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Woman Can't Get Over The Fact That Son Wants To Marry "Self-Centered" GF, Asks Netizens For Advice
Interview With ExpertWhen two people decide to get married, it also means that they are joining their families together to create a whole new one. This isn’t always an easy process because it also involves people with different behaviors and personalities having to adjust to one another.
This is the kind of struggle a mom found herself in when her son got engaged to his girlfriend. The lady couldn’t accept that her son wanted to settle down with such a “selfish” and “self-centered” woman, but she also felt wary of interfering with his decision.
More info: Mumsnet
RELATED:
When it comes to marriage, even if the couple are on the same page, their in-laws might still have some concerns
Image credits: prostock-studio / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The poster shared that her 28-year-old son was going to get married to his long-term girlfriend in a year but that she didn’t feel happy or excited for him
Image credits: kroshka__nastya / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The mom felt that her future daughter-in-law was too self-obsessed and that she never put anyone else first, whereas her son went all out supporting his fiancée
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Even though the poster knew that her son had the right to decide how he wanted to live his life, she felt sick at the thought of him marrying his selfish girlfriend
Image credits: GoverningSilverfish
The woman kept debating if she should tell her son about her feelings or just fake being joyful for his big day
The mom’s concerns about her future daughter-in-law were more about the way she behaved and how she treated her partner. The OP had observed her son bending over backward to please his fiancée, whereas she didn’t seem to lift a finger to do the same for him. That’s why the mom kept debating if she should confront her son over this issue.
It is indeed a difficult situation for a parent to be in, which is why Bored Panda reached out to Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin for advice. He is a licensed clinical professional counselor and a certified Imago relationship therapist. Together with his wife Rivka, they founded The Marriage Restoration Project, a global initiative to help keep couples together and happy.
We asked the rabbi if the mom should voice her opinion about her future daughter-in-law. He said that “it depends on the type of relationship they have. If they are very close, there may be room to say something, but it is still probably not the best idea.”
“He is in love and engaged and probably won’t listen anyway. If anything, it will cause strife and distance the son. He may include her less in his life if he feels mom is trying to break them up,” the rabbi added. Even if the OP were to be honest with her son and tell him that she thinks his partner is too self-obsessed, he might clam up and refuse to let her be a part of the upcoming wedding.
Image credits: Elegant Images / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The woman is really in a tough spot because she wants to protect her son from future problems with his wife-to-be, but she also might end up straining her bond with him. It’s possible that her current relationship with her daughter-in-law also has problems, so voicing her concerns might ruin what little connection they have.
We asked Rabbi Shlomo what parents can do to deal with feelings of concern or worry about their child’s future married life. He said that “they need to learn how to let go as they have absolutely no control.”
“It would be helpful for them to learn to talk to each other so they can hear and validate each other’s feelings as well as process them and get greater insight into what is triggering them. In the end, they will need to be able to validate and then release the concerns as they are no longer in charge.”
“It is hard to see your child do things that you feel are not in their best interest, but growing up is all about making mistakes and learning from them. It is one of the most difficult things for a parent but it will create a healthier relationship with an adult child as well as help reduce worry,” he explained.
It’s important to give the OP props in this situation; even though she felt so worried about her son’s decision, she was more inclined to keep her feelings to herself and let him be happy. It is incredibly hard for a parent to step aside and let their kid decide and make mistakes, but it is also a necessary part of life.
How exactly do you think the mom should proceed in this situation? Would you have spoken up if you were in her shoes? Let us know your thoughts.
Most folks told the woman to keep her feelings to herself and accept her son’s choice, whereas a few felt that she should have a quiet word with him
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What do you think ?
Tabitha 8 months ago
When you’re a parent, you have to be careful what you say to your child, and how you say it. Doesn’t matter how old they are either, but it’s more important when they’re adults. If you try to warn them, or tell them they can’t do something, once YOU say no, they will double down on it and want it even more, even if they were initially indifferent or on the verge of ending it all on their own. You trying to stop it merely turns it into forbidden fruit, which makes it all the more enticing and valuable to them. OP should just keep it to herself and let her son figure it out by himself. Now, if OP starts noticing anything extreme, like bruises, or if her son comes to her, admits he’s being abused, and wants help getting out of the marriage, then she can help him—-but she should still never say she knew it before he got married. She should simply commiserate with him and help him extricate himself, and get custody of any children he may have had with his ex.
Zoe Vokes 8 months ago
I think it depends on the relationship OP and son have and son’s personality. Not all children ignore advice. But OP shouldn’t say anything because if his fiancée hears about it then it’ll strain the relationship more and she might persuade him to go low contact with his mum.
Load More Replies...
Janelle Collard 8 months ago
OP needs to say *nothing* to sonny-boy cuz it'll bite her in the a** later. All she can do is be there for him if/when his "perfect life" falls apart. And it will, eventually.
Milena B. G. Rosa 8 months ago
Or not. OP did not give a single concrete event as example, just general "I think she's bad for my kid" examples, so maybe OP is a entitled MIL who don't like her son GF for "taking her baby away"... But who knowns.
Load More Replies...
bElLa sTairZz 8 months ago
at most, she should check in if HE has any of these concerns. he knows that woman well and is less likely to have bad faith going into it. what he says his mother needs to internalise
Jennifer Clayton 8 months ago
If he did all those same things to make mama happy, then it's who he is or how mama trained him. That won't change.
Yu Pan 8 months ago (edited)
One time I expressed to my then boss how ridiculous the big boss' new policy was. He nodded and expressed his concerns too but told me unfortunately the big boss' won't budge. I tried to argue, he said to me, you've said your piece and now you need to let it go. That has been my motto since.
Debbie 8 months ago
Tough spot... Maybe show him a balanced relationship. When you see a man doing something nice for his partner and the partner thanks him, "casually" mention it: Oh wow she really appreciates his efforts! Better yet if you can show in your own relationship. By giving good examples (not too obvious) you can hopefully give him food for thought. Or maybe point out: wow, he jumped in the water to get her hat out which blew into it, and she didn't even thank him! Or another way to show the worth of what someone does. "Aaaww so sweet, that girl brought her partner his favroutie snack! Just something small and he looks so happy with it!" This is a subtle way of pointing out a balance in a relationship. If he has the capabilities to do some selfreflection, he might recognize things and values himself more. This might be too late for the wedding, but even if he divorces after because he found his self worth, that would be a good thing.
Milena B. G. Rosa 8 months ago
I've seen enough "MIL'S form H-E-L-L" to be a bit skeptical about that one. Like some comments on the post said: Do she sees them 24/7 to known if the GF don't thank him? To known if the son don't want to do the same things GF likes/does? The sick thing hut has to do what she wants is kinda a red flag, but there is no context, so it might been harmless (IE. He's sick with a cold and the GF asks him to got grocery shopping bc she won't have time)... Then again, is possible the GF is just a bad person too, but the lack of details/examples of said selfishness made me rise an eyebrow
Tom De Paul 8 months ago
You cannot win this one. She gives him something you never will - S*X. Keep your thoughts to yourself. Plaster that smile on your face. Be there if it all crashes down around his ears (but realize it might not, no matter how hard you wish otherwise. )
Ace 8 months ago
What abuse? MiL _thinks_ that DiL is a bit selfish and demanding, but apparently the son does not feel that way, so why would you choose not only to take MiL's word for it but to assume that DiL's behaviour is abúsive? Does Mommy always know best? No, very often Mommy just does not want to let go the apron strings, which is what this one sounds like to me.
Load More Replies...
Tabitha 8 months ago
When you’re a parent, you have to be careful what you say to your child, and how you say it. Doesn’t matter how old they are either, but it’s more important when they’re adults. If you try to warn them, or tell them they can’t do something, once YOU say no, they will double down on it and want it even more, even if they were initially indifferent or on the verge of ending it all on their own. You trying to stop it merely turns it into forbidden fruit, which makes it all the more enticing and valuable to them. OP should just keep it to herself and let her son figure it out by himself. Now, if OP starts noticing anything extreme, like bruises, or if her son comes to her, admits he’s being abused, and wants help getting out of the marriage, then she can help him—-but she should still never say she knew it before he got married. She should simply commiserate with him and help him extricate himself, and get custody of any children he may have had with his ex.
Zoe Vokes 8 months ago
I think it depends on the relationship OP and son have and son’s personality. Not all children ignore advice. But OP shouldn’t say anything because if his fiancée hears about it then it’ll strain the relationship more and she might persuade him to go low contact with his mum.
Load More Replies... Janelle Collard 8 months ago
OP needs to say *nothing* to sonny-boy cuz it'll bite her in the a** later. All she can do is be there for him if/when his "perfect life" falls apart. And it will, eventually.
Milena B. G. Rosa 8 months ago
Or not. OP did not give a single concrete event as example, just general "I think she's bad for my kid" examples, so maybe OP is a entitled MIL who don't like her son GF for "taking her baby away"... But who knowns.
Load More Replies... bElLa sTairZz 8 months ago
at most, she should check in if HE has any of these concerns. he knows that woman well and is less likely to have bad faith going into it. what he says his mother needs to internalise
Jennifer Clayton 8 months ago
If he did all those same things to make mama happy, then it's who he is or how mama trained him. That won't change.
Yu Pan 8 months ago (edited)
One time I expressed to my then boss how ridiculous the big boss' new policy was. He nodded and expressed his concerns too but told me unfortunately the big boss' won't budge. I tried to argue, he said to me, you've said your piece and now you need to let it go. That has been my motto since.
Debbie 8 months ago
Tough spot... Maybe show him a balanced relationship. When you see a man doing something nice for his partner and the partner thanks him, "casually" mention it: Oh wow she really appreciates his efforts! Better yet if you can show in your own relationship. By giving good examples (not too obvious) you can hopefully give him food for thought. Or maybe point out: wow, he jumped in the water to get her hat out which blew into it, and she didn't even thank him! Or another way to show the worth of what someone does. "Aaaww so sweet, that girl brought her partner his favroutie snack! Just something small and he looks so happy with it!" This is a subtle way of pointing out a balance in a relationship. If he has the capabilities to do some selfreflection, he might recognize things and values himself more. This might be too late for the wedding, but even if he divorces after because he found his self worth, that would be a good thing.
Milena B. G. Rosa 8 months ago
I've seen enough "MIL'S form H-E-L-L" to be a bit skeptical about that one. Like some comments on the post said: Do she sees them 24/7 to known if the GF don't thank him? To known if the son don't want to do the same things GF likes/does? The sick thing hut has to do what she wants is kinda a red flag, but there is no context, so it might been harmless (IE. He's sick with a cold and the GF asks him to got grocery shopping bc she won't have time)... Then again, is possible the GF is just a bad person too, but the lack of details/examples of said selfishness made me rise an eyebrow
Tom De Paul 8 months ago
You cannot win this one. She gives him something you never will - S*X. Keep your thoughts to yourself. Plaster that smile on your face. Be there if it all crashes down around his ears (but realize it might not, no matter how hard you wish otherwise. )
Ace 8 months ago
What abuse? MiL _thinks_ that DiL is a bit selfish and demanding, but apparently the son does not feel that way, so why would you choose not only to take MiL's word for it but to assume that DiL's behaviour is abúsive? Does Mommy always know best? No, very often Mommy just does not want to let go the apron strings, which is what this one sounds like to me.
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