn't as bad but I used to have a friend and we argued all the time. One of the last times we argued they said to me that I always walk away from arguments and need to man up. I'm not even a man and they said that. I also told them that if I didn't walk away I would say something I regret and that I walk away because I didn't want to argue. That shut them up really quickly.

Bastette Cat
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Are we allowed to edit our comments? I can't find an edit button anywhere. The following two comments (from me) are backwards because I had already run out of the allotted number of characters for a comment, so I finished it in the next comment, but now it's showing in the reverse order. So when you read the following comment, it might be confusing, but just start with the one after that to see the beginning.

Bastette Cat
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

that she had to bottle it up or stay home. This usually happens to boys, but her parents were pretty uptight people.

Bastette Cat
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Stifling gender roles aside (briefly), I would just like to ask, WHO IN THE WORLD came up with the idea that it's rude to cry at a funeral?? What? That is so twisted. Years ago I had a friend who told me that when she was 13, her 6-year-old cousin died of leukemia. She was devastated by it, and could barely stop crying about it. On the day of his funeral, her parents told her sternly that if she couldn't stop crying, she wouldn't be allowed to come with them. I have a tendency to go kind of cold at funerals and not feel much of anything. I understand now that this is just my reaction to death, but I used to feel terrible showing my dry-eyed face to the others at the funeral, because I believed it exposed what an unfeeling jerk I was. (I'm a woman, btw, so this isn't about toxic masculinity.) Now I understand that this is the way my feelings about death tend to manifest. So the very idea that someone who had a more common (and some would say appropriate) response to grief was told...

Kim Lorton
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If I ever hear a woman telling her son, husband or any male being, to " man up", I will verbally slap her in to next week, and possibly in to next year! That makes me more angry than someone calling a woman a " c**t. Or little lady or some other word to demean her.

Christine M Quigley
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I feel that society has to take the blame for encouraging toxic masculinity. My Marine ex was tough on my son when he would cry. I would encourage my son to express his feelings and not be ashamed of them. Men are judged so harshly anymore. We just need to be kinder to everyone in general, especially with the current situation.

Caroline Driver
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What gets me is that, toxic masculinity teaches boys that it's weak to cry, to feel, to talk about emotions because that's what women do, and why would a boy want to be like a woman? Like that's the worst insult in the world. Until this kind of thinking is booted out the dinosaur door, toxic masculinity will still have a foothold

Nicole Blomkamp
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Man up should be a term that is banned by the English vocabulary.

peruchipac
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This whole article shows how fucked up we are for trying to control lo of our feelings and trying to "man up"

KandiePrine
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a man, these "men" are for feminists.

fuggnuggins
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Why does this author not provide examples that contradict this highly politicised issue, which would at least show the exception that process the rule, if not offer a balanced discussion. This "all-or-nothing" approach only shows demonstrating and single-mindedness, and only serves to throw the baby out with the bathwater. It starts out by demonstrating some extremes, then goes on to to equate any degree with the extreme. It's just simply disingenuous, and in-your-face delusionsl. I don't think most people even need it to be said. Most people. But on Bored Pansy...

Steve Cruz
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The entire MYTH of "masculinity" is based on "what others will think." It's for people who are too weak to be and express what they really feel the way they want. The documentary "THE MASK YOU LIVE IN" does an amazing job explaining where it comes from and the damage the MASCULINITY MYTH does to boys and men. "Masculinity" is at the root of misogyny, homophobia and aggressive, violent behavior.

Jane Alexander
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I know men have it rougher, having to 'be men' and all, but my generation was expected to 'tough it out' regardless of gender.

Edgar Rops
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Can you think of anyone more manly than a knight? Well, it was all right for them to cry and otherwise be emotional. This "stoicism" is fairly recent invention.

Akula971
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The gentleman maintains an air of confidence, a stiff upper lip to reassure the world that all is well, and that he is in control of his emotions, in public. In private he may retire to his most comfortable room, and sob for hours at the loss of a loved one. He will miss them always. But retain his decorum at all times.

Denise Mclean
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Perhaps this is why some men are Abusive to Women due to them not being allowed to be who they really are growing up among possibly imitating a poor example?

elfin
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agree. I also think that women in our culture should not be taught to be or act weak or to feel that they are responsible for making everyone around them happy. In other words, let people be the best version of who they are and stop labeling them.

WilvanderHeijden
Community Member
2 years ago (edited)

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

I actually love this. The story is about men litterally going through hell because society doesn't allow them to show their feelings and you step over it lightheartedly advocating how women should be educated. Thanks. When I posted this comment I knew it would get downvotes. In a topic about women getting abuse d I posted a comment that men also get abused and immediately I was called a misogynist that shouldn't highjack such an important topic . Double standards are really an issue here on BP

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Leigh C.
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Even women get looks and told to just go away and compose ourselves when upset. It's like people don't know how to respond or deal with someone's emotional moment so they want to them to go away. I find it attractive when a man can express himself to me and show they have a heart and care.

Helen Haley
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I wish we were taught when we were kids (everyone) not only ways to express emotions, AND how to handle it when others show their emotions so that everyone isn't uncomfortable showing or being shown emotions. We take PE in school, but never address mental health. Seems lopsided.

Load More Replies...
Lorrie Finley
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. This is a very timely post. For those men having difficulty still from having had to suppress emotions in the past, I would like to suggest checking your insurance company provider list for Psychologists who do EMDR. (State funded ins have them too). Although originally developed for severe PTSD, it has been for highly effective for PTSD from less traumatic situations but that leave as deep a scar. Plus talk therapy is also really helpful to face the past hurts once and for all and leave them there.

Gillbella
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I did EMDR as a treatment for PTSD and PND- it was so hard. I would finish a session then sleep 16 hours, but it did work. I managed to unjumble all the thoughts and emotions that were tangled up on my head.

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martin734
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

In the UK suicide is the biggest cause of death for men under 45 and 75% of suicides are male. I can't help thinking that if these same figures applied to women much more would be done about it. Society still places huge pressures on men to be strong and tough, to show no weakness. Traits that are seen as strengths as women are far too often seen as weaknesses in men. This has led, and still leads to big problems in the whole of society. So-called toxic masculinity is a symptom of this. Men have been told for generations that they should act in a certain way, yet when they do they are told that this behaviour is harmful. Far too many men are told that to show emotion is weak, so when they are placed in situations that are emotionally challenging they don't know how to cope, when they are unable to cope with something they too often become afraid and angry and this fear and anger often leads to violence either to themselves or others.

Pensive
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not necessarily - if you look at the medical conditions that affect predominantly women (Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Chronic Lyme), you'll see doctors arguing for decades that they're all forms of hysteria with no physical basis, simply because the majority of sufferers are female, and research funding being denied with the same reasoning. If the suicide rate for women were as high as it is for men, I suspect it'd be the same thing: 'There's nothing really wrong with them. They're just overreacting because that's what women do.'

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Ms.GB
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think that being able to express your emotions without being self conscious is a hard thing to do...it shows much stronger character to be able to show those emotions instead of bottling them up because..."Someone might think I'm weak".

Daria B
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Really good and important point. However, for me it's more about the feeling of being exposed, as in naked. Plus, people stop taking you seriously after a few times, seeing you as immature or spoilt. Unless they genuinely love you (which is usually, but not always, family and friends).

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earringnut
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

People are social creatures. Whether you believe it's by design or evolution, we need to share our emotions with others. It's the way we are all made.

Leopoldo Pisanello
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think it takes much more "balls" to cry in front of other people instead of just "man up" and bottle everything down the hatch only to have huge problems later in life.

Jaybird3939
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My brother and I lost our parents at an early age (I was 15, he was 18). Instead of letting him express his emotions, his best friend stuck a beer bottle in his hand. I don't know how many times he drove drunk, but I think his Guardian Angel was pretty exhausted by the time he toned it down.

Helen Haley
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My sister was 15 and I was 18 when we lost our mom. I didn't drink, because I didn't like the taste, but I did make a series of stupid choices. I know how losing a parent at young ages can mess with a person. I'm sorry for your loss.

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Elaine Dodge
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's rude to cry at funerals? What? Oh, lady, you are so wrong...about so many things. I'm pretty sure your step-son won't be the only one 'being polite' at your funeral.

Barbara Vandewalle
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The last posting "expecting a man to stiff upper lip' is one of the reasons why PTSD is so prevalent. Not being allowed to grieve, keeping everything bottled up is guaranteed to lead to mental problems.

KombatBunni
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My Dad apologised to me the other day for getting upset because his idiot son hadn't spoken to him in a long time. I immediately told him that no, he wasn't being a sook, he was dealing with how he was feeling and there's no shame whatsoever in being upset. I also said that if he pulled that crap with me again or around Mum we'd both tell him off. Never be ashamed of how you feel, doesn't matter if you're a guy, a girl or anything in between. Bottled up emotions can be like poison so it's good to let them out sometimes..as for it being rude to cry at funerals? What bullshit..I cried like a baby at both my grandparents' funerals and nobody told me it was rude..

Nicky OldfieldDesciple
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

From when I was a teenager onwards my dad treated me like shit. To the outside world he made it look like he was a kind and benevolent father buying me all sorts of stuff most of which I didn't want but behind closed doors he sexually and psychologically abused me. He told me not to bother telling anyone as no one would believe me. To the outside world he was everybody's best friend and the life and soul of the party but to me he was a horrible bully who got off on being cruel. One day he said to me "look at all I have. A nice home lots of friends and a good job. I bet you're jealous because I have what you will never have." I just replied "the only thing that you have that I wish I had you a a dead father. ". He beat the living crap out of me for that one t it was totally worth it. I didn't cry at his funeral either. In fact the day he died was the best day of my life.

Lucas
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Really sorry for everything that you went through.

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Animal lover❤
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Men are told to man up and Boyle their feelings. Apparently expressing any emotion is non-manly. This is wrong, everyone should be able to share their feelings comfortably. So many boys and men have mental health issues because they feel they can't express their feelings. It's ok to cry, ots ok to feel things. Everyone needs to know that.

Terry Sanders
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nothing is less manly than being worried about others opinions on your 'manhood'.

Gillbella
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Dear Men (or any repressed gender), If you cry that's fine by us. You are allowed to feel your emotions. Lots of Love, the Rest of Us. P.S we love you x

Weishaar Jamie
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And I believe this kind of attitude leads to bad and often abusive relationships, homophobia, misogyny and violence

Celeste Grant
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My partner lady his first wife 15 years ago. He made sure their children got all the support they needed, but he felt he had to "man up" and get on with running the family. I realised early into our relationship that he had never worked through his grief, so encouraged him to get therapy. He is now in a much better place. I hate that he went through so many years suppressing his feelings because it wasn't "manly". I think it takes balls to face your emotions, and work through them.

Carol Lewis
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My husband is a "boomer" and has taught his son it's ok to cry. That there is a reason we have the ability to cry, it's natural and healthy. I'm tired of boomer crap. Not everyone is the same no matter what age. It's demeaning and disrespectful. I was raised by parents who were born in 1910 and 12. My father never said "you cant do that because you are a girl." He taught my how to change a tire, and other boy stuff. They had 4 girls and 1 son. Stereotypes suck.

deanna woods
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I hate that people keep classifying all people of one generation as the same. Both my parents are Boomers and they have no problem expressing their emotions.

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Fulsome Kitten
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Women can be just as bad with other women sadly. When my father and my pet died back-to-back, it hit me hard. I kept it together at work s best as I could but kept making small mistakes (like grammar in an email...small shit) because I was depressed and preoccupied. After about a month, my female supervisor pulled me aside and said that she had been very patient with me thus far but I really needed to get it together. She very much embodied the expectation in Detroit that everyone (women and men) need to be "strong" and not get emotional about shit like, ya know, people dying.

Beatrice Multhaupt
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

People, I think we have problems dealing with death, and , yes, there's also toxic masculinity. My grandmother did more for me than either of my parents, but she spent her adult years in Nazi Germany and firmly instructed me that it's NEVER ok to cry. I'm female, by the way. So then she died...the day I graduated from university. The therapist I consulted said I was making this up but that I would ''be given a second chance when I was ready to talk about the 'real' issues''. This was in 1977; therapy might have improved since then, but I'm in no mood to try to find out.

Viviane
Community Member
2 years ago

This comment has been deleted.

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Seabeast
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes, this is why the male suicide death rate is higher.

Astrid Nineor
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes and no. Most suicide ATTEMPTS are by women. The men are just more, eh, extreme (they choose actual lethal methods)

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CatWoman312
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The only people who should be told to man up is a tantrum having toddler having a meltdown because their chicken nuggets aren’t dinosaur shaped.

WilvanderHeijden
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I actually love the comment of Elfin. The story is about men litterally going through hell because society doesn't allow them to show their feelings and she steps over it lightheartedly advocating how women should be educated. Ending the comment with: "Let people be the best version of who they are and stop labeling them." is hardly an acknowledgement of the specific troubles and problems that men have. I post this comment knowing that it will get downvotes. In a topic about women getting abused I posted a comment that men also get abused and immediately I was called a misogynist that shouldn't try to highjack such an important topic . Double standards are really an issue here on BP.

FBI OPEN UP
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

the insensitivity. this is disappointing

Sasy
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is one of the reasons why boys suffer in silence and the Men they become go on suffering. In situations that need Male voices to stand up against wrongdoings they often cannot get those voices. Compensation to victims of attrocities goes unpaid because Men will not come forward to claim or admit to the horrible things done to them, because it would not be manly to do so. That is a very sad truth, and leads to a lot of hurt to everyone involved. In older countries, drinking especially becomes self medication until death, and their abusers get to often go on abusing.

Leo Domitrix
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I am female, hetero, etc. My dad snarled "MAN UP!" allllll the time. He also drank too much, smoked a lot, hit his kids, etc., so.... I prefer to "person up", thanks.

Up All Night
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When parents say "man up" to a kid, it really means "I don't care about your problems and I have no time for you".

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cybermerlin2000
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Im OK with knowing about my depression. Since the lockdown, which started on my 49th birthday, I have spent around 30 minutes in the bathroom quietly crying before anyone gets up. My fiancee and my daughter know about it and they give me that time to sort myself out. They give me cuddles afterwards and make sure I'm ok

Gillbella
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I am glad you have people who care about you and are looking after you x

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Stella
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Great article, not a fan of the comments! Why does every topic like this become a men vs women discussion? That completely bypasses the issue. We don't have to pay less attention to women being sexually harassed to pay more attention to men's emotions being expressed, or other such issues. All of them stem from the same fundamental problematic thinking pattern in which stereotypically feminine behavior = emotional and irrational = weak, and stereotypically masculine behavior = stone cold logic = strong. Both always being seen as weak and always being seen as strong is toxic

pusheen buttercup
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agree toxic masculinity can be destructive; that in mind I feel we should give older generations a little benefit of the doubt sometimes. Of course it depends on the situation, but some don't mean what we think they mean. Others simply don't know any better and are acting how we'd act if we were raised that way. Let's all try to politely tolerate one another. :)

deanna woods
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My father is a big strong man who at the same time is like a giant teddy bear. All his jobs were what would be deemed "manly " , but he didn't let that be his whole identity. He made our lunches for school, cooked our breakfast, cooked some of our dinners, and sewed our clothes when they had holes in them and I don't think any of that made him less manly. Not only that, he allowed my sister and I to see his emotions. He wasn't trying to prove that he was a man by being tough because he had already proved it by taking care of his children. Telling someone to "man up" is the same as telling them to act like a robot. Humans(men and women alike) have emotions and should be allowed to express them without being questioned or looked at funny.

Camil Gagnon
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Even knowing it's healthy to be authentic and vulnerable, there's a lot of social pressure to conform and "man-up". Eventually, it becomes very hard to act spontaneously, connect with yourself or care about anything other than being powerful, successful and invulnerable. This is very hard on relationships, as It's very difficult to love anybody who can't show who they really are.

Grumble O'Pug
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's pretty sad. In fact it's why so many men are triggered by feminism. They forget that equality frees them up.

arjelio mas
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"...because he has a dick between his pants."

Amy Pontious
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Some people are just messed up!!

Rose
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This definitely isn't as bad but I used to have a friend and we argued all the time. One of the last times we argued they said to me that I always walk away from arguments and need to man up. I'm not even a man and they said that. I also told them that if I didn't walk away I would say something I regret and that I walk away because I didn't want to argue. That shut them up really quickly.

Bastette Cat
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Are we allowed to edit our comments? I can't find an edit button anywhere. The following two comments (from me) are backwards because I had already run out of the allotted number of characters for a comment, so I finished it in the next comment, but now it's showing in the reverse order. So when you read the following comment, it might be confusing, but just start with the one after that to see the beginning.

Bastette Cat
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

that she had to bottle it up or stay home. This usually happens to boys, but her parents were pretty uptight people.

Bastette Cat
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Stifling gender roles aside (briefly), I would just like to ask, WHO IN THE WORLD came up with the idea that it's rude to cry at a funeral?? What? That is so twisted. Years ago I had a friend who told me that when she was 13, her 6-year-old cousin died of leukemia. She was devastated by it, and could barely stop crying about it. On the day of his funeral, her parents told her sternly that if she couldn't stop crying, she wouldn't be allowed to come with them. I have a tendency to go kind of cold at funerals and not feel much of anything. I understand now that this is just my reaction to death, but I used to feel terrible showing my dry-eyed face to the others at the funeral, because I believed it exposed what an unfeeling jerk I was. (I'm a woman, btw, so this isn't about toxic masculinity.) Now I understand that this is the way my feelings about death tend to manifest. So the very idea that someone who had a more common (and some would say appropriate) response to grief was told...

Kim Lorton
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If I ever hear a woman telling her son, husband or any male being, to " man up", I will verbally slap her in to next week, and possibly in to next year! That makes me more angry than someone calling a woman a " c**t. Or little lady or some other word to demean her.