Being in an unhealthy relationship sucks, but it sucks even more if you’ve just started to learn about your partner’s “red flags.”
You could be those high school sweethearts that were never apart, or perhaps you just tied the knot a couple of years ago – the truth is, no one is protected from toxic relationships, whether you’ve been together for what seems like an eternity or not.
It so happens that people change, and frankly, the majority of the time, it’s not for the better. People get triggered by various life events, or they’re simply letting their true inner self out – whatever the reasoning might be, sometimes, it’s in your best interest to ask yourself whether it’s worth enduring it.
More info: Reddit
Sometimes your loved ones truly baffle you with their narcissistic behavior
Image credits: Pedro Ribeiro Simeos (not the actual image)
“AITA for refusing to go home when my husband told me to?” – this woman turned to Reddit for some unbiased opinions and, perhaps to find out whether she’s a jerk for not believing in her husband’s nausea. The post has managed to receive over 18K upvotes and 1.4K worth of comments discussing this uneasy situation.
Woman wonders if she’s the bad guy for refusing to leave her sister’s 18th birthday party after her husband claimed that he was nauseous
Image credits: u/Backseat-View5033
The author began her post by sharing that she and her husband have been married for a couple of years.
The thing is, it seems that the 33-year-old isn’t a big fan of social gatherings and has developed a habit of getting out of things while also dragging the OP along with him; it could be because he gets bored or he simply sees someone that he’s not fond of.
The woman claims that although he doesn’t say it, he often pretends to get sick and forces her to go home with him – however, as soon as they get home, he immediately goes back to normal.
Image credits: Dark Dwarf (not the actual image)
Eventually, the man cracked and admitted that it’s indeed a “strategy” that he uses to get out of boring events, but it was happening way too often and the woman kept falling for it.
Naturally, it affected her relationship with her family and friends; besides, the woman told him many times that if he didn’t feel comfortable at an event, he could go home by himself without having to trick her into leaving with him.
Image credits: u/Backseat-View5033
The man argued, saying that he needed her to leave with him because people would ask how he could drive while sick, yet the woman said that wasn’t her problem and that the next time it’d happen, she wouldn’t play along.
Fast forward to another gathering, this time it was the OP’s sister’s party. It was a huge event since she’s the youngest one in the family, and prior to it, Tom (the husband) said that he couldn’t go because he was “feeling sick” – however, before heading off, he changed his mind and got dressed.
As expected, about 15 minutes in, Tom chimes in saying that he feels nauseous, begging the woman to go home with him. The author assumed that he just got bored and was pretending to be sick once again.
Image credits: u/Backseat-View5033
The OP told him that he needed to stop with the games, yet the husband swore that he was sick.
Seconds later, after everyone sat down to have dinner, the man dropped down and started throwing up. Of course, everyone got up to check on him, but he didn’t waste his time and lashed out at the OP saying things like: “she knew I was sick, but she wouldn’t believe me.”
Image credits: u/Backseat-View5033
Image credits: Alex Ford (not the actual image)
The woman then got berated by the whole family; they called her neglectful and claimed that she has no empathy because who would refuse to listen when their partner tells them that they’re feeling a bit odd?
What do you think about this post? Do you believe that the author was wrong for not listening to her husband?
Members of this online community shared their thoughts regarding the situation
Red flag 1. Not allowing you to stay in social gatherings alone. Red flag 2. Lying as a strategy. Red flag 3. Public shaming by making you seem uncaring and cold in front of your family. I bet there are enough red flags on him to shame a Soviet parade if you look closer. I'm somewhat introverted, but I would never play these kinds of games about it. If I'm not up to going to a family thing or something, I just say so. And if I run out of being social juice in the middle, I just tell people I need some peace and quiet to recharge. I'd say he's trying to isolate you so he can own you.
Conclusion. He is a narcissist and he will allways be.... RUNNNN
Load More Replies...
I agree with one of the comments above: some people can puke on command. It would not surprise me if he was one of them and did it to make her feel bad and shame her in front of her family. I hope that she was able to talk to her family and tell them that she didn't believe him due to his previous behaviour
Could've also taken something (like ipecac) to induce vomiting. I also think he purposely made himself sick, but one thing I disagree with is the apparent consensus that "an adult can make it to the bathroom or outside." Anyone who thinks this has never been really sick. You absolutely cannot always make it to the toilet. Has happened to me many times.
Load More Replies...
Get a divorce, this is unacceptable behaviour!. I go alone if my other half isn't interested and nobody has said a bad word. I'm myself introverted and get physically sick if I have to pretend to be social. But this is childish, completely disturbing, and I'd divorce him now. Imagine if you have kids or pets, everytime he feels it's too much to care or feed them just drops on his knees sick and leaves you embarrassed and humiliated. Disgusting behaviour from husband, just don't go if you're not interested and so hateful towards your wives family you can't be an adult and auck it up. Even more concerning is the inability to let you go alone, he could have stayed in bed sick, he didn't need to get dressed last minute and to join you. This seems like he came to make sure you behaved, this is controlling. I often stay home when feeling sick, and I don't expect my.man to stop his plans to moan with me at home over my sickness
this is 100% intentional action. even if he didn't throw up on command & actually felt unwell. he stayed in the seat & made a spectacle of throwing up in the middle of a party like a toddler & then sniffling & screaming to direct blame at OP right after. coming from someone w a degenerative disease, 15cm of withered intestines, awaiting colostomy bag, taking 2 types of morphine, 3 types of antiemetics, NG feed bc of the pain & sickness im experiencing: i don't throw up in front of people. my sickness will creep up on me out of nowhere bc it's not the "normal" sickness & derives from my condition. i still manage to make it to a bin or a bathroom. i clean myself up & if i need to go home, i find a way to go home or find a quiet corner & don't disrupt others for my sake. i've never thrown up on the floor in 8 years of disease. he's a narcissistic a*****e revelling in making OP look like the bad guy & needs to be dropped ASAP
How TF is she "neglectful", family? He's her husband, not her child! DIVORCE HIM!
My husband feels unwell he's a big boy who will sort himself out without the drama
What kind of adult does this. Hope she moves on because this isn't ok.
NTA but let's focus on how much of a complete prick this guy is. He's an adult, he's married and their families combine. Suck it up and interact with your wife's family you selfish little prick.
Or stay home. He certainly wasn't forced to go with the OP.
Load More Replies... I wouldn't be surprised if he took some syrup of ipecac to make himself puke. Sounds like he just wants to control you.
Here in the U.S., we cannot buy syrup of ipecac over the counter anymore, it has to be prescribed by a doctor. So I'm wondering if he drank a bit of water with mustard stirred in - that can make some people puke.
Load More Replies...
Knowing his history I wouldn't have believed him either, he really did cry Wolf too many times.
Ooooohhh, I hate this guy. He just doesn't want to spend time with her side of the family and has resorted to childish tactics AT 33 YEARS OLD to get out of it, every time. He reminds me of a much, much worse version of my ex. My ex spent very little time with my family and I spent a BUNCH of time with his in the 8 years we were together. I begged him, argued with him, and straight-up told him that I wanted him to make more of an effort with my family. He never did. Tom is much worse, though. Much worse. I really hope she divorces this horrible excuse of a person.
As soon as he admitted what he had been doing you should have at least mentioned marriage counseling. This latest event just calls for divorce.
How bizarre. If he really was feeling sick, couldn’t he have excused himself to the washroom? Seems like a drama king to me. He may even have created this situation by taking an emetic - who knows?
All I can say is, many people.can barf on command. He's manipulating you and now that you're onto him he will double down.
Just get a divorce. I would have shot his stupid balls off. Then he will be REALLY sick
You cry wolf enough times, no one is going to believe you anymore. Simple.
She needs to run asap to a divorce attorney and get away from this psycho!
He's a sad sap of a man. He did all of that on purpose. Probably planned it on the way over. Don't let him get away with it any longer. Call him out on it. Explain this to your family. Leave him at home. I'd tell him that I don't want him to go with me because I can't have a good time for babysitting him.
NTA. What are you supposed to go home for? To hold his hand? How would that help?
This dude absolutely made himself throw up for the spectacle, and to make his wife pay for not playing along with his games. I've been around a lot of people who aren't well, and every one of them at least makes an *attempt* not to puke all over the floor. And if they do, they aren't usually energetic enough to yell at anyone, because you have to be pretty sick not to make it to a trash can.
It sounds like he is making himself sick in social situations from anxiety or panic. Like an automatic response that his brain just has come to think social situation = stomach upset. At the same he has made it so that people have lost their trust in him.
I have bad news for you. You are married to an abuser in training. He's gaslighting, trying to isolate you, and being manipulative. Time to leave.
If he was actually sick, and you ignored it, then yes, you are the jerk. If he was faking it, your relationship needs therapy, or you need to end it.
Most people in these comments need to seek help I would have been there like he was don't believe here let me show you 😁 she deserved it regardless how it played out what would ya all say if he just took her keys and car and left don't have kids with her 😉 she might refuse doctors if the child became ill wow that's harsh but it is the same reversed treat each other with respect or get the hell out of the relationship because loving someone is not about how bad each other can hurt one another. I am more surprised at some of the comments some females and males need to figuar out what is a relationship and what it means..
OP get away from this abusive psycho and let your family know what's up. If they don't believe or support you, escape them too.
Syrup of ipecac or activated charcoal causes vomiting and can be bought over the counter.
I'm not siding with anyone here, but is it possible he has a social anxiety problem and got so stressed that he became sick? If not, yeah, kick him to the curb because it's just going to get worse. He needs counseling either way.
if he was sick he could have stayed home, he went so he could make you leave. Get help, this will get worse. what a man baby
Dude made himself vomit. I REALLY hope the OP sees all of the comments on reditt and LEAVES HIM!
My advice to the OP....DUMP HIM AND RUN!!!! My SIL has been pulling this exact same BS for more than a decade. Her version was to show up to something for maybe 20 minutes and then to pretend to start coughing and badger my brother into leaving. She has been using this type of manipulation for years to cut my brothers family and friends practically out of his life. It's always interesting how she never seems to have the "sickness" problem when it involves something with HER family or something SHE wants to do. And now they have kids and covid gives her a better excuse than she could have possibly dreamed of for never allowing them to go anywhere or do anything. We're hoping that school will help because both their kids were essentially born during the pandemic and they can barely function around other people. She started this form of abusive relationship with my brother and has continued it with my nephews.
Maybe- though I doubt it - but just Maybe he has severe social anxiety and really WAS feeling unwell, and lis just to embarrassed to admit it. This would explain why he magically feels better when you get home. And he'd lie or make some joke that it's his 'strategy ' rather than admit he has a problem ???? I would recommend marriage counseling to get to the real root of the problem NTA - given his history your response is understandable.
Do you want to fake puking? Eat some food, drink some water, slosh it around and there goes a bit of puke to fool the rubes. He is a manipulator and as another commenter said, you don't see these many red flags at a May first parade in Russia. I am curious as to what redeeming qualities this guy has for the OP to remain in the relationship.
I would not minimize his vulnerabilities. We need to be compassionate with those who share these. Just take him home...or leave him home...in his security, and enjoy yourself.
ASPERGERS. My husband has it. I have had to actively protect myself from being " kid napped" by him. An errand? 2.5 hours to the next city and I'm in PJs and have to pee. Local store didn't have the dress in my size? He found it for me - 4 hrs cross-town in rush hour at another store. Last week I wanted to go to a church to pray. He drove us to a Mission 2 hours outside the city on the opposite side of it. Passing probably 40 churches on the way. Need to get a drink or regroup along the way? There's a stop 35 minutes ahead. Now I make him give me an itinerary and we both approve it and I am prepared with a few alternatives. We have beautiful times together this way. Otherwise it's off to Las Vegas in my housedress and slippers.
I wish these stories were a little more believable. EVERYONE sided with the husband? There are juries that take more time convincing.
They didn't know he admitted to faking sick regularly to get out of everything and he made sure to make a spectacle of himself as soon as all eyes were on him and he threw up in front of everyone while screaming how she ignored him. Would make it easy for them to fall for it.
Load More Replies... Why would you 1) bring your husband or 2) not travel independently? If this is a pattern, and it is interfering with your other relationships, just make a plan for him to leave at a set time (or just generally early if he wants to) or don't bring him at all. I sometimes get anxious at parties, my partner is more comfortable, we always go in with a plan for me to leave if I need to. There's no reason for him to leave early as well. Why do you feel you need to arrive and depart together? It sounds unhealthy on both sides. Don't force your husband to stay, he shouldn't force you to leave. Why is this a big deal?
When I say plan to leave, I mean a way to stay in contact, and a double check that we both have keys etc. I wouldn't just leave the party without letting him know, but it might just be a wave, if that's what we've discussed. And we touch base throughout, it just helps if I feel I need to leave urgently.
Load More Replies...
It sounds very much that the husband may have Asperger Syndrome. If so he is not responsible for his clinging reactive behavior. He would, however, be responsible for getting therapies that will help him assess whether or not he can sustain a marriage. And the wife will need a lifetime of support.
He was lying. Can't use Asperger as an excuse to be selfish.
Load More Replies...
Nta, but the guy may have significant social anxiety. That's a whole separate matter though. Clearly what he does isn't working...for anyone. OP doesn't give contrasting examples about social events non-family related. If he does well at other events he's really being manipulative here. If they don't go anywhere else then he needs to see someone who can help. This could be 1 of those growing up conflicts, not a brittle breaking point. Could be. Time frame for these occasions? Covid isolation could really have messed w his head. Ordering wife around? No.
Coming from someone with horrific social anxiety that is b******t. Anxiety isn't an excuse for that, sure it could make him feel sick but if he had social anxiety he wouldn't start screaming, he would be MORTIFIED with what happened. Also anxiety isn't a reason to manipulate your way out of a situation.
Load More Replies...
Red flag 1. Not allowing you to stay in social gatherings alone. Red flag 2. Lying as a strategy. Red flag 3. Public shaming by making you seem uncaring and cold in front of your family. I bet there are enough red flags on him to shame a Soviet parade if you look closer. I'm somewhat introverted, but I would never play these kinds of games about it. If I'm not up to going to a family thing or something, I just say so. And if I run out of being social juice in the middle, I just tell people I need some peace and quiet to recharge. I'd say he's trying to isolate you so he can own you.
Conclusion. He is a narcissist and he will allways be.... RUNNNN
Load More Replies... I agree with one of the comments above: some people can puke on command. It would not surprise me if he was one of them and did it to make her feel bad and shame her in front of her family. I hope that she was able to talk to her family and tell them that she didn't believe him due to his previous behaviour
Could've also taken something (like ipecac) to induce vomiting. I also think he purposely made himself sick, but one thing I disagree with is the apparent consensus that "an adult can make it to the bathroom or outside." Anyone who thinks this has never been really sick. You absolutely cannot always make it to the toilet. Has happened to me many times.
Load More Replies... Get a divorce, this is unacceptable behaviour!. I go alone if my other half isn't interested and nobody has said a bad word. I'm myself introverted and get physically sick if I have to pretend to be social. But this is childish, completely disturbing, and I'd divorce him now. Imagine if you have kids or pets, everytime he feels it's too much to care or feed them just drops on his knees sick and leaves you embarrassed and humiliated. Disgusting behaviour from husband, just don't go if you're not interested and so hateful towards your wives family you can't be an adult and auck it up. Even more concerning is the inability to let you go alone, he could have stayed in bed sick, he didn't need to get dressed last minute and to join you. This seems like he came to make sure you behaved, this is controlling. I often stay home when feeling sick, and I don't expect my.man to stop his plans to moan with me at home over my sickness
this is 100% intentional action. even if he didn't throw up on command & actually felt unwell. he stayed in the seat & made a spectacle of throwing up in the middle of a party like a toddler & then sniffling & screaming to direct blame at OP right after. coming from someone w a degenerative disease, 15cm of withered intestines, awaiting colostomy bag, taking 2 types of morphine, 3 types of antiemetics, NG feed bc of the pain & sickness im experiencing: i don't throw up in front of people. my sickness will creep up on me out of nowhere bc it's not the "normal" sickness & derives from my condition. i still manage to make it to a bin or a bathroom. i clean myself up & if i need to go home, i find a way to go home or find a quiet corner & don't disrupt others for my sake. i've never thrown up on the floor in 8 years of disease. he's a narcissistic a*****e revelling in making OP look like the bad guy & needs to be dropped ASAP
How TF is she "neglectful", family? He's her husband, not her child! DIVORCE HIM!
My husband feels unwell he's a big boy who will sort himself out without the drama
What kind of adult does this. Hope she moves on because this isn't ok.
NTA but let's focus on how much of a complete prick this guy is. He's an adult, he's married and their families combine. Suck it up and interact with your wife's family you selfish little prick.
Or stay home. He certainly wasn't forced to go with the OP.
Load More Replies... I wouldn't be surprised if he took some syrup of ipecac to make himself puke. Sounds like he just wants to control you.
Here in the U.S., we cannot buy syrup of ipecac over the counter anymore, it has to be prescribed by a doctor. So I'm wondering if he drank a bit of water with mustard stirred in - that can make some people puke.
Load More Replies... Knowing his history I wouldn't have believed him either, he really did cry Wolf too many times.
Ooooohhh, I hate this guy. He just doesn't want to spend time with her side of the family and has resorted to childish tactics AT 33 YEARS OLD to get out of it, every time. He reminds me of a much, much worse version of my ex. My ex spent very little time with my family and I spent a BUNCH of time with his in the 8 years we were together. I begged him, argued with him, and straight-up told him that I wanted him to make more of an effort with my family. He never did. Tom is much worse, though. Much worse. I really hope she divorces this horrible excuse of a person.
As soon as he admitted what he had been doing you should have at least mentioned marriage counseling. This latest event just calls for divorce.
How bizarre. If he really was feeling sick, couldn’t he have excused himself to the washroom? Seems like a drama king to me. He may even have created this situation by taking an emetic - who knows?
All I can say is, many people.can barf on command. He's manipulating you and now that you're onto him he will double down.
Just get a divorce. I would have shot his stupid balls off. Then he will be REALLY sick
You cry wolf enough times, no one is going to believe you anymore. Simple.
She needs to run asap to a divorce attorney and get away from this psycho!
He's a sad sap of a man. He did all of that on purpose. Probably planned it on the way over. Don't let him get away with it any longer. Call him out on it. Explain this to your family. Leave him at home. I'd tell him that I don't want him to go with me because I can't have a good time for babysitting him.
NTA. What are you supposed to go home for? To hold his hand? How would that help?
This dude absolutely made himself throw up for the spectacle, and to make his wife pay for not playing along with his games. I've been around a lot of people who aren't well, and every one of them at least makes an *attempt* not to puke all over the floor. And if they do, they aren't usually energetic enough to yell at anyone, because you have to be pretty sick not to make it to a trash can.
It sounds like he is making himself sick in social situations from anxiety or panic. Like an automatic response that his brain just has come to think social situation = stomach upset. At the same he has made it so that people have lost their trust in him.
I have bad news for you. You are married to an abuser in training. He's gaslighting, trying to isolate you, and being manipulative. Time to leave.
If he was actually sick, and you ignored it, then yes, you are the jerk. If he was faking it, your relationship needs therapy, or you need to end it.
Most people in these comments need to seek help I would have been there like he was don't believe here let me show you 😁 she deserved it regardless how it played out what would ya all say if he just took her keys and car and left don't have kids with her 😉 she might refuse doctors if the child became ill wow that's harsh but it is the same reversed treat each other with respect or get the hell out of the relationship because loving someone is not about how bad each other can hurt one another. I am more surprised at some of the comments some females and males need to figuar out what is a relationship and what it means..
OP get away from this abusive psycho and let your family know what's up. If they don't believe or support you, escape them too.
Syrup of ipecac or activated charcoal causes vomiting and can be bought over the counter.
I'm not siding with anyone here, but is it possible he has a social anxiety problem and got so stressed that he became sick? If not, yeah, kick him to the curb because it's just going to get worse. He needs counseling either way.
if he was sick he could have stayed home, he went so he could make you leave. Get help, this will get worse. what a man baby
Dude made himself vomit. I REALLY hope the OP sees all of the comments on reditt and LEAVES HIM!
My advice to the OP....DUMP HIM AND RUN!!!! My SIL has been pulling this exact same BS for more than a decade. Her version was to show up to something for maybe 20 minutes and then to pretend to start coughing and badger my brother into leaving. She has been using this type of manipulation for years to cut my brothers family and friends practically out of his life. It's always interesting how she never seems to have the "sickness" problem when it involves something with HER family or something SHE wants to do. And now they have kids and covid gives her a better excuse than she could have possibly dreamed of for never allowing them to go anywhere or do anything. We're hoping that school will help because both their kids were essentially born during the pandemic and they can barely function around other people. She started this form of abusive relationship with my brother and has continued it with my nephews.
Maybe- though I doubt it - but just Maybe he has severe social anxiety and really WAS feeling unwell, and lis just to embarrassed to admit it. This would explain why he magically feels better when you get home. And he'd lie or make some joke that it's his 'strategy ' rather than admit he has a problem ???? I would recommend marriage counseling to get to the real root of the problem NTA - given his history your response is understandable.
Do you want to fake puking? Eat some food, drink some water, slosh it around and there goes a bit of puke to fool the rubes. He is a manipulator and as another commenter said, you don't see these many red flags at a May first parade in Russia. I am curious as to what redeeming qualities this guy has for the OP to remain in the relationship.
I would not minimize his vulnerabilities. We need to be compassionate with those who share these. Just take him home...or leave him home...in his security, and enjoy yourself.
ASPERGERS. My husband has it. I have had to actively protect myself from being " kid napped" by him. An errand? 2.5 hours to the next city and I'm in PJs and have to pee. Local store didn't have the dress in my size? He found it for me - 4 hrs cross-town in rush hour at another store. Last week I wanted to go to a church to pray. He drove us to a Mission 2 hours outside the city on the opposite side of it. Passing probably 40 churches on the way. Need to get a drink or regroup along the way? There's a stop 35 minutes ahead. Now I make him give me an itinerary and we both approve it and I am prepared with a few alternatives. We have beautiful times together this way. Otherwise it's off to Las Vegas in my housedress and slippers.
I wish these stories were a little more believable. EVERYONE sided with the husband? There are juries that take more time convincing.
They didn't know he admitted to faking sick regularly to get out of everything and he made sure to make a spectacle of himself as soon as all eyes were on him and he threw up in front of everyone while screaming how she ignored him. Would make it easy for them to fall for it.
Load More Replies... Why would you 1) bring your husband or 2) not travel independently? If this is a pattern, and it is interfering with your other relationships, just make a plan for him to leave at a set time (or just generally early if he wants to) or don't bring him at all. I sometimes get anxious at parties, my partner is more comfortable, we always go in with a plan for me to leave if I need to. There's no reason for him to leave early as well. Why do you feel you need to arrive and depart together? It sounds unhealthy on both sides. Don't force your husband to stay, he shouldn't force you to leave. Why is this a big deal?
When I say plan to leave, I mean a way to stay in contact, and a double check that we both have keys etc. I wouldn't just leave the party without letting him know, but it might just be a wave, if that's what we've discussed. And we touch base throughout, it just helps if I feel I need to leave urgently.
Load More Replies... It sounds very much that the husband may have Asperger Syndrome. If so he is not responsible for his clinging reactive behavior. He would, however, be responsible for getting therapies that will help him assess whether or not he can sustain a marriage. And the wife will need a lifetime of support.
He was lying. Can't use Asperger as an excuse to be selfish.
Load More Replies... Nta, but the guy may have significant social anxiety. That's a whole separate matter though. Clearly what he does isn't working...for anyone. OP doesn't give contrasting examples about social events non-family related. If he does well at other events he's really being manipulative here. If they don't go anywhere else then he needs to see someone who can help. This could be 1 of those growing up conflicts, not a brittle breaking point. Could be. Time frame for these occasions? Covid isolation could really have messed w his head. Ordering wife around? No.
Coming from someone with horrific social anxiety that is b******t. Anxiety isn't an excuse for that, sure it could make him feel sick but if he had social anxiety he wouldn't start screaming, he would be MORTIFIED with what happened. Also anxiety isn't a reason to manipulate your way out of a situation.
Load More Replies...
91
77