“Am I A Jerk For Skipping Christmas With My Parents Since They Won’t Treat Me Like An Adult?”
Oh, there’s no place like hoooome for the holidays…
Unless you don’t get along with your family. Then it might be best to go somewhere else…
Most of us love to be surrounded by our closest family members during the holiday season, but we don’t all have to celebrate the same way. If you live halfway across the world from your parents, it might not be feasible to go visit them. If you can’t take enough days off from work to travel, you might end up spending Christmas with your closest friends in town. Or if you have a tumultuous relationship with your family, it might be healthiest for you to set boundaries and spend the day without them.
However, sometimes, it’s just stubbornness that keeps us apart. Down below, you’ll find a story that one woman recently shared on the “Am I the [Jerk]?” subreddit explaining why she decided not to spend Christmas with her family, as well as some of the replies invested readers left her. Let us know in the comments below what you think about this situation, pandas, and feel free to share how you decided to celebrate the holidays this year as well. Then, if you’re interested in reading yet another Bored Panda article featuring family drama during the “most wonderful time of the year”, check out this story next!
After failing to tell her parents she would be skipping the Christmas gathering, this woman is now wondering if she should have handled the situation differently
Image credits: Nicole Michalou (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Nicole Michalou (not the actual photo)
Image credits: No_Review8351
She later responded to a few questions from readers and explained why she waited until the last minute to break the news
I understand what it’s like to spend Christmas away from your family members, as I’ve only been able to spend 1 out of the past 4 Christmases with my own family. But I certainly didn’t skip any celebrations out of spite. It was purely due to logistics of having to travel too far or miss too much work; if I could have spent every single Christmas with my parents and brothers, I happily would have. And while it’s a personal choice how anyone chooses to spend the holidays, it seems like missing an entire celebrating just to sleep in the same bed as the person you share a bed with every other night of the year is a tad bit petty.
As much as many families like to paint the perfect “Christmas card picture” of being happy, especially during the holidays, it’s actually incredibly common to be dealing with family drama this time of year. Suddenly living under the same roof as your parents and siblings and being constantly questioned about your love life and your career can be exhausting for people who have been living on their own for years, or even decades. In fact, one 2019 poll found that 75% of Americans admit to needing to escape from their families during the holidays. And on average, they can only tolerate 3 hours and 54 minutes with their relatives until they need to take a moment to themselves.
So how are we supposed to cope with the inevitable holiday drama? We don’t all want to skip the celebration altogether, but we also want to be careful not to damage our relationships because someone started discussing politics or asked when you’re going to start popping out babies. According to Charlotte Elkin, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker at the Oscar Center, there are a few healthy ways to manage that holiday season familial stress.
Elkin says that before you even board that flight home, it is important to understand your expectations ahead of time. “Do a personal inventory of the reasons why you’re spending time with family during the holidays,” she notes. “If you feel like you’re going home solely to meet someone else’s needs rather than your own, it might be time to adjust your plans or your expectations.” It’s also wise to come up with your own personal boundaries ahead of time. Know what topics will be off limits and how much time you will commit to spending with your family members to ensure you prioritize your own mental health.
Some readers assured the woman that she was not at fault
During the holidays, it’s also helpful to be mindful of substances. If you, or some of your family members, are particularly sensitive to alcohol, or likely to overindulge, remember that before the holiday cheer starts flowing. You don’t want to have any regrets or say things you wouldn’t say sober just because the stress of the holidays led you to having too many glasses of wine. And when you’re feeling anxious, just go take a breather.
“Breaks can be a great way to reset and let off some steam,” Elkin says. “Go for a walk. Get some fresh air. Take a jog to get your blood pumping. Meditate or do some yoga. If you start to feel yourself getting stressed, it’s okay to hit pause and reboot with some self care and relaxation. Just be sure to let others know that you’re coming back so they don’t misinterpret your absence or worry you got stuck in a chimney.”
While I’m glad this woman seems to have had a great holiday away from her family members, I can’t help but feel like with some improved communication and empathy, she could have reached an arrangement with her loved ones where they all could have celebrated together. We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation down below, pandas, as well as how you decided to spend this holiday season. I hope you all had/are having a wonderful Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or whatever else you choose to celebrate, and if you’re looking for another article highlighting family drama around the holidays, you can find that right here!
However, others believed that everyone involved should have conducted themselves differently
I think to everyone saying ESH, they don’t understand the power of and/or guilt-tripping that comes with a parent’s manipulation. Also I think she is in the position to know how her mom would have reacted if she had told her initially. She also knows how she would react to her mother’s reaction and made the decision that is right for her.
Exactly. What's the point in telling mom when you know her reaction is going to be messy? Op is smarter than that thankfully.
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As someone watching firsthand what manipulation and guilt tripping from a parent like this does to a person, NTA. Lying to avoid weeks of that is not an a*****e move, and could genuinely be the difference between sanity and a spiral into depression. No way in a million years is OP the a*****e
As someone who has not only firsthand experience with such parents but also managed to overcome it - and that took me many, many years: avoiding the confrontation here is the biggest a-move you can do to yourself. By lying you chose to stay they child they view you, and you will be that child not only with your parents, but also with your partner, employer, friends, you'll always fall back to this child like behaviour. Facing your parents like and adult, standing your ground instead of acting like when you were a child that had no option but to lie can be and often is the hardest thing in your life, BUT ist also is the easiest way to become a grown up adult.
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'They are trying to control me and treating me like a child' (pretty legitimate complain). 'So I'll passive aggressively lie to them, let them prepare for me at Christmas and just no show' In my family we get gifts for one another, organize and juggle sleep spaces and ensure we have food,especially special items, for everyone. I'd be livid if someone no showed when they knew they weren't coming. Complaining about being treated like a child while behaving like one is hilarious. (If OP had just said I'm not coming, I'd be with them'
I am 41 and I just had to do a similar situation with my own mother. If I tell her about my plans beforehand, drama ensues. Weeks long messages, calls, silent treatment, tears, threats, etc etc.
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I think to everyone saying ESH, they don’t understand the power of and/or guilt-tripping that comes with a parent’s manipulation. Also I think she is in the position to know how her mom would have reacted if she had told her initially. She also knows how she would react to her mother’s reaction and made the decision that is right for her.
Exactly. What's the point in telling mom when you know her reaction is going to be messy? Op is smarter than that thankfully.
Load More Replies... As someone watching firsthand what manipulation and guilt tripping from a parent like this does to a person, NTA. Lying to avoid weeks of that is not an a*****e move, and could genuinely be the difference between sanity and a spiral into depression. No way in a million years is OP the a*****e
As someone who has not only firsthand experience with such parents but also managed to overcome it - and that took me many, many years: avoiding the confrontation here is the biggest a-move you can do to yourself. By lying you chose to stay they child they view you, and you will be that child not only with your parents, but also with your partner, employer, friends, you'll always fall back to this child like behaviour. Facing your parents like and adult, standing your ground instead of acting like when you were a child that had no option but to lie can be and often is the hardest thing in your life, BUT ist also is the easiest way to become a grown up adult.
Load More Replies... 'They are trying to control me and treating me like a child' (pretty legitimate complain). 'So I'll passive aggressively lie to them, let them prepare for me at Christmas and just no show' In my family we get gifts for one another, organize and juggle sleep spaces and ensure we have food,especially special items, for everyone. I'd be livid if someone no showed when they knew they weren't coming. Complaining about being treated like a child while behaving like one is hilarious. (If OP had just said I'm not coming, I'd be with them'
I am 41 and I just had to do a similar situation with my own mother. If I tell her about my plans beforehand, drama ensues. Weeks long messages, calls, silent treatment, tears, threats, etc etc.
Load More Replies...
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