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Mom Doesn’t Want Disabled Son Put In Group Home, Wants 27YO To Be Guardian Against His Wishes
Putting your family first is a great thing to do and shows how much you value them, but it can also be exhausting to do all the time. Even if your loved ones expect you to prioritize their needs over your own, it’s simply not possible because it can lead to a lot of resentment.
This is what a man realized after his aging mom started pressuring him to take on the caregiving responsibilities of his disabled sibling. He didn’t want to put his life on hold for his brother, but his mother’s intense guilt-tripping pained him.
More info: Reddit
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Being a caregiver for a loved one involves a lot of effort, time, and money, and it’s definitely not an easy responsibility to take on
Image credits: rimsha52 / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The poster shared that his mom is the primary caregiver for his autistic and non-verbal sibling, but she expected him to later take on the responsibility
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Although the man knew that he would eventually have to become a caregiver for his brother, he didn’t want his sibling to live with him all the time
Image credits: The Yuri Arcurs Collection / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The poster’s mom was against putting her disabled son in a group home, so she expected her other son to put his life on hold to care for his sibling
Image credits: Optimal-Limit3686
The man told his mom that he would care for his brother, but didn’t want to live with him, as he wanted to start a family, travel, and live his own life
As the poster had mentioned, his mom’s entire life was spent looking after her disabled son, and she probably felt worried about what would happen to him once she got too old to manage. There are a lot of accommodations and layers of support required for a person who is non-verbal and autistic, which is also the reason she must have been concerned.
That’s why, right from the start, she had told the OP that he was expected to look after his brother when she could no longer do it. What she probably didn’t stop to think about was how his life would be impacted by taking on the responsibility of his sibling, as research finds that nearly 57% of caregivers experience burnout and stress.
Caregiving isn’t an easy decision to make because it involves a lot of financial, emotional, and physical commitment to look after someone else. As studies show, many caregivers also experience stress, anxiety, and depression as a result of this responsibility, which is why it’s such a tough choice to make.
As the poster was only 27 years old and had his whole life ahead of him, he wanted to have the freedom to travel, meet people, and do things on his own terms. Even though he was ready to support his brother, he didn’t want to have him living in the same house, as it would be an end to everything he had planned for himself.
Image credits: Ramsés Cervantes / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
The OP told his mom about his feelings and explained why he didn’t want his brother to live with him, but his mother got mad and felt that he was being selfish. She was adamant against putting him in a group home, and expected her son to push aside everything else going on in his life to be there for his disabled sibling.
In such situations, people might feel guilty or embarrassed if they aren’t able to be the caregiver for a loved one. Experts do state that it’s natural to feel a sense of obligation, but it’s important for each person to decide how much time and energy they can give, instead of burning themselves out in the process.
The OP definitely felt stuck because his mom was guilt-tripping and pressuring him to be his brother’s guardian immediately. There wasn’t much he could do to relieve her fears or hold on to his independence, which is why the decision was putting a lot of strain on him.
People advised the man to find out more about group homes for folks with autism and share that research with his mom so that she’d understand the option better. It’s also possible that over time, he could explain how he planned to take care of his brother, so that she’d feel less anxious about the future and about him being safe.
How would you handle a situation like this? Do share your thoughts in the comments below.
People sided with the poster and felt that it was wrong of his mom to pressure him into being a caregiver for his brother
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What do you think ?
FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago
A specialized care facility is the best place for him. He will get better care, more chances for small bits of autonomy and more social engagement than at OPs house. The mother just doesn't want to admit that she wasn't willing to allow him to have the best situation because she didn't want to give up control. Now she wants her son to maintain this lie, all so she doesn't have to face up to the fact that she could and should have made different decisions.
Emilu 1 month ago
"I don't believe in ghosts, so knock yourself out." I agree with the mother wanting control rather than an actual better life for her kid. Shame on her.
Load More Replies...
Janelle Collard 1 month ago (edited)
Parents who have kids that need care should have a plan in place that when the parent(s) die the plan does *not* involve forcing their other kids to care for the care needed kid. Your kid = your responsibility. And guilt-tripping the other kids deserves a total NC. Too many parents use their other kids as their back-up plan.
Dusty's mom 1 month ago
We have two specialized care facilities near me, one being only 8 houses down from us. At no time have I heard of any negative stories. Many of the residents take walks in our neighborhood or ride in their golf cart. They're clean, often laughing, pointing to things of interest. They are taken shopping and allowed to select many of the things they want. They're allowed to govern themselves as much as safety allows. I am OP's mom's age, and remember much more horrific times for special needs people. I think she only remembers these, and has no clue how well most of them are run these days. That mom probably won't be talked into visiting a special needs home, but OP can actually speak to a lawyer and get the ball rolling to have authority in his brother's living needs. Believe me, OP, you have options you can work on right now. Just find a lawyer who specializes in helping special needs. Your mother needs to learn the draconian days are over. There's hope!
FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago
A specialized care facility is the best place for him. He will get better care, more chances for small bits of autonomy and more social engagement than at OPs house. The mother just doesn't want to admit that she wasn't willing to allow him to have the best situation because she didn't want to give up control. Now she wants her son to maintain this lie, all so she doesn't have to face up to the fact that she could and should have made different decisions.
Emilu 1 month ago
"I don't believe in ghosts, so knock yourself out." I agree with the mother wanting control rather than an actual better life for her kid. Shame on her.
Load More Replies... Janelle Collard 1 month ago (edited)
Parents who have kids that need care should have a plan in place that when the parent(s) die the plan does *not* involve forcing their other kids to care for the care needed kid. Your kid = your responsibility. And guilt-tripping the other kids deserves a total NC. Too many parents use their other kids as their back-up plan.
Dusty's mom 1 month ago
We have two specialized care facilities near me, one being only 8 houses down from us. At no time have I heard of any negative stories. Many of the residents take walks in our neighborhood or ride in their golf cart. They're clean, often laughing, pointing to things of interest. They are taken shopping and allowed to select many of the things they want. They're allowed to govern themselves as much as safety allows. I am OP's mom's age, and remember much more horrific times for special needs people. I think she only remembers these, and has no clue how well most of them are run these days. That mom probably won't be talked into visiting a special needs home, but OP can actually speak to a lawyer and get the ball rolling to have authority in his brother's living needs. Believe me, OP, you have options you can work on right now. Just find a lawyer who specializes in helping special needs. Your mother needs to learn the draconian days are over. There's hope!
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